About eating problems and sexual abuse

This is about some foods and sexual abuse.

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I love ecological yogurt with granola from quinoa – but until now, I have felt tremendously tired after eating it. I see it like this: some part of my self is terrified – for whatever reason – and use a lot of energy to repress what she feels while eating it. I asked what it could be? Answer: Semen.

Of course! This very small inner girl has told herself 1) that yogurt has a kind of texture like semen has -and having been a receiver of intense sexual abuse as very small, semen meant being part of a torture that also made it very hard to breathe – meaning life-threatening trauma. 2) And then she did what we all did when traumatized in any way at all: we told stories about ourselves, what it meant about us – how despicable we must be, how absolutely wrong in any ways and form.

So for this inner girl, yogurt has meant “semen” and all the horror connected to that – and she has believed in the stories she made up about her despicable self – and she has repressed it as hard as she can while I eat.

Now – the later years, all kind of digital signals have come to my aid to assist me in awakening. Today, it was the fire-alarm in the kitchen that started up and made me think, “What is this inner alarm mirroring, that goes on full alert now, as I am preparing my breakfast?”

So I asked and immediately heard “semen.”

I talked to her with all my love and motherliness – how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and told her very clearly that yogurt is OK and healthy – and that she will never taste semen again.

Never.

After quite a while I could sense a deep relaxation in my intestines. I asked her if she was up for a try? And that I would stop eat it the second she wanted.

Then I ate a healthy bowl with the yummy stuff.

And for the first time, I felt no tiredness after my yogurt meal. I felt an ice cold instead – and  I see that as frozen life-energy. I sat with it for about 45 minutes, and now it slowly seeps out.

This old imprint – “inner child” may also be the one who craves sweets and sugar. NO WONDER 🙂  she needs a lot of loving motherly talk and listening – with no judgment ever. And since she now receives that motherly sweetness – she just MAY let go of any cravings – we will see 🙂

PS. If this has meaning for you in a helpful way – you may benefit from looking into my books in the right menu.

Blessing the opposite

As many of us, I have hidden influences from this incarnation or before that – many of them inherited from ancestors, as newer science will tell you. Some of you will recognize a tendency to sabotage yourself: – this pattern may be such a gestalt/entity, and it may be a way you have told yourself you are not worthy unless you do x and x,a way you try to fix yourself and perform as a way to earn value.

Which is of course futile – our value is intrinsic.

When such a part of our Self has had time to develop throughout several incarnations – and we always have succeeded in repressing it – it has become very powerful and strong and will exert a strong influence on us – often being mirrored back to us from the outside: in my case, editors delivering LOTS of errors and complaining that it never has happened before. Or stuff getting lost in the mail –  or the PC constantly telling you ” this does not work” ( and then it works)

So I have a possible solution for this, my friends and readers: blessings.

Blessings have that immediate effect that it melts and softens any contracted energy inside or from others. If a person annoys you, burst into blessing – and bless him/her in the opposite of what they are expressing. If they are grumpy, bless them in their kindness, their patience, their compassion. If they are fearful, bless them in their groundedness, their connection to their Self/any spiritual being that comes to mind – bless them in their memory of being a child of Love/God – bless them in their ability to receive deep motherly/fatherly love, comfort, security etc.

You will feel very good after this – since when we bless, we receive the same as we gives.

Don’t tell people you bless them 🙂 just go at it and you will see a difference.

 

 

True Value

Readers who has been around for some time will know that I live after the  word of wisdom by Hermes Trismegistus: As above, so below – as outside so inside – i.e.what goes on on the outside ( called “life” :)) mirrors something on my inside.

So I lost my Visa card. Instant terror! What did I automatically tell myself: I am alone. I will be tricked and abused and tricked some more. I must have done something wrong. Oi vey is mir!

Seeing that these are all old beliefs in victimhood, I place myself with a red shawl in a cosy sofa and investigated what went on on automatic. And what was this fear REALLY about – what might a Visa card symbolize?

For me, treasure – money – well, VALUE is a better word.

