What do you Want?

I took a course in Yoga for Lungs today! What do my lungs need to tell me? A partner danced it for me – I need to actually consciously, with will and choice, receive the Light from Above. Shivers when I write this.

Going home by bus afterwards was really complicated – the first snow had arrived, and there were mile long ques. I actually knocked on a car windows to ask if the person was driving in my direction. A woman said yes, and then drove in a different direction, which chocked me a bit – now I was even longer from home. I stood at a bus stop there to return to where I had come from – aaargggh – and a car stopped right at my bus stop. The woman inside did not see me, she was talking in her cellphone. I walked to the car and knocked at the window. She put the phone down and took me in. I said inside; “I am ready for a miracle now. Give me joy!”

The woman was gorgeous with many long rastabraids, and not from my country. After some minutes she told me she was going in another direction than me, and I said OK , I can walk from here – when she said, how many minutes to drive from here? “Five” I said, and she said “ I will drive you home.”

Shivers up my back. She told me how she had needed 5 minutes help from someone today, and nobody would help her – so she chose to help me instead.

My heart opened wide, I was touched that she reacted to others unhelpfulness with helpfulness and told her. We found out that we were both textile artists  – how about that! We shared or names –she was BEA –  and a huge light and warmth opened up between us.  I shared the joy I FELT and she nodded, YES I feel it too! When she stopped to drop me off, I said “ I will never forget you, Bea – and she said “ Leelah, I will never forget you!”

And I won’t. Never.

 

 

 

 

 

The Final Bite

Dream: Something goes on between my daughter and me, and I feel a hatred and a RAGE that is larger than the world. In the dream, there is something she prevents me me do or express, and I sense I will implode from it. I bend and bite her in her hip- and as I see it now, I bite right into her very skeleton – her bone-structure.

Awake, I know that M is just a projection of my own anger at my parents – that I internalized – and that this judged and repressed energy went right into my bone structure and may well be the innermost cause of  “my” Osteoporosis,

This came after the second time I have done the bladder/kidney/water-poses in Donna Eden and Lauren Walker’s online course *** The first time my body screamed with pain, but  I  am determined to do this in a non-harmful way. The second time it went much better – I must do it in the morning and not evening, I notice, the body is not so sluggish then.

I talked with the Leelah –part who received all that anger and hatred and acknowledged that it would have been dangerous to express it when small- and I admitted that she/ my child self/ had received that bite. For a long time I was WITH her, embracing her, letting her express and rant. I truly SAW the power of denied and judged emotions, and the huge work the Triple Warmer does do keep us “safe.”

I have worked since 1988 in my private practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist ( background as an artist), and my patients have all had the same intensely forbidden and repressed anger. It has been a gradual unraveling through 31 years to get to the point of clarity this late night.

Now there is still work to be done – owning the energy instead of the old habit of pushing it back, allowing it to move with the structures given me in this course. The great healing is, that NOW the judgment of it has gone – not me or mine anymore, just neutral energy that can be given outlets and being played with and expressed the way I love to do.

Thank you Donna and Lauren from all my heart. Thank myself for hanging in there for all these years, vowing to heal myself this life, thank you to all my patients to also hung in there for years until our common patterns were lovingly given space and form – in storytelling, movement, dance, music, painting and drawing. Through it all, Love was present and showed us that we could trust the process, and that play and forgiveness was the main ingredients in our journeys.

After having worked in my practice for 4 years, I started to see a common thread in all my patients – and I found 10 archetypes of fear. I started to explore the very essence of them, and found out what healed our relationship to these fear-and-violence-forces in us all – and finding what healed them. After 25 years worked, I wrote two books about our work – one of the gradual process of working through the darkest forces, giving them space ( yoga was always a modality that I loved) and one very playful one which uses creativity and play – and LOVE –  to deal with crises and transform them into possibilities.

The two books are placed in the right menu. My Amazon pages has many reviews  for you to read if you are interested in what others found helpful.

***If interested in the Course, google “EnergyMedicineYoga with Donna Eden and Lauren Walker” and you will find links and videos.

 

 

The Split

I listened to Danna Fauld’s poem on a meditation tape in the night – Tara Brach’s – and was taken by these lines in particular ( in italics:)


Awakening Now
 
 Why wait for your awakening?
The moment your eyes are open,
seize the day.  Would you hold
back when the Beloved beckons?
Would you deliver your litany
of sins like a child’s collection
of sea shells, prized and labeled?
“No, I can’t step across the
threshold,” you say, eyes
downcast.  “I’m not worthy.
I’m afraid, and my motives
aren’t pure.  I’m not perfect,
and surely I haven’t practiced
nearly enough.  My meditation
isn’t deep, and my prayers are
sometimes insincere.  I still chew
my fingernails, and the refrigerator
isn’t clean.”  Do you value your
reasons for staying small more
than the light shining through
the open door?  Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have
to be whole.  Now is the sole
moment that exists to live in
the light of your true Self.
Perfection is not a prerequisite
for anything but pain.  Please,
oh please, don’t continue to
believe in your disbelief. This
is the day of your awakening.
Danna Faulds
From: Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga

 This morning I had a Skype sharing with Kit again. I had not planned to say what I said, but out it came. I told her about my clear impression/inner image of an old sourpuss – and how it feels that he has occupied my body and soul. Sometimes he feels so viscerally close that I smell the old tobacco stench from his filthy clothes – as if he is present as an imprint, just invisible.

He hates and sneers at absolutely everything. And – there is something else, something so disgusting about him –  I don’t get it yet …

Sometimes when he is present, I identify with these feelings, his presence – and feel that something is off, since I am not an old hateful man who stinks of tobacco. But “he” does occupy my nervous system. And – I uttered this vehemently  to Kit- I cannot fathom why I hold on to this soul piece to make myself small, as the poem states it.

Kit points to the intensity I say fathom with – filled with judgment and condemnation for myself. It is true: I have such venomous hatred for that part of me who has subjected me to this foreign male drunk-energy or whatever it is.

So instead of trying to figure this out and get rid of it, we agree that we will just BE with it and allow stuff to come as it will – and not judge my condemnation of “him” or myself for having accepted his energy/soul-part.

The minute I accept and don’t try to figure out and resist, I  am back to being 11year old, on the way back from school on my bike together with a class mate. I “see” him crystal clear now: his old dirty thin long gray black coat, and him flashing it open, being naked, and the red strange bulgy looking thingy between his legs – and me wondering what in the world that was – since I had never seen such a thing before.

In this moment there is an avalanche of energy going through me: I HAD seen this thingy since I was born, both my father’s and other men’s – but now I realize the tremendous dissociation in my mind: there was the belief and experience of a “whore-Leelah” –  and this other, “normal” schoolgirl who knew nothing at all about the part that was considered a whore. This 11 year old schoolgirl now saw an erected penis the first time, and had no idea about what that was. I feel her reaction: “What is that? why does he do that? what for?”

This is the tremendous power of the mind to split, to make separate selves.

Kit tells me she get shivers up her legs  – and then her whole body – when I share this. That’s the sign I need that I have touched deeply repressed stuff, allowing it to be seen at last.

As I now see the image from outside, I see an energy transfer from him to the 11 year old me. Just writing this makes me yawn and feel nauseated: I see this soul stuff, this old hateful thought form/whatever we may call it/ coming into me.

At last this has fallen into place: “he” – who might even be the man’s own father’s soul part -is with me.

What I see now is a great insight: his flashing was the first time this “normal” girl-part saw this sexual part of a man. The flasher is bridging the two parts of me – and only when I am 69 years old, do I at last realize the scope of my splitting and repression.These 2 identities had no knowledge of each other.

And right now I think I have to figure this out – otherwise “he” will stay inside my being forever, parasiting  on me –

“Only as long as you believe in it” suggests Kit – “what if we just BE here right now, until something pops up.”

An ocean of grief is seen. And the tensions of having to be prepared for the worst to happen again and again and again.

Kit remembers the Zen Kuan of the gooseling in the bottle – how to get it out of the bottle? The student realizes “it was never inside there in the first place” – and is enlightened.” Leelah, you are saying that you don’t want him there – but what if he never was there,  – you have experienced it, but there exists another dimension where he was never inside you –

You can turn toward the dimension where he was inside you – or you can turn toward the light shining through the open door.”

 Yes I truly can and will

*

Kit shares about a fall-out between herself and her youngest boy who refused putting warm clothes on when leaving the kindergarten – and her ending up with taking him on her lap in the park and force-dressing him – with devastating results for them both – and how she ended up with allowing her son to walk to the bus in his thin clothes. She shared her feeling of helplessness and powerlessness, and found deep feelings of personal shame. She suddenly thought about the flasher and saw the direct connection: when we do not find space for, and accept  the helplessness within ourselves, we give room for the violence and brute force.

The “monster” is really an expression of our deepest despair and powerlessness, and his act is a scream: “help! I am powerless!” We see the universal aspect of powerlessness that we all share – and the shame comes when we take it personally – when it is all about “me.”

Suddenly I see through the appearance of the flasher. There is forgiveness for us both, for everyone who find themselves trapped within a dark emotion that they identify with.

Do you value your reasons for staying small
more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself.

*

Epilogue:

The morning after writing this, I have dream. I am teaching in a Waldorf School, and the pupils are about 14-15. But there is a little girl among them – maybe 4 years old. She is dressed in a homemade knitted red dress and red dressing and shoes – and she beams at me with such a joy and love, and comes to me and hugs me tenderly. Her love and gratitude enfolds me.

Yesterday I set her free.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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