Remembering

Yesterday, I read this:

When you find yourself in the darkness, just remember that YOU ARE THE LIGHT

Oh – that is crystal clear – I AM the light – I carry it with me wherever I go
and it has a tremendous effect on my “ego-identity” – When I find mySELF in the darkness, this SELF is NOT the darkness – and “I” can not be invaded by it – I can be present as SELF/LIGHT, and swoop – no resistance
So this is how alignment feels 🙂

Birds under water

 

It has been there as long as I can remember. A strong pain in the butt, spreading down the thighs on the backside – maybe it started when I was maybe 8? I needed desperately to find a place where my mom and I could connect *- and I found one: my mother and I were in the living room, and a black spider – in my memory as big as a grown fist – crawls on the carpet.

She screams! So I scream too – we can connect in fear! THAT is our connection. We look at each other in perfect agreement of how dreadful spiders are, and how allowed it is to scream when one sees them.

*The connection I got with my mom was via fear. I scream and jump and shiver – just like my mom. THIS IS SAFE.

This is love, I tell myself. I believe I don’t have a connection to God – so I MUST have a connection with my mother. We connect in FEAR – so now FEAR has taken the place of Love in my mind as my refuge. Now I share this fear with another – that is love.

In my child’s mind, this connection with Mom is valuable beyond means. It is life-saving: it gives me a space to connect with her, to bond, and only in this connection do I not disassociate from the daily horrors going on that nobody must know about – my mother included.

My mother always told me “now I get a pain in my butt” – and it is this pattern that I have saved, to bond with her.

I see the pattern spreading backwards through our lifetimes.

What does it mask?

What is it that we both, in reality, scream out for?

I want to sit with that for a while

And also recognizing that there is no room for God in that fear-shared space: we chose fear. Fear and Love cannot exist at the same time. It took the place of God – it became God in our mind. Now fear unites us, and we both deny our God-given connection with our Christed Self.

Subconsciously this identity – this holding on to fear-as-love – seems very valuable in my mind. And it stays there until I don’t value it any longer and let it go.

Like right now

What does it mask?

I need….I need to scream that I am terrified!

And so the innocent spider came into the space between my mother and I and allowed us to bond in the only way we were capable of right then – and gave us an opportunity to express our common fear in an acceptable manner.

The deepest need is to know that God is there to take care of me when I am terrified -*

I look into my heart, and there He is, inviting me to sit on His lap – He says: what you really are afraid of – all of you – is to come sit on my lap. You think you are so guilty – but I do not create guilt, you do.

The pain in the butt feels like dirty acid, and God tells me it does not mean anything at all.

Instantly my fear of these pains – and my making them meaningful and serious – falls away.

I realize that I am moving through layers in the elaborate fear-defense-system I have called Love

Here is an angry voice demanding that the pain shall disappear RIGHT NOW!

What does it mask?

A deep mistrust: God cannot help me. WILL not.

“Allow it all to come into your awareness” says Christ. “Leave no part of it left in the bodymind.”

I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created: a terrified being who has no connection to God. I free me to be my Self.

A vivid image from this morning’s dream: two small birds are living under shallow water. They walk at the bottom. I put a finger down, one of the birds hacks crazily at it as if it thinks it if food. I gently lift to other bird up, it sits in my hand and looks surprised when coming into its true living space. I invite the other bird to come into my other hand, it protests as if I offer it hell. I tell it that it can come whenever it wants to. It then flops into my hand and faints. I place both birds on a soft peace of cloth before me – and the trusting bird places it’s wing over its friend.

In this moment a knowing happens in the child on God’s lap: I HAVE TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO GOD’S LOVE, AND NOT MOTHER’S. She simply CANNOT help me, since she (thinks she)misses connection to God.

The second I share this with Kit, she says:
“The second you said this, I looked at my watch, and the ciphers flickered.”

“She cannot help me.”

There it is: this belief goes through our time -line – and consequently, these are the incarnations we create to explore.

Now I see what the dream was showing me: the hand coming into the water and lifting these beings into their true element, is God’s hand. And I – and everybody denying God’s presence as their Self – are the birds, seemingly trapped in a foreign element, where they flying capacity is removed.

The one bird was ready. The other came too – and lack of trust made it faint from fear.

But all the same – it chose Love

 

*That formatting happened all on itself. In the original Word-doc it is just an italic line like all the others italic-lines – and it does not start with a big T either.

 

 

 

Desire

This is written down from listening to Jeshua’s channeling:

An exercise in desire. ( WOM-lesson 04: Following the Thread of Desire.)

