*Hilaryon Stories* is published today

-and I am happy and so very relieved. MY FIRST NOVEL!

Many years ago I  was part of a writer group where we wrote flash fiction – short stories, top 1000 words, each week. Each member took turns  giving the weekly prompt. The start of  the world Hilaryon – and my discovery of it – was a story I wrote to the prompt: The 12 Commandments. That’s where I first met the wonderful CROC – the wise and gentle  wizard of Hilaryon. As I wrote more stories from that Universe, it became clear that Hilaryon is a state of existence adjacent to our world Gaia – and that one ends up there if the longing is very very strong – a longing to be received in the highest expression of oneself – both as artist and as  Being.

Our group died ( we were part of an experiment by Harper Collins to find new and exciting writers, and HC found new ways and deleted our platform.) But I wrote on my own, knowing it would be a book. Wonderful synchronicities and magic moments happened frequently, giving me the necessary stamina to go on. The end of first part was written ca 6 years ago, and I was very pleased with it – but after two years pause from the Hilaryoners I was overtaken by longing, I had to go on with a part two. I asked my Muse – who later showed up to be Master Hilaryon – and he suggested I chose a theme that had to do with strong polarities. I immediately  thought about the Old Testament feud between Pharaoh Ramses( it is not known which one) and Moses. I had big trouble with that version of god who ordered babies to be killed to teach Ramses a lesson ( I did not particularly like Ramses either) – and my Muse told me this would be a very healthy endeavor to bring light into the One mind we all share – and heal my own perceptions!

Johann Sebastian Bach showed up on Hilaryon in the first part -he turned out to be one of Croc’s oldest friends from Egypt in olden days, where they both had played and sung the Sakkara-pyramid into being. It also turned out that Croc was the reincarnation of the Great Imhotep: – vizier,  chief physician and architect 5000 years ago.

Johann Sebastian became a model for anyone with great loss  and longing in his soul (  In reality, he lost ten of twenty children, both parents before he was 11 and his first wife.) Now, in Part Two, both he and Croc had children, Leaf and Mo, both 11, who were crazy about each other – and  the old hatred entered Hilaryon  through a long and spooky staff.

So I started Part Two, where Johann Sebastian Bach was in big trouble – his 3.wife had thrown him out and the weather was spooked.

I received the chapters randomly, and my Muse insisted that I had to trust and write whatever as it came – and it would find its place in the puzzle. Johann Sebastian’s music turned out to be very important, I placed musical interludes within the text, so the reader could hear the music that mirrored Bach’s emotions there and then, on YouTube.

In between were months were nothing seemed to happen,and then suddenly I could, f. ex, get an idea crochet a woolen white egg and fill it with ten minuscule babies – and place it into the text. I could not plan ANYTHING – just TRUST and TRUST some more that all would turn out perfectly.

It did. I even stitched the cover you see above. It turned out that Hilaryoners love to sew and stitch.

If you click on any book in the right menu you will get to the book’s site and read more.

If you want to buy, here is place where you don’t have to pay shipping: The Book Depository Just search for Leelah Saachi and the book that you want.

 

 

The art of allowing

I am taking a course called Feminine Power. 

It is amazing for me to realize the extent that most of us have lived with male strategies,  while at the same time, as artist I know one thing fully: art comes only through when I allow creation  to come through me.  I also need to truly allow my self to receive – a feminine quality. How different to set an intent of trusting – feminine – and at least planning to give up control ( at least when it is not necessary:))

Here is a case story from my expressive arts therapy practice about 20 years ago. It shows a remarkable shift in the mind of a young woman – chief nurse at large hospital. She was plagued by a rigid control, and wanted help.

This case story is one among many in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu.

*

Blue Bells, Feathers and Stars: Trusting the Creative Process

Rowena wears a thick and invisible cloak around herself – it prevents her from participating in life. Everything is distant and un-engaging – nothing concerns her or touches her heart. In the session I help her to BE with herself – here and now. We wander around in the room, and I ask her to tell me what she is aware of right this moment. Like this:

“Now I’m aware of the feather hanging on the wall beside the shaman-drum.

Now I’m aware of the blue color in that picture.

Now I’m aware of those small brass-bells.

Now I’m aware of that star.

Now I’m aware of the blue stone.

