Colorgobbling

How powerful words are – and images!

Kit talked today about two ways looking at things/situations:

  1. The judging look –  aka the character ” The Colorgobbler” by Tor Åge Bringsværd,  in the drama ” The Country Where Everything was Different.” I have never heard a better way to describe what judgment really does – with people and their souls. I designed costumes to that play 35 years ago – and only today was I, with Kit’s playful help, able to expand my vision and see the color-gobbling/sucking aspect of judgment. And what a help that is, to stop this automatic inner judge most of us have.

2)The playful look: the clown, the poet, the fool.

If you want to play with sitting with both alternatives, you will sense the energetic effect I am sure

*******

This silly playful poem came through me yesterday:

On the beach

Would you be willing to be
a beach to me he said…
strewn with striped parasols and little huts
with yellow mats
and  azure blue water

I might, she said,if you are willing to
be the fresh towel and the lavender soap
in the hut
and the shower with freshwater
outside it

we looked at each other
we liked the answers
the sun shone in perfect strength
our bathing suits were new
the wind was perfectly gentle

and since we were in the tropics
the night just exploded on us

there were fireflies
but we were nowhere to be found

 

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book

Poemcrazy

What is happening for me now –

Sometimes – maybe twice a week or more – I meet somebody’s eyes and we both are completely present and awake. “Foreigners”, that is. And they all feel like the oldest bestest friends. We never stop, I’ve noticed – just a 2-3-second eye-soul contact, deep peacefulness and joy, and then the habit takes our feet away.

But the imprint of love and joining is as strong NOW as it was when it happened – just fully remembering Who we are.

In the night, the dreams are chaotic and very very unpleasant and tiring. But when i get up and abide as Christ, I ask what belief lies under all of that. Then i realize that earlier,this belief was helping me stay “protected” from saying something and causing dangerous situations – so I thank that pattern, own it. and see that it is not valuable any longer.

Today I sat like this in the five-minutes abiding as Christ  – which turned into 3/4 hour – and at some point, a river of toxicity left my brain through my temples or ears in two streams.

Afterwards I felt I had lost about 20 pounds

*
Today I got a new book by Susan Wooldridge:  Poemcrazy. When I was sitting with it, the doorbell started co-cooing like crazy – 6 times, and then a seventh while I was looking at it through the window. THIS IS FOR YOU. DO IT!

Oh yes I will – funny thing is. I have done so many of this word-games she describes in earlier workshops. And now, I am back -and I will find somebody to play with 🙂

Recent poem:

Choices

Left road:

Rain on Monday evenings between 19-21
Military marches for small men with big dogs on Wednesdays
Digging holes for manure Fridays
Flag rising on Sundays, only on municipal buildings
No singing on Thursdays
Whistling: never
Red clothes only Saturday evening after 7pm
Weeping and gnashing of teeth 10 minutes after 5pm each day

Right road:

Moonlight serenades by small insects with lighted bottoms
Checkered dresses and flowered suits whenever
Pink bubbly and chocolate mousse whenever
Nothing matters
Ever
Nothing changes
Ever

Turn around.
Wait for the little red and yellow copter
*

Structure

I had a very instructive dream last  night.

I was visiting my old school – The Art and Crafts Academy – and visited it for the umpteenth time in a dream. All the classrooms looked chaotic, dirty, like all the teachers had disappeared, people were only  fooling around like irresponsible children – meaning that nobody had cleaned those floors for a LONG time, nobody had emptied the wastebaskets, cleaned the brushes… pieces of half-eaten old sandwiches were strewn out

I walked around in it all and told the students to pull themselves together – otherwise there would be rats!

Writing that last sentence, the door-bell co-cooed *- meaning: sit down and breathe, allow Love to come into “this.”

Big release – deep yawns

Remembering: At the ground floor in the dream-building, MY class was. I went there, and it was not rat-attractive – just chaotic in a nice spontaneous way.

When I awoke, I posed a wonder-question –  I wonder what this is about?

“You need to structure your time for creativity” it said. “You simply can’t doodle around waiting for inspiration – structure your day more clearly.”

It felt like a  space for a new life opened up. And quite some self-respect.

Still yawning

*

The door-bell co-cooing is what it does when there is nobody outside the door – just some wonderful soulful electronic waves inviting me to stop what I am doing and just allow myself to pay attention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FALLING

On my photo trip today…new snow, quite gray and quiet – I was listening to Jennifer McLean instructing us in a Spontaneous Transformation process, where we would spot an emotion and finding it inside the body. I spoke out loud: Its in the middle of my chest, and my feet disappeared up in the air and BANG.

At the same time, I sensed the anger of “that” in the chest – it did NOT want to be found, or “messed with” as it called it. I immediately felt a wave of tenderness and told it I was HERE for it, and i saw how territorial it was, how super strong it had had to protect this area/trauma.

There came a huge crying from that part – a release of having been found and NOT being in trouble for that.

And then it simply fell asleep – relaxing for the first time in aeons maybe.

Then I took a photo, where all the photo gods assisted:

imgp0465At home, the aspect woke up and we went through the process

I am so very grateful for this Spontaneous Transformation Training I have taken. SO simple, so effective.

