attack or join

This is a delightful story from Ralph and Liza Lazar, with their permission.

False thoughts released

It is not about getting rid of  “negative” thoughts: it is about me simply noticing that I have them. Kind little nudge: “Oh, there I go again.” How wonderful to remember that it is not me who has to know how to “get rid of” them: that’s the Holy Spirit’s job. Noticing also that I have visited this place so often – and now showing the thought to Holy Spirit: “See – they still come,”

H.S asks me what may lie below that doubt – and I know it well: it is my doubt in God’s help. Or rather, my own ability to allow His help. Yes. I own that doubt, and see clearly that no Love can come through to me as long as  I insist of being a somebody with this thought: “this is so typically for me.”

“There I go again,” I say, and mean it when I say that I am willing to have His correction instead.

“Every thought that is believed in, becomes real for you. One thought of the ego-thought system believed in, opens the door to its world – the world of separation. I cannot come in there, because it is a world made on the denial of our union. And there you will experience the consequences of your choice.

But, my Love, all that is needed is to recognize you don’t want it any longer. The “here I go again” is a door –opener to our connection, and your willingness to let go.”

I am vigilant for each and every thought. A sudden bright light appears and goes. I sensed the terror when it appeared:  a part of me is terrified.

Dream after this – so rich with Course-metaphors:

I am with theater-friends in the huge house of one of them – a really wealthy friend. We are treated with food that is outstanding, creative and new to me. We are sitting in huge soft embracing chairs, chatting, laughing. So cozy!

Next scene, the others have left, and I am left with a PC which shows images that are strange and hypnotizing. I am in a trance, the whole room has taken over the images and becomes the movie – and suddenly the projector shows its true source:  it spews out ectoplasm and other weird stuff, and I instantly turn it off and follow the others.

They are going to a puppet-theater-performance. I follow them, it is very dark, but I follow inner guidance and find my way in the dark landscape. I walk up a steep hill in pitch dark, open a door – and there we all are, right in front of the stage!

The puppeteers are on the stage together with the puppets J (Thank you for this dream!) I feel sad that I am not any longer the one who designs the puppet and costume the actors…the old set and costume-designer- me is missing her beloved work.

It dissipates quickly. I wake up, feeling I do everything wrong…this dream is all wrong ( oh was I mistaken in this) and I offer this thought up to H.S, recognizing how impossible it is to believe in this thought AND God. I am as God created me, and I choose Love.

It feels like a loving hand draws out of my body the heavy murky thought stuff, before believed in. I yawn and yawn. Each time a new false thought comes, I feel the same resistance: “It will not work” – I see how afraid I am of being “tricked” by God. In spite of that fear, I let go of the false thoughts.

Blue says: “See, you just make a false connection: Your experience is that first there is Love – and then it seems to be fear and doubt and confusion: you told yourself that God did that, because you had sinned – but the shift from love to fear seemed to happen just because you choose to believe in the false thought. Reminder: It is not serious – just an error – and you have now repeatedly been vigilant for false thoughts and given them up –  and you HAVE experienced Me taking them.”

This has been such a humongous temptation for me: to believe in the thought “it is hopeless, I am powerless to change this.”

It just has been proved to me that I am blissfully wrong.

Awakened heart

Doing silly things for their own reasons

Here is the link to Ladonia – I am now a part of the Cabinet, and promise that the art of silliness/non-seriousness will be taken to  top level.

Welcome to browse the site and the photos

becoming angry or being creative?

Ten days since last post. Big birthday in between: the 22. I was 67 years old, and was celebrated by my daughter with beau. I took photos with feathers in my hair ( in a very flattering light) for my new Ministry: I am now appointed Minister for doing silly things for their own reason, in the state of Ladonia. More about that in later post!

