trusting the Heart

I have felt zonked out for almost three days…old parts of me trying to isolate old old disaster-identity…today, when trying to welcome all of that without judging, a third Voice was heard – and it was without any agenda at all: “There just might be another way.”

I think I have heard That One before.

It became clear that the protecting/isolating part had bound up all its power in being the ONE who was responsible for protecting the disaster-memory-one…of course it did not want to give up all that power…but here It was, that clear Voice – just reminding the others that this other way was available. And the Presence of that Voice was heard and sensed. I felt myself coming “back” from fog-land – dissociation-land – and just decided to sit with all of it.

Then  the Heart whispered that It would love that I trusted It.

What a change I felt then –  I was aware how much I “trust” the  protector-parts, because their effect in my body makes them seem so real. And again I am reminded that it is I who make them real, by believing in their “real-ness.”

And I giggle as I remember a dream this morning:

My late husband, the Professor of Puppetry and  theater technology, was telling me that we had several puppets to repair before Christmas.

I think this symbol of my male side really belongs to the ego thought-system.

And he is NOT here in form any longer, so I might just remember that I do not need to repair any puppets any longer – that time has gone.

It’s really wonderful to know that I chose to work so closely with making puppets this life – both designing them and making them and  assisted with the directing – and even dramatizing for God’s sake – wow, talk about having practice for the Decision-making part of the mind

And what’s even more fun is that K and I made a very famous puppet who has sung with both Julie Andrews and the Queen – so now the puppet made by two puppets is famous, and is performing with other famous puppets – maybe I should call him a puppet-puppet

giggles

faith in sinlessness

I had a great experience yesterday. I got in my mail an invitation to an organization that calls itself Swingers. In short, they switch partners. They have sent me their invitations many times, and I mail them and demand to be deleted from their list, and how the hell did they get my mail-address? (well, in a nicer way). I even reported them to an official organization who takes care of spam. To no avail.
So yesterday here there were again, and ego was having a ball! Fear, disgust and ALL the stories I have defined myself by came up, with the corresponding pain and nausea and feelings of being toxic.
And suddenly I had enough. It was NOT going to work to report them or complain or demand my right or anything.
And I got an impulse to go open a new book ” Forgiveness is the Home of Miracles” by Robin Busfield. I like it a lot, it is helpful to me. I was reading: (from lesson 181) “Perception has a focus.It is this that gives consistency to what you see. Change but this focus, and you will change accordingly. Your vision now will shift, to give support to the intent which has replaced the one you held before. Remove your focus on your brother’s sins, and you experience the peace that comes from faith in sinlessness.”
So I went to bed and saw these people as sinless, and that their actions were not real and had no power to take away my peace ( or theirs) Suddenly a space opened where I saw them as they are, and their swingers-costumes just fell away. And I also saw that they sent me these emails again and again until I saw them as my brothers.
And if I ever  get another one, that will be an opportunity to see them in truth again.

I still have not managed to forgive my great friend, and he has not contacted me after my angry mail. I wonder why I hang on to this grievance . I see the situation right-minded, and still I feel anger when I think about him – even though I know where it is coming from. -Well: this is how ego does. Let me not judge it.

Dream this morning: I am on a tram, going home to rest…and my old (childhood)-house is so much easier and closer to go to. It’s empty in my dream, I can go there when I want to…but I need food, there is no nourishment there 🙂

It seems I am on the wrong track

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In my first post – “little sister in hiding” I described an image of a tree with inhabitants. Within the ego thought system, these inhabitants constitute archetypal forces in any soul that has been part of abusive and violent behavior: both “victims” and “abusers” have them.  In the crown of the tree, there is a big bird: she is the part of the victim identity that has denied the original terror  and finds her identity as helper and “savior.” She feels that her existence is only justified if she “saves” someone. One of the ways she saves is subconsciously taking on other people’s suffering, and processing it in her own nervous system.

14 years training with a Buddhist psychologist could not dissolve this pattern in me – must be very hidden, this choice of suffering and wanting punishment.  When I identify with the pattern, being caught in it,  this “I” merges with others’ pain and insanity.

Like yesterday:

I read a post on a web-community for energy-work: this woman was stuck in terrible anxiety about practicing as a therapist, as she saw that she had taken vows as a monk in earlier lives where earning money was not considered pure and spiritual. As I read it, something inside instantly recognized the level of anxiety she was trapped in: my Bird was activated. And instead of forgiving it and asking Blue for help, I merged with Bird and mailed the woman and gave her some tips on where to get help for this.

Now there is nothing wrong in wanting to help – what became wrong here is the attachment that Bird has to the belief that she HAS TO FIX THE OTHER in order to be allowed to live.

