The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

Freedom from guilt

Epoch-making dream:

I am in this house, where my mother now lives with me. She returns late( or early in the morning) with many noisy friends, and I go ballistic in my self-righteousness: they are ruining the very small sleep-segments I have, how inconsiderate, how cruel!

At first I SCREAM at my mother – and she does not react or respond at all! She takes no blame! I am trying to hit her, but I don’t succeed  – I am not able to.

There is NO resistance in her – she fully knows Who she is. And she also give me no” oh poor you, you must be so tired.”

I now attack verbally her guests – two other woman and one man. I am spewing malevolence, and they start to answer back. The energy becomes very nasty.

I leave them and go out – and there is my bed, all white, the mattress  and duvet directly on the ice, now in the middle of a  vast frozen lake.

The two ladies and the man appear – and the atmosphere is quite different. The one lady smiles radiantly to me.

I am having a cataract-operation tomorrow, and have visualized how I want it to be – all sunshine and love and caring. For the first time do I realize how much repression there is in that – and that the invitation now is to just allow people and things to be as they are – and me too. But – and it’s a big but – I don’t need to see them as guilty or grumpy or nasty or unfeeling etc – I can and will bless them in the integrity of their being.

That decision relaxed me enormously. There is no pushing from my side now, for a certain behavior from others for me to feel safe. I AM safe.

I realize today that every time somebody has answered irritated or angry, I  – or a child-part in me – have deep down believed that they do so because there’s something wrong with me – deep unconscious guilt.

Today I see that they lash out because they believe deep down that THEY have done something wrong – are guilty.

Just as I thought my mom and her visitors were at fault that I could not sleep – no, I was at fault, believing that I am full of guilt, expect to be punished and therefore harbor attack-thoughts. I saw attackers outside, but they were really my own self-attack thoughts, projected outside.

As The Course tells us all humans do.

Is somebody seems to attack me or accuse me or blame me, they are feeling bad and projecting it on me. The only sane response is to bless them.

This has been a very peaceful day.

sweet dreams

In a very messy room, ( I think it belonged to me :)) I found a strange and beautiful object. It was made by metal, small and compact, and as I looked at it I could see glitches. I wriggled it a bit, and as by miracle it folded out like a flower – or a miraculous version of the Swiss pen-knife.

It consisted of knife,fork, teaspoon and soup-spoon.

All helpers for taking in nourishment.

It was all there, folded into One

Given by Grace

Received in gratefulness

First Love

We were 19 and 21 years old when we met in the same class at the College for arts and crafts. Our love was cataclysmic – the energy of us two together had the strangest effects on our surroundings – like furniture making strong and strange sounds when we were not even touching. He told me it could not be us – as he had betrothed himself to his girlfriend when they were thirteen! He told me that he was the only support this girl had and that he could not disappoint her or leave her.

So after one year he decided that he had to move to another city and continue his education there.

Last kiss

You are returning to
Your native village
Where your old girlfriend is waiting for you
The one you promised to take care of
From you were thirteen
We kiss in the car, steam pearling on windows,
Enclosed in a small cave of steam, bodies
Dissolving
I open the door,
The sound of the raging waterfalls
Close by
Receives us
This is our last together

And right in front of us
A red fox stops
In the middle of the road
Looks at us
And disappears into the wood

This night I worked with a “part” that makes me feel ice cold and which eats like a wolf. Being with it made me shift in and out of consciousness, but still it was aware that I was with it in a loving way.

And I dreamt about my first love – (which I have done a thousand times, and mostly stressfully) – this time there were no blocks between us, neither inside or outside.

I realized – I saw – that we shared the same violent aggressive energy in our bodymind that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When Fear Comes Home to love”. And at the time we came together, our common unconsciousness propelled us together like a powerful magnet –

I suggest that since I have worked the last 25 years actively with relating to that energy with kindness, working with that energy last night touched his soul too, and we met in a state of mind/dream where there were no more blocks

My gratefulness is unbounded

 

Miracle Cell Phone

My new cell phone has lost battery power from the day i bought it. I have told it to mirror ONLY what is helpful, so I have seen this loss of energy as a sign to me to SLOW down, relax, walk, pause, rest.Today it topped its performance:
It refused to go past 77% uploaded. I charged and charged and to no avail – until it dawned to me – ohmygod it means 1977!


That’s when my first and only daughter was born – ahh – THAT’S the energy I currently have overwhelming me – a HUGE terror at being a MOM – and this morning I slowly meticulously walked out of it by stating that I wanted the GOD-essence within this terror and nothing else.

It was after having done this – and enjoyed the slow and powerful warmth that grew forth – that I understood that the cell phone-power status 77 WAS a message.

The cell phone is lying right here, charging from the PC. For 3 hours now it has refused to go past 77. The minute I realized it, it started going up.

Now I rest in 1977-energy, chaos and terror, calling out its essence fully, sharing it with you all.

And offering a playful poem I wrote in May this year – since that came from this playful essence we all share ♥

SPACE

My words have newly rained here
Now drying themselves up
In May sunbeams
Windows open in houses
Come in, come in!
I can’t and I won’t

Space, I say, Space!