Now to today’s Skyping with Kit. I got her consent to write the story she told me:

Her little son at 4 loves Kiwis – but they absolute have to be cut in the most usual way – right across. Kit cut it in a way that made it oblong – and Mike protested vehemently. Kit thought: “Should I get angry or should I be creative?” She chose to be creative – and started to tell a story of a mother who cut kiwis in the wrong way and the little Moomric who got so angry. She said, “He listened intensely” – and that as they both listened to the story, the difficult feelings were resolved. He could recognize his own feelings, and realize that his mother acknowledged them.

There were no judgments of feelings or behavior at all – and they both felt better. As she told the story, it was easy to understand why the joy of eating kiwi consisted of many things – one of them the pattern in the Kiwi when parted in that direction.

That is such a great example of how we, as persons, identify our world: me and mine, right and wrong, happy or unhappy. And how such a story can be met with creativity – read: Love – instead of attaching bad manners and judgment to a child’s anger.

It also occurred to me that the choice between anger or creativity is the same as the choice between fear and Love – and for me, as an artist, it is much less of an (sometimes) impossible demand than changing from fear to love.

Nobody…no body

Sunday morning. Quiet. Sun pouring in through the yellow curtains. I am about to get out of bed, when the cramps come: it is impossible to use the left leg. The only soothing thing to do that works is to hold the leg and foot and speak lovingly to it.

Soon it is evident that I am talking to the small-tortured-identity: it is she who is cramping up – or rather her thoughts and beliefs, which I identify with. Gradually I see that to identify with her is the same as looking for enemies/dangers/threats/difficulties. I have to do that to maintain that identity: it’s how she proves that she is alive and real. I see that she holds on to this – because she has linked hope for love to this ongoing nightmare.

Digging deeper now:

Searching: what is left  – if this girl-identity/belief system should go?

The violent coughing spasms in the chest show me that something in me is deadly terrified of being “nobody.” “A tortured girl always under threat” is preferable to being a “nobody.”

Terror: “I must be somebody – and if this identity is removed, I am no one – and have no body -and that means that I am just psyche completely without will – and that means that I will be sucked up by evil forces in the universe.”

Blue is saying:

A universe with evil forces, waiting to suck up innocent children, belongs to the ego thought system. It IS a dream – and believing in this dream makes it seem frightfully real. Being a “nobody” here is equated with being powerless.

You are not an “ego nobody”. You are still as God created you: the Holy Son of God – sharing God’s power and the Will of God.

The painful cramped body is just a thought in your mind. The thought is not true: God, Who is Love, do not create anything that is not perfect Love. If He did, He would be cruel – and He would not be God.

The coughing stops the second I chose to listen to Blue. The cramps seem to be seeping out of my limbs.

I am grateful to have identified the link between “having to be this old victim” in order to have hope of being loved. It is all so logical and psychologically true.

Slowly taking in that it is safe to let go of the identity as her

Opening the Course to today’s lesson:

The past is over. It can touch me not.

W-pII.289.2. Father, let me not look upon a past that is not there. 2 For You have offered me Your Own replacement, in a present world the past has left untouched and free of sin. 3 Here is the end of guilt. 4 And here am I made ready for Your final step. 5 Shall I demand that You wait longer for Your Son to find the loveliness You planned to be the end of all his dreams and all his pain?

 

 

 

 

 

 

a doctor miracle

I got the idea some days ago to visit my doctor, whom I love a lot. I thought I came to have an examination of my stiff and painful neck-area, but no, the real reason was an examination of the beliefs and emotions causing the stiffness.

There we were – and with crystal clear questions he helped me see the following:

He asked if there was a conflict going right now in my life – I mentioned the neighbors wanting to do extensive and costly repairs on our row of 4 houses, and me saying “no” to participate– and therefore feeling fear, dread and inner pressure. I have given the problem over to H.S – and at the doctor’s, I instantly realize that he is the answer to this surrender.

His questions helped me see that I perceive a threat “from outside” ( a projection of a fear in my mind) and that it subconsciously makes me stiff from fear.

Symbolic: I think that if I do not buy these reparations, the house will fall down.

If I Do buy them, I will exhaust my savings /”security” in the bank – and this equals feeling trapped. It also equals the feeling of being attacked from several directions – it is a war – and the neck mobilizes.

