Past

23 January

Wake up at 4am…usual crazy energies in the body. Inner Voice:

“You don’t need to go there anymore.”

Energies instantly gone – like a faucet turned off

Energies pop up around the vaginal opening. Voice:

“Maybe you don’t need to go there either.” Energies gone. Voice:

“Don’t drag the past with you. Let it go.”

I remember Emmanuel’s letter to me – by snail mail, 24 years ago:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? Simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

This morning – 24th of January – I also was prompted to flip the Course open, when the craziness was back and it did not disappear.How gracefully the Course always gives me exactly what I need to remember:

T-26.V.10. Would God allow His Son to lose his way along a road long since a memory of time gone by? 2 This course will teach you only what is now. 3 A dreadful instant in a distant past, now perfectly corrected, is of no concern nor value. 4 Let the dead and gone be peacefully forgotten. 5 Resurrection has come to take its place. 6 And now you are a part of resurrection, not of death. 7 No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death, a vault God’s Son entered an instant, to be instantly restored unto his Father’s perfect Love. 8 And how can he be kept in chains long since removed and gone forever from his mind?

T-26.V.11. The Son whom God created is as free as God created him. 2 He was reborn the instant that he chose to die instead of live. 3 And will you not forgive him now, because he made an error in the past that God remembers not, and is not there? 4 Now you are shifting back and forth between the past and present. 5 Sometimes the past seems real, as if it were the present. 6 Voices from the past are heard and then are doubted. 7 You are like to one who still hallucinates, but lacks conviction in what he perceives. 8 This is the borderland between the worlds, the bridge between the past and present. 9 Here the shadow of the past remains, but still a present light is dimly recognized. 10 Once it is seen, this light can never be forgotten. 11 It must draw you from the past into the present, where you really are.

T-26.V.12. The shadow voices do not change the laws of time nor of eternity. 2 They come from what is past and gone, and hinder not the true existence of the here and now. 3 The real world is the second part of the hallucination time and death are real, and have existence that can be perceived. 4 This terrible illusion was denied in but the time it took for God to give His Answer to illusion for all time and every circumstance. 5 And then it was no more to be experienced as there.

T-26.V.13. Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love. 2 And so you die each day to live again, until you cross the gap between the past and present, which is not a gap at all. 3 Such is each life; a seeming interval from birth to death and on to life again, a repetition of an instant gone by long ago that cannot be relived. 4 And all of time is but the mad belief that what is over is still here and now.

T-26.V.14. Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone. 2 You stand no longer on the ground that lies between the worlds. 3 You have gone on, and reached the world that lies at Heaven’s gate. 4 There is no hindrance to the Will of God, nor any need that you repeat again a journey that was over long ago. 5 Look gently on your brother, and behold the world in which perception of your hate has been transformed into a world of love.

 

 

At the movies

Jesus is telling me to go watch a movie. It is playing in the early afternoon, it is a small auditorium with 7 rows.

The movie is about a young man with a painful relationship to a distant father, and he has decided to hike in the mountains in the weekend to think about what he wants to do with his relationship with his wife and son, whom he himself is distant to.

I am sitting in the far back in the movie-theater, reading a magazine before the movie starts, when I notice that suddenly a man sits in front of me. I did not notice him coming in at all. he is just there – like popped up from nothingness.

The nervous system immediately goes into alarm.Here is what I have feared so many times – alone in a movie-theater with a strange man who  may attack and rape me.

Simultaneously with these thoughts, I hear faintly Jesus reminding me that these are stories, why not choose to remain, and instead of spinning out the old familiar disaster stories, just make a silent decree:” You are a child of God. I am a child of God. I declare that there has never been anything between us that Christed Love.”

My heart calms down and  I decide to stay.

We hear the main role’s thoughts as voice-over all through the movie:  the stories he spins out and believes in. We also see him masturbate twice- nothing left to imagination – and the second time  he masturbates to a porn-clip on his IPhone. Very graphic images and sounds.

I am watching this together with a man I have never seen ,we are alone in a room. There is definitely terror going on inside – and at the same time, the impulse to not run.

The man is completely silent, makes not a move during the whole movie.

When the final texts come up, I swift as a lightening collect my clothes and walk fast out of the room, without looking at him.

It is in the middle of the night the same day that I hear Jesus:

“I placed him there. -This is the sign that your old fantasies have been forgiven and healed, my love. He was just sitting still the whole time, in peace. Not behind you, controlling you. Not beside you, pesting you. Not turning around, checking you out. Just RIGHT in front of you – a step lower that you: YOU were in control.”

There are rushes of light pouring into me and through. I am done with these stories.

