As some of my readers will know, I live from the  belief that my outer physical world and body mirror what goes on in my mind. So when I dream of a loose molar, I see it a cornerstone of the belief system ( teeth are symbols of beliefs in my world.) In this case, I had asked my mind to show me what the intense pain and tensions in the neck was about.

I talked to the neck – and it turned into a vile and vicious voice that called me a damned hussy who it would love to see tortured – since I did not follow its advises to live after the old belief system of fear any longer. Since I knew it has only one purpose – to keep me “safe” – I listened deeply and thanked it for its hard work – and I started to bless it. I allowed LOVE into my breathing, and gradually a soft melting happened in the neck. Now that I was focused on the pain as something IN me and nothing that I WAS , I could separate the pain as just energy, and breathe  love into it.This may be a process with many layers – but, miracles happen frequently in my life, so -😊

In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have collected lots of  synchronicities that show me when I am aligned to Source. Like this one:

I was on my way to the Hospital for some tests, and told myself, “ I love myself just as I am right now.” The first person who served me had  a white Tee-shirt with this text on: “ I love myself just as I am.”

Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash

Taking on Others’ Energy

Sounds familiar to you?

I have been a vacuum cleaner for others’ energy. A part of me – the one who thinks her value comes from “helping” others before herself ( described in detail in “When Fear Comes Home to Love“) just identifies with something in the “the other” and the shift takes place. Yesterday I did this shift with the nurse who gave me the second vaccine – I asked her how her experience had been. This nurse had set my first vaccine a month ago, and I did not even feel a prick – so she had to be AWESOME ac. to my small self. Now I was projecting a mother on her, without being aware of it – she “took care of me” last time.

She described it her vaccine-effects in detail: sickness. Fever Pains. the whole list. And without even knowing it, I took it on, as something thar was “important” for me – and the night was pure hell – with the exact symptoms that she so distinctly had described.

I had bonded with her through sharing her symptoms – and what I told my subconsciousness I now experienced, to the minute detail.

Slowly it dawned on me that it was THIS that had happened – through my unconscious wish for a mother. The second I realized it and forgave it, all the hellish sensations seeped out – gone in a minute. Now there is just a faint soreness in left arm.

Then I asked myself, what is the most important decision I need to make – which choice needs to be recognized and corrected?

I was taken back to Ummu’s story in my book “Healing Stories.” *

Ummu was a prince in Dogon, Mali, thousands of years ago, whose land and treasures were stolen by tribal enemies.They also massacred Ummu’s family. I believe that I was Ummu in that incarnation – and that he was so shocked and enraged at God for allowing this to happen that he vowed to spite all that was good.

I have discovered that Ummu’s spirit is still in my mind – he truly CHOSE that time to turn against Love – and this morning I owned that choice of my ancestor, forgave myself and chose again.

My frequency ascended into unspeakable joy as I chose again – I chose to know Who I am and live from That.

The eating problems vanished – the very state of being where they originated – this insatiable hunger- disappeared.

I do not know if it will last – but now I know where that hunger to be comforted comes from, ancestrally.

And I am here to extend Love into it

*still not published

PS Google Dogon Mali to see photos


Here is BLUE – the sacred animal in the cover of my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Just today – more that 30 years since I wrote it – do I realize why the Holy came to me as an animal. I smile and smile as I realize that the animal carries no baggage – while Jesus and God carry more baggage than Chicago Airport.

The image also shows how the Holy is always present in every situation – even the very darkest ones

This is BLUE – the symbol of embodied LOVE

Here is a short snippet

“Allow me to present the Blue to you – The Presence of Love within the Myth. When I started to write this book, my idea was to explore the figures within the Image and the Myth, and find their stories and healing potential. But three years into the manuscript Blue made Her[1]* entrance.

It was during one of my agonized sleepless nights. I started to pray, and found myself talking into my little dream-recorder which stays in bed with me. I decided to pretend that I was God and knew the answers to my agony. I asked, and “God” answered. It comforted me.

This repeated itself for almost a week. Then the ego butted in and persuaded me to stop these conversations. It wanted me to take the credit for the book, not the Divine.

