Trusting the Process

 

Out-of-body

This is a first for me. It may have been the case all my life – but only now did it become clear. Well worth sharing for people interested in healing, energy, and the soul.

This morning I got this mail from Tapas Fleming*

It is about helping parts of the soul to reintegrate in the body. In psychology , dissociation is part of this – in shamanism, soul-loss is wider explained. For anyone interested in symptoms of soul-loss, just google it

I bought the video and listened to it. At one place, we are asked to have a conversation with those parts/one part- I heard a distinct voice saying “I don’t want to to come back to you.” Strong heart palpitations accompanied it. So I told it that i loved it and that I never would try to force it.

After seeing the video I was guided to use the Emotion Code -chart – and by dowsing I found the part – stuck in a feeling of helplessness. It seemed to be much older than THIS life – but also influenced by the sheer helplessness in this life. I asked it if it would feel safe and OK to receive a healing with Holy Spirit and a special magnet that I have, that I would move over the Governing Meridian which fuels the nervous system. It said yes.

After only moving the magnet the third time, the release of energy started – like standing in a shower of light. I sense it now too, writing this. It was followed by deep gratitude and peacefulness. Relaxation.

And my heart is at peace for now 🙂

*

Here is Tapas’ mail with links, for those who want to buy that  – as I see it  – very helpful video.

*

*Dear TAT Friend,

It’s been a total surprise to find out what a huge percentage of people are not fully in their body! How can you tell if you are not fully “in” your body? For some people, when they try a technique for personal transformation that seems to work for everyone else but doesn’t work for them, it’s a red flag that this could be the issue. Especially if pretty much every technique that works for others doesn’t work for them. It’s likely that person isn’t in their body fully.  

Here are some of the circumstances that foster this condition: car accidents, surgery, physical traumas, emotional traumas, sexual or physical abuse, being born into families where you are unwanted, being raised in families with alcohol, drug or other active addictions are happening, emotionally toxic work environments, and even prolonged periods of intense stress. A lot of times when situations like this occur, people actually energetically retreat from their bodies in self-defense. They just don’t come all the way back sometimes and may not be fully aware of it. They feel like, “Heck, no!  It’s not safe to be there!”

Things just don’t work right if a person’s not fully present in their body. It’s like trying to drive a car from sitting on top of the roof: no go. Physical illnesses can be much more persistent and it can be harder for you to shift from illness into healing. You can even feel mentally overwhelmed when you’re not fully in your body.

So I made a video for you that walks you through the process of fully settling into your body with the help of TAT. It’s super easy and I think you’ll like it!

If you’re partly in your body, it would be like being able to reach the steering wheel of the car by laying down on the roof of the car, but not being able to reach the gas pedal or the brakes. If you’re fully present in your body, you have full power to function much better and create the kind of life that makes you happy.

I think you’ll like this video because I’m talking into the camera, directly to you. My boyfriend said it’s like sitting down with me in a cafe and having a personal conversation.

Lots of love,

Tapas

 

 

 

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last being with the ultimate agony

Waking up with the habitual agonized desperate feeling.

Blue: Sit up, please. If we do this while you are lying down, part of you automatically slip into its conditioned space-out mode. And what you are feeling is precisely the feeling of agony and desperation – and the belief that this has something to do with you. ( I wrote belie instead of belief :))

I start to breathe deeply into it and the release starts. Big sickness comes. “Very good. Now you have opened to this the old sickness too. You did not throw up during the oral abuse since you correctly perceived they would see it as an offense – from the insane level they are operating from.

…Now the hatred is felt – good …breathe it in, be with it, neutral energy, allow it to release. Angels are here in great numbers, blessing the work, blessing you, praising you for your courage.

Sickness again.

Sweetie, that is also his/their repressed sickness at understanding what they are doing to their victims

Immediately the sickness becomes acute, and then abates. Deep gratitude for this amazing release-process.

Let me remind you that in this dream we all have experienced everything – and everything has been “done” to us – and it has not touched Heaven and Who we are.

I breathe and release and become sick and it passes, again and again. The legs start to hurt. I am told to put my hands on them and breathe, and to remove the labels “legs” and “hurt.” It abates .I “see” legs being crushed in a medieval torture-device. “There is no guilt in you now – so there is no pain.” I surely feel strange and strong sensations in the legs – but without them being “my” legs, and without labeling, it is able to be experienced and released. The underlying gratitude is immense. –“Put all thoughts and ideas aside now – about who you are. Come Home to your Sacred Self.”

