The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this

*

For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark Night of the Soul

With permission from Pamela Kribbe, this is an excerpt from her book “Dark Night of the Soul.” I love to quote this here – I found my personality-type perfectly described in the beginning of her book, and it has been a huge help for me, since the description so clear.

And so it might be helpful for some of my readers too.

These words come from  Pamela’s Mary Magdalene – channeling:

Those patterns that repeat themselves – now look at them as boulders in a stream. They are still worn down and pushed by the water that moves past them. Remember that you ARE the living water! The more you remind yourself of this, the more you can reclaim the energy from the boulders and stones in the stream.

There is pain from the past that continues to be there, you don’t have to downplay it, but neither do you have to hug those boulders from the river. You only have to remind yourself that YOU are the water!

I am this huge waterway – an actual life-force. The flow has no judgments about the boulders that it encounters – it engulfs them.  You do have a choice!

The more you withdraw your identity from these blockages, the rocks that lie there, the more easily the current can dislodge them and carry them down with the flow. They are dislodged and liberated because your release your identity with them and instead identify with the dynamic moving water. The water is your Soul and it cannot be restrained.

Our soul is not at all troubled by the boulders and their size, because It knows they are an integral part of the landscape of life. Try to, when you feel you are imprisoned within one such boulder, to HEAR the water rushing by.

About darkness:

Do not be afraid of darkness  –  welcome it! When you say yes, it begins to release and flow, and that is the art of living this life. And when you can’t really say yes to this, remember that there is something in you that still says yes. That is what will save you and bring you further along – trust in life!

 

The Dream of Sloppiness

This morning I had a dream where I was about to serve a supper for about 30 people. My mother and I did it together. The guests were all seated, and I discovered that there was no PLAN or structure here. The kitchen (which was enormous) with all kind of equipment was in complete chaos: there were a lot of grilled chickens EVERYWHERE – but I knew that I could not be certain there were FULLY COOKED with no Campylobacteria. Sloppy!
 
My mother was even more distracted than me, we were both worried about what the guests were thinking (and judging) so I tried to yell at HER to not make this MY FAULT.
 
VERY usual feeling, this: THEY need and expect something from ME and all my attention goes on HOW I am perceived by THEM.
 
So I asked Guidance for help and It said “19.” That means quote 19 in my wise-words-book at my night-table. I picked the book up – and it was already opened on 19! Which is the note I am sharing here. And I notice HOW excellently I am aligned with Source each time I ask for guidance – but else “I am having a really sloppy receiver that could tune into many different channels at the same time.”
Here is the quote from Abraham.  What is in italic is what I need most of all to focus on NOW:
There are a lot of people who know they are empathetic, they are sensitive to Energy – but we don’t want you to be sensitive to all of the energies. That would be like having a really sloppy receiver in your vehicle that could tune into many different channels at the same time, and all you want to do is listen to some satisfying music but you’re getting all this static and chat because your tuner isn’t tuned. That’s really what it’s about.
 
It takes a little practice, but most of all it takes understanding why you do it. And why you do it is because you’re trying to exercise your influence over them by getting them to see you as you want them to see you. So you’re real interested on an almost word by word basis, thinking I say this and then you respond, I say this and then you respond, and you care too much about their response. We want you to not care at all about anybody’s response to you.
 
Let your relationship with your Source Energy be what’s dominant to you. Most people, first of all, don’t really know that Source exists for them, they don’t know that Source is interested in them, they don’t really understand that your Inner Being is projecting a steady thought that you could pick up on, they don’t understand that they have an Inner Being who has an opinion about everything that they have an opinion about, so therefore they don’t understand their own Guidance System. So most people have sort of been frantically searching for some form of guidance from someone. And when you really, really care about it, then you’re looking for it everywhere.
 
Q: Yeah. I’m trying to separate mine from theirs, it’s what I feel like I need to do.
 
A: It doesn’t have anything to do with them, it’s only about what’s going on with you. Some years ago we offered an analogy, a really good one, really appropriate for this conversation: We said imagine a light board about as big as this carpet, and it has all of those little LED lights on it and you’re one of the lights. So, you focus on something and you light up based upon what you’re focused upon, and every other light on the vibrational board that is where you are lights up, too. And that equals your world; that’s who in the room is a vibrational match to you.
 
And you can control how you light up. So let’s say they’re all lighted up on something that is not beneficial, like disease or war, but you’re not because you’ve been meditating or you’ve been playing your musical instrument or you’re tuned-in, tapped-in, turned-on, so even though they’re lighted up that way, they have no influence and no attraction power in your life experience because you’re offering a different vibration.
So what we’re getting at is you pick the tune that you’re strumming, you pick the vibrational frequency that you’re broadcasting, and only things that are a vibrational match to that would be in your sphere of influence, or you in the sphere of that influence.
Does that make sense?
Q: Yes, that makes total sense.

