Ants

This is a biggie for me – on this path of awakening:  the energy of invasion/attack. My book, “When Fear Comes Home to Love” explores how to relate to, and deal with, our mind-imprints of being invaded/attacked and abused – which is just the other side of the coin of invading,attacking and abusing. The last months, the revelations and healing of this common pattern in the human mind has been the challenge of embracing the souls of the attackers – the willingness to see through the dark acts to the part of the soul that cries out to be loved and not judged.  Not loving the acts – but seeing through it to the very essence of the Soul.

So. Ants…

They have lived under my terrace for about 15 years or so. They swarm up from holes between the tiles in clouds so big that it is not fun to sit outside in the warm season – unless you love to breathe them in as they swarm. -I have long seen them as a mirror of a part of  my subconscious that I have learned to hate and judge and deny in myself – like expressions of rage, anger, jealousy, impulses of murder. The last year has been a deep dive into these areas, lifting them up in the Light of the Holy Spirit, and learning not to judge the impulses, seeing them as as a natural thing in the human mind – and embracing all of that. Simply embracing it.

So when the ants entered my living room, I freaked out first, and tremendous fear arose -the energies and memories of being invaded in exceptionally ugly ways. And in Way of the Heart, Jeshua reminds us that the Soul chooses ALL kind of experiences – for then to transmute them in Love. So I trained myself to just sit with the old imprints of violence and terror -and asking for help to erase the charge of these memories in the soul. Gradually this became possible, and then I was reminded to do a connection with the ant-soul or Deva. I intended to join with their “Queen-part” – and the light that I felt was wonderful, and i felt nothing but love. Suddenly they were no longer “horrible” to me.

The morning after there were no more ants in my room

Today has also been free.

And – I am even OK with the thought that they may be back – and in that case. there is just more for me to include and embrace, and I will NOT be invaded 🙂

So the best of all is the feeling that the disgust and fear of them has simply disappeared – with the help of Holy Spirit.

And in less than a week too 🙂

A Miracle  to me!

A miracle of longing

This evening I was watching  “Call the midwife”. There was a woman there who reminded me so of my mother – her mannerism, her way of speaking and moving – and suddenly, simply, there it was – the longing for a mother. My mother. In one near tsunami wave it came, stayed for a little while, and then left. It was clear and straight and neutral: no stories attached. No emotions – just a lifetime’s denied longing for mother.

And it shows me how thorough the emotional healing has been; slowly gradually working/playing through all the layers of disaster and hatred and anger, that I had placed between me and this longing – and now, it simply was there

All is art – art is all

Today I started on the second part of my novel “Hilaryon Stories.” And a true miracle happened: I saw clear as diamonds that everything I do is PART of the creative process. All thoughts. All faults. Depression, anger, happiness, delusion. Reading a new book where clear as diamond certain words spring to life and want to be used in the new part. Doing the dishes is part of the process. Going to the loo is. Feeling bored and stupid is – and it becoming diamond clear again that this is my dream and I am dreaming it and I will honor the dream and not judge any part of it – because, who am I to judge and see the whole picture of all these small detail and judge them not worthy?

And that’s what I have been doing all my adult life – the life that was not used in direct creative endeavors, like painting and so on was seen as waste.

Oh is it really possible?

Now, to remind myself of this…but what the heck, If I fall into forgetfulness again, isn’t that part of the creative process too?

 

I could even call it my life :::::giggles:::::

Dream

Dear LOVE,I stand before you as one who has a little while forgotten who  I am, and who faithfully wants and yearns to remember, Touch my heart so I can remember it is Yours, so I can move to that place where i see everything in my life differently. Help me see the Friend behind my grievance-filter,help me hear cries for love  instead of harsh words, help me see God’s gifts instead of “problems” – so I can find the Miracle instead of my misperceptions, so I can truly recognize myself as the Dreamer

Miracle

Recently did a lot of traveling on trains, and practiced seeing the people that I came in contact with as Christ.

I discovered this thought as miraculous – again and again: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

A German family of 4 was settling in with me. A couple in their late thirties, with one little guy about 1,5 ,and an older brother, maybe 10-12. The mother looked paranoid, did not greet me, mumbled that these seats were impossible, they could NOT drive here. She looked like on the brink of falling apart.

The toddler was placed right across me, and started to kick my shin methodically and hard. It was easy to see that it was just nervous energy, but it hurt anyway so I asked kindly (while seething inside) if they could maybe move him. They looked like I spoke from a foreign planet.