Now I’m aware of the stars in that picture.

Now I’m aware of the image of that feather.

Now I’m aware of the feather on the tip of that painted stick.”

After having done this for about five minutes, we notice what repeats itself in her attention: feathers, blue, stars and bells. We honor what she has given attention and awareness to, and create small poems where these four elements are interwoven.

It is night.

In the deep blue sky

Stars are singing.

 

A bright white feather

Sinking to earth,

Sounds of

Small bells

I ask Rowena, in the days until next session, to notice everything she sees that has blue or feathers or stars or bells. I also ask her to write down her dreams and notice if the four elements are there. But Rowena tells me that she is unable to catch her dreams: “They escape me all the time. I am lucky to get only a fragment… when I wake up, I know I have dreamt a lot, but they disappear.”

Next session Rowena reports she has seen feathers everywhere! As she takes a hike in the wood, in front of her on the trail is a big orange feather. Clear blue ribbons frame the trail, and deeper in the wood, a sky-blue tent…

After this, she goes to town. She enters a shop she never visited before – and there she finds an object that contains all the four elements: feathers, blue, stars and the sound of small bells. She buys it, and pulls it out of her bag to show me: “I have never seen anything like this before!”

With great delight I tell her that the object she bought is an American Indian dream-catcher.

 

(And yes, she started to remember her dreams after that).

 

 

Open the Door!

Recently when my alarm went off ( false alarm) and I clicked the code to turn it off, that code ( symbol: old learned way of turning it off) DID NOT WORK. The Alarm screamed and howled, and I went frantic and clicked some more. Then a deep inner calm: Blue said ” do the very opposite.”

I opened the entrance door wide – the alarm instantly stopped.

Teaching: open your heart to what you before have closed off to and kept away as “threats.”

So this morning, the usual morning agony of extreme overwhelm started – and this time, I immediately knew: this is NOT a threat, it is an opportunity to remember Who I am.

I relaxed and allowed it. knowing fully that I can TRUST GOD now.

The chaotic energy  from the collective human mind poured in – and when it was met with curiosity and wonder, it transformed.

I yawn just by writing it down.

I AM WILLING TO TRUST NOW – and I will celebrate it! YESSS!! HOORAYY! I DID IT!!!

Since what I give thanks for, grows and is attracted to me

This is so vitally important to remember: each time I now become aware that something has changed in my mind, I will celebrate it, give thanks for it, write it down, make it MATTER – truly make it  essential and wonderful in my life.

I see that old mind that I have fed with fear, for aeons ( the word-correcting-program suggested “canons”🙂 )  is like a child – and that I am in charge. I am the elder, the Observer, I am connected to my Source, and in this state of no resistance and fear, I act. And when I forget, hey, there I go again. breathe now, breathe deeply, connect with Mother Earth, connect with the Core.

The mind instantly tell that it does not know how – and I tell it again: you don’t have to, child. I am the Elder, I am in charge.

I wrote a poem the day before yesterday – it came automatically. It aforesaid  what I have realized fully this morning.

Here it is again.Look at the blue:

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain
I am your holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths
I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward
I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the
Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,
Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart broken open

No other

Core Transformation

I am doing a process from a book called  Core Transformation by Connierae Andreas.

The part of me that constantly distracts me from relaxing and sitting down to just be – or meditate – turned out to distract me in order to be able to feel relaxed herself Only when I felt constantly occupied and mentally frizzled could she relax – since me “relaxing” meant allowing up images and memories that could not be survived for a little girl.

The journey back to Source felt wonderful. After each answer from her, I thanked her and breathed and felt it inside.

What do you get from distracting me?

I get close to myself. I get more into my body, I can even feel what I want and need. That feels incredibly good. I trust myself more, I am more a friend to myself. It feels wonderful!

What would that give you ( that was even deeper?)

It brings me in touch with a deep longing. To feel this longing feels essential.

To feel that longing deeply – what gift would that bring you, that was even deeper?

I would know that I was loved by God –  not alone.

And would there be something even deeper than that, that you would get?

That God is inside me – always – I am never alone. I cannot lose Him/Her.

And what would you have if you had this too? What would it give you?

And here came the great release:

I would extend that light to others. Show it – and see that it is received and treasured.