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Stitching is divine

It is proved!

Yesterday I was doing a stitching exercise in an online course I am following. For the first time i enjoyed playing with the technique, not having to “produce” something to be judged and compared.

I thought. When I went to bed, a thought came: ” It really is – meaningless.”

Really? Playing and exploring isn’t OK then?

” Put your hand in the ” Word- bag” said Blue.

In my word bag I have collected hundreds of words that I offer to clients who want to learn to write without fear. I always teach them that PLAY is one of God’s attributes

Here is what I drew:

Gud is the Scandinavian name for God

Hobby Horse ( Stick Horse)

Mine fell to the floor in the night!

Literally!

I made this stick horse to my daughter 35 years ago. In Norway , we have the expression “to ride a stick horse” when you english-spoken people say “have a bee in the bonnet.” Once, when a dear friend rode her stick horse for the umptieth time, I found the actual stick horse and showed her and said please demount from that horse you are riding. Very rude I was, but it worked.

Afterwards, Blue told me I’d be needing this horse again to point to it next time Betty rode it – but she never did.

I needed it for me LOL

This night I did another LONG Core transformation process with a part in me that has been 1000% CERTAIN that the way she sees things IS THE TRUTH.

It was extremely unpleasant for a long time – she felt like admitting that if she “could” be wrong, it would mean all things of horrible things about her. One thing was that she would be insane – since she would swear on her life that she was right.

With lots of patience and will to proceed forward, something shifted and she ended up in God’s arms, smiling and happy, seeing that all that mattered in life was to remember that perception rests on beliefs that we have told about ourselves and the world – and that other people has other perceptions.

Entering the living room, I saw that the stick horse  – that I had jammed between a shelf and the wall –  had fallen down, now leaning toward a recliner 🙂

For new readers: this symbolic happening belongs to a long series of synchronicities in my life, that Blue  – my inner Guide – employs to demonstrate the truth in humorous  ways. I have posted many of them in earlier posts – if you want to read more, search  “Blue is playing.”

My book, ( see right menu) When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them

 

 

 

 

Open the Door!

Recently when my alarm went off ( false alarm) and I clicked the code to turn it off, that code ( symbol: old learned way of turning it off) DID NOT WORK. The Alarm screamed and howled, and I went frantic and clicked some more. Then a deep inner calm: Blue said ” do the very opposite.”

I opened the entrance door wide – the alarm instantly stopped.

Teaching: open your heart to what you before have closed off to and kept away as “threats.”

So this morning, the usual morning agony of extreme overwhelm started – and this time, I immediately knew: this is NOT a threat, it is an opportunity to remember Who I am.

I relaxed and allowed it. knowing fully that I can TRUST GOD now.

The chaotic energy  from the collective human mind poured in – and when it was met with curiosity and wonder, it transformed.

I yawn just by writing it down.

I AM WILLING TO TRUST NOW – and I will celebrate it! YESSS!! HOORAYY! I DID IT!!!

Since what I give thanks for, grows and is attracted to me

This is so vitally important to remember: each time I now become aware that something has changed in my mind, I will celebrate it, give thanks for it, write it down, make it MATTER – truly make it  essential and wonderful in my life.

I see that old mind that I have fed with fear, for aeons ( the word-correcting-program suggested “canons”🙂 )  is like a child – and that I am in charge. I am the elder, the Observer, I am connected to my Source, and in this state of no resistance and fear, I act. And when I forget, hey, there I go again. breathe now, breathe deeply, connect with Mother Earth, connect with the Core.

The mind instantly tell that it does not know how – and I tell it again: you don’t have to, child. I am the Elder, I am in charge.

I wrote a poem the day before yesterday – it came automatically. It aforesaid  what I have realized fully this morning.

Here it is again.Look at the blue:

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain
I am your holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths
I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward
I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the
Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,
Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart broken open

No other

Receiving my Self

I wrote two poems these last days. I knew I liked them a lot – and I wanted to RECEIVE them with all of me.

I stood up, stretched my arms up  toward Self and prayed to be helped RECEIVING MY SELF, the beauty and bubbling creativity that comes through me.

AND IT CAME! Rushes of bliss flowed through me, intense joy and gratitude without bounds

AT LAST  RECEIVED ♥

My Others

Moanie Molly is mean on Mondays

frivolous on Fridays and

satyrical on Saturdays

 

Pretty-bow Prune tinkers with truth

on Tuesdays and

tortures toddlers on Thursdays with

a terrible smile of too- twinkling -teeth

 

Wednesday is my day – Woolly Wendy

is my wame. I call them in through

my windows of welcome

I wind them warmly into my

wet and woolly wembrace,

tucking them in, wriggling and wailing

wrapping them up in well-meaning waffle words

 

Sunday is sublime-day.

