Trust

 
I am strengthening my trust bones
Today I stood at the bus stop, needing to reach a bus bringing me to a theater. I discovered, just when the bus was supposed to arrive, that I had forgotten my hearing aid. I stood for two minutes debating if I should ran back for them and probably miss the bus. Spirit said: get them.
 
Thank God I listened! what a lesson: I ran back the little hill to my house ( which takes about a minute) and got the hearing aid. I said: “will you hold the bus for me?” I heard a chuckling. Running back, at the foot of the hill, I saw the bus standing there. No people outside it. Never before have I reached the bus running up the hill when the bus is already there.
 
But it did not move. It waited. It felt completely surreal. I ran like crazy and got on it.
I am truly taken care of when I listen to what I need and go for it.

Bird is dying

I have saved all blog posts as a word-doc, wanting to self publish it – as this is what I personally like to read: other peoples’ path to awakening.

Recently I discovered that all posts  after  March 27 2013 have disappeared. That was quite a shock – until I remembered that all things happens for me and not to me.

So I sat with all that crisis-energy, and no stories about it

The stories came back with a vengeance when I last expected them. I still sat with the energy.

Then, in a sharing with Kit, I realized that this happened  because I needed to go to my blog and find a blog post that I needed to read again – an earlier shining insight – and I found it: 27th march 2014

It describes how letting Holy Spirit taking care of “the problem” releases my “need” to “save”others – that my interventions and insights are not what saves, but my surrendering my thoughts about myself as the indispensable savior. The insights and thoughts are not worth anything as long as the ego grabs them and states ” I help you here. I am indispensable for your healing.”

The insights can heal only if they are without ego, personal gain – in other word, without the Bird-archetype I describe in my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Then my daughter had a collision with a 4 years old child-knee in her eye ( yoga-play), and  I forgot about this blog post – I fell right back into Bird again – no wonder, since this personality/archetype is the one I have grown up with and as – it has allowed me to have value. I “KNEW” what she needed to hear, and she interrupted me lovingly and told me she needed to take care of herself in her own way by saying no to listening to my suggestions.

It felt like dying – and thank God I still allowed her that space (after a short struggle!) and there arose a sacred pause, filled with love.

Then I was nudged to read the shining insight in the blog post again: ” I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.”

Oh I know so well all the posts I have written here that have been written identified with Bird – “I am here to save you, since you don’t have it in yourself: I am so very special because of it.” I want to thank her for keeping me alive and outside of an asylum – and also expressing the relief it is to truly feel the trust in God who does all things through me.

 

Guidance shared

New guidance today –

I was visiting the drugstore to pick u a new medicine for osteoporosis that a doctor has called in. They found nothing in the drugstore. Inside I got warm and light and peaceful – I chose to see it as a sign to trust my intuition and do the exercises and visualizations I WANT to do, as a joyful practice – and never more take a medicine out of fear.

With a light heart I walked on to a cinema close by – and met an old friend. She drove me home after the movie, and I could share the inner guidance with her – and you have no idea how wonderfully freeing and joyful that felt.

Just in one short week I am so much trusting of the inner guidance. Now it feels naturally and easy to do the exercises because I get a nudge to do them – no more “I MUST do this in order to heal myself.”

So now i do them with ease and gratitude – and no obligation.

Grace

These have been very difficult days.  A sense of “something” that is devoid of love and  alien to my energy system, and has power to manipulate my mind with images and ideas. When these “attacks” go on, it feels like my body and being is filled with toxic waste.

There is something in me that accepts this and trusts the process – an I know that ac. to the Course, all that really happens is that I, as mind beyond space and time, am choosing to listen to ego’s thought system of sin,guilt and fear and believes its thoughts as “mine.”

I see through that and forgive, and there are beautiful moments of peace – and then the psychic attacks continues.

I had a session with Stacy Sully.In a mail after we ended, she tells me that Sri Aurobindo‘s spirit came to her and told her that he is there for me.I immediately was drawn to his book “The Mother” which described her teaching.  I bought it years ago.I opened the book, expecting to  see what he wants me to see – and find it at once:

” The only way the fight against hostile forces is lost, is not to have full trust in divine help. The sincerity in your quest will always bring the required rescue. A quiet calling, the conviction that in this  journey toward realization you are never alone.”

Yes – this is it. Do I really trust my connection with Holy Spirit – Love – The Divine?

