The Scull in the Theater

A Course in Miracles – a Non-Dualistic teaching – tells us that the world is a dream, and we are dreaming in up – and we are playing all the roles too. We do this to have all kind of experience – since our soul loves experience and loves to learn from it.

My work life was in the Theater – I created stage-and costume-design, was assistant director and translated plays for puppetry.

So my dreams are vital pointers for me. This is the latest one – after several months of mental  confusion and unpleasantness  after an operation in the intestine.

In the dream I was IN my Self all the time – knowing this WAS a dream. I just observed the actions while they happened, intensely moved, and amused by it all.

I was with a WONDERFUL assembly of people – I think they were social workers –  and we had together written and staged a play where the mail role was a SCULL.

In the first production my husband and I staged for The Norwegian Theater, a big shining scull played an important part as DESTINY. This was a play where objects floated through air – “Black Theater.” The actors were covered in black velvet from top to toes, and the objects/puppets were  placed in a “gate of light” on the stage.

Right now, in the dream, I am sitting in the audience and looking down at an actor with a puppet or prop two rows in front of me – it is a scull. The scull is intensely attractive and beautiful and delicate to me – and funny: right now, the actor makes the Scull bites him in the ear – “Listen, you! Pay attention to me!”

So this is an invitation to laugh – I am asked to see through the illusion of death. And to LISTEN.

Meaning: yes of course horrors happen here in the world – meaning the world of illusion, but in the REAL WORLD they are seen as props, used to give the soul experience. And in each experience, ac. to A Course in Miracles, we have a choice: look with love or fear.

So in the dream I am now paying attention to me dreaming this – I am lucid. And ACIM teaches that in reality, there are only two states of mind: LOVE – and FEAR. Fear is the realm of the egoic mind – the mind that perceives itself a separate from its Loving Source.

My mind is now ordering a translucent scull/ object of death and illusion/ to lovingly nib his maker’s earlobe. Hey you. This is a dream. Pay attention the teaching.

Awake now, I thank my main spiritual guide – Anna- and she says, Leelah, YOU made this creation – I am just sitting here, laughing my head off. (My spiritual leaders  are  very straightforward. )

Photo Source: Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

The Inner Child

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

This is the litany of the small inner child – a child who thinks she is without a helping loving God, for sure. She is ugly and bad and guilty, and she MUST be – since all these bad things happen to her –

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

These days, my TV refuses to let me play with setting it up and choosing stuff from the menu. It freezes. Just like the little girl’s mind froze up under the yearlong attacks, that she so cleverly managed to push down to the dark basement. The first line in this post – if you say it out loud yourself, what do you feel in the body? I feel blocked out from everything that is GOOD and holy, and this “I” feels that she deserves punishment, and that she pays off her guilt to her Father. Her carnal father behaves like a devil sometimes – a Mr.Hyde – and she always justifies it within, in order to adapt to the situation and not be destroyed.

My TV mirrors this to me now– it freezes and won’t let me choose the programs that make me happy – and it won’t let me find a way to TEXT, so I can follow the great series about the Swedish Nobel Price Winner Selma Lagerløf  that I have saved. I need the undertexts – since I don’t hear very well.

The under-texts would symbolize “watching WITH God/Love” – a watching that makes her understand the foreign language. And a teaching from A Course in Miracles.

Her bad hearing is certainly such a symbolization too.

My Holy Self is showing this to me – so I can truly SEE and experience the consequences of the child’s beliefs: a deep belief that she IS a victim that God hates and wants to punish.

And in my life, where everything “outside” mirrors my mind – what an excellent symbol the TV is

Sitting with these thoughts and their energy is the solution. The energy is the inner child.

May this be of help to those who needs it

And may that little child get a space in our heart so she can grow up safely. The belief she repeats incessantly and subconsciously is

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

From Unsplash

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

Writing it down again – and again – allowing it to be in the open –

allowing myself to feel stupid

allowing

not judging

I choose not to impede my LOVE

When I opened my notebook by my bed randomly this morning, it said: “I choose not to impede my Love.”

I got up, sat down in the couch in the living room

That gave me a choice – to be aware that by my choice, I had chosen to impede my love – believing I am not love. Something in me has the power to overrule Love. Doubt and fear, for instance – yes – but only because I have CHOSEN to believe so.

I notice this choice to be the very decision underlying all fear, doubt,shame and guilt.