Then I remembered: They are only mirroring what I have judged in my mind. A sweet calm came, and I heard myself thinking: “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing” – becoming aware of their true nature.

It took maybe ½ a minute. Then the children stood up, the father removed the little hyperactive one and smiled at me. The mother stood up and walked to a window, her body radiated peace and great joy. She turned and looked at us – and me – and her smile came from Home. I sensed something old melting – the old paranoia maybe? And from that moment I thought this prayer, the 5 of us danced a perfectly choreographed dance: we were danced with. It was amazing to witness its beauty and the order of it.

My second seatpartner was a Japanese businesswoman with a travel-PC. She did not look at me, was frowning and busy, and outside the train was the most marvelous landscape. I prayed the same prayer. A seat beside us became free, she brought her PC over there, let her hair down, closed the PC and started to look out the window. What was so sweet was the feeling of connection between us – as we were really siblings and had known each other for always. We often looked across the aisle at the other and just smiled.

After coming home and having slept here 2 nights now, I wake up in the morning and notice the old familiar depression and gloom -and then, after just one second, it feels like a curtain is drawn away, and there is a field of calm and tremendous eternal JOY present.

Desire

This is written down from listening to Jeshua’s channeling:

An exercise in desire. ( WOM-lesson 04: Following the Thread of Desire.)

1)Set aside the world: “I need do nothing.” Relax the body, close they eyes, let the breathing become deep and rhythmic. As you relax the body and mind, ask yourself “what do I TRULY want?” Observe energies that come without any judgments, notice the feelings in the body and allow this to go on for about a minute or two. Then pause, open your eyes and write down all you can remember. “I saw the image of having 47 sexual partners. I saw the image of having golden coins raining down on me. I saw a huge bow of ice cream. I saw myself in a boat on the ocean – whatever it is, write it down. I noticed that my stomach felt tight, I thought I was going to pee in my pants. Whatever it is, write it down.

2) Take a deep breath, relax again and repeat the process. Place your hand on the heart and repeat: “What do I TRULY desire?” And again allow the process to be what it is. -Leave yourself a period of 10-15 minutes that you repeat this process 6-7 times , writing them down.

Put the piece of paper away in a journal until next exercise-time.

3) Repeat the process.

4)When you have done this 7 times – 7 sheets of paper – then, and only then, begin to look at all the things that came up, and then ask yourself, “what seems to be repeating itself? Whatever it is, notice the pattern, the thread running through the exercise-process.

The imagine that thread to be that energetic link that is tied to the piece of foam at the edge of the wave( Jeshua refers to metaphors he has used for ego/ the top of foam at the edge of the wave and God – The depth of the Ocean. And then consider that perhaps if you allowed yourself to move down that thread, to begin to put your energy on that, to begin to clear up the obstacles within your consciousness that block the desire to be consistently lived from –then by so doing, you will carry yourself from the drop of foam at the edge of the wave, to the heart of God. And that along the way, everything unlike love will come up for you to release it. And in this process you will go through a metamorphosis that will accumulate in you being the living incarnation of the power of Christ – that your soul would realize the fulfillment that it always has sought.

The reason you have decided to cleverly trick to block the energy of desire, is that the soul knows that to follow such a thread in total commitment, it would be embarking on the pathway we spoke of in an earlier hour -the pathway set before you by God. It knows how to take you Home. And if you arrive at Home, it will mean that you will have to had to give up being a seeker – and you will have had to become ONE WHO IS FOUND ( the formatting just happened.)

Now – just by listening  in the night to the tape where he spoke this, I felt aligned with Love. And what a strength I felt! And then a miracle happened: I had a dream where the usual theme of unknown people “invading” my space occurred – but the thought of invasion was missing. They were there to explore something, and I found myself talking with complete authority to them – and with no fear/anxiety whatsoever: “ Now you are here, this is MY home, and I want you to pay full respect in every possible way as long as you are here – both to me and to my belongings.” The persons were intently listening, not to miss anything I told them.

The dynamics between my husband and me were also completely changed: we were equal in every way. There was a deep tenderness between us: no more striving and competing for the big role of the most illustrious artist.

Just by allowing myself to truly feel my desire aligned me with God – and so all the earlier sick coping-mechanics in me fell away.

What a splendid example of what happens when I align with Truth – and how clear it became for me how desire in itself is the very cause of life in every form.

Black Panther and old patterns

Last night and today was intensely filled with strong identification with suffering. As soon as I denied that identity and reclaimed my identity as Spirit, all tiredness and confusion fell away – for about 40 seconds. I was starting to go down the habitual mental spiral of “oh there is something that is stronger than Spirit in me that drags me down” when a clear impulse made me open wise -words notebook nr 13 ( I have filled 15:))  and realized, oh I am doing it again.

