I choose the joy of God instead of pain

With a giggle I see that today’s lesson in the Course is nr 190, I choose the joy of God instead of pain. I have enjoyed pasting paragraphs in blue of it in my post

Here follows what I took down in my recorder this early morning.What is so wonderful is that I was One with that Voice -Leelah melted into it – so now, I allow It to speak to those of you who need to hear exactly this. I love you!


You who have tremendous pain in your life –  frequent pain,chronic pain – it is not really the pain you fear – you fear the suffering.And suffering comes because when we seem to be in tremendous relentless pain, most of us turn away from it – or against it – resisting it.

What if this pain is not what it seems to be. What if it is our great possibility for connecting – RE-connecting with Love? What if our habitual chronic resistance pattern in the ego is the problem?

Turn toward it, my friend – and it stops being suffering and turns into suchness.

It is your greatest friend.

In moment when your YES comes, you look at it – and gradually it dawns on you that you are the eternal loving embracing awareness of it. And you were never something else.

You are never in pain. And that is why you have chosen to come here to this earth this life, to experience situations and stories which brings this pain in this body –  forgetting who you really are, believing you are a victim of it.

You have chosen that, my Beloved – in order to wake up in full acceptance of it- in full gratitude, innocence and curiosity embracing it – thereby transforming it and transmuting the energy into the blazing incomprehensible Light that is your true nature.

W-pI.190.7. The world may seem to cause you pain. 2 And yet the world, as causeless, has no power to cause. 3 As an effect, it cannot make effects. 4 As an illusion, it is what you wish. 5 Your idle wishes represent its pains. 6 Your strange desires bring it evil dreams. 7 Your thoughts of death envelop it in fear, while in your kind forgiveness does it live.

All the “parts” of the Beloved  who think they are in pain, taking the stories and its experiences seriously, and therefore resist it: – I am that part of you that says ” I LOVE YOU” to yourself. “I remember Who I am. I have chosen this pain to find out that I have wanted it -to return to Who I am, to have the willingness to embrace the pain, to truly recognize what I am. As I speak this, there are still pain sensations everywhere – but I am not taking it serious, it is not “mine,” it has nothing to do with What I am. I bless this moment, I bless every “part” of the one mind who I see as other than me, that truly believe it is in danger, being tortured,beaten,abused. I know of behalf of all of us, it is not so.

W-pI.190.9. Lay down your arms, and come without defense into the quiet place where Heaven’s peace holds all things still at last. 2 Lay down all thoughts of danger and of fear. 3 Let no attack enter with you. 4 Lay down the cruel sword of judgment that you hold against your throat, and put aside the withering assaults with which you seek to hide your holiness.

It is the Beloved choosing – to go into horrendous pain and darkness, to bring Christ into it – and thus embody Christ. This is how we being heaven into earth.

As I am in this process – and having my center now in That which receives it in gratitude – I can talk to these “other parts” of me: “How alone you felt in those moments.How utterly alone you felt – and still, I was there.You couldn’t see me, since you had chosen to make the pain and situation real – in order to be able to transcend it and transform the energy of it NOW.In order to fully experience the pain completely, you had to cut Me off. This was your choice – to go in to the separation to experience all the flavors of it, and to return to Truth by loving what you had created. To come to this place – now – where you truly know you were never alone – and where everything happening in your life – everything – have been needed to bring you to where you are now

I bless you in your willingness to wake up.Thank you for being willing to know that the pain is real – believing in that story of a vengeful god- which is the very root of the ego thought system.

Right now I/Leelah/ is in the very center of the chronic pain in the  center of the chest – the painful cough-place. This is the seat of the denial that anything painful happened in the dream to the dream-me.

You who read this, may right now ask yourself, where in your body is your hiding place, which you still unconsciously hold on to, to still be “you” – the separate made up- you who are special?

and if you are honest, can you find that part who has made you special because of your special story of suffering?

How old is it? what is it telling itself?

Breathe into that sentence and that place, deeply. Sense the Holy Spirit in that breath – He is that close. Ask for help to forgive everyone involved, in all time, space and dimensions.

Be willing to be with whatever comes up – Christ is there with you. You can feel Its frequency of Love. Know it is just a re-play, that it is over, it has come up to be seen and blessed and released. And it will release when you stop judging it, when you see it as pure energy who now comes to -at last – be healed, through you.

The stories in your cell-memory of victimhood – simply recognize them as that – scenarios that your radiant Self chose to go through, to be able to anchor the energy and later – now – transform it through true vision.