I sit in a timeless space of Presence

I find some people I have held energies from, and blessing come through me: “I bless you in your capacity to feel safe and free in your connection to your Sacred Self. I release these energies I have held as means of holding on to grievances. My mother, father, brother… I release you from the roles you have played and mirrored. I bless you in your capacity to discover hidden disgust and self hatred and release it for good…and be happy. Amen.”

And then.

I get up.

And for the first time in at least 40 years does my body not feel like a rotten corpse. It feels light as a feather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Loving Hand

My old cellphone has refused to be charged the last week. I decided I needed a new one, and bought on. When I came home, its battery was almost empty, so I charged it – and it did not work.

Well – this sounded very much like a teaching: the outer mirroring the inner.

I tried to charge it i n the entrance, the kitchen, the living room – no luck.

Then I sensed a strong urge to go REST and unplug and allow God’s love to charge me.

I laid down in my bed, and felt irritable and bored for a while – and then, something gave way and a sweetness was felt. I was just allowing myself to be receptive of God’s love, stopping to look for results – just committing to laying there for a while.

While I did that, I had put my new phone on charge in the sleeping-room socket.

And it worked -laughing out loud!

So then I tried to charge the old phone too – and when I looked at it one hour later, it was green,fully loaded

So – there was simply just one thing to do: committing to giving myself this rest-time and let the results be what they are.

Going to bed that night, I again renewed my willingness to receive, and felt the warmth in my upper body.

In the night, I was aware of that demi-sleep-state – I knew I was in my bed, and at the same time, I was fully open to the dream state. Then – a presence of Somebody in my bed behind me. A warm hand was gently gently coming closer until it cradled my cheek with such care and tenderness that I completely received it without freaking out

Finding Quan Yin inside

The old pattern of “dark attacks” are escalating. And so also the help comes:-now the  Levines sent me another book about Quan Yin: The Goddess of 5th Avenue, a novel by Carol Simone. with a wonderful meditation on CD within it. I have played it twice already, and experienced being Quan Yin – which is the title of the first book that Stephen sent me!

All that happens is that a split-off part of the wrong mind has an idea that is unpleasant and it is a stinky idea and it hurts. It’s not serious and it has no power to take away the peace of the God mind.I am not my personal nature – I am That which shines through it.

THANK GOD the body is not equipped to process these strong energies. That makes it so much easier to see the body as the Course sees it: a false proof of a false thought of separation. The identity last night with Quan Yin was real, and all my aches and pains were gone while I did it. Now my work is truly to find all the places that I still carry grievances – write them down and allow this Light That We Are to shine through them.

Even if my body may die from this energy, no harm is done to the Truth that I am, and experienced yesterday

I accept my innocence and accept it in everyone

This is my experience:

When you say “yes” to fear, it does not mean that it is real and dangerous – it means only that you don’t resist that the presence of fear-energy seem to be here. You say absolute no to the stories inside the fear – the content of it. I am here as Presence – and I remember my Creator.I am One with my Self, a perfect reflection of God’s Perfection – and it is from This the yes comes: the fear comes from me choosing to believe in the separation thought, finding the made-up story about the separate me valuable ( more valuable that Reality). I now can forgive myself for dreaming this – and choosing again: I use the Quan Yin-ian cocoon in the meditation to take it in and transform it.

 “Trials are but lessons which you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain which what you chose before has brought to you.”
-A Course in Miracles

And now: truly transparent art – Mitsuko Uchida plays Schumann: Gesänge der Fruhe, Opus 133

Heaven

The nights are still filled with overwhelming energies through the body –

but when the day comes and I get out of bed, suddenly there is an awareness this this has nothing to do with me. It is stuff  leaving me – myriads of thoughts that I have believed belonging to “me”, now seen as “phantoms” trapped in a false reality, on a screen – and as long as I give them attention and seriousity, I give them power to “live” –

but what I am, is the vast space of being behind this screen

This morning, the Love was all encompassing – and I saw that the stuff in the body still did its thing, but i didn’t mind – it was not serious –

Heaven

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)

*

Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.

*

As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.

 

Take care of yourself

Practicing “The Untethered Soul”-way  has flowed easily and with grace. It has been simple to experience my Self as the Observer, the Witness – and not getting involved in whatever the mind presents. I love Singer’s way of describing the practice – he tells us to watch us watch, and not get involved in what we watch – “don’t play with it” he says, and this sentence is written in gold for me.

I have needed to make an important distinction – when to play/engage in stories and form and when NOT.

As artist  and therapist embracing  all art modalities,  I know that all CAN be played with. That is what “Healing Crisis – 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” is all about. You may read more about that work on this blog, where I present the 4 books I am in the process of self-publishing.

