Poemcrazy

What is happening for me now –

Sometimes – maybe twice a week or more – I meet somebody’s eyes and we both are completely present and awake. “Foreigners”, that is. And they all feel like the oldest bestest friends. We never stop, I’ve noticed – just a 2-3-second eye-soul contact, deep peacefulness and joy, and then the habit takes our feet away.

But the imprint of love and joining is as strong NOW as it was when it happened – just fully remembering Who we are.

In the night, the dreams are chaotic and very very unpleasant and tiring. But when i get up and abide as Christ, I ask what belief lies under all of that. Then i realize that earlier,this belief was helping me stay “protected” from saying something and causing dangerous situations – so I thank that pattern, own it. and see that it is not valuable any longer.

Today I sat like this in the five-minutes abiding as Christ  – which turned into 3/4 hour – and at some point, a river of toxicity left my brain through my temples or ears in two streams.

Afterwards I felt I had lost about 20 pounds

*
Today I got a new book by Susan Wooldridge:  Poemcrazy. When I was sitting with it, the doorbell started co-cooing like crazy – 6 times, and then a seventh while I was looking at it through the window. THIS IS FOR YOU. DO IT!

Oh yes I will – funny thing is. I have done so many of this word-games she describes in earlier workshops. And now, I am back -and I will find somebody to play with 🙂

Recent poem:

Choices

Left road:

Rain on Monday evenings between 19-21
Military marches for small men with big dogs on Wednesdays
Digging holes for manure Fridays
Flag rising on Sundays, only on municipal buildings
No singing on Thursdays
Whistling: never
Red clothes only Saturday evening after 7pm
Weeping and gnashing of teeth 10 minutes after 5pm each day

Right road:

Moonlight serenades by small insects with lighted bottoms
Checkered dresses and flowered suits whenever
Pink bubbly and chocolate mousse whenever
Nothing matters
Ever
Nothing changes
Ever

Turn around.
Wait for the little red and yellow copter
*

Structure

I had a very instructive dream last  night.

I was visiting my old school – The Art and Crafts Academy – and visited it for the umpteenth time in a dream. All the classrooms looked chaotic, dirty, like all the teachers had disappeared, people were only  fooling around like irresponsible children – meaning that nobody had cleaned those floors for a LONG time, nobody had emptied the wastebaskets, cleaned the brushes… pieces of half-eaten old sandwiches were strewn out

I walked around in it all and told the students to pull themselves together – otherwise there would be rats!

Writing that last sentence, the door-bell co-cooed *- meaning: sit down and breathe, allow Love to come into “this.”

Big release – deep yawns

Remembering: At the ground floor in the dream-building, MY class was. I went there, and it was not rat-attractive – just chaotic in a nice spontaneous way.

When I awoke, I posed a wonder-question –  I wonder what this is about?

“You need to structure your time for creativity” it said. “You simply can’t doodle around waiting for inspiration – structure your day more clearly.”

It felt like a  space for a new life opened up. And quite some self-respect.

Still yawning

*

The door-bell co-cooing is what it does when there is nobody outside the door – just some wonderful soulful electronic waves inviting me to stop what I am doing and just allow myself to pay attention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FALLING

On my photo trip today…new snow, quite gray and quiet – I was listening to Jennifer McLean instructing us in a Spontaneous Transformation process, where we would spot an emotion and finding it inside the body. I spoke out loud: Its in the middle of my chest, and my feet disappeared up in the air and BANG.

At the same time, I sensed the anger of “that” in the chest – it did NOT want to be found, or “messed with” as it called it. I immediately felt a wave of tenderness and told it I was HERE for it, and i saw how territorial it was, how super strong it had had to protect this area/trauma.

There came a huge crying from that part – a release of having been found and NOT being in trouble for that.

And then it simply fell asleep – relaxing for the first time in aeons maybe.

Then I took a photo, where all the photo gods assisted:

imgp0465At home, the aspect woke up and we went through the process

I am so very grateful for this Spontaneous Transformation Training I have taken. SO simple, so effective.

Trusting the Process

 

The Carrier of Responsibility

This figure:

dsc_0785

I see it in the neck: my eternal “pain in the neck “- that I have hated and judged for at least 30 years, thinking it has had  nothing to do with me – it is something somebody has given me.

