Are you constantly hungry?

 

I have highly addicted personality.

I also have a fierce determination ( which someone may call stubbornness.) I don’t want to EVER again be on the victim-end of “you have to, or else.” – meaning strict diets that have to be followed religiously.

So I have explored the archetypes with great vigilance and many cold dips, and the latest challenge has been – wait for it

FOOD

As always, as soon as an archetype has presented itself for thorough exploration, * and I have stated my willingness, all the info I need has popped up in media. The latest input is called Bright Line Eating. It states the scientific evidence for the wisdom of completely stopping sugar, flour and even artificial sweetening like Stevia. That is, for us with an addictive personality and brain. Count me in.The author Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD, shows that we need to heal and re-train  part of the brain that has the addiction by removing sugar, flour and even Stevia from all that we eat.

Completely.

I have no doubt that that brain-part must be healed and weaned and retrained – and I knew, after reading the whole book thoroughly, that I wanted to find a way to do it without any kind of limitation at all.

The first thing I did was sitting down and breathing consciously – stating my intention of being with the energy of addictive neediness – the “MUSTMUSTMUST have or I will die.” I committed to not having honey on my bread for breakfast, and truly feeling how it felt. I was curious.

It was  amazing: the field of need opened very fast and deep, and I saw that the purpose of this very field was to prevent the underlying eternal love and natural sweetness to be seen. I realized I could indeed use the very addictive pull as a portal into the sea of LOVE and Self.

I sat with that sweetness; it was all-encompassing, all Motherly. Nourishing, comforting. And a deep peace I haven’t been able to feel in years.

The rest of the day I was vigilant for  situations and thoughts where I sensed the addictive pull for anything at all to put in my mouth to take me away from HERE ( and also to divert my attention, like TV and Internet and Facebook.) I thanked it for coming and sat with it, with the willingness to sense what was just under it. The sweetness or nourishment was there constantly.

Breakfast today – should I take that honey now? I knew, “yes” – and that I should just be vigilant for HOW it nourished me, exactly how it tasted – (chewing thirty times each bite) – and suddenly, after 3 bites – now there are shivers up my back – I WAS FULL.

And it wasn’t the honey that made me full: it was eating with the insight that my true sweetness underneath the eating was available all the time  – I was full.

I felt awesome to go to the trashcan and allow the half eaten bread with honey go.

The whole thing has to do with allowing LOVE –  I have never been good at that ( meaning I suck at it.) But opening up to this all-loving mother in me and receiving Her is a great way for me to practice receiving love. And God knows I need practice – in other words, allowing myself to receive love

*

Of course I have to do a little marketing here: you might click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  in the right menu,and check it out on the Amazon-page.Lots of good stuff there – and Blue, my inner guide, has put magic in it so whenever you have a question you need a spiritual answer to, open the book at random and just put your pinky in there.You may find it works for you too.

 

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

The lie we buy as humans

Dipping down deep into the Fuckeat-archetype* today, of violence and attack.

I asked Jesus to take care of my dreams this night, and he presented me for an old repeating dream pattern where I want my daughter to do something NOW and when she doesn’t immediately comply, I become an insanely wrathful monster who controls her completely – or rather, tries to control. The rage comes from an underlying deep feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness.

Awake, I ask to be taken back to a situation in this life where I was on the receiving end of this. It is clear; I am sitting with my father at his own masterpiece as carpenter – a beautiful mahogany desk. He is trying to help me understand something in homework for school, I don’t know how old I am – but his anger scares me so much that I truly think he may kill me if I don’t understand.

I can see the levels in this creation:

Father/parent: it is required of me that I make you understand and learn. If I don’t succeed, you will fail and that will be my responsibility – this is an expression of Love, this is how I have been taught that Love is: full of demands and threats. “I punish you for your own good.”

I realize from where I am now how me being “stupid” was a blemish on the perfect and idyllic façade of the family – no signs of suffering allowed, except maybe physical pains

This thought is clearly based on our innermost and first collective misunderstanding: that we don’t have a loving Self/connection to God, we are separated and on our own. Love is something that must be had from outside – and it must be deserved, and it must be portioned out, due to how worthy we are of it – meaning the results we get at school and at work.