Trusting the Process

 

The Carrier of Responsibility

This figure:

dsc_0785

I see it in the neck: my eternal “pain in the neck “- that I have hated and judged for at least 30 years, thinking it has had  nothing to do with me – it is something somebody has given me.

Turns out that that somebody was me – and that it was a sane choice

I have recognized that it is the very container of all the bodyparts who have held overwhelming physical and psychic pain and attack during insane trauma this life – and probably all lives. And it CAN be seen now, where I since June has trained in Spontaneous Transformation Technique by Jennifer McLean

It looks like a humanoid enclosed in an amniotic sack.Slick, no hard edges – like being grounded smooth, like silk. – like stones are ground by water. But this is not a stone. Inside it is filled with phlegm – it acts as a sheet around the spiky hard shards inside it, that otherwise would rip it apart and cause internal bleeding.

Today it unraveled

It lets me know that it has no faith in healing and help – it tells me that I have done healing a whole life, and it always goes back to default afterwards: a release, and back to default.

I tell it that it does not need to change for me – I am just here to love it and witness it and be with it. And I am so truly sorry for what happened, and that I see the love and courage it has taken to solely contain all that pain. I am in awe of its willingness to save this bodymind from going insane.

It lets me know it does not trust me at all to heal it

It seems that it think that I am all that it has!

My friend Susan, being with me on Skype at this time, mirrors my insight by asking that we both just rest in what STT calls “The healing singularity” – the very essence of Stillness/Awareness.

And then: IT SENSES IT

It senses the Space of the Witness – this cocoon of unconditional LOVE around it – and it knows that THIS is nothing that can move away- it is HERE always. And this LOVE invites the Carrier and Holder of Pain to open just as tiny point to let energy out into this healing space

Which means that is has HELP at last:

it no longer carries the full and sole responsibility for carrying the effects of trauma/shock/repressed emotions that are lodged in the cells of this body –

I recognize that if there had not been a “leader-part” who was the main responsible one for holding all of this separate from wake consciousness, all the pain in those bodyparts would have exploded into illnesses.

In my mother it turned into ALS – this terrible  crippling and paralyzing illness that gradually corrupts the nervous system. She denied everything that has happened to herself (and me) and her family  – and living with my father,she had no way of allowing stuff to become conscious

But this is what I have signed up for: allowing it to become conscious, so it can be loved instead of hated and repressed and denied

And this glorious morning, the first sunny morning in 7 days, the Carrier of Responsibility in my neck allowed him/herself to FEEL and SENSE the healing love-cocoon around it – and it was willing to open 1 mm space in the neck where energy could pour out into that unconditionally loving space.

So much flowed out in that tiny stream! – It looked like all kind of dark entities – bugs, flies, worms, wigglywagglies , spiders – no  wonders it had refused to let that out: I would have freaked out and closed down again.

Now this part of me -( that I have identified with) – realizes that it no longer has sole responsibility to keep all of it inside,to “save the world”(which is another word for my bodymind :))

There really are no words for the release I feel. I – “it” – knows that this Healing cocooning Space takes it: it cannot be harmed, like the body is harmed by each and every fearful and hateful thought we think and believe is true about us.

This is all I need

This is all I need

This silent space :
Air singing
The lace on her thigh
The bared teeth of bliss
The invisible line of her neck
The flimsy embellished sheet of nothing
Between her and
Her dancing prancing mover

 

The Rider - Marc Chagall, drypoint. 1929

The Rider – Marc Chagall, drypoint. 1929

Scream and play

Last night, I wrote myself through a nightly terror:

The Code

When lungs are raisin-dry and dirty demons nibble at your feet,
when you can’t take a breath and cannot cry for help cause there is no-one there to meet
this agony with anything at all, you’re stumbling through the night
and stubbing toes on stones and hearing angry voices who just may be right
in their insistence that you’re not worthy of a life,
you have done something wrong and just this knife
is all you need, to put an end to it and plunge it in your heart.
Since then this pain will have to end, you think, that seems so evident and smart
if only you could find the code to tell you where you fail and sin,
then you could remedy your ways and calm the screams and din
of this old mind that never stops in finding reasons for your pain
-but as you seek for them, you know that trying to find rest will be in vain.
And trying to get out of it and feeling good again is doomed, you say!
Then Love says, now go to the heart and stay
there, child, just let it be, allow it space to breathe; that darkness is just shadow play.
Now turn toward it Sweetie, tell it, hey
old agony, old friend, what if we have some fun instead and write a pome
about it. The Muse is here to take you Home.
We may just recognize the simple truth right here to be:
The Code for healing agony is Play, you see

*

In the morning, I woke up from a reaction I have to something going on in the world – feeling the horrible energy from it.It feels like a global scream.

Exactly at the moment I notice this scream, I am reminded: this is just an energy in the mind that I haven’t forgiven. It’s not “mine,” it’s not  serious – it’s not a sign that I have done something wrong- it’s just this energy.

 

I turn toward it and say, “welcome! Welcome. Welcome” with a full heart –

and it’s just not there anymore

 

 

Inner sculptures

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training –  29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in  my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark  and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

 

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: