Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

The Vow of Righteous Anger

Tiptoeing into this place to post – a bit apprehensive –yawning mightily in the decision to do it anyway

I have these dreams that present me with old survival patterns. The one I want to share is a sexual one connected to rapes throughout my childhood, and the identity I forged because of that.

In those moments when I noticed “there is that look again, watch out, he is going to do it” there was an immediate split in consciousness – and it is the material in this part of the mind that lately has been allowed into my dreams and from there into my conscious mind. That material/energy consists of a frantic crazy insanity with sexual lust mixed with a terror of death and being obliterated. I believe that this is what constitutes the energy vortex itself – it’s not “my” energy and “his” energy – it is the mighty vortex itself. And as I have explored this now for almost 40 years – in patient bits and pieces – my mind is accepting more and more of it in its full force. My training in Way of Mastery has certainly assisted me in not judging – and as I see that energy now, I see that it IS so strong mainly because of cultural taboos and common judging.

I discovered last night that part of me had discovered a way to survive as an “I” inside all of that explosiveness – she took on a role of “the seductress” that was given to her from she was very small: “Oh you LIKE this don’t you, you little whore” – in that moment, “she” saw that “she” had power over the man – there was something in her that he HAD to have – “she” had the power to make him want her.This strategy allowed her to feel power – meaning that not all of her disintegrated and was split off.

Meeting that part of me now, I see her intense shame, and can support her: “I am so sorry for what happened to you, And I am so grateful that you choose to find a way to feel power AT ALL – that saved you from being crushed.”

When seen and honored and not judged, she softens and deep crying comes. It is her crying, not mine, and I am there as her loving parent,/observer, witness – encouraging her to feel and express now when she is not alone.

AND:
I recognize how this way of being – “the seductress” – has been a – for me – invisible part. At a retreat in Primal Therapy years ago, a man pointed that out to me – in group, openly – and there was an immediate split in the group: one other person agreed with him and the rest attacked him for being so cruel –

But he was right, bless him – and I see now how it is not to be judged at all in me, and therefore not in others either – now I know what lies beneath it and cries for loving attention: please stop this torture, I am dying.

There also was a deeper level of insight:

I saw how that little one held onto an old decision:

I will NEVER let go of my anger and hate! It is a RIGHTEOUS anger – and I will keep it until somebody notices it and asks me what is going on and stops him/them and punishes them.

In a Family Constellation-group 20 years ago or so, I noticed a tremendous fear and grief arising when my father-part “died ” – and I was supposed to let him go. I could NOT do it – and now I realize that only as long as he was alive and did his torture, that “power-part,” ‘desirable – me’ was alive too – meaning that when he died, I/ it would die to.

I now fully realize the power – and IDENTITY – I have given to that part – the little girl who has to be “sexy and slutty” in order to be wanted, allowed, given power. I see how much I have judged that part of my sexuality/self too – and how much LIFE there is in that part.

HOW important it is to SEE this part with only love now: “of course you chose this. It helped us survive then.”

NOW I notice: that as long as that former vow about keeping the anger and that image of me is intact, I CANNOT accept LOVE. The vow of righteous anger prevents it.

So NOW I choose to acknowledge it, honor it
and allow it to be transmuted by the Love that heals and transmutes all things

Objectification

Black Sheep

I need to share this-about trusting the process – only looking back at the last week can I see the exquisite order of all that has happened inside and outside –
I have been aware that I am going through a process of receiving a part of me that has been split off for maybe centuries – for sure in this life – I have been aware of her for at least 30 years, I am 73 now, this is how much work and willingness it has taken me to truly BE with that energy of being banished – driven away – this is the energy of the one who carries the guilt for all – that be in the family or in cases of people being cast out of the country, dying in the desert.
Thank God I had that role when I was a child in this life – that has made it possible to TRULY feel it now and let it go
Weeping writing this – but relieved
The two last weeks have night and days been filled with processing this child/archetype, always new parts of her, new nuances – always more love and compassion – than seemingly back to the same aches and pains everywhere, and complains “when will it stop” and “what am I doing wrong”
Last week the very archetype of the black sheep has been blooming and sharing and been heard and loved and processed in me. I was led to the exercises I posted by Prune Harris- joining breast /heart and womb – then  a teacher’s webcast last Sunday . And yesterday there was 2 new episodes of “Call the midwife” on TV- I missed them and agonized quite a bit – until I saw, last night, that I could replay them on the PC. So this morning I did – and this was an episode with strong metaphors for exactly where I am in the unraveling process of my life-story, and the archetypes constituting it!
This week “Midwife” presented a story about a sailor who seemed to have smallpox – but it turned out to be Leprosy! Again a symbol of the one being shunned and cast out. In this episode, English 60-ies, they were told that Leprosy is not contagious and that one can heal with the right treatment. And the leprous one met with a nun who told him ” we are never adrift when he have faith. It is our anchor.” And she gave him her bible, and he gave her the wooden cross he had clung to –
The other metaphor for me, that was the crucial one for me, was a woman who was terrified to give birth – she had a terrible memory of her last one, where the fetus was dragged out of her with metal pliers. She had locked herself in the bathroom to kill herself, when one of the midwife-nuns talked her SO lovingly out of the room and out of that locked and terrified state of mind – and just HELD the loving gaze.
It was here when at last what may seem as the final phase for me was healed – those minutes when the last fear leaves and the trust takes over for the one in panic of birthing, and the one who just HOLDS the loving glance and contact
There was a huge wave inside me of release and crying – the part that KNOWS at last : THIS IS IT – I am being SEEN and RECEIVED just as I am, just as I feel, just with my baggage – and there is ONLY LOVE
And then I hear Spirit:
And NOW can you truly appreciate the guidance and experiences last week_:) You needed to see this episode AFTER last nights processing – yes?
Absolutely so