The attempts of control of this façade – and our performances – take a tremendous toll on our nervous systems and our muscles, which have the job of absorbing it all.

I was not aware that I as angry at all on my daughter, before she wrote it in a letter to me when she was 13 – “I was deadly afraid.” What – of me???

My father probably denied it for himself too.

Now, in the night, sitting and breathing into it in my bed, I sense that I simply now understand that my intense fear of angry men is in reality me being angry at me for not being perfectly conforming to the others demands and expectations

That’s why punishing myself feels safe, and I am recognizing that I am a sucker for it.

Until now

I am allowing myself to see these beliefs and HAVE THESE feelings now – no judgments – what a relief that is. And I also remember the bus driver who lost it, where I found my Christ coming out and smiling at him – and he became instantly transformed.

Just by my willingness to disregard his behavior and look through it to his Self and his innermost innocence – which is our original state of being

Hah – I see that the paranoia in me is just another flavor of these beliefs – I have projected my own hidden hatred and murder lust of myself on the others, who have played out these attack-thought/projections in various degrees of viciousness.

“You are doing it to yourself” as The Course repeats – “there are nobody out there but you.”

Here is my repeated thought and demand that I must NOT do anything “wrong”.

Killer and victim- ONE coin. I place it on the Altar.

Just now sitting with the feeling of being “the stupid one” – allowing myself to calmly breath and relax into it

Nothing of it is built on the Truth of Who we are: One with our Creator.

We can pretend all we like here in our world – and it will never become Truth

So I notice that I now actually look forward to people losing it in front of me – I know they are really acting out this old collective impotent anger – and that it is not mine and that is not his or yours, it is just a thought that our ego-mind has cooked up to keep us trapped in its world of separation and fear.What we believe in, becomes our reality.

 

The Fuckeat-archetype* is described in detail in “When Fear Comes Home to Love:”

“… you will meet Fuckeat as Killer / Destroyer, Vampire (Hungry Ghost), Fucker, Crusher, Despot, Invader. Thank God he is nothing else than our own hidden guilt and self-hatred, which forever awaits our forgiveness. His main defeaters are Play, Creativity, Humor, Love and Forgiveness – as you will see from our stories.”

And then  The Course will speak the last word:

M.VI.7 The more grotesque the dream, the fiercer and more powerful its defenses seem to be. 8 Yet when the teacher of God finally agrees to look past them, he finds that nothing was there. 9 Slowly at first he lets himself be undeceived. 10 But he learns faster as his trust increases. 11 It is not danger that comes when defenses are laid down. 12 It is safety. 13 It is peace. 14 It is joy. 15 And it is God.

 

 

 

 

The Archetypal Onion

Waking up wanting to die. Kind nudge from Self to get up. Oh no, I must have more sleep/rest. Smiling Voice: Whatever you choose, you are completely loved.
Slept one more hour – waking up with same crappy feeling. Now more motivated to listen:“Get up, drink water, and open up to this suicidal feeling. Remember this practice from lesson 13 of The Jewel of the Christ:

This must be the experience I most need to be having right now,
as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.
Only Love is Real.
Thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you.

Last of all, begin to pay attention to how you respond to contexts that are less
than peaceful, whether such moments arise in you, or another. See if you can
‘catch the beat’ of habit that leads down the path of ‘story’, attempts to ‘feel
better’, or to ‘fix’ it.
Instead, breathe, and ask the three questions we began with:

~ what specific sensations are occurring in the bodymind?
~ what specific thoughts?
~ what specific qualities of breathing?”

