Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

Healing with Horses – and Access Bars

Saturday I was the lucky receiver of Access Bars – healing – and this was a special variety: The leader had two black Icelandic horses, and as soon as we had placed our massage benches outside the stable, they came to us, attracted by the healing energy of the Bars-process.

The photo at the top shows  Vilja ( Will) yawning and releasing energy – just as healers do 🙂

The horses truly knew where to put the muzzles. Sometime they just stood close by our heads and bodies, quite still, and with a tremendous Presence – other times they were pushing hard with their muzzles, almost bumping them rhythmically into our body. I felt blessing streaming from them, it was magical.

Solitaire or Self

Everything is coming to me to gift me

I’ve got an urinary infection – I bleed. I feel quite calm – this is not cancer – this is the past coming up to be given full awareness and compassion. I start sitting with it, breathing with it, blessing it, and it starts to talk like living thing – even a person. We become intimate, and I am a mother to it now, cradling in my arms, as strange as that sounds. I remember the way my body showed what could not be mentioned – the pain and agony in my lower body: not only abused by others, but abused and rejected by me – this is what we do when we are mishandled in any way –  blaming ourselves – the wrong person is feeling the shame.

Now, sitting with it tenderly – I breathe all the shame back to the ones who placed it on me – knowing that they too received this great inner pain from someone else – and that in the beginning, there is just confusion and ignorance, and we put a “me” on that – like it belongs to a somebody. It belongs to the thought system of fear – called ego – and now we can sort it out.

 

Another break with the past:

I want to feel the freedom and release I feel when I win a game of Patience ( that happens many times in a row these days ) WITHOUT depending on an electronic game – I want to find it while linking up with my Self.

With great resistance I decided to NOT play again, and intended to find the same peace without the Patience.

The energy is still reverberating through me as I write this – big waves, tensions slipping out, tears running.

The Virgin Mountain

After I found out what I truly wanted to experience, it happened this morning. I had wanted to experience being fully anchored in my body, present, healthy, ALIVE and happy – no longer being a vacuum cleaner for others’ negative energies.

In this life I have explored all kind of energies, and it has been adamant for me to learn fully  to be able to be WITH them and not “become” them.

I had a dream this morning, about living temporarily in a house with many people – and in one room there were drug addicts, heavy smokers, it smelt of booze and old sweat and  darkness.  I did not look forward to spend the night in this house – and i woke up.

Feeling this energy when i woke up, I realized I had identified with it – “this has something to do with “me.” No, I corrected myself, this has to do with old memories of being subjected to these energies, having felt them fully as a small child and then told myself that feeling like this, meant  that I must be horrible!

Doing as all empaths do – and must learn to undo: identified with the energies, thinking it is ME, and then making up stories about what kind of person “I” must be.

Now, awake, it gradually happened that I lost that false identity and KNEW who I was – as God created me, eternal Self, invulnerable, wise,all-loving.

And so I could envision myself standing there WITH these people with these energies – fully anchored in the original Self – and just radiating this. No talking necessary

The images of those persons dissolved completely. I saw that I had had this dream to discover that there still was an energetic connection between these kind of people  and energies – and the true ME.

It was beyond description beautiful to feel the real true Me as Presence – and from that True Identity, just allowing the others to live according to their beliefs and likes – knowing they have the same essence and free will to be and become whatever they choose

Then I fell asleep again and had a numinous dream:

I stand in front of a huge mountain, pyramidal in shape, but the sides are longer than the base. It is called the Virgin ( I once visited the Mountain Die Jungfrau in Switzerland, and found some relics on the top that I later attached to a power tool.)

The Virgin had something falling down like  a waterfall from the apex – it looked like pure white light wool. I saw that another woman – a well known energy medicine woman who cured herself of ME and all kind of allergies when she was young had once hanged onto that wool while it swayed and danced in the wind and had been truly hurt by it, almost crushed. I found one tiny edge of it and held on – knowing I would not do as Donna had done and be hurt.

Then I saw that it was pure gold that waterfalled down the mountain. It was glorious and numinous and I shivered and cried.

I want to BE at a place of Being where I CAN dance with that gold and be strengthened by it.

