TRUST

About a week ago, a neighbor living across my house told me that our newly rehabilitated roof had a lot of water on it. A LOT. The new drains were obviously clogged. Another neighbor climbed up and had to dismantle the drain-filter, and removed what looked like a bunch of leaves  – and I went bananas. I went right into the old pattern of disaster, and will spare you all the scenarios that I made that “proved” to me that the situation was lethal.

I mailed the leader of the building firm with a complaint. No answer. I called, he told me he would look into it. Another neighbor delivered a complaint too.

Next day another yet another neighbor told me that he had seen the photo of the clog – and it was in fact not leaves, but “noses” from Maplewood.

When I was a child, we used to attach these seed to our noses.

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This was a symbol; somebody was thumbing their nose at me. Hm. That sounded like Blue – or Life. Or “my” process. That meant that this possible yearly clogging was season-conditioned, just a week or so.

The firm leader mailed us back and told us we had no case.

“TRUST”I heard,  but I was back in convincing disaster mode – lost in spinning scenarios about how to “stand up to him, find a lawyer to have my “right” and all that fuss. I knew I was caught, but could not seem to free myself.

Another neighbor mailed him “ how irresponsible!”

I sensed I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to win any longer.  I didn’t want to act out of that separated state of mind.And I prayed for help to see the situation  – and his behaviour -differently…

Then I saw this photo by Ruby Julian on Facebook:

I was instantly transported into bliss. This is a Tortoise, perched on a rock, stretching its head toward the sky – and for me, the atmosphere in the image is one of melting in to Oneness. Gravity seems to be suspended –  the animal balances between heaven and earth, and its reflection is crystal clear in the clear water.

In the shower ( where so many wonder-shifts happen) I KNEW: I do not want to see the leader like  an antagonist. I knew he answered as he had because of something that had happened to him that made him stressed – and that this was not his true self.

I remembered how kind and patient he had been all the times I called him – and how he always had fixed things I did not like, fixed it so it was even better that before. I knew  by his voice and manner that he loved his work – and this love and respect was reflected in his workers, who were like him – courteous, kind, excellent workers enjoying themselves.

So I wrote him a mail, describing how I had experienced him – knowing that what he wanted, was that all of us were pleased and content with the result. Himself included.

And sending it, I KNEW that all is well, whatever seem to happen.

No disaster mode.

I had a  Skype sharing with Kit right after this, and found the terrified inner child who thought it was safe to be scared – it was a protection against being shocked, by being prepared of the worst. Kit listened while I talked to the child -“ I love you so much, I so understand why you think it is safe to expect the worst. You don’t need to be afraid any more – but it’s OK, if you choose it.”

Big release: how wonderful it was to hear that being scared was a choice – and that there was no judgment about it.

Our Skype session ended. In the last seconds, Kit exclaims, “Right now outside my window is a waterfall of noses – they spin to the ground! And there is a man with a high-pressure hose!”

TRUST

I can TRUST the process

I CAN TRUST the process. There may be dreadful energies/feelings in-between – but I will always find back to the state of utter surrender that the Tortoise expresses.

And the automatic judgment of those scared feelings and that disaster-prone child has gone

 

 

 

 

 

White Bear

White Bear My love is a white white bear during the day and a prince clad in black black grief at night He tells me I must not must not must not see him My love I yearn to see you and I must not- or the grueling grief will have you forever inside that dark dark castle of the Wicked Witch Three daughters I have given you – three three three! You took them all and I allowed it – to have this: To ride you in the green sunspots in the deep forest, your silky white fur between my thighs Your rumbling deep voice reverberating through my womb and Then the moment comes when I cannot bear it and I look at you while you sleep A drop of hot oil from my lamp lands on your cheek and all is lost Into the mountain I must go Take the witch  you now belong to and make her mine Purge her through me The troll-splint in my eyes… Her wicked way of watching How convincing now MINE – I stand beside you now as black bride, stupefied and drenched in grief I am her and open my black bitchiness and allow those rumbling agonies to rise up into my heart where I remember – I remember – our love I lose my shining red batwings, and the little skeleton in my belt falls clang on the stone floor My pointy hat becomes a bat who turns in to a “What? Really! Enough of THAT!” My witch dissolves in dust and you start to giggle – a fountain of Light springs up from your spellbound heart The black claws around it fall to the floor, and there! Are our three daughters dressed in white silk bridesmaids dresses with hems of white fur You turn to me and smile your true prince smile and as we embrace I sense the deep thunder rumbling through me

Choosing the right mind

Yesterday my friend Myron Jones described a situation with a client which she habitually interpreted from the ego= BAD. She felt bad too, and remembered that she could cancel her  perception and forgive herself – and then choose to realign with Holy Spirit / the Right Mind instead.

