preparing for a New Year

Thank you, everyone who has followed me in 2010

Ending it with an artist who lived inside music and made each composer sound new:

Here is Glenn Gould playing Aria from the Goldberg Variations by Bach

loving – being blessed

I am seeing a pattern in my dreams the last 14 days: I am visiting different cultures, observing the rituals and art – they all feel very real, just as real as I feel now, typing this with MY fingers…

I have started going down on the medication slowly, and the night was filled with the old anxiety again – this time I dealt with it the Sedona way – allowing it to be as it is, and afterwards, checking if I could let it go/not judging it – and it went! whoa! I also used some time with feeling resistance, and allowing  myself to have it – that dissolved much of it.

Then I had a marvelous dream. I was some where in Norway with my daughter, then age 17 I think – there was a kind of farm with people with Maori-blood. The energy around them was pure, vigorous, sacred, honest,deeply honoring the old ways of  Maori-adoration of nature as divine.The feeling of One-ness in the group is total. I am looking at a group of the young vibrant Maori men. They are weaving branches together in a sacred ritual of movements: slinging the branches in a controlled way up in the air, and the branches sort of click into each other in the correct pattern – a pattern that is sacred. It looks like sort of elegant small canoe – but it turns out to be a bow, I think. The weaving pattern is age-old and houses a special energy – and it is beauty beauty beauty and perfection, just like watching God create.

Later in the dream, I look at the bow again – and now, a young and healthy doe is weaved into the branches. It is warm and alive.

I am completely happy in this community. My two cats are participating in the culture. They know exactly what to do 🙂

It seems that my daughter has been with the community for a long time. She is now dancing a circle-dance, demonstrating it. I enter the circle and follow the instructions. It is very easy for me – this dancing is in my blood, I can just relax and allow the dance to dance me. My body enjoys it tremendously, and feels invigorated and young. The vibrations reverberate in my body.

The food is delicious and healthy and honors its source. Everything done in this culture honors the Source and Oneness: there is no hierarchy – all knowledge comes from the divine within.

*

While writing the last sentence, I look at a pink spot on a blue gray dark sky. I go out o n the veranda, and see a huge crowd of birds. The flow in a wonderful pattern in a circle between the trees – again and again – then they move in front of my eyes, and much closer – I am looking at something sacred, shivers are going up my spine – I feel a tremendous love for the birds and their dance – and in one second the now tight cloud of birds disperse – just like  New Year’s firework – tears are flowing and I say thank you – and then they’re gone

do you want a talisman?

So we are close to the end of the year, and I am having problems with my medication. Quetiapin it’s called, and quiet I am not. Dizzy, constipated and feeling in a daze..I think I will stop this pill and maybe find another.

It also has a huge impact on my dream life. Many nights I have been so happy – so much fun! Yesterday I dreamt in vivid detail that I was pointed out to do a big painting project – and all the teachers of the Academy were sure  only I could pull this off (whatever this was.) I woke up, feeling loved and appreciated and thinking maybe, just maybe I can go for my brushes again without throwing up. But the dreams this morning – (shudders)…I was in Indonesia somewhere, in a large house with no doors, everybody could just come in, and they did – a large assembly of “Witch Doctors”…or maybe alternative healers. Their costumes were fantastic and colorful – lots of feathers and painting – and they were offering the people living in the house “Amulets” against dark forces. These guys looked a lot like “dark magicians” themselves, and I declined and declined,I did not need amulets.

But there I was, I fell for one all the same – it looked so intricate and beautiful, made from carved bone, oh so delicate it felt in my hands…

Outside of the house I showed it to my daughter (she was 11, as she was when she lost her father  – hm) she was feeling lost, and I showed her my new Talisman – then it started to produce sounds, it was picking up radio-waves, since it was built almost like the snail-house inside the ear – and then I did not like it any longer: I am picking up far too much already, don’t need an extra gimmick for that…

Waking up, I still felt the atmosphere of a sort of frenzy from this group of “healers” who believe in dark and evil spirits – and this atmosphere, I realized, came from the medication – I realized that it opened up the lower astral level  very effectively – and if there is nothing I want, that’s it!

