What do you Want?

I took a course in Yoga for Lungs today! What do my lungs need to tell me? A partner danced it for me – I need to actually consciously, with will and choice, receive the Light from Above. Shivers when I write this.

Going home by bus afterwards was really complicated – the first snow had arrived, and there were mile long ques. I actually knocked on a car windows to ask if the person was driving in my direction. A woman said yes, and then drove in a different direction, which chocked me a bit – now I was even longer from home. I stood at a bus stop there to return to where I had come from – aaargggh – and a car stopped right at my bus stop. The woman inside did not see me, she was talking in her cellphone. I walked to the car and knocked at the window. She put the phone down and took me in. I said inside; “I am ready for a miracle now. Give me joy!”

The woman was gorgeous with many long rastabraids, and not from my country. After some minutes she told me she was going in another direction than me, and I said OK , I can walk from here – when she said, how many minutes to drive from here? “Five” I said, and she said “ I will drive you home.”

Shivers up my back. She told me how she had needed 5 minutes help from someone today, and nobody would help her – so she chose to help me instead.

My heart opened wide, I was touched that she reacted to others unhelpfulness with helpfulness and told her. We found out that we were both textile artists  – how about that! We shared or names –she was BEA –  and a huge light and warmth opened up between us.  I shared the joy I FELT and she nodded, YES I feel it too! When she stopped to drop me off, I said “ I will never forget you, Bea – and she said “ Leelah, I will never forget you!”

And I won’t. Never.

 

 

 

 

 

Miracle Cell Phone

My new cell phone has lost battery power from the day i bought it. I have told it to mirror ONLY what is helpful, so I have seen this loss of energy as a sign to me to SLOW down, relax, walk, pause, rest.Today it topped its performance:
It refused to go past 77% uploaded. I charged and charged and to no avail – until it dawned to me – ohmygod it means 1977!


That’s when my first and only daughter was born – ahh – THAT’S the energy I currently have overwhelming me – a HUGE terror at being a MOM – and this morning I slowly meticulously walked out of it by stating that I wanted the GOD-essence within this terror and nothing else.

It was after having done this – and enjoyed the slow and powerful warmth that grew forth – that I understood that the cell phone-power status 77 WAS a message.

The cell phone is lying right here, charging from the PC. For 3 hours now it has refused to go past 77. The minute I realized it, it started going up.

Now I rest in 1977-energy, chaos and terror, calling out its essence fully, sharing it with you all.

And offering a playful poem I wrote in May this year – since that came from this playful essence we all share ♥

SPACE

My words have newly rained here
Now drying themselves up
In May sunbeams
Windows open in houses
Come in, come in!
I can’t and I won’t

Space, I say, Space!

They don’t hear me

SPACE!
I don’t live inside it
I offer myself to it
Becoming its hostess

Hostess I am:
Milky Way hair
Wolf eyes looking at pups
Savannah ears
Nose knowing of sub-terrain tunnels
Light-house lips
Sarepta hips
Breasts like surprised white lamb clouds
Sallow arms, Birch hands,
Legs like leaping Antelopes
Butterfly vagina
And kitten toes

You spot me and enter my Space
I can’t be had

Rainbow smile

And the cellphone is now 100% charged – just as I am 🙂

 

 

Alarmclock-miracle

I woke with the incessant morning agony – mixture of suicidal thoughts and murderous ones. Quite a soup I tell you! Now,  I am aware that Spirit is trying to tell me something here – I know I am not a victim of this, just something my soul wants to convey. And it did – very sweetly and to the point this morning.

I sat up in bed and aligned with my Source of Light – acknowledging that my Father and I am One. At once, I saw that the repeated energy came from the archetypes Fuckeat and Child, described in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” I have found these two to be polarities, where the one is dominant, the other is a shadow.

When that realization came, I recognized 1) this is what Jeshua calls ” a creation” – and 2) I want to find what is the neutral part in both of them – what is the first feeling expressed that was judged and repressed/denied.

Big relief just by realizing this.

