Good Company

Since the Corona arrived, in Norway we very fast realized that we might starve to death and after we had bough ut all the toilet paper we bought seeds.

I dug up quite some beds in my garden and planted lots of seeds inside in March. Mostly tomato seeds. I had trust and planted two seeds in a big pot for what I was certain to be a formidable grand bush of tomatoes.
In one month it grew to the two first tiny leaves – and there it stopped. It stem never grew thicker than a sowing thread. Then it withered. And so it went with the others too .

Then after 2 months of this I decided to toughen in up and let it stay outside all the time.That helped – it now grew up more robust, but still max 1/2 cm tall.

That lasted until three days ago, when I asked both plants – in their big pots – what was wrong. At once they started to wail, and one of them said with a low voice ” we’re lonely. We need company!”

I felt ashamed but happy that they were so straightforward. And I promptly placed them in my mint bed with roots from here to China.
Two days later one has sprouted new leaves and smiles at me – the other seems a bit crippled but we will see what happens now when he is in a loving environment.

The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

Laser intention

I intend – that is where it’s at for me now.

My electromagnetic helpers – PC, cell-alarm, el. Kitchen scales  – all “sabotage” me – until I state clearly what I intend: I intend to write this text without irritation and errors.

My kitchen scales faded out in the middle of measuring ingredients for sourdough bread three times now- latest today. Then my inner lamp lightened up – ah – I need to INTEND clearly = means perfect focus on what I am doing.

No more sabotage. I sensed my whole self came together harmoniously.

Yesterday I wanted to correct a small recorder that lately had played my voice in double tempo. I have tried for three months to set it to slow, following the written brochure, with no avail. Yesterday I intended to turn it to slow. I did the usual routine – that had not worked for 3 months – and something very unusual happened: my vision somehow scrambled, and  very  slowly I watched the image of the recorder  enlarge, and I witnessed my own recorded too-fast-voice slowly adjusting itself back to normal. It felt like I actually manipulated time itself. Then the letters SLOW appeared on the screen.

As above so below. As the outer, so the inner.

I intend that this post helps hundreds to do the same adjustment with their mind – if  they want to:)

LIONS

Dream: I am on my way to school – and the landscape I traverse, a vast Savannah, is filled with lions. I look right ahead, as I am not really caring about this, I “know” that if I look at them, they will see it as an invitation to rip me to pieces.

Waking up, I sense the agonized fear in my nervous system. AND I realize the tremendous gift: Now I have that raw fear of death right HERE – and NOW I can sit with that little girl inside, listen, allowing  her to express.

This fear is the very ground of that “thumping motion” in my solar plexus that earlier caused severe dizziness – God bless this chakra for storing up so much agony and still allowing me to live with joy and curiosity.

And so I sit – and the energy slowly abates. Divinity is present

Hm. Could it be that these dream lions just wanted to play?  And to allow me to hug their great heads and listen to their low satisfied rumbling , cats that they are?

I wonder how it would feel for dream-Leelah to do this

 

The Queen of Chameleons

The closed-off room

The fear of taking space – for my self

I closed it off when I had to, to adjust instead.

Inside that room was a compressing machine,

doing a truly magnificent job. The stuff that could have

joyed up a whole world now compressed into

one quadrate centimeter closed-off self

of atomic bomb power.

I closed the room and lived outside it as the Queen of Chameleons.

A true master: emerald green head yellow gold paws and violet/blue tail

***

This just came in to my mailbox – from Educare

There is an Order to life

It is not your job to create the Order.
It is your job to yield to It.
Observe, listen, accept and follow.
*

Thank you! All traumatized parts try to create order and sense. Now I have seen her and loved her -and maybe Poetry can do the rest?

 

Old gunk in the cells

I have an intolerable inner itching all over the body. Sensing into it, it hisses and hates. Immediately I recognize it as a signal for a radical choice: turn around and bless it. Accept it. Allow it to breathe and express – let it realize it will be heard and not condemned and judged.

A big room opens at my choice. I am lying in the dark for hours of this outpouring of hatred and hopelessness. I see that my worst experiences with ghosts and demons – those energies, from those souls that decide to stay on this plane after their death – they are here now to be SEEN and accepted and helped.

I did a lot of work with this ca 30 years ago – but then I had a belief that they were somehow doomed and less than me – “they must have done something terrible and this is their punishment” or something like that.

Long time ago I spent the night on an old farm, and it swarmed with ghosts and base, mean energies. Thank God there was a woman there who was NOT afraid, and we went from room to room and called out the ghosts to see the light and return to where they came from. I certainly saw them as something outside of “me.” Not anymore: we create these ghost-like lost beings by violently deciding against looking at them with love,

In the night, I thanked them all for not giving up trying to get me to SEE them with love. I saw that it was my violent resistance to these energies that demonized them. The shift in frequency was remarkable.

This hatred in my mind – there was never given SPACE for it. It was pressured together into a little stone hard ball, it could not even breathe in there. No wonder its rage was explosive.

I forgive all the ghosts that I have fed with resistance and judgments. I forgive all the parents in all incarnations I have had who never have dared to look at this inside themselves. I can now clearly see the same God essence in all – and how by our false perception we pervert it and make it into hate.  Help me realize how important it is to SEE and acknowledge this original hate and give it space to BE and to be seen.

I let go of the thought that I have been unjustly treated – that I am evil – that there is something wrong about me –

I remember our cat, Cleo – she had been rejected by her mother, so we got her when she was only three weeks old. She walked the top of the sofa behind us and hissed and growled, and I understood that she mirrored something in me. Oh yes. Now, 30 years later, I can see the depth of that hidden rage – never been allowed to be a child (or kitten )– with  a stable and safe-feeling mother.

