One Choice

I am playing online games. – There is a website with different “curio games” – old Chinese solo board games and others. I admit I visit there fairly often – and that they are a bit addictive…so I went there now and said to the Great Boardgamer, The Universe:

What do you want me to experience here?

This Chinese game is all about finding  sign-pairs and deleting them, and  then new ones will pop op.  They are all in intricate layers. Finding them all and deleting them all successfully may take about 15 minutes – but the patterns are randomly given, so succeeding here is rare.

The Universe gave me ONE try – and then a big sign came up: “You have no more choices!”

My One choice has to be:

LOVE

I LOVE it when Blue plays with me like that. “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of these “Blue is playing”  ♥

You might like to click on the book and see if it opens on one of the “Blue is playing”s.  Just click on the cover and  a menu opens on the left side. If you want to play with The Universe too, just set an intention to find a piece that will be particularly meaningful to you right now – take a breath expect the best and click it.

if you want to share, please do so in the comments below.

You might enjoy the reviews too, of course! 🙂

 

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

First Love

We were 19 and 21 years old when we met in the same class at the College for arts and crafts. Our love was cataclysmic – the energy of us two together had the strangest effects on our surroundings – like furniture making strong and strange sounds when we were not even touching. He told me it could not be us – as he had betrothed himself to his girlfriend when they were thirteen! He told me that he was the only support this girl had and that he could not disappoint her or leave her.

So after one year he decided that he had to move to another city and continue his education there.

Last kiss

You are returning to
Your native village
Where your old girlfriend is waiting for you
The one you promised to take care of
From you were thirteen
We kiss in the car, steam pearling on windows,
Enclosed in a small cave of steam, bodies
Dissolving
I open the door,
The sound of the raging waterfalls
Close by
Receives us
This is our last together

And right in front of us
A red fox stops
In the middle of the road
Looks at us
And disappears into the wood

This night I worked with a “part” that makes me feel ice cold and which eats like a wolf. Being with it made me shift in and out of consciousness, but still it was aware that I was with it in a loving way.

And I dreamt about my first love – (which I have done a thousand times, and mostly stressfully) – this time there were no blocks between us, neither inside or outside.

I realized – I saw – that we shared the same violent aggressive energy in our bodymind that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When Fear Comes Home to love”. And at the time we came together, our common unconsciousness propelled us together like a powerful magnet –

I suggest that since I have worked the last 25 years actively with relating to that energy with kindness, working with that energy last night touched his soul too, and we met in a state of mind/dream where there were no more blocks

My gratefulness is unbounded

 

Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this

*

For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Beliefs – and Seeing Through Them

Diederik Wolsak teaches us in “Choose again – Six Steps to”Freedom – that when we have a belief –  like “Something is horrible wrong with me, I must be evil since this happens to me” this belief needs EVIDENCE to make itself “stick.” So when I believe in this, deep down in the core of my being, the evidence shows up as me being in agony in the night – not being able to rest and sleep – since the belief tells me I am evil and truly deserve this pain. It is my just punishment.

Accepting this as truth this night soothed and relieved the very physical agony quite a bit. Now I could just be a witness to it, an anthropologist noticing symptoms – “ah, just so.”

I  saw a demonic face in a National Geographic magazine yesterday – it was an illustration of a petrified Mayan god –  a metaphor of an old need not being met and allowed. Now, in the night, it was easy to see it as an old aspect of my Soul that had been strongly judged and repressed for aeons.

I opened my own book and found a Tibetan exercise called Chöd. It starts with looking at the “demon” and ask it what it needs. Now comes the fun: it will probably yell and scream and hiss and tell you that it wants to kill you or eat you or trap you forever. Listen respectfully, and ask what feeling it will have when it has received what it wants. For example: having been granted the wish “I want to control you forever” may give it a feeling of safety. It is safety it wants. “I want to scare the shit out of you” may give it a feeling of power and strength: it is strength it wants.

You may recognize that the demon’s wish is in fact your own. You transform the demon by giving him now what you denied yourself before. – Just look at him gently, knowing that you are looking at a Halloween-figure of yourself. Feed him safety: see a big jar with liquid safety, put a straw in it and let the demon suck all that it wants. Watch its transformation, and observe the peace growing inside you. When you feel safe and comfortable in this process, you might want to feed the demons all the qualities it needs from your own heart.

Since the demon “I am wrong” is a collective one – especially in the West – this process needs to be repeated and integrated. You know you have succeeded when you can look at any addict without the least judgment, because now you know who they are under the addiction.

They are pieces of God, forgetting Who they are. Look upon them with this knowing, and you look upon you.

 

 

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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