Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

My Father’s House by Alan Dolit

I love to include this great parable of separation and illusion as A Course in Miracles sees it. With lots of smiles, as Alan always does it
I’ve always lived at Home with my father. I am always in a state of bliss and rapture. It feels as if it is always now, as I don’t experience time passing. I have a thought that I am missing something. It is only a thought. I ask dad about it. He laughs and says :”Son, you have everything. How could anything be missing? You can’t have more than everything? There can’t be everything and something else.” While this makes perfect sense, the thought returns. Rather than mention it again to dad, I decide to leave home. My father is the most wonderful loving father. He has never as so much even criticized me in the slightest. He does nothing except extend perfect love, however he is so powerful, he could crush me like a bug. I don’t know what happened, but after I had the thought that something was missing, I experienced sheer terror and had to leave. I had a panic attack and an insane thought that my dad would actually destroy me. I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I don’t know what to do. I know the thought is totally preposterous, and yet for some reason I am unable to shake off these feelings of gloom and doom. Just when I think my mind is going to split I hear a voice telling me to hide where my dad could never find me. This makes sense.
As I continue on my journey I hear sounds coming from a theater. I go in and see there are a bunch of people standing around. One of them says: “Finally. We were wondering when you were going to show up.” Obviously they’ve mistaken me for someone else, but I decide to play along. This would be a good place as any to hide from dad. The same person says go to the wardrobe room and get your costume. I seem to know where it is and go there. Immediately I am fitted with a costume and given a script with instructions to read it immediately. I go back on stage and tell him that I can’t act. He tells me to fake it till I make it. I do so and join the play in progress.
Pretty soon I have faked it so well, I am lost in the part and really think I am this character. I forgot who I really am. After a while I tire of this character and remember this isn’t who I am. I start to take my costume off and everyone gets upset. I am strongly urged to go back to the wardrobe room and I will be given another part. It seems that I do this for many times, playing many roles both male and female. I play son, daughter, mother, father, doctor, lawyer, grandparent etc. Eventually I remember that I wandered in here because I was afraid that my father was going to destroy me. I now realize the absurdity of this and remove the present costume and start on my way home. I continue on my way trying to retrace my steps. It seems like I was gone so long I am having trouble finding my way home. However I notice some land marks and am about to follow one of them when I hear the voice that originally told me to hide in the theater. He tells me that my father is still mad and I need to follow his directions to avoid my dad.
Some how I lose the last land mark and see something up ahead that looks very interesting. I spend much time with this new activity and forget that I am on my way home. After being involved in the activity that seemed to be endless, I again realize I had been side tracked and leave the activity and again continue to head for home. I walk past a baseball diamond in which there are two teams playing. I stop to watch the game and one of the captains sees me and motions me to come down to the playing field. I do so and he says. “It’s about time you showed up. Now get into your uniform.” Deja vue strikes again. It feels as though I am in some sort of dream and have to follow his orders, even though I know nothing of the game. All of a sudden I find myself at home plate with a bat in my hands. The pitcher throws the ball at me and the captain says “swing”.
 I hit the ball into the outfield and the captain tells me to run around the bases. I run to first and then second and then third, and then start for home. All of a sudden there is a man in a iron mask trying to prevent me from getting home. Then I hear my father’s voice telling me how much he loves me and wants me to come home.He won’t let any one stop me from coming home. In fact , dad says, “you never left. You’ve been here all the time, dreaming the whole thing up. I slide in to home plate and when I open my eyes, I‘m right back at home and no time had elapsed. “Dad”, I say, “You won’t believe this really weird dream I had.” Dad says: “Just laugh and all the effects of your dream will disappear.” I laugh… And nothing is left of the dream. It is like taking my finger out of water. There is no hole to indicate where my finger had been. How simple is salvation.
Seriousness causes  reincarnation; guilt is an acronym for Godless Useless Insane Loveless Thought; sin is an acronym for Self Inflicted Neurosis; ego is an acronym for Exponential Guilt Orchestrator. Ego is also the master Travel agent for guilt trips.

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A gentle miracle

This is a miracle. So very subtle -thank God I am good at spotting those subtle changes in the enrgysystem, so I truly can take  them in and digest them.

This is about control – and the relaxing about it -letting it go. With great amused curiosity do I this morning spot the places where the controlpatrtern used to pop up and claim its power over me . today, when it comes , I notice the silence around that old pattern instead: “I simply do not need to think like that anymore.” “It is not true that it is dangerous to let go of those thoughts.” There comes this habitually situation where I could have popped into the usual pattern – we are talking a whole life here, 70 years – but it simply has fallen away.

There still is the energysensations of the pattern – but the stories have fallen away: no beliefs in those And it’s Ok to BE with the energy – breathing into it, allowing the Light of Spirit to heal it, as Jeshua says in “The Jewel of the Christ Mind.”