Turns out that that somebody was me – and that it was a sane choice

I have recognized that it is the very container of all the bodyparts who have held overwhelming physical and psychic pain and attack during insane trauma this life – and probably all lives. And it CAN be seen now, where I since June has trained in Spontaneous Transformation Technique by Jennifer McLean

It looks like a humanoid enclosed in an amniotic sack.Slick, no hard edges – like being grounded smooth, like silk. – like stones are ground by water. But this is not a stone. Inside it is filled with phlegm – it acts as a sheet around the spiky hard shards inside it, that otherwise would rip it apart and cause internal bleeding.

Today it unraveled

It lets me know that it has no faith in healing and help – it tells me that I have done healing a whole life, and it always goes back to default afterwards: a release, and back to default.

I tell it that it does not need to change for me – I am just here to love it and witness it and be with it. And I am so truly sorry for what happened, and that I see the love and courage it has taken to solely contain all that pain. I am in awe of its willingness to save this bodymind from going insane.

It lets me know it does not trust me at all to heal it

It seems that it think that I am all that it has!

My friend Susan, being with me on Skype at this time, mirrors my insight by asking that we both just rest in what STT calls “The healing singularity” – the very essence of Stillness/Awareness.

And then: IT SENSES IT

It senses the Space of the Witness – this cocoon of unconditional LOVE around it – and it knows that THIS is nothing that can move away- it is HERE always. And this LOVE invites the Carrier and Holder of Pain to open just as tiny point to let energy out into this healing space

Which means that is has HELP at last:

it no longer carries the full and sole responsibility for carrying the effects of trauma/shock/repressed emotions that are lodged in the cells of this body –

I recognize that if there had not been a “leader-part” who was the main responsible one for holding all of this separate from wake consciousness, all the pain in those bodyparts would have exploded into illnesses.

In my mother it turned into ALS – this terrible  crippling and paralyzing illness that gradually corrupts the nervous system. She denied everything that has happened to herself (and me) and her family  – and living with my father,she had no way of allowing stuff to become conscious

But this is what I have signed up for: allowing it to become conscious, so it can be loved instead of hated and repressed and denied

And this glorious morning, the first sunny morning in 7 days, the Carrier of Responsibility in my neck allowed him/herself to FEEL and SENSE the healing love-cocoon around it – and it was willing to open 1 mm space in the neck where energy could pour out into that unconditionally loving space.

So much flowed out in that tiny stream! – It looked like all kind of dark entities – bugs, flies, worms, wigglywagglies , spiders – no  wonders it had refused to let that out: I would have freaked out and closed down again.

Now this part of me -( that I have identified with) – realizes that it no longer has sole responsibility to keep all of it inside,to “save the world”(which is another word for my bodymind :))

There really are no words for the release I feel. I – “it” – knows that this Healing cocooning Space takes it: it cannot be harmed, like the body is harmed by each and every fearful and hateful thought we think and believe is true about us.

This is all I need

This is all I need

This silent space :
Air singing
The lace on her thigh
The bared teeth of bliss
The invisible line of her neck
The flimsy embellished sheet of nothing
Between her and
Her dancing prancing mover

 

The Rider - Marc Chagall, drypoint. 1929

The Rider – Marc Chagall, drypoint. 1929

Scream and play

Last night, I wrote myself through a nightly terror:

The Code

When lungs are raisin-dry and dirty demons nibble at your feet,
when you can’t take a breath and cannot cry for help cause there is no-one there to meet
this agony with anything at all, you’re stumbling through the night
and stubbing toes on stones and hearing angry voices who just may be right
in their insistence that you’re not worthy of a life,
you have done something wrong and just this knife
is all you need, to put an end to it and plunge it in your heart.
Since then this pain will have to end, you think, that seems so evident and smart
if only you could find the code to tell you where you fail and sin,
then you could remedy your ways and calm the screams and din
of this old mind that never stops in finding reasons for your pain
-but as you seek for them, you know that trying to find rest will be in vain.
And trying to get out of it and feeling good again is doomed, you say!
Then Love says, now go to the heart and stay
there, child, just let it be, allow it space to breathe; that darkness is just shadow play.
Now turn toward it Sweetie, tell it, hey
old agony, old friend, what if we have some fun instead and write a pome
about it. The Muse is here to take you Home.
We may just recognize the simple truth right here to be:
The Code for healing agony is Play, you see

*

In the morning, I woke up from a reaction I have to something going on in the world – feeling the horrible energy from it.It feels like a global scream.