Turn toward Love

Turn toward Love

Can we see how we / the Sonship /has placed ego’s contorted face of fear between the separated me and Truth. We have called it dark and evil and abhorred it and judged it and demonized it…this is what we have believed is Love- no wonder we fear it –

W-pI.190.8. Pain is the thought of evil taking form, and working havoc in your holy mind. 2 Pain is the ransom you have gladly paid not to be free. 3 In pain is God denied the Son He loves. 4 In pain does fear appear to triumph over love, and time replace eternity and Heaven. 5 And the world becomes a cruel and a bitter place, where sorrow rules and little joys give way before the onslaught of the savage pain that waits to end all joy in misery.

You don’t chase demons away, you turn toward them and recognize the terrified child within them, whose feelings and needs we denied

You forgive ourselves, and You surrender

W-pI.190.10. Here will you understand there is no pain. 2 Here does the joy of God belong to you. 3 This is the day when it is given you to realize the lesson that contains all of salvation’s power. 4 It is this: Pain is illusion; joy, reality. 5 Pain is but sleep; joy is awakening. 6 Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.

You surrender –   not to the story about evil and victimizer stronger than you

You surrender to Truth. You see through it 🙂

You tell Holy Spirit, “bring it on!”

Doubting thoughts  will come: “I can never come through this – it is far bigger than “me. It is hopeless ”

Of course these thoughts come – you have believed in them and made the world real by doing so. And so you can choose to let them go.

You created this, you wanted to experience it all – and you have

It’s just a mask

You don’t need that anymore

You don’t need to be scared anymore

We don’t need to treasure fear as our protector anymore

Look at what we have created in the multidimensional hologram we think is real

We have experienced it all – not let’s go home

W-pI.190.11. And so again we make the only choice that ever can be made; we choose between illusions and the truth, or pain and joy, or hell and Heaven. 2 Let our gratitude unto our Teacher fill our hearts, as we are free to choose our joy instead of pain, our holiness in place of sin, the peace of God instead of conflict, and the light of Heaven for the darkness of the world.

This video is  from Le Nozze di Figaro  by Mozart.Truly love from a human mind, with all its conflicting bits – but I invite you to look away from the text and just look at the faces of Cherubino and the Duchess  – never did I see this more lovely rendered: the soul surrendering to Love



Hugging it instead of judging it

Skype sharing with Kit. Our common theme is an old trauma about becoming visible to others – and a tremendous fear about all of that. We realize that peace does not come from fixing this/understanding this – willingness is all it takes-willingness to allow Love to come to this theme, this old hidden wound in the mind
When Kit worked with the theme, I could “see” that as soon as she could allow herself to give “a hug” to the fear/trauma-area in the body -without doing any fixing at all – a channel was opened between the heart and the wound.
When it was my turn, I remembered an ongoing difficult situation between my daughter and me. Frequently when speaking to her , I feel a huge block in my brain – the words simply are not there. That makes me very nervous, and I do my “best” to find the words – in reality, I am resisting the block itself – instead of just mentally giving it a hug.
Oh the pressure.
I have told her many times that I lose my words – but I have never allowed myself to just BE with the wordlessness. It feels quite OK to do that, the next time we meet.
Kit and I agree that we see that all of this is HELD. Contained.
God holds this space the moment I chose to allow it – am willing to allow Love into it.
Suddenly I know what the real fear is about: it points to a belief that I have lost connection with my daughter on the spiritual plane. I see her and her husband as living a very materialistic life – but that is of course just my perception.
Kit: “What is right about this situation that is difficult to catch sight of?”
…Ahhh…I see that she and I have worked so wonderful in so many incarnations, and now we are mature enough to allow this last seeming hurdle to come up to be healed: the seeming break in spiritual connection. I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.
Oh. Maybe I will lose all contact with her. There is a nasty fear about that, lurking.
Ohmygod …she is a projection – I fear to lose MY connection to God
I have used her – I have used her this life – I have told myself – and her, subconsciously: “I am dependent on YOU to be able to feel God’s Presence. And THAT I believe in!
Now tears are cascading – I talk to my daughter : “ I cannot reach Him without you!”
Kit: “Ohh – Leelah -”
I feel a release as soon as I hear her say my name. She tells me she needs to say it. I cry from the bottom of my heart, from the agony of believing I MUST NOT lose contact with my daughter. My mind screams that if I lose contact with her, Satan instantly takes over. I have told myself that M is my ONLY lifeline to God.
Kit reminds me that these are scary thoughts only – “just thoughts that you believe in, but with no truth at all.”
Just neutral thoughts
Wild relieved crying
“Ohmygod, what an iron grip I have held her in subconsciously – the role as my one and only savior – no wonder she won’t talk about God …now an age old child voice inside me expresses itself with a vengeance: “If you won’t do this for me, I will DIE and it is YOUR FAULT!”
Ah. Listening to this agonized crying from myself, I see there’s no wonder there is often so much hate and anger between us. But this hatred is not connected to anything real and true at all between us. It just originates from my belief that she has to have that role to “save” me.
Kit: Leelah – how wonderful it is that you see this so clearly.
And I cry and cry that it is allowed to feel how I feel and have these beliefs, even though they are screwed up.
A new agonized crying about how difficult and scary it is to say “God.”***
Kit asks if this wave of emotions related to “God” can just be allowed to BE here too – just another thought, believed in. “You can just let it come, just receiving it. You just got scared again because of believing in those thoughts.”
Immediately peace when I recognize that all these thoughts are false. Not serious at all! And just wonderful that Kit reminds me about it. Another thought: “When you see M again, everything will be just as before.” It is full of hatred – and Kit suggests that I give it a hug
That’s what it needs. No judgment, no preaching. Just Love. It is so good for that thought to be allowed to be just as nastyhatefulrageing as it is.
In the second I have this last realization, a sign opens on my PC – (the italics are mine)
Iolo System mechanics: Fight stubborn PC (programmed mind) freezes and errors. Many chronic restarts, freezes and other frustrations can be fixed easily with Registry Tuner ( aligning with Truth)
HAH!”System mechanics.” Another name could be Holy Spirit
And the whole emotional storm just wanes and lies down like a cat in the sun.