Now, there is only two things I can do: judge as an expression of fear, or forgive as an expression of love. Would I be willing to see the “witch-doctors” differently? Sure – if I felt myself anchored in Love …

I see how I have set this up: to validate I am a body who need talismans to defend itself from being swallowed by darkness and going to eternal hell – the story of my whole childhood and youth –

I can forgive it instead: allowing the feelings to be here – allowing the feelings of resistance to be here also. Doing it as a write, sensing how the feelings of dread melt away, when the fear and dread is not believed in – could I let it go, and allow the H.S?

YES

would I be willing to?

YES

when?

NOW

being the space

sitting with an open space for Love…just choosing to be that space, the results may not be the most important, the choosing of sitting and be available is –

just sensing the fear of love, and letting it be there, even welcoming it –

 

who is dreaming

So strange, this dream in the morning…I was viewing a staging of a dramas, and the actors and audience were moving from place to place. It was a drama about Auschwitz …I saw the delicate stage-model, size 1:50 in detail – lots of “separate limbs” in white plaster hung up, it looked intricate and surreal …

at one instance, an actor was facing me directly – two meters distance – our eyes locked, and I knew he saw that I saw that he only acted – he was not real – and in this moment when he discovered he was being  seen as  just an actor, there was such a tremendous strong energy between us…I hid my eyes instantly, knowing that he could not go on pretending to be real if I really “saw” him…and then I woke up –

very Coursey dream, isn’t it

my problems – my pride

“It’s mine, that’s why.” Pride is a shifty emotion. For we don’t only feel proud of our accomplishments, we also get really hooked into being subtly proud of our problems.We feel so special for having them. This pitfall on the path to freedom may take the form of feeling proud of having prevailed even with the problem, proud of having borne it for so long, or proud of having a problem that is unique to us alone.
Keep an eye open for pride. Look at your problems as you release on them, and check to see if you feel they make you “special.” If you find any pride and you can honestly admit it and let it go, then you’ll find yourself free to let go of the problem, too.

This is from “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin – a marvelous book I use to practice the Course and refresh the Coursish terms. The Sedona Method goes so very well with the practice of the Course for me.

Kumar

I have these vivid and intense life-like dreams lately – seems to have something to do with the new medication. I want to post them here, so I can see the theme ( my dreams have shown to have clear themes, as long as I faithfully write them down – done it most of my long life.) I wonder if I lately are being visited by reincarnational happenings – :

I am in a dark cellar. No lights – but my eyes get acquainted to the darkness, and slowly I find my way out. I now find my way up to the place where I live with a group of people. Someone there tells me to go to town and find the regression-therapist who lives and practices there  – I need to heal an execution-memory that I have in my subconscious.

I don’t want to go there alone, and without a car – I am so tired lately. A man tries to overpower me and talk me into going, I choose to say no to him – suddenly a man is there, and I know inside that he was the executioner in that incarnation. he is gentle, I like him, and it is not difficult at all to forgive him. Now he says: “My name was Kumar.”

Wikipedia:

Kumār (Sanskrit: कुमार; meaning child (of Skanda, the Hindu God of War) is a title, a given name or a family name native to South Asia.

Wow. Son of the war-god, now become so gentle. That seems auspicious, me thinks!

When he says his former name, my nervous system reacts strongly – I pull up one leg of my pants, and show Kumar that my hair on the leg is standing up.

“I am ego-ing”

How refreshing – to change to see the ego as a verb – suddenly I feel more responsible when it comes to choosing it or not: somehow I don’t feel so dirty rotten guilty when it is a verb…

Our exploration of ego would be more fruitful if we stopped using the word as a noun, which immediately implies some “thing,” and instead thought of ego as a mental process that can occupy our attention. For this, a verb is a more appropriate part of speech. I am “ego-ing.”

The difference is subtle, but very important. If I see the ego as a separate self, some thing, then it’s easy to fall into the belief – common in many spiritual circles – that I must get rid of my ego, transcend it, or overcome it in some way. But seeing ego as a mental process, a system of thinking that I get caught in, suggests that I need to step out of that mode of thinking and look at the world through a different lens, one less tainted by fear, insecurity, and attachment.

This is a much easier and more effective approach. Rather than berate myself (or my imagined ego) when I notice myself caught up in egoic thinking, I can notice instead what is going on and step back from it. This doesn’t mean I have eliminated that way of thinking – it will surely return. But when it does, I can choose to step out of it again. Transcending the ego thus becomes an ongoing practice rather than a far-off goal. (See also my “Prayer for Peace.”)

Excerpted from Peter Russell’s essay, “There is no such thing as ego,” first published in the December 2010 issue of Noetic Now, the online journal of the Institute of Noetic Sciences, located at www.noetic.org/noetic/.

With permission from the publisher. © 2010

 

 

a million-part of 1% yes is enough

ahhh..

I just received a mail from the Sedona method, which I have used before as a help for letting go (= accepting) everything that comes up – for me, an excellent way to stop resisting, and even welcome the resistance – then it usually disappears. Some time ago though, I got the (ego) idea to unsubscribe from the Sedona Community – gotta be a loyal Course-student, said the ego ( which means: do O N L Y the Course, and do it zealously.

What a blessing: surprised  I opened the mail from the Sedona community, telling me that they missed me, and invited me back to read what other persons wrote when they felt stuck – and I opened a 1-minute video by Hale Dwoskin,  reminding me that if I felt completely stuck, not being able to say yes to that – could I say yes to 1 % of the stuckness?

I tried that, and it said NO inside. I felt a little giggle and said to myself “could I be able to let go of the stuckness 1000-part of 1%?  ” yes” said something inside, and that yes, my friends, just started a relief that still goes on, 15 minutes later. Even my skin feels different. And it was not the one thousand part of 1% that did it – it was my simple choice for yes, my willingness to accept and not judge my state of mind just one tiny tiny bit – and that YES opened the forgiveness-door wide open.

This made me see how zealously my ego has worked to be an Acim student. I feel its fear of choosing whatever that is not called Acim – and how intellectual based that thought is.  Now, the Sedona-method takes me to the exact place I find myself when I forgive. And right now I remind myself that even Ken said it would be foolish not to mix two methods when they brought peace:

“In the end, however, if one’s spiritual path is enhanced by both the Kabbalah (Sedona) and A Course in Miracles, then who is to say that that is a mistake? “By their fruits you shall know them” remains the only criterion that matters. If the combined practice of these two spiritualities leads to a life of peace and love, then one would be a fool not to pursue it.”

The ego’s plan must have been to drive me so stuck into “the right way into the Acim study” that I would give it up – while now, I will just accept this ego one millionth part – and the release and accept is felt just as much as if I would have accepted it completely: the main thing is my YES – not how big this yes is. Yes is Yes, and He does the rest, as I am feeling right now.

And I give thanks for the electronic system not accepting my un-subscribing the Sedona. Again and again I am shown how fully I can trust the process.

The Sacred Child

Says Matthew Fox, in “Original blessing:” ”The divine and the demonic are very close together, only a thin line separates them/us. We who are indeed capable of divinity are also capable of the demonic.”

It is soon Christmas – I would like to share this story from my book,”When fear comes home to Love.”

The birth of The Holy Child threatened the kingdom of Herod .The Christed Self within us all threatens the reign of our inner ”Herod”, the ego.

At Winter Solstice, many years ago, I gathered a group of students to celebrate the newborn light. In my healing-room, I had created an altar on the floor: a deep blue rectangular cloth sprinkled with small golden foil-stars. An angel guards each corner. In the center a tall alter-candle, surrounded by a wreath of stars in silver and violet. When the group-members take their places, only three figures are present on the cloth: a Shepard with his long staff and a little lamb – and an angel who has called him to follow the star leading to the Child.

I present the Shepard as an image of man in harmony with nature and animals – man living and acting from instinct and heart, from a deeply felt interdependence with life. Our authentic Self.