That stopped the process very effectively.

But then I sat down and wrote down the conversations – and saw the wisdom, humor and Light within The Answering Voice. The moment I knew, with a wave of gratefulness, that these dialogues were going to be an important part of the book, I also knew that The Voice belonged to the sacred-looking blue animal in The Image, under the root. In that revelatory moment, the structure and intent changed: before, I was trying to write a book to be accepted by the academic world, to “prove” my worth to them – a futile and impossible scheme of the ego – now it became clear to me that Blue had planned it all! So this book is written to remind us all of that Guiding Principle within, Who faithfully leads us toward our awakening.

Conversations with Blue are meandering throughout this book, and the text is also spiced with short examples of Divine play, through the form of synchronistic events and magic “coincidents.” With deep compassion and humor, She shows us how She leads us and plays with us, and how darkness can be seen as layers in an onion, opening to the radiant Light at the center.

The following dialogue is one of the very first:, from 1997. Blue’s voice is in italics:

Talking with Blue / 1997

I am here to remind you that you are a child of God – and that ALL your journeys, stories, poems and images point toward Me. I am your sunny garden, your golden haven, your sacred heart – your one and only Mother and Father. Come home to Me now – I AM LOVE. I am here to urge you to RECEIVE YOURSELF.

Who are you, Blue?

I am you. There is no separation.

Can I call you God? Can I call you Christ?

You can touch whatever consciousness you want with your heart and intention. If you address Christ, His answer will be filtered through your consciousness and through your mind. And you will give My voice the voice you have been conditioned to use.

If you address Christ, it is from the Christ-source the answer will be given. How you hear it and receive it, is up to you, and will be refined through experience – much like an artist grows into her true form. –When you – and all humans – are communicating like this, you are doing yourself a huge favor: you are taking away control from the ego, and stepping outside its prison doors, into fresh air. I repeat, I AM YOU – there is no separation, except in your mind.

Dearest Blue – why have you taken the form of an animal in my image?

To show you my playfulness… I am Divine playfulness, cohabiting with the demons under the root – so you shall not take it so very seriously, my dear.


What is horrifying is to be trapped in the illusion that this Child is all you are. You need to have tremendous compassion for the Child – and at the same time recognize that you are also one with Me. The role of Child, this unhealed soul-fragment – “the one who suffers in hell” – is meant to be healed through the “Greater You.”

There is a GREATER REALITY (10) where you experience all as One. –You and I planned this drama – don’t get stuck in it! You are not the roles, you are not even the drama – but you are responsible for making the drama conscious, so you can step out of it. Yes – don’t get stuck in it, my love, PLAY WITH IT. As every actor knows, it is necessary to step out of the role. Child and Fuckeat are not YOU – it is something you explore to discover the dark places within you that you still haven’t loved and healed.

You cannot really choose love and light without knowing what darkness, denial and hatred is. When Adam and Eve were in Paradise, they did not know that it was good – before they seemed to fall from Grace.

So when you and your fellow-travelers experience and explore your root-hell, you will then have the necessary experience of torment-awareness to choose the opposite. But this choice becomes available only after having fully experienced and accepted your own tortured feelings.

Realizing the hellish drama as your own creation, [2]* will give you the impetus to choose love.

And please have fun doing it!

The essence in The Lesson of The Root is recognizing your error in identity – and then to choose again!



[1]*In the text, I may use ‘Her’ for Blue, our sacred Self, or Holy Spirit in Course-language. Blue is of course non-denominational – but in my experience, She has the quality of Divine Mother.


[2]* The Leelah-figure, according to the Course, creates absolutely nothing – the part of the mind that creates is outside time and space and has nothing to do with this body/personality we believe ourselves to be.

(10) At the time I was receiving this loving Voice, I was also deeply into Emmanuel’s Books: ‘Greater Reality’ is his term for Heaven.




Yesterday a deep ache started in the right side of the ribcage. I listened to it; it gradually grew to very painful. I told it I was here, listening, and was grateful that it communicated with me. It abated a little. I asked if it would give me an image. It was ugly and dark – and in my training I experience that darkness comes from judgment. When I sensed into it, it felt age-old, a beast with scales and warts – homeless, cast out, not belonging to a tribe.