What I discover with Singer’s process is that as soon as darkness wells up, just as energy, I can relax physically and intentionally let it go. That has worked phenomenally for a couple of days. I have found that if I get the impulse to paint or dance or writes stories/poems to deal with the pain, that is excellent – it is fun! and effective! -But sometimes it is simpler just to release it. What becomes clear is that my Self wants me to enjoy the process and not “work” at it.

So yesterday it was just impossible to stay in the watcher-position. I wrote this poem instead –  being conscious that I want the underlying message to come through: the art of  hiding any outer signs of protest or distress, so the facade seems completely flawless. You find it in all families where the demon of perfection is a member.

 

Doll

My mother has sewed a national costume for me.I wear an embroidered bonnet on my blond hair, and  a white cotton blouse with wide sleeves under the embroidered costume.

She has sewed at night to finish it in time for my performance .She has even made one for my doll Anne too.

Anne belongs to me

I am a clever and talented little girl: I make poems and melodies and perform them from a stage at my school closure, accompanying myself on a little accordion. My parents sit very close to me. They will let me know every error I made afterwards. This is love.

Under the dress, allergic itching boils cover all of the body – except for my face and hands which is visible.

Afterwards my father tells me that I should have sung with more feeling.

So I accepted where I was and took care of myself as best I could. And had a wondrous dream:

I am visiting a School for Teachers. I am there to teach – the old technique my husband had taught me on how to create puppets,  more than 100 years old. When I entered the infinite corridor of the school, where discoveries and observation and play was happening everywhere – (no blackboards) I felt hilarious with joy. And I decided that I would happily leave my old tradition.

I visited many classrooms, and everywhere I felt  the same joy of exploration and inclusion. Nobody – absolutely nobody were excluded in the creative process, and it was a matter of course that everyone’s input was invaluable. This created an exquisite feeling of unity and joy.

Then I met a strong and exuberant man called Benner – or something like it. He had this great motor bike, and I hopped on as passenger. Complete freedom! We are now driving down a muddy slope, and before us lays the ocean. Oops  – is this safe? I decide that it is: that Benner knows what he is doing.

And there we are, flying across the water surface with immense speed. We fly so fast that the nature is starting to seem flurry – the forms dissolve and becomes light. We flow through a tunnel of this light, the beauty  and joy is indescribable.

In this school, it was demonstrated that the most joyous work came out of the structure that everybody’s inputs were valued.The Self was playing with Itself, and if a “part” of the Self had a sense of “No, not like that”, that sense belonged to the truth of the process and was just picked up  by that part. And the result was perfection – but the perfection in Self and not in  separate self, as the Doll-poem was about.

 

 

 

 

Dare to believe what you know

Morning. Sameol sameol pain.Clear thought:

I know that God has not created pain, discomfort,fear,grief,anger,guilt. I have – or seem to have – to defend the story of a separated special me.

This moment I sense the strong belief that God did NOT create it, so it is just an idea of pain and separation in my mind.

*

Now, dear reader, imagine an instant image of complete blue – you know the image of a sea completely devoid of stirrings of wind, and the skies are without horizon. You are in the middle of this. There are no sounds, but the fullness of Something is immense. Somehow it dawns on you that you are this – you are looking at an outer image of an inward condition.

The pains are gone. The constrictions around the chest are gone.

*

I get up and start my day.  Call the Tax Dep. in order to complain for the 3 time of something  that is my right and have not got.  Give the answering machine a message that they can call me back when one of their consultants is ready.Breathe the Presence Process -way for 5 minutes  – that’s all I can muster before i feel cold and dizzy. Then I start to BE with the discomfort i feel in the body at having to make these calls to the Tax Office – to firmly stand on my rights and claim what belongs to me.

I have a thought: oh maybe i could be disturbed by the phone if I do this presence-being-with-fear now.

Calm on inside: just start.All is well.Trust.

The fear is ice-cold, clutching something hard,hard to breathe. Just being with it without condition starts a melting, like spring melting ice in Spring. Funny sensations/ green new sprouts spring up in many parts of the body, and in ten minutes the Spring is definitely on the way.

I take a deep breath, and the telephone from the Tax Dep. comes, perfectly timed by Presence. The lady finds out what has happened with my case: they have accepted my claim, but forgotten to send me the papers that confirm it.  I ask her to give me her word that she will see to it. She smiles yes.

I hear Blue: “You know, you have a rule that things has to happen three times for them to be valid and real.”

I do. I really have that belief. Those papers had been in order from 6 weeks after i complained the first time – but they could not be sent out, since i had not complained 2 more times.

Once is enough:)

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: