Taking Flight

I wrote this almost one year ago, and want to place it here as a reminder to myself and anyone who might have lost the connection with our sacred Heart

The body is a strange machine
that acts from age old patterns in a mind
that are not necessarily my own, but borrowed
and manipulated by its own incessant need
to keep itself alive and working in the
same old ways that lulls it in into
patterns of a false security
that I and me are actually
separated from the you and yours
in much important ways – now breathe

And still I tend to think my mind is
very special and uniquely my own
while some of it may actually come from
the woman on the bus just recently
who in a very angry voice condemned
the human race of being selfish while she
herself were always tending to her nearests’ needs

and there I lost it, yes I did
and cannot find myself cause all ideas

are simply caught in fogs of helplessness

and fear of rest and presence, yes –
since most what happens here, that makes me
into someone who knows MORE than you
and boast about it, getting bits of almost peace
but not enough to breathe with lungs that
want to sing or scream or make of me

a spectacle of giggly joy

and maybe too, some kind of a butterfly that lands on someone’s nose and makes them
sneeze and smile and lift from earth
on wings they never knew they had
but now they yawn and smile and greet
each other as the old and sweetest siblings.

that they never knew they had

and here you are and there you are
and yes you smile
’cause there is simply nothing that is
more essential to the heart
than this

Credit: Samuel Austin on Unsplash

Healing old memories of oral abuse

Pain in the neck –

Do you ever have one? I have one – and it is now identified, seen as neutral and can evaporate.

IS vaporizing.

Writing this, I sense the freed energy moving down into the lungs and heart and abdomen – while I yawn and yawn and yawn.

I can see the frenzy of that energy wreaking havoc throughout its journey: the neck – back of the head – now I can sense there is a whole kind of de-frosting starting there and spreading. Big nausea – welcomed.

Forgiving the whole pattern, forgiving the echoes made throughout the body, faithful body, doing it’s very best to deny it all and repress the energy into the mouth and the teeth. “This is NOT NOT NOT real, go away image, go away imprint, this is not happening to ME:”

It happened to the body – and so I identified the body with ME.

But in A Course in Miracles, I learn that the body is NOT who I am – I am Spirit, healed and whole and innocent.

For each big yawn now, the neck and body are releasing the physical energy

It feels – exquisite.

Now I know why I lost my beautiful soprano! – The energy of singing sent the vocal cords into vibrating and made the whole singing area a disaster-area. It opened up to the memory I had shunned, sounds that must not be heard, cries that were forbidden.

My soprano was spectacular. I lost something extraordinarily beautiful.

And I recognize that the venom and deep disrespect of women that the semen contained, the very energy of that, is what REALLY had to be repressed and denied – seeing my female soul and body as disgusting, a container for that disgust.

And of course, the child thought this disgust had to do with her.

No wonder the singing had to stop.

Now, the singing may be on its way back it seems – it may take long time

I don’t care

I am free

I am as God created me

****

I tried to find an image of a girl singing – and all I got was performing girls with mics and costumes

you have to visualize this one for your self :

about 4 years old – standing outside in a meadow – summer – and just singing because the beauty needs to be expressed

Sunbeam and Wave

Photo from Shutterstock


 
 
 
 
 
 

Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊
And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object.
I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.”
And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story:  you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)

I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it!  LOL

And this insight-angel embraced me:

Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.

And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they  MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back

Marcos Paolo Prado, from Unsplash

*** from his Way of Mastery-course

 

Metal and Grief

Hi all – I have been in a state of energetic hold lately that is simply hellish. After many hours I remembered  to open my own book at the night table – When Fear Comes Home to Love –( see right column) and found the answer – which for the thousandth time or more tells me that it is not the emotions/feelings/pain/energy  that is the problem – it is the way I identify with /relate  to all of it.  The words in italics come from Blue, my inner guide.