I  will and can do that when I fully have anchored my true Self in THIS body.

 

While I am practicing Way of Transformation lesson 7, forgiving the judgments and projections I have placed on people and situations so I can see them clearly ( with Christ’s Vision,) I have the strangest clearest dreams.

Earlier this weeks, I have had nightmares of being followed and attacked by 1) soldiers 2) maniacs and now – this night – they were monster machines, powered with an intense will to kill and destroy. Since they were inhuman, they had no soft points. I remember one of them – the boss: big, square, white and shiny glossy. And with flashing eyes.

We were in a big school, all students. There were nowhere to hide. At one point I lost the clothes I wore, and simply found others – miraculously they fit perfectly. White long woolen trousers and a white woolen poncho too.

When I woke up, I recognized that these inhuman killer machines truly are creations in the One Mind. I truly own those feelings, those energies – I have justified them and felt empowered by feeling them as a child, since the power in them gave me that strength I needed then not to dissolve completely. Now I forgave and blessed the creation and felt a big relief in the body.

I noticed thoughts of catastrophizing coming up, – as if some parts are afraid of being healed and happy. I opened a notebook to this note: Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.
I have heard that a zillion times. This time it was realized as shining true. The energy was – and is – AMAZING

And my body today feels like I have been pummeled and hit and working out for days – how my beautiful muscles have struggled to keep all that hate-energy inside, judging them strongly.

 

Everything Falls

Everything falls

Stones fall

Rumbling

Trees fall, slowly, creaking, crashing, moaning

Temperature sinks

Snow crystals sink and descend

Moods sink

Birds fall, but only if they are shot

Or attacked in air

Otherwise birds never fall

I never ascend in this body

Unless someone lifts me

Or I am in a metal machine that looks like a bird

I can’t even fly in dreams

Though it so happens that

Sometimes I just bend my knees

And lift my feet up

I fly forty centimeters above

The ground

And wave my hands rapidly

Just to tell you, you don’t

Need to fly to the moon and

Sing about it –

It is OK to fly low

With knees bent

Forgiveness-exercise

This is from chapter “Snake” in When fear Comes Home to Love.”

Forgiveness – exercise

1) Visualize yourself as a child, and ask your inner Guide to lead you to a situation where you sensed your parents’ fear and chaos in the air, and your body instantly reacted to that and identified with it. Try to find the moment where you internalized the craziness, and made it your fault that your parents behaved crazy and scary.

Now JUST LET IT BE THERE IN THE BODY. Breathe kindly around the sensations, if there are voices just let go of them, you are resting in God this very moment when you say yes to what is there in your mind and nervous system. There is nothing more to do – just rest with whatever presents itself.

Another variation: If you are one of many who need a bit of help to release stuck energies from hidden pockets in the energy-system, I suggest you go to an EFT-site and download a free manual of the method. When you tap with your fingers on certain points in the meridian-system, while at the same time as you hold the pain or memory in your awareness, the most surprising releases may happen. It is very easy to learn the method – but may take time to truly master it. The Course reminds us that forgiveness is just looking, without judgment -and this is what you do: the tapping just removes the unnecessary charge of pain from the nervous system, while you look at the content with the Holy Spirit.”

*

 

Rearranging the furniture – or moving out

from Chapter 2,Child,”Greater reality:.”

Night. Excruciating pain in my mind and body. I am surely dying! I pray and pray:

“Help me! Give me a miracle! I can’t take it any longer!”

No answer. Years after this, I see that Love is there, available as always – but my struggle and resistance prevented me from being aware of It.

I try several different approaches to the crazy energy – but it is plainly too much for me to integrate. Then – it is almost morning – I at last hear Blue’s voice:

THERE IS A GREATER POWER THAN THIS. THERE IS A GREATER REALITY.

In a flash, I believe the words. I recognize that the tensions came from identifying with a lesser reality.

All the tensions and pains are immediately released, and The Voice says, tenderly and with humor:

-And there you are – HOME – shot-free.

OH! Let me hold on to this understanding now!