1)Set aside the world: “I need do nothing.” Relax the body, close they eyes, let the breathing become deep and rhythmic. As you relax the body and mind, ask yourself “what do I TRULY want?” Observe energies that come without any judgments, notice the feelings in the body and allow this to go on for about a minute or two. Then pause, open your eyes and write down all you can remember. “I saw the image of having 47 sexual partners. I saw the image of having golden coins raining down on me. I saw a huge bow of ice cream. I saw myself in a boat on the ocean – whatever it is, write it down. I noticed that my stomach felt tight, I thought I was going to pee in my pants. Whatever it is, write it down.

2) Take a deep breath, relax again and repeat the process. Place your hand on the heart and repeat: “What do I TRULY desire?” And again allow the process to be what it is. -Leave yourself a period of 10-15 minutes that you repeat this process 6-7 times , writing them down.

Put the piece of paper away in a journal until next exercise-time.

3) Repeat the process.

4)When you have done this 7 times – 7 sheets of paper – then, and only then, begin to look at all the things that came up, and then ask yourself, “what seems to be repeating itself? Whatever it is, notice the pattern, the thread running through the exercise-process.

The imagine that thread to be that energetic link that is tied to the piece of foam at the edge of the wave( Jeshua refers to metaphors he has used for ego/ the top of foam at the edge of the wave and God – The depth of the Ocean. And then consider that perhaps if you allowed yourself to move down that thread, to begin to put your energy on that, to begin to clear up the obstacles within your consciousness that block the desire to be consistently lived from –then by so doing, you will carry yourself from the drop of foam at the edge of the wave, to the heart of God. And that along the way, everything unlike love will come up for you to release it. And in this process you will go through a metamorphosis that will accumulate in you being the living incarnation of the power of Christ – that your soul would realize the fulfillment that it always has sought.

The reason you have decided to cleverly trick to block the energy of desire, is that the soul knows that to follow such a thread in total commitment, it would be embarking on the pathway we spoke of in an earlier hour -the pathway set before you by God. It knows how to take you Home. And if you arrive at Home, it will mean that you will have to had to give up being a seeker – and you will have had to become ONE WHO IS FOUND ( the formatting just happened.)

Now – just by listening  in the night to the tape where he spoke this, I felt aligned with Love. And what a strength I felt! And then a miracle happened: I had a dream where the usual theme of unknown people “invading” my space occurred – but the thought of invasion was missing. They were there to explore something, and I found myself talking with complete authority to them – and with no fear/anxiety whatsoever: “ Now you are here, this is MY home, and I want you to pay full respect in every possible way as long as you are here – both to me and to my belongings.” The persons were intently listening, not to miss anything I told them.

The dynamics between my husband and me were also completely changed: we were equal in every way. There was a deep tenderness between us: no more striving and competing for the big role of the most illustrious artist.

Just by allowing myself to truly feel my desire aligned me with God – and so all the earlier sick coping-mechanics in me fell away.

What a splendid example of what happens when I align with Truth – and how clear it became for me how desire in itself is the very cause of life in every form.

Help or arrogance

I see it almost every minute – this belief ” I am a worthless shit if I don’t help others” – meaning that there is a hidden comparison there – and I am obvious higher than them. More spiritual :::giggles:::And the belief runs in my blood – its’ on automatic

I write about this false helper-archetype in “When fear comes home to Love” – see book in right menu. I call it Bird – after the big bird that appeared in my painting you can see on the cover. Feeling like a turd, it has claimed its identity as a savior of the world – but it saves from an ego-identity – not as its Christ mind.

I -as  Leelah – can only help in a loving way if she steps back and allow Spirit to help through her. That means that true help will only be valuable to the helpee if I help from an inner prompt from the Heart – everything else is arrogance, based on the premise that it is valuable to compare myself with the other.

Each time I see beggars now, it is a lovely possibility to step back and wait for the prompt – give or not give money. And if I am not prompted to give money, I can give a smile.

I have noticed that the beggars who smile at me first – truly from the heart – always get money:)

Poop on the window and in the mind

When I walked into the kitchen today, there was a big human poop glued to my window, with toiletpaper hanging down from it.
January 1 2013 somebody threw a big stone through my entrance door. Much healing and insight came from that – and it feels like this is second chapter, one level deeper: what does this mirror inside me?
A deep deep feeling of unworthiness – I am only a shit –  Jesus tells me that the reason it comes to me from outside is that I have judged this feeling from inside, and therefore made it real.
I am currently following Jeshua’ channellings to Jayem – ” Way of Mastery” – you can find them here, on John Mark Stroud’s website where he, after an agreement with Jeshua/Jayem, help people deepen their experience with what Jesus says. I am using his forgiveness-instructions – and for the first time it FLOWS, it is easy.