Immediately I received a very grateful answer – and a huge bunch of questions. I sensed she had surrendered to me now – to Bird-Savior –  and knew this was a bad solution. I gave her the link she needed to subscribe to the group. Now I felt trapped, and began to merge with our common pool of terror. And not-so-big-surprise – the tensions in the neck started again. Now the ego had me convinced that the situation was real and terrible: I watched myself going into ” oh no no no, I must not be so terrified, then the neck-stiffness will start,” and then I watched myself attacking myself for NEVER learning.

I sat myself down, noticed my victim-terror-thoughts and showed them to Jesus. Did not judge them. I started seeing the woman as one of the many false images I hold on to keep my personal self intact – and the struggle to keep her “alive”.

The I sensed an impulse to open a book: “Forgiveness is the Home of Miracles” by Robyn Busfield. She described how she was doing lesson 181:

“I trust my brothers, who are one with me. – – -When you attack a brother, you proclaim that he is limited by what you have perceived in him. You do not look beyond his errors. Rather, they are magnified, becoming blocks to your awareness of the Self that lies beyond your own mistakes, and past his seeming sins as well as yours.— Perception has a focus. It is this that gives consistency to what you see. Change but this focus, and you will change accordingly. Your vision now will shift, to give support to the intent which has replaced the one you held before. Remove your focus on your brother’s sins  ( i. e. their fear and guilt, my words) and you experience the peace that comes from faith in sinlessness. —

A bit later in the lesson 181: When I am unable to trust my brother I will repeat: “It is not this that I would look upon. I trust my brothers who are one with me.”

I go to bed. The anxiety is filling my nervous system with its toxic quality. I set the intention of seeing the scared woman as she truly is and also see my Self – and my state of being changes from anxiety to a glowing warm sphere where  we are both included. I know she is safe, and does not need saving.: this is indeed a dream.

Still, my dreams are filled with attack – on a big moose. Yuck.  Was my meditation in vain?

In the morning, my neighbor is calling me. I live in a row-house with a common gutter. She reminds me that on her side, on the top of the gutter, there is a blockage, which makes my gutter overflow right in front of my window, second floor.  I love to see this story as a symbolic comment to my post today. The blockage is on her side – and I experience the consequences. I have already tried to find someone who can be brave enough to climb a very long staircase and remove the blockage to free circulation – but all my efforts are fruitless. This morning I suggest she takes some phones – I give her the responsibility to release the block that is on her side. Oh I just had to ask! I just had to ask, and not take the responsibility from her. Immediately she gets a brilliant idea, calls a member in our community of house-owners. In just some short minutes an elderly man has placed our long ladder to the blocked place ( how in the earth did she know it was there??) – he grabs into the horizontal gutter, and a huge lump of leaves and stuff fall to the earth. The water gushes out at the bottom of the freed gutter.

He had to set the ladder on my ground – in order to clear the blocks on her side – in order to relieve the gutter on my side from overflowing.

When the gutter is freed, I  instantly sense the relief in my body and mind. Tensions drain away, and grateful tears are flowing. It feels like waking up: my head is clearing, and I feel a big tiredness. A thought comes to me about the anxious woman – and all feelings of  being in danger because I take her fear on me, are gone. She is J and I am N, and she is Spirit, heal and whole and innocent – and all is forgiven and released.

When I open my mailbox after breakfast, I go to the energy-practitioners group as I use to. There is a post from her where she asks for help, and a loving college of mine who offers to help her.

Now the correction-program – a symbol of what is looking for errors in me – had red lines under a lot of words that was correctly spelled: ladder, when, scared, sinlessness. Pointing to how I/ego loves to “correct me”: “you were wrong! you are doing the Course wrong!”  I am starting to giggle now. Is also corrected a NO. But YES, I am going to say NO to believe in ego’s shenanigan

resting in the calm space of Love

Thanks so much to all who has given  support and comments. I have a tendency to experience myself as isolated, and this helps me see where that came from –  oh, the moment the Son of God thought the separation happened…so unbearable that we had to make a world to find company with others in. And I gladly admit that I enjoy your company, as long as I still am dreaming.

So for the last 3-4 months I think, I have been dreaming an increasing stiffening in the neck, dispersed with stinging pain, and the area of the stiffness, almost like ice-flakes, have been increasing, and the ice has become thicker. The last 2 days my head was starting to become ice too – or more like ice-fog – the mental capacity was gone, all I could do was cry and moan and pray to God for help help help. Vaguely I heard a faint voice telling me that to say yes to all of this would be good – just allow it to be as it was. Hearing this, the catastrophe-thinking abated a bit – enough to allow me to work through  difficulties in a relationship that bothered me big time. We managed that – and suddenly I felt about 50% better.

I was dreading the night – lying down was not good for this neck/back/head – but all of a sudden, it felt delicious.

