This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!


**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts










Fighting myself

My guide Chris at Liberation Unleashed wrote this to me yesterday:
A gentle peace of advice I would like to offer is that of distractions to direct looking. The ‘I’ (ego) while under the scrutiny of direct looking into its illusory nature will offer resistance, either through fear or the more seductive way of pleasure. The ego’s intelligence is such that if fear doesn’t cause the cessation, then pleasure will.

In this way it brings a searching for things that will offer feelings that sooth. By following these nice feelings the identification with the ‘I’ is maintained and strengthened. It’s a bit like running a marathon, and at the half way stage being offered the opportunity to call into a hotel for a spa treatment, massage followed by a sumptuous meal. There’s nothing wrong with that, but the marathon is thus sacrificed.
Dear Chris –
This is good advise, and I love the metaphor of the diversion of a spa. Did you ever see the series “Northern Exposure”?
This has been my favorite ever.In one of the last episodes, “The Quest”, Joel invites Maggie in to the wilderness – he has found an old treasure map and wants to find the treasure! They hike for days, and we understand that the treasure really is the Grail. The episode is really a map for awakening from illusions.
They meet an old Japanese soldier who tells them he has fought many dragons – and then shares that his name Ruy means dragon. “I” am fighting only “myself” in this process, Chris. At least I am seeing it.YET AGAIN:-)
After some days, the couple finds a spa-resort in the middle of nowhere – just as you warned me. They get their massages and good food and drinks – and Joel/me forgets what he came for – but Maggie /Chris reminds us of it. They come to a bridge – The Gate. It is of course locked, and the guardian of the gate played by the main trickster-figure in the Series – gives them a riddle: “How do you keep the one you love?” Joel answers: “You don’t. Love is not possessive There are no ties in Love.” They walk through the Gate/over the bridge, and in the night they find the spot on the treasure map where The Jewelled City is. It is right THERE – and Joel sees it: it is new York and Manhattan, his home before Alaska. He wants Maggie to go with him, but she says no, she HAS her Place – and she/Love lets him go.
Writing this, there have been tears and joy and shivering and rushes of energy. It’s all here, now. One dragon this night told me with strong power: “Of course there is an I. I am the sum total of all your experiences/insights/choices/talents/faults.” Only when I got up from the horizontal position did i see that this is just a thought, believed in – and still cherished. The inner pressure at night has such force that I hardly sleep. I open to it, the Ilona-way, look and look again – and it abates, just to return full force the next night, where the procedures are repeated. It feels like a Sisyphus work – which does not work, as we know – -there really isn’t anything to do – just being with it, zonking out and coming back – maybe “the one I love” is the “me” – maybe I just will allow the I-thought to release –
much love , Leelah

The tale of the snail that did not fail ( follow the trail)

 Looking out through the veranda-door this morning – something was shining so brightly out there, placed on of the boards of my veranda.

How did it get there? what was it? I went out: a little translucent snail.

I followed my first impulse (from fear:) flip it down at once! I will not be barraged from snails!

Having done that, I immediately regretted it. That little one had used tremendous of energy and  clear direction and climbing and climbing – i n all directions: vertical, then horizontal, glueing itself to the bottom of a plank, (snailhead down) than upwards again.

I went downstairs and found it, and brought it up with me again.

Sweet, yes?

I went down again wih my cellphonecamera, watching the front of the house. How did the snail of strong direction do it?








It was on the fourth plank from below.

I started thinking – how I do that, as a nasty habit of fear: I climb and climb through 67 years, in all kind of directions, and when I at last have found a sweet platform to rest on and enjoy the view, I flip myself down again and tell myself fear-stories.






I f you look at the first photo, you’ll see how far up it has climbed  – about  20 feet –

Thunder and lightening

It feels like I have come up from really murky heavy drugged waters. Been there for weeks – short periods of peace in between, but mostly feeling drugged. I dragged myself out in the garden to remove some sticking shrubs: Japanse  berberis. LONG THORNS! I worked with thick gloves, and still was stung again and again and again. I got angrier and angrier, telling the bush that I hated it. I allowed that hate to grow, it felt dangerous….”now I will be punished” told the ego, and I sort of believed it… dark clouds gathered, and a sudden strong rain came. I was inside when the first lightening and thunder started, and pulled all the plugs, sitting and asking for help to see this differently.

There was a little pause – and then a clear decision was there: “I am not willing to be a pawn for the ego thought-system.”

Within 2-3 seconds, the state of druggedness and fogginess evaporated. I have felt like 98 years for a long while – now I feel like 30.

The ever-present pressure to “do something useful” that has felt like a heavy steelband around my temples has gone too.

Once more – a reminder:

“I am not willing to be a pawn for the ego thought-system.”

Japanse berberis (Berberis thunbergii)

Song of a Man Who Has Come Through

Song of a Man Who Has Come Through

by D.H.Lawrence

(Just because I love this poem so much, and it makes me cry.)

Not I, not I, but the wind that blows through me!
A fine wind is blowing the new direction of Time.
If only I let it bear me, carry me, if only it carry me!
If only I am sensitive, subtle, oh, delicate, a winged gift!
If only, most lovely of all, I yield myself and am borrowed
By the fine, fine, wind that takes its course through the chaos of the world
Like a fine, an exquisite chisel, a wedge-blade inserted;
If only I am keen and hard like the sheer tip of a wedge
Driven by invisible blows,
The rock will split, we shall come at the wonder, we shall find the Hesperides.

Oh, for the wonder that bubbles into my soul,
I would be a good fountain, a good well-head,
Would blur no whisper, spoil no expression.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.

It really looks serious but it aint

This is the weirdest day. It has lasted about 45 hours since the morning.

Mary mailed me, contradicted herself and stopped our partnership. I was thinking how much I have worked with forgiving all the aspects of our relationship – and how I saw us, clearly, a couple of nights ago, within a cocoon of radiant light. I got the “message” that all was taken care of between us, whatever happened later was just part of the dream/the script – not to be taken seriously.

That made it possible not to answer the strange mail, to “set her straight”, to correct the contradiction and all kind of those things. What was real, was the image I had seen -so I just let it all go.

And the big trial against the terrorist started today. I am swallowed up by the collective feeling about it all: overwhelming stuff to put it mildly. I am sitting glued to the TV, watching me watching it and having all these reactions – and allowing.

Outside it was wonderful sunny weather – then it started to hail, and now it is sunny again. My sense of time has gone.

But I am hanging in there


The eye of the storm

Today, my friend Barbara posted this on acimdaiylylessons:

When we think on I AM all other thoughts will eventually dissipate.  They have to do so.  Their life comes from our belief.  Without our belief, there is no life.

I AM is the eye of the storm.  The winds are swirling in every direction, but I AM is not touched.  Our ego will continue to visit and will throw stones in many different directions trying to distract us from our focus.  But we remain steady.  We remain constant.  We stand in I AM.

The eye in the storm…the I in the storm…I remember an episode when I was 4 years old. I was standing outside the church close to my house, where I used to play alone in the churchyard. My mind was in a big turmoil from all the chaos and abuse at home which I had to push away properly not to “lose it.” So I pushed it so hard out that it felt like I was standing in a cyclone. I still remember the “outer wind” mirroring the inner wind/chaos – and suddenly, all was still: I was standing in the I in the storm, and knew I was safe in this center.
And wonderfully – in this moment the priest who lived in a house 10 meters from where I stood, saw me in the wind, ran out, scooped me up in his arms  and carried me inside, where he called my parents to come and get me.

Suddenly I remember HOW it feels in that Eye/I.
THanks my dear sister for this image. It was just what I needed right now.

“This was a mistake

Today, this stands out:

T-22.VI.5. Before a holy relationship there is no sin. 2 The form of error is no longer seen, and reason, joined with love, looks quietly on all confusion, observing merely, “This was a mistake.” 3 And then the same Atonement you accepted in your relationship corrects the error, and lays a part of Heaven in its place. 4 How blessed are you who let this gift be given! 5 Each part of Heaven that you bring is given you. 6 And every empty place in Heaven that you fill again with the eternal light you bring, shines now on you. 7 The means of sinlessness can know no fear because they carry only love with them.

When i read this, I sensed a sweet release at the words ” this was a mistake.” I remember that I am only ever reviewing the past – having the choice to condemn it or forgive the illusion of it.

I used it several times today. My neighbor drove me down to the nursery to buy plants, and poured out her complaints about being with an Alzheimer-patient and trying to correct her each time she spoke something wrong. I felt a momentary headache – confirmed “this was a mistake” and asked for help what to say. Instantly I was led to tell my neighbor that the reason she felt so exhausted, was because she felt responsible to correct the Alzheimer-patient – sort of taking her out of the sickness. What a burden! I suggested that next time, she might just enter the patients story where she believed herself to be, and meet her there.

What a great reminder to allow things to be as they are.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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