The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

During my first 20 years I was raped and abused by my father – he did this when being in a Mr Hyde – state of mind. That had the curious effect that after the deed, both he and I  switched back int the “normal” Dr.Jekyll – state – and  no-one now knew what had happened.

A complete switch in consciousness, a split in the psyche  – it took me the first 38 years of my life to  open up  and find that split off / dissociated child.

My father’s Dr. Jekyll part I loved, and had a lot in common with – the love of literature, art, music , and playing silly word games. Some of the most beautiful memories involve my father and I in various situations of Silence and beauty.

After a lot of education and years in many sorts of therapy, I started my private practice as Expressive Arts Therapist and later became supervisor for students in the education.

After ten years of practice or so I started to recognize clear patterns of symptoms and behaviour in 99% of my patients – and from inner guidance I was helped to see that they were sent to me because I was supposed to explore the archetypes in the common psyche of this kind of soul sickness. When the work went deep and down and scary, I called intensely for help from the Divine and was answered in the most loving  and wise and tender ways – and I became aware that all this was meant to be chronicled in a book I was supposed to write.

As the work with my students developed and the 10 archetypes became clear, more patients showed up, always demonstrating the themes I most needed to understand- so we explored them through dance, music, painting, writing, storytelling etc – and there was a clear red thread through my patients’ work, that demonstrated that there was Something present through all the modalities and expressions – and that this Something  was holy and utterly dependable.

The synchronicities were over the top unavoidable to notice -and that helped us all realize that we were  moving through a dark landscape with a trusted Guide – and   where I now started to notice how the map could be made.

The map turned into the three books you find in the right menu:

When Fear Comes Home to Love – the Healing Gifts of Art, Play and Forgiveness

Case stories, autobiography, my own spiritual journey with guidance from Divinity and lots of synchronicities. A bonafide map for traversing these dark Jekyll and Hyde-landscapes.

“108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” are some of the most helpful and popular creative exercises that arose in the sessions – they are helpful for anyone being in a crisis.

The third book, Hilaryon Stories  is a novel – Hilaryon is a state of frequency that may look like a planet, where deep trauma and stories of loss play out among my beloved characters. Johan Sebastian Bach is one of them, and playfulness and white hares turn up to play big roles in my characters’ lives

When you click on the book covers you will get to my author page and may read reviews.

***

For the readers who are ready to bring healing and transformation to the dark psychic patterns they may carry, I offer Skype sessions called Transformation. You will get 15 free minutes on Skype where you can ask questions – and if the connection feel OK for both of us, we may set up a session.

Lessons

Hahaha!

A Course in Miracles teaches that we are here to learn lessons – and they are always about Love. We will get these lessons until we have learned them well.

This Lesson today has turned up for years: a sign on the PC tells me that the document I am working with is now used by another person. I do not have access to it anymore. It has taken huge stress – but today was the turnaround.

When “ this is locked and used by another” sign appeared, I instantly interpreted it “ this pattern comes from another part of ME- I am the one creating it.”

I noticed the stress and pressure -energy inside – and relaxed instead of trying to fix it. Sent love into it and accepted that it was HERE as a lesson and not a punishment.

Then, on the screen, for the first time in my PC life, this sign appeared: the document is now open for editing.

All it took was a change in mind –

a choice for Love

Worth

This  lesson* has repeated itself faithfully the last 5 of more years. The basics is: I have bought something I love – whatever – and the gift to myself is delivered to a pick-up address in a post office far away from me. It would take me at least three hours to get there with buses. And so I have to contact the post office – and the last variety of this, happened last week, was that all the posts with order number and pickup number simply disappeared from my mailbox. I chatted with The Post delivery, and even when that astonishing man succeeded in finding my packet without the number . what a miracle! – in the end he made some promises to send me certain mails – and they never turned up.

I chatted with a new chat person – did I mention that I am stubborn – and she miraculously found that other chat person – she made promises too re mails – nothing turned up in my mail.

SO AT LAST I was willing to acknowledge that I was not a victim of this repeated process – it was a metaphor f my belief:  I am not worthy to receive the gifts of the Universe

Bu I truly am as God created me – that cannot change at all. I have believed myself to be an unworthy guilty being, separated from God’s Love.

I truly see the IMMENSE suffering that belief has created – for me and everybody.

I am willing to be wrong about it

I am willing to let it go

I am willing to have my perception made from fear be transformed

All I need is my willingness to accept that this is true

Fully and completely

*A Course in Miracles teaches that all our seemingly troubles and trials are nothing but lessons the Universe delivers – to help us find our hidden beliefs of ego, forgive them and replace them with truth And the Universe will mirror the Truth back to us. As Above, so Below. What I don’t accept inside myself, the Universe will mirror back to me – so the lessons are very clear, once I discover them 🙂


	

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

Dementia

The time between last post and this has been filed with a gradual worsening mental capacities – all the signs of dementia. Near-memories disappearing, great confusion and strange behaviour where it has felt like I don’t have the faintest clue who I am.

I had a life-saving session with Carrie Triffet, and succeeded  in finding some inner parts that were terrified of light, terrified of being found even – and I discovered how exactly THIS way of organizing my energy system saved me from going bonkers when I was small  – and probably many other lifetimes. It was SUCH a block to a free brain functioning , it may be the very collective impetus to dissociate, split off, go “elsewhere.” Now I saw the love and loyalty in that protective behaviour, and I could with all my heart give that part all my respect and love.

All automatic self-judgments and severe confusion-patterns melted away.I told that part it did not have to change for me to love it, and I meant it.

This new clarity vacillated for some days – the feelings of dementia returned and disappeared – and last night was a breakthrough: I start with inviting the Divine into my breath, and in the night that sentence was hidden by a ton of old defenses. So I sat up and even changed place in the bed- moving to the other side of  it – and I found my little note book with the session with Carrie and read it out loud again and again: “ I invite the Divine into my breath.”

Gradually it solidified – it took two hours of clear intention – and now it is here

The dementia has gone

And I now wonder if dementia is just that – old hateful and scared parts that has been judged into oblivion, forcing the neural patterns to establish banes and paths with tremendous force of denial in them.

At last for me – now – I have very rarely felt such inner peace and stability. And strength and health.

Guides and Angels

I have had hundreds of dreams where I am on my way home. Penniless, maps lost, seemingly stuck in isolation . Quite a nightmare.

So I asked my angels and spiritual guides to show up in my dreams. And lately, I have had wonderful helpful “people” showing me the way, helping me in any way conceivable. When I wake up, I marvel at their kindness, and the feeling that they are old friends really –

-and today I know: they are my angels of course!

Happy sigh

***

And a recent poem:

The worried boy

You have wanted it to end
for a while
maybe years to be honest
and better be honest when it
comes to the end

The end shall be clear
and make an impact you say.
No mess to mop up after you
No wrinkly sweaty sheets
and God forbid, no worry-face-boy

But the ocean rises outside
the pretty-please curtains
and soon it may crash through
your Chippendale chairs
and the Ming Ming Ming

And what about
your scout diploma with acorns
moans the worried boy within .
and the criss crossed cones
and the faded red badge:

Lone Wolf Tribe

A Path through the Jungle

When the mind tries to understand d things – to feel safe and have control – it cannot open to the beauty of life in all its nuances. Those of us with big trauma in our luggage has actually survived by controlling, pushing the traumas deep down- and because of all of that underground activity, Illnesses arrive, physical and psychic. All the avoiding systems, carefully architected, grow like a jungle, slinging their lianas criss – crossing through our nervous system. It saved us then, and now it produces strange fruit.

I wanted to know – how can I be of help? How can I use my jungle-knowledge to serve in this world with so much putrefying agony, where frequently the trees grow so dense that the light cannot reach us down here?

I have been given a muse – I write stories and poems that may heal and give hope. The muse is full of strength and outrageousness and laughter; it is a pleasure to allow her to use me.

In my practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist, the healing story arises in the sacred space between the student and me. One of us start with a sentence or more, the other continues when it feels right. The story grows and we follow, often fantastic and outrageous, and there use to be a place where we both have no idea where – and IF – it will find an end. It ends when we stick with it- trusting the spirit that plays with us, knowing precisely what we both need to heal and grow. When we get there, there is relief, gratitude, deep breathing. And it turns out that this particular story precisely addressed the student’s predicament at that moment in time.

Hilaryon Stories is created in this way. If you “try to understand” you will hurt. I invite you to you read by just going for the ride –  trusting that the path through it will lead to a clear and beautiful space within you ( and the jungle.) No need to try to understand – the story, as it was given me through 5 years and two years pause – has ability to heal deep collective unconscious patterns. I know that from experience. If you are one of those travelers who would like to clear a bit of jungle, your soul will thank you for it. In these Corona times with tremendous uncertainty about most anything, Hilaryon Stories is a bona fide path back Home – it teaches you to let go and trust – just like it did me.

My muse presented me with the chapters in a seemingly chaotic pattern – precisely to give the readers the experience of having lost the path in the jungle –  and then, if you hang in there, joining the characters in their experiences of loss, longing and playfulness, I trust that you will find your  own joy – the point of it all.

Here is a review:

I finished the book – and miss it dearly! I wish I could read on every night from now on!
The sense of it all still escapes my mind, yet it left me feeling uplifted and joyful, playful and very grateful!
When I did a little grounding meditation yesterday, I decided to visit my belly from the inside. ( My belly has been like seven months pregnant for years, feeling uncomfortable. I believe, I shut it down in many ways.) So I let my awareness travel down there and found only darkness and barren land. Then, suddenly it started to transform! I saw grass growing, and streams meandering – looked like Ireland. A change again and it was a kind of Hobbiton ! Flowers, little houses and JOY! Abundance everywhere! Little people dancing, singing, eating, creating! Perhaps not so dissimilar to Hilaryon…
My life force energy was moving as a strong tingling in my lower belly! I just loved it!

 

The Arborist

I just had such a radiant example of projection of another – projecting all my fear, confusion and “not finding words” on him. He is an arborist – he climbs trees and cut away what is needed, with love.
I asked for 5 different arborists to make an offer, and this guy answered first, in a very clumsy way – only a few words on my cellphone. The horrible energy I felt, I was certain I picked up from him. 1) I went directly into enemy/victim mode – BUT I was aware of it and gave thanks for it. I worked most of the first night melting my usual automatic fearful experience – knowing that it was my perception of him that created this.
Next day the fear was changed in a way – he was no longer seen as an actual threat – now it was impossible to get a clear answer from him on my phone if I could have a written contract. He omitted answering the request again and again – and then told me he was dyslectic. I immediately supported him by sharing how I recognized all the troubles he must have had – and that lightened the connection remarkably.
Then I was in agony one more night – since now the mind brooded about that he was volatile and would fall into attack or strange ways of relating.( I have had A LOT of encounters with these kind of men in my childhood and youth – so no wonder!)
I held onto acknowledging how I felt AND looking beyond it, and blessed the space around us and between us. LOTS of blessing:)
In the morning I called him again to set up an appointment for him to come and look at the huge Beech I have in my garden. Beeches are very rare in Norway! I am the proud owner ( or friend) of her beauty. But last year she has grown TREMENDOUSLY in all directions ( hmm just like me :)) and she needs some “pruning” to get more air.
His voice was quite different. Deeper, much more space inside him. Patient now. We both spoke differently. And as he before had complained about having FAR too little time to come and look, now he said he could come at once.
So he came. He was tall and beautiful. I told him what I wanted, and he listened. And said: ” I want to give her what SHE needs and wants. What is best for HER.”And I started to cry from happiness, and the Beech was VERY happy, radiantly happy.
We smiled to each other, and I told him if it had not been for the Corona, I had been hugging him crazy right now.
And oh how wonderful it feels to know that whatever I think belongs to others of the old attack/victim pattern, and judge, is part of my soul  – now to be melted with love and release in the One mind

Dis-identifying

Slowly SLOWLY it dawns on me a knowing that I am finished connecting memories and feelings and seeing that as a prerequisite for healing and wellbeing. That ALWAYS brings great peace – but only for a few minutes, it seems. Now, since I started using the procedures in Wholeness Worksand doing the online training . it dawns on me that I, like the rest of the Corona-stricken humanity, are  pushed out of old modalities and forced to go deeply into the very kinesthetic about suffering -the felt sense, the sensation quality of anything.

What has repeated itself faithfully in my life is this: after each beautiful full healing, “something” goes right back to the usual stress and agony and chaosmind-mode – and the frequency of that is very low. What happened now were a change in my mind: instead of agonizing, I noticed the sensation of all that muck and chaos- collective thoughts – and I heard myself resonating, “I could be the awareness of all of that – instead of automatically identifying with it.

I was aware that I automatically had identified with ANY feeling that came to me – and that there had to be a part inside that chose to do that.

And that that part must be very old – and young – and that I now could gently invite it to accept the invitation to merge and integrate in and AS awareness – which is all around and inside with no edges and no judgments.

I did not sense that it said yes – but all the same, I felt a seeping of the low frequency energy into the full field of awareness.

The freedom felt indescribable. What was stunning was that I breathed much freer.

And it comes from a clear choice to BE the awareness of the suffering.

 

 

Good Company

Since the Corona arrived, in Norway we very fast realized that we might starve to death and after we had bough ut all the toilet paper we bought seeds.

I dug up quite some beds in my garden and planted lots of seeds inside in March. Mostly tomato seeds. I had trust and planted two seeds in a big pot for what I was certain to be a formidable grand bush of tomatoes.
In one month it grew to the two first tiny leaves – and there it stopped. It stem never grew thicker than a sowing thread. Then it withered. And so it went with the others too .

Then after 2 months of this I decided to toughen in up and let it stay outside all the time.That helped – it now grew up more robust, but still max 1/2 cm tall.

That lasted until three days ago, when I asked both plants – in their big pots – what was wrong. At once they started to wail, and one of them said with a low voice ” we’re lonely. We need company!”

I felt ashamed but happy that they were so straightforward. And I promptly placed them in my mint bed with roots from here to China.
Two days later one has sprouted new leaves and smiles at me – the other seems a bit crippled but we will see what happens now when he is in a loving environment.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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