The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

During my first 20 years I was raped and abused by my father – he did this when being in a Mr Hyde – state of mind. That had the curious effect that after the deed, both he and I  switched back int the “normal” Dr.Jekyll – state – and  no-one now knew what had happened.

A complete switch in consciousness, a split in the psyche  – it took me the first 38 years of my life to  open up  and find that split off / dissociated child.

My father’s Dr. Jekyll part I loved, and had a lot in common with – the love of literature, art, music , and playing silly word games. Some of the most beautiful memories involve my father and I in various situations of Silence and beauty.

After a lot of education and years in many sorts of therapy, I started my private practice as Expressive Arts Therapist and later became supervisor for students in the education.

After ten years of practice or so I started to recognize clear patterns of symptoms and behaviour in 99% of my patients – and from inner guidance I was helped to see that they were sent to me because I was supposed to explore the archetypes in the common psyche of this kind of soul sickness. When the work went deep and down and scary, I called intensely for help from the Divine and was answered in the most loving  and wise and tender ways – and I became aware that all this was meant to be chronicled in a book I was supposed to write.

As the work with my students developed and the 10 archetypes became clear, more patients showed up, always demonstrating the themes I most needed to understand- so we explored them through dance, music, painting, writing, storytelling etc – and there was a clear red thread through my patients’ work, that demonstrated that there was Something present through all the modalities and expressions – and that this Something  was holy and utterly dependable.

The synchronicities were over the top unavoidable to notice -and that helped us all realize that we were  moving through a dark landscape with a trusted Guide – and   where I now started to notice how the map could be made.

The map turned into the three books you find in the right menu:

When Fear Comes Home to Love – the Healing Gifts of Art, Play and Forgiveness

Case stories, autobiography, my own spiritual journey with guidance from Divinity and lots of synchronicities. A bonafide map for traversing these dark Jekyll and Hyde-landscapes.

“108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” are some of the most helpful and popular creative exercises that arose in the sessions – they are helpful for anyone being in a crisis.

The third book, Hilaryon Stories  is a novel – Hilaryon is a state of frequency that may look like a planet, where deep trauma and stories of loss play out among my beloved characters. Johan Sebastian Bach is one of them, and playfulness and white hares turn up to play big roles in my characters’ lives

When you click on the book covers you will get to my author page and may read reviews.

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For the readers who are ready to bring healing and transformation to the dark psychic patterns they may carry, I offer Skype sessions called Transformation. You will get 15 free minutes on Skype where you can ask questions – and if the connection feel OK for both of us, we may set up a session.

Lessons

Hahaha!

A Course in Miracles teaches that we are here to learn lessons – and they are always about Love. We will get these lessons until we have learned them well.

This Lesson today has turned up for years: a sign on the PC tells me that the document I am working with is now used by another person. I do not have access to it anymore. It has taken huge stress – but today was the turnaround.

When “ this is locked and used by another” sign appeared, I instantly interpreted it “ this pattern comes from another part of ME- I am the one creating it.”

I noticed the stress and pressure -energy inside – and relaxed instead of trying to fix it. Sent love into it and accepted that it was HERE as a lesson and not a punishment.

Then, on the screen, for the first time in my PC life, this sign appeared: the document is now open for editing.

All it took was a change in mind –

a choice for Love

ROUNDTRIP

I’d love to take you on a short hike with me from my home, to the Coop shop buying apples ( will bake with butter,honey and crushed almonds) and  into a wood close by and back again.

 

Here you see the big sockerfield – leaving the rowhouses.

Turning right here to walk through a small clearing in next image

This thicket is about 10 meters long

Leaving the small thicket, the Coop/food shop is three minutes away

-and there it is

the wood on the other side of the road is closer now

Strange bird – I am walking through a neighborhood close to the wood

the entrance to the wood is right before me – my heart is SO looking forward to it ( walked here the last 35 years♥)

closing softly around me

Hmmm I choose the trail to the right

Can you see the white plastic chairs on top of the small hill?