Now I present the rest of the figurines belonging to the Christmas-mystery, one by one: ”please notice, inside yourself, how these characters live and are part of you – and which qualities they bring to the sacred event: Joseph…protective, fatherly, faithful. Deeply accepting his role as the head of his family and serving God. Never questioning his destiny. Mary…the motherly, nourishing…grace…innocence, willingness to serve. Her silent ecstasy by being the Chosen One to carry forth the Child and the new consciousness on earth. Through the Divine Feminine incarnates the Holy Child.

And now the animals…we sense them inside us: the motherly and faithful cows. The sheep, the lambs, the bull and the ass – they are all present when Truth is born. There are no false borders between the true humane and the animals.”

And now I place the tiny Jesus-figure in the crib: the pure love, the total trust, the one heart who embraces all. The joy, the innocence – the Sacred.

We are sitting in the circle in an atmosphere of unfathomable peace and SPACE. A Voice in me asks us to enter meditatively the stable where the Child is lying in the crib, and BE there with all our senses..

When I approach the stable, I am filled by breathless expectation. Time does not exist. The moment is eternal. The stable is so small – and so infinite in extension.(Space?) There is nowhere in the universe that this stable is not.

I hear small small sounds. They create a musical image: the creaking of the straw. The smack of the tails. A deep sigh. I smell the comforting smell of warm cow-bellies and fresh milk. I AM HERE. THIS HAPPENS NOW.

The Holy Child is lying naked in the crib. This clear brow! His eyes are open, peaceful. I have never in this body met such a look. His eyes are reflecting Heaven – I feel that all these eyes fall upon, must melt in love. I know beyond all doubt that this child is safe in the dragon’s den, he can meet the horror beyond all horrors – and all that is seemingly dark will yield and melt before this look: all disguises falling away, all illusions fading. These eyes can only see truth. See the essence behind the monster-mask and the dragon-hide.

I am filled with a burning wish to learn to see with the Child’s eyes – and I give this wish to the Child.

*

A couple of nights after this, my wish is fulfilled.

I awake at night, captured within an insane and destructive energy. I am mortally afraid. ”This time I am done for!” says fear. Further and further inward through the dark hellish caves,, then downwards through yet more abominable depths of horror. The visions are unfathomable gruesome.

Then I remember The Holy Child.

In that very moment I have Him in my arms, and see with His eyes. My heart and lungs expand, all is filled with light, all that is monstrous is melting in light, there exists nothing else but this light. Everything else is unreal, created by our own fear. I AM FREE. I know Who I am. He and I are one.

An unbounded relief and gratefulness fills me to the brim. Warm tears flow warmly and dissolve the fear and agony the muscles have contained. Everything these eyes look upon dissolves and reveals their true essence, which is love.

But living in the world and in the body has a way of letting you forget what you see for real. A couple of years later I sit in meditation in one of Denise Linn’s seminars – about to meet our main inner guiding principle. I am on the shore of a crescent beach, the sand is smooth and golden, the sun is caressing me. I am looking out toward the horizon: a vessel is gliding toward me. I can only glimpse its outline, the sun is so bright. – Now I see it is a shell – like the shell in the painting ”Primavera” by Botticelli. The inside is pale pink shimmering mother-of-pearl, with a rim of shining white! Like a halo. In the shell is my guide: it is the Holy Child! He sits like a little pink Buddha, laughing, holding a shiny, radiant transparent golden ball. It is made of light, but still seems to be material. The shell is sliding softly onto the sand, and he is holding the ball out to me: ”This is yours.”

I recall with a stabbing pain in my heart that I so often have failed to receive this Child . I have seen Him often, but told myself it is only imagination – or convinced myself that I am unworthy. The Child is not judging me. He is not reproaching me. I do not have to confess my sins and regret to win his love. ”Remember Who you are!” He says. ”You and I are One!”

”I will never forget.”

”You will forget again and again. And beyond time and space I am in reality always here and now. There exists nothing else but this now, and only fear takes you out of it. The fear is not real. I am.”