Alan Watts-video

Try and imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up.
Think about that
Children think about that
It is one of the great wonders of life
“What is it like to go to sleep and never wake up?”
And if you think long enough about that
Something will happen
You will find out among other things,
That it will pose a next question to you
“What was it like to wake up after having never gone to sleep?”
– Alan Watts

Enough –

A dear friend shares a story about her boy,7 years, who visited a friend last day and ate too much and threw up a lot in the night. Instantly I attach to the archetype of what I call “Child” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” –  the conviction that “I don’t have enough, I am not enough.” In Buddhist tradition, this is called Hungry Ghost: it HAS TO take take take eat eat eat to fill itself up – since it perceives itself as a vacant space – and this space is filled with the terrible belief and experience that I am separate from my own Self – God.

As humans, we have all experienced  incarnations being the hungry starving people we see in media. The skeletons from the concentration camps are us.We know  in our gut and soul how the body feels when it is malnourished – how terrible it feels to die of starvation – and what behooves us to know is also how strongly this physical starvation and hunger is connected to the belief “I am not lovable.”

And that sensation – those experiences – are all connected to the belief “I am a separate being – this is MY experience.” It firmly plants us in the belief that we are a product of a cruel God who dishes out punishment to someone – and this “someone” must surely been guilty of something, being punished in this way.

So when these old archetypal patterns move within us, we eat. We take that extra glass of wine. And there is no harm in doing that as long as we know what is really going on underneath: we are sucked into an archetype, we are acting it out by pigging out.

There is another image of God – and without that Holy Image inside us all, we could not create anything. WITH the unlimited created power God has given us, we create infernos of limitation and  lack – and we justify our belief that we are unjustly treated to take from others what we think is our birthright.

It IS our birthright – and there are no “others.” What we seek is RIGHT HERE AND NOW in our  loving Heart that we share with all.

My friend and I share the great joy and expansion that happens when we see that what happens with the boy is a remnant from an old story belonging to humanity. It is in the mind, it can be healed in the mind.

Blessings are POWERFUL beyond measure – I see the effects on them on people I meet. You know me and bus drivers – I bless the grumpy and desperate-looking ones with “I bless you in your connection with your joy and Self. I bless you in your memory of Who you are in Truth.” More than often,their desperate looks slide right off.

Now we can do the same with this archetype of hunger and lack when we find it inside( and we find it inside each time we think it is REAL and react to it:) I bless you/myself in your/my true connection to my Self as God’s beloved Child, forever loved,loving and lovable. I bless you in your memory of Who you truly are.

The power to (mis)create

There was a clear shift in my sleeping-pattern for some days – and then I took a glass of red wine for dinner, and bam I was back in doom and gloom. Much of that doom came from my own judgment of taking that glass – oh I shouldn’t have – yes I should, since I have had a great opportunity to watch my mind going into paroxysms of guilt and selfblame, and have truly experienced how scared the me-mind is  to lose its identity. I saw clearly the split parts: the nice and clever girl practicing the Course, and the hating suffering part still feeling exiled. After this I had a dream about having received 2 pretty Salmons for dinner – and they were not still dead, so I had to cut the their throat. I did, reluctantly – hating the killing part – and woke up, feeling that it was my throat that was cut. What a huge shock that was, and the pain – indescribable.

Was it the suffering-me-identity that was killed?

When the doomandgloom woke me up this morning, I called for help as always, and as the alignment with Truth gradually happened, I was shown that I have used the unlimited power to create, given me by God, to seemingly create the seemingly opposite of God – to truly explore it in all its variety, and also deeply experience the consequences of it. What is clear to me right now is that there CAN*T BE ANY OPPOSITE TO GOD . Is there truly WAS a REAL opposite, LOVE could be disputed- God would’nt be God.

I have truly experienced the effect of that belief in countless incarnations, and the Universe – the screen for my projections – has faithfully played it out to me, so very convincingly. But it is seen clearly that an opposite to God is impossible –  it is only a ridiculous idea, that I offer up for correction.

When I have dressed for the day, I get an impulse to call my doctor for a check on my thyroxine-level – and I hear: when you call the doctors office and are answered at the first signal, you can be certain that you do this WITH Me.”

Ha. I have been a patient there for 15 years, and use to sit and wait to be connected to the nurse for about 1/2 hour each time. They have an endless answering-message in the start too.

I call.There is one short beep and the nurse answers me.

I am flabbergasted.I order an appointment, and she tells me the waiting list is long. I don’t accept that at all, tell her that I need to check my thyroxine, and get an appointment in 3 days

*

Here is some lines from the introduction to the Course:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

This is how A Course in Miracles begins. It makes a fundamental distinction between the real and the unreal; between knowledge and perception. Knowledge is truth, under one law, the law of love or God. Truth is unalterable, eternal and unambiguous. It can be unrecognized, but it cannot be changed. It applies to everything that God created, and only what He created is real. It is beyond learning because it is beyond time and process. It has no opposite; no beginning and no end. It merely is.

The world of perception, on the other hand, is the world of time, of change, of beginnings and endings. It is based on interpretation, not on facts. It is the world of birth and death, founded on the belief in scarcity, loss, separation and death. It is learned rather than given, selective in its perceptual emphasis, unstable in its functioning, and inaccurate in its interpretations.

From knowledge and perception respectively, two distinct thought systems arise which are opposite in every respect. In the realm of knowledge no thoughts exist apart from God, because God and His Creation share one Will. The world of perception, however, is made by the belief in opposites and separate wills, in perpetual conflict with each other and with God. What perception sees and hears appears to be real because it permits into awareness only what conforms to the wishes of the perceiver. This leads to a world of illusions, a world which needs constant defence precisely because it is not real.

When you have been caught in the world of perception you are caught in a dream. You cannot escape without help, because everything your senses show merely witnesses to the reality of the dream. God has provided the Answer, the only Way out, the true Helper. It is the function of His Voice, His Holy Spirit, to mediate between the two worlds. He can do this because, while on the one hand He knows the truth, on the other He also recognizes our illusions, but without believing in them. It is the Holy Spirit’s goal to help us escape from the dream world by teaching us how to reverse our thinking and unlearn our mistakes. Forgiveness is the Holy Spirit’s great learning aid in bringing this thought reversal about. However, the Course has its own definition of what forgiveness really is just as it defines the world in its own way.

 

 

Mask or no masks

This morning I had a dream:

My sister – 84 – called my new cellphone, and i could not find out how to answer the call – how to operate my new phone. I slide the ruler from left to right, it does not take. I  feel stressed out when i suddenly spot a  little metal thingy that one can slide towards the right – and there’s the connection! I just had to take a new track to connect …I listen to her voice, and she is coming from her true Self. Wise,loving,patient,compassionate…I never met this sister before, I am thrilled!

When I wake up, I know that when we meet today I want to be straight about what kind of communication that does not work for me any longer.

At the bus to town, I start to feel the old usual doomsday-energy. Blue tells me to breathe into it, open it up and allow it to go – and he adds one important part: ” You don’t have to do the releasing part – all I need, is your little willingness, and your willingness to breathe and let go. You don’t need to believe that it works either 🙂” and it is the last part of the sentence that sets me free today: I realize that before i have always believed that I needed to have a proof that release had happened right away. Today, I just relax and trust him. I need do nothing.

My sister and I meet, and I tell her what I want re our communication, and it feels AWESOME.  There’s no fear at all present. The energy I am in when this happens changes my sister’s communication too. We are in my favorite coffee-shop, and I find myself going silly to the owner behind the counter – telling him that the last stamp on my coffee-card is not visible enough. I will surely miss the next free coffee because of it I say, and we fall into a gigglespell that ends with him stamping me one extra stamp. The energy around this communication is hilariously free and giggly, and completely out of habit for me.

Then I visit a Hamlet-production where all the players wear Hamlet’s mask as their mask…everybody is an outer projection of our inner forgiven “parts” – and what a strong moment it is when Hamlet – who is played by a woman – does the “be or not to be” monologue with her own mask in her hand, instead of a scull. Symbol not to be missed:)

 

 

Our human desperation

To any reader…I am amazed that you hang in there, after so much tales of woe and lament…thank you! This blog is a spiritual and disciplinary practice for me – to just document the movement in a psyche that has been, and still is to some extent, been strongly split from a very young age – and how Love and A Course in Miracles-teaching are gently guiding back to my Self.

Any non-gently process comes from my judging what is presented to me to work with, to sit with, to be with, to just accept as such. This night was ALL filled with desperation. At about 5:30 I started to hear Blue’s voice, nudging me gently to see that this was the degree of desperation I had all the time as a child – and successfully denied and repressed – and this morning, when I heard His words, I also heard him mention that this desperation is the very refrain in the Sonship who still has not woken up.

“It is the desperation of the confused individual using psychological and spiritual means to BECOME awake and enlightened – all that striving, telling yourself that you are NOT as God created you. All that is required is resting AS the perfect Christ Self you are – any “trying” is just cementing the false identity. Remember -“ and here was a big smile  in the voice – “you need do nothing.”

I started to giggle, and was in that moment able to BE WITH all that desperation as it raged through the body. It was just a memory, now I could receive it and embrace it as a common predicament that brought me closer to the human race.

And for the first time I truly embraced and welcomed all that desperation-energy

 

Resting

This night felt like one big blessing. There was resting and not much sleep, but it felt like a dark spell had lifted – I felt safe.

After having slept for a while, I awoke as something very unpleasant arose. “Are you ready?” I heard, and I was – and I spent long time breathing and being with a huge load of toxicity releasing itself. There was NO identification with it at all – again a sign that there had been a break in the dark connection.

I want this to last. I want to feel this freedom each time I go to bed from now on – the simplicity of resting in my body and energy, and being the Loving Self embracing it all.

Seeing through the abuse-archetype

Some days ago I had a strong healing session with Kelle. The same night,Lisa Natoli told me in a group-call that I need to stop telling myself the story that I am sleepless through the last 26 years and that nothing has changed that. She pointed to our Godgiven power that what we say is true becomes true for us. And I DO believe that!

So I listened to our taped conversation in bed and stated my willingness to tell a new story. I told myself I slept like a baby and awoke fresh and vibrant. That night and next morning felt like before – but I still stated to myself that I slept like a baby, and in the night I got the clear impulse to just disregard all fear-and-gloom-thoughts. When they came, I chose to just resting in what felt GOOD in the body – or an inner beautiful image. This went very well for hours. And the next night – this last one – I was aware that I really was willing to drop the thought that “nothing helps for good.” I looked at it and it had lost its charge.

It all came out of my CHOICE to tell myself another story

And this night I slept better – and I had a dream which turned out to have immense healing properties.

My daughter – in the dream a child about 9-10 – told me that her cousin had a man visiting, and he was scary and disgusting. Dream-Leelah told her with flat denial-voice that she should not occupy herself with such things – “it will be all right” – and my daughter looked at me with utter hopelessness.

Awake, I realized that my reaction was an internalization of how MY mother had reacted when I told her similar stories. I sensed the disgust in my body now– how horrible this man’s energy was – and I sensed my inner child’s belief that this energy was impossible to get rid of. In a lightening I realized, here is the reason for the sleeplessness: I have an experience of this kind of energy in my body – and that I can’t get rid of it. That is too horrible to live with. I can deny and suppress it in the day – but when I sleep and am unconscious, it comes back as something that I identify as MINE.

I was right in my insistence that nothing until now would ever help this: the only thing that will help is my full acknowledge  and forgiveness of this energy. I am the source of it, by choosing the ego-thought system of separation, and I can forgive my choice and choose again: now to just REST with the energy – dropping any labels of me and mine and horrible and disgusting – the whole false identification – habit.

I do a Jungian method of returning to the dream with my daughter in a new and loving version: we look together at the man with the disgusting aura: it is clear to me that this is a person who only feels alive when he can troll little children to him and abuse them and make THEM feel small and guilty and disgusting, so he does not have to – for a little while at least. He is clearly projecting his misery outside of himself – and he is doomed to repeat it forever until somebody sees his true Self and mirrors it back to him.

I remember what happened with the out-stressed bus driver – and the instant peace and joy my seeing his essence created in him.

This creation happened in the mind and there is where the healing exists too: looking beyond the disgusting appearances of his acts and looks, wanting only to see Christ in him.

I KNOW it is there – and it is. His mask of “disgusting child molester” slides off – underneath is a devastated little boy who has been seen in love. My daughter sees this too, and all fear disappears as appearances melt. There is a clear connection between his mind and our mind: TRUTH.

The melting of tensions in this body is indescribably beautiful. This energy is not seen as “mine” anymore – and neither are the tensions “mine.” Just a story believed in – and now released in Love

 

 

 

 

 

Worth

I remember a time , maybe 25 years ago, where my brother, his son and my daughter were going in a little motorboat to the nearest town, and my brother started to yell at his son in a way that took all his worth away. Today I recognize that what happened was nothing else than an outpouring of my brother’s internalization of the treatment that his stepfather – my father – gave him, all the time while growing up. It was just an inner tape in him which he now directed at HIS son. The sins of the fathers…

It was a cry for love – and I knew it in my heart then too, but did not see the larger image: just a projection of what my brother had received: “you are not worth a shit and you need to pull yourself together or else!”

No doubt my father had received this message too. And his father –

I also see the perverted love underneath it: “this is the only way I have learned to try to make you safe – to behave like society expects of a man. No room for vulnerability in boys or men!

But the son interprets it as if HE IS WRONG and unlovable. And must compensate for it by being clever and perfect and unfeeling

I remember my daughter as 10 year old telling me in a letter how intensely afraid she was of my anger – and the person I turned into then. At first I did not understand what she meant – so hidden was it to myself. What a wake -up call it was!

We simply have to own it in ourselves – see the innocence of its source: just a false assumption of unworthiness, given us from someone who thinks they are unworthy – just an unending string of beliefs in our ancestral line.

But a lie is a lie – however long it is protected: our worth is give us by our Creator, who creates like Itself

This is no longer our destiny: it has been broken. I allow myself to be the one in our ancestral line who has broken it. I have seen it, my daughter has seen it – it has been forgiven and healed. Well done, Leelah!

The muscle spasms on the right side of the face releases.

Remembering again what Jesus teaches in “The Way of the Heart” – we have chosen everything we experience, in order to learn how to relate to it: with fear or with Love. How other people treat you is their path – how you respond to them is yours.

I see now that what I have seen in my family as small insignificant glimpses of connection in this understanding, is in reality a VAST space of insight that melts the illusion of separated beings. We flicker in and out of it – and whatever calamities that seems to happen has not a chance in hell to change Who we are, and our inherent worth given us by God.

 

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
You know your mama was born to die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

The river of Jordan is muddy and cold
Well it chills the body but not the soul
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

I’ve got a little book with pages three
And every page spells liberty
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

If living were a thing that money could buy
Then the rich would live and the poor would die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

There grows a tree in Paradise
And the pilgrims call it the Tree of Life
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
Read more: Joan Baez – All My Trials, Lord Lyrics | MetroLyrics