***Absolutely every one of my hundreds of patients/students have felt the same way – and that’s why I could use the material of 25 years of investigation in my book “When fear comes home to Love.” You may look at it in the right menu.






The big black car

New lamp-teaching:)

Looking out in the dark, a very big dark car drove by, stopping outside my house. Instant fear. The entrance light went out.

The fear was clearly connected to the silent-driving black car – “it is going to take me away” – ah, this is a fear about imminent death – ah, there it is again: that part inside who is on a lookout for fear and lightening fast hooks onto it, creating a “me”…

looking at the darkened lamp, sensing a wave of love soaring through me – “Spirit, here is my fear. I am willing to allow you to show me another way, to let this habit go.”

Light on.

And the soft and loving feeling stays

Addiction to guilt

I do a lot of Sudoku these days.I notice that  the moment when i realize “this (missing)number is the one that will make the whole puzzle be resolved” I feel a sting of fear. I wondered what that was about, and opened a wise-quote book. It said:

“All addiction is addiction to guilt.”

I ask for another wise-quote related to this theme. Blue says: ” Let me help you to let this go now. Just give me your willingness. We will laugh together at the ego delay-tactics.”

And I suddenly understand that the hate and anger- feelings are nothing else than guilt: they pour forth to “save” me from Heaven when I come too close 🙂

And with the help from the Intentional Resting-method I say ” I am resting for those guilt-feelings now.”

And there’s no stress at all – and no need to change or resist

Remembering what is true

I just woke up – its 5am – after a dream where I am one of a group of 3 terrorists. Adrenalin is coursing through me, it feels overwhelming. There is a huge fear that this will be my end.

I open  a wise-quote book. It is a quote from an earlier teacher, Elia Wise, where she reminds me that what I am feeling, is not “me” – I am picking it up

this breaks the connection to “me” being “guilty” of this.

Quiet now. Looking with Jesus and not ego.

“Go to your mail.”

I find Lyn’s posting of the day’s lesson with Ken’s remarks. As I read them, I forgive everything I have been holding on to – that is, fear and identification with it. The wave of adrenalin is softly abating, and replaced with tender warmth and care for my wellbeing.

Here are some of the quotes from Ken that were most helpful right now:

We do not have to seek for the light, but need only look within, where
the light is. Remembering the truth that is already present in us, we realize
that nothing has changed, and so nothing need change. Thus Jesus exhorts us,
again, not to exceed the little willingness asked of us by the Holy Spirit.

“It is not necessary that you do more; indeed, it is necessary that you
realize that you cannot do more. Do not attempt to give the Holy Spirit what He
does not ask, or you will add the ego to Him and confuse the two.”