 

This is not YOURS – it is mind stuff. It is a force field generated by the collective unconscious. Within this force-field is your denied protest and forbidden anger from your childhood and youth – completely cut off from your awareness. Please note that you carry insane anger from your father and your other tormentors too. Your denial of the energy – “this does not happen” – demonizes it and attracts negative entities and thought-forms. This is nothing special about you: all humans unwittingly add to the demonic fields by judging and repressing their negative feelings, instead of just feeling them. Just start to notice the sensation of “me” and “my” in connection to feelings: this structure, this identifying with the “someone” you think you are – the ego – creates the darkness .The ego thrives on this. Just notice the energy of the anger now, without telling yourself it is YOURS – just forgive all that drama. You don’t have to DO anything – just notice it as it is in the body: ”ah – anger “– and see “the demonic” fall away like dirty old snow. It will have nothing to stick to any longer, as soon as you give up identification with it
***

After reading this, I was led to Eden Energy Medicine website – a group where we can share what needs to be healed/transformed and helped by Eden Practitioners. There were two videos there that helped me move out of that horrible vortex of hopelessness, and so I wanted to share it with my readers.

here is Prune Harris:

and here is Melanie Smith:

Much love!

Trust and Faith

This morning I succeeded in breathing divinity into my body, and the sweetness and warmth was indescribable. This is rare for me – mostly meditations are interrupted by defense parts who gets irritated – now there was no interruptions from the mind.

The sweetness  reminded me of one of my favorite arias – Voi che sapete from Figaro’s Wedding – sung by the incomparable Maria Ewing.

And I love how the Contessa – Kiri te Kanava – looks at him…

You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.
What I am experiencing I will tell you,
It is new to me and I do not understand it.
I have a feeling full of desire,
That now, is both pleasure and suffering.
At first frost, then I feel the soul burning,
And in a moment I’m freezing again.
Seek a blessing outside myself,
I do not know how to hold it, I do not know what it is.
I sigh and moan without meaning to,
Throb and tremble without knowing,
I find no peace both night or day,
But even still, I like to languish.
You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.

Dissociation – or Going Trough the Ice

I found this on Google images -photo taken by SeeWhatEyeSee. This is a good image of how it FEELS to be in that ice cold spot where you are seen, but nobody cares about it

In non-dualism (A Course on Miracles) we are One mind – seemingly spread out as 7 billion humans and a zzzillion of others beings – the One wanting the experience Itself as all of creation. I have found the old adage “As within, so without” to be precise and workable for me in my daily life.

So this One – expressed as me / Leelah – takes much joy and giggles from playing with everything showing up for her growth. Today, as I randomly picked a page on one of my many small notebooks, I found this about BEARS:

“:But their hidden strength lies in the bear’s ability to travel between the psychical and spiritual worlds, a talent that is recognized all around the world by those who live in harmony with nature.

One way that bears access their inner world in during hibernation when they find a safe and womb-like environment to let their physical bodies rest while their spirit travels. They travel through time, mentally digesting and learning from their experience, but they also travel beyond the realm of mind and body into the dreamtime, where they are able to be rejuvenated by the source of all life. In this sacred space, they are connected to physical, mental and spiritual realms all at once and can find the balance that they need to re-enter the world.”

This capacity I have also found in the Essene tradition – the one Jesus grew up within. In books about that tradition, their mysteries and spiritual explorations, I read about the spiritual practice -meticulously trained through years – to revitalize their bodies as they lie inside holy structures, like pyramids, guarded by priests and priestesses. In the book, “Anna – grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong, you can read about this in detail.

SO in mu notebook, I saw that bears travel like this too – revitalizing themselves. Aint that something!

I looked at the Teddybear in my bed and smiled.

And thought about a split of / dissociated part of me – which I have described in When Fear Comes Home to Love – an image I have found in all my patients: A small child, living in a hole in the ice – the image of deep repression of needs and overwhelming pain and trauma.

To heal this inner archetypal part, takes tremendous love, loyalty, and time – and playfulness, I have noticed. So now I looked at my Teddy and wondered if s/he could be a surrogate for the inner child.

Being a surrogate for another is a well known method for those who work with healing and see ourselves as beings of spirit -knowing that we truly are ONE in spirit. I can intend to “embrace you ” spiritually and “ work” on you  within MY body – I serve as your surrogate.