All grievances fell away

This stood out in lightning gold for me.

 

This night, I had a dream where I was with my first love this life. Almost 50 years ago – and still, when i dream we are together, my heart is filled with pure bliss.

We are going to be married, and he takes me to his white big house – kind of a farm, or maybe a guest-house. Outside of it is a winter landscape I dream of often:  a ski-slope in the high mountains. And now the ego took over in the dream, and I saw the rooms as untidy, I saw refugees in some rooms, they were dirty and anxious and aggressive. I felt so bad at the thought of having to clean all of it up and make rules for everybody there to live in harmony.

Then I woke up, and realized that I expected to know how to do this through the anxiousness of the ego.Awake now, I stated my intention to align with Christ instead – “what is my role in this house?”

The release was so sweet. I, as “Leelah-personality” was to do nothing else that sink into my heart and allow it be shown to me. It became clear that as long as I was aligned, and “the others” would sense it, all would fall into the most beautiful perfect pattern.

This day I decided to recognize when I had choosing ego – just  by the crappy feelings I had – and it is amazing how helpful it has been – quick shifts from desperation to giggles.

So I felt really optimistic about this, and then I started to cough the painful cough again. I sensed all of that energy in the chest – and then the solar Cplexus – with a new willingness to truly allow it to dissolve. I sat down and breathed, and said ” I know I am the source of this. I TRULY want to dissolve this, no judgement, no resistance – I KNOW that Love has created it to be able to transform it.”

I instantly saw and felt the energy  of some ago-old impressions from sexual predators – including my father in his mr. Hyde-mode – and knew that THIS was what was behind the cough. I remembered the moment this energy first entered my body in this life – and my decision to stuff it away and make it invisible for myself. From that decision has later arisen a huge need to “save” the abusers. I have written about that in “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – and how this “savior-co-dependent-pattern” can be healed.

So I rested there, and there were cramps and strong dizziness,  strong sweating, almost fainting – and no resistance to it. I felt certain that I was resting in God. Strong pains flowed from solar plexus down the right side of my body and out.  I am being told that I will need to allow patience around it, and repeat it when nudged to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

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Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

• *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Commitment

Sarita mentioned in the Way of Mastery-webcast Jeshua’s reminder of commitment to intention. That sank in. In the night, the inner Voice said “ drink water, go pee.” No way – I did not want to leave my warm bed and get all awake and sleepless. “Commitment.” Oh that. No. I want to be here for that inner suffering child, take care of her, keep her warm. Etc etc etc.

It seemed like hours went by before I decided to honor my commitment and not talk it away. I sat up, drank water, went to pee – and then the huge release started in the body. Giant yawns for a long time. Realizing the huge conditioning we all are subjected to when growing up – this is the “ME” we are taught to believe that we truly are. No wonder we defend it.

Went back to bed – and realized that my commitment has been to the ego, to keep the idea of the suffering me alive. And realizing that God never created sufferers – I did. God never created a false believer – I did.

I lay there, feeling like a drowning one floating up from deep murky waters in timeless eternity.

Then the “bad” feelings and sensations started. I remembered that I am in a “No complaining-week” – “this comes for your highest good, here are the jewels, sweetheart.” THANK YOU. Ideas flowed in, and insights:  I saw a shadow that looked demonic, and knew that it was just a costume – and that I was the costume designer. As my main official job has been in this life – I have worked in the Theater as Set and Costume and puppet-designer

Oh the humor of it!

So – I made these dark and hateful designs. They are MY creations.

The energy is now tremendously heavy and depressive/gloomy. And I know I can say THANK YOU, since I am in a transformational process where I  as Mind truly take responsibility for my creation.

Now I see a figure in a distance, slowly approaching me. It is my creation, made from the intense wish to separate and flee from guilt. A memory comes to me, from something I once read – about a man who met a wild boar in the wood, and immediately said inside: “ You are Spirit, made by God. I am Spirit, made by God. I declare that there never has been anything else between us than perfect Love.” And the boar stopped and retreated.