So in this case with the poop-thrower, it was easy to sit down and do this exercise (I wrote it down myself when listening to the audio:)

“Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Please replace “critical” with self-hating

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:

“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth.

Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”
*
So he is just “me” – the Son who has forgiven his true Origin and believed he must be punished.
It is not serious:)
Oh yes,, that is something else John Mark has suggested which has been tremendously effective for me: Place an imaginary red clown nose on everyone you see.

It is simply impossible to avoid seeing that this is a dream

Jeshua’s Forgiveness processes

I  have listened to Jeshua – channeled by Jayem –  on this free down-loadable audio yesterday, and find it illuminating. : One Who Wakes – WOM Lesson 03 – “The Power of Forgiveness.”)

http://www.onewhowakes.org/wom-mp3/

Suddenly forgiveness was simple♥

Here is Jeshua speaking on Forgiveness. I have written it down as well as I can – but my main language is not English, so please forgive any glitches.

“The judgment is in the memory – here – now. To be undone. I am going to choose again. Look upon a scene where you judged another person or yourself. This is coming as a gift – to be undone by forgiveness -to undo the effect of your previous choices. Now, make a new choice.

Look at it. Stay with it. Recognize how judgment worked at that time. And then, say to that person or that event:

“I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created. I embrace you and I love you and free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.” Then see that image or memory gently dissolve into Light until there is no trace of it left – and be done with it.

If I hurt somebody when I was small and they were small – they are still here in my mind. All minds are joined. It means that whenever you extend forgiveness inside your consciousness, your emotional field, to another – whether they be physical present or not – you are extending to them as if they were physical present in front of you. Even if they were – they still have to receive it, don’t they. They still have their choice to make – whether to accept it or to remain in judgment of you, and that is their issue. Not yours.

Understand then that you are dealing with consciousness. You are not a physical being. You are Spirit. And you are intimately linked with all minds at all time. Therefore forgiveness can occur any time you decide that it can occur. Anybody you think that has wronged you can be forgiven by you this very moment. Any judgment in this or other moments – you can undo them by simply making another choice.
Rest assured you will proceed to project on others what remains unforgiven within yourself. Each time you react to another, you have been given a sign that there is some kind of energy within you that is presented to your awareness that you have not forgiven within yourself.
If someone is critical and it pushes your buttons, every time they are critical, rest assured you have not healed that part of your own beingness, that part of being critical of others. You have still not forgiven yourself, whether this is just now or a returning pattern for having identified with that energy.

Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:
“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth. Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”

( Comment from Leelah: here is the link to the audio: One Who Wakes –

WOM Lesson 03 – “The Power of Forgiveness.”)

http://www.onewhowakes.org/wom-mp3/

What I have written down is from ca 68:00. Do yourself a favor, please listen to the very end – Jesus shares his instant forgiveness process with the man who was about to drive the nail through his hand. You will not want to miss it.

Resistance – a door to Heaven

Had a great regression session yesterday with a friend. The guidance coming through me was so loving and light-filled, and my friend released guilt and false beliefs.

The night was filled with tremendous cramps, and the morning after it felt like I was manipulated by pure hatred and contempt. I was well aware that I am not a victim of this – somehow I must believe that “this” is valuable and to be preferred over God’s Love. Amazing, but there it is: What we believe to be true, we create – and we create it WITH God’s immense power.

What is the gift in this? What is the opportunity to see here?

I go to Jayem’s website and there’s the answer:

Take a breath or several, and say out loud… ‘this obstacle is coming up for healing now.  Thank God!  It will hinder me no longer!’  Take a breath, observe what you feel, and repeat, until you notice the nervous system feels ‘complete’, as it settles in as truth. And healing is a release from the trapped energy that “holds” us away from the Self/Christ Mind. Stay with the terms exactly as they are given, and ALLOW these stuck places to emerge, breathe, and feel.  This alone will carry you into new illuminations about what these terms signify.  In short, Jeshua is a masterful teacher, and NOTHING he says, or terms chosen, is ever by accident.  Trust the teacher to carry the student into and through what the student has not found his or her way through as yet. You will recall from ACIM that He accomplished the Atonement, and thus it is done for us already.... now it’s just our willingness to accept or melt away into the truth He manifested

I had a session with Kit, and we talked about what happens when we “quarrel with reality.” Pain and discomfort, unexpected glitches, sickness and so on – as long as I believe it should not have happened, I am stuck in my endless stories about it and cannot see it with Christ’s loving vision. I realize that as long as I seem to be inside that maelstrom of cramps and pain, there is no trust at all in a Love that can embrace me AND the pain.

It is also clear that this pain – and whatever fuels it in my mind – must be allowed to have a space, without condemning it – or me.