Thank you, Holy Spirit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Christ Smile

I do not do anything – Christ does it through me

Yesterday, both bus drivers were volatile and very out of balance. “Leave this bus, he is not safe” said the ego, and I considered it until I recognized that if God is with me, then I am safe. And He is – how could He not be –  He is what I Am. So I stated my intention to see him in his truth, and remembered my truth – I am the light of the world, and I am here to shine that light. Just like you, bus-driver – the only difference is that you have momentarily forgotten – oh yes, that time-aspect

I sense this terrible fear and pressure he is driven by -and his natural misperception that he is what he is feeling. I remind myself that his misperception is my misperception, and forgive myself.

He now has started to smile to the oncoming passengers, and still drive erratically – stopping about 20 meter beyond each bus stop. Oh what a pressure, what a drive this is. Well – now I have given this over to God, and I relax- and still must admit I breathe relieved  when I exit the bus.

The bus driver on my bus home is one I really like. This is the time of day where high-school teenagers swarm the bus after school has ended, and the bus is already very full. When the bus stops outside the school, he stands up ( I sit 2 meters away from him) turns toward the people in the bus and screams ” go back! Retreat!” No movement, and he yells, terror shining in his eyes “GO BACK! PLEASE!” I realize that  this is a fear that I am projecting ON him. I feel great warmth inside as I realize that this is just a projection, all is well, and I find myself being smiled with. Christ is smiling me. I intend for him to look at me in his mirror. He does, and the smile hits him right in his Christ and he returns the smile.

From that moment and until I exit 15 minutes later, that smile stays on his face. He talks calmly to the next horde of teenagers on the next stop outside their school and tell them that it is not safe to take more passengers on. They nod and accept,just as calmly.

It is a miracle of beauty to witness Christ enlivening him. His movements, his face, his radiance. He calls and ask for replacement, he is taking care of himself.

This Christ-smile is ours to give – as soon as I accept that we are worthy of it

 

Puppet on a String

Welcome everybody! Take a seat. You too, father, I want you to sit down. This is not your group, you are not leading it.

Everyone: the task today is to notice your judgments about what is going to happen here – and see if you can let them go. If not, just notice that you want to keep it.

Yes, it is dark in here. No father, you really has nothing to say in here. And Ian – I will not have you lecture me on all I do wrong.

Out of the blue, a vast storm of meanness and vicious rancid lecturing, invectives and sewer language spews out of me. And then, my judgments: Ohmygod now you all see what a klutz I am, I can’t even find adult words, no control, no control at all how utterly pitiful…

Then the evening show starts:

On the wall, behind Father’s Chair, stage lights are appearing under the roof. A small girl – just a toddler – is suspended by a line and a hook that is slided from left to right. She is also bumped up and down, like in a mini-bungee – jumping as she slides toward the end of the line

This can’t be right? She’s just a little girl – where are the theater workers who set this up? No – where is the cruel director? How can they treat a small child like that?

Sit still, group, I will take care of it

“I am right here below you – if you fall, I will catch you “

Without a word she lets me know that she will proceed to the end of the line.

Her costume is cream and white – so delicate – she is one I love with all of me. As she is jumped from left to right, she becomes older – at the end of the line she is about 13 – and I watch her suddenly freeze to ice. There is no child present now – just frozen terror in a child’s form.

I loosen the hook and take her in my arms. I look her gently in the eyes, and gradually she comes back into the body and says, dreamingly “It is so strange how I suddenly became terrified.”

“You forgot that you were just a character in a play” I tell her, and we sit down in Fathers Chair. “You thought you were this girl on a string.”

“Is it over now? “ she asks.

“I have you now” I say. “You are my little girl, you know.”

My father’s face darkens. He looks away, and black puke violently pours from him. I remind the group to watch their judgments and let them go. Let it be. Let the black vomit come out. Let him purge himself.

It is shame. We all know it is. We have all been there. Eons of black asphalt dung shame. Its acidity erodes a hole in the floor, and he disappears down into it.

Or does he? There is a young man standing where The Father stood. An easel with a large canvas is before him, and he start to paint with precise strokes. He knows his excellence as painter.

We see:

Heaven. Vast and calm ocean, not even a slight ripple, mirrors the sky.Horizon almost invisible. Small white rowboat with two persons: father and daughter. Silently fishing on the big ocean of awareness

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Massacre in the mind

The last three days I have had dreams about massacres, stalkers and such – dreams from the collective unconscious. The entrance-light helped me find the reason for the fear: it (the lamp) went out and I asked to find the root of the fear. Instantly I knew: massacres. And instantly the light went on.

What a help this was: now I was prepared for massacre-dreams.

This morning I was inside a massacre with machetes in Africa, saw, smelled, watched and listened. There was a huge naked African in front of me, his body was scarred, he was naked and hairless , and I felt and sensed both his energy and my fear of being discovered and hacked and slaughtered. We shared FEAR itself as energy.

I was also threated by the size of his erected penis. To me, who has a pattern of identifying with the (rape-)victim, it says only one thing: I WANT AND I TAKE WHAT I WANT

Later in the session Kit helps me see another vital aspect of this strong masculine limb and desire: I WANT TO CREATE AND EXPRESS!

