Beliefs

In the morning, terrible cramps come. My right foot curls to the right and bends toward the knee. I tune into it – “ I will NEVER go back to this memory, this image – I will die.”

No – I want to go back now and find out what I believed about myself when it happened – since THAT is my driving force- THAT false belief formed my identity. I KNOW it is safe NOW, and that God is with me. I lie in bed and start breathing Holotropic ***– no pauses between in and outbreath. The cramp goes into the midsection – and I remember 30 years ago when this cramp lasted for three whole days. What turned it around was a shaman-friend who saw a spear there and removed it.
I know now that I had wanted and chosen that spear to be placed there – to prevent me from breathing fully and remembering the rape.

At that time my husband had recently died, I was alone without male financial support for the first time, I had a traumatized 11-year old who had seen her father die in front of her in another city, and had returned with help from human angels in that city.
There was no way I could cope with processing this old wound then- and the cramps today showed me HOW much I had invested in my story –that is, the thoughts I believed about myself that drove my personal identity.

Within few minutes breathing now I see the situation. I have seen it before, but always from outside.

Group rape in wood at 4 years old. Man sitting with a knee in my chest, pushing me down, his penis in my mouth, foreskin gets traps in my teeth. He bleeds and is terrified. Huge rage and swearing from him: Foul bitch, whore, I will let you have it etc etc. There is an instant knowing that I need to HELP him now – HE comes before ME and what I need. I need to push away what I feel and need and concentrate all of me of adjusting. I see this as salvation in the moment. All my attention / consciousness goes from me to him: I MUST help him, I MUST understand what he needs and wants NOW in this moment

What is he telling me: women/girls are despicable low grade human specimens who wants men to be brutal and abuse them.

What am I telling myself: my father does this too. BELIEF: There must be something about me that makes them do this. This something must be disgusting and depraved beyond description – my “naughty parts” as they were called, must simply be falsely created, horrible, very different from others. Probably miscreated. I deserve to be abused and maltreated – this is MY fault, I am GUILTY!

The basic premise is that I am at fault for what happens with them –and then I follows that it is my responsibility to help them feel better. This is the basic premise of the BIRD-archetype in When Fear Comes Home to Love – which all of my patients share.
And this became my identity. This is my circle of fear, as Jeshua says in Way of Knowing.The innermost fear is really about my BELIEF that I am guilty of all of this – and that I am responsible for others wellbeing.

I/ this false identity-me/ have seen it as my responsibility to heal my new refugee-neighbors too – but the healing for me is just to spot these old beliefs about myself and KNOW they are not true, and forgive myself for believing I could be guilty, and for forgetting that my worth in intrinsic and NOT depending on what I do or think.
This song came into my head – it was very popular in the fifties, when I was a child.

 

What do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say
They make me glad, they make me sad
They make me want a lot of things that I never had

You’re fooling around with me now
Well you lead me on and then you run away
Well that’s all right, I’ll get you alone some night
And baby you’ll find, you’re messing with dynamite
So what do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say

***

Good and Evil

I am currently reading Diederik Wolsaks book “Choose again – six steps to freedom” 

It is helping me to follow irritation and feelings back to its source, and at that point just notice what I made the pain/abuse mean about myself.

I found that I thought I must have been an all through mean and evil person, having all that happen to me – for surely it had to be a punishment, right?

Wrong.

Diederik shares a 6 step process that helps me see the innocence in a little child’s perception – and how that darn belief attracts experiences in my life that is evidence that the belief is true! Vicious circle and more and more experiences that all confirm the original innocent and false belief.

So we are given a simple forgiveness-process that resonates with my Course in Miracles – teachings – and it si so exciting! Since now, there i now more pointing fingers out there – blaming others – and i will not start to give you the reasons for this, just go to the link and start browsing 🙂

What is so utterly fabulous in that when dark stuff comes up at night, and I want to find what the reason in – the very default – I just open my own book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” and my finger lands on the perfect place where I have already described it before. What is the root of this feeling right now? My finger pointed at a paragraph where I experienced myself as evil. And so it is simple – I set an intention to follow it to the very source, and found out what this little child believed that it means about her.

