The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

During my first 20 years I was raped and abused by my father – he did this when being in a Mr Hyde – state of mind. That had the curious effect that after the deed, both he and I  switched back int the “normal” Dr.Jekyll – state – and  no-one now knew what had happened.

A complete switch in consciousness, a split in the psyche  – it took me the first 38 years of my life to  open up  and find that split off / dissociated child.

My father’s Dr. Jekyll part I loved, and had a lot in common with – the love of literature, art, music , and playing silly word games. Some of the most beautiful memories involve my father and I in various situations of Silence and beauty.

After a lot of education and years in many sorts of therapy, I started my private practice as Expressive Arts Therapist and later became supervisor for students in the education.

After ten years of practice or so I started to recognize clear patterns of symptoms and behaviour in 99% of my patients – and from inner guidance I was helped to see that they were sent to me because I was supposed to explore the archetypes in the common psyche of this kind of soul sickness. When the work went deep and down and scary, I called intensely for help from the Divine and was answered in the most loving  and wise and tender ways – and I became aware that all this was meant to be chronicled in a book I was supposed to write.

As the work with my students developed and the 10 archetypes became clear, more patients showed up, always demonstrating the themes I most needed to understand- so we explored them through dance, music, painting, writing, storytelling etc – and there was a clear red thread through my patients’ work, that demonstrated that there was Something present through all the modalities and expressions – and that this Something  was holy and utterly dependable.

The synchronicities were over the top unavoidable to notice -and that helped us all realize that we were  moving through a dark landscape with a trusted Guide – and   where I now started to notice how the map could be made.

The map turned into the three books you find in the right menu:

When Fear Comes Home to Love – the Healing Gifts of Art, Play and Forgiveness

Case stories, autobiography, my own spiritual journey with guidance from Divinity and lots of synchronicities. A bonafide map for traversing these dark Jekyll and Hyde-landscapes.

“108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” are some of the most helpful and popular creative exercises that arose in the sessions – they are helpful for anyone being in a crisis.

The third book, Hilaryon Stories  is a novel – Hilaryon is a state of frequency that may look like a planet, where deep trauma and stories of loss play out among my beloved characters. Johan Sebastian Bach is one of them, and playfulness and white hares turn up to play big roles in my characters’ lives

When you click on the book covers you will get to my author page and may read reviews.

***

For the readers who are ready to bring healing and transformation to the dark psychic patterns they may carry, I offer Skype sessions called Transformation. You will get 15 free minutes on Skype where you can ask questions – and if the connection feel OK for both of us, we may set up a session.

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

A Path through the Jungle

When the mind tries to understand d things – to feel safe and have control – it cannot open to the beauty of life in all its nuances. Those of us with big trauma in our luggage has actually survived by controlling, pushing the traumas deep down- and because of all of that underground activity, Illnesses arrive, physical and psychic. All the avoiding systems, carefully architected, grow like a jungle, slinging their lianas criss – crossing through our nervous system. It saved us then, and now it produces strange fruit.

I wanted to know – how can I be of help? How can I use my jungle-knowledge to serve in this world with so much putrefying agony, where frequently the trees grow so dense that the light cannot reach us down here?

I have been given a muse – I write stories and poems that may heal and give hope. The muse is full of strength and outrageousness and laughter; it is a pleasure to allow her to use me.

In my practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist, the healing story arises in the sacred space between the student and me. One of us start with a sentence or more, the other continues when it feels right. The story grows and we follow, often fantastic and outrageous, and there use to be a place where we both have no idea where – and IF – it will find an end. It ends when we stick with it- trusting the spirit that plays with us, knowing precisely what we both need to heal and grow. When we get there, there is relief, gratitude, deep breathing. And it turns out that this particular story precisely addressed the student’s predicament at that moment in time.

Hilaryon Stories is created in this way. If you “try to understand” you will hurt. I invite you to you read by just going for the ride –  trusting that the path through it will lead to a clear and beautiful space within you ( and the jungle.) No need to try to understand – the story, as it was given me through 5 years and two years pause – has ability to heal deep collective unconscious patterns. I know that from experience. If you are one of those travelers who would like to clear a bit of jungle, your soul will thank you for it. In these Corona times with tremendous uncertainty about most anything, Hilaryon Stories is a bona fide path back Home – it teaches you to let go and trust – just like it did me.