All of us together.

Singing in the supersonically choir of sunflowers,

Visiting soothsayers and sweet-shocked solicitors,

Swimming in star shined seas of sovereign surprises,

Summoning slithering salamanders

and cute little ducks.

Then we go home

and sleep the slumber of

sincere sinners

and saints

*

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain

I am your  holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths

I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward

I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the

Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,

Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart  broken open

No other

 

 

 

 

 

 

False Alarm

False alarm: choosing the ego

Last night I set the alarm, and then forgot it and went down the stairs to turn out the lights and the alarm went on.

And it stuck. The code did not turn it off. The alarm company called, I did not take it, since I could not hear them because of the loud howling noise. It lasted and lasted , it was STUCK. Somehow I registered that this was a SIGN. “Do something completely new” said Blue, I opened the front door and the alarm instantly stopped.

Now, instead of relaxing and digesting this – no more expecting attackers, forgive your old perception – I went into a grand acting out the fear and rage that was inside me. I mailed the Alarm-company and told them what a lousy alarm-system they had given me and how un-trustworthy their company was. I was really into all of that acting out, I felt  that I “took care of myself.” What I took are of was the ego, the old role of the attacked child.

So, after all of this drama, I went to bed and did a Core Transformation-process with the old alarm-setter inside my mind. She certainly saved my life by “installing the alarm” at that time. Now I want to turn it off and turn on LOVE and safety instead. It took long time, but we made it to the Core, and it felt wonderful. I thought I would have the most beautiful sleep, but of course there were COSTS from openly acting out my fear and rage, making it real.

I had a crazy dream where gangs of hooligans swarmed into my house and pretended it was theirs. They even stole my door handles – they could not be locked out! Then, toward the morning, one young man who had NOT  been disturbing me, did a most wonderful loving thing: he dismantled one of the door handles in his own house and gave it to me.

I woke up, deeply touched, and saw that I had invited those crazy invading forces in – just by having demonstrated that “I” was attacked last night by the Alarm company doing a bad job.

I attacked myself with that rage and those accusations. And so I felt the old feelings of not being able to protect my body, and projected it viciously and fully consciously on “the Installer of the Alarm” = me.

Great lesson!  May I remember this the next time I feel the urge to lash out and scream my anger, justifying my feeling unjustly treated.

I disowned the Truth: what I Am can never be attacked or threatened.

It feels like piercing an old poisonous boil. The pus is coming out, thank God

 

Sunflower in September

New experiences re the False Helper Syndrome– which is to me an unkind label: I prefer the Utterly Confused Helper. I am still using The Core Transformation process.

I have found that the defense parts are really willing to draw back and allow space when I acknowledge how life-saving they were when we put them in charge. Today I had a 30-40 of them sitting in a half circle 30 meters away. They had popcorn too.

I have found that instead of wants and desires, often needs are offered. I am working at finding the distinction between them.

The first need was:
I want you to fully listen what I feel and need – without saying ONE thing in  defense and without touching me.

next:

I want you to see when I am happy and let me be happy without commenting.

Next: I want to see that you feel/are safe, so I don’t need to take care of you. I want to KNOW that you have all the resources you need to feel safe and adult. Only THEN can I know what I feel

These steps were adamant for her to start going deeper:: first feeling anger/ rage – and then to be seen in her terror and fear, and never to be held: there is a deep understanding in the confused helper that as soon as s/he is HELD, s/he will feel the needs of the other – and her mandatory rule is “The other ALWAYS comes first when it comes to needs.”

I recently had an experience with a beloved friend – she is a psychiatrist – and when I expressed an agony she immediately embraced me – HARD – I could hardly breathe. All my self-awareness went swoop into her.

So there is a super strong automatic in the energy shift here, between a confused helper and the other.

The next next deepest desire or need was: “ I want you to acknowledge that you did not WANT to see what happened to me – without ANY explanations and any “OHHH I am so sorry” at all. As long as there is guilt, I will have nothing of it.”

The next deepest:

That you SEE Me – the Self – see the goodness, the love, the patience, the wisdom, the tenderness in this Self. That you see that all this happened, it is over, we don’t need to play these roles anymore. DONE

The deepest: That I KNOW with all of me that my worth is intrinsic, and never depends on how I help and serve others.

THERE was  and is the Peace of God.

The sunflower – I discovered it yesterday. It blooms right in front of my face when I go out – and it stands under a bush, so it has to bend forward  and then bend up  to catch the sun. What is so beautiful to know that somehow a sunflower seed decided to root there – and how did it get there?

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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