Implants

For info on what ” psychic implants” may be, please google it and choose the explanation that resonates with you.

I have been through a tough process since I and  my friend Ellen shared Access Bars with each other last Thursday. In that process, implants were removed – some of them from my late father, having to do with giving up my own will and adjusting to his – resulting in not having a voice for my self.

The whole Friday was packed with old patterns and false identification with them – old judgments and condemnations about myself – it felt like the whole “ego-world” had filled me up to the brim. I used the Clearing Statement a lot, but did not sense release – except for the moments when I managed to say yes to  the overwhelm as it was.

But last night – Friday to Saturday – was very different. I felt so very much better, and realized that that whole field/gestalt of energy overwhelm yesterday was just THAT which I needed to realize had come to be blessed, embraced and forgiven. It HAS to come up and be seen – so I can choose again: this time I chose NOT to judge it, just to let it go, “uncreate” it as Jeshua says in Way of Mastery.

I had a lot of paranoid thoughts yesterday – and lots of hateful self-thoughts. Today I can only smile at them and shake my head – “Is it possible that I can have believed that!”

Fun little detail: yesterday my right big toe leaned hard into its neighbor. Today, there is 6 mm free space between them 🙂

And an important reminder in a dream:

A lively and very inquisitive little dog jumped down on the rails on a Train station, found a tube there and immediately tried to force his body into the whole. I jumped down together with a man and we got his tail and dragged him out before the train came.

Leelah – remember this: when an impulse comes to investigate and explore something, ask yourself first: Is this REALLY what you want? Is it safe? will it lead to joy? and I know that I will feel a “go ahead” or a “no”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

Aligning with Source

Incredible exciting things are happening – it’s all about alignment. “ I choose to love only God”  evolves joyfully into “ I choose to align with Love.”

1)I have hearing aids the last 4-5 years. For me, not hearing good is connected with something I do not want to hear. And again for me, that has turned out to be God or Self.

This morning there was after 3 days constant practice easy to align.

I went to the PC in the morning – my favorite means for distraction, and an old pattern – to  need closeness from others to feel safe and OK. Needing approvement  from the outside has always laid at the bottom  of the “me” I have created – as my main lifeline.

Now I was asked by Spirit to stay in focus.

I worked with a manuscript for a magazine, and saw something on my desktop, and started to edit a text from Jeshua, coming through Judith Coates. I had copied it from a Newsletter and the formatting needed editing. It took a lot of time, I grew heavy and dense and exhausted.

I stopped the work – and asked Spirit “where did I fall off the horse?” And immediately saw the editing. I was editing Jeshua words into a more space-economical form J

The moment I recognized it, all the power came rushing back, I was fully present.

2) At breakfast, I had decided to not end the breakfast with something sweet – usually bread with honey and cinnamon. This has been my habit for years. I found a reason not to break the habit J and felt heavy and sluggish.  And yes, it was not because of the honey, but because I had changed my decision and broken a promise to my self.

Now too did the life force return pretty instantaneous.

3) I was stitching. Gradually feeling exhausted. Realized that underlying the process was  again the old pattern of hoping for approvement from others stitchers on Facebook. I stopped and spoke to Spirit again, affirming that I wanted to ALIGN and do the work WITH this alignment.

What I before ( and now) thought was the effect of low blood sugar now realigned itself into full presence within a minute.

Very exciting it is, very promising – and very demanding when it comes to focus on alignment. Burt it has also truly convincing: I want this alignment MOST OF ALL. It is simply HOME.

 

 

Decisions and signs from a giggly Spirit

This is about the power of decision as Jeshua /Jesus teaches in A Course in Miracles and “Way of Mastery.”

I obviously has a Self who loves to have fun.

After last days webcast, I have practiced a lot: I choose – I decide.

And so my electrical and electronic devises co-play with me.  That started with the outdoor-lamp some 7-8 years ago – then the cellphone and its alarm and its clock ( recently its time showed 1.5 hours in my future – meaning “ I am living in my future, not here, now.”

So true. It brought me right bake to HERE

Yesterday, my electrical toothbrush started acting up. It started and stopped without my pushing the button.What is that about, Blue? “YOU decide when to turn on and turn off. Be IN the action.” Oh of course! Thank you.

Then I got an idea to go to the food-store and to listen to a podcast in my mp3. I can’t find the mp3. Searching, irritated, scared . When I pass the bathroom there is a loud crash. I open the door – the electrical tooth-brush WITH its pretty heavy holder has jumped off the cupboard it stands upon and landed in the middle of the floor.

When I stop and breathe, I know I forgot to choose consciously – I now feel a clear difference energetically between deciding “I will go the food-store and listen to the mp3” and TRULY putting my will  and Presence behind that decision.

Everything around me is concerting in putting me in the right place of decision.

Intention  commitment decision consistency persistence devotion…

Devotion I have for sure. Now consistency and congruence in practice is adamant.

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

Teaching Love

In lesson 8, Way of Knowing, Jeshua asks us just for one month to commit to teaching Love – meaning choosing love as our only alternative for reacting/responding.

I was on my way home from the mall, it was 32 degrees Celsius, I felt grumpy and depressed, my bike had lost its air in the tyre.