“Nothing at all has happened but that you have put yourself to sleep, and
dreamed a dream in which you were an alien to yourself, and but a part of
someone else’s dream. The miracle does not awaken you, but merely shows you who the dreamer is.” (T-28.II.4:1-2).*

We repeatedly see Jesus’ emphasis on our need to recognize that both problem and
solution are in our minds. In fact, there is nothing but our minds, where
perception starts — light or darkness — and where it ends — love or fear.
Everything is projection. Understanding this characteristic of the split mind is
the vision of Christ to which Jesus leads us and which we know well:

Do not seek vision through your eyes, for you made your way of seeing that you might see in darkness, and in this you are deceived. Beyond this darkness, and yet still within you, is the vision of Christ, Who looks on all in light. Your “vision” comes from fear, as His from love.” (T-13.V.8:1-6;9:1-3).*

(10:3-7) “For it is we who make the world as we would have it. Now we choose
that it be innocent, devoid of sin and open to salvation. And we lay our saving
blessing on it, as we say:

The peace of God is shining in me now.
Let all things shine upon me in that peace,
And let me bless them with the light in me.”
This at last – from The song of peace:

The melody of peace is always there.
It neither dies nor wavers. It remains
A calm, soft sound, more still than silence, and
An ageless recollection in the minds
That God created. Ceaselessly it sings
To all the world, that it remember Him.
The sounds of earth are quieted before
This ancient melody, which speaks of love
In limitless dimensions. Where is fear,
When God has guaranteed that He is here?*

In this moment, it is radiantly clear that I have and am what I am searching for: I will look out for the impulse to “do” things to feel better or “heal” myself – and instead choose to accept the healing and Love that is already here.






Expanding ripples of Love

How amazingly liberating to see how I can use the Course-principles for non-Course students.

I have noticed how my student/patient easily and gratefully falls into practicing being wrong, and being willing to not know what to do or think, and being willing to see the situation differently and observed her lighten up and becoming peaceful when she find this willingness. What a wonder to see somebody so willing to learn to choose love over fear, and the wondrous effects it has on her psyche and body.

A little more than one hour was used today to observe the healing process in the body-mind when she let go of ego concepts – and her observation of what that did to her feelings of peace and freedom of tensions.  As she willingly allowed things to be as they were, because she did not have  “to do” something with anything, a remarkable field of Love permeated the room. And I saw a clear image of Self as a clear and silent pond: a stone was dropped in it, and the ripples expanded and expanded and expanded.

We are these ever-expanding waves of love, expanding. I realized how helpful this image is for me – it surpasses the intellect, which is where ego easily traps me. When I can see myself as this Love- ripples-expansion as a correction, that is so helpful.

And unlike our world, where all ripples eventually come to a stop, in reality there is no end to the expansion of Love-ripples.

And I KNOW that.

Thank God for my patients – my gifts

The wonder of allowing

I have just ended a Sedona releasing -session with Mary. I have noticed how strongly I have believed in the story – and held on to it to stay a “me” -the story of fear and cold having the power to kill me.

It hasn’t.

First I noticed the usual fear/cold in the body. The fear that it would overpower me and kill me. Then I switched from believing the thoughts and noticing the thoughts. Lots of confusion. As I sat with it, much identified with it, hundreds of small birds appeared in the sky in front of my window. They were flying, silently and slowly, in front of my eyes. They were not going anywhere: just allowing themselves to float on wings and the wind. As I watched them, my being relaxed thoroughly. Then they disappeared.

It became so clear how the story is nothing, and how my belief in it gives it all the meaning – and power – it has for me. It became clear how much I held on to it. And what has been the hook is the belief that it can kill me if I let it be there.

Suddenly I felt a giggle – and a willingness to be wrong about that belief. Holy Spirit took it, and now I know:

This cold/hate/anger/fear cannot kill me: it is just a story.

It’s a book – not my body

I have discovered that what makes me so resistant to have my book published – is that I identity with it. This identity is connected to the little girl-victim-identity: I recognize now that I am equally afraid of somebody attacking the book, ridiculing it, wanting to destroy it, coming after me and destroying me, as that memory of the girl was afraid of this in her rapists.

It’s psychological understandable that I identity with my work – I think most of us do – that’s why we love medals and hate being fired. If they will judge my book and hate it, it is me they hate and judge – so it feels. But my book is not my body – although the explorations in it has been experienced through my body. But I am not my experiences. And after the morning blog here and the insights I know that what is most scary about my fears re the book’s becoming public is the stories I tell myself – that “I am that person whose job it is to be stalked and raped and punished. – And I don’t want to hold on to that belief.  I am not that story – and while I am saying that, some part of me says “you will never get rid of it.”

Truth is – writing this book has been great healing process. Others reading it and telling me that it teems with Love is a clear sign that it is NOT my body: it has come through me, which is a sign of my willingness to look at the story from a gentler place than the ego.