The innocent first feeling of what later has grown into  the Fuckeat archetype in the human mind ( the fear-archetype which consists of murder-lust,domination,all kind of brutality and human perversions) – the first what came up for me was:

I hurt  – and since nobody is willing to care and comfort me, I need to see this hurt on another face = projection.

The first feeling of Child ( the victim archetype:) I need my caretakers to acknowledge my innocence  and vulnerability as beautiful.

I saw both of the archetypes before they were projected and judged – just natural thoughts and needs in the human mind, believing itself to be outside God’s love, having to prove itself valuable by its deeds – denying the eternal beauty and love that is God’s gift to Its child. I forgave the judgments I have projected on those two early separation thoughts  – I felt an opening,a release – and then I spoke out loud:

” And now I do embrace you.”

The my clockmaker by my bed gave two signals ….OOHH! New funny miracle! I meant to write  my alarm clock gave two signals and then stopped – but the word-correcting program wrote Clockmaker instead – which means my mind 🙂

Of course – the little machine did not do it, the smiling Self that I call BLUE did it through the electronic device. And the word-correcting program…is such a great symbol for Holy Spirit, who is the Loving Spirit who corrects my perceptions.

The sweet thing is – I thought I had turned that clock off – and when I looked at it, I had. Just two sweet pling-plings.

I guess that is what Child and Fuckeat are seen as from above – as figures in a movie, an illusion.

And please read me right: In no way do I mean to minimize the atrocities that the human is perpetrating to him/herself and each other –

but from above, Love looks down on us and see that the soul wants experiences – and in my case, I am now willing to see that the Soul wanted to be both victim and aggressor throughout its incarnations – because, how else can my mind learn that only what I embrace, I can heal?

What I embrace is in essence just energies – and when they are judged as not worthy to exist, they go underground and grow in darkness and bestiality.

I can see now the huge power in choosing Love – and inside, extending Love to anybody who acts out of confusion and fear and old patterns – and recognizing myself as one of us who deeply and truly wants to wake up, and therefore on a higher level  has chosen to be one of the creators  of these fear-archetypes – now I can fully dis-identify from both Fuckeat and Child –

I am the Loving Space and embrace of it

just like you

 

Latest Miracle

The reflections from Self are getting so refined – there are shivers up my back for this latest one.

Last night, I suddenly could not type on the PC – meaning, no letters showed on Word  – or Facebook . Music and videos still played – but I could not be heard,. my words could not be seen -I did not get through with what is important and true for me.

Thank God I knew this was not an error, but Divine nudging – and still it felt like I was invisible, I CANNOT GET THROUGH – very old feeling. Sat with that, allowed that.

It repeated this morning – Word still not working – imagine that yourself, it’s quite a feeling – and so I tried Chrome instead of Firefox and everything worked –

Message clear:

***I have to change the standard browser***

In my lineage, the Christ lineage, Jeshua teaches us in Way of Transformation:

I have to see with new eyes – Christ’s Vision – as my default way of looking – I have to REMEMBER this when I turn on the PC – and when I turn myself on each morning – and all time – the IMPORTANCE now to KNOW that I, big I can only be heard when I speak and express from Right Mind

Realizing that, i sensed the energetic shift within: the choice to speak FROM what Jeshua calls The Right Mind – the One we all share: aligned with God, or LOVE is you will – or small mind/ego – the fear-filled limited ego consciousness that I am so used to call ME.

And this is a DECISION I must make. Only I can – and MUST make it – otherwise the true I am not heard,not seen

So I checked Word again of course – and it works now: lesson learned

Now – remembering to remember – “where do I come from now – the old small self or the joined-with-Love-Oneness” –

 

Ants

This is a biggie for me – on this path of awakening:  the energy of invasion/attack. My book, “When Fear Comes Home to Love” explores how to relate to, and deal with, our mind-imprints of being invaded/attacked and abused – which is just the other side of the coin of invading,attacking and abusing. The last months, the revelations and healing of this common pattern in the human mind has been the challenge of embracing the souls of the attackers – the willingness to see through the dark acts to the part of the soul that cries out to be loved and not judged.  Not loving the acts – but seeing through it to the very essence of the Soul.

