Metal and Grief

Hi all – I have been in a state of energetic hold lately that is simply hellish. After many hours I remembered  to open my own book at the night table – When Fear Comes Home to Love( see right column) and found the answer – which for the thousandth time or more tells me that it is not the emotions/feelings/pain/energy  that is the problem – it is the way I identify with /relate  to all of it.  The words in italics come from Blue, my inner guide.


This is not YOURS – it is mind stuff. It is a force field generated by the collective unconscious. Within this force-field is your denied protest and forbidden anger from your childhood and youth – completely cut off from your awareness. Please note that you carry insane anger from your father and your other tormentors too. Your denial of the energy – “this does not happen” – demonizes it and attracts negative entities and thought-forms. This is nothing special about you: all humans unwittingly add to the demonic fields by judging and repressing their negative feelings, instead of just feeling them. Just start to notice the sensation of “me” and “my” in connection to feelings: this structure, this identifying with the “someone” you think you are – the ego – creates the darkness .The ego thrives on this. Just notice the energy of the anger now, without telling yourself it is YOURS – just forgive all that drama. You don’t have to DO anything – just notice it as it is in the body: ”ah – anger “– and see “the demonic” fall away like dirty old snow. It will have nothing to stick to any longer, as soon as you give up identification with it

After reading this, I was led to Eden Energy Medicine website – a group where we can share what needs to be healed/transformed and helped by Eden Practitioners. There were two videos there that helped me move out of that horrible vortex of hopelessness, and so I wanted to share it with my readers.

here is Prune Harris:

and here is Melanie Smith:

Much love!


There is an armour around my heart and lungs – experienced consciously for at least 30 years. Physically, I have sensed it as a steel band, or a coat of cement – x-rays show it as a dark mass – malignant, say doctors, but not so malignant that they have to operate it out

I recently bought the book ” It did not start with you” by Mark Wolynn, and on this welcome-page he has several short videos. I looked at nr 8 – “She pulled out her hair.” In 6 minutes he gives us the very essence of healing;

the breath – the holding – and the awareness.

When I held my heart/lung area, I sensed the huge longing to be held – without being “comforted away” from the feeling, not being fixed – just held and loved WITH the longing.

My mother passes over years ago, but the last days I have been able to sit with her and communicate – and today I gave her back all the guilt I have held for her – that she again had held for others. I breathed it back to her, and left was just this immense longing to be HELD without expectations of ANY kind – just held like I was, feeling what I was. Not fixed.

That longing – it is in us all, I believe. To be witnessed as that, held as that, embraced with that


Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share






And here is

I took a walk, and noticed

and went home and wrote  it down


Here is    breathing

and here is an enigma: in the middle of the green field, there is a deep imprint of a big wheel. Inside the imprint, small pieces of dry brittle straw and whittled leaves, while the grass around it is fresh April green. A one-wheel Big Foot.

and here is a young father and two children – red shirt, green shirt, black shirt – baseball batting practicing

and here is a young tree newly planted – inside a shining new olive-green plastic sack. Label: “TREEGATOR: water like a pro. Fill the sack with water and walk away.”  I have no water.I walk away

and here is a small area of the field that has been ravaged by tractors: wet red soil, like the torn belly of a slaughtered whale, having fought and trashed for its life

and here is a shiny white piece of an ice-cream cone wrapping paper

and here are three lads on bikes, 8-9 years old, with helmets in silver, red and blue, crossing each others’ tracks as they weave a playful pattern in the green field, their voices like crisp bird cries

and here is a swarm of tiny insects flying in certain patterns in a confined space, weaving it together, following  a secret blueprint

and here is the delicate crispy sound of my new red shoes on the new gravel path across the old field

and here are two big boulders framing the path, preventing cars driving here – and two much smaller stones between them, easy to lift away

and here is a rotten rest of a tree root. The fibers already falling apart, inviting Forget-me-nots to put down new roots

and here is a forgotten lid to a paint box from last summer. Half of it covered with faded white dandelions and dead  brown leaves. A tiny shiny spot of orange shines through the shiny black-brown paint

and here is ONE open yellow lily in an ocean of buds. Its stamen points away from the sun

and here is breathing

The Space where I Am

Many years ago, in a session with a student, I found myself speaking about “God being in the spaces  between everything.” It resonated strongly for both of us – and recently, about 25 years later, John Mark Stroud lead a webinar where he led us into this incredibly simple and clear journey from body mind-identification, to fully dissolving our self into this Space.

We were invited to sense into this Space. Within a minute, it was clear that it had always been here –  had no end or borders – was completely loving, allowing and embracing of everything. Timeless, deathless.

And one could lean back and rest profoundly in it – and at the same time be aware of the turmoil and pain in the world.

We were asked to train in going from body-awareness and out into this Space/Self – and back again, to truly experiencing the different states of mind

And after just a few minutes it was clear how we all, as “bodies” have exactly that selfsame space inside up – just think about the spaces within each atom: it looks like a Universe.

The bliss that came from that

oh –

Now – where do I choose to rest my awareness?

I am practicing 🙂

There is no pain – or: pain is subjective

No subject – no labels – no pain!

At least: that is my experience

When i woke with the usual raging pains, a thought arose: what if this isn’t really painful – what if you are just telling yourself it is…

I remembered lesson 193 in A Course in Miracles:

All things are lessons God would have me learn.

It says:

Forgive, and you will see this differently.

I sent awareness into the “pain” – was it really “painful” or was that just a label I had given it?

It was just sensations

Nothing else

Anything else would be labels that connected “me” to it, making a story about that “me”

Right now, what is happening in the body is what feels like huge energy movements – but “huge” is a label too,let me remove that –

and voila-

what is here is movement of energy

removing the label “heavy headache”

hmm – interesting

I truly see this differently

I must have been willing to forgive 🙂


The Sun is the center

Sharing with Kit

“It seems that humans want to hold on to things that solidifies…when we make rules and hold on to concepts, we solidify things that really are alive – and that creates problems. I am thinking about the cement-mixer you talked about at the art-exhibition – somebody had drilled a zillion tiny holes in it and then embroidered stars outside of it – and seen from inside, putting our head in, it looks like the stars were outside, shining in to us through the star-holes-patterns…it is so easy to believe what the physical eyes tell us – it seems so solid – and necessary to be occupied with – just like the extra equipment for a car.Our rationality is like all the extra shiny gadgets and stash – it does not make the car run any better at all – but we often love to focus on the extra stuff – even though it plays no role for the motor . It’s like the old world view before Copernicus – that the earth was the center of our world –

The sun is the center, and all revolves around it

A problem with the car cannot be fixed where it is not: in the extras

As Einstein said, ” We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”

Thinking about and talking about everything in therapy may not be the important for healing -BEING WITH what happens in the body is vital- and then suddenly sensing, HERE – HERE is something vital to look at and be with. It comes as a surprise – not planned and all – it just presents itself when we pay attention to THIS moment. A surrender of one self’s control – a vigilance

And then something real can happen


Poop on the window and in the mind

When I walked into the kitchen today, there was a big human poop glued to my window, with toiletpaper hanging down from it.
January 1 2013 somebody threw a big stone through my entrance door. Much healing and insight came from that – and it feels like this is second chapter, one level deeper: what does this mirror inside me?
A deep deep feeling of unworthiness – I am only a shit –  Jesus tells me that the reason it comes to me from outside is that I have judged this feeling from inside, and therefore made it real.
I am currently following Jeshua’ channellings to Jayem – ” Way of Mastery” – you can find them here, on John Mark Stroud’s website where he, after an agreement with Jeshua/Jayem, help people deepen their experience with what Jesus says. I am using his forgiveness-instructions – and for the first time it FLOWS, it is easy.

So in this case with the poop-thrower, it was easy to sit down and do this exercise (I wrote it down myself when listening to the audio:)

“Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Please replace “critical” with self-hating

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:

“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth.

Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”
So he is just “me” – the Son who has forgiven his true Origin and believed he must be punished.
It is not serious:)
Oh yes,, that is something else John Mark has suggested which has been tremendously effective for me: Place an imaginary red clown nose on everyone you see.

It is simply impossible to avoid seeing that this is a dream

Judgments falling

My very root-lesson – to meet insane hateful mental/energetic attacks from men (and expect it from some of them whose energy I recognize immediately ) – is presented to me yet again. The Course tell me that every lesson that I have not mastered are presented to me until I DO see through them and master them. This is such an opportunity.

This morning I thought about Pete – a guy that last year changed from Dr.Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in mail-conversation with me  – and immediately felt the agony-energy field connected to my identification of it. “I” felt horrible. Asking Blue about it, I heard: “ Let go of the false identity-hook.”

So what I realize, is that I immediately recognize “Now the guy is in his hatred again – identifying with it.” And as soon as I mix “me” into this by reacting to it, I am caught in  my story – “a false identity-hook.” And if I now – if Pete will react this way in our correspondence again – can just recognize when he is caught in his pattern – and just allow him to be there, without trying to fix it at all – just embracing him in my mind – that might be “the lesson learned.” In that acceptance is included that  I recognize that there is no little Leelah who is being attacked – it is not little Leelah who is doing the embracing.

Before, little Leelah did the embracing – and that has attributed to the pain.

When I child believes in any way that she is responsible to save/help her parents, MORE pain is created. The child does it from love – and cannot know that its “sacrifice” leads to more suffering. It creates more suffering for itself by believing that it can “help” the parent in pain. This is “blind love”.

And I see clearly now that it is not the “false-identity-love”  that can embrace the father – it is Presence. And Presence is not there, in the child’s perception of the original trauma-situation.

But I can have that now

So if/when Pete attacks again – I may just embrace him/the situation/me in the heart, and not at all try to get him to understand.

The energy-hook is here – but it does not mean that my past is here and little Leelah is here – and it does not mean that I have failed to heal it – this completely obnoxious energy is here, and I am NOT THAT. That it repeats itself with some men, does not mean that I haven’t healed it! These situations will occur in this dimension – identification with stories happen, projections happen. That does NOT negate all the great work that I have done – and I are not  a failure for feeling the way I feel. The fruit of my work is precisely to SEE this. “AH! Good work, since I see this: I can notice what happens, I can sort out, I can distinguish what is stories and trappedness while it happens. And meet it with embrace 🙂


And the fun of catching when I feel really confused and trapped – to overdo it and roll around in it and have fun with it: Oh I don’t understand a shit!!!

And all that has changed in the process is simply this: there are no judgments present for the energy, for myself, for the other. Just awareness and the knowing that the only thing that is real is the knowledge that we both are as God created us – pure light


How crystal clear this is now: the ridiculousness that the view of life, the perceptions of the story-I, should be taken seriously.

I see how I have allowed a little tortured child to be the authority  on how life and other people are to be perceived. Oh,the spell of being inside such a story, of identifying with it. There are waves of sickness and strong pains welling up now, and “I” can be with them kindly, just letting them be, and more important – allowing my Christed Self – the Self of us all – to deal with it.

It is not taken seriously, not taken personally.

I see how thwarted those story-perceptions are, how they are made from looking through distorted lenses – how this is surely “her” world – and as I am writing now, there is not even a “her” to find anywhere – just seamless sensations, sounds and images shifting within this moment.

Knowing this, life is simple: no identification, just awareness, resting in it. There is acute awareness of all of “Leelah’s” emotional quirks, and a complete allowance of letting them pass through this infinite awareness-space that embraces all.

The second all Leelah’s resistance is encountered – as sickness,pains etc – and is received in gratitude of this harmonization, they stop being nuisances.


I am now the proud owner of your book, I purchased it right before writing this note to you, and you know what, it feels like a “big” thing for me. If I ever needed further proof, that knowing something intellectually, and experiencing it are two vastly different states of being, then I should remember how I felt intellectually when I thought of buying your book, and how I feel now.

Reading through some initial parts of it briefly, I felt like something had shifted within me. I am not able to give it a name, but resistance is some part of it too. Like my subconscious mind knows there is healing available for me through your writing, but I want to ignore it, so I can stay the George that I am.

Luckily,, my other part of my mind knows that it is time to move further along, to turn a notch in the journey without distance to the center of my heart, and so, I am grateful for the gift of being able to buy your book today.



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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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