So I asked the inner ice-child if she would consider me working on her THROUGH Teddy. She said yes.

And so I took Teddy and did some energy procedures on her – and felt the results in MY body.

MAGIC!:)

Some procedures were instantly success – warmth and peace enveloped us ( the inner girl.) Others that I /Leelah love, did nothing for her – demonstrating that the dissociated part’s nervous system is not the same as mine –  our disowned parts live under slightly different laws than our physical body.

I LOVE how life constantly amuses me and refreshes me.

Who Dies?

This is the poem I described in a reply to Kathy yesterday – it was part of my main paper in the Expressive Arts Therapist education. (Bragging: I now have the great title as Supervisor. People have not bragged so much about me, so I use any opportunity I get.)

In order to spare your necks reading this, here is the poem in a neck-saving form.

 
Who dies?
 Who lives and suffers and cries in pain?
 Leelah is in pain. Who is Leelah?
 Leelah is a seeker.  A teacher. A mother. A healer. An artist. A what-ist?
 A witch – a bitch -  a Madonna -a whore.
 Who says this? Who writes?
 Who wants this to be beautiful?
 A voice in me
 Who is me ?
 Who is listening to what who is writing
 Who is writing what?
 What is writing who?
 Who is what is who really is –
 Who is confused now
 I am that I am
 Who says this
 Who is blocked now
 Who is judging that that blob a “bad”
 Leelah is. Who is Leelah?
 Leelah is a seeker. A lover. A lover
 Who is loving Leelah?
 Who is Leelah loving?
 Love is who-ing Leelah.
 Who is love? Who is writing?
 Who is here – witnessing- smiling –
 Who is seeing the smile
 Who is who is who is
  
 IS-ness
  
 Nobody is dying
 Body is dying
 Dying Is
 IS-ness 
*****

I so love that the center space was exactly the right size for the last words.

I got the idea to send this poem to the Levines, whose books I had loved and read to pieces for years – and they replied and told me they laughed – and then we continued writing for years. Both Ondrea and I had cancer at the same time

I wrote When Fear Comes Home to Love, ( see right menu) and asked them if they would write a blurb? Ondrea told me that she read it loud each night ( here I am bursting with pride and joy, please excuse me), and Steven allowed me to use a piece of a seminar he gave about forgiveness and abuse.

Here is what they wrote:

“Leelah says ‘we are not the story, we are the light filled loving space the story floats in.’ Leelah is this space; her writing is a precious resource for the heart and mind. The Tibetans speak  about the priceless gem, the ageless doctrines of truth; such are the gifts of the teachings found in her fine book.” — Stephen and Ondrea Levine, bestselling authors of Embracing the Beloved, A Gradual Awakening, Who dies and Healing into Life and Death.

Dear Kathy – thank you for wanting to hear about this 🙂

I Can’t Breathe – and it is a Blessing

I started this blog 10 years ago to describe my path back to normal. And realize normal does not exist in any other way than a comparison with not-normal – which does not exist either. Chucking out the window! Being replaced with Love.

These love-images are: Stephen Levine – and old teacher and friend

The green heart is a photo my cellphone took by itself as I was passing this moss-covered stone

The cat I call The Jesus Cat 🙂

And then, Quan Yin – isn’t she lovely

I still have to learn a lot about the new WordPress-version,as you can see

Today’s post is dedicated to all those readers who have inexplicable  bodily symptoms and  may now and then wonder if you have a forgotten twin somewhere –  an alter persona.

Through over 50 years of active exploration I have found that I have such a one – and that she has her own distinctive personality, centered around  repeated traumas from early years. The feelings and needs were repressed, judged and denied – and very effective split off from the personality and now seen as “not-me.” Dissociation is the technical term.

When I searched in my virtual dictionary for “technical term”, a  wonderful synchronicity happened: I got a whole list of words that all could be metaphors for this dissociated archetypal art in the subconscious:

stone fruit, drupe

coagulum, clot, thrombosis

boil, furuncle, carbuncle

tail feather, rectrix, feather

 proboscis, trunk, nose, schnozzola

In  “When Fear Comes Home to Love” she has got her own chapter – we explore this part in my patients through case-stories, painting, movement, storytelling and poetry, where she is allowed full expression creatively.  And now she has lately come forth in dreams in a way that allows me to SEE her as a PART OF MY BODY.