After doing this, I am nudged to use the Emotion Code Method again- and I discover that the laminated chart I made, has two sides: the one I am pointed to now, has a choice of “Trapped Emotion Flow Chart.” That is one level deeper than the one yesterday.Becoming aware of this, my body responds with a released sigh.
(I described the first part of this process on my blog:

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/20…-emotion-code/

As as a Therapist for 28 years now, and also a student of the Jewel Course, I find this simple practice with a pendulum and a magnet excellent, and right up there with Radical Inquiry. For me, it goes even more to the roots, since it bypasses much psychological resistance. So here is what you can do if this resonates with you:

Emotion Code: google it or/and Dr. Bradley Nelson

And the Magnet:

google Nikken products MagDuo

You can google “how to learn dowsing” or search “dowsing” or “muscle-testing” on You Tube – and if you don’t find it easy, find an Emotion code practitioner. It’s even possible to get a session for free with a practitioner on the website .
In my mind, dowsing with a pendulum can be learned if you intend to

The process today continues what happened yesterday: Then I found shock as the very root – today I release three more “onion layers/feelings”: self-hatred – dread – and confusion. I know mentally that the next ones are hopelessnessness/powerlessness, and the outer layer:aggression/violence in the forms of fundamentalist religions.

Today I have practiced the prayer that Jeshua taught in the Way of Mastery, the Forgiveness Chapter:

I am the Source of this situation.
I judge you(situation) not. I extend forgiveness to myself fo what I have created. I embrace you and I love you and free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”
Then see that image or memory gently dissolve into Light until there is no trace of it left,and be done with it.”

*
As I am diving into the archetypes, Jeshua is pointing to our 25 year-long exploration, with patients/students and in my own process, described in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts... When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts…

– and that the archetypes explored in that many-year long process, have the latest days spiraled down to its very roots. My stomach always crawls when I mention my book, because this is making me visible as something positive -and within this archetypal onion, visible means either a dictator or a victim. It also touches a very common “law” in the human mind: “who do you think you are? Do you believe you are better than us?”I am not better than. Self has written this book through Leelah, who was willing to have that happen.

I open my wise-quote notebook randomly, and find Jeshua’s words again: -“Whenever you extend forgiveness inside your consciousness, your emotional field, to another, whether they be physical present or not, you are extending to them exactly as if they were physical present in front of you.” The he adds, “They still have to receive it, don’t they!”

So now I extend forgiveness to myself for choosing to believe in my smallness and for identifying with the archetype Child, described in my book – and for using other people to prove to me that I am powerless.

And choosing again: I choose to be open to notice- and actively receive – all the positive changes lately

Since I did this this morning, the rest of the day I have found myself suddenly bursting out in tears by reading a sentence in a book or paper – something is so ready now to be released and it feels so wonderful.

There is also TIREDNESS

Edit/Delete Message

The Aramaic Lord’s Prayer

I am listening to the Way of Mastery – deepenings at the One Who Wakes-website – and have lately sensed a huge resistance to BE with God, and especially the Aramaic version of Our Father. So I prayed to see what I have allowed to possess me – and I found one of the 10 archetypes I have found  and described in my book:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1491219904#

I have called it The Fascist

I have lately got a new student – she was born in a family with both communists and fascists, and I have helped her find the archetype so she can relate TO it and not FROM it

and this morning I realized that it was this archetype that – of course – detests Jeshua’s prayer

As soon as I realized this, I was free from merging and identifying with it, and I was filled with an intense desire to learn the prayer.
Here it is, i n English version:

The Aramaic Lord’s Prayer –

Pathway to the Christ Mind

Father-Mother of the Cosmos, Shimmering Light of All.

Focus your light within us as we breathe your Holy Breath.

Enter the sanctuary of our hearts,

uniting within us the sacred rays of your Power and Beauty.

Let your heart’s desire unite heaven and earth

through our sacred union.

Help us fulfill what lies within the circle of our lives today.

Forgive our secret fears as we freely choose

to forgive the secret fears of others.

Let us not enter forgetfulness, tempted by false appearances.

For from your astonishing Fire comes the Eternal Song

which sanctifies all, renewed eternally in our lives,

and throughout Creation.

We Seal these words in our hearts,

committed in trust and faith. Amen.

