I am as God created me – says A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery. And how is that? Pure Love – all powerful. Not the small Leelah-identity – the Holy Self that I am, that we all are in our essence. The Buddha Nature. The Atman. The Christ.
I have some months now experienced a kind of “drying out” – it seems my kidneys have been in trouble. What I have done, is practicing knowing that 1) I have created this/ my soul has chosen to experience it all/ – and so I don’t want this any longer, I want LOVE – I Choose Love.
It has felt like something huge saying NO with bushy eyebrows -and so I asked inner guidance for help, and was sent to Paige Apgar
I wanted to have cords removed – energy strands that connect us energetically to people in a draining way – but the Universe wanted something else, and through the session she was shown 7 different incarnations and chakras that still was carrying some of the brunt from disasters and violence.
I felt the energy move and there were wonderful releases – so I thought the effect would be deeply felt afterwards. But there was seemingly no effect at all!
Then – 24 hours later, at the start of the latest night, I was repeating the ” I choose LOVE” – and the effect was, for the first time, profound
I believe that what Paige and her divine helpers did, was removing frozen trauma from my soul. Some of it several thousand years old. No problem for Divinity, who knows that time is a construct who allows us to play a myriad of different circumstances in a myriad of lifetimes – and the Self, Who knows that it really happens only NOW
Thank you my radiant joyful Self Who always connect me with precisely the people/ happenings I need to fully wake up – in perfect timing.
Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊 And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object. I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.” And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story: you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)
I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it! LOL
And this insight-angel embraced me:
Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.
And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back
Womb meaning a place of gestation – not yet living one’s life- but preparing for it. In my way of looking at it, you also swim in the mind of your mother – and all the ancestors, I’d say.
I am in awe of the beauty and rationality of the path I have chosen – or the path choosing me. The last month or so my throat has become gradually sorer and more constricted, and this morning I took it seriously: this is an energy/creation coming up for healing.
As soon as I sat down for it, deep crying came, it felt wonderful. The inner crying part told me it was terrified of SPEAKING OUT – being heard – “having a voice” – as NOT having one was in childhood a must for keeping silent, keeping the family secret.
As soon as the part felt and sensed that I now allowed it and listened, I could separate out “my creation” as Jeshua calls it. A creation is what the Son of God = US ALL – create when something “bad” happens and we judge it. The energy contracts, and there is a magnetism around it now – and as soon as we judge it, we have told ourselves it has something to do with US. And since we have chosen to believe it, it HAS – says Jeshua- that is the power of our decision.
He then teaches us – in A Course in Miracles and in his Way of Mastery- trilogy – how to forgive our creations and allow them to be dissolved in the Light of Christ – which is our birth right. Just like the Buddha field is for Buddhists – the Atman is for Hindus – etc.
So I did the forgiveness process, and there were deep waves of release and gratefulness as I went through it. The “chronic” pain and soreness in the chest and throat is abating.
And funnily – something in my left ear is clearing up too – it had not been willing to HEAR this before, and now it has.
And here is a strange thing:
In my twenties, I started to have a feeling / knowing I was actually two persons – there was another physical “me” out there – a body.
I sang in a big choir from I was 16 to 23 or so- when I lost my soprano from one day to another. I sang first soprano and stood in the first row of singers, and my conductor stood on the podium 3 meter away from me. So he knew my face very well – wouldn’t you agree? And one rehearsal he took me apart after rehearsal and chastised me: “ I saw you this night down by the docks, in a horrible state of mind hanging between two drunk sailors.”
Well – that was quite a shock – since I was sleeping in my bed and never out in town at all. Others tell me they have seen me other places too.
Now, as I have studied creation for the last 40 years, I believe there are parallel dimensions – and I believe that this other “me” that Oscar Raum saw, could actually be me in this parallel dimension.
From one day to the next I lost my singing voice and had to leave my beautiful grand choir. Devastated – but something inside relaxed, knowing that she did not have to press through tensions to be a first soprano anymore.
So now I spoke to that duplicate, and felt release and even deeper crying – and then I saw that what I had subjected to abuse was my true VOICE – I had cramped it and judged it and squeezed it into contraction, rejecting it.
And OH how I want to have the fullness of it back now – without any more cramps and abuse.
We’ll see 🙂
Below is the FREE VOICE of the Heart we all share. And all the imprisoned ones remember the Voice and listens.
And here is a video with PURE VOICE – no talk – can anything more beautiful than this exist?
When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me for quite some years, and it was forbidden – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.
There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –
For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.
I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.
And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊 to BE with that girl from the past.
I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.
This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency – and the entities and beings there were hell-like. So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.
Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.
They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.
And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* : I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.
And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.
Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.
So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.
Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”
And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left
My friend Leni Dubel ( you find her at Facebook ) had a near-death experience when she was younger, and in that numinous space she was contacted by guides and helpers who shared methods for dealing with our shadow in any way – including illness/corona
With her permission, I want to share her method here:
I have seen incredible changes in my own life by welcoming and loving each issue that happens. Surrender is also extremely powerful when it comes to being in control of the issues and no longer attracting them. Remember, your soul has its own agenda. Your reaction to these issues fuels your soul’s learning experience. When you are no longer reacting negatively to the issues, the learning stops for your soul and it does not need to continue with that particular issue anymore.
To welcome and love the issue without defending against it you: 1. Pretend that you are holding a sword and shield and then set them down.2. Welcome the issue as if it were a person, into your home or imagined sacred meeting space. 3. Take a second to love and then thank the issue. To surrender the issue you simply pretend that the issue is a present and give it to your Guides, the Universe or whomever you pray to. And then surrender all of the worry to it as well. You are not allowed to think about it after this. You can do this as often as you’d like. It will probably take some practice. And with the thoughts that you have about anything negative you simply want to tell those thoughts “no” each time that they surface. This will help to release them from their catacombs so that they no longer have manifesting power over your life.
***
I (Leelah) have recently been overwhelmed with negative self talk with strong energy. I now started to say NO! when the thoughts popped up, and it was some of the most effective strategy I ever have experienced. It stopped immediately – and then it seeped back. In A Course in Miracles, the main thing Jeshua/Jesus teaches us is that we/ some part of us/ CHOOSE everything that happens to us – and this NO is choosing again! And there is a big difference between saying NO from judgment – and just saying NO as a decision to not accept hateful thoughts into my mind any longer – I will not rent space to them in my mind, as Jeshua says in Way of the Heart.
I used Leni’s method to invite the energy of the Corona in, in the very first beginning of the year 2020. She appeared to me like a queen. I saw that she came to create great and necessary changes in the human collective mind. I started a group at Facebook where I invited people to visualize the virus in its rather beautiful rose-ish image – and allow it to transform into something that would allow us to see its true beauty behind/within the physical form. It is my experience that when we transform an image of something, we also transform the energy of that image.I invited us to see it with Christ’s vision.
I have also had friends who have got the Covid-19 – and who used their spiritual practice to intend to see it WITHOUT fear. The minute they truly SAW that it was the fear about it, that was harmful, they healed within hours.
I’ll repeat that: I have learned to recognize that it is not the virus itself that is hurtful – it is our thoughts and fears about it – our unconscious beliefs that we are being punished for our guilt etc.
Please hear that I am sharing my beliefs about it, and the experiences I have had because of the teachings and what I have experienced with students/clients the last 32 years and myself.
Here are some of the answers I got from the Facebook group–experiment:
The little but then large blue barbed balls of chaos outside of us flying at us attacking us, entering the body spinning like wild then slowing down met by pink golden light balls surrounding the virus calming the virus overtaking the virus calm loving peaceful forgiving. Transforming the blue spiked balls into pink golden light and love. Changing the spirit of mankind into compassion and trust and truth. The virus no longer exists for eternity. 🌻
*
I saw a beautiful rose unfolding, transforming into paper fireworks in many colours, and abundance gently raining down on the whole world. I felt oneness and connection. And I saw white figures all connected to both the earth and the sky, all being lifted up, some just a bit above the ground, and a few all the way up to heaven. I felt deep peace and grounding.
I feel calm and relaxed, more than I have felt in a long time. It is as though the virus has released the heavy tension I have had in my body for many years. In spite of the serious situation, I can see the future «as bright that I have to wear shades»
*
This morning I saw – without even intending to – the red dots on the virus as small children holding sacred fires in their hands, the fires lay in bowls of gold. The babies were then sitting in a circle that surrounded the image. I heard the babies’ happy voices, and I still get shivers when i describe the holiness of it all. The yellow dots were all fuzzy baby birds – chicken, ducks, I don’t know – the gray was silk, and it emanated tenderness and protection. The white was snow lanterns – very soon we will see them as light filled.
I invite you to LISTEN to the sounds emanating from this image – they feel like blessings
*
Please know that I in no way am interested in pushing my beliefs and Faith on my readers. I want to share what is true for me, and what is seen as true in my spiritual teachings.
My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and who has shared her feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”
Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”
I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.
It was a BLANK PAGE.
This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.
The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)
and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:
“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”
Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.
Now we have a shining opportunity:
In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.
And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .
Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***
And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:
I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.
***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”
My hundreds of years old woodI love the way it felt like going through a tunnel, the light playing on the trunks
Yesterday I went for a hike in my beloved wood, close to my home.
It was not there. It had been cleared – lumbered – and as I walked through the familiar path, the views were now open – and the scars were everywhere.
It was a shock – MY wood had been vandalized!
Now you might read the description of the wood like your own inner wood/soul landscape – like C.G Jung would.