Something tentatively gave way

I chose again- NOT to impede Love, to fully allow it through me. Something gave away in the head. I stood up to go to the bathroom, a huge dizziness overtook me. I allowed it and blessed it.

I notice the immense power of my decision – if I choose to distrust the power of my choice, my whole being loses its power – I am a leaf in the wind.

This old choice must be changed completely – in all situations. Vigilance is needed. I receive the image of the Atlantic steamer again. The captain just makes the choice, and starts to turn the wheel for a new direction – and it takes time, and the captain allows for the time.

I am the captain on my ship.I notice there are some commands that needs to be changed in the computer. I choose to fully allow my LOVE to be my guiding force and operative energy.

You Shall Have No Other Gods But Me

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

SHALT.

As a human being, I hear this SHALT as “You SHALL, OR ELSE!!”

There is a deep and terrible threat in it: I will punish you if you don’t.

This fear is profound in me – its energy lays between me and all that is kind and good and forgiving – my Self, made in God’s image.

As a Course student, I am committed to find everything I have placed between me and LOVE, or  me and my Divine Nature – I am asked to forgive my own creations. Which is the Course’s way of describing everything I experience and live through.

If I see you as evil and wrong, it is because I have placed a perception of evil and wrong upon you – and you are acting it out. With blessing I can heal the perception: “I bless you in your integrity, in your innermost eternal Light, in your holiness, in your willingness to heal and wake up and remember who you are.” Yes- the acts may be heinous – and the person acting them out is far away from his Knowing who he is, in his essence- but as I am willing to remembering it FOR her/him, his soul will pick it up.

Example:

I was going by a quaint little train from a valley up in the mountains. There were tourists there from all over the world. There were no seat-tickets. I found myself sitting crammed into a crook with a German family with a 5- and 3-year-old. The three-year-old was sitting across from me and took his pleasure in kicking my shins (tibia?) hard and rhythmically. I looked at the parents and asked them to stop their child – they looked incredulous.

And I remembered a sentence from A Course in Miracles: when I see others as bad or mean, say inwardly “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Pointing me in the direction to change my perception of them from BAD to Holy.

Yes – their actions may be reproachable – but we are not our actions, says the Course – we are Spirit who has forgotten that we are made in God’s image, and believe that we are humans only.

Now I was reminded that I was caught in an illusion that I was unjustly treated – and I was reminded to see the family as Holy Children who had forgotten their origin – just as I.

One minute or so after I had said this silently, the woman raised her head and looked like she had been shaken awake. She rose, picked her her kicking toddler and went to the window, looking out at some of the most astonishing nature views in Norway. I rose too and took a place at the window next to her. She turned her head and smiled radiantly at me.

The dream this morning was about me refusing to believe my perception of a demanding God who roars You SHALL!!! Love Me The Most.

As I am resting in that now – I see how completely this belief in a demanding Old Testament-god has colored my life – and for sure, the subconscious of the western psyche. We are guilty and shameful and must be punished. And how would it feel to know, I ask myself, to know that our ACTS maybe horrible and sinful – but my true nature is not. I have just denied it and taken on the collective mind’s litany: we are sinners and must be punished.

In no way do I deny my nature who wants to win and be right above all – but today I have had yet another peek behind the curtain: I have done it all to my self, by  believing that this small separated self is who I truly am.

No. I am one with God, It is All Loving, and I am healing my perception.

Now dear readers, maybe only one of you have followed me all the way to this sentence – this blog is mainly a way to show myself how to awaken – to cherish the ways. And if it has just touched ONE being’s heart as helpful, I am very grateful

This video shows HULDRA – a wicked nymph who lives under earth in the wide plains and lures young men with them into the mountain – compare Peer Gynt and The Green One in Ibsen’s play. She also like to show up at a station on Flåmsbana and sing – as you can see in the video

Landing with Weight

The change started three days ago – I was doing the dishes, and there was this thought,” maybe I really don’t need to bother with all these drama thoughts any longer.” No longer giving space for catastrophizing – just “ I don’t really care about those thoughts now.” The deep peace lasted for hours. And from that time, it seems that I am slowly and thoroughly planted into the ground. I notice  the worry-thoughts vaguely, but they are without importance. Thoughts about “ having to do things RIGHT” are dissolving – which means “shoulds” and “ought-to’s” are fading. I can still feel restlessness when I don’t have a “program” to follow -but there is a willingness to sit with it and explore what it is all about.