I started to bless it in its opposite qualities: – I bless you in your feeling of safety, being a part of a tribe, being respected.

it abated enough for me to realize it has let down its guard – and that it may take a while.

But in bed it came to me – “Do the Core Transformation-process with it.”

The CTP goes like this:

  1. We know the hurting part has a positive outcome for us – we ask what the Part /P wants to accomplish with this pain. Answer: To be noticed and accepted fully.
  2. Q; Thank you! Please step into that feeling ( giving time) If you had that, fully and completely – through having that, what is it that you want more, that is even more important?
  3. A: to be part of a big group – and feeling safe there

For each round, the hurting part got closer to its innermost need – to be part of a group/ tribe and BELONG to it – seen, loved,respected.

The last 2 years, this has been denied us

The part at last stepped into the feeling of being an intimate member of a group – indispensable, trustworthy, loved, respected – and when I asked what may be even deeper and more important than that, a huge Light field came moving in from the left and the part just melted into it.

Long pause. The Divine Light felt indescribable. And it let me understand that being, existing in this Light gave it all it wanted – since everybody already existed within that Light.

It took a deep breath and dissolved.

No more pain.

As therapist and healer, I love this method – you don’t have to “go back to the trauma and feel it fully” anymore – therapy and healing today is much more about energy than a “me” that is traumatized.

This method is super simple, and the victim aspect has simply vanished. I can never really know of something belongs to “me” or if a chunk of the collective mind is coming through me to be seen ,accepted, loved and released – anyway, I feel relieved and grounded. I am here to meet it with love and not judgment. For sure not condoning the acts – but realizing that cruelty is a twisted way of asking for help. And there are thousand ways to be there with HEART and asking for help to see the act and person with eyes of love.

Helplessness and the Fixer

In the Corona journey we all are taking there are these days a collective bone-tiredness, a profoundly deep “ I can’t take this one more second.” The ones of us who are in an awakening process will notice this more acutely. I had one such day yesterday.

There is an old collective pattern: “I have to DO something about this. I, ME, the separate I, has to DO something or find out something -it must be something I have done wrong. There is a deep feeling of impotence and helplessness: I MUST do something – and nothing helps or works.

This is the very archetype of helplessness. In Non Duality (A Course in Miracles) I am helped to discover that this small I does not exist as a separate being – it is part of the collective mind that is convinced it has succeeded in separating itself from God /Source /Universe/Love.

The Corona virus has made these old fear patterns visible for us all. “I can’t breathe fully and freely” is one such pattern – and most of humanity has not been raised to breathe fully and freely, since that would allow us to be in touch with painful overwhelming emotions.

Personally, I have been caught in the belief that “this is something I must cope with – tackle – fix.” Then I try more and more and more to fix it – and that strengthens the feelings of powerlessness. I now give power to the belief that I, small mind,Leelah, has to do this.

I noticed that anything I did within this pattern, strengthened it. As long as I saw myself as a separate struggler and victim, I tangled myself deeper into the very archetype of helplessness.

I noticed that for me, the solution was: OH there I go again. ( smile.) I choose to drop these thoughts and rest in Love.

Now helpless-thoughts are not mine anymore – they just are humanity’s  thoughts – and Love flows into my mind. I notice I am willing to receive help from Love – and I am available for Love-thoughts.

It is good to make space for these energy frequencies. I can just sit with this as a meditation – making myself available – but even better for me is taking a hike in the wood.


Holy place in the wood
Sacred peace

The Monster fear

In a dream, a huge monstrous male figure approaches me. He is about 30 meters away – and the energy in the top of the thighs backside is tremendously painful and dark.

Still, I know in my heart that this is not cause for hiding in any way  – it is the collective human fear of LOVE – of melting into LOVE and losing our cherished “me-part” – or maybe clearer, becoming aware that the I-part is NOT our true identity.

I see this monster as our collective denied LOVE-part- and look at the monstrous form it takes. But what I am called to, is to find gratitude for its arrival – and for my insight that this is a true gift: here is my/ our/ deeply denied Holy Self – and it is inside this scary form.