Simple and powerful self-healing techniques for stress

 

Three very helpful energy-therapy techniques for releasing stress

https://youtu.be/Hy7k5Bgk2MM

https://youtu.be/XlP22-0YwW

https://youtu.be/CB7QxQlrgps

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

The Center of the Cyclone

I am frequently exploring levels of insanity. For the most, it comes in the night waking me up, some inner part is frantic with fear. I go to the Inner Garden where I meet my inner child/children, for now there is a 15-year old who seems to carry the most of it. This night, as I spoke to her and she gradually became more at ease, I was led to a memory when I was 5. That was the same year that I got scarlet fever and deeply wanted to “get outta here.”

In this memory I was sanding outside the church nearby, where I used to play alone. There was a pond there with frogs, puff-ball and several trees, I felt safe. This day, though, a wild wind was whipping, it grew to tremendous proportions, and suddenly I experienced that I was lifted from the ground and placed safely inside the still center of it. I saw myself hover over the ground, leaves whipping in circles around me, and I could not be touched.

Completely utterly safe HERE at this silent center.

Then: the parson was running out from his house 20 meters away, swooped me up in his arms and into his house.

I knew this man well – he was the father of my best friend.

Again I felt perfectly safe

*

So now, as I spent time with my inner 15-year-old, I let her know that I held her, it was safe to experience the “insanity” as pure energy, SHE WAS HELD AND SAFE. I saw her becoming all black – stiff – ice-cold – then shaking wildly in the same way that the wind had shaken me at that time. As the adult me, I realized that the wind may have been INSIDE her, and that she by Grace had discovered the silent center of that insanity-cyclone and rested there.

So now I just witnessed her and “held” her with my Love until she finished shaking. I saw her change from pitch black to normal skin color, and then she shared and expressed what she needed to – mostly she needed to hear that she had a reason to have felt this way – and that SHE was not insane – the insanity was the very ground her family was driven from.

As that old judgment fell, she started to come back to her self. We  agreed that next time the energy approached, she could CHOOSE to place herself in the calm center of the insanity-cyclone.

Now the same thing happened as a couple of days ago – deep peace grew forth, shining Light permeated the sick energy

-all because of our willingness to be with the energy, to allow it – and  being HELD and LOVED while it lasted.

Water Station


Dream: it is night. The sky is enormous. There are new star constellations:  they are now red – like a miniature milky way. I point them out to a fellow traveler: Look! LOOK! She has nothing to say, and I instantly give her power to take my excitement away.

Instead of the myriad of train tracks, there is now water. Crowds of people stand on the platforms, the water is dark.

I have a boat! An old plastic boat, like the ones in the sixties. I maneuver it clumsily, since there seems to be no oars-still, the stream in the water takes me in the direction I want to go.

There is a strong energy of insanity in the air

*

Awake, I go into the Rose garden where I meet my inner children. I find an 11-year-old and also a 14-year-old and a 15-year-old. I tell them I am there for them, to listen and love and support them. They are terrified of dying and being caught in this field of insanity, where there seems to be demons everywhere. And it so happens that I, as Christ Self, hold them and witness them and they feel safe feeling all of that agony – that is possible as soon as they are being loved. Now they are not alone.

It takes some time, but we have it.

They realize that they see everybody around them through filters of terror and confusion. Gradually they realize that it is safe to look WITHOUT these filters.

The children think THEY have to change the insanity-energy – I tell them, NO – the only thing they have to do, is to ALLOW the Light to do it FOR them and THROUGH them. Willingness to surrender the “doing” is all it takes.

They recognize that their hands are bone dry, there is no moist inside.Their terror has chased all feelings and water away in their bodies. I call forth the Angel of Water, and gently she arrives and takes her place inside us, watering our bone dry places, our deserts of postulating that we are without Love. We are willing to be wrong 🙂 and how lovely it is to be wrong about the belief that we are stuck in agony-land

I see how many of the babies here are frozen within this fear too.  And smiling I witness my healing children running to them and picking them up, singing to them, humming, stroking, embracing, rocking them, singing

 

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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