So. Ants…

They have lived under my terrace for about 15 years or so. They swarm up from holes between the tiles in clouds so big that it is not fun to sit outside in the warm season – unless you love to breathe them in as they swarm. -I have long seen them as a mirror of a part of  my subconscious that I have learned to hate and judge and deny in myself – like expressions of rage, anger, jealousy, impulses of murder. The last year has been a deep dive into these areas, lifting them up in the Light of the Holy Spirit, and learning not to judge the impulses, seeing them as as a natural thing in the human mind – and embracing all of that. Simply embracing it.

So when the ants entered my living room, I freaked out first, and tremendous fear arose -the energies and memories of being invaded in exceptionally ugly ways. And in Way of the Heart, Jeshua reminds us that the Soul chooses ALL kind of experiences – for then to transmute them in Love. So I trained myself to just sit with the old imprints of violence and terror -and asking for help to erase the charge of these memories in the soul. Gradually this became possible, and then I was reminded to do a connection with the ant-soul or Deva. I intended to join with their “Queen-part” – and the light that I felt was wonderful, and i felt nothing but love. Suddenly they were no longer “horrible” to me.

The morning after there were no more ants in my room

Today has also been free.

And – I am even OK with the thought that they may be back – and in that case. there is just more for me to include and embrace, and I will NOT be invaded 🙂

So the best of all is the feeling that the disgust and fear of them has simply disappeared – with the help of Holy Spirit.

And in less than a week too 🙂

A Miracle  to me!

A miracle of longing

This evening I was watching  “Call the midwife”. There was a woman there who reminded me so of my mother – her mannerism, her way of speaking and moving – and suddenly, simply, there it was – the longing for a mother. My mother. In one near tsunami wave it came, stayed for a little while, and then left. It was clear and straight and neutral: no stories attached. No emotions – just a lifetime’s denied longing for mother.

And it shows me how thorough the emotional healing has been; slowly gradually working/playing through all the layers of disaster and hatred and anger, that I had placed between me and this longing – and now, it simply was there

All is art – art is all

Today I started on the second part of my novel “Hilaryon Stories.” And a true miracle happened: I saw clear as diamonds that everything I do is PART of the creative process. All thoughts. All faults. Depression, anger, happiness, delusion. Reading a new book where clear as diamond certain words spring to life and want to be used in the new part. Doing the dishes is part of the process. Going to the loo is. Feeling bored and stupid is – and it becoming diamond clear again that this is my dream and I am dreaming it and I will honor the dream and not judge any part of it – because, who am I to judge and see the whole picture of all these small detail and judge them not worthy?

And that’s what I have been doing all my adult life – the life that was not used in direct creative endeavors, like painting and so on was seen as waste.

Oh is it really possible?

Now, to remind myself of this…but what the heck, If I fall into forgetfulness again, isn’t that part of the creative process too?

 

I could even call it my life :::::giggles:::::

Dream

Dear LOVE,I stand before you as one who has a little while forgotten who  I am, and who faithfully wants and yearns to remember, Touch my heart so I can remember it is Yours, so I can move to that place where i see everything in my life differently. Help me see the Friend behind my grievance-filter,help me hear cries for love  instead of harsh words, help me see God’s gifts instead of “problems” – so I can find the Miracle instead of my misperceptions, so I can truly recognize myself as the Dreamer

Miracle

Recently did a lot of traveling on trains, and practiced seeing the people that I came in contact with as Christ.

I discovered this thought as miraculous – again and again: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

A German family of 4 was settling in with me. A couple in their late thirties, with one little guy about 1,5 ,and an older brother, maybe 10-12. The mother looked paranoid, did not greet me, mumbled that these seats were impossible, they could NOT drive here. She looked like on the brink of falling apart.

The toddler was placed right across me, and started to kick my shin methodically and hard. It was easy to see that it was just nervous energy, but it hurt anyway so I asked kindly (while seething inside) if they could maybe move him. They looked like I spoke from a foreign planet.

Then I remembered: They are only mirroring what I have judged in my mind. A sweet calm came, and I heard myself thinking: “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing” – becoming aware of their true nature.