They don’t hear me

SPACE!
I don’t live inside it
I offer myself to it
Becoming its hostess

Hostess I am:
Milky Way hair
Wolf eyes looking at pups
Savannah ears
Nose knowing of sub-terrain tunnels
Light-house lips
Sarepta hips
Breasts like surprised white lamb clouds
Sallow arms, Birch hands,
Legs like leaping Antelopes
Butterfly vagina
And kitten toes

You spot me and enter my Space
I can’t be had

Rainbow smile

And the cellphone is now 100% charged – just as I am 🙂

 

 

Sakina

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:  http://beautywelove.blogspot.com/
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
 
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine

Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this

*

For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark Night of the Soul

With permission from Pamela Kribbe, this is an excerpt from her book “Dark Night of the Soul.” I love to quote this here – I found my personality-type perfectly described in the beginning of her book, and it has been a huge help for me, since the description so clear.

And so it might be helpful for some of my readers too.

These words come from  Pamela’s Mary Magdalene – channeling:

Those patterns that repeat themselves – now look at them as boulders in a stream. They are still worn down and pushed by the water that moves past them. Remember that you ARE the living water! The more you remind yourself of this, the more you can reclaim the energy from the boulders and stones in the stream.

There is pain from the past that continues to be there, you don’t have to downplay it, but neither do you have to hug those boulders from the river. You only have to remind yourself that YOU are the water!

I am this huge waterway – an actual life-force. The flow has no judgments about the boulders that it encounters – it engulfs them.  You do have a choice!

The more you withdraw your identity from these blockages, the rocks that lie there, the more easily the current can dislodge them and carry them down with the flow. They are dislodged and liberated because your release your identity with them and instead identify with the dynamic moving water. The water is your Soul and it cannot be restrained.

Our soul is not at all troubled by the boulders and their size, because It knows they are an integral part of the landscape of life. Try to, when you feel you are imprisoned within one such boulder, to HEAR the water rushing by.

About darkness:

Do not be afraid of darkness  –  welcome it! When you say yes, it begins to release and flow, and that is the art of living this life. And when you can’t really say yes to this, remember that there is something in you that still says yes. That is what will save you and bring you further along – trust in life!

 

The Dream of Sloppiness

This morning I had a dream where I was about to serve a supper for about 30 people. My mother and I did it together. The guests were all seated, and I discovered that there was no PLAN or structure here. The kitchen (which was enormous) with all kind of equipment was in complete chaos: there were a lot of grilled chickens EVERYWHERE – but I knew that I could not be certain there were FULLY COOKED with no Campylobacteria. Sloppy!
 
My mother was even more distracted than me, we were both worried about what the guests were thinking (and judging) so I tried to yell at HER to not make this MY FAULT.
 
VERY usual feeling, this: THEY need and expect something from ME and all my attention goes on HOW I am perceived by THEM.
 
So I asked Guidance for help and It said “19.” That means quote 19 in my wise-words-book at my night-table. I picked the book up – and it was already opened on 19! Which is the note I am sharing here. And I notice HOW excellently I am aligned with Source each time I ask for guidance – but else “I am having a really sloppy receiver that could tune into many different channels at the same time.”
Here is the quote from Abraham.  What is in italic is what I need most of all to focus on NOW:
There are a lot of people who know they are empathetic, they are sensitive to Energy – but we don’t want you to be sensitive to all of the energies. That would be like having a really sloppy receiver in your vehicle that could tune into many different channels at the same time, and all you want to do is listen to some satisfying music but you’re getting all this static and chat because your tuner isn’t tuned. That’s really what it’s about.
 
It takes a little practice, but most of all it takes understanding why you do it. And why you do it is because you’re trying to exercise your influence over them by getting them to see you as you want them to see you. So you’re real interested on an almost word by word basis, thinking I say this and then you respond, I say this and then you respond, and you care too much about their response. We want you to not care at all about anybody’s response to you.
 
Let your relationship with your Source Energy be what’s dominant to you. Most people, first of all, don’t really know that Source exists for them, they don’t know that Source is interested in them, they don’t really understand that your Inner Being is projecting a steady thought that you could pick up on, they don’t understand that they have an Inner Being who has an opinion about everything that they have an opinion about, so therefore they don’t understand their own Guidance System. So most people have sort of been frantically searching for some form of guidance from someone. And when you really, really care about it, then you’re looking for it everywhere.
 
Q: Yeah. I’m trying to separate mine from theirs, it’s what I feel like I need to do.
 
A: It doesn’t have anything to do with them, it’s only about what’s going on with you. Some years ago we offered an analogy, a really good one, really appropriate for this conversation: We said imagine a light board about as big as this carpet, and it has all of those little LED lights on it and you’re one of the lights. So, you focus on something and you light up based upon what you’re focused upon, and every other light on the vibrational board that is where you are lights up, too. And that equals your world; that’s who in the room is a vibrational match to you.
 
And you can control how you light up. So let’s say they’re all lighted up on something that is not beneficial, like disease or war, but you’re not because you’ve been meditating or you’ve been playing your musical instrument or you’re tuned-in, tapped-in, turned-on, so even though they’re lighted up that way, they have no influence and no attraction power in your life experience because you’re offering a different vibration.
So what we’re getting at is you pick the tune that you’re strumming, you pick the vibrational frequency that you’re broadcasting, and only things that are a vibrational match to that would be in your sphere of influence, or you in the sphere of that influence.
Does that make sense?
Q: Yes, that makes total sense.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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