So I have to know: there is a time to just BE WITH “hell” – and there is a time when to do the work I do in my work with regressions: supporting people to find out, with their own guide and Master at their side, what they are believing about themselves, and therefor are imbuing with guilt and self hatred. It is THIS that fuels ANY pain we have: what we tell ourselves about what we experience. The experience itself is always neutral – and only when we start our stories about it, with “me” as the main role, the tremendous power that God has given his Holy Son = US – flows through the story we have made: because we tell ourselves that we are right, and our perception is true.

NOT.

If pain is involved, it simply isn’t.

For healing to happen in our mind, it is not enough to “know” what happened mentally – we need to experience forgiveness go through us.

What I see myself telling myself – constantly, like a stuck tape – is: “I CANT MAKE IT through this pain. I simply cannot “get there” – “there” being where freedom and forgiveness and Love is.

There is an abysmal grief inside this – and THIS is what I want to BE with.

As I stated in the start of this blog – I write this mainly for myself – and you will see me visiting the same places until I get it.

If somebody else can benefit, I am happy.

Nice PC-magic:Right now “Systems mechanics” gave a message that an important installation is up for downloading. I clicked the download-button, and an ugly sound and sign told me that this was impossible to do. I recognized the mirror of the big resistance I am writing about here, and instantly allowed it to be here, forgiving myself and embracing myself for being right here, now. 5 seconds later a new sign – as if nothing had happened: “ Are you willing to install the new download now?”

These electronic signs from Jesus are such gifts. Humoristic, and SO elegantly timed. The minute I accepted being with the resistance, without listening to the threatening stories about being stuck in hell, hell melted and the new download happened.

 

Sitting with Christ

Everything that has hurt you, you have done out of the belief that you are not safe, not connected to me .Ask me to correct the belief that you are not safe.

When you are becoming aware of any dread of “obligation:” that is just fear speaking. Just brush it away.

I want you to call me Joy today: Causeless Joy, CJ. Do everything WITH me. Sense every molecule to be JOY.

Yes – this is the shift in identification: not from dread and guilt, but from Joy.

I see some tiny morsels at the table and feel I have to brush them away to feel peaceful and safe. Now don’t judge yourself” giggles CJ – Just brush with me. – Look – are they not perfect morsels? So delicate – so innocent?

Indeed they are. One little morsel is a miniature plant of about 2mm.I just need to look with love to see the wonder of it. I remember an artist friend who made a little book about dust and “morsels.” I saw that they were really galaxies – looked at with eyes of wonder.

Can you let everything be as it is, just now?

Can you allow it to be enough?

Thoughts about role-playing and our Divine Choice

Thoughts about role-playing….to my readers, and to  dear Neil whom I soon will have a Skype-session with ( please notice the new Services-page.)

In reality, we humans love each other. We love each other so much that we agree to take on obnoxious roles, so that we during our incarnation are being given the lessons we need to see through the dream and wake up. And it’s like at the restaurant: we are not served food that we have not ordered.We have used the infinite Power that God gave us, to order scenarios: I chose to explore abuse,violence and insanity – and I ordered it to come in a mix with artistic mastery,musicality and a sense of authority.Through his effect on me, I was forced to deal with the consequences that  all victims have in common – fear-patterns and the archetypes they constitute.

You can read the results in “When fear comes home to Love” in the right menu.

The real gift was having to find the only thing that could heal it for good: TRUTH, and its companion radical forgiveness, as A Course in Miracles teaches it.

Without my father’s role in my family, I would not be free. Without your family – and wife – being exactly as they are, you would not be given the gift of going through this tough period, and learning about the patterns it has presented for you.

I’d like you to set the intention for the session: What do you really really want to come out of it – to the benefit of everyone involved? What does your heart yearn for? What is the feeling you want to have after the session?

We are coming together in the name of Christ, our Holy Self., to allow Him/It to work through us.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18-:20. You are invited to set the intention to give the process of this release and healing completely in H.S’s hands – and intend that you wake up the morning after, feeling happy, knowing that the healing has been done – just because you asked for it. Now your part is to trust the process, and trust your inner Guide.

Jesus tells us in the Course that it is all about joining. So your healing benefits me too – and the rest of humanity. Any healing pattern in the One Mind is available to us all.

I’d invite you to also release any doubts, like there are degrees in difficulties when it comes to your theme for healing – any belief that you need to know specific details in order for this to work.

Remember – healing is instantaneously. In fact, it has already happened by your willingness, says the Course. It is only psychologically that we have to tell each other all the things we things we need the other to hear and have the other validate them. Nothing wrong about that – but it presupposes that time is real.

I also intend to have lots of fun and laughs 🙂

 

 

 

 

Introduction to a marvelous process: 40 days