It took maybe ½ a minute. Then the children stood up, the father removed the little hyperactive one and smiled at me. The mother stood up and walked to a window, her body radiated peace and great joy. She turned and looked at us – and me – and her smile came from Home. I sensed something old melting – the old paranoia maybe? And from that moment I thought this prayer, the 5 of us danced a perfectly choreographed dance: we were danced with. It was amazing to witness its beauty and the order of it.

My second seatpartner was a Japanese businesswoman with a travel-PC. She did not look at me, was frowning and busy, and outside the train was the most marvelous landscape. I prayed the same prayer. A seat beside us became free, she brought her PC over there, let her hair down, closed the PC and started to look out the window. What was so sweet was the feeling of connection between us – as we were really siblings and had known each other for always. We often looked across the aisle at the other and just smiled.

After coming home and having slept here 2 nights now, I wake up in the morning and notice the old familiar depression and gloom -and then, after just one second, it feels like a curtain is drawn away, and there is a field of calm and tremendous eternal JOY present.

Desire

This is written down from listening to Jeshua’s channeling:

An exercise in desire. ( WOM-lesson 04: Following the Thread of Desire.)

1)Set aside the world: “I need do nothing.” Relax the body, close they eyes, let the breathing become deep and rhythmic. As you relax the body and mind, ask yourself “what do I TRULY want?” Observe energies that come without any judgments, notice the feelings in the body and allow this to go on for about a minute or two. Then pause, open your eyes and write down all you can remember. “I saw the image of having 47 sexual partners. I saw the image of having golden coins raining down on me. I saw a huge bow of ice cream. I saw myself in a boat on the ocean – whatever it is, write it down. I noticed that my stomach felt tight, I thought I was going to pee in my pants. Whatever it is, write it down.

2) Take a deep breath, relax again and repeat the process. Place your hand on the heart and repeat: “What do I TRULY desire?” And again allow the process to be what it is. -Leave yourself a period of 10-15 minutes that you repeat this process 6-7 times , writing them down.

Put the piece of paper away in a journal until next exercise-time.

3) Repeat the process.

4)When you have done this 7 times – 7 sheets of paper – then, and only then, begin to look at all the things that came up, and then ask yourself, “what seems to be repeating itself? Whatever it is, notice the pattern, the thread running through the exercise-process.

The imagine that thread to be that energetic link that is tied to the piece of foam at the edge of the wave( Jeshua refers to metaphors he has used for ego/ the top of foam at the edge of the wave and God – The depth of the Ocean. And then consider that perhaps if you allowed yourself to move down that thread, to begin to put your energy on that, to begin to clear up the obstacles within your consciousness that block the desire to be consistently lived from –then by so doing, you will carry yourself from the drop of foam at the edge of the wave, to the heart of God. And that along the way, everything unlike love will come up for you to release it. And in this process you will go through a metamorphosis that will accumulate in you being the living incarnation of the power of Christ – that your soul would realize the fulfillment that it always has sought.

The reason you have decided to cleverly trick to block the energy of desire, is that the soul knows that to follow such a thread in total commitment, it would be embarking on the pathway we spoke of in an earlier hour -the pathway set before you by God. It knows how to take you Home. And if you arrive at Home, it will mean that you will have to had to give up being a seeker – and you will have had to become ONE WHO IS FOUND ( the formatting just happened.)

Now – just by listening  in the night to the tape where he spoke this, I felt aligned with Love. And what a strength I felt! And then a miracle happened: I had a dream where the usual theme of unknown people “invading” my space occurred – but the thought of invasion was missing. They were there to explore something, and I found myself talking with complete authority to them – and with no fear/anxiety whatsoever: “ Now you are here, this is MY home, and I want you to pay full respect in every possible way as long as you are here – both to me and to my belongings.” The persons were intently listening, not to miss anything I told them.

The dynamics between my husband and me were also completely changed: we were equal in every way. There was a deep tenderness between us: no more striving and competing for the big role of the most illustrious artist.

Just by allowing myself to truly feel my desire aligned me with God – and so all the earlier sick coping-mechanics in me fell away.

What a splendid example of what happens when I align with Truth – and how clear it became for me how desire in itself is the very cause of life in every form.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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