My muse presented me with the chapters in a seemingly chaotic pattern – precisely to give the readers the experience of having lost the path in the jungle –  and then, if you hang in there, joining the characters in their experiences of loss, longing and playfulness, I trust that you will find your  own joy – the point of it all.

Here is a review:

I finished the book – and miss it dearly! I wish I could read on every night from now on!
The sense of it all still escapes my mind, yet it left me feeling uplifted and joyful, playful and very grateful!
When I did a little grounding meditation yesterday, I decided to visit my belly from the inside. ( My belly has been like seven months pregnant for years, feeling uncomfortable. I believe, I shut it down in many ways.) So I let my awareness travel down there and found only darkness and barren land. Then, suddenly it started to transform! I saw grass growing, and streams meandering – looked like Ireland. A change again and it was a kind of Hobbiton ! Flowers, little houses and JOY! Abundance everywhere! Little people dancing, singing, eating, creating! Perhaps not so dissimilar to Hilaryon…
My life force energy was moving as a strong tingling in my lower belly! I just loved it!

 

PERFECTION

The Queen of Chameleons

The closed-off room

The fear of taking space – for my self

I closed it off when I had to, to adjust instead.

Inside that room was a compressing machine,

doing a truly magnificent job. The stuff that could have

joyed up a whole world now compressed into

one quadrate centimeter closed-off self

of atomic bomb power.

I closed the room and lived outside it as the Queen of Chameleons.

A true master: emerald green head yellow gold paws and violet/blue tail

***

This just came in to my mailbox – from Educare

There is an Order to life

It is not your job to create the Order.
It is your job to yield to It.
Observe, listen, accept and follow.
*

Thank you! All traumatized parts try to create order and sense. Now I have seen her and loved her -and maybe Poetry can do the rest?

 

Old gunk in the cells

I have an intolerable inner itching all over the body. Sensing into it, it hisses and hates. Immediately I recognize it as a signal for a radical choice: turn around and bless it. Accept it. Allow it to breathe and express – let it realize it will be heard and not condemned and judged.

A big room opens at my choice. I am lying in the dark for hours of this outpouring of hatred and hopelessness. I see that my worst experiences with ghosts and demons – those energies, from those souls that decide to stay on this plane after their death – they are here now to be SEEN and accepted and helped.

I did a lot of work with this ca 30 years ago – but then I had a belief that they were somehow doomed and less than me – “they must have done something terrible and this is their punishment” or something like that.

Long time ago I spent the night on an old farm, and it swarmed with ghosts and base, mean energies. Thank God there was a woman there who was NOT afraid, and we went from room to room and called out the ghosts to see the light and return to where they came from. I certainly saw them as something outside of “me.” Not anymore: we create these ghost-like lost beings by violently deciding against looking at them with love,

In the night, I thanked them all for not giving up trying to get me to SEE them with love. I saw that it was my violent resistance to these energies that demonized them. The shift in frequency was remarkable.

This hatred in my mind – there was never given SPACE for it. It was pressured together into a little stone hard ball, it could not even breathe in there. No wonder its rage was explosive.

I forgive all the ghosts that I have fed with resistance and judgments. I forgive all the parents in all incarnations I have had who never have dared to look at this inside themselves. I can now clearly see the same God essence in all – and how by our false perception we pervert it and make it into hate.  Help me realize how important it is to SEE and acknowledge this original hate and give it space to BE and to be seen.

I let go of the thought that I have been unjustly treated – that I am evil – that there is something wrong about me –

I remember our cat, Cleo – she had been rejected by her mother, so we got her when she was only three weeks old. She walked the top of the sofa behind us and hissed and growled, and I understood that she mirrored something in me. Oh yes. Now, 30 years later, I can see the depth of that hidden rage – never been allowed to be a child (or kitten )– with  a stable and safe-feeling mother.

I choose to allow Love to FLOW into all of this. I forgive all the roles I have played. I breathe the breath of Christ into all of it. May Grace take over.