I wish to be free of these triggers into the story. I hope this time is a big step further. Kit shares an image: “It’s like when a  block of ice breaks off a glacier.”



the holy moment

ocean of Love/ Aftenposten July 24th 2011

The Holy Moment

In the morning, a strong impulse to turn on TV. It is an ecumenical memorial-service from our Oslo Cathedral, filled to the brim. A female bishop – Helga Byfuglien (her name would be, in English, Sacred City Bird-from-valley) is speaking. I am struck by the radiant simplicity and light in her soul, and her way of bringing forth the words for the feelings we all have in these days. Mentioning them all, she gives support to all who might have been ashamed of feeling this way. She asks God to be here, so we can feel His Presence. There are no “Christian” words of punishment, sin and evil, but a strong Sacred Presence. She says,

“We are all sharing the same sorrow. We are not alone in this. Do not listen to the fear in your heart. It is far too easy to believe in that voice – but there is a way out, which goes through togetherness and unity with our brothers, and the beauty of sharing. This Unity has God placed within us.”

She then reminds us where we have seen this Unity lately, and refers to the youths at Utøya – naming as example a young boy who with fear for his own life swam for two hours to the main land – carrying with him a wounded helpless young boy. She points to virtues coming forth in the midst of terror, the willingness to be there for someone else than ourselves- and the longing to share our love and grief: in our main paper today there is a photo of a main marketplace in town filled with flowers and candle – and around, a circle of many hundred people holding around each other. Adults and children.
There is a silence emanating from that photo: a deep palpable sense of connectedness and Oneness.

I am a part of that circle right here.

Bishop Sacred Citybird continues:“Believe in Me. You are never alone” says Jesus – “ I am with you through this. There is room for all in the Love of God. – There is a deep tenderness where he gives us His hands and tells us he shares this with us – and so we can do the same with our brother.”

I am acutely aware of ego’s perception of the sermon – I sense its fascistic contempt of this congregation that believes in “this God of separation” and not the “real God” of the Course – how stupid they all are. – The unpleasantness of this helps me recognize these ego-thoughts and judgments – I am just looking with ego! – and realize there is another way to see, and that I want the right-minded way. Immediately the ugliness disappears, and the rest of the service is immense beauty.

Citybird: “The way through the pain is to be compassionate and see the other as yourself. Grief and evil can never be stronger than Love. And that’s why we hold each other in embrace today – in offering each other hope and love, in the remembrance of Him who created us to love each other.”

It is amazing to sense the ego’s contempt at her last sentence – ego needs to teach her that” God did NOT create humans, and there are no plurals here.” The sense around these thoughts are repugnant and fascistic in its conviction that IT IS RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ELSE ARE WRONG AND MUST DIE. The words are true – but the condemnation around them makes them toxic.They belong to the wrong mind who needs above all to be RIGHT.

Which bring me to Anders Behring Breivik: the Son of God who played the devil’s part in our drama-dream.

His face has from the first sight reminded me of a mediaeval knight from the crusades. Today in the paper, we read about his 1500 pages manifest –and it has an image of the Knights Templar cross, which also adorned his “uniform” when he killed. I go to his “manifest” on Google and read about his conviction that he is a world-savior and Christian Martyr and a crusader ( and “King Richard Lionheart is my mentor”) and see that he is not crazier than any religious figure convinced he is RIGHT. My thoughts go to our saint St. Olaf who showed incredible cruelty and murder lust in converting his fellow Norwegians to “the right belief.”( I forgive Olaf for that (:)

It is liberating to remember how I have believed in ego’s argument, and don’t any more – I believe in the radiant Love in my fellow Son of God who attends the sermon, where it seems we are plural – but all the plural parts are just possibilities to see Love’s myriad expressions of Beauty.

I love how I am seeing Love in everyone, and everywhere, in this church.

Our prime minister Jens speaks and cries and expresses that it seems like an eternity has passed since the massacre day just 2 days ago. This is so true. And with strong determination he repeats that nobody can remove our love or feelings of togetherness, and that we will restore Utøya to the symbol of love it always has been. The place he speaks from is soberness, and he tells us it is time to stop and feel and allow what is there to be there – and to be there for each other.

There are times where his words are ego-based – and it is simple to see where he comes from, and love him and everyone who perceives in ego’s way – that includes me, most of the time. That is just an error. He talks about the dignity, warmth and steadfastness he has met in the survivors and their closest, and my heart overflows once more. This is the heart of the Son of God. I sense a strong ego-pride when he says “we are a small and proud nation, but we will never give up our values. Our answer to terror is more democracy and more humanness.”

And he quotes a young woman who told him, “ If one man can show so much hatred – think about of how much love all of us can express together.”

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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