The Inner Hunger

It is a place in my back that constantly itches. I feel it is directly outside the black mass that is visible inside the lungs ( nothing dangerous, says the doctor.) But a black mass is something that is very tightly repressed and judged, from my experience.
I zoomed into it as never before, and contacted a part that was never witnessed when small – and as a consequence, never got to learn how to express feelings – not even to herself. I felt great tenderness for her and she felt it.

I asked, “what is your own freedom?” “ To KNOW what I feel and feel safe to express it” she said. “ To trust that what I feel is Okay.” And now she felt seen and safe and not judged.
So I went into the very core of that desperation, validating her – “of course you would feel like that” again and again – until it was empty.

The itching went away.
I have recently set an intention to wake up inside a dream – lucid dreaming. It has not happened yet. This morning after the deep feelings, I had a dream that was very vivid – and I decided to move back afterwards, when I was awake – what Jung calls active imagination. It worked fine.

The dream: There is a powerful lady who knows how to catch huge fishes – man-size. There were three of them – pitch black and beautiful. Very sensuous – there was a cat-feeling around them. They were standing up, looking at me with eyes brimming with love.

She caught them to eat them – but I did not want to cut their throat and eat them, they were sentient beings, like angels even.
As soon as I made that decision, they turned snow-white. They told me they just wanted me to sit there with them and absorb their energy – the Christ within them. “You need do nothing.”
Ego needs to kill to eat. Spirit assimilates.

I saw how I had made those huge feelings black by judging them. I wonder if that mass may disappear now.

I do that with food: bless its original essence, calling it forth.

The usual crazy hunger is absent today

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Hungry Ghost – or the cravings for sugar

This is an invitation!
What if we, when the cravings come, choose to sit down with the very energy of it – and ask Spirit to hold us and replacing our insane choice for sugar with LOVE. I do this now daily after dinner – where the cravings are intense for DESSERT, coffee with sweetener and milk and so on. This has worked well for me the last three days. ” I want LOVE / GOD MORE than this. Reminder- it is not YOU who wants sugar, it is a PART OF us that we have conditioned.-There is just this imp who wants sugar and I want to be the one who decides.
 
Then we just allow the energy of craving to BE there. The main reason it is so strong is that we hate it and judge it – and therefore we drive it deeper into the dark, giving it more power. What we resist, persists.
– We do this for as long as we have decided: after dinner I do it for ten minutes. I tell it: I love you and I bless you, and I forgive you the judgments I have placed upon you. You use your words.
 
I know that when we do this as a WE, we will be blessed with huge help from Spirit: now there is more momentum behind the decision.
 
The thing in the brain that is addicted to crave sugar – is something that needs to feel nourished, and fed, and satisfied. Now we feed it when allowing LOVE to come into it. We may tell it I LOVE YOU AND I BLESS YOU.
 
When resistance screams ” I do not love this I HATE THIS” this is a part that plays into this vortex of craving. And it is exactly THIS part that needs love
 
Guidance tells me that when a number of us wants to do this experiment for a week, the momentum towards healing will be much larger than when we try it out for ourselves.
 
If we do just 20 seconds of this each time we feel a craving, that is vastly better than nothing.
 
Summing it up:
 
When craving comes, notice it, sit down if possible, breathe and pray that HS replaces our choice for a substitute for LOVE with the real thing – and that we are willing to receive the real thing. Stating that we are willing to RECEIVE LOVE is vital here. It is of course available always.
 
This is SO vital: I am willing to see that I have CHOSEN the sugar-substitute for LOVE and now I truly choose the REAL thing instead. I have no problem seeing where it came from – in my case,my mother realized that when i started to look like a certain way – needing something she could not give – she gave me chocolate instead. Of course I saw it as her way of loving me – the way she felt safe with. I don’t even need to judge it.
 
So. Anybody up for this? meaning, at least being willing to FEEL and breathe with the very craving-energy itself for some time-and inviting LOVE instead.
 
What you do afterwards is up to you – please lets not judge ourselves if we still take that bite – the invitation is to PAUSE before we take that bite and find out, is the urge still as big? and then take it or not.
Of course this will call on earlier needs and feelings that you have fed with sugar. Now is the opportunity to ALLOW God’s LOVE to pour into these old wounds: they cannot be healed until we embrace them.
So important to notice – we do NOT do this alone, people
– May we at least be willing to try this out for one week and then maybe report back here in the thread?
 
I am committed! If you are in, please this post
 
There is such joy around me writing this!
Comments very welcome

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Aligning with Source

Incredible exciting things are happening – it’s all about alignment. “ I choose to love only God”  evolves joyfully into “ I choose to align with Love.”