He gave his big grin  – (he grins with all of his being) – and told me that cancer does not come and go, as this stiffness does. (Ohboy.)

I told him I had started to do singing-lessons, and that the body had responded by taking my breath away and given me cramps and wild coughing and deadly fear.

He answered: “you answered the problem with your muscles.”

No wonder the response was strong: by bodymind saw itself as under deadly attack.

He told me to have an engineer or a building-expert to look at the roof and give a neutral opinion: in this way, I would know for sure if it was OK to refrain from this reparation now. It would give me a base to decide from.

Both of us were really happy by this session. He love this kind of work, he says (earlier work as psychiatrist)  and find it fun to work with someone who is so openly happy about his suggestions.

I find it much easier to present the whole thing to Blue now: I have clear overview over the beliefs, the fears, the imaginations.

I LOVE this guy – and he is clearly taking hints from Blue!

people-pleasing – and the five levels

the eternal smile

Skyping with Kit:

I told her a dream this night that showed me I have something encapsulated in my energy-field. I also saw what it was: a frenzied attack-energy. As a small child, it was a wise thing to encapsulate this insanity, to maintain a so-called sane mind and survive with the illusion that I was safe in my environment.

I see how much of “me-energy” there is in this field of complete denial and repression.

It was easy to forgive my decision to split off psychologically and energetically.

I took this capsule in my arms and carried it over the light-bridge to the  sacred altar, and put it there.

The energy in my lower body was ice-cold and very painful. As I was doing this, I was watching an image on my screen-saver:the image  came to me today, from Panhala, as an illustration to Mary Oliver’s poem “Have you ever wanted to enter the long black branches?”

While I was describing to Kit the feelings and sensations, I heard Blue’s voice:

“And as you are looking at the grey sky, you also behold the pink cloud ” – it all depends on where you place your attention”

I saw that cloud was really a mouth – and that it is smiling

The thing is now to remind myself that the grey sky is there, but so is the smiling loving mouth – and this is where I choose to look

Remembering H.S saying: “You are not responsible for the error – you are only responsible for the correction of the error.”

Stalker revisited

This is my root belief, revisited now in the night: the belief in a stalker – and that there are stalkers in reality – I happily bring that to Love. I do the visualization I started yesterday – I take the false-mind-thought in my arms and walk the golden bridge to the land of Light and reality.

I just couldn’t do it.

I see that the fear has its origin in the first fear – that God is out to get me, because I sinned – so I have to be on the lookout all the time, so he does not find me. This is a ludicrous thought – that it would be possible to hide from God – but there it is, taken seriously.

I see the strange thing that I somehow find value in keeping this fear.

“Why would I want to keep it, Blue?”

“Because it is your fear.”

I lie in an ocean of sweet silence, smiling at the insanity in this – my need to keep the me going here, the insanity at believing that fear makes me me.

Sweet Jesus, I want to be wrong about this.

This sly fear. It has built into its system that I have to hold on to it:  if I do not watch out for stalkers, they will take me by surprise. Only if I am fully set up for alarm am I safe. It is mine now, and I cherish it as my protection against insanity and hell. I am doomed without it.

The release and joy I experience now is exquisite: these thoughts are no longer believed in, they belong to ego.

The insanity and hell the ego fears is Love.

From within this peace, the view is clear: this is nothing else than a little error. I see the sea of Love that this little error swims in, and the Son of God remembers to laugh.

I am noticing this old pain in the neck – and the neck is only a thought too. It is all an innocent error – and see what happens the second I take it seriously: the world arises.

I feel myself ascending through depths of murky waters, before seen as beloved landscapes, because it was “mine.”

Giving up this fear is not fearful at all: it is giving up nothing.

Dear Blue – Love that I am. I still seem to be a body in a world. The ache in my butt proves it, right?

Ah, but the belief that it is reality is slipping.

Maybe I simply don’t find it as interesting any longer.