Unraveling stories

 

Ley Tog is demonstrating how to do the forgiveness process lately on Facebook, and I am playing with it in bed this morning:

I have had a recurring annoying thing happening to me: The Post sending stuff I order on the web to a pick-up address I can’t get to. Well, I can, but it will take me 4 buses and a lot of waiting. It is the closest pick-up place -but only if I fly. And I have not been able to correct this via my computer OR phone.

What is the pattern here?

I have ordered – with the holy will and power that God gave me – to have huge blocks between what Leelah-child wanted and ordered. I have wanted and ordered blocks, lack, loss and limitation.

What does this remind me of in the past?

I/the Leelah in the dream/wanted abuse and rape to be acknowledged by my parents

She wanted the pain to be seen and acknowledged and not judged and ignored

She wanted to be believed – to be trusted that what she told them was true and had happened to her.

Truth is – I wanted, and ordered WITH the awesome power God has given us, to experience and live through these stories, and to use them to wake me up.

They have 🙂

While I am here in the unraveling process, I notice that my left nostril is completely blocked. I remember all the times with sinusitis and pain and antibiotics and doctors when I was child – and in particular one time when a doctor pushed, with great force and sadism in my perception, a metal rod with cotton wool with some stingy fluid on into my left nostril “to allow the pus to come out.”

It make a cracking sound. I thought it had broken into the brain, and sat waiting for death

I was 11 years old, I was there alone, and true to my own programming, I did not make a sound.

Just as I did not make a sound during the abuse or rapes – I was never “there” for myself. Now, psychologically, that was a good choice THEN – splitting off – since acquiring all the experiences in this life was adamant for my waking up from the illusion that any of it was God-created/God-affirmed.

I forbade any sound and sign of suffering to be heard – I forbade any comfort and love – WHY?

They all did what you wanted them to do. In the moment when the Son – you and everyone created in God’s likeness – had the tiny mad idea that it was possible to create outside of God – and that you even wanted to check this out – you went for it full blast, my love – lifetime after lifetime with playing all the victim-roles – and let’s not forget the other part of the coin: the inquisitioners, the torturists, the sadists, the abusers.*

Ah yes. All of that.

Exactly. All of that. You have – and everybody who reads this- already played out all the roles and had all the experience necessary of doing ANYTHING at all as a seemingly separated being. Enough already -don’t you think?

Definitely enough.

So the only reason there still seem to be suffering is that you still keep a belief alive that says suffering could be true and real.

The left nostril is slowly unblocking itself

I am allowing the bodily sensations to fully be there, looking with Jesus, and just now, writing about it, a deeper level of pain in the left sinus arises – the whole left side of my body seems to be involved. I invite it all to peak, and hear that this will peak many times – “in degrees possible to bear”. Deep gratefulness and relief.

What excellent creators we have been: whatever role we have chosen to explore within the separation realm we have explored to the fullest, and then picked “actors” to play out what we need to experience – whatever we have chosen, getting the knowledge and understanding we need to wake up from the belief that it happened in reality – outside of the dream of separation we created.

This is a dream of my own choice, and everybody is showing me parts of my self I still haven’t seen and forgiven. And the only reason I could not forgive and forget, was because I thought that God had anything to do with it, that it somehow was His Will that I be punished and punished some more.

What a hoot! As if God could do and be anything else than Love!

What a hoot that I or anyone “else” could be anything else than Love – we are ever only encountering what we still haven’t seen through and forgiven – and SMILED TO, recognizing that we are dreaming.

As long as I still believe in guilt, I will have a body that feels pain. But the Course reminds me that the pain is only in the mind: and so is this dream-world where I experience all the variations of god-and-lovelessness that the wrong mind thunk up.

*

I just looked at the newspaper. For the first time in my life I was not drawn into “the drama of the poor unjustly treated.” There is only One Mind – the dreaming seems to happen in a part of it. What I am looking at, is myself in all my roles – believing it to be Real and Truth. And such suckdom.

Looked at with Truth – Jesus – I have done it all and been it all and what I really am NOW is Home, looking at it, marveling, laughing at ever taking it seriously.

How utterly insane this world is. Right now, seen through with a Love that is without a seer.

I recognize the many times I have been here – and realize that each time it becomes more real to me, and the illusion becomes more dreamlike. I will be vigilant for ego thoughts and recognize them as lies – and give thanks for each experience that shows me where I still judge and identify.