Exactly at the moment I notice this scream, I am reminded: this is just an energy in the mind that I haven’t forgiven. It’s not “mine,” it’s not  serious – it’s not a sign that I have done something wrong- it’s just this energy.

 

I turn toward it and say, “welcome! Welcome. Welcome” with a full heart –

and it’s just not there anymore

 

 

Inner sculptures

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training –  29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in  my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark  and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

 

The Blue Hole

The deep chest pain and cough was particularly nasty this morning. I prayed deeply and sincerely for help to see this differently. I got up, and found myself looking at a book in the shelf above my head. I got the message, pulled it out. It was a journal, 29 years old, from my first training in Sweden in Expressive Arts Therapy.

I had no idea I had done that. And that I had not seen it before! I opened the first page, and read about an exercise we did the second day: “Who am I now?” Paint it.

This “I” had the day before been initiated into a shamanic journey through 4 years, and the opening into all this “new” exercises ( but not new to my Soul 🙂 felt like an earthquake. Maybe cataclysm is a better word.

In that image, there were two parts – a childlike playful colorful one, and a chaotic threatening one.

And then, there was an opening. Kind of a “hole.” That hole was the only thing I liked – 29 years ago. We were told to enlarge the one detail we loved the most, and I happily painted it again. I needed to have it clean. It was filled with BLUE. I wrote under the sketch in the journal:

I need my hole. It sits in the chest region. It has to do with the throat chakra

THIS is what I am shown: what I have seen as something I hate and want to get rid of – for about 30 years – is something I have told myself I needed when I grew up.

It is not something bad to get rid of – it is a huge gift, to be unwrapped delicately!

The moment I withdraw all my judgments of the wound – and the ways I have “protected it” and built shells around it – tears flowed like Niagara.

I sit with it, and the familiar almost-fainting state appears. For the first time I truly realize that it is not something “wrong” with me, health wise – it is a unraveling of old tight holdings around my heart. It was something I needed then– in order to feel safe.

I do not know more for the time being – other than that this is such a wonderful process – and i let myself off the hook for not having discovered it until now: things had to happen first, to prepare the way.

*

A poem today – this way of writing has been deeply healing for me

 

Easter and Wester

 

Easter is a town in the land of Tobble

It is to the right.

There is a sweet wind there

and a special sunrise

with magenta and lemon-yellow,

and white and pink Praising Birds

who sing hymns in Bird language.

 

Wester is to the left

of Easter

and has sharper wind and broad lanes

for expensive cars.

Easter has eggs in the grass in the ditches

Not all of them are fresh though.

Wester has Weeping Willows with Wlackbirds

and multitudes of Taxidermists

and rather foul air quality on Friday afternoons

 

I much prefer Easter for picnics I must say

Wester is more for nitpicks

but nice if you are rich

and own a limo.

The asphalt is smooth and black

in Wester,

while in Easter there is more walking

on gravel and many places on grass

And there’s the Ocean of course

That counts a lot

*

 

 

 

The Space for New Creation

I am writing the last part of a novel. Part of that novel describes a young girl at 11 years old stitching a quilt of the Egyptian plagues ( don’t ask) – and as I was working with this stitching ( I mean literally embroidering it )I got stuck. For a LONG while.

Until a couple of days ago: I realized I had somehow had the impossible idea of presenting an image symbolizing the healing of the relationship between Moses and what may have been Thutmose II. And suddenly my hand rejected to take the next stitch – and I was shown  that I need to make space for God in the quilt – literally allowing part of the stitching to have this empty space.

Today I had lunch with my nephew. He works in a huge complex of buildings of a State-company – and there is a roof over an entrance-part that is partly digital. The decoration are made of squares – just as my stitching – and at the corner of it is a live digital movie.

As I watched that part change, I sensed the shudders up my spine as a sign to pay attention: and in the video you can  see what that square consisted of, while I was watching it.

I have posted about this Tree before in the blog: It’s called Acer Palmatum – and the spiritual meaning for me is found in the book The Red Tree. The red leaves flickering across the digital space symbolize for me our Christed Self – our True Nature.

If you would like to know how I came to that meaning of the red leaves, here is a link :

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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