Here you can listen to different versions.  The one I resonate most with is Sparo Vigil’s

 

Oh, the innocence and presence of it

 

 

The inner sense of compulsion

There is such a beautiful flow in the energysystem today. It started with a single thought wanting me to do something  – telling me I HAD TO. In this second, something inside said “njaeh. I don’t bother.”

Some seconds later I noticed a flow of relaxation that was so powerful that I had to pay attention. I saw the connection with deciding not going into a “HAVE TO” pattern. The whole muscle-system was suffused with grace, I felt waves of nausea moving through and leaving.

I then noticed all the subconscious impulses I have to “correct”placement of  things in order to feel safe:

that pen must not lie in that position – that picture is hanging askew – ordnung muss sein – balance,please!

It was sheer delight to notice each of these impulses to correct things AT ONCE – and just lean back and allow the energy of that compulsion. Could I allow it be just as it is just for now? YES! It brought deep peace within the muscular system. Heart racing for some seconds  – oh, control gone, what is happening – and then instant release.

What a great way for ego to stay in command, this personality disorder.

This is quoted from Wikipedia:

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. In contrast to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), behaviors are rational and desirable to people with OCPD.

My ego is now very offended and hurt and tells me that I am not THAT bad or sick. That is true – this Leelah is able to live in considerable chaos around her,especially when she is  arting – but she has also this life chosen to work with exploring archetypes, and illnesses have their own imprint or theme. I am very grateful for the inner artist who in fact enjoys exploring these inner concerts of energy.

And as I rose from the sofa after being renewed, I turned on the radio. It played this – and my body flew into ecstatic dance

Astor Piazolla – Las Cuatro Estaciones Portenas / Primavera

More LU q&a’s

 December 1st, 2012, 8:44 pm

Dear Ilona, before I answer your questions, I need to explain something about my perception.
From I was small I have seen angels and beings that are invisible to most others. They are just as real to me as the physical world. And I have to tell you that the time I met a unicorn is one of my most loved experiences: it felt like an angel, but sweeter, more childlike. So I don’t know about Santa Claus 🙂 but Unicorns and other fable-creatures have been seen by me and countless others – just as we turn the channel – finder on the radio, we can fine-tune an inner channel-finder to this level of consciousness. The beings show their reality to me by their wise and loving communication.
I think most artists know what i talk about.
So this is not something i can call unreal when i experience it. I need to find a way to express these experiences/what is seen and heard on an astral level/ in a way that is workable for you. Otherwise you will ask me to check and see if it is real and not – and for me, this is definitely real, but I think not real like you mean it.I want to find out if it is doable by inquiry the way you do it. When asking if an angel is seen as real will be a clear yes ♥

 December 2:
Ilona:Hm, interesting. Do you see them angels and unicorns on your dreams or in waking state?
Both. But  it is strongest when I see them when awake. There is sensing of ” loving presence too” – the kind of presence that makes your hair stand up and tears come to the eyes. Listening inside in those situations is listening to words coming from another realm – one who knows of no separation, but who recognizes that “I” still do, so the “words” are given in ways that are most helpful. If this happens when I have clients or students, they too report that they sense the presence, which can be so strong that the knees buckles and we have to sit/lay down. – *
After having written that yesterday, I had a good night’s sleep – which is rare – and woke up today without the feeling of none of the old trauma me’s at all. Now there is only a sense of aliveness, presence, peace. No pressure – which is such a wonder. I have seen this effect with LU-guiding with Chris too – and you, some time ago, before him – that sometimes the guide says something, there is a strong resistance, and then, three days after or so, things have been sorted out, and the old resisted questions now is seen as simple and easy to answer.
So here are the answers to your last questions:

Ilona: can unreal have real power? can unreal be alive? if you look at superman now, has he got any powers?
it is not about REMEMBERING, but checking to SEE any given moment, if it’s true or not. remembering equals new belief. seeing unreal as unreal every time there is doubt, is what frees the mind from belief that imaginary stuff has power.

Superman has no powers.

Ilona: is there a me that can get sucked in? and isn’t this a resistance playing out that says NO to the specific energy? if so, invite it closer. dive into that energy and see what it is without labels and names.