And today’s fun from the Guides:

I had a Skype-session with my friend Kit. The Firefox icon had disappeared from the desktop, Skype showed up light blue and completely alien-looking. We could not hear each other on Skype, and agreed on phoning instead. I at last recognized this situation: the electronics has done this often when I just log on automatically, without Presence and intention. So I said out loud: I log on in the name of Jesus Christ, and YES – everything worked.

A Course in Miracles stresses this – that we ARE a part of the Christ – as we are all created in Love’s Image -and that it is important for me when I communicate with others through the aethers that I make my intention clear – I log on WITH Love/Christ as my partner – NOT as a separated ego being.

The Lotus Flower – the symbol of the Crown Chakra – is planted in  deep dirt. I really am taking roots at last

Another funny right now: when I wrote the tags,  the tags love and Christ came in the middle – but right in front of my eyes they sorted themselves out:  Love  upper left, then Christ, then grounding.

Yes. Priorities, Leelotschka

The Energy and Pattern of Force

Just before the last steep little hill before Home, she holds. The backpack is very heavy, since she told herself she had to fill it with lot of oat milk -since oat milk was essential for her happiness. So she is rather tail-heavy. -She needs to traverse a tiny bump – maybe 10 cm tall – before she can slide down 10 meters and then start to climb the short steep hill. A minor thing can have major consequences -and as she moves the right ski and places it on the bump, her balance is thrown off and she starts to slide backwards. Time slows to a halt, she knows she will fall, and it does not feel good – last time she fell, she broke a wrist.

There is a loud CRACK. Not much pain, though – but still –

She starts to cry heavily, unstoppable, manages to take her skies off and carries them in her hands.

At home, it does not feel so bad – but the following days, the right arm and right side of the chest start to feel deeply painful, and there is difficulty in exercising.

Way of Mastery is adamant: it is our way of thinking that creates everything. And this time, she realizes that the energy in the moment she decided to traverse the hill with skies on, was a situation of force , not respect, not time to feel into – just crash through the block before her.

And that lack of kindness and consideration created the crack.

This choice had a wide reaching consequences :a week later, there is deep pain on the right side at the tip of the lung, maybe in the liver too, the right arm feels like something has crushed inside it.

A whole night, sitting up in bed, being with this pattern of forcing herself, brings her to an epoch making memory: she sits at a table, maybe nine-ish, her father to the right, he is explaining something that has to do with numbers, and there is a strong demand of having to “get this” NOW!!!” or else –

Or else she is hopeless – and has NO value.

She freezes, and her father explodes – and she spaces out and makes a decision about herself: how stupid and unworthy she must be – clearly nothing in her is lovable – she is a false specimen – so THAT IS WHY she is constantly abused by men – something in her WANTS it to punish herself –

And now, sitting in bed at night, she cries a waterfall when she realizes that her father acts out the other side of the coin – the importance to make one’s child see the importance to understand things, be on the top, and crush one’s needs instantly –  in order to have a place in the family – one’s main role.

An unfathomable peace flows through her as she sees the terror in the father – and that his outburst has absolutely nothing to do with her.

She sees her TRUE father behind his mask – her best friend, a true soulmate.

Now the pains in the body are seen like the consequences of a whole life crushing her own needs – and the choice has been HERS all along. Use force and pressure to walk through life, minimize all needs, call yourself a hopeless wimp when you need time to feel safe.

*

In Hilaryon Stories, I have recognized all characters to be parts of me/my Soul. In Part 2 there is a foul weather and a staff with evil in it entering – and all the characters must deal with its influence. Thank God they do so with playful creative means. Without Johann Sebastian’s music ***and the marvelous joyous Croc and his loving interventions it would look very bad –and I remind myself that they are all parts of my soul, helping me meet and transform the dark stuff within

All that stuff has a shining shimmering joyful essence. To see my father now TRULY is erasing the past that I have made.

The false images crumble – dusty costumes fall off – light is the very essence of it all

Thank you so much for reading this through

 

Choosing Love

I am as God created me – says A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery. And how is that? Pure Love – all powerful. Not the small Leelah-identity – the Holy Self that I am, that we all are in our essence. The Buddha Nature. The Atman. The Christ.

I have  some months now experienced a kind of “drying out” – it seems my kidneys have been in trouble. What I have done, is practicing knowing that 1) I have created this/ my soul has chosen to experience it all/ – and so I don’t want this any longer, I want LOVE – I Choose Love.

It has felt like something huge saying NO with bushy eyebrows -and so I asked  inner guidance for help, and was sent to Paige Apgar

I wanted to have cords removed – energy strands that connect us energetically to people in a draining way – but the Universe wanted something else, and through the session she was shown 7 different incarnations and  chakras that still was carrying some of the brunt from disasters and violence.

I felt the energy move and there were wonderful releases – so I thought the effect would be deeply felt afterwards. But there was seemingly no effect at all!

Then – 24 hours later, at the start of the latest night, I was repeating the ” I choose LOVE” – and the effect was, for the first time, profound

I believe that what Paige and her divine helpers did, was removing frozen trauma from my soul. Some of it several thousand years old. No problem for Divinity, who knows that time is a construct who allows us to play a myriad of different circumstances in a myriad of lifetimes – and the Self, Who knows that it really happens only NOW

Thank you my radiant joyful Self Who always connect me with precisely the people/ happenings I need to fully wake up – in perfect timing.

Presents

When I sat down at the table at my daughters Saturday, there were heaps of presents. They were exquisitely wrapped, and I felt a sinking in the stomach. “This is over the top” an inner voice said. Every detail was prepared to perfection – but there was a sensation of deep desperation about it all.

The effect on me was nauseating.

For me, it is like this: if it feels good for both the giver and the receiver, the gift has true value. If not, there are underlying unconscious expectations:

I give to be seen as “loving” ( which I secretly “know”I am not.)

I give to feel safe ( “now I will not be attacked)

I give something to be loved and to feel valuable and good.

The more gifts, the more I show how much I love

I know my daughter as a radiant teacher of love, so this was gift to me on a higher level – it happened to show me something. And only late 24 hours later in the night today did I discover: – what we were caught in, was the archetype of CHILD, that I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love.

A Course in Miracles describes it like this:

“T-16.VII.1. It is impossible to let the past go without relinquishing the special relationship. 2 For the special relationship is an attempt to re-enact the past and change it. 3 Imagined slights, remembered pain, past disappointments, perceived injustices and deprivations all enter into the special relationship, which becomes a way in which you seek to restore your wounded self-esteem. 4 What basis would you have for choosing a special partner without the past? 5 Every such choice is made because of something “evil” in the past to which you cling, and for which must someone else atone.”

CHILD is the part of the psyche that thinks itself inherently unworthy and loved in her essence: – you only GET love by following others’ expectations – a special relationship is based on the belief in separation. You adapt and perform and adjust – but in your essence, there is something inherently WRONG with you. You exist for others, period.

I started to explore the expectations CHILD may have behind giving gifts: to be loved, to feel safe, to be seen as nice and good and special in many ways. I became acutely aware that the horrible sensations and energies I have felt for two days now came from Child – and I recognized it as a soul gift from my beloved daughter.

For all that I have not accepted and owned as mine, I cannot embrace and forgive. And the gift in this presentation was to present a lot of presents that were over the top – both in wrapping and economy. The agony came from all that this Child in us has repressed: the need to be loved and held, valued just as s/he is – seen in her particular character and treasured just like s/he is.

Our World, as the Course teaches it, is the place where God’s One Child ( us all) play out the belief in separation – we have to DO something to EARN love.We deny the inherent value we all have as God’s child. We eat of the Tree of Good AND evil – and the soul does it to find the way to love ALL OF IT, recognizing that the “evil” springs from confusion, forgive and find the love in our heart that can house it all, and transform the energies. Jesus tells us that when I forgive a confused part of the small/separated mind, I have made it a bit easier to forgive – a bit more available to forgive for everybody – since there is only ONE MIND in reality.

And in reality, this (“my”) mind is one with God’s mind – all filled with Love. And since Love loves all things and allows us to play in all ways to experience the consequences of a separated mind, I can turn to Love now – the essence of what I am in truth – and own my choice for separation and all its consequences. Being there NOW, I can extend forgiveness to myself for the choice I made and choose again:

Love.

As this Love starts to permeate my creation, the agony melts and there is a deep knowing that my true value, given me by Love has never been disturbed.

And I can communicate this to my daughter from my soul to hers – and if necessary, I will find words to share with her eye to eye as well.

Some photos of this True Love that I have saved:

This is Anna – grandmother of Jesus . painted by Leonardo DaVinci.