How much I – and all rape victims – have denied that healthy masculine push within ourselves – seeing only the crushing dominating part. A great balance has happened within my mind.

Although I identified with the victim in the dream, when I woke up it was clear that this is far from personal. I might have participated in massacres – I think we all have, at some time – but what started the massacre is a thought in the mind that believes that the separation has happened and that we are on our own – without God.The Course metaphysics states that it in fact we /the Son of God as One -believed we had killed off God. Then, in the mind, an experience is created – kill and be killed – killer and victim – guilt and sin – duality. And since we are as God created us – pure creativity with unlimited power to create whatever we believe in – the massacres manifest in this world, where everything are projections of images in the One mind – believed in.

Jeshua – Jesus – and other masters constantly remind us that the world is illusion – and what we seem to see and experience is a hologram, powered by our belief and our wish to experience all kind of stuff.

So today, in a sharing session with Kit, I re-enter the machete-killing-dream – I sit with the energy of the massacre – knowing that there is nothing to fear, it is an image, and only in my mind can it be healed.

I choose to use the forgiveness-structure that Jeshua taught Jayem in The Way of the Heart.

Where in myself can I find this lust for violence? Oh, no need to look far. I have wanted to mutilate and slaughter “the guilty ones” for sure.

“I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created. I embrace you, and I love you. And I free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”

I forgive myself for wanting to murder and mutilate and kill. I forgive my judgment of myself, and for identifying with this terror-energy

“What is the attack masking? What are they really crying out for?”

Love – to embrace them and comfort them and make them feel safe and autonomous – free to live without hatred.

I ask to see the innocence of his soul. The light envelopes him. Now his eyes are alive with awareness.

*

In the next dream, I am being stalked by a western variation of a killer. I flee for a long while until I think about stopping and facing him and loving him. Instantly he turns into a child, who adores me.

 

What You Are Really Afraid of

Showing up as the Glorious Self

 

Going to bed, I take a glimpse in the note-book beside my bed. I have glued helpful Course- notes in it. I find this from Nouk Sanchez blog: February 20th 2013

“I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.

Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”

I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.

To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.

Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.”

Somehow I read: “Meeting up in your full Glory.” The words sank softly into my mind.This is what is called for.I know it is Truth.

About 5 am I wake up from a dream. I was walking through an area with a friend where I felt terror and agony emanating from the ground. I stand still and allow myself to pick up what has happened: little boys have been abused and used in satanic rituals. The abusers enjoyment of the boys’ terror is also present – + the collective judgments of such acts and such feelings. I share what I feel with the friend, she denies my sensitivity and belittles me.

I wake up, body saturated with terror and disgust, and ask “Will there ever be an end to such dreams for me?”

I hear Holy Spirit’s calm clear voice: “All that is needed in this situation is that you meet up in your full glory. Meaning that you know Who you are. It is impossible for the Holy Son of God to be without Source/His Creator. He has never moved outside the Thought That created Him.”

In this moment, there is no doubt at all in the mind: I cannot be without my Identity. It is evident. In this moment, I realize that the agonized experience I had in an earlier incarnation – where my soul  was taken and used as an instrument for “evil” –  is just a thought, believed in because of the appearances. And whatever the Son of God believes in, appears to happen.

Thank God it happens just in the Dream of the ego thought-system, where we believe ourselves to be.

I am awake now – seeing the utter silliness in the thought that we can be something that we are not. The body is reflecting the right-minded thoughts: There is a warm light flowing through me, from head to feet, spreading  to the limbs.

I will go back to the story of Leelah – just as Nouk went back to the story about the baby. I ask to be taken back into these images and memories, and showing up in full Glory. What  I see – instead of the familiar memories of group abuse – is  just blazing Light.

I am the dreamer. What I am usually seeing are projections  and falsities from a terrified mind, believing itself to be split off from  a vengeful God.  And here I am now, in my Self. And with an indescribable relief and gratitude I realize that whenever such imprints of terror from the mind may present themselves in my mind, these energies are nothing I need to judge against or protect myself from any longer. The glorious Self CAN NOT be harmed or invaded. I can stay present – and the old impulse to fly from all of this, to defend against it is met with this: Saying yes. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace.

In my defenselessness my safety lies.

Lesson 153

W-pI.153.12. Salvation can be thought of as a game that happy children play. 2 It was designed by One Who loves His children, and Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone. 3 His game instructs in happiness because there is no loser. 4 Everyone who plays must win, and in his winning is the gain to everyone ensured. 5 The game of fear is gladly laid aside, when children come to see the benefits salvation brings.

W-pI.153.13. You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. 2 That game is over. 3 Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

W-pI.153.14. We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. 2 And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. 3 So is the story ended. 4 Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. 5 God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. 6 God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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