And even that eternally repeate voice – “yes, but be prepared that it will come back” is met with – “maybe – and that it hads disappeared NOW means that it is possible for it to disappear agin, right? No worries.”

I notice how easy it would be for the old pattern to re-establish itself if I were not aware that this subtle change has happened. I notice that whenever <I write a type and those red squiggly lines appear underneath it, I do not have to immediatley have to correct thm – which was the earlier controlpattern. HAH. I’

(at this moment, the screen went whitish and I could not write a write a word more. I had just decided that I would let those typos stay) – and there must be a big belief in the mind that errors are NOT allowed! Oh thank you for showing me that one – yes, errors are allowed, says Jesus in the Course – we are living in an illusion where errors are projected everywhere, so we can condemn them on the outside and not notice this old program on the inside that is responsible for this old tired world, projecting it out from our mind.)

But we can also go inside and forgive ourselves for giving our belief to the thought that errors are DANGEROUS – and when that thought has been forgiven and released, I will be able to not judge the “errors” I seem to see outside of me, and ahuge amount of judging will have disappeared from this world.

Ah. Tht is nice. Yes. THT is so nice 🙂

Let me continue that sentence: HAH.I’ll let the errors stay, this time 🙂

Yesterday I was guided to a website called “Havening.” I went through the process – VERY simple one, which to me is a sign of autenticity – with an old trauma, and I did not feel any change there and then – a litlle relaxation maybe –

but today – now –

OH 🙂

Very nice simple videos on that site – you can follow them for free, yet another sign of autenticity and love

So I hope you forgive the typos in this post, folks – I have

Drama

This is the 40th day of  The 40 day in the desert-process with Lisa Natoli.

I woke up at 5am with the usual poisonous pains in the body, asked for help and remembered Lisa’s theory that when we do not extend the Love that we are – because we forget Who we are – then that energy is turned inward and turns poisonous. It is just energy that is not used the way it is supposed to.

Love wants to be shared – and right now, I was subconsciously  blocking it. I instantly offer to share this love – with whom?

I instantly see images from Congo. Joshua French, the Norwegian man who at first was accused of murdering a Congolese driver together with his friend Tjostolf Moland. Recently Moland died in prison, and French was accused of having murdered him too.

I extend Love to the whole situation and everyone involved, It feels indescribably good, and all poison is gone. While I am extending the Love, there are no thought of judgments, no wondering what this is for, no trying to fix – just allowing unconditional Love into the whole situation.

Then the ego sneaks in an claims the forgiveness as its own: a “me” being the good and saintly one and the Congolese authorities as the baddies – and I asked for help to see this differently. I was shown that what was needed was just a change of my perception of the whole situation – orchestrated as the good and innocent ones and the bad overpowering ones .I remembered Ken Wapnick’s incessant  reminders to his students: The Course is not about changing the world – there is no world – it is about healing the thoughts in the mind that are projected into this world and seemingly creating wars, disasters and evil – and also so-called “good.”

How sobering! All I need to forgive is my perception of the situation – which included distributing character traits, guilt, and blame, as the ego loves it.  The world is a play, as Shakespeare realized. What I see with my physical eyes are only projections of thoughts in the mind – seeming so very real and alive – but still only a projection we humans get caught in.

A beautiful peace ascends on me as I am taken back to Truth – and I pray for help to see the Congo-play differently, and to have my vision of it corrected. As I do this, it feels like looking at figures in an old black-and-white movie, they are flickering shadows. I ask to see clearly, and the figures turn out to be actors distributing roles between them. This scene plays out on the plane before incarnation: “Oh what a great play! So much to learn! You will play the poor Joshua French, and I will play the mean and ugly prosecutor – and then you get to be the innocent one and I will seem to be the villain –  yes, and the Congolese will have bald shiny heads and black suits and they will scream as they prosecute…” and I see them laughing and shaking hands as they distribute the roles in the drama –

– and then I see the “actors” DE-ROLING – now all the “actors” are standing there before me – everybody has “donned” their roles and have acquired important experiences and life-lessons that their souls have wanted. They all have got what they wanted, as the Course teaches – not on the level of the human, but on the level of soul. Now I see only light-beings – and after a little while, I see only One. And It is looking back at me, and saying:

This is all a dream – and you are dreaming it. Forgive yourself: you are the Holy Son of God* who fell asleep and dreamed up a world where there seemed to exist something else than God’s Love and God’s Will. Come Home to your Sacred Self

 

*

To any new reader of this blog and unfamiliar with A Course in Miracles:

The “Son of God” referred to is NOT the character Leelah – the human personality – but God’s Holy Son, created in His image – and that creation is Spirit – our true Identity. It is only from Spirit I could see that play unraveling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t change the world change the mind about it

More LU q&a’s

 December 1st, 2012, 8:44 pm

Dear Ilona, before I answer your questions, I need to explain something about my perception.
From I was small I have seen angels and beings that are invisible to most others. They are just as real to me as the physical world. And I have to tell you that the time I met a unicorn is one of my most loved experiences: it felt like an angel, but sweeter, more childlike. So I don’t know about Santa Claus 🙂 but Unicorns and other fable-creatures have been seen by me and countless others – just as we turn the channel – finder on the radio, we can fine-tune an inner channel-finder to this level of consciousness. The beings show their reality to me by their wise and loving communication.
I think most artists know what i talk about.
So this is not something i can call unreal when i experience it. I need to find a way to express these experiences/what is seen and heard on an astral level/ in a way that is workable for you. Otherwise you will ask me to check and see if it is real and not – and for me, this is definitely real, but I think not real like you mean it.I want to find out if it is doable by inquiry the way you do it. When asking if an angel is seen as real will be a clear yes ♥

 December 2:
Ilona:Hm, interesting. Do you see them angels and unicorns on your dreams or in waking state?
Both. But  it is strongest when I see them when awake. There is sensing of ” loving presence too” – the kind of presence that makes your hair stand up and tears come to the eyes. Listening inside in those situations is listening to words coming from another realm – one who knows of no separation, but who recognizes that “I” still do, so the “words” are given in ways that are most helpful. If this happens when I have clients or students, they too report that they sense the presence, which can be so strong that the knees buckles and we have to sit/lay down. – *
After having written that yesterday, I had a good night’s sleep – which is rare – and woke up today without the feeling of none of the old trauma me’s at all. Now there is only a sense of aliveness, presence, peace. No pressure – which is such a wonder. I have seen this effect with LU-guiding with Chris too – and you, some time ago, before him – that sometimes the guide says something, there is a strong resistance, and then, three days after or so, things have been sorted out, and the old resisted questions now is seen as simple and easy to answer.
So here are the answers to your last questions:

Ilona: can unreal have real power? can unreal be alive? if you look at superman now, has he got any powers?
it is not about REMEMBERING, but checking to SEE any given moment, if it’s true or not. remembering equals new belief. seeing unreal as unreal every time there is doubt, is what frees the mind from belief that imaginary stuff has power.

Superman has no powers.

Ilona: is there a me that can get sucked in? and isn’t this a resistance playing out that says NO to the specific energy? if so, invite it closer. dive into that energy and see what it is without labels and names.

There is only a thought of a separate self/Leelah. And yes, it is a resistance to a certain energy, coming from identifying with the false self.
This morning, a thought came: “I have thought that me and separate self is the same.” What a relief that was: the separate self is an illusion – I laughed when i looked at it – and there was no laugherer either, just a huge feeling of smiling space. When you have asked “can you find the me”, this Presence has always been felt to some extent – so I have had to say yes. And small separated self-identity has grabbed it and told itself that this Love is part of “me.” It is not, it is impossible, this Love can now be own, it is our very essence

Ilona: Is belief in a sufferer a feeling or a thought? how do you feel the sufferer? is there a sufferer or there is a thought that comes up and is believed to be true? does belief make a sufferer real?

Belief in a sufferer is a thought, believed in, not corrected, memory confused with now. Belief makes the sufferer SEEM real and brings all the stories and archetypes into this moment – and then the mind says “well, there are so much feelings and energies here, that must mean that the stories about them is real – they cannot come from nothing, can they??
They don’t come from nothing, they come from beliefs that seem to make the stories real. The me takes this as yet an opportunity to prove its separate existence.

Leelah  Dec.1st):Maybe it is some entity that dresses up like child-me in order to vampyrize me.Ilona:can you check if this is true. what is this entity and what is this me in the sentence there?

The entities are in my understanding from the lower astral field. It is my understanding that in the world of opposites they are symbols of mankind’s denied dark side – all that we see as bad and “I would NEVER do such a thing”. It represent all the uglies in the mind that we collectively has disowned – and what we resist, persist and may manifest as demonic in all kinds of forms. In my understanding again, they are not real since they do not come from Love. in my understanding, built on investigating in this for 45 years, only Love is real. But as I told you, that darkness may manifest as forms, as they do for people in psychoses. Luckily I have been there myself, in the youth, and vowed to find out where that stuff came from and how one could deal with it. That seems like a good thing to do, as long as one sees oneself as a separate being.
There might still be occasionally “visits” from “dark entities” – but seen from this view now, that is only a possibility to thank them and ask them if they need something – like my favorite saint, the Tibetan Milarepa did with the 5 demons who visited his cave. He welcomed them, and first he offered them tea – then he sang for them ( now 4 had left) and with the th, he put his head in its mouth to offer himself as food. And poof 🙂
So this answer is spoken from a vastly different place than believing they had power over “me.” There is no separate me – the demon and “i” seem to be different manifestations of mind – but in my understanding again ( my used only as means of communication) Life just is, and is lifing as you so wonderfully name it.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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