*

After this I have a dream about a horse – free, wild, running just to run free and wild – it is its nature – its horsepower.  My breath is deep and free as I see my inner horsepower free. This is what we access when we have walked through our guarded rooms to the jewel inside.

Then I was given a wild dog called Tycho. That is Greek and means good luck – and hitting the mark. It also means having a good backbone

Next day and night the itching is back – and this time it is about shame. All the ways I have been taught to call myself shameful for acts or thoughts I have taken over from others. How beautiful to now be able to be the welcome and embrace of all those thoughts and energies, and finding the God- essence inside all of them.

Without the “me” and “mine” attached to them, it is just neutral energy, calling for love.

 

 

Smiling and playing music for plants

In a spiritual group recently I posted this:

Deepening practice week 8: I made an intention to SMILE AT PLANTS.

IT FEELS WONDERFUL. I smile a lot now, and of course they smile right back.

Today, I received this:

Next week, Barcelona’s Liceu opera house will emerge from its lockdown-induced siesta by throwing a concert to a rather unusual audience. The attendees will not need masks or gloves, nor will they be required to follow physical distancing rules.

However, they might like to take along a nice comfy pot and some water to prevent their roots from drying out as a string quartet serenades them, fittingly, with Puccini’s Crisantemi (Chrysanthemums).

A total of 2,292 plants will occupy the venue’s seats and listen to the opera house’s first post-lockdown concert when it reopens next Monday. Non-vegetal music fans will also be able to enjoy the performance as it will be live-streamed.

According to the Liceu’s artistic director Víctor García de Gomar, the Concert for the Biocene, played the by Uceli quartet, is intended to help us ponder the current state of the human condition and how, in lockdown, we have become “an audience deprived of the possibility of being an audience”.

For Eugenio Ampudia, the conceptual artist behind the concert, the project will serve to reflect what has happened across Spain and around the world as the COVID-19 pandemic has forced people to retreat from shared public areas.

“At a time when an important part of humankind has shut itself up in enclosed spaces and been obliged to relinquish movement, nature has crept forward to occupy the spaces we have ceded,” said Ampudia.

After the concert, the plants will find themselves in a new home, with each one of them being donated to 2,292 health workers as thank you for their efforts over recent months.

 

Healing the ancestral line

Long times ago, my daughter, then ten, was about to have surgery. I decided to tape the most beautiful music I knew onto a tape she could listen to when under anesthesia. I found that tape today, and I started to text M how filled that tape was with my love for her. I wrote from my heart, and when I read it through, I thought it sounded pompous and bombastic. I got a really strong impulse to delete it – but chose to wait a bit. Next time I looked at the phone, M had sent me 38 hearts.

As I sat and allowed those hearts to be received and embraced, it dawned on me that this fear of being “pompous” comes from my father – and his father before him – far away back. Behind is was a fear of being ridiculed while being innocent and straight ( and presumably not “masculine”.) I set an intention to return it to the original sender and all the related ancestors with my blessings and forgiveness.

This has been a deep healing process for me – and when I “sense into” the energy of returning it with love and no judgment, I can see and sense how that frequency lightens up and is healed far far back into my ancestral line.

So something to ponder about – ask yourself ” who does this belong to?” and if you “hear” a name or “see” a face, let it all be returned, with all the love you can muster for the agony of so much self hatred and guilt.

And may I invite you to have look at my three books in the right menu. “Hilaryon Stories” is the last one – a novel about healing deep old hatred with playfulness and music.

 

PLAY

These are extreme times. Everything humanity pushed down is coming up to be faced. As long as we face it with fear and judgments, it will stay. Facing it we must, if we choose to wake up to what does NOT work – outmoded thought systems of greed and fear, of them and us. And to start to bring Love into that, we need to look at our outmoded belief systems: where we have allowed fear to hold the reigns. Which is pretty much everywhere, I notice in myself – the judgments are queuing  up to be heard as true.

I notice the queue of judgments and I turn towards it, breathing the sweet Loves Breath that Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery. I allow this breath to infuse the judgemental queuing up to be heard as valuable advise: you should DO more. Learn more.READ more.

I sit with this part of me that has learned that intellectual knowledge is paramount in this world, and highly valued – and that Nature is something that we can take and grab and use for our own bodily needs, with no concern for ecology.

