Hike in the Wood

This has to be the most beautiful day in the whole year. 8th of October – Norway – usually dark,windy, often snow, Today clear and crisp and SO much silent space filled with Love.

I took a long round -hike up in the hills, and here’s some photos.

about 100 meters up the mountain

the adorable little cloud

Friendly co-existence

It Has Already Happened

When it comes to manifesting what we want, the ground rule is to visualize that it has already happened – and how would that feel? sound? look?

 

I found myself in intense gratitude that it already HAS happened – on the level of mind – and all creations start at the level of mind. And the manifestations of the creations will happen as soon as humanity chooses to support these visions, instead of lamenting what is wrong. Oh if Greta Tunberg would see this – what a quickening we would have

 

THIS HAS ALREADY HAPPENED in the mind of a group of people – let’s make it bigger, let’s bless the ever-expanding consciousness and choice for sustainable solutions where Nature in all her beautiful forms is included, cherished and cared for.

 

Showering blessings on this lovable thinking and care for Gaia

And I am reminded that all progress starts with our thinking – yours and mine – and then we join the heart to the mind, and act.

***

Yesterday I opened a new book –FOOD STORY – by Elise Museles.

 

I have a many year old eating disorder –  it feels like wolf hunger. I even bite the skin of my fingers. I have tried  a zillion ways to heal it with recipes and diets  – but only yesterday it SUNK in, after I had watched this video:

in order to create it, I have to visualize what I want.

 

All I have ever done, is to criticize the way I eat and think about food – not necessarily in a harsh way, but I have made myself WRONG = guilty  etc etc etc

How do I want to feel when I eat? asked Elise.

 

Nourished – happy – safe  ( safe :))- relaxed – GUILTFREE – free – present

And then she suggests:

Choose a recipe to support the feeling you want.

I am looking forward to comments to this!

Helplessness and the Fixer

In the Corona journey we all are taking there are these days a collective bone-tiredness, a profoundly deep “ I can’t take this one more second.” The ones of us who are in an awakening process will notice this more acutely. I had one such day yesterday.

There is an old collective pattern: “I have to DO something about this. I, ME, the separate I, has to DO something or find out something -it must be something I have done wrong. There is a deep feeling of impotence and helplessness: I MUST do something – and nothing helps or works.

This is the very archetype of helplessness. In Non Duality (A Course in Miracles) I am helped to discover that this small I does not exist as a separate being – it is part of the collective mind that is convinced it has succeeded in separating itself from God /Source /Universe/Love.

The Corona virus has made these old fear patterns visible for us all. “I can’t breathe fully and freely” is one such pattern – and most of humanity has not been raised to breathe fully and freely, since that would allow us to be in touch with painful overwhelming emotions.

Personally, I have been caught in the belief that “this is something I must cope with – tackle – fix.” Then I try more and more and more to fix it – and that strengthens the feelings of powerlessness. I now give power to the belief that I, small mind,Leelah, has to do this.

I noticed that anything I did within this pattern, strengthened it. As long as I saw myself as a separate struggler and victim, I tangled myself deeper into the very archetype of helplessness.

I noticed that for me, the solution was: OH there I go again. ( smile.) I choose to drop these thoughts and rest in Love.

Now helpless-thoughts are not mine anymore – they just are humanity’s  thoughts – and Love flows into my mind. I notice I am willing to receive help from Love – and I am available for Love-thoughts.

It is good to make space for these energy frequencies. I can just sit with this as a meditation – making myself available – but even better for me is taking a hike in the wood.

 

Holy place in the wood

Sacred peace

Home

Nature Creatures Comes Alive

My daughter and I took a long hike around an island/islet nearby – Calf’s islet. Hundreds of people out hiking – many families – it was wonderful to see so many mask-free people enjoying life together. Lots of space there 🙂

Suddenly I saw that M would look marvelous with those long stiff yellowish straws – so we found a place outside of the path, she laid down and I placed the straws on her – and started to take pictures. She looked like she was in heaven, so incredibly peaceful.

Here as some photos, with her permission.

deep happiness and rest

and then the straw creature came alive

Then I found a strange mossy cap-like thing and decided I wanted to see how it fitted me. I felt the same deep intense peace and happiness

—

I felt like new born for hours after. Intimate experience -like we dipped into a level that felt familiar in an unexpected way. Now the body KNOWS how to feel deep peace, just beingness.

When we walked back, we found shrubberies and tall stiff grass  where we could play another time.

Later!

To Bee or Not to Bee – and a shameless plug

Some years ago I was wondering which way to take my art. I had worked as an Expressive Arts Therapist since 1988, and suddenly I had lots of time just for me. My muse told me that I should make “soul-chairs.” She pointed out that I already had worked with clay figures, finding a “character” or “soul” wanting to come through – so now I could go bigger. Two chairs into this process I was asked to create a Bee-chair – this was the time when humanity was starting to notice that bees were becoming fewer.

This is my bee-chair – in many details. She stands in my studio.

front

It grew slowly forth – through many metamorphoses – this is how it ended up. The painted bees were crawling up from a golden ground/ the legs – and it soon became clear that I had to create Queen bees.These turned out to have distinct characteristics and “souls” – like this one above.I sculpted the striped body from doll-clay and painted them, and all the rest of adornments are taken from Nature.Each bee is 5-7 cm. The head ornament here – I have no idea what it is, but i found it and sprayed gold on it.Her wing are dry leaves, prepared with glue.

The Ermine Queen

She sits on the back of the chair – on her way up to watch the Nature Beings on the top

This has silvery wings and a tulle shirt – and a bit of ermine, too. They are queens and truly like to dress up. And here you can see the tallest tree spirit with his pink hat – maybe you see that one eye, and his long snout pointing right

The Golden Mysterious one

Seeds and “skeletons-leaves” where only the the fine veins are left

Bee chair back -with tree-spirits at the top

This chair took four years to come into Beeing (couldn’t resist. ) I was blocked – something was missing. Then I discovered that of course Tree-spirits had be included. I found this sweet root and mounted it on the chair, which breathed happily out.All the branches are adorned with Spirits.

 

Here you see the black leather punk Queen -and also a Temple Knight that I found close to my house and wound up with red yearn. A Tree Spirit with a white flower as hat stands right behind him.

This one wanted another photo. She wants you to see how very flattering that golden transparent shield is, and she enjoys the red seeds too.

You can spot two other chairs in the left corner back in the room – the dark Troll chair and the Joy chair. More about those later.

And here comes the shameless plug: Some years after the chairs were finished, they all found their way into my first and maybe only novel – Hilaryon Stories. It turned out that they played  an important role in some people’s lives. Johann Sebastian Bach is there too – he incarnated on to the Planet Hilaryon to be with his old friend Croc – (you may not know this, but they were old friends in old Khem/Egypt, and they sang the Pyramid Sakkara into being.) Which is not strange when we consider that everything has a frequency, and  with sacred intent wonderful things may be possible.

You’ll find Hilaryon stories in the right menu – and there are some reviews to read on my Amazon Author Page

 

Dissociation – or Going Trough the Ice

I found this on Google images -photo taken by SeeWhatEyeSee. This is a good image of how it FEELS to be in that ice cold spot where you are seen, but nobody cares about it

In non-dualism (A Course on Miracles) we are One mind – seemingly spread out as 7 billion humans and a zzzillion of others beings – the One wanting the experience Itself as all of creation. I have found the old adage “As within, so without” to be precise and workable for me in my daily life.

So this One – expressed as me / Leelah – takes much joy and giggles from playing with everything showing up for her growth. Today, as I randomly picked a page on one of my many small notebooks, I found this about BEARS:

“:But their hidden strength lies in the bear’s ability to travel between the psychical and spiritual worlds, a talent that is recognized all around the world by those who live in harmony with nature.

One way that bears access their inner world in during hibernation when they find a safe and womb-like environment to let their physical bodies rest while their spirit travels. They travel through time, mentally digesting and learning from their experience, but they also travel beyond the realm of mind and body into the dreamtime, where they are able to be rejuvenated by the source of all life. In this sacred space, they are connected to physical, mental and spiritual realms all at once and can find the balance that they need to re-enter the world.”

This capacity I have also found in the Essene tradition – the one Jesus grew up within. In books about that tradition, their mysteries and spiritual explorations, I read about the spiritual practice -meticulously trained through years – to revitalize their bodies as they lie inside holy structures, like pyramids, guarded by priests and priestesses. In the book, “Anna – grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong, you can read about this in detail.

SO in mu notebook, I saw that bears travel like this too – revitalizing themselves. Aint that something!

I looked at the Teddybear in my bed and smiled.

And thought about a split of / dissociated part of me – which I have described in When Fear Comes Home to Love – an image I have found in all my patients: A small child, living in a hole in the ice – the image of deep repression of needs and overwhelming pain and trauma.

