BREATHING FREELY

For years I have had a chronic difficulty breathing. There have been strong constrictions around the heart and lungs. I have knows it has to do with earlier defense in traumatic situations, and have unraveled many layers. Two days ago I found a new one – what in shamanism we call “lost soul-part.”

In my spiritual practice, my body, house and surroundings mirrors back to me what goes on in my mind. Two days ago, my stove-fan broke down.

For me, it mirrors my lungs, and my ability to breathe and filter out the stronger smells from cooking. I knew it was a signal to yet another layer with the lungs/heart.

The same late evening, I sat down in my Healing Room to do a daily Chi Gong Kidney – exercise which has shown to be very efficient. Video below. When it came to ex.nr.seven, where we softly circle our hands around our  breast, I heard distinct tapping sounds behind me, as if somebody tapped the door/window: “let me in!” Then my body shivered and shuddered and was filled with an energy that did not feel “mine.”

I completed the exercise and prayed for insight – got that it was a “visitation:” some part of me that I had exiled wanted to reconnect. That made it easier for me: I truly want the LOVE that I am to transform all those memories and energies and “soul-parts.”

She was easy to connect to now, and I opened myself to fully be with her and acknowledge everything that she had felt – and her interpretations and conclusions about what this meant about her:

deeply unworthy of love from parents AND God. I let her know I saw and acknowledged all her hatred at self and others – “of course you felt this, it is a perfectly normal response to your situation. You have a right to feel all this now, WITH me, not alone.”

The constriction was at first so strong that I thought I may die – and then I realized that it was her constrictions that I felt, so I could be there as her  neutral loving witness. There was a big shift, the constrictions abated the more I realized that this happened for me and not to me: this was part of loving myself free from the old pattern I had seen as my safety, and that now almost choked me to death.

On x-ray one can see a mass around the heart/lungs – and doctors let me know it is not cancer or any sickness. I know the part of me had to create a lot of pain and goo and coughing there – it was like a bomb inside that said “don’t go here! Go away! We will NOT remember this terror!” So the constriction has been a life-saver, allowing me to heal memory after memory all the way up to this NOW. The exiled part is back, and presenting me with the agony, as much as she is able and willing to.

I bless the part in its true being. I forgive myself for all the judgments I placed upon this, and I embrace it. I allow it to be transmuted in Divine Light.

So…the stove-fan?

I have decided to let God take care of that. No worries: I am taken care of each step of the way

I invite you to click the two book-covers in the right menu, and check out if my two books may be for you.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Slide – and Swallow-play

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA
I did something I was very scared of doing today:  please see video “Healing Slide.”

The program says: “The Healing Slide is intended to cure us from certainty and security. This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum, “The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I pluck up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn. And what happened in the brain was amazing to me  – and it was probably also contributing that I was terribly afraid  and ignored the fear 🙂 🙂 :).

I felt 20 kilos lighter afterwards. I felt very proud and happy! And you know what – I have not seen swallows in 10 years at least – I’ve missed them so much! – and when I got out of the museum and walked down the big green fields, there were 5 swallows there – and they had so much fun: they flew ca 30 cm above the ground ,and flew into figure eight and big circles around me and I just stood there and  tears flowed

 

Beauty

Today, from “When Fear Comes Home to Love:” Beauty . Case-story.

4 Looking with love / 2006

When Maria arrived for session, I sensed a shock in her system. When I directed her attention to that, she immediately became ice-cold. We found out what year the shock had occurred, and she realized that this was a shock she had picked up from her mother. The shock was lodged in her sexual organs. She remembered that her mother had been very anxious in those years, and that her fear had been about having another baby – she already had three. So she aborted the fourth one.

When we removed the emotional shock-charge, she felt warmth and release, and we both felt grounding and safety.

But Mud did not like this. “What if this does not last? What if tomorrow everything is like before? I will NOT let down my guard. Nope! You can’t make me!”

Now I asked Maria to speak for the skeptic Mud, and inside me I suddenly found much love for this voice: I saw it as the part of us that vigilantly did what we had ordered it to do: look out for anything that could set off the original dreadful life-threatening shock – going into the familiar role of terrorized victim. So we started with thanking Mud for his love and loyalty for us – and suggested that now that we had found a method that could remove the charge from the shock, Mud could go into pension – or at least get some holidays. “He” thought a bit about that, but was afraid to disappear if he didn’t work as much as before. When I asked him what he really would love to do for himself, if he could chose, he told us that he loved beauty. I invited him, via Maria, out into my garden, to pick one living thing of beauty and bring it back with him. From the door to the garden “he” spotted it immediately: a dandelion. It was one of the not- perfect-ones, but beautiful all the same. Maria picked it and brought it back into the room. When she sat down, I “saw” Maria’s deceased mother pointing to Maria’s black purse on the floor, asking her to look inside. I mentioned it to Maria, and she started looking – nothing – and then a big smile: “Here it is. At the bottom.” She managed to list out a bunch of keys. “These are the keys to my childhood-house.”