Same morning, at the breakfast-table, I am reading my favorite cartoon, “The Lagoon.” [1] The crab Hawthorne is inviting Sherman the Shark to peek into his cave. “I want your honest opinion about what you see around here. I want you to take into consideration the fact that I spend almost my entire life in this dark cave. Think about that while you peep around. – Well now! Do you think that that stone would look nicer over there, in the corner?”

And old Sherman throws a glance at the stone and says:

“I don’t know…I think you are really challenging fate here, Hawthorne.”

This is a shark’s view, and probably speaks for a lot of humans, too. Better to let things stay as they are, change may be unsettling to us.

But OH! How I recognize the futility of moving the furniture around, in a meaningless effort of changing and fixing things – trying to feel more at ease with this old stuff of mine.

Therapy might often end up in moving stones: there is this really yucky smelling slimy stone in the corner there, and now we clean them up – and the other stuff in the cave, we dust, paint rosy or give a new cover … or we might, if we are courageous, smash them to dust and bury them.

What we very seldom do, is leave the cave and swim out into the waters of Greater Reality.

Yes, there is a worry in me when I think of leaving my old cave, where things are painful and overstuffed but familiar – and swim out in the clear water of freedom – I / my ego fears that I will be so happy and content that I will forget to identify with Child…ego tells me that I will be fat and self-content and lazy, and will not bother to feel responsible for the other cave-dwellers’ pain any longer. And there is this other fact: there is a benefit by living in fear all the time: you are very close to death, and death is, when all is said, very dependable and safe.

And perhaps that is all I deserve?

The Voice says:

In GREATER REALITY, you will radiate your essence, your compassion, your depth, your love – and that will help others to find Greater Reality. When they feel safe and loved, they will no longer alienate themselves from their truth. This is the only way you can contain pain that is split off: by living from your Greater Reality – by being and radiating your essence.

Your Child is not lost in the cave – she will be saved and safe only when you can contain her.

Stop moving stones and come out into the Light! This is the choice you all will have to make, again and again. And the choice will be easy and clear, my friend, when you realize that within the cave there is nothing else to do but to move the furniture around. – COME OUT! and help the cave-dwellers see that they have a choice: they can come out – and they can go back again. And in the end it will not matter where you are – inside or outside – because you now know Who you are. The choice and responsibility are yours.

The reality now is that when you stay within the cave, you are not aware that you have a choice, and the power, to leave it. Then the cave becomes a prison. This is the whole difference: it doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you know you have the freedom to move out of it and into your true identity.

You don’t have to rush – “I MUST do this NOW!” Your essence is waiting, safe and unharmed, to be acknowledged and recognized. It is your true Home. It is impossible NOT to find it.

I will do it now. In the name of all that is holy, help me to recognize the cave, so I can move out of it.

Oh! There I go again. The thoughts run away with me. I worry so much!

My dearest. Don’t blame yourself. Learn: this is exactly the way the ego moves stones in the cave. This is one of fear’s most cherished procedures: grabbing thoughts and make you worry over them. It makes you feel that you are in control as long as you do this and that and make plans for how to avoid that and worry worry worry. You see- the issue here is f e a r . Use it constructively now: as soon as you recognize fear and worry occupying your mind, recognize their sneaky ways in trapping you in the furniture-moving-business. Then you will remember:

1) I am in the cave

2) I have a choice

3) I choose freedom, light, truth – I don’t want the moving stone-business any longer. I have grown past it.

And by seeing the illusion as empty lies, dressing up as reality within the cave, you transcend it – and you are contributing to the lightening of the collective darkness.

All is well.

Let me give you some pointers about realities.

In the cave, you try to meditate. You exercise to make yourself “a better person.” All you do comes from a space in you who believes yourselves not good enough, need improvement to earn acceptance and feel safe. In Greater Reality, you allow meditation to just happen. You exercise yourself because it is a way to love yourself and respect the body – it is a way to care for the vehicle of the soul.

In the cave, all your efforts are geared toward making you safe. Fear is saying: “If you do this and act like this, I will make you safe.” Outside the cave, Love is saying: “you are safe. This is the true reality – nothing can harm the Real You.”

In the cave, you try to be loving. Outside of it, you recognize that Love is not what you perform, it is what you are.

[1]This dialog is presented by Jim Toomey, in one of his Sherman’s Lagoon comic strips.

 

To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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