Supersensitive

SUPERSENSITIVE for attack…
 
Some days ago, I woke up in the morning and decided that I was going to accept the new power-meter our national power company is giving us. There have been big rumors that it is dangerously radiating electronically and for “us” who seem to be supersensitive it is dangerous. So I have been one of many who has said no to it
 
This morning I knew it was just a challenge – a possibility to change the old idea and belief that I can be harmed by electronic radiation.
 
BIG PEACE came out of that – I knew Spirit was happy.
Then today Robin the installer came, and I knew he was an angel as soon as I saw him – what a radiance of GOOD. I mentioned this fear so many of us has, he told me that the new meter radiates just as little as an old FM-radio – and that cell-phones radiates MUCH more than this meter. Big shivers of release in me – I trust this man implacably, his energy informs me that he is all love. “Who do you think so many thousands of us had applied to have this component deactivated then?”
 
“Oh, aren’t we all skeptical to anything new? ” he said
Yes, that is the default human condition for sure
I feel blessed blessed blessed – like an old curse has been lifted – only because I was willing to doubt the old belief that I am not safe, not cared for by Love, the only harmful radiation comes from my own mind to tell me to be ever vigilant for being attacked. And believing that, I have attacked my innocence and invulnerability
 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Hungry Ghost – or the cravings for sugar

This is an invitation!
What if we, when the cravings come, choose to sit down with the very energy of it – and ask Spirit to hold us and replacing our insane choice for sugar with LOVE. I do this now daily after dinner – where the cravings are intense for DESSERT, coffee with sweetener and milk and so on. This has worked well for me the last three days. ” I want LOVE / GOD MORE than this. Reminder- it is not YOU who wants sugar, it is a PART OF us that we have conditioned.-There is just this imp who wants sugar and I want to be the one who decides.
 
Then we just allow the energy of craving to BE there. The main reason it is so strong is that we hate it and judge it – and therefore we drive it deeper into the dark, giving it more power. What we resist, persists.
– We do this for as long as we have decided: after dinner I do it for ten minutes. I tell it: I love you and I bless you, and I forgive you the judgments I have placed upon you. You use your words.
 
I know that when we do this as a WE, we will be blessed with huge help from Spirit: now there is more momentum behind the decision.
 
The thing in the brain that is addicted to crave sugar – is something that needs to feel nourished, and fed, and satisfied. Now we feed it when allowing LOVE to come into it. We may tell it I LOVE YOU AND I BLESS YOU.
 
When resistance screams ” I do not love this I HATE THIS” this is a part that plays into this vortex of craving. And it is exactly THIS part that needs love
 
Guidance tells me that when a number of us wants to do this experiment for a week, the momentum towards healing will be much larger than when we try it out for ourselves.
 
If we do just 20 seconds of this each time we feel a craving, that is vastly better than nothing.
 
Summing it up:
 
When craving comes, notice it, sit down if possible, breathe and pray that HS replaces our choice for a substitute for LOVE with the real thing – and that we are willing to receive the real thing. Stating that we are willing to RECEIVE LOVE is vital here. It is of course available always.
 
This is SO vital: I am willing to see that I have CHOSEN the sugar-substitute for LOVE and now I truly choose the REAL thing instead. I have no problem seeing where it came from – in my case,my mother realized that when i started to look like a certain way – needing something she could not give – she gave me chocolate instead. Of course I saw it as her way of loving me – the way she felt safe with. I don’t even need to judge it.
 
So. Anybody up for this? meaning, at least being willing to FEEL and breathe with the very craving-energy itself for some time-and inviting LOVE instead.
 
What you do afterwards is up to you – please lets not judge ourselves if we still take that bite – the invitation is to PAUSE before we take that bite and find out, is the urge still as big? and then take it or not.
Of course this will call on earlier needs and feelings that you have fed with sugar. Now is the opportunity to ALLOW God’s LOVE to pour into these old wounds: they cannot be healed until we embrace them.
So important to notice – we do NOT do this alone, people
– May we at least be willing to try this out for one week and then maybe report back here in the thread?
 
I am committed! If you are in, please this post
 
There is such joy around me writing this!
Comments very welcome

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

First Love

We were 19 and 21 years old when we met in the same class at the College for arts and crafts. Our love was cataclysmic – the energy of us two together had the strangest effects on our surroundings – like furniture making strong and strange sounds when we were not even touching. He told me it could not be us – as he had betrothed himself to his girlfriend when they were thirteen! He told me that he was the only support this girl had and that he could not disappoint her or leave her.

So after one year he decided that he had to move to another city and continue his education there.

Last kiss

You are returning to
Your native village
Where your old girlfriend is waiting for you
The one you promised to take care of
From you were thirteen
We kiss in the car, steam pearling on windows,
Enclosed in a small cave of steam, bodies
Dissolving
I open the door,
The sound of the raging waterfalls
Close by
Receives us
This is our last together

And right in front of us
A red fox stops
In the middle of the road
Looks at us
And disappears into the wood

This night I worked with a “part” that makes me feel ice cold and which eats like a wolf. Being with it made me shift in and out of consciousness, but still it was aware that I was with it in a loving way.

And I dreamt about my first love – (which I have done a thousand times, and mostly stressfully) – this time there were no blocks between us, neither inside or outside.

I realized – I saw – that we shared the same violent aggressive energy in our bodymind that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When Fear Comes Home to love”. And at the time we came together, our common unconsciousness propelled us together like a powerful magnet –

I suggest that since I have worked the last 25 years actively with relating to that energy with kindness, working with that energy last night touched his soul too, and we met in a state of mind/dream where there were no more blocks

My gratefulness is unbounded

 

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Going Deeper into Ego, Finding Love

What I experienced with the Core Transformation method this morning was a demonstration of what the human psyche does ( or at least my version of it) – when we have a spiritual breakthrough, close to Source, then the opposite rears its head too. It came in a dream with drug-addicts, acting-outs, neglected babies, a door that could not keep this out, constant fear of being overwhelmed and taken over by it – a core-issue for me in this life, fully described in my book.

I had yesterday got a strong pain in two toes on the left foot, and understood that these symptoms were linked to the psychic content that had come up to be forgiven.

I did the process with the part that wanted peace from this – and it turned out to be fully identified with ego: I want to be stronger than them!

Then: I just want ***a breathing pause*** from all of this!
THAT immediately sent a wave of freedom and healing through the toes – I saw that what I had wanted, was to just keep this pattern going, maybe to be punished a little bit more, bit maybe also to FIX IT myself. Cause that would mean that I was awesome – right?

THat called for tenderness and giggles too !

I continued going deeper: “I want to scream and yell to them to get the hell out!”

“And then “I want to punish them!”

I saw all kind of scenarios coming up of torture and self-torture . First there came judgments – but then came tenderness: “Of course you want this! No wonder you feel like this!”

And when it truly had been heard and not judged, it said:

“I just want us to be friends!”

From that point, it quietly moved to wanting to have God radiate through me as me, KNOWING that this was my true identity.

Loyalty

The chronic coughing and pain – the deep wound in my chest – the disturbance in the tissues that shows up on x-rays as a dark mass  in the lungs– is nothing else that my own judgments of the Christ in my Heart.

I have judged myself – and so I have judged Christ. And Christ has been encapsulated in irritation, denial and hatred – in false and illusionary perceptions. Each time the impulse from Christ has come, the whole hullaballoo starts. The layers of denial around the holy essence react in irritation, and I cough.

I look at this my creation now – and I forgive the judgments I have placed upon this my Holy Self: a failure – a disappointment for God – all is wrong about this false self. All it needs is punishment so it never forgets how wrong it is. No wonder it feels unworthy to receive Self/Christ

I want to hold that Christ Child  – to receive it fully. I have seen it and held it in my arms before, many times – and always I have chosen to believe in my unworthiness to receive it fully. “I must be worthy BEFORE I receive You.”  I have been loyal to this false perception of me – forgive me for forgetting that my worth is intrinsic, given me by God. It can never be earned by what I think, say or do.

This is the truth

I now allow the Love that I am to BE where it is – in my heart – and I allow It to make Itself known. I will be loyal to this process – I want to receive You fully and be loyal only unto You.

 

The Vow of Righteous Anger

Tiptoeing into this place to post – a bit apprehensive –yawning mightily in the decision to do it anyway

I have these dreams that present me with old survival patterns. The one I want to share is a sexual one connected to rapes throughout my childhood, and the identity I forged because of that.

In those moments when I noticed “there is that look again, watch out, he is going to do it” there was an immediate split in consciousness – and it is the material in this part of the mind that lately has been allowed into my dreams and from there into my conscious mind. That material/energy consists of a frantic crazy insanity with sexual lust mixed with a terror of death and being obliterated. I believe that this is what constitutes the energy vortex itself – it’s not “my” energy and “his” energy – it is the mighty vortex itself. And as I have explored this now for almost 40 years – in patient bits and pieces – my mind is accepting more and more of it in its full force. My training in Way of Mastery has certainly assisted me in not judging – and as I see that energy now, I see that it IS so strong mainly because of cultural taboos and common judging.