Beautiful metaphor: “I have the key to my childhood with me / within me.”

Now I asked Maria to write a short text about her experience with the beauty of the dandelion. She wrote:

“When I look at you – the weed – I see beauty. But I also look at all the weed in my own life, stuff in relationships that is really looking like a mess. All this is beautiful when I look at it with love.”

I thought of Victor Frankl, the great writer who survived concentration-camp by realizing that there is one freedom the despots can never take away from us – the freedom of choosing our attitude. Looking with LOVE – or judgment.

Suddenly Maria exclaims “Look – here is a tiny snail, it came with the flower!” We admire the tiniest snail I ever saw – it looks new-born, its little house still transparent. Its tiny antlers are moving, and it is slowly crawling over Maria’s notes from the session. Now it stopped – I wonder what word it has stopped by – it is “beauty.” Good choice for a resting place. There it moves on – away from beauty – but no, it changes its mind and crawls back to beauty. And pulls the antlers in (2mm long) and sleeps.

This is what we call “beauty-sleep.” (Couldn’t resist).

Forgiveness-exercise

This is from chapter “Snake” in When fear Comes Home to Love.”

Forgiveness – exercise

1) Visualize yourself as a child, and ask your inner Guide to lead you to a situation where you sensed your parents’ fear and chaos in the air, and your body instantly reacted to that and identified with it. Try to find the moment where you internalized the craziness, and made it your fault that your parents behaved crazy and scary.

Now JUST LET IT BE THERE IN THE BODY. Breathe kindly around the sensations, if there are voices just let go of them, you are resting in God this very moment when you say yes to what is there in your mind and nervous system. There is nothing more to do – just rest with whatever presents itself.

Another variation: If you are one of many who need a bit of help to release stuck energies from hidden pockets in the energy-system, I suggest you go to an EFT-site and download a free manual of the method. When you tap with your fingers on certain points in the meridian-system, while at the same time as you hold the pain or memory in your awareness, the most surprising releases may happen. It is very easy to learn the method – but may take time to truly master it. The Course reminds us that forgiveness is just looking, without judgment -and this is what you do: the tapping just removes the unnecessary charge of pain from the nervous system, while you look at the content with the Holy Spirit.”

*

 

Rearranging the furniture – or moving out

from Chapter 2,Child,”Greater reality:.”

Night. Excruciating pain in my mind and body. I am surely dying! I pray and pray:

“Help me! Give me a miracle! I can’t take it any longer!”

No answer. Years after this, I see that Love is there, available as always – but my struggle and resistance prevented me from being aware of It.

I try several different approaches to the crazy energy – but it is plainly too much for me to integrate. Then – it is almost morning – I at last hear Blue’s voice:

THERE IS A GREATER POWER THAN THIS. THERE IS A GREATER REALITY.

In a flash, I believe the words. I recognize that the tensions came from identifying with a lesser reality.

All the tensions and pains are immediately released, and The Voice says, tenderly and with humor:

-And there you are – HOME – shot-free.

OH! Let me hold on to this understanding now!

Same morning, at the breakfast-table, I am reading my favorite cartoon, “The Lagoon.” [1] The crab Hawthorne is inviting Sherman the Shark to peek into his cave. “I want your honest opinion about what you see around here. I want you to take into consideration the fact that I spend almost my entire life in this dark cave. Think about that while you peep around. – Well now! Do you think that that stone would look nicer over there, in the corner?”

And old Sherman throws a glance at the stone and says:

“I don’t know…I think you are really challenging fate here, Hawthorne.”

This is a shark’s view, and probably speaks for a lot of humans, too. Better to let things stay as they are, change may be unsettling to us.

But OH! How I recognize the futility of moving the furniture around, in a meaningless effort of changing and fixing things – trying to feel more at ease with this old stuff of mine.

Therapy might often end up in moving stones: there is this really yucky smelling slimy stone in the corner there, and now we clean them up – and the other stuff in the cave, we dust, paint rosy or give a new cover … or we might, if we are courageous, smash them to dust and bury them.

What we very seldom do, is leave the cave and swim out into the waters of Greater Reality.

Yes, there is a worry in me when I think of leaving my old cave, where things are painful and overstuffed but familiar – and swim out in the clear water of freedom – I / my ego fears that I will be so happy and content that I will forget to identify with Child…ego tells me that I will be fat and self-content and lazy, and will not bother to feel responsible for the other cave-dwellers’ pain any longer. And there is this other fact: there is a benefit by living in fear all the time: you are very close to death, and death is, when all is said, very dependable and safe.

And perhaps that is all I deserve?

The Voice says:

In GREATER REALITY, you will radiate your essence, your compassion, your depth, your love – and that will help others to find Greater Reality. When they feel safe and loved, they will no longer alienate themselves from their truth. This is the only way you can contain pain that is split off: by living from your Greater Reality – by being and radiating your essence.

Your Child is not lost in the cave – she will be saved and safe only when you can contain her.

Stop moving stones and come out into the Light! This is the choice you all will have to make, again and again. And the choice will be easy and clear, my friend, when you realize that within the cave there is nothing else to do but to move the furniture around. – COME OUT! and help the cave-dwellers see that they have a choice: they can come out – and they can go back again. And in the end it will not matter where you are – inside or outside – because you now know Who you are. The choice and responsibility are yours.

The reality now is that when you stay within the cave, you are not aware that you have a choice, and the power, to leave it. Then the cave becomes a prison. This is the whole difference: it doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you know you have the freedom to move out of it and into your true identity.

You don’t have to rush – “I MUST do this NOW!” Your essence is waiting, safe and unharmed, to be acknowledged and recognized. It is your true Home. It is impossible NOT to find it.

I will do it now. In the name of all that is holy, help me to recognize the cave, so I can move out of it.

Oh! There I go again. The thoughts run away with me. I worry so much!

My dearest. Don’t blame yourself. Learn: this is exactly the way the ego moves stones in the cave. This is one of fear’s most cherished procedures: grabbing thoughts and make you worry over them. It makes you feel that you are in control as long as you do this and that and make plans for how to avoid that and worry worry worry. You see- the issue here is f e a r . Use it constructively now: as soon as you recognize fear and worry occupying your mind, recognize their sneaky ways in trapping you in the furniture-moving-business. Then you will remember:

1) I am in the cave

2) I have a choice

3) I choose freedom, light, truth – I don’t want the moving stone-business any longer. I have grown past it.

And by seeing the illusion as empty lies, dressing up as reality within the cave, you transcend it – and you are contributing to the lightening of the collective darkness.

All is well.

Let me give you some pointers about realities.

In the cave, you try to meditate. You exercise to make yourself “a better person.” All you do comes from a space in you who believes yourselves not good enough, need improvement to earn acceptance and feel safe. In Greater Reality, you allow meditation to just happen. You exercise yourself because it is a way to love yourself and respect the body – it is a way to care for the vehicle of the soul.

In the cave, all your efforts are geared toward making you safe. Fear is saying: “If you do this and act like this, I will make you safe.” Outside the cave, Love is saying: “you are safe. This is the true reality – nothing can harm the Real You.”

In the cave, you try to be loving. Outside of it, you recognize that Love is not what you perform, it is what you are.

[1]This dialog is presented by Jim Toomey, in one of his Sherman’s Lagoon comic strips.

 

To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

The Lighthouse

My inner guide Blue tells me to share a story from my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love the next 30 days, and tells me that I am far too unwilling to promote my work.

Hmm. Yes.

Here is a part of a case story, where we use storytelling as a path to healing, and where the patient weaves me into one of the roles in the story.

Charlotte tells the story of the little girl with an impossible responsibility: to save everybody from shipwreck. The waves are towering high, and she operates The Lighthouse all alone. But now the electric fire in the tower has gone out – a fault on the installation – and the original fire in the cellar must be re-lightened. As we allow the Story to come forth, Charlotte is wondering a bit what this “original fire” might represent.

Now Charlotte gives me a role in the story.She weaves me into the story as the Old Lighthouse-keeper who comes to aid, so the little Girl does not have to do the overwhelming work all by herself, alone in the storm and the dark. It turns out that the old Lighthouse-keeper has an intimate knowledge of the island: he takes the little girl by the hand and leads her to an oil well in the middle of the island’s center! He tells her that she needs to dig  a new channel from this center and into the old well in the cellar of the Lighthouse: the old channel has been clogged by debris, from the time the electric installation was added.

Together we dig the new channel. And soon the flame that saves the shipwrecked can shine again.

We talk about what this power-source is – this source in the center of the island. When I ask Charlotte to sit with her eyes closed and find the source within herself, she feels her heart become soft and warm. We both sit with eyes closed, and now The Voice of The Heart starts to talk through me. The atmosphere in the room becomes completely quiet, bright and tender. I recognize Blue’s voice talking to me and through me.