 Until I fully recognized her as this child that I once was, I saw her as symptoms – very annoying and repeating symptoms that no doctor could help me with.

Now, the last two days, I have been given symptoms that I recognize as hers: 1) strong leg-cramps 2) inability to breathe – feeling like lungs collapse.

Now, I have a so-called “dark mass” in my lungs that doctors tell me is malignant – but they also tell me that it is not cancer and not dangerous

I believe “she” has created this – an absolute refusal to breathe fully as she grew up. This decision led to deceased lungs, and to a very successful repression for 35 years.

But now I have seen her with nothing but love – and she has FELT that she has been discovered and seen kinaesthetically.

So yesterday I wrote about the cramps that immediately disappeared when I stopped reacting and judging them – I recognized them as hers and immediately comforted her instead.

Today my lungs collapsed for a moment – and again, I knew it was HER. I told her OF COURSE you would not breathe. Instantly the breath returned.

The magic that happens when i do this is that I incorporate her now – “she” feels and knows she has been seen and loved, and because of my full acceptance, the body receives her as a gift.

I am so thrilled by this process!

Vandalized Wood

My hundreds of years old wood

I love the way it felt like going through a tunnel, the light playing on the trunks

Yesterday I went for a hike in my beloved wood, close to my home.

It was not there. It had been cleared – lumbered – and as I walked through the familiar path, the views were now open – and the scars were everywhere.

It was a shock  –  MY wood had been vandalized!

Now you might read the description of the wood like your own inner wood/soul landscape – like C.G Jung would.

I felt like all my safety and support had been shaken up and pulled up – like my entrails  now was hanging out of my mouth – sorry for that graphic image folks –

I was talking to my daughter in my cell phone as I walked, and I noticed how cool I was describing it – hmm I will feel this deeply when I come home, I knew.

I share this, since I have understood that many of my readers have been abused in some way – and some of them are bi-polar – so they will be able to pick up the healing energy as they read the post through, and BE HELPED just by hooking into the energy of forgiveness and healing of abuse of any kind.

I believe I have come into this incarnation to do just that – clear the structure of archetypal pain of “the victim” on as many levels as I can.

As soon as one of us chooses to see our wounds with love and forgiveness, that healing is AVAILABLE for all – and now it is up to everyone to truly accept it for themselves. That has taken 76 years in this life for me

As a therapist since 1988 – and supervisor for 20 years -I have gathered mine and my patients’ healing experiences in my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Take a breath here

I felt very bad at home – and was convinced it was COVID-19: I was feverish and it was REALLY hard to breathe. It lasted all day and much of the night, and in the morning, I called out for Anna – Jesus’ grandmother – who always for some wonderful reason has been infinitely close.

I invited her to breathe with my lungs, and in a minute or two all the symptoms were gone.

So I asked: Where have I vandalized a landscape as vast and wonderful like this wood?

Ahh – it was my inner wood I had vandalized.

I immediately recognized it:

This happened when I returned home when I was about 4 years old and hade been brutally abused in a wood close by.

 I got home, I don’t know how, and rang the bell. My mother came out and SAW me – there was a terrified look on her face as she SAW what had happened –

and then she turned it into something I had wrong wrong – ripped  and soiled my clothes.

In that shattering moment when I understood that I would NOT be comforted – I could NOT share what had happened and my experiences of it – the inner vandalizing started. I told myself this must be something fundamentally WRONG with me – and my salvation was of course to start bettering everything about me.

That procedure was in itself a recipe for self hatred.

Here is in short the forgiveness-process that Jeshua gives in the Way of the Heart.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)

“Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)

I made a choice in that moment – to squeeze out any inner signs for needs – like comfort, like “being saved.” Because, said my mind, my mother surely HAD TO BE RIGHT – I had to trust my mother.

And this glorious night, as I used the forgiveness formula with Anna present – breathing through me – I watched the image of the two of us dissolve in light and disappear from my mind. I saw the innocent light around and in  us both – and I recognized our soul contract: – she and my father had soul-signed up to play these roles for me, so I at last in this incarnation could get a good hold of it all, look at it with love, forgive it and let it go. ***

***

I have been working with this theme for over 30 years. It has taken a lot of work and stubbornness to get to this place.And the trees had grown REALLY tall and the Light had trouble getting in to it.

My daughter suggested in the phone that I might return and present the de-lumbered wood with gifts. I see myself walking through it and singing and dancing to it – giving my energy to the place which is now open to new growth.Most important – now LIGHT can reach all the way down to the very ground.

I hope this experience has done this with me: cleared me out for receiving LIGHT all the way down to my very roots

And here are som more photos of the old wood:

 

You can see the light blue spot to the left – that is a broader hiking trail to the top of the mountain. Now all the trees you see here are cut down. There is free access to the main path to the top 🙂

VALUE

Please feel free to substitute any religious names with what works for you.

Value is the same as worth. All the posts from October 5 turn out to be about sexuality – and healing the scars from a childhood of abuse from a Jekyll and Hyde-father. With that I mean a person who is severely split in in personality – the “day part” may be astonishingly creative, beautiful, kind and fun – and the Hyde-person is something he switches into, is “taken” by. This us such a tremendous switch in the personality that the child too instantly splits off, and this splits the rest of the family too.

I can see how it looks energetically now – like a mist that hides everything inside it, and the whole family become carriers of this mist – they simply all go into complete denial of its existence.

More of that in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

I am now 76 years, and I marvel at the journey I have made, embodying the crushed child and her bodily memories and scars from the abuse. All the denial of this made  frequent  illnesses as reminders from the body: urinary infections, ( something down there HURTS and I must not know what it is) lungs that were afraid of breathing fully ( that brought up feelings,)  sinusitis ( must not cry, must not become aware that I am sad) lower back pain ( I can not carry this anymore – and I can not carry MYSELF) urticaria (the whole of body screaming from denial with all its pores) osteoporosis ( I can not keep this body strong and upright.) Scabs – pointing to the underlying belief that I am unworthy, ugly, unappetizing.Crazy nailbiting! And of course, deep pain everywhere, and tensions Oy vey is mir

This brings me to the latest book I am reading: “ UNORTHODOX – the scandalous rejection of my Hasidic roots” by Deborah Feldman. What this marvellous woman does is openly describing the deep wounds in the psyche when our true femininity is forced into adjusting to centuries old rules and rituals of patriarchy. Throughout the book she seems to experience it all on/ through/ her body – and as I read it, I recognize all her patterns in myself. Which brings these oldest repressed signs up to the surface – a new urinary infection.

Earlier, I got antibiotics. This time I wow to heal the beliefs I have that has set this off – and it is all about hating my body, my sexual parts, believing I must deserve this.

I have The Way of the Heart on the night table and need only open it randomly to find the exact words I need to forgive my own intense subconscious self-hatred at my sexual parts.

“Darkness … As the journey that you’re on begins to end, you will come to see that darkness is nothing more than a part of your own beingness which has been neglected and not loved. For when you love what you perceive as darkness, you reclaim it as a part of yourself. And by loving it, you transform it. And the power you had given it by separating it from you, returns to you where it truly abides.

(p5) Is there a difference between what could be called darkness in the realm in which you live and move and have your being, seemingly as a body in space and time, and that which you call the astral realms? No! Everything exists right where you are. For you abide as fully on those realms as you do sitting on the floor in this moment. An astral realm is made such only because you have withdrawn your awareness of it and sought to constrict it merely into the physical dimension. – – – For those many forces and beings that seem to reside in realms unseen, called by many an astral realm, the strategy, if you will, is perfectly identical. It is one and the same thing, because only Love can heal.

So I did that, and the extreme stinging smarting around my sexual area abated, as I breathed LOVE into it and surrendered the HOW to the Holy Spirit.

***

I got permission from Jayem – the scribe of The Way of the Heart – to quote the books here. He actually told me he loves what I am doing here 🙂