Holy Father and Mother, writing the last, strong piercing pains shoot up in the left nostril, I sneeze and there is more light around me.

*

One minute after finished this, a dishonest comment on a Forum sent me swoop back into judgment.

What a relief to notice that this time there are no reproaches about that: just another opportunity to find the false perception and ask for correction. My attraction to ego is dissolving so sweetly

*That formatting happened on itself when I copied and pasted from Word. Nice touch,Blue:)

 

Doing nothing on my own

I am practicing doing everything with H.S
So this morning I tried to open a tube of homeopathic pills. Those tubes are really microscopic. I used a LOT of force and couldn’t open that damn tube. That was so ridiculous that I looked at myself and realized i had tried to open that glass all on my own LOL – so I said” I open this WITH H:S” and yes you guessed it.

Seems so small, doesn’t it – but for me, a HUGE teaching. I shall do NOTHING on my own, and truly practice The rules for decision.

So I asked “what do you want me to do?” and HS told me to go visit a gallery. I did NOT want to do that – and decided to do it anyway. And boy was that perfect! It was an exhibition about the Bauhaus-movement in the 30-50ies- they had experimental theater-videos of old strange stuff where people were dressed up with flat geometric forms which could move in all directions. The body was abstracted – the effect was uncannily strong.

And then I had ALSO dressed up this morning: I had removed the long knitted sleeves from a yellow sweather and made a cap from them, and wore colors much like these abstract figures in the videos wore – without having a clou that I was visiting a Bauhaus-exhibition. So 2 people told me I was one of the art-pieces there -which again affirmed that it was safe to dress up as far-out as I did, because i felt like it. The ego had strongly advised me to dress down, I looked just ridiculous.

The exhibition also made me realize the background and culture that my late husband came from, artistically – and the tradition he and I had worked in. It was amazing, I felt like a lost puzzlepiece finding its place in the great picture.

Ley’s post on Facebook today – and mirroring

For those who want a great example of how the “outer world” change when we forgive the Course-way, this is for you.

Yes, and obviously for me too – grin

Ley:Had a beautiful experience yesterday that I’d like to share with you. My son came over with his girlfriend and her 8 yr old daughter and we were having a lovely time. As the day wore on it was apparent that my son and his girl liked to play fight a lot. We were all laughing and watching them roll around, quite lighthearted and fun but then it kind of turned a bit more serious and you could see the power struggle going on between them. It more and more aggressive and no matter what I said, they just carried on and things came to a head when she kicked out at him and hit him square in the nose, accompanied by a big CRACK!

As i watched, i could see how angry he was and how worried she was at what she had done. He immediately called for pain killers and was making her feel very guilty for what she had done, telling her she had broken his nose. I could see the guilt on her face and she was saying that she felt so bad and kept apologising. He was storming around the flat, very clearly trying to calm himself down and not lash out as he was tempted to, it was all very clear.

As i was watching this, I noticed all kinds of judgements coming up in the mind. I was hearing these thoughts that were saying that this should not be happening, especially in front of a small child. Judgements came about how aggressive he was and also how aggressive she was too. There were thoughts that said she had gone too far and ones that thought she should know better than to allow her child to witness this level of aggression. They just came tumbling out of the mind, one after another. I just watched as the judgements flowed and asked spirit to watch this with me.

As I continued to watch what was going on, it suddenly became clear to me that I was watching the past. I was watching all my own judgements of similar situations playing out right in front of me. I had been a play fighter with my husband and very often it would go too far and someone would end up getting hurt (and there would be guilt). I had memories surfacing of thinking i was a bad mum for letting my children see certain things throughout their lives. I had memories of acting inappropriately in social settings, that i had felt guilt around. It all just bubbled up as i watched this display unfold in front of me. Spirit showed me that I was watching the past playing out in the present. They were all my old judgements of myself!

So instead of continuing and allowing the ego judgements to be believed, I was shown that there was another way of seeing this. No need for judgements, just recognition. I was being gifted with seeing my own guilt, right in front of me, looking like a bad situation in the dream but in reality, it was an opportunity to release and forgive all these judgements i’d had of myself. There is no one ‘outside’ of me to judge. This was my own stuff. Spirit was clearly showing me that what the body’s eyes were reporting was NOT the truth. All it took was to ask spirit to look with me and all of this unfolded and became so very clear to me. As I looked further, so many memories of the past came up, helping me to see where i had believed the judgements that ego had placed on them. I’d listened to the ego’s story and believed it and now, I could finally let that go.