The judger within says to me:” I am so deadly tired. I can never relax. ALL the time I must get you to work even harder to understand, to make you fit in, to save you.” I breathe the Loves Breath into all of that, and the cramps slowly relax enough to let the Christ-suffused breath to seep in and do its wonder. And Blue, my inner guide, tells me to pick up my own book at the night table: When Fear Comes Home to Love -the healing gifts of art, play and forgiveness.  I open it randomly on page 238:

4 Sacred Play / 1994

I am never as happy as when I play. And as you will have noticed, so is Blue – our Divinity!

Play is about trusting – and enjoying! – the process from second to second. It is precisely this trust or faith we need to heal our relationship to The Myth, and start to transform the old patriarchal patterns.

In this chapter I am going to share examples, and some methods to deal with “stuff” in a playful way.

4.1 I am Leelah: teasing Mudmonster with rhythm / autobiography / 1998

I was attending a Psycho-synthesis-group, and the leader was giving us principles from the “Conversations With God”- books by Neale Donald Walsch as assignment: “Being The Highest That we are, we encounter that which we are not.” We were to contemplate the forces that we encounter, that we are not – an assign those to the other group-members, so that they could play them back to us.

I picked the forces “death-wishes,” “cold,” “dissociation,” “loss,” “darkness,” “apathy” and “fear” – and I gave each of the seven group-members one of the forces, and asked them to personify them and challenge me.

They withdrew in the corridor outside the room and mumbled together, agreeing on a strategy.

Then they entered. Massive attack was circling me: I was cornered.

I felt numb and paralyzed. Then angry. I started to fight with words: I argumented with them! VERY BAD CHOICE. They pinned me to the floor. I asked for another try.

This time, I was just present: listening to their threats and demeaning ways.

Suddenly I started to play: I span their sentences into a rhythm, and sang them back to them. Whatever they told me, I created a verse from it: they fed me with material for creation. I used their hate-talk as ingredients for a rap. In two minutes the atmosphere was transformed! They were completely bowled over – and they were laughing! It was impossible for them to stay in the roles of negativity when these word-rhythms came along.

The secret? NO RESISTANCE. Using whatever energy coming at me as food for play.

Later during the same group we are given questions, and answer them:

What is your greatest vision?

To draw forth the creative power in people and teach people to honor it and USE IT. To help people discover – find – God in PLAY and creativity.

What gives you passion?

To improvise and play and lead groups!

Who are you when you do this?

I AM DIVINE PLAY! I AM LEELAH!

I am sitting with my journal, answering the questions in writing. I am burning inside. The name Leelah reverberates inside in a strong rhythm. I ask silently: “Am I really Leelah? Give me a sign!”

As I say these words, I am looking at a building outside the windows. It has lots and lots of windows. Only one is lighted. In the same second I ask for the sign, the light goes out of the window.

Now, Mudmonster*** would have me believe that this sign shoved me that I was NOT Leelah – but the strong rush of energy through my body, and the tears streaming down my cheeks told me otherwise.

*** Mudmonster is one of the archetypes I describe in the book – the part of us that paints the devil on the wall to warn us of what MIGHT happen.

***

Lately I have heard from some of you that when you try to buy one of my books, you get  a sign that says ” this book is not for sale in your country.”

Which is bullshit 🙂 Try again, friend – try again – and let me know so I can bring it on to Amazon 🙂

Jubilation Springer

This is a Jubilation springer – in case you wondered

it is about 10 cm tall.

I found this sprig in the wood lately – and thought “how marvelous Nature is, to do this peculiar almost circle-bough.” So I brought it home, hoping that it would be made into something creative and playful.

And it did! yesterday!

You see, I am an artist – and I wither if I can’t express myself with art and playfulness. For some reason I have not been able to express myself in  visual arts for almost 2 years –  but yesterday night, I heard  the bough call me from downstairs when i was going to bed and I followed the impulse.

I took 2 grams of clay and made his snout, open – and glued on two black pearls as eyes. A red fringe for some reason lay of my desk, so I glued it to his head – and a bit to his tail. Gave it some color, and there he was.

And here he is ♥

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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