I have forgotten the actual words of the heart. I remember the feeling of being completely loved, bathed in a river of light and love. There is something infinitely tender within it all – this is how it feels to sit in a loving mother’s embrace – a mother devoid of fear. I sense my heart expand, and it becomes easy to breathe. The Heart speaks to us and receives our shared fear and our effort of having sole responsibility to save everybody from drowning. The heart shows us that ONLY the Well can nourish the fire that warns the ones in danger and  dark waves. The electric man-made system will always be vulnerable and susceptible to damaging forces. The installment is dependent on good fuses, strong lines, quality light-bulbs, expertly polished glass, and it is expensive to maintain. You have to inspect the works continuously, and cannot let down your vigilance for a moment. As soon as you have changed a bulb, another will burst –  but the fire from the well is eternal: all you need to maintain the fire is keeping the channel open and free from dregs.

While the Heart talks with my voice, we suddenly hear small “cac cac’s” at the window-glass. I open my eyes: two small birds are flying slowly toward the glass, touching it with their beaks. While I continue talking, I observe that each time the contact with The Heart is strong, the birds “cac” again. It is like a musical accompaniment – helping me to not float away and space out in this warm, loving atmosphere. “This really happens – here and now. Don’t forget. Don’t minimize it!” say the birds.

When  The Little Girl finds the connection between her heart / Source and the head / The Lighthouse, she recognizes that she at last can step down from the Tower, sit down by the eternal fire, allowing herself to melt.

And at last to rest.

 

 

Colorgobbling

How powerful words are – and images!

Kit talked today about two ways looking at things/situations:

  1. The judging look –  aka the character ” The Colorgobbler” by Tor Åge Bringsværd,  in the drama ” The Country Where Everything was Different.” I have never heard a better way to describe what judgment really does – with people and their souls. I designed costumes to that play 35 years ago – and only today was I, with Kit’s playful help, able to expand my vision and see the color-gobbling/sucking aspect of judgment. And what a help that is, to stop this automatic inner judge most of us have.

2)The playful look: the clown, the poet, the fool.

If you want to play with sitting with both alternatives, you will sense the energetic effect I am sure

*******

This silly playful poem came through me yesterday:

On the beach

Would you be willing to be
a beach to me he said…
strewn with striped parasols and little huts
with yellow mats
and  azure blue water

I might, she said,if you are willing to
be the fresh towel and the lavender soap
in the hut
and the shower with freshwater
outside it

we looked at each other
we liked the answers
the sun shone in perfect strength
our bathing suits were new
the wind was perfectly gentle

and since we were in the tropics
the night just exploded on us

there were fireflies
but we were nowhere to be found

 

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book

Bird is dying

I have saved all blog posts as a word-doc, wanting to self publish it – as this is what I personally like to read: other peoples’ path to awakening.

Recently I discovered that all posts  after  March 27 2013 have disappeared. That was quite a shock – until I remembered that all things happens for me and not to me.

So I sat with all that crisis-energy, and no stories about it

The stories came back with a vengeance when I last expected them. I still sat with the energy.

Then, in a sharing with Kit, I realized that this happened  because I needed to go to my blog and find a blog post that I needed to read again – an earlier shining insight – and I found it: 27th march 2014

It describes how letting Holy Spirit taking care of “the problem” releases my “need” to “save”others – that my interventions and insights are not what saves, but my surrendering my thoughts about myself as the indispensable savior. The insights and thoughts are not worth anything as long as the ego grabs them and states ” I help you here. I am indispensable for your healing.”

The insights can heal only if they are without ego, personal gain – in other word, without the Bird-archetype I describe in my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Then my daughter had a collision with a 4 years old child-knee in her eye ( yoga-play), and  I forgot about this blog post – I fell right back into Bird again – no wonder, since this personality/archetype is the one I have grown up with and as – it has allowed me to have value. I “KNEW” what she needed to hear, and she interrupted me lovingly and told me she needed to take care of herself in her own way by saying no to listening to my suggestions.

It felt like dying – and thank God I still allowed her that space (after a short struggle!) and there arose a sacred pause, filled with love.

Then I was nudged to read the shining insight in the blog post again: ” I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.”

Oh I know so well all the posts I have written here that have been written identified with Bird – “I am here to save you, since you don’t have it in yourself: I am so very special because of it.” I want to thank her for keeping me alive and outside of an asylum – and also expressing the relief it is to truly feel the trust in God who does all things through me.

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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