A tall man in a ceremonial long dress and hat walked crossed my way. Automatically angry thoughts of “men who hate women” arose – I noticed them and remembered the commitment – “let me see him with Love.” In the same second I heard that decision inside, he looked at me, smiled radiantly and put his hand on his heart.

 

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

Sore Thumb

This morning I am musing over what I have called “ The False Helper” inside – that part of us who finds her worth through helping others. Nothing wrong in helping – but the premise is false: our worth is given us by God, and only we can remove it by believing our scary thoughts.

Yesterday at bed time, it felt like my right thumb just crumbled and broke. I “saw” inside that the bones were in bits, and terror started its course: “you should have taken the Osteoporosis medicine! This is all your stupid fault! “ Instead of directly going to the Source by being still and breathing and asking for help to see this as Christ does, I agonized. Cause something in me thinks “this is me.” That something is addicted to the “me” that suffers. And so what cleared up this confusion this time was the reminder “ this is A PART OF ME” that thinks and feels it is broken, unrepairable, hopeless – and I am the observer of that part, I can be with it, find where it sits in the body, how old it is, talk to it: “ I see you, I am here to support you, I am not going anywhere…What are you here to tell me, to show me? Where are you in my body? What do you express through having that symptom? What do you need?

That part has feelings that has been denied and repress, maybe even dissociated. When it can speak and express, and we listen with deep compassion, it heals. There are no shoulds and oughtos from the Observer -us – who might feel like a wise Fairy Godmother. “ OF COURSE you would feel like that. Of course you would hate that person. Of course you could not say anything at that time when it happened – that would not have been safe. Is that true?” And we just listen and listen, it is a PART of us that speaks, she has been made up by our beliefs and our family’s beliefs  and our cultures beliefs about what is important and necessary.

But this bundle of thoughts and beliefs still stick with us until we turn around and embrace it.

I have a million of parts. It does not really matter what they have been doing, the soul has wanted experience. It has learned through us what the consequences are. Now it has learned and can choose again. But first I must listen to those parts with love, dialogue with them. And as an artist, my favorite way of doing that is to create images of the feelings and allow stories to come – so there need not be so much “figuring out” to do.

Back to the sore thumb -Jeshua tells me in this month’s lesson in Way of Knowing that the very tough situation/feeling we think we are in, can be the very stepping stone into Love: I now see the consequences of choosing separation and I can choose again.  “ OH” How great! I see the sore thumb as a metaphor of the thought “ I am broken!” There is a part of me who thinks she is broken, and she is fusing with me, identifying with me – I ask her gently to de-fuse so I can see her clearly. Then I can listen and support her in whatever she is feeling, letting her know that those feelings were the exact feelings to feel in that situation – hate, fear, rage. Whatever – of COURSE you would feel like that. What would you have needed most in that situation? Could you express that?” and so on.

And for the thousandth time, I see how that PART of me created a safe identity for herself – by paying attention to others’ needs instead of her own, which she stuffed away. Huge love for that part. Of course she did that – what a great way to survive in that family.

I watch her stomping and raging and screaming right now, and I encourage her to do just that. She calms down after a while, and can now sense the Love around her. Which is the Love and safety that is always there , under all my judgment.

With the thumb here, I realize that that time this part/child felt crushed and broken and fragmented, she thought she was without help from God, and she thought she was guilty and deserved it, and therefore she was wrong and hateful. Seeing these thoughts now can be the very stepping-stones to turning it around: Oh I love that this thumb seems broken – without it, I would not have seen where it comes from in my mind! This is amazing! I appreciate you, thumb, I can love that “broken part” with all my heart, and I can DECIDE to ask for help now to see all of this differently – thank you Spirit for setting this up.I will decide what I will perceive. –And then Jeshua writes: “ Appreciation and Love and limitlessness require the Universe ( including our bodymind) to show up in a different way.”

Yes please! Send it right over

So exactly THAT which I want to avoid –  emotions, terror, pain, problems –  is with Jeshua THAT place where I now can choose Love instead.

The thumb is a bit sore, but inside it looks whole and healthy. Great healthy bones.

Goodbye to efforting ( I intend :))

Crystal clear signs the last week – stop searching for enlightenment – it is HERE.

Recent wise words from Jeshua– about allowing it all – I seem to get it at a deeper level. No efforting, no searching, just Truth being Truth always – and the outside life mirrors the inside one  instantly.

Last night I was searching in my bed for my sleeping mask – lights on, truly searching. No sleeping mask. Letting the thought of needing it go – instantly left hand finding it in the darkness.

Later yesterday, I dropped something on my left foot and it hurt, and I started to cry loudly, allowing myself the release of making noise. “ I need help” I knew, and I gave myself a hug.

Instantly my doorbell rang. I peeked out the window, it is my daughter – what? here? And how worried she looks-

Then I wiped my eyes and it is my neighbor, who these days is moving to another place. She and I felt an instant bond, like mother and daughter. Now she is visiting her old house to pack the last stuff. She says “ Do you need help? I heard you crying when I went by.”

And so I told her I needed a hug, and I got one

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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