It was like a tsunami of memories flooded the mind, all there asking to be healed. They were lining up to come and be heard. As I saw each one, I forgave it and forgave the whole situation in front of me too. I could see that this was indeed a HUGE gift to see what i was seeing and instead of my son leaving under a cloud of guilt or shame or even anger (or judgement from me), he left peacefully and we parted with a gentle kiss goodbye, not having designed more problems between us. It was peaceful and loving and felt so totally wonderful.(even if his nose was a little sore )

As I forgave, i could see the effect that it had on the situation. It calmed down so quickly, with us even ending up laughing about it. All i could do was sit in awe afterwards. I was just so grateful to have finally seen another huge chunk of what i had been holding in beliefs. The healing is still coming in now. Memories are flooding up to be seen with Spirit and forgiven, I am finally seeing what it was i had been hiding in the unconscious that was holding me in those patterns that told me i was a bad mum, a bad wife, a bad example, aggressive, power hungry, inappropriate.

I release all of these ideas now to spirit and know that more will come, now that I am welcoming them to my conscious mind. There’s no longer fear about allowing this to come. There is only recognition that in all the time i was resisting looking at what i truly believed about myself, all the guilt and the repressed anger and the judgements of me could come now, safely, without fear that I can’t bear to look at it. None of it was EVER true and now I’m truly beginning to see that all along i was just listening to a story that just wasn’t real. (Leelah’s formatting)

Grateful and blessed

This is what resting in God brings. I’m in!!!!

*

Dear Ley, this was really helpful! 3 situations seen through because of your post:

1)I went to the mall, had a coffee and had my first situation up for correction: a veryveryvery fat lady sat beside me, eating very fattening food. Oops judgment galore. Then she left the table – let her bag at the table. I finished my  coffee and went after her, and told her that she might not take the chance of leaving her bag there for everybody to steal. She looked right at me, smiled and said “there is nothing in it of value. I have  all my values here, with me.” – She carried her purse in her hand …

First I looked at the way I have believed that body-appearance had any thing to do with value. Oh boy. Forgave that. And remembered a very unexpected happening this morning.

I have been fasting 2 a week for a couple of months. I stated my intention to weigh 55 kilos – that’s the weight my body feels best with. Last time, 14 days ago when i stepped on that scale, the body weighed 57. I remember the way I felt when i said my decision: “I really prefer my body to weigh 55.” There was no urge there anymore.

Then I forgot the whole fasting for 14 days! The last week I have had very fattening food for at least 5 days – ice cream galore, pie,champagne:) fish swimming in cream and mango-chutney and carry  – all yum. So this morning I started the fasting again and stepped on the scales.

I had lost 4 pounds

The Course tells us that the food we eat does not fatten us – but our guilty beliefs about such food does.

*

2)Then I  encountered an old schoolmate 40 years ago. We happened to be subjected to rape by 2 Carabinieri -friends*- yes – i n  Florenz. Now we live in the same area, and she always looks down and away when we happen to meet. – What does she mirror for me? a denial of the possibility of sharing pain. We both said nothing to anybody afterwards. (We were on a study-trip as art-students.) I forgive myself for believing this happening showed a slutty character – which goes back to childhood, when I was accused of this. – Which again is so typical in abused people’s past.

Forgiven now.

*

Came home. A neighbor told me I needed to cut my lawnI said yes and went inside – and thought, no – this little meadow is a sweet piece of art to me: I can lay in it and look through the straw and enjoy life and beauty.

So  I went out and told her it is a piece of art –  and she said, in a complete change of mind, “it is like a fairy tale – like the times when we were small and were inside things..”

I asked her if she could sit down in it so i could photo her – clear no. Mirroring: As child, I would rather be dead that photographed. As I forgave myself for judging myself for this, the sweetest peace came over me. And my neighbor turned towards me and smiled

 

 

*Policemen

 

 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -bug

I got you!

I am only 69. Give me a break. I got it now: that lil bugger, sitting on the left side of the head, stretching down into the left side.

i got you!

You are the inner push: “i WILL-  I  M U S T   finish this NOW.”

Right now it means finishing simplifying my desktop, even though I felt a clear sign of “enough.” The enough said: enough doing. Now just allow yourself to be i n the sun and silence. The bug : ” you CAN’T let this stay looking messy.” And “You HAVE TO fisnish what you hgave started NOWNOWNOOOW”

Aha. Obsessive Compulsive symptom.

Typos? Great tool to use to catch the obsessiveness when it comes. Now I spot it  as an abrupt and harsh iron grip of muscles, a sickening head-ache – just empty as long as I don’t give it meaning and “importance.”

Wow. I just understood the Buddhist term emptiness.

EVERY”THING” is empty until I give it meaning

A want to share this with my fellow life-travelers. I just sit with it, witnessing the story of threats: you DIE if you don’t do this. You lose any trace of love if you don’t do this now. Ah, and this: “You lose respect from all of US when you leave this mess.”

Really? I mean,REALLY?

What a silly bug you are.

Oh the tensons dissipating. Oh you HAVE to correct that typo!

No.

I just sit here enjoying the tensions melting, and the stiffening and headaches in the left side just being allowed and witnessed and blessed and forgiven on the way out.

I as mind made this to “protect” myself at some time. And until now it has gone unnoticed

A nd I notice that this is what invisibly has stopped me from resting in God as a practice: as soon as I have sat dwon to do that, this invisible bugger has said(not heareble before now:)

And if you don’t feel or hear Him, he just isn’t there – but I AM HERE FOR YOU BABE

You old control troll

You have to get rid of all of this NOW!!!

No. You are dismissed. It is my pleasure to catch you when you visit today: just stop whatever I am doing, not judging, forgive myself for my creation, welcoming you as energy, embracing you,freeing you from any role,blessing you with the blessing of Christ

And….

no

that can wait:)

Junebug

One of my closest friends was going to spend some days with me, live here, play with me, in our Lent holidays. Before that, I sensed into our common field of old woman-patterns: the pleaser, the doing-good’er, the one who steps back and allow others to take advantage of her – because that is her only worth: this role of “taking care of.” And I am of course talking about the destructive part of this – “serving” from a the insane belief that this serving is what gives us value – not being willing to learn – yes, learn 🙂 – that our value is given us by God. It is who we are – being like It.

Thankfully I had a session with Kit the same day Nilandra should come. And we found out that being quite honest about my feelings really worked:

“Nil -this becomes too intense for me right now. I need to breathe. I really want to listen to you, to be with you – and I can’t do that before I am present. I need to breathe. Can you breathe with me?

I am thinking about what Einstein said: we cannot solve a problem on the level where it arises. We have to rise up and get a new view.”

Checking how this is for her – and if she asks, suggesting:

“We could just play a little – let’s play that you are telling me the story as if it were your dream.  Then we both would be on a witness/awake-level – and we would both listen to the story in a much more relaxed and present way – there would be distance to it.

What do you think?”

And already now we both are out of the old old old role pattern.

Now we can listen TOGETHER

There is such great freedom in this for me: no more “helper” and “helpee” –  now,two explorers listening to each other.

*

Kit adds at the end of the session: “For me, blaming is such a dead end. It is a punishment I give myself – a Sisyfos work – to advise,convince, be right,argue .”

And blaming is at the very core of the pleasing pattern –  what I call BIRD in “When fear comes home to Love.” *

*

She could not come – had to spend the day at the hospital with her sick old mother who was terrified and needed her there. And I am thinking, if this had been me – being where I am right now in my practice – I could just have been there, PRESENT, resting with God, not feeling responsible at all for the other’s wellbeing – just offering a hand, knowing we were both held in the hand of Love.

*

This morning I did not recognize that I was souped into ego-mode – old habit told me “this is how it IS.”  I went into the kitchen – there was an ugly black spider/lump on the upper end of the glass. The last days,lots of tinytiny flies had hatched there -size the ! point of this exclamation sign divided in 1o. That was a sign of attack too of course – I felt dirty, i took it personal. Yes. I know.So now I doused a tissue-paper with ammoniac, determined to squeeze the life out of that bug. I did that, and was brave enough to look at what was in the paper –

it was a June bug

It was eating all those little flies on the  window

it was not killed

I placed it on a big bunch of flowers I had picked yesterday and told it I was so so sorry

 

The eater of flies

Lovely lovely lovely

 

 

 

 

 

 

Signs from Mystery

Late signs:

1.sign.

In the living room, 2 days ago: I am looking at a painting I made some 10 years ago or so – and i see, in the very center of the Sun/Self a radiant rainbow-spot of brilliant pulsating light. Its source is a prism hanging in my window. The very second I notice the light in the center of the Sun, my cellphone sounds:it is a message from a healer: he is available for sessions this week.