I felt like all my safety and support had been shaken up and pulled up – like my entrails now was hanging out of my mouth – sorry for that graphic image folks –
I was talking to my daughter in my cell phone as I walked, and I noticed how cool I was describing it – hmm I will feel this deeply when I come home, I knew.
I share this, since I have understood that many of my readers have been abused in some way – and some of them are bi-polar – so they will be able to pick up the healing energy as they read the post through, and BE HELPED just by hooking into the energy of forgiveness and healing of abuse of any kind.
I believe I have come into this incarnation to do just that – clear the structure of archetypal pain of “the victim” on as many levels as I can.
As soon as one of us chooses to see our wounds with love and forgiveness, that healing is AVAILABLE for all – and now it is up to everyone to truly accept it for themselves. That has taken 76 years in this life for me
As a therapist since 1988 – and supervisor for 20 years -I have gathered mine and my patients’ healing experiences in my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love.”
Take a breath here
I felt very bad at home – and was convinced it was COVID-19: I was feverish and it was REALLY hard to breathe. It lasted all day and much of the night, and in the morning, I called out for Anna – Jesus’ grandmother – who always for some wonderful reason has been infinitely close.
I invited her to breathe with my lungs, and in a minute or two all the symptoms were gone.
So I asked: Where have I vandalized a landscape as vast and wonderful like this wood?
Ahh – it was my inner wood I had vandalized.
I immediately recognized it:
This happened when I returned home when I was about 4 years old and hade been brutally abused in a wood close by.
I got home, I don’t know how, and rang the bell. My mother came out and SAW me – there was a terrified look on her face as she SAW what had happened –
and then she turned it into something I had wrong wrong – ripped and soiled my clothes.
In that shattering moment when I understood that I would NOT be comforted – I could NOT share what had happened and my experiences of it – the inner vandalizing started. I told myself this must be something fundamentally WRONG with me – and my salvation was of course to start bettering everything about me.
That procedure was in itself a recipe for self hatred.
Here is in short the forgiveness-process that Jeshua gives in the Way of the Heart.
FORGIVENESS Jeshua 1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)
“Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’ “Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)
I made a choice in that moment – to squeeze out any inner signs for needs – like comfort, like “being saved.” Because, said my mind, my mother surely HAD TO BE RIGHT – I had to trust my mother.
And this glorious night, as I used the forgiveness formula with Anna present – breathing through me – I watched the image of the two of us dissolve in light and disappear from my mind. I saw the innocent light around and in us both – and I recognized our soul contract: – she and my father had soul-signed up to play these roles for me, so I at last in this incarnation could get a good hold of it all, look at it with love, forgive it and let it go. ***
***
I have been working with this theme for over 30 years. It has taken a lot of work and stubbornness to get to this place.And the trees had grown REALLY tall and the Light had trouble getting in to it.
My daughter suggested in the phone that I might return and present the de-lumbered wood with gifts. I see myself walking through it and singing and dancing to it – giving my energy to the place which is now open to new growth.Most important – now LIGHT can reach all the way down to the very ground.
I hope this experience has done this with me: cleared me out for receiving LIGHT all the way down to my very roots
And here are som more photos of the old wood:
You can see the light blue spot to the left – that is a broader hiking trail to the top of the mountain. Now all the trees you see here are cut down. There is free access to the main path to the top 🙂
After studying A Course in Miracles since 1984 and also Way of the Heart, Way of Transformation and Way of Knowing – oh am i not a FABOLOUS stuudentt – I realize that I has not understood much of it. In fact, very little. But what is so AMAZING is that when I started to read it anew, i discover that Jeshua says the same in all paragraphs : God is but Love, and therefore so are you.
So this morning dreams with huge spiders with thin thin LONG legs everywhere – and similar antics – arrived – like ghosts of unnamed nightmares in the deepest recesses of the One mind we all share. -In deep agony I woke up and remembered this is not who I am – and grabbed The Way of the Heart book at my night table:
(p31) The point is, there is nothing that you see that is not pervaded by the Perfect Radiance of God’s Holy Presence–nothing. The stone, a leaf, a piece of paper blown by the wind, even the shoutings of fear and anger from anyone yet contains within it–if you would receive it–the Perfect Love of God. For your Father does not ever recoil or withdraw from the unlimited and perfect Extension of Himself. And God is but Love. And if you did not abide wholly in that Love in this moment, you would immediately cease to exist. I don’t just mean die; I mean, literally, cease to exist. There would be no trace of thought, or memory in any mind, of you. It is only because Love Is that You Are.
This is so fun – so i got The Way of Mastery-book too and opened it:
As the journey that you’re on begins to end, you will come to see that darkness is nothing more than a part of your own beingness which has been neglected and not loved. For when you love what you perceive as darkness, you reclaim it as a part of yourself. And by loving it, you transform it. And the power you had given it by separating it from you, returns to you where it truly abides.
And WITH this Truth inside me I can sit with those weird-feeling energies, feel them and breathe –
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Leaving the womb: entering life fully 