I had a night which was filled with CLEAR dreams. It was devoid of chaos. I would like that sentence to be written in gold. The atmosphere was of PURITY. Everything and everyone had a sacred space around them, and the space was respected. Being in that space was pure healing. I was waking up in intervals, and thankfulness was pouring out of me: all the stiffness – well almost – was evaporated.

Did this miracle of healing in the mind,showing up as healing in the body, come just because I said yes?  I sense that in that yes there was a letting go, an awakening – the dream said “now this will be the end of you, you are surely dying” and the yes said yes to the process, knowing that whatever happened, I was safe.

What is most wonderful for me is the times where I stop believing that the pain and sensations mean that I am dying. An old deep fear that haunts me still is to be stuck in hell  in the space between incarnations. As a Course-student I see how helpful the Course’ teaching is in addressing this old fear of mine: ego evaluates – Holy Spirit accepts. I’ll dowse a quote from my wise-word-book:

“These feelings of anger and fear and resentment are just a shield of confusion I am using against Love. They’re just a barrier I am holding against the calm space that is all around me right now. I could feel this great peacefulness here and now, but I’ve chosen instead to experience this upset and distress. Yes, I just became afraid again of Love, that’s all, no biggie, and I need to do so no more.”

Oh my, what a beautiful synchronicity. How wonderful I have arranged all for myself: either I can listen to Blue directly – OR I have His words in my note-books.

And now I truly know how beautiful it is to rest in that calm space.

I am so blessed

I see you, and I love what I see

Early morning in my healing-room. Tired, gloomy, depressed, heavy. Asking Blue to speak to me. ( And if someone has read these blogs, they will know that Blue is the name I use for Jesus ( see August 18: little sister in hiding)

When you see the rising sun and look at it, you feel peace and awe. Know that the sun – the symbol of source of life in the world is also looking at you, seeing only Itself: pure beauty, light and perfection. Source sees only Source.

This is said with the utmost tenderness.

Suddenly I don’t feel separate  any more. And not special either.

letting go

This identification with ego…this morning it was radiantly clear: suddenly letting  go of “something” inside. Have no idea of what…then I started to hear  “voices” who spoke from within different ego-roles… “the little Ninotchka-sufferer”, “the rebel”…and I was quite outside all of them,  looking down on them from a very clear space, knowing they were all unreal. The peace was there, identification gone. I knew that “this part of ego knows a, needs b” – and I am none of the parts. A big inner smile and loving voice: “You just let go of needing struggle.”

Deep peace inside. Much change in my electromagnetic field.

The I decided to play:  I wanted to finish some artistic work with a chair. And the disturbances started. Electronic equipment went ballistics: radio-stations moved from one band-width to another, and in ten  minutes back again. trying to tape a program was impossible: the result was two programs on top of each other, both playing at the same time. I knew deep down that what was called for, was to just SIT or WALK – be present – and that even playing was not possible: too much was re-arranged, it just needed space. But I was entangling myself again, not seeing that I was merging with one of those “I -have-to-voices” again.

I then had a Focusing-sharing with Sh.

The root-problem was expressing itself – the Son of God believing to be guilty and taking on the responsibility to fix the mess he thinks he has done. How wonderful it was to share sacred space with Sh and just hang out with this “part”. At one point, “he” let go of the responsibility: seeing that going to the brain to find out “the right thing to do, or else” would NOT bring peace, and it would also NOT help anybody – at this point, I saw like a pitch-black heavy curtain ripping in two, and then the curtain seems to become slowly transparent.

At this point I sensed that my Presence was the Presence of the Holy Spirit, and that all the judgment around the “savior” was dripping, sliding off. The struggle was melting. As our session ended, I felt so present, heavy, grateful – and the minute we ended our Skype-connection, I knew I wanted to go and just sit with all of this – and I did not:

No, I just had to mail Sh first with a link…and…and…and while I was doing these shoulds, I was observing myself choosing the ego. And not judging myself for that.

I forgive myself for still wanting guilt

I forgive myself for wanting my “me-ness”…without that savior-belief-struggle, who would I be?

This is where I am at right now

being in the wrong mind with Jesus

Jamie (ACIMmonk) once told me this little saying from Ken:

“Being in the right mind

is being in the wrong mind

with Jesus.”

While he was telling me that, I heard it inside sung by a gospel group – like a prayer.

This evening, looking at “So you think you can dance”-semi-finals, a crystal clear insight arose: “Being in the ego and not judging it – you get an A+.” Ken writes that somewhere. And most of the heavy stuff that has been stiffening me up these last days started to slide off.