Thank you! And having that –what would be even more profound?

Having that would give me perfect eternal joy.

Having this joy – and living from it – how would that make your life different?

I am perfectly guided by Love. Everything I need is provided. Situations too. I would simply be played by Source, trusting from moment to moment, enjoying it tremendously. Knowing where to go, whom to say what to. No planning for myself – no more worries. Being danced by Joy, living in a wave of perfect trust outside time. Life lifing me 🙂

Thank you! How does this state of Joy transform your need to keep me distracted?

The thought of distracting you is impossible. I would only share this unchanging joy with you – anything else is impossible.
*
Then I did the timeline-experience. It felt great to move that pure joy-energy through all the stages of “my” childhood and later traumas and shocks.

AND: patience is called for here. I sat down this morning and felt a need to distract myself. Felt disappointment at first – then I decided to log on to Word and share this. I realize that I don’t need to resist the need to distract when I arises – the ability to just look at it now and not judge it is utterly beautiful.

ARIEL

I dreamt that I was in the city and met a neighbor to my child house home -he was now my age, and with him I was in my SELF -*** It was indescribably beautiful – this is how it feels to live in JOY, I know it now – unlimited all peaceful and joyful – all accepting – overflowing love – BEAUTY! -grace – smiling with all the cells in my body – and he gave me a ring – it was placed on my left middle finger – where now is the ANCH-cross since 30 years ago – OH! – it was like a 2 inch high cylindrical  container of glass/crystal  -with something alive  and sacred inside –

Breathing deeply writing this

Then after a long while, the energy changed and my ring mirrored it – the content inside got muddled

I woke up, felt cold and stiff and horrible, and completely dried out. . I asked for help from the angel of Water, and It did not answer – so I knew there was something more for me to look at.I recognized this frequency as ***something that I do not want any longer,*** that it is a CHOICE I must take. I took it 🙂 Then the water flowed back into my cells.

Then, the test: as soon as I logged on my PC, there was a request from SKYPE – which deals with connections and relations 🙂 would I get the newest version from Microsoft? i clicked yes, and at the same time there was a big reaction of NO! from the nervous system.

All my contacts had disappeared.
At first I clicked around frantically and them i remembered to connect to Source. Then a chat-opportunity showed up. The helper was named ARIEL :

This is from internet:

Ariel is a Celestial Angelic Being within the Angelic Order known as the Archangels. Archangels are responsible for ministering to humans, considered somewhat like “manager angels”, Archangels oversee the responsibilities of Guardian Angels and the other Celestial Light Beings that act as our guardians and guides.
The patron saint of animals and the environment, Archangel Ariel’s name means ‘lion or lioness of God’. Her role is to protect the earth, its natural resources, ecosystems and all wild life and is always available with support and guidance for any activities that involve environmentalism and protecting, healing, rejuvenating, …

“Ministering angel” LOL – of Blue has so much fun me with me! ( Digression: In “When Fear Comes Hone to Love” I have collected a multitude of these sweet synchronicities from Spirit that i experienced, going through the explorations of the dark archetypes those 25 years.(still doing 🙂)

One more pointer to me: When i went through Primal Therapy in the 80-ies, I had ONE antagonist: his name was ARIEL. Now is that name redeemed to me, through THIS Skype-Ariel – who told me: my game is to help you:)

I shared my terror with him, to HAVE TO click on the correct places NOW and he told me again and again that he was there, take your time.

And so comes the beauty and wonder symbolism – he asked if i was willing to give him control of my computer so he could install the new program –

Of course I gave him that, and he thanked me for my trust 🙂

And voila, all my contacts are back
and i have the link to the contact/chat/page of Skype

I have that link! ( And i wrote “I have that THINK:))

Thank you beloved SELF for hammering it in with so much joy

*** This symbolizes to me that only in connection to “my neighbor” ( anyone) am I in my SELF – we cannot reach Heaven on our “own.”

Trust

 
I am strengthening my trust bones
Today I stood at the bus stop, needing to reach a bus bringing me to a theater. I discovered, just when the bus was supposed to arrive, that I had forgotten my hearing aid. I stood for two minutes debating if I should ran back for them and probably miss the bus. Spirit said: get them.
 