And as I contemplate this connection, shown to me in overwhelming strength,clarity and humor in this life, there is no doubt: I trust it fully.

I sit with this knowing and allow the trust to fill me. Yes, there are hostile forces in my mind, they’re presence is felt in my nervous system, and that presence starts off all the stories  and memories and identification going in the fearful ego mind. But as I truly sense the power of this awesome connection – and its eternal presence of NOW – something deep inside the mind shifts.

That night I have a dream of standing before a nearby food market – called “COOP” – “for co-operation.” A young boy stands in front of it and prays. Waking up, I realize that from now on, at all times, I must be in co-operation with Holy Spirit: do everything with him.

The last day, after this dream, the sensations of hostile forces in my body were intensified. Remembering that when we are close to Home, ego goes crazy and will put up all kind of attacks and threats, I can – well, as good as I can – receive it and pray for help to let it go.

And at about 7 pm, looking at “So you think you can dance” I am aware that something feels different. Nigel Lithgoe is allowing a whole family to dance at the stage – and their child is 4 years old, a little girl. The love between them is palpable, and the dance is mesmerizing. The audience is wild, and Nigel gives the whole family tickets to Vegas! And I smile and my heart expands  and something is different.

What is missing is the constant feeling of being possessed – “the hostile forces” have evaporated. The aches and pains are here – but there is no resistance to it now: it’s just stuff, not “mine”, just stuff. Not personal, no guilt involved. Simple.

The only thing I have to do – ever – is allow the love that is available as my true Self to embrace me and enfold me. I rested in that loving space inside the central column of light, re-affirming the strength in my connection with my Creator

I am in the very last days in the process of having my main book “When fear comes home to Love” formatted. I have changed to a new and excellent formatter, and this time it seems that all is well. He tells me this has been a big challenge for him – very complicated to format for Kindle. I have had to learn a lot about the technicalities in self-publishing too – and am now in the process of uploading all the color illustrations to my other blog, where I have descriptions of the manuscripts. Lots of new stuff to learn virtually!

I have learned through the years that there can be short pauses from the hostile forces. But this time I have this new absolute certainty: my connection to the Divine can never be broken. And then –  forces or not –  I have this unchanging place of Home where I always can rest  and allow Love to surround me.

Unicorn

I recently had a Skype session with Stacy Sully. Here is what Nouk Sanchez says about her:

For anyone with any kind of challenge whether it is physical or emotional, Stacy helps access the core. Her ability to heal is a direct result of her total trust in and certainty of God – being all Love with no opposite.

She acts as a conduit and heals by going beyond (looking past appearances) polarities, i.e. sick or healthy. She helps us access our Center, the Holy Place within…where all is perfection. This Center knows no fear, no pain, no loss, no sickness and no deprivation. In this Center all is one and all is perfect. It is here in our Holy Self where only God’s Law (Love) is present. And as we learn to access this sacred state, the blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence must fall away.
Her work reminded me of my shamanistic past – she healed blocks to Love’s presence by joining with them and letting them go. I did not feel any different in a big way – but an etheric disturbance on the right side of the head was healed, and suddenly my hearing is better! And this night I discovered that when the usual disaster-thoughts come, I could just notice them and not attach to them at all – just allowing them to float by. There was no judgment.

I was also invited to be with the inner 2-year old more often, and invited to remind her of a unicorn we once saw at an exhibition: it was an installation – the artist Børre Sæthre  had placed a white (stuffed) horse in a blue and white chamber and made a unicorn out of him.

This is unfortunately the only image that exists – it can’t be enlarged – but you’ll get an impression.

Entering that chamber I was luckily alone, and I could freely feel the enormous longing that came up. Tears and tears and tears – I sensed a longing “back to” this world where such creatures exist and can be communicated to. It felt like a true homecoming, and in this space my inner child – enchanted –  felt safe.

I believe she felt safe because she sensed that this dimension was separate from the horror-dimension she usually lived in.

So this night I dreamed that my child in real life, now 33 years younger as a toddler – symbolizing my inner child – phoned me and told me she could not enter our home. When I woke up I realized that my inner child still thinks our former apartment is where she lives – she still have not “moved in with me” in our condo. Still dissociated – displaced – but she is not any longer “taking over” my identity and nervous system. When I notice her inside, I just have to take the time to be with her, allow safety and Love to be with us, and point to the Unicorn – grotto.To her, the Holy Spirit is a Unicorn.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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