I discovered last night that part of me had discovered a way to survive as an “I” inside all of that explosiveness – she took on a role of “the seductress” that was given to her from she was very small: “Oh you LIKE this don’t you, you little whore” – in that moment, “she” saw that “she” had power over the man – there was something in her that he HAD to have – “she” had the power to make him want her.This strategy allowed her to feel power – meaning that not all of her disintegrated and was split off.

Meeting that part of me now, I see her intense shame, and can support her: “I am so sorry for what happened to you, And I am so grateful that you choose to find a way to feel power AT ALL – that saved you from being crushed.”

When seen and honored and not judged, she softens and deep crying comes. It is her crying, not mine, and I am there as her loving parent,/observer, witness – encouraging her to feel and express now when she is not alone.

AND:
I recognize how this way of being – “the seductress” – has been a – for me – invisible part. At a retreat in Primal Therapy years ago, a man pointed that out to me – in group, openly – and there was an immediate split in the group: one other person agreed with him and the rest attacked him for being so cruel –

But he was right, bless him – and I see now how it is not to be judged at all in me, and therefore not in others either – now I know what lies beneath it and cries for loving attention: please stop this torture, I am dying.

There also was a deeper level of insight:

I saw how that little one held onto an old decision:

I will NEVER let go of my anger and hate! It is a RIGHTEOUS anger – and I will keep it until somebody notices it and asks me what is going on and stops him/them and punishes them.

In a Family Constellation-group 20 years ago or so, I noticed a tremendous fear and grief arising when my father-part “died ” – and I was supposed to let him go. I could NOT do it – and now I realize that only as long as he was alive and did his torture, that “power-part,” ‘desirable – me’ was alive too – meaning that when he died, I/ it would die to.

I now fully realize the power – and IDENTITY – I have given to that part – the little girl who has to be “sexy and slutty” in order to be wanted, allowed, given power. I see how much I have judged that part of my sexuality/self too – and how much LIFE there is in that part.

HOW important it is to SEE this part with only love now: “of course you chose this. It helped us survive then.”

NOW I notice: that as long as that former vow about keeping the anger and that image of me is intact, I CANNOT accept LOVE. The vow of righteous anger prevents it.

So NOW I choose to acknowledge it, honor it
and allow it to be transmuted by the Love that heals and transmutes all things

Black Sheep

I need to share this-about trusting the process – only looking back at the last week can I see the exquisite order of all that has happened inside and outside –
I have been aware that I am going through a process of receiving a part of me that has been split off for maybe centuries – for sure in this life – I have been aware of her for at least 30 years, I am 73 now, this is how much work and willingness it has taken me to truly BE with that energy of being banished – driven away – this is the energy of the one who carries the guilt for all – that be in the family or in cases of people being cast out of the country, dying in the desert.
Thank God I had that role when I was a child in this life – that has made it possible to TRULY feel it now and let it go
Weeping writing this – but relieved
The two last weeks have night and days been filled with processing this child/archetype, always new parts of her, new nuances – always more love and compassion – than seemingly back to the same aches and pains everywhere, and complains “when will it stop” and “what am I doing wrong”
Last week the very archetype of the black sheep has been blooming and sharing and been heard and loved and processed in me. I was led to the exercises I posted by Prune Harris- joining breast /heart and womb – then  a teacher’s webcast last Sunday . And yesterday there was 2 new episodes of “Call the midwife” on TV- I missed them and agonized quite a bit – until I saw, last night, that I could replay them on the PC. So this morning I did – and this was an episode with strong metaphors for exactly where I am in the unraveling process of my life-story, and the archetypes constituting it!
This week “Midwife” presented a story about a sailor who seemed to have smallpox – but it turned out to be Leprosy! Again a symbol of the one being shunned and cast out. In this episode, English 60-ies, they were told that Leprosy is not contagious and that one can heal with the right treatment. And the leprous one met with a nun who told him ” we are never adrift when he have faith. It is our anchor.” And she gave him her bible, and he gave her the wooden cross he had clung to –
The other metaphor for me, that was the crucial one for me, was a woman who was terrified to give birth – she had a terrible memory of her last one, where the fetus was dragged out of her with metal pliers. She had locked herself in the bathroom to kill herself, when one of the midwife-nuns talked her SO lovingly out of the room and out of that locked and terrified state of mind – and just HELD the loving gaze.
It was here when at last what may seem as the final phase for me was healed – those minutes when the last fear leaves and the trust takes over for the one in panic of birthing, and the one who just HOLDS the loving glance and contact
There was a huge wave inside me of release and crying – the part that KNOWS at last : THIS IS IT – I am being SEEN and RECEIVED just as I am, just as I feel, just with my baggage – and there is ONLY LOVE
And then I hear Spirit:
And NOW can you truly appreciate the guidance and experiences last week_:) You needed to see this episode AFTER last nights processing – yes?
Absolutely so

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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