1)I have hearing aids the last 4-5 years. For me, not hearing good is connected with something I do not want to hear. And again for me, that has turned out to be God or Self.

This morning there was after 3 days constant practice easy to align.

I went to the PC in the morning – my favorite means for distraction, and an old pattern – to  need closeness from others to feel safe and OK. Needing approvement  from the outside has always laid at the bottom  of the “me” I have created – as my main lifeline.

Now I was asked by Spirit to stay in focus.

I worked with a manuscript for a magazine, and saw something on my desktop, and started to edit a text from Jeshua, coming through Judith Coates. I had copied it from a Newsletter and the formatting needed editing. It took a lot of time, I grew heavy and dense and exhausted.

I stopped the work – and asked Spirit “where did I fall off the horse?” And immediately saw the editing. I was editing Jeshua words into a more space-economical form J

The moment I recognized it, all the power came rushing back, I was fully present.

2) At breakfast, I had decided to not end the breakfast with something sweet – usually bread with honey and cinnamon. This has been my habit for years. I found a reason not to break the habit J and felt heavy and sluggish.  And yes, it was not because of the honey, but because I had changed my decision and broken a promise to my self.

Now too did the life force return pretty instantaneous.

3) I was stitching. Gradually feeling exhausted. Realized that underlying the process was  again the old pattern of hoping for approvement from others stitchers on Facebook. I stopped and spoke to Spirit again, affirming that I wanted to ALIGN and do the work WITH this alignment.

What I before ( and now) thought was the effect of low blood sugar now realigned itself into full presence within a minute.

Very exciting it is, very promising – and very demanding when it comes to focus on alignment. Burt it has also truly convincing: I want this alignment MOST OF ALL. It is simply HOME.

 

 

I will not go until you bless me

When the agony came in the night, I heard myself say out loud, but so tenderly: I will turn around and bless you.

I have always been fascinated with the story in the Bible when the man with leprose grabs Jeshua’s coat and says this to him. Googling for this now, I see that I have mixed two stories: The story about Jacob wrestling with the angel, and the leper wanting Jesus to heal him. I was certain that the leper had said “I will not let you go until you bless me” – and googling now, I see that those were Jacob’s words.

Those words  still carry great meaning and truth: I cannot heal what I first have not blessed.

In A Course of Miracles, J tells us to say this internally when we feel threatened by another: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I have practiced this often – i remember particularly one hot train-day back home, when very unpleasant behavior in other train passengers changed and melted  like butter in the sun – only because I was willing to see their true nature.

So in the night I by Grace turned toward the agony and said this, and extreme tensions  I have carried for a whole life and probably more, started to melt out of me. I realized I had contributed to their being there, by always intensely resisting them and judging them and myself.

Gradually I was helped to see that the agony consisted of a myriad of judged feelings and thoughts – and that the healing consisted of simply accepting them now, seeing them as neutral, not giving them any power by giving them meaning and telling stories about them.

This morning I wanted to share this here, and googled for the original words from the leper. Google brought me to this site – which is not what I was looking for, but what I needed:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/i-will-not-let-you-go-unless-you-bless-me

 

 

A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

Decisions and signs from a giggly Spirit

This is about the power of decision as Jeshua /Jesus teaches in A Course in Miracles and “Way of Mastery.”

I obviously has a Self who loves to have fun.

After last days webcast, I have practiced a lot: I choose – I decide.

And so my electrical and electronic devises co-play with me.  That started with the outdoor-lamp some 7-8 years ago – then the cellphone and its alarm and its clock ( recently its time showed 1.5 hours in my future – meaning “ I am living in my future, not here, now.”

So true. It brought me right bake to HERE

Yesterday, my electrical toothbrush started acting up. It started and stopped without my pushing the button.What is that about, Blue? “YOU decide when to turn on and turn off. Be IN the action.” Oh of course! Thank you.

Then I got an idea to go to the food-store and to listen to a podcast in my mp3. I can’t find the mp3. Searching, irritated, scared . When I pass the bathroom there is a loud crash. I open the door – the electrical tooth-brush WITH its pretty heavy holder has jumped off the cupboard it stands upon and landed in the middle of the floor.

When I stop and breathe, I know I forgot to choose consciously – I now feel a clear difference energetically between deciding “I will go the food-store and listen to the mp3” and TRULY putting my will  and Presence behind that decision.

Everything around me is concerting in putting me in the right place of decision.

Intention  commitment decision consistency persistence devotion…

Devotion I have for sure. Now consistency and congruence in practice is adamant.

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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