I woke up, decided to accept and explore this shadow, and fell asleep again. This time I walked up a trafficked street in town, when a young and smiling man put his arm around me and pulled me to the side. He said: “I am just moving you away from that man there who wants to hurt you.”

My decision to not resist that huge shadow brought in loving assistance and care.


This quote is from Rilke, on of my favorite poets. It holds the essence of all my work as teacher, student,healer and therapist

Lost Keys and Vengeance

The ego goes amuck – it is dying and knowing it.

I went for a long hike in the wood yesterday, took many photos, and lost my keys to my house and my bike -which is my vehicle for traveling fast.

Since I now hike without the old fear and victim-identity, I don’t get tired. I went up very steep trails and did not breathe heavy -what a miracle!

After 1,5 hours, when I was almost home, I noticed the keys were lost.

I might have lost them when i took this photo

I grabbed a bite and an orange and decided to take the hike from the other direction. I was certain I would find the keys! I asked the people coming toward me if they had discovered the keys, and some of them offered to call me if they found them. They were all compassionate and beautiful. And then I met the most radiant of them all – shivers up my spine when I share this. He seemed ageless, wore clothes that were well worn and loved, he had a sack from the stone ages. When I asked if he had found the keys, he was all ears. I noticed that his eyes were remarkable – such warmth and love and kindness! He offered to look for the keys and give me a call – but he had no cell phone. “I could take your phone number-“ he said  while searching for a pen. He smiled and said “ I have everything I need with me. – ” and took out a ball pen and a crumbled paper with a list. “ Ah, there is my grocery list” he smiled – but he used such a quaint word that I was taken aback – he called it “ the  colonial” – which is a word we used for the grocer shop in the fifties. And he certainly did not look like he was in his 70ies!

So I did not find the keys. At home, I opened the key safe outside my door and found the spare one – had a soup and went out again to search again, to no avail.

or here

More nightmarish dreams in the night – deep guilt for having malnourished my daughter (which is what my ego dished out) – and gradually it dawned on me that it was my perception of it all that needed healing. I gradually remembered that all happens FOR me and not against me- to help me forgive my perceptions – and I realized that my deepest interpretation of all of this was “ I have lost my keys to the Kingdom and this is a well deserved punishment for being so – so  RECKLESS and CLUMSY and WRONG!

Leelah,What was it with that man on the trail that you loved? Who WAS love?

He knew who he was, he was completely peaceful. He was filled with Presence. He trusted LIFE in all its flavors.

Ah. This is it: I choose to trust all of this. My keys will return to me or not, I will trust anyway. I will trust to park my 40 year old gear less bike without locking it – knowing that it is part of my undoing the old way of fearful thinking that NO DIVINITY takes care of me.

Trusting the process.

All the beautiful synchronicities tell me otherwise. Thy will be done:)


Some years ago I gave an online course in storytelling as a way to transform our inner dragons. I called it Rosebush. I took the role of Grandma Pumpkin and invited them into my garden to play and explore. Here is the garden:

Just up the stairs – the gate is open – welcome

I am a firm believer in The Story’s ability to heal – and that it comes through us to be told and shared. In my 33 year long practice as Expressive arts therapist and healer, this will fail only when some part inside us is shitty scared of the freedom that is available – and that the story will not come from truth, but from that dark place in us that wants to destroy the truth. This belief IS a dragon in itself.

Let me first share this Rilke-quote that I used as an opener in the group


Here is the simple structure I used to find a way to transform our main dragon:

1) Imagine your fear/dragon/ illness/ problem (X) as a creature ( It may also be just a
challenging “energy-pattern.”)
If this X had a form – how would it look? Size? In what landscape is its habitat? Does it have clothes
or fur or shells-? Colors? How does this “dragon” smell? What kind of smells are its favorite?
Favorite food? Habits? (nasty and/or nice.) Be wild – listen to it: – “Foods:black coal and grubs with
timian.” Does it have children? How do they look? How does it raise its babies? What is its PET when
it is young? What are the NO-NO’S in its family? Feel free to pick all or just 2-3 .
Be outrageous, silly, over the top, incorrect. This is just playing.

