The Arborist

I just had such a radiant example of projection of another – projecting all my fear, confusion and “not finding words” on him. He is an arborist – he climbs trees and cut away what is needed, with love.
I asked for 5 different arborists to make an offer, and this guy answered first, in a very clumsy way – only a few words on my cellphone. The horrible energy I felt, I was certain I picked up from him. 1) I went directly into enemy/victim mode – BUT I was aware of it and gave thanks for it. I worked most of the first night melting my usual automatic fearful experience – knowing that it was my perception of him that created this.
Next day the fear was changed in a way – he was no longer seen as an actual threat – now it was impossible to get a clear answer from him on my phone if I could have a written contract. He omitted answering the request again and again – and then told me he was dyslectic. I immediately supported him by sharing how I recognized all the troubles he must have had – and that lightened the connection remarkably.
Then I was in agony one more night – since now the mind brooded about that he was volatile and would fall into attack or strange ways of relating.( I have had A LOT of encounters with these kind of men in my childhood and youth – so no wonder!)
I held onto acknowledging how I felt AND looking beyond it, and blessed the space around us and between us. LOTS of blessing:)
In the morning I called him again to set up an appointment for him to come and look at the huge Beech I have in my garden. Beeches are very rare in Norway! I am the proud owner ( or friend) of her beauty. But last year she has grown TREMENDOUSLY in all directions ( hmm just like me :)) and she needs some “pruning” to get more air.
His voice was quite different. Deeper, much more space inside him. Patient now. We both spoke differently. And as he before had complained about having FAR too little time to come and look, now he said he could come at once.
So he came. He was tall and beautiful. I told him what I wanted, and he listened. And said: ” I want to give her what SHE needs and wants. What is best for HER.”And I started to cry from happiness, and the Beech was VERY happy, radiantly happy.
We smiled to each other, and I told him if it had not been for the Corona, I had been hugging him crazy right now.
And oh how wonderful it feels to know that whatever I think belongs to others of the old attack/victim pattern, and judge, is part of my soul  – now to be melted with love and release in the One mind

Hide and Seek

For those who love to play with metaphors – I wrote this hide-and seek – and FIND-poem some years ago.
Convincing
I challenge you to find me I said,
Behind whatever disguises I offer!
I will find you, he said, even if you hide
In the crack between centuries.
I turned myself into a deserted
Garden, rusty iron fence with croaking
Hinges, whining and complaining at
Human touch. Dry and brown spotted
Leaves on the ground, cracked flagstones
With tired yellow grass
I filled the sad house with mold and cold,
Dust and rust, and hid my heart in the cellar.
My disguise was so convincing that I
Disappeared into it, I became the deserted
House with coleoptera, spider webs as curtains,
I forgot it was a game
For eons I forgot
Then – one day the sky was filled with pink
Like a bed sheet of happiness drawn all up to one’s nose
And you sun-rained through the cracked roof
Into my creation!
You met me in the cellar stairs
And grinned
And I remembered that I thought I could be lost!
How did you recognize me, I asked
And you just shook your head at such
Silliness
What took you so long, I said
And you said: beloved, we just parted
My heart burst out in daffodils
We frolicked for quite a while
And then I wanted to play hide again
It feels so darn good to be
Found
And seen through
 Feel free to share, provided you give me credit for it:)

Dis-identifying

Slowly SLOWLY it dawns on me a knowing that I am finished connecting memories and feelings and seeing that as a prerequisite for healing and wellbeing. That ALWAYS brings great peace – but only for a few minutes, it seems. Now, since I started using the procedures in Wholeness Worksand doing the online training . it dawns on me that I, like the rest of the Corona-stricken humanity, are  pushed out of old modalities and forced to go deeply into the very kinesthetic about suffering -the felt sense, the sensation quality of anything.

What has repeated itself faithfully in my life is this: after each beautiful full healing, “something” goes right back to the usual stress and agony and chaosmind-mode – and the frequency of that is very low. What happened now were a change in my mind: instead of agonizing, I noticed the sensation of all that muck and chaos- collective thoughts – and I heard myself resonating, “I could be the awareness of all of that – instead of automatically identifying with it.

I was aware that I automatically had identified with ANY feeling that came to me – and that there had to be a part inside that chose to do that.

And that that part must be very old – and young – and that I now could gently invite it to accept the invitation to merge and integrate in and AS awareness – which is all around and inside with no edges and no judgments.

I did not sense that it said yes – but all the same, I felt a seeping of the low frequency energy into the full field of awareness.

The freedom felt indescribable. What was stunning was that I breathed much freer.

And it comes from a clear choice to BE the awareness of the suffering.

 

 

PERFECTION

Good Company

Since the Corona arrived, in Norway we very fast realized that we might starve to death and after we had bough ut all the toilet paper we bought seeds.

I dug up quite some beds in my garden and planted lots of seeds inside in March. Mostly tomato seeds. I had trust and planted two seeds in a big pot for what I was certain to be a formidable grand bush of tomatoes.
In one month it grew to the two first tiny leaves – and there it stopped. It stem never grew thicker than a sowing thread. Then it withered. And so it went with the others too .

Then after 2 months of this I decided to toughen in up and let it stay outside all the time.That helped – it now grew up more robust, but still max 1/2 cm tall.

That lasted until three days ago, when I asked both plants – in their big pots – what was wrong. At once they started to wail, and one of them said with a low voice ” we’re lonely. We need company!”

I felt ashamed but happy that they were so straightforward. And I promptly placed them in my mint bed with roots from here to China.
Two days later one has sprouted new leaves and smiles at me – the other seems a bit crippled but we will see what happens now when he is in a loving environment.

