In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!
I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools and a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.
It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.
And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.
Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.
IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.
She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”
Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text. Clearly this is archetypal matter.
In the middle of the Heart
there is a fog of woe and wonder –
so little known to itself,
so dreamingly absorbed in the
layers of illusion.
But look:
it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!
I am so lonely so lonely
and I do not know of my fears –
I sense them only when I am held
but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces
someone has stolen my words
and my hopes
but my story is still here
under the layers of centuries.
I have a right to tell the story,
but who are the listeners?
A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:
Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart
And I know that She has listened to it all
The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”
Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”
*
Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.
Before that, earlier today, I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.
Do you know what more is present:
My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE
JUST GONE
The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone
So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.
It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊
She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.
I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!
I feel tired in a healthy way.