What music or sounds does it enjoy – if any?
Favorite weather?
How is its mating ritual to attract a partner?
What is the main thing it never has shared?
If I had only one sentence it said…what would it be?
What is its greatest fear? Maybe it is a Who, not a What

Now the story begins
1)Once upon a time, in a (describe x’s surroundings) there lived a creature… (start to list the
descriptions, allowing us to get to know it/her/him.)

2) Now, you see – a wicked witch (name!) has put a spell on this landscape and/or the hero/the
creature. Now the creature is her slave – what has the hero/ine have to do for the witch? ( go in detail,
be to the point – like scrub her toenails, polish her buttons, fetch worms for supper.

3)Then one day – something wonderful happens! A wondrous Being appears ( how does it look?)
and says she has three magical objects that the Creature can have to free itself from the spell. After
having used all three, the landscape changes into something wonderful – describe. What are the three
objects?Make it really simple – this is not about writing great literature, just describing short and in
detail how these objects and “persons” are your short text.

NB: There are no RIGHT answers – what came to you may sound nuts, but please note them
down!Now, put the descriptions of the Creature and the trouble and the Magical Intervention from the
Being, into a story.VERY short please – less than one Word page is OK(unless the story insists of
having more space.)
Tip: if you feel stuck, pretend that someone else is writing it. F.ex yourself as 9 year old. The
language may belong to a very young child – or maybe a wise wizard is telling the story. Remember,
we are not looking for essays. We do not mind that the language may be clumsy. Just get it out there.


This night,  when the mind was repeating its favorite doubts “ you are not doing it right” I was reminded of the wonderful synchronicities when I presented my own story in our group.

Here is the beginning:

Once upon a time there lived a Gruffly in a black valley. The sky was black, black ragged mountains cradled it like a cauldron, black angry sharp shards on the ground, and dozens of black rivers. They were slow, viscous, sticky and thick like tar, and they smelled like burned rubber and boiling asphalt.

There was no sun in The Tar Valley – only Grufflies and little smooth round black “pet-stones” in the rivers, but the stones were few and rare, and the Grufflies had to remove their boxing gloves to pick them. When they did, and found a cherished stone, it took them ages to get the tar away – in fact, the best way to get the tar off was to lick the hands. And we all know how dreadful tar tastes, don’t we.

Here is my first sketch of my Gruffly – and the Wicked Witch: ( for some reasons, the black/white scetch will not be posted HERE but below.)

And here are the two first synchronicities.

A couple of days after writing this, I was biking down to the mall, and a little boy, I think max 2 years old, and his parents walked toward us. The boy was running toward me, he was stretchering out his palm, there were something black in it: a small stone.

A black pet stone.

He cried out: Look! look! and his face was beaming at me.

And this was not all: my guides know I need many reminders – a couple of days after, I was biking down to another store – and there he was again, running towards me, again wanting me to LOOK – LOOK – and this time, his hand held many of them.


In my book ” When Fear Comes Home to Love, “you will find many of these stories and synchronicities. What I love about them is the strong impact they have on patients who never has believed in Something Greater’s love and care for us – and now, for the first time, do not doubt this eternal companionship.

Main character – the Gruffly with his protections suit and his beloved Pet Stone


In my mailbox this morning:

Being Available
When I am fully available to the Moment
I receive exactly what I am ready for,
and I am likely to recognize it as such.

When I’m not available to the Moment
I receive what I’m ready for in that space,
and it may feel like
a confusing and frustrating detour.
These are ponderings from Educare Unlearning Institute

So – being available for healing and correction – is quite a rollercoaster for me.  For me, this white wonder poised on the cliff – and the human who saw the smile of it – is a mirror of the balancing out in a mind and soul like mine – dark and light.

Lately two strong symptoms seemed to be overwhelming : One of xerostomia – dryness inside the mouth and palate – and swollen legs. Google tells me this means I am an old woman and must be prepared of this bother. FFFt I say, this comes to set my mind on something I have overlooked because it is repressed and judged deeply – and it exists in the one mind we all share. So I looked at it, and saw myself in a situation ruled  by immense hatred – and I embraced the hateful me. Immediately water flowed back into my mouth and eyes.