The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

Laser intention

I intend – that is where it’s at for me now.

My electromagnetic helpers – PC, cell-alarm, el. Kitchen scales  – all “sabotage” me – until I state clearly what I intend: I intend to write this text without irritation and errors.

My kitchen scales faded out in the middle of measuring ingredients for sourdough bread three times now- latest today. Then my inner lamp lightened up – ah – I need to INTEND clearly = means perfect focus on what I am doing.

No more sabotage. I sensed my whole self came together harmoniously.

Yesterday I wanted to correct a small recorder that lately had played my voice in double tempo. I have tried for three months to set it to slow, following the written brochure, with no avail. Yesterday I intended to turn it to slow. I did the usual routine – that had not worked for 3 months – and something very unusual happened: my vision somehow scrambled, and  very  slowly I watched the image of the recorder  enlarge, and I witnessed my own recorded too-fast-voice slowly adjusting itself back to normal. It felt like I actually manipulated time itself. Then the letters SLOW appeared on the screen.

As above so below. As the outer, so the inner.

I intend that this post helps hundreds to do the same adjustment with their mind – if  they want to:)

LIONS

Dream: I am on my way to school – and the landscape I traverse, a vast Savannah, is filled with lions. I look right ahead, as I am not really caring about this, I “know” that if I look at them, they will see it as an invitation to rip me to pieces.

Waking up, I sense the agonized fear in my nervous system. AND I realize the tremendous gift: Now I have that raw fear of death right HERE – and NOW I can sit with that little girl inside, listen, allowing  her to express.

This fear is the very ground of that “thumping motion” in my solar plexus that earlier caused severe dizziness – God bless this chakra for storing up so much agony and still allowing me to live with joy and curiosity.

And so I sit – and the energy slowly abates. Divinity is present

Hm. Could it be that these dream lions just wanted to play?  And to allow me to hug their great heads and listen to their low satisfied rumbling , cats that they are?

I wonder how it would feel for dream-Leelah to do this

 

Looking with Love

When you have made a clear intention of waking up, you will be supported by your own Divine “team” that is always with you. In my team is Jesus/Jeshua, St.Germain, Archangel Michael, Avalokiteshvara, the Marys, Quan Yin and quite som others – all have been involved in guiding me in different ways. There are also some guardians who love to play – and there are few things I enjoy more than strange and hilarious synchronicities that show up. They WILL show up for you too, when you make the clear decision to wake up: I am willing to see things differently, as A Course in Miracles hammers in in the first lessons: I am willing to see with the eyes of love – Christ Vision, Jeshua calls it.

Here is a case-story* where Blue** plays with us:

4 Looking with love / 2006

When Maria arrived for session, I sensed a shock in her system. When I directed her attention to that, she immediately became ice-cold. We found out what year the shock had occurred, and she realized that this was a shock she had picked up from her mother. The shock was lodged in her sexual organs. She remembered that her mother had been very anxious in those years, and that her fear had been about having another baby – she already had three. So she aborted the fourth one.

When we removed the emotional shock-charge, she felt warmth and release, and we both felt grounding and safety.

But Mud***did not like this. “What if this does not last? What if tomorrow everything is like before? I will NOT let down my guard. Nope! You can’t make me!”

Now I asked Maria to speak for the skeptic Mud, and inside me I suddenly found much love for this voice: I saw it as the part of us that vigilantly did what we had ordered it to do: look out for anything that could set off the original dreadful life-threatening shock – going into the familiar role of terrorized victim. So we started with thanking Mud for his love and loyalty for us – and suggested that now that we had found a method that could remove the charge from the shock, Mud could go into pension – or at least get some holidays. “He” thought a bit about that, but was afraid to disappear if he didn’t work as much as before. When I asked him what he really would love to do for himself, if he could chose, he told us that he loved beauty. I invited him, via Maria, out into my garden, to pick one living thing of beauty and bring it back with him. From the door to the garden “he” spotted it immediately: a dandelion. It was one of the not- perfect-ones, but beautiful all the same. Maria picked it and brought it back into the room. When she sat down, I “saw” Maria’s deceased mother pointing to Maria’s black purse on the floor, asking her to look inside. I mentioned it to Maria, and she started looking – nothing – and then a big smile: “Here it is. At the bottom.” She managed to list out a bunch of keys. “These are the keys to my childhood-house.”

Beautiful metaphor: “I have the key to my childhood with me / within me.”

Now I asked Maria to write a short text about her experience with the beauty of the dandelion. She wrote:

“When I look at you – the weed – I see beauty. But I also look at all the weed in my own life, stuff in relationships that is really looking like a mess. All this is beautiful when I look at it with love.”

I thought of Victor Frankl, the great writer who survived concentration-camp by realizing that there is one freedom the despots can never take away from us – the freedom of choosing our attitude. Looking with LOVE – or judgment.

Suddenly Maria exclaims “Look – here is a tiny snail, it came with the flower!” We admire the tiniest snail I ever saw – it looks new-born, its little house still transparent. Its tiny antlers are moving, and it is slowly crawling over Maria’s notes from the session. Now it stopped – I wonder what word it has stopped by – it is “beauty.” Good choice for a resting place. There it moves on – away from beauty – but no, it changes its mind and crawls back to beauty. And pulls the antlers in (2mm long) and sleeps.

This is what we call “beauty-sleep.” (Couldn’t resist).

***********

 

*Case story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, see right menu

** Blue – my inner guide through out 30 years who guided me in the process of writing “When fear Comes Home to Love.”

***Mud = Mudmonster: a deep and painful defense-mechanism , painting the devil on the wall

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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