The fact that I was led to this exact quote was the sign that I needed to see that I was not straying from the path at all – I just needed a gentle reminder from my Self

The bus driver was the Nigerian man who never smiled, and who spoke in a very non-understandable way. I started sending Love, and gradually he thawed a little. The break -through came a little later when some passengers did not understand him and were stressed, and he rose from his seat at the next station and went down the aisle to them and I heard them laughing together. Miracle.

By John, the healing was just HEAVEN. There were no symbols, just a feeling of being in Heaven. At some time, unexpectedly Shiloh the panther started a ferocious fight: I looked down to her in the Lower World, and boy did she fight darkness and eat it.  Then all was Heaven again.

At the bus home, the same driver was there. Same angry energy –  not one smile. I set a strong intention of seeing him differently – and wanting him to speak to me in a friendly way. I did not have to wait long: he held the bus for a man who took the swat next to me, we started to talk about the book I was reading about autism. We both enjoyed our talk a lot. Then he left, a distracted snow truck almost collided with our bus and the bus driver SMILED at it and turned to me and we talked together.

The energy felt like a shower of spring rain.

At home I logged on this blog, and wanted to find the first blog post about Shiloh. I searched “Black panther” – you might do it too:) and found another post about this panther that I had completely forgotten.

All of a sudden she got a lot more real to me!

 

 

Apperances- phantom pains

“The Atonement does not make holy. You were created holy. It merely brings unholiness to holiness; or what you made to what you are. Bringing illusion to truth, or the ego to God, is the Holy Spirit’s only function.” T-14.IX.1:1-4 “The Atonement is so gentle you need but whisper to it, and all its power will rush to your assistance and support.” T-14.IX.3:2

I quote from Nouk Sanchez’ Forgiveness process on her website:

1.      I acknowledge that I am not at peace, so I must be wrong-minded. And I want to be at peace so I ask Spirit to help me look at my mind.

 

2.      I remember that any sign of threat, pain, sickness, conflict, or scarcity is not God’s Will. I acknowledge this is the ego in my mind. I remember that I must deny the ego’s appearances and focus on the Love that is Truth, beyond all appearances.

 

3.      I invite You (Spirit) to look at these fears and judgments with me. I will not judge myself or another while we do this. I will leave a space of total non-judgment, so you can fill it with Love and healing.

 

4.      As we look together, I say to myself with sincerity, “Even while this appears as a problem, and despite feeling fear, pain, anxiety, unworthiness, anger, guilt, or doubt – I open myself to receive healing through the miracle, in this instant.”

 

5.      Trust only in God’s Love. God is in everything I see, because God is in my mind. Together, we look past ego appearances as they represent our unconscious wishes with the ego. In looking past appearances we join with God (light) in asking to perceive only what is true, beyond ego appearances (darkness). God is in everything I see, because God is in my mind; and what God sees through my mind is therefore healed! Do not doubt this. This is forgiveness. Trust and doubt cannot co-exist and Love without trust is impossible.

*

Lately, two angry quarrelsome guys have disturbed a group I Love. One of these guys gave me such an offensive question that I feel nausea when i think about it. AND this is a great forgiveness opportunity, isn’t it!

I prayed for help to see him with the eyes of Love. It felt like veils were being drawn apart, and I saw the figure of “The Spirit of Christmas”in the old version of  Scrooge-films.The appearance of a guy filled with intense contempt crumbled – and I denied the ego’s appearances.

A little later, the thoughts went back to the guy, and the appearances were there again. And  thought came from Blue: “Appearances can be felt in the nervous system, just as a phantom pain after an amputated gangrened limb.”

That is so very helpful for me. The appearance is here – AND so is Love, right behind it. AND I truly want to wake up MORE than I want to be justly pissed, more than i want to make somebody else “guilty.”

The avalanche of toxic waste

I am reminded  that the form of an attack does not identify the attacker as “bad.” Recently a person is talking and blaming me strongly with harsh words. They feel toxic, they hurt – and I know they are pointing to a place in my mind that is “mean” and still in operation. I ask for help to see clearly what I secretly want to keep.

I was promptly answered: it felt like a deluge of grievances. This “me” would NOT let these grievances go – she would revel in being right and the others/victimizers being horribly disgustingly wrong. The energy from this hatred was felt like a toxic tornado inside my veins and muscles. I felt an impulse to find the Course and open it.