Thank God I listened! what a lesson: I ran back the little hill to my house ( which takes about a minute) and got the hearing aid. I said: “will you hold the bus for me?” I heard a chuckling. Running back, at the foot of the hill, I saw the bus standing there. No people outside it. Never before have I reached the bus running up the hill when the bus is already there.
 
But it did not move. It waited. It felt completely surreal. I ran like crazy and got on it.
I am truly taken care of when I listen to what I need and go for it.

Bird is dying

I have saved all blog posts as a word-doc, wanting to self publish it – as this is what I personally like to read: other peoples’ path to awakening.

Recently I discovered that all posts  after  March 27 2013 have disappeared. That was quite a shock – until I remembered that all things happens for me and not to me.

So I sat with all that crisis-energy, and no stories about it

The stories came back with a vengeance when I last expected them. I still sat with the energy.

Then, in a sharing with Kit, I realized that this happened  because I needed to go to my blog and find a blog post that I needed to read again – an earlier shining insight – and I found it: 27th march 2014

It describes how letting Holy Spirit taking care of “the problem” releases my “need” to “save”others – that my interventions and insights are not what saves, but my surrendering my thoughts about myself as the indispensable savior. The insights and thoughts are not worth anything as long as the ego grabs them and states ” I help you here. I am indispensable for your healing.”

The insights can heal only if they are without ego, personal gain – in other word, without the Bird-archetype I describe in my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Then my daughter had a collision with a 4 years old child-knee in her eye ( yoga-play), and  I forgot about this blog post – I fell right back into Bird again – no wonder, since this personality/archetype is the one I have grown up with and as – it has allowed me to have value. I “KNEW” what she needed to hear, and she interrupted me lovingly and told me she needed to take care of herself in her own way by saying no to listening to my suggestions.

It felt like dying – and thank God I still allowed her that space (after a short struggle!) and there arose a sacred pause, filled with love.

Then I was nudged to read the shining insight in the blog post again: ” I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.”

Oh I know so well all the posts I have written here that have been written identified with Bird – “I am here to save you, since you don’t have it in yourself: I am so very special because of it.” I want to thank her for keeping me alive and outside of an asylum – and also expressing the relief it is to truly feel the trust in God who does all things through me.

 

Guidance shared

New guidance today –

I was visiting the drugstore to pick u a new medicine for osteoporosis that a doctor has called in. They found nothing in the drugstore. Inside I got warm and light and peaceful – I chose to see it as a sign to trust my intuition and do the exercises and visualizations I WANT to do, as a joyful practice – and never more take a medicine out of fear.

With a light heart I walked on to a cinema close by – and met an old friend. She drove me home after the movie, and I could share the inner guidance with her – and you have no idea how wonderfully freeing and joyful that felt.

Just in one short week I am so much trusting of the inner guidance. Now it feels naturally and easy to do the exercises because I get a nudge to do them – no more “I MUST do this in order to heal myself.”

So now i do them with ease and gratitude – and no obligation.

Grace

These have been very difficult days.  A sense of “something” that is devoid of love and  alien to my energy system, and has power to manipulate my mind with images and ideas. When these “attacks” go on, it feels like my body and being is filled with toxic waste.

There is something in me that accepts this and trusts the process – an I know that ac. to the Course, all that really happens is that I, as mind beyond space and time, am choosing to listen to ego’s thought system of sin,guilt and fear and believes its thoughts as “mine.”

I see through that and forgive, and there are beautiful moments of peace – and then the psychic attacks continues.

I had a session with Stacy Sully.In a mail after we ended, she tells me that Sri Aurobindo‘s spirit came to her and told her that he is there for me.I immediately was drawn to his book “The Mother” which described her teaching.  I bought it years ago.I opened the book, expecting to  see what he wants me to see – and find it at once:

” The only way the fight against hostile forces is lost, is not to have full trust in divine help. The sincerity in your quest will always bring the required rescue. A quiet calling, the conviction that in this  journey toward realization you are never alone.”

Yes – this is it. Do I really trust my connection with Holy Spirit – Love – The Divine?

And as I contemplate this connection, shown to me in overwhelming strength,clarity and humor in this life, there is no doubt: I trust it fully.