a bit of primeval forest to the left

one trail to the left, on right ahead, I take the right one back home

to the right, an allotment garden with all kind of vegetables and fruit

up the hill, crossing the main road, and soon entering my living area

just because i can 🙂

last rose this year

this “road” is only 3 m wide – to the left many wild appel trees ( one of them Astrakhan, light yellow “glass apples or Transparent

close to my house now – I own the last in the right row, with the Red Tree

Well _ these photos turned out WAY bigger than I planned – the new WordPress modality is still very new to me, and this was the best I could manage 🙂

Worth

This  lesson* has repeated itself faithfully the last 5 of more years. The basics is: I have bought something I love – whatever – and the gift to myself is delivered to a pick-up address in a post office far away from me. It would take me at least three hours to get there with buses. And so I have to contact the post office – and the last variety of this, happened last week, was that all the posts with order number and pickup number simply disappeared from my mailbox. I chatted with The Post delivery, and even when that astonishing man succeeded in finding my packet without the number . what a miracle! – in the end he made some promises to send me certain mails – and they never turned up.

I chatted with a new chat person – did I mention that I am stubborn – and she miraculously found that other chat person – she made promises too re mails – nothing turned up in my mail.

SO AT LAST I was willing to acknowledge that I was not a victim of this repeated process – it was a metaphor f my belief:  I am not worthy to receive the gifts of the Universe

Bu I truly am as God created me – that cannot change at all. I have believed myself to be an unworthy guilty being, separated from God’s Love.

I truly see the IMMENSE suffering that belief has created – for me and everybody.

I am willing to be wrong about it

I am willing to let it go

I am willing to have my perception made from fear be transformed

All I need is my willingness to accept that this is true

Fully and completely

*A Course in Miracles teaches that all our seemingly troubles and trials are nothing but lessons the Universe delivers – to help us find our hidden beliefs of ego, forgive them and replace them with truth And the Universe will mirror the Truth back to us. As Above, so Below. What I don’t accept inside myself, the Universe will mirror back to me – so the lessons are very clear, once I discover them 🙂

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

The Heart of Man

The heart of man  can be full of so much pain, even when things are exteriorly “all right”.  It becomes all the more difficult because today we are used to thinking that there are explanations for everything. But there is no explanation of most of what goes on in our own hearts, and we cannot account for it all.  No use resorting to the kind of mental tranquilizers that even religious explanations sometimes offer. Faith must be deeper than that, rooted in the unknown and in the abyss of darkness that is the ground of our being.  No use teasing the darkness to try to make answers grow out of it. But if we learn how to have a deep inner patience, things solve themselves, or God solves them if you prefer: but do not expect to see how. Just learn to wait, and do what you can and help other people.  Often it is in helping someone else we find the best way to bear our own trouble.

— Thomas Merton
from his Christmas letter, 1966art by Picasso
with thanks to louie, louie  and the beauty we love

Dementia

The time between last post and this has been filed with a gradual worsening mental capacities – all the signs of dementia. Near-memories disappearing, great confusion and strange behaviour where it has felt like I don’t have the faintest clue who I am.

I had a life-saving session with Carrie Triffet, and succeeded  in finding some inner parts that were terrified of light, terrified of being found even – and I discovered how exactly THIS way of organizing my energy system saved me from going bonkers when I was small  – and probably many other lifetimes. It was SUCH a block to a free brain functioning , it may be the very collective impetus to dissociate, split off, go “elsewhere.” Now I saw the love and loyalty in that protective behaviour, and I could with all my heart give that part all my respect and love.

All automatic self-judgments and severe confusion-patterns melted away.I told that part it did not have to change for me to love it, and I meant it.

This new clarity vacillated for some days – the feelings of dementia returned and disappeared – and last night was a breakthrough: I start with inviting the Divine into my breath, and in the night that sentence was hidden by a ton of old defenses. So I sat up and even changed place in the bed- moving to the other side of  it – and I found my little note book with the session with Carrie and read it out loud again and again: “ I invite the Divine into my breath.”

Gradually it solidified – it took two hours of clear intention – and now it is here

The dementia has gone

And I now wonder if dementia is just that – old hateful and scared parts that has been judged into oblivion, forcing the neural patterns to establish banes and paths with tremendous force of denial in them.

At last for me – now – I have very rarely felt such inner peace and stability. And strength and health.