I am amazed at how different it feels – this non-judging of ego: the fear is missing. The stiff neck and pain is” just so” – no big deal –  and I can be gentle toward myself – while in the judging mode, I hated myself and then hated myself for hating myself …feeling trapped, sick and desperate. (And almost dying…)

Maybe – just maybe – I next time under attack can remember:  this is how it feels to judge the ego and make it real.

old archives

Tremendous tightness and blocked-ness in neck/head. Feels like all that I ever have thought or read or felt or picked up is playing like a tape, how the heck do I let it go? It seems to me that when I want to let something go, it is because I resist having it – which means that it will stay…I don’t know how to release it in any other way than to speak it out with someone who listens – and when I speak it out to Jesus, it might feel relieved a bit, but then it seem to be back…there is something I seem to hold on to recently: I called a good friend two days ago when the constriction in the head was so overwhelming that I thought I was dying. I told him on the answering machine, and asked him to call back – we have ways to help each other by phone and  otherwise, having worked as healers for years both of us.

He did not call back

I called the next day, and he felt evasive…”Well maybe I just  did not call back…”  where the hell was my great friend? and little Ninotchka collapsed and was  drawn into her old story where no amount of suffering and torture was enough to have her parents notice and care.

So I decided to not forgive and being pissed by mail. That felt good. Sort of. Since then I have been through the  whole chalabang  of knowing it did not happen to me, it came through me, and I don’t want to experience this any more – I could even see myself forgiving the guy – but underneath N is smoldering and demanding apologies and I can’t let go or won’t and it hurts like hell. And yes, I see that what really is going on is my holding on to being an individual, and having  the perception that I am super guilty and need to find others who treat me like crap so I can be innocent. Aaaaghhh and it seems REALLY serious, and I believe in it.

So I went to town, meeting my daughter, to visit a gallery with a new exhibition with a mixture of textile art and puppetry. Walking to the gallery,I told her that I felt like everything I ever had experienced was archived in my tired tight feeling neck and head, and did not know how to let it go.

The exhibition was about archives of old knowledge:  wonderful made, it gave me chills. There was an animated film about an old Archiver who animated dead stuff  – just  like I was doing  in my own stuffed up mind. Looking at an installation, it felt like looking into this old part of my mind:the artist had rolled up old old book pages and covered them with glued-on paper, which burst here and there, like ripe boils… it looked like a nest of a giant spider. On the ground, several punctured colorful balls were scattered…long since played with…

the contrast between the punctured balls and the dusty archives was quite striking – and also the synchronicity of the theme and my condition right now.

I am taking this Course far too serious

I want somebody to play with

all by myself…

Yes! For all of us who love to indulge in old stories!

belief

Belief is all important. If I believe I am it,I will become it. If I believe I can do it, I will.

Yesterday I saw a movie with Henrik Fexeus, mind reader and psychological illusionist.  He told two women who had fear of heights for a long time that he could treat them. They were taken out in the woods where there was a  35 feet tall metallic stair leaning on a pole, and he checked out how far they dared to climb – which turned out to be one step – before the panic started.

The treatment consisted of home-lessons: he told them to make one drawing that was to symbolize their fear each day, and he would later in the week come and analyze them. He also gave them a CD and told them to listen to it morning and evening – and he gave them a DVD which played geometrical shapes.

He then told us – the seers – that what the women thought were part of a treatment, was absolute nonsense. The CD was a mixture of classical music and Henrik reading from Alice in Wonderland, the DVD was nothing else than shapes. The intention with this experiment, he told us, was to demonstrate that the women could conquer their fear because something inside them believed it was possible and allowed it to happen – and that we all have this possibility to transcend limitations, if we believe it.

The women were interviewed how they experienced the CD and DVD, and both said they became very tired the first two days, and then they felt much better. They felt hopeful that this might work, but still felt great fear when they thought about climbing up the pole.

We witnessed how Henrik visited the two ladies and analyzed their drawings. He saw only  sighs of success and hope: “yes, I see you have used the color violet – the king of colors. …and here, this is a sign that you really will succeed.” Both women affirmed that what he said felt true and right.

And when the week was over, they both climbed happily to the top, enjoying it.

It  was wonderful  to witness their expressions when he told them that the treatment had been bogus. They saw that something inside them had removed the fear, because they had believed it would.

The Course is all about belief – and where I place it. If I believe that my “offenders” have the power to take the peace of God away, they will. The moment I remember that the offenders are projections from my guilty mind, and not real, I can forgive them for what they never did.

I  bit my nails all my life – until the night when I re-experienced a vicious attack when I was very little, and sensed the evil-seeming energy around me. In that moment, I had a crystal clear insight: “this feeling of evil and dark energy has nothing to do with me.”

The identification with that archetypal energy left me – it was very clearly sensed – and after that, I lost all impulses to bite my nails – except the thumbs. For some reason, that is still there – so I must have some hidden belief there that it can give me something I need.