Right away a strong ache in the right shoulder and arm comes up. OK, I include you too. Yes, I have repressed my Right Mind ( as A Course in Miracles names it) to a severe extent, since I have been very focused on symptoms of pain and trauma in this life – and I have not been so good at balancing it out with just sitting and  breathing and relaxing into the arms of Love. There has been an insistence to find out what it means, and then unravel and heal it. That is the way of the left brain.

That feels wonderful when I succeed – and very frustrated when I don’t, since small mind insists on being in control and get things.

But Queen Aurora does it differently.

AHHH 🙂 I just wanted to link you up to a very recent post about Queen Aurora – and look what Blue did -just what I needed to see right now


It only took eight years LOL –  very well spent they were, since I decided to befriend this ” ego” instead of judging it.


For new readers: BLUE is the name of a blue animal on the cover of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” S/He turned out to be the speaker of the Voice for Love.

Here is a small picture of Her/ Him:






She is so content with being right where she is, under root – knowing that it all will turn out perfectly

The Central Lie – and the Troll Chair

The Central lie in the thought system of separation is that we are victims of fate – and that God wants to punish us for our sins.

The shining Truth in all Mystery teachings is that what you are looking for, is What is looking – the Kingdom is within. What I believe in becomes true for me – and I, as most humans,have chosen to believe in fear and limitation – and that I am powerless and need to behave and be good, or else.

I have realized that what I believe in, becomes true for me – and my personal litany has been ” nothing helps, there must be something wrong with me.” So when I have started to feel good and worthy and loved by God, this unexamined belief has catapulted me back into agony. For 40 years. Until I discovered this night that it only has the power I – and most of humanity – have given it.

My Buddhist therapist once said that lies need us to believe in them – that is the only thing that keeps them alive.

And when it is a collective lie, they become invisible.

And what becomes invisible, controls me. And what I cannot accept and forgive within myself, comes to me from the Universe as attack and illness and trouble – because I believe I am a victim of it. And I have learned that when I change my beliefs, my universe changes too.

I felt this night the power of the belief “nothing helps. It will never change.” And I saw that I had given it all the power it has over me. I was trying to remember a declaration I made a week ago – I declare my trust and faith in the infinite power of divine light and love – and my mind and brain just froze up. I heard the sentence ” This is MUCH more powerful than me “- and realized that it was my BELIEF in this thought that made it powerful. When I declared that I choose LOVE instead of this belief, I immediately remembered my declaration.

I am acutely aware that this is a collective belief – that it may take some time to exchange it for Love – but love I will.


Now – today I am showing you my Troll chair. It does indeed come from that common belief that denies Love. And that’s why it felt so freeing to make it visible.

Trolls are beings without heart – and they are not the smartest, even if though they may have two heads. When I got the idea to explore darkness as a chair, there were certain images that came – ice, sharp glass, thorns, black asphalt, splintered mirrors.

Back of chair

At first, it was naked, no green nature veils.Twice I somehow got too close to the mirror chards and my skull was cut badly. Lots of blood -“respect your work!”

Then some day I started to SEE green leaves sprouting from the legs

some of the thorns and leaves

Now the trust came – my job is to make visible the process of “darkness waking up and casting away its slough.

A huge release happened, and my heart opened wide for that dark part in us all that has lost all hope for light. My chair, though, has dared to allow Nature to melt into it – and the biggest change energetically came when I found the raw wool,stretched it thin and  adorned the chair with it.

I was doing this outside, on my terrace, and I still remember the hush in the air when The Holy entered the Chair.

The New Green

This was when I knew that some of the Queen bees had work to do on this chair. And that FUR had to be added

and OH the pleasure of adding the PEARL

There are now four Queens working and playing with it – three in the chair top and one crawling up one leg.


I would love to  hear from my dear readers: what beliefs have been most instrumental in keeping you small and limited? I know that for each of these beliefs that are let out in the free – openly showed here,  the Universe will join us in allowing them to be released

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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