And here is

I took a walk, and noticed

and went home and wrote  it down


Here is    breathing

and here is an enigma: in the middle of the green field, there is a deep imprint of a big wheel. Inside the imprint, small pieces of dry brittle straw and whittled leaves, while the grass around it is fresh April green. A one-wheel Big Foot.

and here is a young father and two children – red shirt, green shirt, black shirt – baseball batting practicing

and here is a young tree newly planted – inside a shining new olive-green plastic sack. Label: “TREEGATOR: water like a pro. Fill the sack with water and walk away.”  I have no water.I walk away

and here is a small area of the field that has been ravaged by tractors: wet red soil, like the torn belly of a slaughtered whale, having fought and trashed for its life

and here is a shiny white piece of an ice-cream cone wrapping paper

and here are three lads on bikes, 8-9 years old, with helmets in silver, red and blue, crossing each others’ tracks as they weave a playful pattern in the green field, their voices like crisp bird cries

and here is a swarm of tiny insects flying in certain patterns in a confined space, weaving it together, following  a secret blueprint

and here is the delicate crispy sound of my new red shoes on the new gravel path across the old field

and here are two big boulders framing the path, preventing cars driving here – and two much smaller stones between them, easy to lift away

and here is a rotten rest of a tree root. The fibers already falling apart, inviting Forget-me-nots to put down new roots

and here is a forgotten lid to a paint box from last summer. Half of it covered with faded white dandelions and dead  brown leaves. A tiny shiny spot of orange shines through the shiny black-brown paint

and here is ONE open yellow lily in an ocean of buds. Its stamen points away from the sun

and here is breathing

The Space where I Am

Many years ago, in a session with a student, I found myself speaking about “God being in the spaces  between everything.” It resonated strongly for both of us – and recently, about 25 years later, John Mark Stroud lead a webinar where he led us into this incredibly simple and clear journey from body mind-identification, to fully dissolving our self into this Space.

We were invited to sense into this Space. Within a minute, it was clear that it had always been here –  had no end or borders – was completely loving, allowing and embracing of everything. Timeless, deathless.

And one could lean back and rest profoundly in it – and at the same time be aware of the turmoil and pain in the world.

We were asked to train in going from body-awareness and out into this Space/Self – and back again, to truly experiencing the different states of mind

And after just a few minutes it was clear how we all, as “bodies” have exactly that selfsame space inside up – just think about the spaces within each atom: it looks like a Universe.

The bliss that came from that

oh –

Now – where do I choose to rest my awareness?

I am practicing 🙂

There is no pain – or: pain is subjective

No subject – no labels – no pain!

At least: that is my experience

When i woke with the usual raging pains, a thought arose: what if this isn’t really painful – what if you are just telling yourself it is…

I remembered lesson 193 in A Course in Miracles:

All things are lessons God would have me learn.

It says:

Forgive, and you will see this differently.

I sent awareness into the “pain” – was it really “painful” or was that just a label I had given it?

It was just sensations

Nothing else

Anything else would be labels that connected “me” to it, making a story about that “me”

Right now, what is happening in the body is what feels like huge energy movements – but “huge” is a label too,let me remove that –

and voila-

what is here is movement of energy

removing the label “heavy headache”

hmm – interesting

I truly see this differently

I must have been willing to forgive 🙂


The Sun is the center

Sharing with Kit

“It seems that humans want to hold on to things that solidifies…when we make rules and hold on to concepts, we solidify things that really are alive – and that creates problems. I am thinking about the cement-mixer you talked about at the art-exhibition – somebody had drilled a zillion tiny holes in it and then embroidered stars outside of it – and seen from inside, putting our head in, it looks like the stars were outside, shining in to us through the star-holes-patterns…it is so easy to believe what the physical eyes tell us – it seems so solid – and necessary to be occupied with – just like the extra equipment for a car.Our rationality is like all the extra shiny gadgets and stash – it does not make the car run any better at all – but we often love to focus on the extra stuff – even though it plays no role for the motor . It’s like the old world view before Copernicus – that the earth was the center of our world –

The sun is the center, and all revolves around it

A problem with the car cannot be fixed where it is not: in the extras

As Einstein said, ” We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”

Thinking about and talking about everything in therapy may not be the important for healing -BEING WITH what happens in the body is vital- and then suddenly sensing, HERE – HERE is something vital to look at and be with. It comes as a surprise – not planned and all – it just presents itself when we pay attention to THIS moment. A surrender of one self’s control – a vigilance

And then something real can happen


Poop on the window and in the mind

When I walked into the kitchen today, there was a big human poop glued to my window, with toiletpaper hanging down from it.
January 1 2013 somebody threw a big stone through my entrance door. Much healing and insight came from that – and it feels like this is second chapter, one level deeper: what does this mirror inside me?
A deep deep feeling of unworthiness – I am only a shit –  Jesus tells me that the reason it comes to me from outside is that I have judged this feeling from inside, and therefore made it real.
I am currently following Jeshua’ channellings to Jayem – ” Way of Mastery” – you can find them here, on John Mark Stroud’s website where he, after an agreement with Jeshua/Jayem, help people deepen their experience with what Jesus says. I am using his forgiveness-instructions – and for the first time it FLOWS, it is easy.

So in this case with the poop-thrower, it was easy to sit down and do this exercise (I wrote it down myself when listening to the audio:)

“Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Please replace “critical” with self-hating

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:

“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth.

Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”
So he is just “me” – the Son who has forgiven his true Origin and believed he must be punished.
It is not serious:)
Oh yes,, that is something else John Mark has suggested which has been tremendously effective for me: Place an imaginary red clown nose on everyone you see.

It is simply impossible to avoid seeing that this is a dream

Judgments falling

My very root-lesson – to meet insane hateful mental/energetic attacks from men (and expect it from some of them whose energy I recognize immediately ) – is presented to me yet again. The Course tell me that every lesson that I have not mastered are presented to me until I DO see through them and master them. This is such an opportunity.

This morning I thought about Pete – a guy that last year changed from Dr.Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in mail-conversation with me  – and immediately felt the agony-energy field connected to my identification of it. “I” felt horrible. Asking Blue about it, I heard: “ Let go of the false identity-hook.”

So what I realize, is that I immediately recognize “Now the guy is in his hatred again – identifying with it.” And as soon as I mix “me” into this by reacting to it, I am caught in  my story – “a false identity-hook.” And if I now – if Pete will react this way in our correspondence again – can just recognize when he is caught in his pattern – and just allow him to be there, without trying to fix it at all – just embracing him in my mind – that might be “the lesson learned.” In that acceptance is included that  I recognize that there is no little Leelah who is being attacked – it is not little Leelah who is doing the embracing.

Before, little Leelah did the embracing – and that has attributed to the pain.

When I child believes in any way that she is responsible to save/help her parents, MORE pain is created. The child does it from love – and cannot know that its “sacrifice” leads to more suffering. It creates more suffering for itself by believing that it can “help” the parent in pain. This is “blind love”.

And I see clearly now that it is not the “false-identity-love”  that can embrace the father – it is Presence. And Presence is not there, in the child’s perception of the original trauma-situation.

But I can have that now

So if/when Pete attacks again – I may just embrace him/the situation/me in the heart, and not at all try to get him to understand.

The energy-hook is here – but it does not mean that my past is here and little Leelah is here – and it does not mean that I have failed to heal it – this completely obnoxious energy is here, and I am NOT THAT. That it repeats itself with some men, does not mean that I haven’t healed it! These situations will occur in this dimension – identification with stories happen, projections happen. That does NOT negate all the great work that I have done – and I are not  a failure for feeling the way I feel. The fruit of my work is precisely to SEE this. “AH! Good work, since I see this: I can notice what happens, I can sort out, I can distinguish what is stories and trappedness while it happens. And meet it with embrace 🙂


And the fun of catching when I feel really confused and trapped – to overdo it and roll around in it and have fun with it: Oh I don’t understand a shit!!!

And all that has changed in the process is simply this: there are no judgments present for the energy, for myself, for the other. Just awareness and the knowing that the only thing that is real is the knowledge that we both are as God created us – pure light


How crystal clear this is now: the ridiculousness that the view of life, the perceptions of the story-I, should be taken seriously.

I see how I have allowed a little tortured child to be the authority  on how life and other people are to be perceived. Oh,the spell of being inside such a story, of identifying with it. There are waves of sickness and strong pains welling up now, and “I” can be with them kindly, just letting them be, and more important – allowing my Christed Self – the Self of us all – to deal with it.

It is not taken seriously, not taken personally.

I see how thwarted those story-perceptions are, how they are made from looking through distorted lenses – how this is surely “her” world – and as I am writing now, there is not even a “her” to find anywhere – just seamless sensations, sounds and images shifting within this moment.

Knowing this, life is simple: no identification, just awareness, resting in it. There is acute awareness of all of “Leelah’s” emotional quirks, and a complete allowance of letting them pass through this infinite awareness-space that embraces all.

The second all Leelah’s resistance is encountered – as sickness,pains etc – and is received in gratitude of this harmonization, they stop being nuisances.


I am now the proud owner of your book, I purchased it right before writing this note to you, and you know what, it feels like a “big” thing for me. If I ever needed further proof, that knowing something intellectually, and experiencing it are two vastly different states of being, then I should remember how I felt intellectually when I thought of buying your book, and how I feel now.

Reading through some initial parts of it briefly, I felt like something had shifted within me. I am not able to give it a name, but resistance is some part of it too. Like my subconscious mind knows there is healing available for me through your writing, but I want to ignore it, so I can stay the George that I am.

Luckily,, my other part of my mind knows that it is time to move further along, to turn a notch in the journey without distance to the center of my heart, and so, I am grateful for the gift of being able to buy your book today.



Entrance to magic experience

2 Entrance through gateYesterday I had an enchanting experience. I took a lot of photos You will find them all on my Flickr-site when I have uploaded them there. This is just the entrance through the gate – and a video I took of moving water and still stones

And – as new physics tells us – the awareness of what we observe influence what we observe: this perfect shining yellow leaf landed  right in my video-view as i was standing there, intensely present and enjoying.

The experience that followed…I discovered a  collection of modern art, placed and made there, in the wood. It feel like  being an archaeologist at an excavated burial place of a surrealistic village: strange totems were tied to trees – with Police-tape! ( which became a great part of the art)  On some places had the art collapsed and was almost covered by leaves and fir needles.

Odd objects had been carried into this place: heavy wooden benches – two public garbagecans, (empty – used to paint on) –  a bright new and red soccergoal -!and on the forest-floor, the artists’ tools,well used: empty spray cans

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)


Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.


As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.


Allowing and including joy and praise

Ahh the joys and and griefs of self publishing…

Joys when somebody buy this paperback and I GET REVIEWS♥♥♥

and then the griefs when the electronic Kindle versions are corrupted and I un-publish them, and they are still there to be bought- in my name – oo, SO unpleasant –

But I am noticing a very interesting thing:

I have been in a vicious circle which I now see how I have made. Which is a good thing to see!

The mechanism is very simple: looking at errors and accepting them as real make it so. I have looked at everything seemly going wrong with the books – editing, corruptions in the ebook-process -endless misunderstandings – and reacting at these faults and glitches  has made more and more of them: I am a Course student, and the Course really hammers this in that what we put our belief in, becomes real for us.

Concentrating on errors make more errors.And in my case, it has made me identify -again and again -with the childhood-girl in fear and pain

I talked to Kit today and described the feeling of deep frustration and depression about all the seeming obstacles to the books being published – and Kit helped me see that what was missing here, was my own support for myself, and the joy I felt I have put into them. She made me see this by insisting of giving time for herself to really sense the joy she felt when I talked about the books and the work.

I sat there and just felt my nervous system calm down and starting to glow in joy. I had not given space to this before – just for short glimpses. Now I sat and let it envelope me – the feeling of having done a great work, and how grateful I am for myself really hanging in there for 22 years in spite of the troubles and darkness that followed the process.

It is not the scared child-identity who needs to be involved in this books and “get them published”: I have done that, in spite of  the fear and the scares.

I am going to rest in this true I today.

And allowing myself to print here the 2 reviews and Kit’s comment to “When fear comes home to Love” on its forum-site for writers.

The little Leelah squirms and sweats now and tells me that this is very very bad to do – showing off like this –

and I smile to her, knowing it is just an old belief she has held on to –

and here are the 2 reviews, which made me cry –

and then Kit’s

“Please please you don’t have to read them” little Leelah cries now, and I tell her “the readers of the blog know this, sweetie, they do it only if they want to – they can choose –

and little Leelah goes blank: choose? what is that?


I am going to explain that to her now –

and here are the reviews then:

This review is from: Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities (Paperback)

5.0 out of 5 stars An Amazing Little Book, July 3, 2013

Due to its unusual title, I began this little book not really knowing what to expect. What I found is exactly what the title claims.

108 highly unusual methods, any of which could be practiced at home, with no outside assistance, to aid us in difficult times,and enrich us at other times.
Exercise One is simply called LOVE: “It is not what happens to us that decides your state of being–but how we respond to it, and ourselves. When we truly master this one, we are home.”
This book is packed full of marvelous, beautiful, almost magical wisdom. I highly recommend it

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful (me LOL)

5.0 out of 5 stars PRACTICAL, SPIRITUAL, HONEST, AND DO-ABLE, July 1, 2013
This review is from: Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities (Paperback)

I just recommended this book to a client. Unlike any book I’ve seen, it contains a series of practical and do-able -even potentially fun – modes of accessing our Selves with an eye to healing. So often suggestions for self-help exercises seem too complicated or time-demanding to fit into our daily lives. Not so with these, with possibilities including the use of photography, enjoying nature, verbalizing — as in creative journaling — dance — body movement, and more.

As I read these, I knew they would have helped me back in the days of my own therapy when I could hardly avoid moving into myself when I wasn’t busy doing my daily work, and even sometimes as I was working. What’s clear is that each of these 108 Proposals has been helpful to the author herself.

I’m looking forward to hearing stories from my own clients about ways this book has helped.


Kit wrote:

Dear Leelah,

Your book is a most precious gift to me as a reader!

What an adventure into the dark corners of us humans – and the wonderful thing is that by you seeing the needs behind your own and other peoples painful feelings and destructive behaviors – you are actually able to set yourself free – and I as a reader join the ride by melting into a very loving and forgiving place in myself! So I actually get at taste of freedom, too – that is what I call a powerful read!!! I LOVE books that touches me deeply and in a transformative way, like your book does to me. That is actually the kind of books I am searching for – and I find them quite rare!

And another thing – even though your book covers very painful issues of abuse etc – it is sprinkled with so much humor, playfulness and curiosity, that the heaviness evaporates into something light and peaceful, filled with insights and love.

I love the way you use stories from real life – either your own or case studies from your clients – it makes it so convincing. I find it so much more interesting to read about somebody that have been struggling with existential issues in life and found a way to handle them – than books only telling me in a normative way how I “should live my life”.

I actually think that your book is a wonderful answer to the so-called “problem of evil” in the world – through your story you show in a truthful, wise and loving way that there is actually no evil person, just a lot of very destructive behavior, covering up for a persons deepest fears! I love this way of seeing the world 🙂

On my iPhone, I write down quotes which inspire me – and I keep reading them again and again as a way of reminding me of what I value in life. And your book has been a wonderful source for such quotes – here are a few of them:

“All addicts are pieces of God, forgetting Who they are. Look upon them with this knowing, and you look upon you.”

“In our everyday life, we experience that what we avoid doing something with, certainly does something to us, and pursue us – until we stop, turn around and bless it.”

“We are the very arena where the primal forces of life and death meet and dance – and as the Divine sparks we are, we have the freedom to play with it.”

“What determines your experience is where you place your belief.”

“What if we see perpetrators not as being evil – but as being trapped and captured by their own denial and ignorance – which breed evil.”

“When we want to bring the characters in The Sacred Tree of Horrors out of their trappedness and their deadly blind repetition, we play with it and invite it into the clear room of nonjudgemental awareness. In Expressive Arts Therapy, there are myriads of ways to play with this. And what a relief: we don’t have to figure things out with our mind – but letting it reveal itself to s and surprise us!”

“Inner demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. […] We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.”



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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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