Lesson 153

W-pI.153.13. You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. 2 That game is over. 3 Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

W-pI.153.14. We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. 2 And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. 3 So is the story ended. 4 Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. 5 God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. 6 God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

And also an exercise I found – about seeing myself passing through a circle of clouds on my way into a sun-filled sphere

I did the exercise, and for the first time it was easy and I found myself inside the light. The ego has always looked for a blazing dramatic light doing this – but the light is simple, unobtrusive, SO known, is always here -with me – it is like the light we see when we fly over the clouds and KNOW that here there ARE no clouds – ever –

The grievances are seen as fantasies of the mind, put there by me believing the ego is my friend and protector. The  projections of them into my body-   the energies of them are indescribably dark, hateful, toxic, mean – exactly how I perceive the attacks from this person lately.Right now it feels like my body/bones are broken apart -like the hatred is what holds this body together, and Love is dismembering its structure –

Now the pain is felt to be not personal at all –

this wish to keep the grievances is seen as  the dense old pain in the legs and the butt

(Speaking in to my recorder:)

I claim the miracle

So much fear and resistance is held around the heart – so much beliefs and “proofs” that this false self is important – and that all its experiences and tragedy and horror is truth  – oh this intense will to be right about all these stories, and therefore having “the right” to punish – toxic waste – this is all out in the clear now, all created because of the wish to be something else than God created – the wish to be special by all costs –

I claim the miracle.It is my right. I allow the Holy Spirit to heal this wish to punish in the mind, and its projections into my own body – theres no guilt and sin here, just an error in perception – and there is really no choice in this NOW – this peace HAS no choice, since it is all that is –

Remembering what is true

I just woke up – its 5am – after a dream where I am one of a group of 3 terrorists. Adrenalin is coursing through me, it feels overwhelming. There is a huge fear that this will be my end.

I open  a wise-quote book. It is a quote from an earlier teacher, Elia Wise, where she reminds me that what I am feeling, is not “me” – I am picking it up

this breaks the connection to “me” being “guilty” of this.

Quiet now. Looking with Jesus and not ego.

“Go to your mail.”

I find Lyn’s posting of the day’s lesson with Ken’s remarks. As I read them, I forgive everything I have been holding on to – that is, fear and identification with it. The wave of adrenalin is softly abating, and replaced with tender warmth and care for my wellbeing.

Here are some of the quotes from Ken that were most helpful right now:

We do not have to seek for the light, but need only look within, where
the light is. Remembering the truth that is already present in us, we realize
that nothing has changed, and so nothing need change. Thus Jesus exhorts us,
again, not to exceed the little willingness asked of us by the Holy Spirit.

“It is not necessary that you do more; indeed, it is necessary that you
realize that you cannot do more. Do not attempt to give the Holy Spirit what He
does not ask, or you will add the ego to Him and confuse the two.”
(T-18.IV.1:5-6).

“Nothing at all has happened but that you have put yourself to sleep, and
dreamed a dream in which you were an alien to yourself, and but a part of
someone else’s dream. The miracle does not awaken you, but merely shows you who the dreamer is.” (T-28.II.4:1-2).*

We repeatedly see Jesus’ emphasis on our need to recognize that both problem and
solution are in our minds. In fact, there is nothing but our minds, where
perception starts — light or darkness — and where it ends — love or fear.
Everything is projection. Understanding this characteristic of the split mind is
the vision of Christ to which Jesus leads us and which we know well:

Do not seek vision through your eyes, for you made your way of seeing that you might see in darkness, and in this you are deceived. Beyond this darkness, and yet still within you, is the vision of Christ, Who looks on all in light. Your “vision” comes from fear, as His from love.” (T-13.V.8:1-6;9:1-3).*

(10:3-7) “For it is we who make the world as we would have it. Now we choose
that it be innocent, devoid of sin and open to salvation. And we lay our saving
blessing on it, as we say:

The peace of God is shining in me now.
Let all things shine upon me in that peace,
And let me bless them with the light in me.”
This at last – from The song of peace:

The melody of peace is always there.
It neither dies nor wavers. It remains
A calm, soft sound, more still than silence, and
An ageless recollection in the minds
That God created. Ceaselessly it sings
To all the world, that it remember Him.
The sounds of earth are quieted before
This ancient melody, which speaks of love
In limitless dimensions. Where is fear,
When God has guaranteed that He is here?*

In this moment, it is radiantly clear that I have and am what I am searching for: I will look out for the impulse to “do” things to feel better or “heal” myself – and instead choose to accept the healing and Love that is already here.
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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