I also remembered words from A Course in Miracles that came to me on a journey where I met a particular nasty couple with small children on a train – they sat on the seats across  me, and the toddler kicked my legs. Hard. When I wondered if it was possible  for the mother to take him on her lap, she just looked at me as if I had insulted her gravely.

Then I heard this, from the Course: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I became calm. And in no more than one minute, all changed. The father smiled at me and took the kicking kid on his lap. I got up and stood in the isle, looking out at the stunning nature. The mother did it too, we stood a bit a part. But she turned to me and smiled – such a happy smile. All the heaviness had slipped off her.

Maybe some of you read my post a couple of days ago, where I shared from Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing” –  about the gang in Rwanda that were out to kill a family, and how the father SAW their innocence and confirmed it inside throughout the time the killers were at his house – and how this transformed them.

In the night, I saw that THIS has been my soul’s desire – to have a life with lots of possibilities to see through the dark costume to the Christ inside.

This process started when I was a baby – and the professional part started about 28 years ago in an agonized demonized night where I asked God for help, and then pretended He answered me. I taped the conversations on my little dream-recorder. Later, when I played it back, I realized that the answers truly came from Source.

This was the start of the long process of writing my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” Here is a site where you may read more about it: with the help of Jeshua – and now –  it is so nice to see all the help I have received, in order to truly be able to ACCEPT what Pradervand’s friend KNEW: ““The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

Looking at the figure symbolizing my creation, approaching me from far off, I know that this is not a snap transformation. But this time I trust fully that healing HAS happened – and that the appearances may continue in the world, but I will not take it so seriously any more: what people DO is not who they ARE.

I will add that I am a very good costume and set-designer 🙂 The State awarded me with a three-year scholarship, and I represented my country on an quadrennial international exhibition in stage and costume design. I can now smile a gigantic smile and recognize that this was the Universe’s symbols for me: my official job was in the theater,but as The Son of God I have costumed each and every “person” I meet to play the role I have chosen for them to play, so I can be helped to see the pattern and unravel it together with my faithful friends –  my family, friends, and all my patients in therapy. The symbolism of it says that I in fact costumed the world. LOL

And so do we all – says the Course

Now the masks are off, the players are wiping off the makeup, the costumes are giving to the dressers to clean to next performance – and the players are eating and drinking and just playing “themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BLESSINGS

Yesterday I prayed to find the blocks between me and finding my desires.  They were many and mean and I asked for help, and was lead to this note in my latest wise-quotes-book

“I cannot heal what I first haven’t embraced and forgiven. This is not the same as condoning it – it is saying YES to being with the energy of it. I have to KNOW it as such – as energy –without judging it as energy – in order to be able to bless it and embrace it and THEN let it go.”

With help of Jesus, through the deep guilt that permeated me, I was led to see – I was shown –that everything I did in the past, I had been doing it to mySelf. Now this was known and not only accepted as an axiom.

In  the night, after praying intensely for help to see a horrible memory differently, I was shown that  the kittens, trees, children and scary adults of my scary memory were made of the exact same substance – LOVE.

This time I witnessed it, clear as LIGHT.

And for the first time I could truly get what Jesus says in the Course and Way of Mastery: ” You are doing it to your Self.”

I looked around and found LOVE appearing as table, PC, hands, person in red morning coat, body, red lamp, water bottle, window, blue sky, clouds.

Magnificent illusion.

Now Jesus is nudging me to mention Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing.” In it, he mentions a story a friend of him told him from the civil war in Rwanda. Pierre has allowed me to share this wherever I want. You are free to do so too, as long as you give full credits to Pradervand and his book.

His friend was an African spiritual healer. “One night, around two in the morning,…an armed band entered my home.—They were armed with guns and bayonets, I was armed with Truth And Love. As they pointed their weapons to menace me, a thought came to me in a flash, immediately dispelling the fear, which was attempting to invade my thought. Love and Life are indestructible and permanent. I am the idea of Life, God, indestructible in Life, permanent in my being! There is only Life, God, which remains undivided, not two or more lives, This infinite Life is the life of these so-called killers, my life and that of my family.

–.”When at one moment one of his daughters started crying, the head of the band gave the order to kill her. Without even pronouncing a word out loud, the healer immediately affirmed that the man who had received the order to kill was the perfect child of divine Love. “The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.” Immediately, the man who had already raised his bayonet to pierce the girl interrupted his gesture.”

I leave out bits of the story here – this book is a HUGE gift and you might just want to read it.

––“After working spiritually for about thirty minutes, these men became very calm, as is feeling the love we reflected. The chief called them and they left the room. This gave me time to affirm still more forcefully absolute truths about the perfect man of God’s creation.

Once back in the room, these men were transformed. They had become new persons. Even their language had completely changed. They were disarmed and friendly, and started to confess the crimes they had committed. They stayed at our home for two hours. No one was hurt, everybody was safe and sound.”

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“The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

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Crying out for Love

Yesterday a woman in my Way of the Heart-group shared that she used this sentence, suggested by Matt Kahn, when she was stuck:

“Thank you for helping me. Whenever you find the mind bracing against, irritated or troubled by a thought, person, circumstance, you remember to say ‘Thank you for helping me”

Because, indeed, it is all helping you. It’s the phenomenal display of what you haven’t found peace with yet.Thank you for helping me.Notice how in one holy instant, the resistance of mind drops away and the heart moves to connect and join with the grievance, a movement of gratitude, of appreciation, of true seeing. The whole experience softens and you no longer feel separate and in defiance of what is appearing. It’s a movement of consciousness, of heart – towards – rather than away from.”

It went marvelous for along while, and then in the night it just stopped. I asked for help. This “part of me” said, “MUCH better to end this life now. This will just get worse and worse. You know there is a voice in you that is stronger than Love and God.It will win.Just give it up!”

It listened to this for quite a while.

Then there was this clear, calm and truthful simple Voice who said: And exactly this is crying out to be loved by you.

There was an instant release – and it was instantly possible to say thank you to that doomsayer- voice: It showed me what I still haven’t included in Love, where love is still conditional.

The relief I felt was great: now I saw that this voice was NOT stronger than Love – and that I was NOT a victim of it. The love for it poured forth as a started to talk to it – “of COURSE you felt you needed to be right, no WONDER you have been fighting. You truly believe that your “reality” is real. You truly believe those stories that you are worthless and can not have love, ever. You truly are afraid of love, that it will betray you and trick you, much better to adapt to hell.”

The crazy body sensations tapered off as “it” knew it was not judged – and still, there was a fear of surrendering to Love and then hear a horrible laughter, “and you believed in that, moron? how stupid can you be!”

I can still sense the imprint after that shock in the mind.

“Of COURSE you don’t believe in Love then” I said, and it relaxed again.

And now the next stage:  I entered that resistance, and immediately hard the calm true Voice again: Remember – this is not being done TO you, but THROUGH you. The decision to explore this comes from Spirit – and the holy power given you by God is then twisted, hidden, denied and punished and made into this fearful identity, who truly believes in the thought of separation – that you and I are not One. – There is a thought – “It is unsafe to be Loved.” and you and only you charges  that thought  by choosing to believe in it. And by your consent this separate fear-driven “me” is being born – and is living out its hells, all deriving from that belief that it is unsafe to be Loved.

I SEE THIS NOW

 

No wonder this “me” feels safer in a place where suffering is predictable: at least it will not be tricked and shocked

I have made this. What a perfect strategy for keeping the ego going

This is a turnaround. There is no doubt any longer now that I DO choose – as Jeshua prompts us in Way of Mastery – to open to incarnate the Christ Consciousness through the body – to practicing desiring that. And of course that brings up everything I before have held as “me” and “valuable” to upheld that me.

When i read that yesterday, about being open to incarnate the Christ consciousness, I felt a great resistance. And so I met the resistance in the night and listened to it and felt love for it – and now I am willing.

As soon as I state my willingness to embody the Christ, I sense the resistance in solar plexus.  “Thank you for helping me see the place that still needs to be allow and included in Love.”

It is still there, as imprints – but no longer as sign of danger, signs of my “doing it all wrong.” Now its just energy that wants to be included. And the wonder is always that when i am truly willing, the unpleasantness transforms into bliss

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I read the above into my little recorder and fell asleep. I dreamed that little girl about 4 years old came to me where I live now, and told me she just met a bunch of very drunk men in a wood. “One of them talked to me” she said, and I heard myself saying, “And he has SO  much respect for you!” “YES!” she says, knowing this is true – and so very pleased with this

Writing this now, I remember the group-rape in a wood when I was four

And I happily look at the dream and notice the different perception ♥