Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

*

In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

*

Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

Take care of yourself

Practicing “The Untethered Soul”-way  has flowed easily and with grace. It has been simple to experience my Self as the Observer, the Witness – and not getting involved in whatever the mind presents. I love Singer’s way of describing the practice – he tells us to watch us watch, and not get involved in what we watch – “don’t play with it” he says, and this sentence is written in gold for me.

I have needed to make an important distinction – when to play/engage in stories and form and when NOT.

As artist  and therapist embracing  all art modalities,  I know that all CAN be played with. That is what “Healing Crisis – 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” is all about. You may read more about that work on this blog, where I present the 4 books I am in the process of self-publishing.

What I discover with Singer’s process is that as soon as darkness wells up, just as energy, I can relax physically and intentionally let it go. That has worked phenomenally for a couple of days. I have found that if I get the impulse to paint or dance or writes stories/poems to deal with the pain, that is excellent – it is fun! and effective! -But sometimes it is simpler just to release it. What becomes clear is that my Self wants me to enjoy the process and not “work” at it.

So yesterday it was just impossible to stay in the watcher-position. I wrote this poem instead –  being conscious that I want the underlying message to come through: the art of  hiding any outer signs of protest or distress, so the facade seems completely flawless. You find it in all families where the demon of perfection is a member.

 

Doll

My mother has sewed a national costume for me.I wear an embroidered bonnet on my blond hair, and  a white cotton blouse with wide sleeves under the embroidered costume.

She has sewed at night to finish it in time for my performance .She has even made one for my doll Anne too.

Anne belongs to me

I am a clever and talented little girl: I make poems and melodies and perform them from a stage at my school closure, accompanying myself on a little accordion. My parents sit very close to me. They will let me know every error I made afterwards. This is love.

Under the dress, allergic itching boils cover all of the body – except for my face and hands which is visible.

Afterwards my father tells me that I should have sung with more feeling.

So I accepted where I was and took care of myself as best I could. And had a wondrous dream:

I am visiting a School for Teachers. I am there to teach – the old technique my husband had taught me on how to create puppets,  more than 100 years old. When I entered the infinite corridor of the school, where discoveries and observation and play was happening everywhere – (no blackboards) I felt hilarious with joy. And I decided that I would happily leave my old tradition.

I visited many classrooms, and everywhere I felt  the same joy of exploration and inclusion. Nobody – absolutely nobody were excluded in the creative process, and it was a matter of course that everyone’s input was invaluable. This created an exquisite feeling of unity and joy.

Then I met a strong and exuberant man called Benner – or something like it. He had this great motor bike, and I hopped on as passenger. Complete freedom! We are now driving down a muddy slope, and before us lays the ocean. Oops  – is this safe? I decide that it is: that Benner knows what he is doing.

And there we are, flying across the water surface with immense speed. We fly so fast that the nature is starting to seem flurry – the forms dissolve and becomes light. We flow through a tunnel of this light, the beauty  and joy is indescribable.

In this school, it was demonstrated that the most joyous work came out of the structure that everybody’s inputs were valued.The Self was playing with Itself, and if a “part” of the Self had a sense of “No, not like that”, that sense belonged to the truth of the process and was just picked up  by that part. And the result was perfection – but the perfection in Self and not in  separate self, as the Doll-poem was about.

 

 

 

 

Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

The long saga with the painful stiff neck has escalated lately. When the pain yesterday increased to becoming intolerable, something inside gave way to surrender. Now it was no longer an enemy to get rid off, but something that knocked on the door of the heart to be let in.

I put a loving hand on the most painful place and just waited. Out of being with it emerged a voice, which wailed: “I don’t want to be here any longer.” It brought up a torrent of tears – and it was clear that the defenses former putting that voice in jail, had unlocked the doors.

I have been that jailer.

I got a vague idea where it came from, but was much more willing to just be with it without any wish – or rather, demand -of “understanding.”

I had a good night, with nice funny amusing dreams.Oh I love those kinds.

Today, I had a Skype-sharing with Kit again. ( The correction-program suggested “sharpening” instead. Sometimes the little gnome within the correction-program really gets it.) In that space of truly connecting, it became clear that the pain was truly impersonal, and that only making stories about it and trying to understand it cemented it. I am more and more acutely sensing the “spell” of the ego: its great ability to make images and analyze – and how caught I get in that spell-web (“sleep web” suggested the gnome 🙂 the second I want to understand the images. Now I saw like a roll of  film-frames moving in front of me. I chose not to focus on any frame at all – just being with it, and at the same time being with the pains and sensations.

Before, these bodily sensations and pains have ALWAYS been connected to the belief ” I am in mortal danger.” I mean always.

Not now. The change of perspective – or perception -is diametral.

What has happened is so sweet: I notice that there is a little gap – just a diminutive gap – between sensing the sensations/pain/charge and being sucked blindly into that hell – OR choosing to witness it. AND that choice has in this session come from my Self. It is such a calm and loving looking – really not a decision at all – like it’s not something to choose from, at that level.

And I end the session and open the Big Blue: Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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