And I realized it symbolized  the mind’s old fear of losing God’s love – the fear at the moment of separation, that A Course in Miracle names ” the Tiny Mad Idea.”

So I sat there and God was giggling inside me at that truly mas idea that S/He could be lost – as S/He is my innermost essence that I share with EVERYONE.

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I have written a Novel – you see it in the right menu: Hilaryon Stories. That book started as a hint from Holy Spirit – to write a novel where the feud between Pharaoh and Moses would be in-woven – albeit not as those two as characters. So I did – through 6 years I followed my Muse who sent me inspiration for 32 chapters that came randomly, not in succession. I had to trust completely that it would all come together harmoniously in the end, and it did.

You are very welcome to click on the book and read more – the first reader ( not family 🙂 told me that her energy changed while reading it – from depression to joy.

Taking Nourishment

Dream:

I participate in a HUGE  Writer Convention with HUGE  amounts of food and flowers a people from all over the world. This is clearly a celebration of sorts, and I have brought my most beautiful clothes – light, blue,veil-ish, Goddesslike.

It’s lunchtime at the end of our convention, I am walking around for some reason, not sitting down to enjoy the marvellous food. Maybe I do some packing on my room – and when I return to the dining room, all food has gone – I have not been nourished – everyone else are full and happy.

I make a big ruckus to the butler, and he says it is too late – and I explode in the unfairness of it –I have PAID FOR THIS-  he can’t get me just a little food from all the rest that has been sent back to the kitchen? No, that would be a misuse of the waiters, he said – I’d had to push them – and I say, with loud voice: then push them! He looks at me abhorred, how self-centred and abominable I am – and recognize inside: he is me.

I walk to my room, and there is a friend writer I really like – she admires a white feather hanging on a mirror and tells me how much she admires my husband’s work ( he and I have obviously stayed here before, and his feather is still here.)  Now the correction gnome says that feather should be FATHER.

 

I am taken under the arms  by Anna, my guide, and sat up in the bed.” Now look at these old pattern: I am being unjustly treated – I am not able to be nourished – there must be something wrong with ME –  the father/husband will always take all the glory – this will never change, IT IS HOPELESS and I give up.”

I forgive myself for choosing to create this, to experience this. How easy it has been to be entrenched in this through thousands of years – and now it has come up to be released.

I hold the separated me in my arms and love her and breathe with her. For the first time I do this, there is a CLEAR shift in energy between us: I am “the Fairy Godmother ” and she is the human child, left out, deeply undernourished, nobody truly SEES here gifts and her tremendous beauty, and so she tells herself she is wrong – and unworthy.

 

As the Holder and Embracer, I sense the human agony-deep grief in not been seen in one’s Self, of being constantly compared and pushed. I have also been the pusher and non-seer, and also the Judge of the ones who push others – it’s all food on the egos convention-table.

It is sweet beyond words to cry it and feel it all through – this longing to be seen as Self.

I shift between being the Self – so VERY different from the human child in energy and frequency – and the child who at last is being heard and held.

I forgive my creation

I have learned so much

Now I desire to be Who I am

I am currently reading “Anna, Grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong for the second time, and  am being drawn deeply into all the descriptions from that time – and all of Anna’s initiations and experiences from 600 continued years life as that Self– both spiritually and as a human Essee. She is my guide now, and very close.

Deep insight-  This comes NOW, because I am on a ten-day cleanse in eating habits – and it has taken me way out of my comfort zone, and deep into purification of toxicity. I truly see how enormously much our eating habits and ways of “comforting ourselves”  contribute to our attachment to the small self. Only when I at least took the choice to let go of bread and  all the conventional and artificial sweeteners, did this energetic shift happen. And first now could I truly love the little one who needs so much to be loved, just as she is – the dis-identification was over, and the Wise Grandmother Me came forth fully. There was just tremendous eternal PEACE.

To all bread lovers: I realize it’s nothing wrong with eating bread – or anything – as long as it is done with love and not as a substitute for love.