 

Everything I need comes to me at the perfect timing ♥ Simply because I am committed to find the truth and intend that it is so

 

And so it is 🙂

The Elevation of the Divine Feminine

These days it is the male teachings that has moved me forward.) Two times lately when being in hell I have opened one of my wise-quotes-notebooks and always my finger has pointed at Israels long and intense teaching. NOW they are meeting me in this perfect place where I am fully ready 🙂
What a timing!
My inner male is receiving so much healing and rehabilitation these last weeks! My dream-men treat me with gentleness and affection, and a healthy sexuality is starting to replace the old kind, filled with guilt and shame
Last night (dream) I sat in the bus with a man who I like a lot, and just him spiderweb-soft touching my hand sent me into heaven – the atmosphere between us was playful and tender.
This night dream I was together with a big group, training in shamanism – and there was a grand big ritual in a circle where the male leader lifted me up so I sat on his shoulders ( this was heavy 🙂 and was done in two stages) and he carried me around the whole circle while I felt the love from him and FOR him and inside me – an acknowledgment of the Soul/Self’s mastery.
The collective male is lifting and supporting and carrying the collective feminine AT LAST
That makes me unspeakable happy

The Big Troll

I saw inside my mind “The Collective Controller” today – that I have called “MY” controller – and I realized that I have projected it as something I am a victim of, seemingly outside of me, seeing it as an enemy wanting the very worst for me – something I  therefore have fought and judged.

So it of course turns out to be the part in me that I/we all/established in order to be able to grow up keeping as much sanity as possible – and how vehemently I/we all/ had to push all that was not allowed/wanted/ all the way into deep blackness.

And the more we hate it, the deeper and darker it grows.

I have a strong feeling I already have written something very much like this before in this blog – and it is interesting for me to see that it still feels like this is the first time.

The thing is of course to do the only sane thing: listen to its beliefs and the feeling underneath it and assist it in expressing them. And the more allowance I gave it to do that, the more of the underlying Christ-light poured forth.

Stopping in stopping the protection – seeing its underlying need to help us be loved in the only way permitted when we grew up.

And now I can fully bless all of it in tremendous gratitude

 

 

 

Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

The Vow of Righteous Anger

Tiptoeing into this place to post – a bit apprehensive –yawning mightily in the decision to do it anyway

I have these dreams that present me with old survival patterns. The one I want to share is a sexual one connected to rapes throughout my childhood, and the identity I forged because of that.

In those moments when I noticed “there is that look again, watch out, he is going to do it” there was an immediate split in consciousness – and it is the material in this part of the mind that lately has been allowed into my dreams and from there into my conscious mind. That material/energy consists of a frantic crazy insanity with sexual lust mixed with a terror of death and being obliterated. I believe that this is what constitutes the energy vortex itself – it’s not “my” energy and “his” energy – it is the mighty vortex itself. And as I have explored this now for almost 40 years – in patient bits and pieces – my mind is accepting more and more of it in its full force. My training in Way of Mastery has certainly assisted me in not judging – and as I see that energy now, I see that it IS so strong mainly because of cultural taboos and common judging.

I discovered last night that part of me had discovered a way to survive as an “I” inside all of that explosiveness – she took on a role of “the seductress” that was given to her from she was very small: “Oh you LIKE this don’t you, you little whore” – in that moment, “she” saw that “she” had power over the man – there was something in her that he HAD to have – “she” had the power to make him want her.This strategy allowed her to feel power – meaning that not all of her disintegrated and was split off.

Meeting that part of me now, I see her intense shame, and can support her: “I am so sorry for what happened to you, And I am so grateful that you choose to find a way to feel power AT ALL – that saved you from being crushed.”

When seen and honored and not judged, she softens and deep crying comes. It is her crying, not mine, and I am there as her loving parent,/observer, witness – encouraging her to feel and express now when she is not alone.

AND:
I recognize how this way of being – “the seductress” – has been a – for me – invisible part. At a retreat in Primal Therapy years ago, a man pointed that out to me – in group, openly – and there was an immediate split in the group: one other person agreed with him and the rest attacked him for being so cruel –

But he was right, bless him – and I see now how it is not to be judged at all in me, and therefore not in others either – now I know what lies beneath it and cries for loving attention: please stop this torture, I am dying.

There also was a deeper level of insight:

I saw how that little one held onto an old decision:

I will NEVER let go of my anger and hate! It is a RIGHTEOUS anger – and I will keep it until somebody notices it and asks me what is going on and stops him/them and punishes them.

In a Family Constellation-group 20 years ago or so, I noticed a tremendous fear and grief arising when my father-part “died ” – and I was supposed to let him go. I could NOT do it – and now I realize that only as long as he was alive and did his torture, that “power-part,” ‘desirable – me’ was alive too – meaning that when he died, I/ it would die to.