A crushed bowl – mended with gold and love – helping me to see the value in the wound

This photo has followed me all my life – I sucked the forefinger too, and animals were safe

This is in my mind how Jesus would look if he were a cat

Lucid Dreaming

It was LONG dream and I enjoyed every moment of it – since I knew nothing was real and could harm me. It felt exactly as i feel now -writing on the PC. So this might be a dream too of course – AND A Course in Miracles tells us it is.

The fun thing is, that I worked as a stage and costume designer in Norwegian Theatre for 20 years – som I know all about creating trustworthy illusions:)

At one point in the dream I attended  a big meeting with a very known guru. I sat down with him. Two men behind me told me I should ask his credentials, and i told them i am not interested in that, i want someone with Heart.

It turned out that he did not have that, so I simply left

It was a LONG dream, I don’t remember any of it now – but the feeling of not taking the dream seriously sticks to me even now. Which reminds me that I teach A Course in Miracles- which teaches that this world is a dream, and only LOVE is real. It says that we can be harmed by nothing but our own thoughts of fear, hatred and attack – and if we haven’t forgiven these places/thoughts/energies inside, we will have them meet us from the outside. When we react to something on the outside, it is because it/ they are pointing to something inside us that still haven’t been seen and forgiven.

We do not forgive or condone acts – we find where we have thought or acted in the same thoughtless way, and forgive ourselves for our lack of presence – and we forgive the other for the same lack.

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

I used the Course as a big help when I wrote When Fear Comes Home to Love– since I wanted a trusted Source to  point to, when it came to sharing what I and my patients in expressive Arts Therapy experienced. I also soon experienced in my practice as therapist that there was Something Big and Beautiful and Humorous present when we worked – It was completely trustable. The patients noticed it to, when I pointed it out – and this knowing, that their life was not something random planned by craziness, was hugely important for their trust in the process.

The book is guided by a Loving Inner Master I named BLUE – and it also has a plethora of synchronicities that both myself and my patients experienced – which was a big help in trusting the process when it seemed random and dangerous.

I have noticed that many readers have told me that they do the same with success – they ask a question – “please clarify *this to me” and then they flip the book open and put their pinky some place on the page.   The answer is always there.

 

Everything is Possible

A miracle is happening for me.I have for months had a dispute with our largest Phone-communication company – ( which for me is a symbol for the highest LOVE.) They have sent me a new adapter and it just would not bring the connection. Something in me knew that this was going to be a great lesson – the sysmbols are about communication – and that it was helpful to know that the connection I deepest wanted, was the connection with LOVE/GOD/Source/whatever we call it.This morning, after AGAIN feeling unjustly treated by customer service – and being certain I was RIGHT about it – I watched the first video with Autumn and Prune Harris. – This is a series about how to align with the energy of Nature – now Autumn – and I was for the first time willing to ask inside what the theme was that held me back. I was immediately brought back to my very early decision to perceive myself as hated by God – because of the horrors happening to me. I was shown the choice of my soul before this incarnation – to experience a life in a body which would be the opposite of being protected – and then – in spite of it all – finding LOVE. The REAL thing.

In one huge crying fit I saw all the persons participating in the various abuse-versions as roles in the drama that I had written and produced and play the leading role in – decided on that level before physical incarnation. I had wanted to have such a life be lived through fully – explored fully – and then coming to the realization that my soul has written the script – because it wanted most of all to prove to itself that LOVE can heal it all – and most important, heal my own perceptions.

I have been working deeply with this theme the last 50 years – and today was a deep breakthrough in simplicity – it has all to do with MY CHOICE to believe that I am a victim as my identity.

I can see my parents and brother clearer now – the correction has been put in motion – I can feel it. I believe I will experience to be close to LOVE and God again – and be sure to forgive any signs from the outside to mirror unforgiven stuff from inside.I am in awe of the perfect orchestration and TIMING of it all – including Prune’s bout with Covid 19 and her request for us all to send love and light and balance to EVERYBODY who needed it – and her rapid recovery. Everything is possible.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love I wrote 49 examples of how God ( naming It BLUE in my book) intervened playfully when I needed it most.

Here is one such story:

A clairvoyant woman tells me that I have a wonderful big heart with potential for great transformation. “I doubt that” says my ego. I feel a strong impulse to visit a special book-store nearby, they have religious books and images, and I want paintings of Jesus and Mary, and hope to find some that are not sugary.

I don’t find any images that my heart loves. I find a small bowl of metal pins, and put my hand into the bowl and pick one. It says Leelah in red writing – and it shows an image of a little amorine who is shooting an arrow of love into Leelah’s heart.