To heal this inner archetypal part, takes tremendous love, loyalty, and time – and playfulness, I have noticed. So now I looked at my Teddy and wondered if s/he could be a surrogate for the inner child.

Being a surrogate for another is a well known method for those who work with healing and see ourselves as beings of spirit -knowing that we truly are ONE in spirit. I can intend to “embrace you ” spiritually and “ work” on you  within MY body – I serve as your surrogate.

So I asked the inner ice-child if she would consider me working on her THROUGH Teddy. She said yes.

And so I took Teddy and did some energy procedures on her – and felt the results in MY body.

MAGIC!:)

Some procedures were instantly success – warmth and peace enveloped us ( the inner girl.) Others that I /Leelah love, did nothing for her – demonstrating that the dissociated part’s nervous system is not the same as mine –  our disowned parts live under slightly different laws than our physical body.

I LOVE how life constantly amuses me and refreshes me.

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

Jubilation Springer

This is a Jubilation springer – in case you wondered

it is about 10 cm tall.

I found this sprig in the wood lately – and thought “how marvelous Nature is, to do this peculiar almost circle-bough.” So I brought it home, hoping that it would be made into something creative and playful.

And it did! yesterday!

You see, I am an artist – and I wither if I can’t express myself with art and playfulness. For some reason I have not been able to express myself in  visual arts for almost 2 years –  but yesterday night, I heard  the bough call me from downstairs when i was going to bed and I followed the impulse.

I took 2 grams of clay and made his snout, open – and glued on two black pearls as eyes. A red fringe for some reason lay of my desk, so I glued it to his head – and a bit to his tail. Gave it some color, and there he was.

And here he is ♥

 

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than me – and this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting myself

My guide Chris at Liberation Unleashed wrote this to me yesterday:

A gentle peace of advice I would like to offer is that of distractions to direct looking. The ‘I’ (ego) while under the scrutiny of direct looking into its illusory nature will offer resistance, either through fear or the more seductive way of pleasure. The ego’s intelligence is such that if fear doesn’t cause the cessation, then pleasure will.

In this way it brings a searching for things that will offer feelings that sooth. By following these nice feelings the identification with the ‘I’ is maintained and strengthened. It’s a bit like running a marathon, and at the half way stage being offered the opportunity to call into a hotel for a spa treatment, massage followed by a sumptuous meal. There’s nothing wrong with that, but the marathon is thus sacrificed.

Dear Chris –

This is good advise, and I love the metaphor of the diversion of a spa. Did you ever see the series “Northern Exposure”?
This has been my favorite ever.In one of the last episodes, “The Quest”, Joel invites Maggie in to the wilderness – he has found an old treasure map and wants to find the treasure! They hike for days, and we understand that the treasure really is the Grail. The episode is really a map for awakening from illusions.

They meet an old Japanese soldier who tells them he has fought many dragons – and then shares that his name Ruy means dragon. “I” am fighting only “myself” in this process, Chris. At least I am seeing it.YET AGAIN:-)

After some days, the couple finds a spa-resort in the middle of nowhere – just as you warned me. They get their massages and good food and drinks – and Joel/me forgets what he came for – but Maggie /Chris reminds us of it. They come to a bridge – The Gate. It is of course locked, and the guardian of the gate played by the main trickster-figure in the Series – gives them a riddle: “How do you keep the one you love?” Joel answers: “You don’t. Love is not possessive There are no ties in Love.” They walk through the Gate/over the bridge, and in the night they find the spot on the treasure map where The Jewelled City is. It is right THERE – and Joel sees it: it is new York and Manhattan, his home before Alaska. He wants Maggie to go with him, but she says no, she HAS her Place – and she/Love lets him go.

Writing this, there have been tears and joy and shivering and rushes of energy. It’s all here, now. One dragon this night told me with strong power: “Of course there is an I. I am the sum total of all your experiences/insights/choices/talents/faults.” Only when I got up from the horizontal position did i see that this is just a thought, believed in – and still cherished. The inner pressure at night has such force that I hardly sleep. I open to it, the Ilona-way, look and look again – and it abates, just to return full force the next night, where the procedures are repeated. It feels like a Sisyphus work – which does not work, as we know – -there really isn’t anything to do – just being with it, zonking out and coming back – maybe “the one I love” is the “me” – maybe I just will allow the I-thought to release –

much love , Leelah