I sit with this knowing and allow the trust to fill me. Yes, there are hostile forces in my mind, they’re presence is felt in my nervous system, and that presence starts off all the stories  and memories and identification going in the fearful ego mind. But as I truly sense the power of this awesome connection – and its eternal presence of NOW – something deep inside the mind shifts.

That night I have a dream of standing before a nearby food market – called “COOP” – “for co-operation.” A young boy stands in front of it and prays. Waking up, I realize that from now on, at all times, I must be in co-operation with Holy Spirit: do everything with him.

The last day, after this dream, the sensations of hostile forces in my body were intensified. Remembering that when we are close to Home, ego goes crazy and will put up all kind of attacks and threats, I can – well, as good as I can – receive it and pray for help to let it go.

And at about 7 pm, looking at “So you think you can dance” I am aware that something feels different. Nigel Lithgoe is allowing a whole family to dance at the stage – and their child is 4 years old, a little girl. The love between them is palpable, and the dance is mesmerizing. The audience is wild, and Nigel gives the whole family tickets to Vegas! And I smile and my heart expands  and something is different.

What is missing is the constant feeling of being possessed – “the hostile forces” have evaporated. The aches and pains are here – but there is no resistance to it now: it’s just stuff, not “mine”, just stuff. Not personal, no guilt involved. Simple.

The only thing I have to do – ever – is allow the love that is available as my true Self to embrace me and enfold me. I rested in that loving space inside the central column of light, re-affirming the strength in my connection with my Creator

I am in the very last days in the process of having my main book “When fear comes home to Love” formatted. I have changed to a new and excellent formatter, and this time it seems that all is well. He tells me this has been a big challenge for him – very complicated to format for Kindle. I have had to learn a lot about the technicalities in self-publishing too – and am now in the process of uploading all the color illustrations to my other blog, where I have descriptions of the manuscripts. Lots of new stuff to learn virtually!

I have learned through the years that there can be short pauses from the hostile forces. But this time I have this new absolute certainty: my connection to the Divine can never be broken. And then –  forces or not –  I have this unchanging place of Home where I always can rest  and allow Love to surround me.

Unicorn

I recently had a Skype session with Stacy Sully. Here is what Nouk Sanchez says about her:

For anyone with any kind of challenge whether it is physical or emotional, Stacy helps access the core. Her ability to heal is a direct result of her total trust in and certainty of God – being all Love with no opposite.

She acts as a conduit and heals by going beyond (looking past appearances) polarities, i.e. sick or healthy. She helps us access our Center, the Holy Place within…where all is perfection. This Center knows no fear, no pain, no loss, no sickness and no deprivation. In this Center all is one and all is perfect. It is here in our Holy Self where only God’s Law (Love) is present. And as we learn to access this sacred state, the blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence must fall away.
Her work reminded me of my shamanistic past – she healed blocks to Love’s presence by joining with them and letting them go. I did not feel any different in a big way – but an etheric disturbance on the right side of the head was healed, and suddenly my hearing is better! And this night I discovered that when the usual disaster-thoughts come, I could just notice them and not attach to them at all – just allowing them to float by. There was no judgment.

I was also invited to be with the inner 2-year old more often, and invited to remind her of a unicorn we once saw at an exhibition: it was an installation – the artist Børre Sæthre  had placed a white (stuffed) horse in a blue and white chamber and made a unicorn out of him.

This is unfortunately the only image that exists – it can’t be enlarged – but you’ll get an impression.

Entering that chamber I was luckily alone, and I could freely feel the enormous longing that came up. Tears and tears and tears – I sensed a longing “back to” this world where such creatures exist and can be communicated to. It felt like a true homecoming, and in this space my inner child – enchanted –  felt safe.

I believe she felt safe because she sensed that this dimension was separate from the horror-dimension she usually lived in.

So this night I dreamed that my child in real life, now 33 years younger as a toddler – symbolizing my inner child – phoned me and told me she could not enter our home. When I woke up I realized that my inner child still thinks our former apartment is where she lives – she still have not “moved in with me” in our condo. Still dissociated – displaced – but she is not any longer “taking over” my identity and nervous system. When I notice her inside, I just have to take the time to be with her, allow safety and Love to be with us, and point to the Unicorn – grotto.To her, the Holy Spirit is a Unicorn.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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