I order a session 🙂

The effect has gone when I take this photo – but I am sure you can imagine the magical effect of that shimmering Light in the center of the Sun:

 

I have lately started a new workout-regime called TIMANI. We learn ways to stretch the Fascia- muscles inside the thighs – and boy has that had consequences for my nervous system to flare up in overwhelm.

A friend recently shared this on Facebook:

“… the things that I used to believe. But as they come, I gently take them by the hand and lead them to the Truth, where they gradually fade and disappear, leaving me in the peace that I have always been. I bring them to the Kingdom, where God gently wipes them away, as the dream that they always were and I am blessed beyond measure. Thankyou my Beloved, and the Truth will set us free. “

After digesting the truth in this, after two days in agony, suddenly a great clarity comes through me: This is just the old stories of the inner child, coming up to be released. In that moment, ca 80% of the agony dissipates.

This is from Jeshua from Way of Mastery – Radical Inquiry™:

“We cannot awaken unless we are willing to ‘turn back’ through Radical Inquiry™ and discover what has been rendered unconscious and cut off from awareness; there to greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

I practice this diligently

 Dream early yesterday morning:

It is Christmas Eve.There is a very angry and upset man banging on my door in my childhood’s home. He looks crazy and rather volatile. I lean out of the window, and smile with all my heart at him, asking him what he wants. He explains that he has a package to deliver, and I ask him in for a cup of warm cocoa. He comes inside, and I recognize that my smile is genuine: I truly care for him. This changes his demeanor completely.

When I wake up, I am reminded of the story about Milarepa and the demons that came visiting – and him inviting them in for tea. They melted too 🙂

2.Sign:

I enter my Healing room. Close to my seat a wasp has chosen its place to die. I have screens in front of all openings in my house – I am afraid of the effects of wasp-stinging.

The first wasp that I remember stinging me, played an important role in my exploration of an archetype I describe in “When fear comes home to Love:” “Bird.” Here is the start of that chapter:

It is midsummer. I am about five. I sit in the tall grass in front of our house. The air is heavy from sweet flower-fragrances and the dense humming from happy busy insects. A wasp stings my finger. It immediately swells, it hurts terribly, I scream and scream.

Mummy comes. My Mummy. She takes me in her arms and hugs me hard, she cries when she sees the bursting finger: “Pooooooor little Leelah!” … I sit and listen breathlessly to a story about chameleons. You can see it on the illustration in the book: there it sits on a branch, quiet as a mouse – it blends perfectly into the foliage… there comes the fat fly walking, and zing! The long tongue shoots out and glues itself to its victim. Yack! – There the chameleon jumps to another branch, the colors change. Look at his belly changing colors after the branch – and the back takes the pattern after the flowers above! Each millimeter of this animal can adapt to its surroundings.

My Mummy convinces me that this animal is not make-believe: it is for real. I am spellbound by the chameleon.

The figure carrying the chameleonic in the J&H-myth is the Bird:

“I must adapt to the family’s / the surrounding’s expectations and demands. My only reason for existence is making them satisfied and happy. Suffering is safe. I just have to eradicate myself and blend into the surroundings. I leave myself and take the others inside. I digest their pain. I hold on to it. No one must see it .I keep the family-secret. Myself? I need nothing.”

Now this wasp – this archetype of giving poison and pain – has made its way into my Healing room and given up life in front of my Place – no more an instrument of pain, now the sign of a surrender of an old role in my soul’ make-up.

I love that little wasp: I want to honor it and get the idea to draw an angel card: OBEDIENCE is the first. I place the wasp on it:it gave up his life as wasp in fron of this symbolic place of my Self. Oh how I love those surrendered outstretched wings.

I am then asked to draw two more cards – and I draw HUMOUR and BEAUTY.

3.Sign yesterday afternoon:

I am looking through old journals and taking photos. I am looking at a old drawing in my journal:

The kiss

 

In the same second I take the photo, an electronic doorbell sounds from upstairs – but this is not the sound I have chosen: it is much harsher.

I run up the stairs, the bell is still chiming in my room and there is nobody outside my door.

My mind had a strong energetic signal connected to that image when I drew it-  this time I was open for it. I do not know where it comes from – thank God I do not have to figure it out – but I can and will do what Jeshua suggests above: greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

AMEN