There is only a thought of a separate self/Leelah. And yes, it is a resistance to a certain energy, coming from identifying with the false self.
This morning, a thought came: “I have thought that me and separate self is the same.” What a relief that was: the separate self is an illusion – I laughed when i looked at it – and there was no laugherer either, just a huge feeling of smiling space. When you have asked “can you find the me”, this Presence has always been felt to some extent – so I have had to say yes. And small separated self-identity has grabbed it and told itself that this Love is part of “me.” It is not, it is impossible, this Love can now be own, it is our very essence

Ilona: Is belief in a sufferer a feeling or a thought? how do you feel the sufferer? is there a sufferer or there is a thought that comes up and is believed to be true? does belief make a sufferer real?

Belief in a sufferer is a thought, believed in, not corrected, memory confused with now. Belief makes the sufferer SEEM real and brings all the stories and archetypes into this moment – and then the mind says “well, there are so much feelings and energies here, that must mean that the stories about them is real – they cannot come from nothing, can they??
They don’t come from nothing, they come from beliefs that seem to make the stories real. The me takes this as yet an opportunity to prove its separate existence.

Leelah  Dec.1st):Maybe it is some entity that dresses up like child-me in order to vampyrize me.Ilona:can you check if this is true. what is this entity and what is this me in the sentence there?

The entities are in my understanding from the lower astral field. It is my understanding that in the world of opposites they are symbols of mankind’s denied dark side – all that we see as bad and “I would NEVER do such a thing”. It represent all the uglies in the mind that we collectively has disowned – and what we resist, persist and may manifest as demonic in all kinds of forms. In my understanding again, they are not real since they do not come from Love. in my understanding, built on investigating in this for 45 years, only Love is real. But as I told you, that darkness may manifest as forms, as they do for people in psychoses. Luckily I have been there myself, in the youth, and vowed to find out where that stuff came from and how one could deal with it. That seems like a good thing to do, as long as one sees oneself as a separate being.
There might still be occasionally “visits” from “dark entities” – but seen from this view now, that is only a possibility to thank them and ask them if they need something – like my favorite saint, the Tibetan Milarepa did with the 5 demons who visited his cave. He welcomed them, and first he offered them tea – then he sang for them ( now 4 had left) and with the th, he put his head in its mouth to offer himself as food. And poof 🙂
So this answer is spoken from a vastly different place than believing they had power over “me.” There is no separate me – the demon and “i” seem to be different manifestations of mind – but in my understanding again ( my used only as means of communication) Life just is, and is lifing as you so wonderfully name it.

a useless story

After the awakening described recently,all psychic hell broke loose, as I am used to. I got a dear friend who is transparent and loving to help me on Skype – and after that, the nightmares were even more disgusting and vicious that before.

This morning I was praying deeply to see how I want this. I was shown that all my work on archetypes has made me even more acutely sensitive for them – and ontological guilt is a biggie. It makes sense that when I hook on to that guilt and believe this is about me and my personal ( and reincarnational) story, it  is  “only”my mind outside time and space identifying with the ego thought system. Of course “I” would need someone I can project it onto: I need to make a trustworthy guilydangerouspowerful being.

In my story, I made a “being” or “spirit” who is enormous and has enormous power. I still believe it is because of him that the attacks come. No wonder I believe  that he is more powerful than God: I believed I needed that to escape the wrath of God.

Then it is not “my fault that I suffer.” It is his. And i can be innocent and cry to God that I don’t want this suffering. But as long as i chose the story as “mine”, I WILL be suffering. And when I identify myself with this choice of “me”, then I also must keep me belief in powerlessness.

A  burden fell off when I saw this. It was easy to forgive that choice – and I love that the monster is not real in reality: I made it up. I also made up the “me” and its incarnations.I forgive my decision for this story – for believing in the first fear at the TMI. I give up the “need” to keep this story, and allow Blue to choose for God for me.

And reminding myself that my willingness is all –  the rest is up to H.S and his  timing.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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