I choose to allow Love to FLOW into all of this. I forgive all the roles I have played. I breathe the breath of Christ into all of it. May Grace take over.

*

After this I have a dream about a horse – free, wild, running just to run free and wild – it is its nature – its horsepower.  My breath is deep and free as I see my inner horsepower free. This is what we access when we have walked through our guarded rooms to the jewel inside.

Then I was given a wild dog called Tycho. That is Greek and means good luck – and hitting the mark. It also means having a good backbone

Next day and night the itching is back – and this time it is about shame. All the ways I have been taught to call myself shameful for acts or thoughts I have taken over from others. How beautiful to now be able to be the welcome and embrace of all those thoughts and energies, and finding the God- essence inside all of them.

Without the “me” and “mine” attached to them, it is just neutral energy, calling for love.

 

 

Smiling and playing music for plants

In a spiritual group recently I posted this:

Deepening practice week 8: I made an intention to SMILE AT PLANTS.

IT FEELS WONDERFUL. I smile a lot now, and of course they smile right back.

Today, I received this:

Next week, Barcelona’s Liceu opera house will emerge from its lockdown-induced siesta by throwing a concert to a rather unusual audience. The attendees will not need masks or gloves, nor will they be required to follow physical distancing rules.

However, they might like to take along a nice comfy pot and some water to prevent their roots from drying out as a string quartet serenades them, fittingly, with Puccini’s Crisantemi (Chrysanthemums).

A total of 2,292 plants will occupy the venue’s seats and listen to the opera house’s first post-lockdown concert when it reopens next Monday. Non-vegetal music fans will also be able to enjoy the performance as it will be live-streamed.

According to the Liceu’s artistic director Víctor García de Gomar, the Concert for the Biocene, played the by Uceli quartet, is intended to help us ponder the current state of the human condition and how, in lockdown, we have become “an audience deprived of the possibility of being an audience”.

For Eugenio Ampudia, the conceptual artist behind the concert, the project will serve to reflect what has happened across Spain and around the world as the COVID-19 pandemic has forced people to retreat from shared public areas.

“At a time when an important part of humankind has shut itself up in enclosed spaces and been obliged to relinquish movement, nature has crept forward to occupy the spaces we have ceded,” said Ampudia.

After the concert, the plants will find themselves in a new home, with each one of them being donated to 2,292 health workers as thank you for their efforts over recent months.

 

Healing the ancestral line

Long times ago, my daughter, then ten, was about to have surgery. I decided to tape the most beautiful music I knew onto a tape she could listen to when under anesthesia. I found that tape today, and I started to text M how filled that tape was with my love for her. I wrote from my heart, and when I read it through, I thought it sounded pompous and bombastic. I got a really strong impulse to delete it – but chose to wait a bit. Next time I looked at the phone, M had sent me 38 hearts.

As I sat and allowed those hearts to be received and embraced, it dawned on me that this fear of being “pompous” comes from my father – and his father before him – far away back. Behind is was a fear of being ridiculed while being innocent and straight ( and presumably not “masculine”.) I set an intention to return it to the original sender and all the related ancestors with my blessings and forgiveness.

This has been a deep healing process for me – and when I “sense into” the energy of returning it with love and no judgment, I can see and sense how that frequency lightens up and is healed far far back into my ancestral line.

So something to ponder about – ask yourself ” who does this belong to?” and if you “hear” a name or “see” a face, let it all be returned, with all the love you can muster for the agony of so much self hatred and guilt.

And may I invite you to have look at my three books in the right menu. “Hilaryon Stories” is the last one – a novel about healing deep old hatred with playfulness and music.

 

Corrupted files

A couple of days ago, I had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of being taken over by an alien force. It felt like “I” was sucked out – and instead, this other energy took me over, filled me to the brim, seeped in to all my cells, just took me over.

Since I am committed to going the distance, I knew that this was something that would bring me closer to Love – it happened for me, not to me. I went to bed  early and asked for dreams to illuminate what was going on.

It came at 3am:

I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a big room with hundreds of others. At my head sat a man with a foul expression, and suddenly he pushed his fingers hard into the space below my collarbone – in Chinese medicine, K 27. I grabbed his left hand and just bit through his finger – there was no blood in that finger, and no pain response from the man.

I woke up and realized that this was not a man, it was an energy frequency of base and vile attack. It had a double meaning: the feeling of corruption and toxicity was strong – an energy of male disgust and disrespect for women – but  there was nothing sexual about it. So, very confusing. I asked my Self for insight, and heard that this was a taste of the main attack-and abuse-archetype I describe in my book  “When Fear Comes Home to Love”– “Fuckeat.” This was part of that frequency – and the question came, was I willing to love it?

Not in a million years! I muttered, and intuitively knew that, YES – I had signed up for this when I agreed to work with the archetypes of violence and abuse when I started up my therapy practice.

So now was the question – HOW could I bring Love to it?

It so happened that Carrie Triffet recently had given us in a course an exercise called breathing-with-Christ – allowing the Christ to enter our lungs and then breathing that love breath into and through everything we encountered.

It worked – slowly, but it worked. AND there was something within that “corrupted file” / demonic contempt/ that  S L O W L Y  released its dark form.

I can do this, and I will. Day by day, loving that corrupted field in the soul right into its sacred center. Carrie teaches – and I fully agree – that God is either inside everything or It is non-existing. So in the middle of any darkness, there is essential eternal Light – and we ARE this Light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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