Disentanglement

I was this evening helped to see through that old role and identity of taking on others’ energy to “help” them – truly realizing that as long as I help from pity, we’re both screwed.

When I first truly honor my Self – my power, my God-given connection and identity, I can choose and intend to honor  the same intrinsic light in them, and honor their journey.

From here, I may or may not choose to send them love where they believe themselves to be – the victim of physical suffering/disease.

I found myself in such an entanglement with neighbors some days ago, and my energy system was filled with their identity with sickness and old age and victimhood. After Mary A Hall helped me see this, all their energy disappeared from me, I feel cleansed and healed and blessed. And the crazy energy of the false sufferer is GONE and PEACE is here

Oh the wonder of honoring the Truth

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Miracle Cell Phone

My new cell phone has lost battery power from the day i bought it. I have told it to mirror ONLY what is helpful, so I have seen this loss of energy as a sign to me to SLOW down, relax, walk, pause, rest.Today it topped its performance:
It refused to go past 77% uploaded. I charged and charged and to no avail – until it dawned to me – ohmygod it means 1977!


That’s when my first and only daughter was born – ahh – THAT’S the energy I currently have overwhelming me – a HUGE terror at being a MOM – and this morning I slowly meticulously walked out of it by stating that I wanted the GOD-essence within this terror and nothing else.

It was after having done this – and enjoyed the slow and powerful warmth that grew forth – that I understood that the cell phone-power status 77 WAS a message.

The cell phone is lying right here, charging from the PC. For 3 hours now it has refused to go past 77. The minute I realized it, it started going up.

Now I rest in 1977-energy, chaos and terror, calling out its essence fully, sharing it with you all.

And offering a playful poem I wrote in May this year – since that came from this playful essence we all share ♥

SPACE

My words have newly rained here
Now drying themselves up
In May sunbeams
Windows open in houses
Come in, come in!
I can’t and I won’t

Space, I say, Space!

They don’t hear me

SPACE!
I don’t live inside it
I offer myself to it
Becoming its hostess

Hostess I am:
Milky Way hair
Wolf eyes looking at pups
Savannah ears
Nose knowing of sub-terrain tunnels
Light-house lips
Sarepta hips
Breasts like surprised white lamb clouds
Sallow arms, Birch hands,
Legs like leaping Antelopes
Butterfly vagina
And kitten toes

You spot me and enter my Space
I can’t be had

Rainbow smile

And the cellphone is now 100% charged – just as I am 🙂

 

 

Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunflower in September

New experiences re the False Helper Syndrome– which is to me an unkind label: I prefer the Utterly Confused Helper. I am still using The Core Transformation process.

I have found that the defense parts are really willing to draw back and allow space when I acknowledge how life-saving they were when we put them in charge. Today I had a 30-40 of them sitting in a half circle 30 meters away. They had popcorn too.

I have found that instead of wants and desires, often needs are offered. I am working at finding the distinction between them.

The first need was:
I want you to fully listen what I feel and need – without saying ONE thing in  defense and without touching me.

next:

I want you to see when I am happy and let me be happy without commenting.

Next: I want to see that you feel/are safe, so I don’t need to take care of you. I want to KNOW that you have all the resources you need to feel safe and adult. Only THEN can I know what I feel

These steps were adamant for her to start going deeper:: first feeling anger/ rage – and then to be seen in her terror and fear, and never to be held: there is a deep understanding in the confused helper that as soon as s/he is HELD, s/he will feel the needs of the other – and her mandatory rule is “The other ALWAYS comes first when it comes to needs.”

I recently had an experience with a beloved friend – she is a psychiatrist – and when I expressed an agony she immediately embraced me – HARD – I could hardly breathe. All my self-awareness went swoop into her.

So there is a super strong automatic in the energy shift here, between a confused helper and the other.

The next next deepest desire or need was: “ I want you to acknowledge that you did not WANT to see what happened to me – without ANY explanations and any “OHHH I am so sorry” at all. As long as there is guilt, I will have nothing of it.”

The next deepest:

That you SEE Me – the Self – see the goodness, the love, the patience, the wisdom, the tenderness in this Self. That you see that all this happened, it is over, we don’t need to play these roles anymore. DONE

The deepest: That I KNOW with all of me that my worth is intrinsic, and never depends on how I help and serve others.

THERE was  and is the Peace of God.

The sunflower – I discovered it yesterday. It blooms right in front of my face when I go out – and it stands under a bush, so it has to bend forward  and then bend up  to catch the sun. What is so beautiful to know that somehow a sunflower seed decided to root there – and how did it get there?

The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

Shame – and infertility

Shame is part of the energy of separation: “there is something wrong with you.”

In the One Mind – us all as ONE -this strange idea seeped in  – that there could be an opposite of this One, an opposite of LOVE. And in the second where we, as Spirit, believed in this thought, separation happened – or seemed to happen

And I –  and we  – who want to wake up to our original state of Oneness – and stay there:) – know that when we identify with the dark feelings/energies, Oneness has gone – or better: we have left it.

Particularly when it comes to menstrual cramps, is this important to know – since shame is toxic, and when we identify with it (this goes for me too, of course)- attach a story about “me” to it – it turns against us and creates havoc with our inner and outer sexual organs – that now have the manifestation of something wrong and shameful and painful attached to it.

We then think it is ours – since we think we are this separated body, and not our true identity, which is abstract eternal Spirit. And what we think is ours, we protect.

So the pain stays until we are willing to consider  what we truly are – and from that Place, talk to that pain, that shame-infected part in the womb.

I  had  a women in therapy who could not have children – and just after a few sessions opened up to the pain that was deeply repressed about being unworthy as woman and shortly after, became pregnant. I truly see the magnitude of power our belief in shame has when it comes to  stopping women from becoming pregnant. It seems to me it is really the womb that believes it must stop life to come into it, since it is so shameful.

If you are a woman – consider how different it would feel to know that the energy of shame is not who you are – in fact, you can relate TO it with LOVE. Particularly  because you ARE it not, YOU can choose to beam Love into it. You don’t do this in order to heal it or change it – that would make that awkward energy of “trying to change things” – instead you are realizing that in the beginning, there was Light – and you were there, AS that Light within the Light.

This collective feminine shame of the womb and inner and outer genitalia – and even sexual feelings – nakedness – is in fact like a curse on the Divine Mother.

We all carry the archetype with us. Women identify with her, men relate to the archetype through their mother,sister and lovers. As long as we women haven’t healed our part of that collective shame, we will carry parts of it as menstrual cramps and  sexual related diseases.

So I was playing with this today, in a session – and  we saw  how deeply we identify with the pain. Instead of realizing that we ARE the witness of it: neutral, loving,all-accepting, who can never be changed or harmed. But because we know that, we can choose to send love in to the pain.

Not to change it or fix it – that intention creates a confused energy – we just set an intention to BE who we are – that Original Light, created in God’s image – and intend to beam a light from our heart into the pain.

We are not responsible to heal it. We just Love because Love is who we are, and we choose to beam this love just because it feels terrific.

And in that allowance, it becomes so clear  to me that the shame in itself is just neutral energy – believing the stories ABOUT it and saying “it is me or mine” creates the pain and maintains the separation.

 

The Know-it-all

Or, should we call him/her the Besserwisser, the Lecturer.

Yesterday I had a serious case of being besserwissed.(Ha, the word-corrector suggested blessed!:)) And it sure has turned out to be a blessing.

I asked a question to a teacher, and for over ten minutes he lectured and besserwissed and droned on, with great power and conviction. I felt: invisible – dropped – powerless- crushed –  intimidated – a stupid klutz. And angry.

I  subconsciously called that response out of him, so to at last see the pattern and heal it.

So this morning I went into the Observer mode of  the Spontaneous Transformation Technique: *** see below

Neutral, emphatic,patient, no agenda – just wanting to BE with this part that was lectured to. I told it I saw it ( it sat in my solar plexus): I am here. I am not going anywhere.I am in support of you.

There was a substantial relaxing response, showing me that this “part” had made the connection. It was no longer isolated and separated. And there is the first shift: awareness comes into this old pattern of victimhood: the one with no power, no voice.

So what was the advantage of that position? was my question – (I know that I can’t let go of anything that I think I am the victim of -) why did I need others to lecture me?

Simple. So that I could be the nonthreatening powerless one. The one who was not noticed, had no responsibility. The one who did not provoke status quo, the belief system/religion on the rulers – and who therefore was reasonable safe from being accused and burned at the stake or tortured by one of the zillion inventive was man has concocted.

I truly saw that this was  a CHOICE I had made: to shut down my true authentic voice and will. I have made that choice WITH the power that God has given us all – the one we have, being created in His/Her Image. So that choice to be powerless is mighty powerful!

So I had made my Universe, as Jennifer McLean teaches: we all made it from 1)the beliefs we made when small when we were hurt and traumatized – in my case: ” Life is dangerous if you talk back,if you say no. You are here to make others feel better.You do not count at all as YOU – you are a “wrong copy.”

And then life works like this: 2) we make our coping mechanisms to survive – based on these beliefs – and voila, this is our Universe now: I think/believe that I will not be respected – this is a “Universal Law” for me now, based on my beliefs based on my early experiences. And I will perceive the world THROUGH the filters that I put up – and people who enters my Universe will have no choice, they will turn up to disrespect me – until I  can forgive myself for these creations, and deeply honor and love the aspect of me who started this Universe.

When I encouraged that aspect of me to feel it all, there was tremendous fear from all the times this soul experienced torture – and most of all, all the times it spoke up and loved ones suffered the consequences of that. It’s all there, in the One Mind we all share – and what we all heal, seemingly on our own, we make available for us all to tap into and share.

These times, huge waves of awakening sweep over the planet – what was before tucked under, now comes up to confront us – (a reluctant thank you, Mr Trump!) – We can only heal what we allow ourselves to see, to forgive, to release. And my deep experience is that when I allow these old defense and protection-mechanisms to come up – to be seen, and HONORED for their way of protecting us from harm – then  my Universe mirrors THIS new view of me/my life/ back to me.

*** The Spontaneous Transformation Technique is a unique, therapeutic system of healing. You can read more under “Services.”

This is a healing way to deal with the energy that get trapped in our stories and traumas, and help it to unravel and transform, when it at last is looked at with love. This opens a space of great healing and allowing of what is – and from this space you can play and explore how you want your future to look – free from the old patterns.

1.session is free!

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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