Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Extending LOVE to the “dark parts”

Here is a true story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the miraculous effects of including what we have judged as “dark” into our Love. 25 years has passed since that workshop – I still remember it so clearly

 Come Home, Beloved: loving the outcast / case story / 1990

In a continuous creative / spiritual group many years ago, Sue shared with us how a couple, living in an apartment below, was continuously fighting and screaming. Things were thrown around and made a lot of noise. She was afraid that the woman was being beaten and abused. Sue was scared and did not know how to interfere. This evening, several of the group-members had similar dark stories about violence to share. I saw it as an opportunity to deal with the violence within our own souls – the way we are violent toward our own impulses to feel whatever we are feeling, the violent ways most Jhydes* deny our needs, in order to “be nice” and pleasing.

We sat in our circle, and we invited the Holy Spirit’s Presence in. We opened our hearts for Unchangeable Love – to find the space in our heart that can embrace the dark. We invited, into this circle of love:

The rejected – the denied – the judged – the hated – the un-allowed – the shamed – the humiliated – the laughed at – the leprous.

The energy grew dense and strong – but we had prepared our container, presenting no resistance: now it could just be there.

Afterward, we made paintings of our own personal image of darkness, there and then. We listened to what these dark aspects of ourselves needed. We shared the images, and what the rejected parts needed – and then we placed the paintings in the center of our circle, close to the candle burning there – having in mind that we at the same time intentionally brought the rejected parts of our mind to the center of Light within: the Source of Love, the I AM.

A radiant light came to us, a tender peace and warmth. And the story could have ended here, but it did not.

When Sue came to group fourteen days later, she told us that when she went to bed the same evening, a strong rose light enveloped her, which she saw as a holy Presence. From that day, there was peace in the apartment downstairs. No more screams, no more blows, no more throwing things.

And for the first time, she heard music playing from the apartment.

*Jhydes: My book describes what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome” –  personalities with deep splits, and abuse on some level which may be completely stuffed deep into the unconscious, resulting in a rich mix of “light” and “dark”. “Jhydes” are the name I have given people growing up with these very strong polarities in the psyche –  the Introduction describes this in detail. If you go to the book on Amazon, it may be possible to read the Introduction there in the Kindle-version

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

The love of being RIGHT

As Presence places my inner old emotional charges as outer manifestations, I am in for quite a ride. It also demonstrates that what The Presence Process – and The Course – says, really is a fact. What before sat deep inside the unconscious as an imprint in the nervous system is now appearing on the outside, driving me nuts. Except that it doesn’t.

Yesterday at the bus – ah, such a place for learning and awakening:) – I presented my electronic ticket/card to the driver and said “senior”. He gave me a ticket which showed me he had not given me senior-status = cheaper ticket. As I pointed this out, he told me with very loud voice that I had NOT said senior. I said I had, and with even louder voice and an incredibly preachy tone he said “I will fix this for you, and next time you need to say “Senior.” I said I had – and as if he had not heard that at all, he repeated in this preaching voice that I j u s t  n e e d e d   t o   s  a y  S E N I O R . And “Now remember that next time, hm?” and I realized we were in one of my stories, and said “Yes” and we both smiled, as if it was just a big joke.

I noticed the smile, and noticed the lesson for forgiveness  – and I managed to realize that ego was having a ball,and that he was a messenger and NOT the message – (but he was sure messing with my anger:)

Today I was sitting with Michael Brown’s 40 days procedure of being with discomfort – and I choose the theme “eyes looking at me.” It brought up all kinds of strong discomfort/fear/disgust/panic/sickness – and pains everywhere in the body – so this is quite a useful and effective theme to clear out! And in the middle of it, the memory of how  I felt  with the condescending bus-driver presented itself. The feelings of helplessness, being made an idiot of, and the impossibility of correcting this.

What a treat it is to sit with the intention to just BE with all of that, and know that everything happening in th world of time and matter that I react to, is just my mind emptying its emotional charge in projecting it on the outside. It did not happen TO me: it happened THROUGH me.

It also showed me one of ego’s most favorite ploys of all: the need of BEING RIGHT and the fear of BEING WRONG and STUPID and the whole can of  inner torment-worms that that belief brings.

Holy Spirit, I forgive myself for wanting separation in all its forms

and I bless the bus-driver for playing the role I needed to experience.

It did not happen TO me: it happened THROUGH me.

*

I also want to share a divine photographer:

http://www.timflach.com/

click at “portfolio” and enjoy the slide-show

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: