Sticks and Stones

Good morning – big smile

I woke up in the same mood as this blog has described for 4 years now – and asked Blue for help. I knew this feeling came from the “little Leelah” I have talked about so often here – the childhood pain I have identified as ME. Have I not healed this yet? What am I doing wrong? asks spiritual ego = spego

“There’s just this little thing” says Blue, smiling – and the morning-feeling comes back with venom and hits me in the chest so I can hardly breathe.

Can you just BE with this – lovingly? Without the story?

I say YES and remember to breathe deeply and relax into the energy

Reader: see a bright sun right HERE

The energy immediately melts –

And there, a little child

It is about 4 years old. Sitting on the ground, playing calmly with some sticks and stones, and looking up at me.  I shiver when I see its eyes – it is the Christ Child, just as I saw it many years ago in a group I led on Winter Solstice. Then it was newborn, in the crib.

“Have you come to fetch me now?” it asks. The situation is completely calm and without drama. No rush. My heart beats as I squat in front of it. The air is radiant; there is nothing that is not here in this moment, resting and loving and being embraced by the heart we all share.

I take it in my arms and hold it to my heart, standing up.

While I do that, I sense the old story about the inner tortured child -identity as energy – visiting me each and every morning – and I am aware how much I have valued that story as MY story – a story that proved how good I have been, playing the role that I did in the family, suffering SO much – probably more than others – much more – truly believing that that was my value, this suffering – my specialness

Seeing that as my true identity, of course it was impossible to let go of

And it was the exact moment I just WAS with it, without believing the story, that I freed the Christ within –

The absolute horrible obnoxious energy was just a filter, a veil that I had projected between me and Truth. MY decision.

Not believed in, it melted immediately when it received my willingness to be with it

As a therapist, seeing clients presenting their stories of suffering, it is a balance to feel compassion for what they have lived through – but never believe it – as Emmanuel wrote to me once:

   ”What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.
Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

“They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life.”

Thank you God for letting me see that it has been my choice to keep them alive, as my suffering-identity – which for so many of us has seemed to be the only one, or at least the one that has brought attention 🙂

Just this reminder then – become aware of a perceived need to hang on to the stories of pain as something that makes you you.

It reminds me of a time where I had just received the most phenomenal aromatherapy. The body floated when I walked to the bus – and the thoughts came: “but this is not really how it should be – right – I do not feel like this” and I went into the closest shop and bought a lot of chocolate to comfort that old me – being aware that I just re-created her, and noticing that I preferred that.

So the wonderful feelings went away, and the body felt like crap again – and was satisfied: now it could look forward to the next out-portioned bits of bliss. Cause that identity can ONLY have chocolate and nice things when it has suffered enough – it must earn it.

A true cornerstone in the ego thought-system

This is what I want to be aware of right now: the Christ child IS picked up again – and still, the body/parts of me/ insists that “this is not how WE feel.”

No it isn’t, my darlings, but you can get used to it.

It’s just a decision

*

And this: 🙂 “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

Thank you for that vision, Blue – and the reminder that I am not this body and its memories through all times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Holy Child

 

 

Today I want to share a true story from “When fear Comes Home to Love.”

As the birth of The Holy Child threatened the kingdom of Herod,the Christ within us all threatens the reign of our inner “Herod”, the ego.

At Winter Solstice 1994, I gathered a group of students to celebrate the newborn light. In my healing-room, I had created an altar on the floor: a deep blue rectangular cloth sprinkled with small golden foil-stars. An angel guards each corner. In the center, a tall altar-candle, surrounded by a wreath of stars in silver and violet. When the group-members take their places, only three figures are present on the cloth: a Shepherd with his long staff and a little lamb – and an angel who has called him to follow the star leading to the Child.

I present the Shepherd as an image of man in harmony with nature and animals – man living and acting from instinct and heart, from a deeply felt interdependence with life. Our authentic Self.

Now I present the rest of the figurines belonging to the Christmas-mystery, one by one: please notice, inside yourself, how these characters live and are part of you – and which qualities they bring to the sacred event: Joseph… protective, fatherly, faithful. Deeply accepting his role as the head of his family and serving God. Never questioning his destiny. Mary…the motherly, nourishing quality… grace… innocence, willingness to serve. Her silent ecstasy by being the Chosen One to carry forth the Child and the new consciousness on earth. Through the Divine Feminine incarnates the Holy Child.

And now the animals… we sense them inside us: the motherly and faithful cows. The sheep, the lambs, the bull and the ass – they are all present when Truth is born. There are no false borders between the true humane and the animals.

Now I place the tiny Jesus-figure in the crib: the pure love, the total trust, the one Heart who embraces all. The joy, the innocence – the Sacred.

We are sitting in the circle in an atmosphere of unfathomable peace and SPACE. A Voice in me asks us to enter meditatively the stable where the Child is lying in the crib, and BE there with all our senses..

When I approach the stable, I am filled by breathless expectation. Time does not exist. The moment is eternal. The stable is so small – and so infinite in extension. There is nowhere in the Universe that this stable is not.

I hear small small sounds. They create a musical image: the creaking of the straw. The smack of tails. A deep sigh. I smell the comforting smell of warm cow-bellies and fresh milk. I AM HERE. THIS HAPPENS NOW.

The Holy Child is lying naked in the crib. The clear brow! His eyes are open, peaceful. I have never in this body met such a look. His eyes are reflecting Heaven – I feel that all these eyes fall upon, must melt in love. I know beyond all doubt that this child is safe in the dragon’s den, he can meet the horror beyond all horrors – and all that is seemingly dark will yield and melt before this look: all disguises fall away, all illusions fade. These eyes can only see truth. See the essence behind the monster-mask and the dragon-hide.

I am filled with a burning wish to learn to see with the Child’s eyes – and I give this wish to the Child.

A couple of nights after this, my wish is fulfilled.

I awake at night, seemingly captured within an insane and destructive energy. I am mortally afraid. “This time I am done for!” says Fear. Further and further inward through the dark hellish caves,, then downwards through yet more abominable depths of horror. The visions are unfathomably gruesome.

Then I remember The Holy Child.

In that very moment I have Him in my arms, and see with His eyes. My heart and lungs expand, all is filled with light, all that is monstrous is melting in light, there exists nothing else but this light. Everything else is unreal, created by our own fear. I AM FREE. I know Who I am. He and I are one – and so are we all.

Unbounded relief and gratefulness fill me to the brim. Warm tears flow warmly and dissolve the fear and agony the muscles have contained. Everything these eyes look upon dissolves and reveals their true essence, which is love.

But living in the world and in the body has a way of letting you forget what you see for real. A couple of years later I sit in meditation in one of Denise Linn’s seminars – about to meet our main inner guiding principle. I am on the shore of a crescent beach, the sand is smooth and golden, the sun is caressing me. I am looking out toward the horizon: a vessel is gliding toward me. I can only glimpse its outline, the sun is so bright. – Now I see it is a shell – like the shell in the painting “Primavera” of Botticelli. The inside is pale pink shimmering mother-of-pearl, with a rim of shining white, like a halo. Sitting inside the shell is my guide: it is the Holy Child! He sits like a little pink Buddha, laughing, holding a shiny, radiant transparent golden ball. It is made of light, but still seems to be material. The shell is sliding softly onto the sand, and he is holding the ball out to me: “This is yours.”

I recall with a stabbing pain in my heart that I so often have failed to receive this Child. I have seen Him often, but told myself it is only imagination – or convinced myself that I am unworthy. The Child is not judging me. He is not reproaching me. I do not have to confess my sins and regret to win his love. “Remember Who you are!” He says. “You and I are One!”

“I will never forget.”

“You will forget again and again. And beyond time and space I am in reality always here and now. There exists nothing else but this now, and only fear takes you out of it. The fear is not real. I am.”

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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