I now fully realize the power – and IDENTITY – I have given to that part – the little girl who has to be “sexy and slutty” in order to be wanted, allowed, given power. I see how much I have judged that part of my sexuality/self too – and how much LIFE there is in that part.

HOW important it is to SEE this part with only love now: “of course you chose this. It helped us survive then.”

NOW I notice: that as long as that former vow about keeping the anger and that image of me is intact, I CANNOT accept LOVE. The vow of righteous anger prevents it.

So NOW I choose to acknowledge it, honor it
and allow it to be transmuted by the Love that heals and transmutes all things

Simple and powerful self-healing techniques for stress

 

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

The Center of the Cyclone

I am frequently exploring levels of insanity. For the most, it comes in the night waking me up, some inner part is frantic with fear. I go to the Inner Garden where I meet my inner child/children, for now there is a 15-year old who seems to carry the most of it. This night, as I spoke to her and she gradually became more at ease, I was led to a memory when I was 5. That was the same year that I got scarlet fever and deeply wanted to “get outta here.”

In this memory I was sanding outside the church nearby, where I used to play alone. There was a pond there with frogs, puff-ball and several trees, I felt safe. This day, though, a wild wind was whipping, it grew to tremendous proportions, and suddenly I experienced that I was lifted from the ground and placed safely inside the still center of it. I saw myself hover over the ground, leaves whipping in circles around me, and I could not be touched.

Completely utterly safe HERE at this silent center.

Then: the parson was running out from his house 20 meters away, swooped me up in his arms and into his house.

I knew this man well – he was the father of my best friend.

Again I felt perfectly safe

*

So now, as I spent time with my inner 15-year-old, I let her know that I held her, it was safe to experience the “insanity” as pure energy, SHE WAS HELD AND SAFE. I saw her becoming all black – stiff – ice-cold – then shaking wildly in the same way that the wind had shaken me at that time. As the adult me, I realized that the wind may have been INSIDE her, and that she by Grace had discovered the silent center of that insanity-cyclone and rested there.

So now I just witnessed her and “held” her with my Love until she finished shaking. I saw her change from pitch black to normal skin color, and then she shared and expressed what she needed to – mostly she needed to hear that she had a reason to have felt this way – and that SHE was not insane – the insanity was the very ground her family was driven from.

As that old judgment fell, she started to come back to her self. We  agreed that next time the energy approached, she could CHOOSE to place herself in the calm center of the insanity-cyclone.

Now the same thing happened as a couple of days ago – deep peace grew forth, shining Light permeated the sick energy

-all because of our willingness to be with the energy, to allow it – and  being HELD and LOVED while it lasted.

Water Station


Dream: it is night. The sky is enormous. There are new star constellations:  they are now red – like a miniature milky way. I point them out to a fellow traveler: Look! LOOK! She has nothing to say, and I instantly give her power to take my excitement away.

Instead of the myriad of train tracks, there is now water. Crowds of people stand on the platforms, the water is dark.

I have a boat! An old plastic boat, like the ones in the sixties. I maneuver it clumsily, since there seems to be no oars-still, the stream in the water takes me in the direction I want to go.

There is a strong energy of insanity in the air

*

Awake, I go into the Rose garden where I meet my inner children. I find an 11-year-old and also a 14-year-old and a 15-year-old. I tell them I am there for them, to listen and love and support them. They are terrified of dying and being caught in this field of insanity, where there seems to be demons everywhere. And it so happens that I, as Christ Self, hold them and witness them and they feel safe feeling all of that agony – that is possible as soon as they are being loved. Now they are not alone.

It takes some time, but we have it.

They realize that they see everybody around them through filters of terror and confusion. Gradually they realize that it is safe to look WITHOUT these filters.

The children think THEY have to change the insanity-energy – I tell them, NO – the only thing they have to do, is to ALLOW the Light to do it FOR them and THROUGH them. Willingness to surrender the “doing” is all it takes.

They recognize that their hands are bone dry, there is no moist inside.Their terror has chased all feelings and water away in their bodies. I call forth the Angel of Water, and gently she arrives and takes her place inside us, watering our bone dry places, our deserts of postulating that we are without Love. We are willing to be wrong 🙂 and how lovely it is to be wrong about the belief that we are stuck in agony-land

I see how many of the babies here are frozen within this fear too.  And smiling I witness my healing children running to them and picking them up, singing to them, humming, stroking, embracing, rocking them, singing

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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