Only what is corruptible can die.

I awoke this early morning from the most disgusting feeling of being guilty. “Holy Spirit, help me clear this.” I was told to do the TAT-pose, and said the first statement: “Everything that led up to me resonating, identifying and connecting to this happened.” Spirit told me to breathe the connected breathing that Michael Brown describes in The Presence Process, and it immediately brought up such amounts of phlegm that I had to sit up. I remembered that the only way out is through, so I kept breathing. Then I was right inside a core-trauma: “I am dying – and if I die now, this insanity and violence will follow me as spirit after the body dies. I MUST NOT HAVE THIS FEELING, I WILL GO TO HELL”

Now there is a belief with consequences!:)

A wave of gratitude and feeling of waking up happened:

NOW I can feel it: this is just a memory, an age-old imprint that the personality has taken for real and therefore given creative power. It has had no power whatsoever to harm Who I am in Truth: I am here – now – willingly allowing the feeling to be integrated. So many times did this person believe she was close to death this life – and always did she judge and deny this feeling, with hellish consequences.

I cannot die. I am Presence shining through all this. Raging pain flares up everywhere in the body and dissipates. My left arm goes numb, my right hand feels like it is impaled. Thoughts about crucifixion comes up – and the Course’s teaching that we only feel pain as long as we identify with guilt. According to the Course, Jesus did not feel pain: He knew He was not the body, and He knew He was as God created Him:  Spirit – healed and whole and innocent.

How closely connected to the “me” is guilt. It/me cannot exist without it: the “me” is “proof” that separation is real

Without the “me”, the guilt has nothing to attach to

Thoughts of crucifixion come up again. I hear:

Only that which is corruptible can die. Spirit is forever.

The rest is innocence

Fear and Love

This is an excellent example of how Presence is talking through an EFT-tapping session

Thank you opens the door to Love

Michael Brown   writes in the Presence Process how the very process will bring to us wishes for contact from people from long time ago. Yesterday I met my first real friend in this life – Corinne: she phoned me and asked that we met. Her children had asked her to write about her life, and she remembered that she and I used to write stories together. These were stories about ghosts and skeletons! We started with this when we were 3 years old, and went on for a while, until we drifted apart because I moved away.

I still had that book, we met and  she saw it again – and pointed out that we had exactly the same handwriting.

Corinne is the daughter of an Anglican Pastor. Her home was my safe haven -and heaven -when I was small. Her parents were predictable, safe, loving, honest, straight – and her mother baked the bestest bread in the world, and was always available. Once, I was caught in a crazy wind right outside the Pastors house, 3-4 years old and alone.The pastor spotted me from the window, ran out, scooped me up into his arms and ran back into the house with me. It felt exactly as God’s arms. And of course it was.

Now Corinne and I reminisced about how real and alive those stories felt when we made them. And we made them exactly the way I work with stories with patients in my therapist practice today: the story sits in the air and enters us and we both take turns in seeing what happens next.

Corinne told me about her marriage with a wonderful man – happy in his work, with his children, always joyful. She showed me a photo, and thinking about it makes my hair stand up: this is somebody who completely embodies JOY. She tells me that they have been married for 45 years, have 3 children and 5 grandchildren, she likes – and loves – them all. She does not lie: there is a peace emanating from her when she speaks.

In this moment, I think: maybe it IS possible for me to receive love from a man who will NOT turn into a devil when I last expect it. She has done that – and she was my first and best friend – may there be a mirror here?

In the evening I had a Skype session with dear Caren. There was a cramp like pain in the abdomen, and she asked “Could you say thank you to it?”

In the same second I said yes – recognizing that I  do want to befriend what is, not hate it. There was a silent and radiant expansion, like a closed door opening – there was radiant light and joy around me, and I heard a “thank you” from inside – like from a prisoner being let out in the light, realizing that he may have done heinous acts, but they were done from fear and belief in separation, and he sees that in reality, his spirit is free and has always been.

My own belief in the value of self-punishment is once again seen as meaningless and silly –  I also deeply recognize that everything that has happened to this one through incarnations, I have brought upon myself by bringing my beliefs into the ego thought system of sin, guilt and fear. Now I have a deep intention of recognizing the thoughts, and immediately bringing them to the correction of Spirit in my mind, before I attach a belief and an “I” to them.

Today, I received this wondrous video in my mailbox. What a great synchronicity

http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=2046

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Proving the separation real

The last days, after the anger-trance I described recently, I have felt strong identification with the whole emotional trigger theme. Thoughts and stories about life-threatening men caught in immense anger-trances have become so very real. While I have had glimpses of freedom – the timeless moments when I know I am into an old ego story – the majority of time has been spent in agony of identifying with the “victim-me” in those stories.

Today I realized: “Oh – I just thought I needed to prove that separation is real.”

There was an immediate release and laughter – and days-old energy fields of agony fell away.

Seen from this place, I see stories of terror in the mind, reflecting memories from this childhood and umpteen incarnations, now placed on Peter and me.

Next time the stories come again, and I find myself spinning myself into them, and planning how to survive Peter and foresee his acts and prepare and control and make it all real -let me remember this: I – ego really – is doing its best to prove that separation really happened.

Let me clarify: This is in no way denying any possibility that Peter may become violent  and do harm – to me and others, when he gets triggered. BUT: he did not attack any of us physically, AND he immediately came back to his loving self when met with love. AND I choose to believe in that – until any proofs of the contrary.

 

 

Framed

What I love about Haikus  is essence’s ability to allow the mind to create vast images and stories. Writing “stories” I see I really mean Depth and Space. They help me find my deep deep breath, living in the heart, welling up to meet me, allowing me to feel alive and Here. Ah the Here is all is it about.  The “Framed”  was very helpful: when I look out of my window now, I can choose to frame something – and instantly it comes into the Here. Now.

Here’s an example of such a Presence Miracle:

Framed –
Sea Eagle
On blue canvas

If you want to subscribe to Mal’s site, click on the above link

 

Birds

Here is the awesome Emiliana Torrini:

“Let’s get awake -“

“Oh I cant take care of this, you do it for me”

I experienced this morning the clear choice between ego and Self. With ego, it was a conviction that I should stand up to somebody: my Buddhist teacher told me this a LOT. “If somebody bullies you, you need to find your power and answer from that power. That will teach them.”

I have a good friend who visits me now and then.He also does something deeply subconscious and symbolic: he does not flush the  toilet when he has visited it – so I have to do it for him, when he has left. In other words: he symbolically leaves his waste – sh*t if you will – for me to deal with.
This again is deeply symbolical for the very concept of projection “I can’t deal with it, so I give it to you.”

Ego wants me to point this out to him, and to demand that he takes care of his own  waste. Love says to me:” yes, I could do this – BUT IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.”

Hearing this, great joy welled up in me: what I want, is not to be right – the one who blames and points out faults. I want to remain in truth, and come from Love.

Immediately I sensed what I would do the next time he comes – and luckily, I have an old toilet who will  be on my side here LOL: It simply needs to be treated with care, and the  flusher needs to be lifted up with care and attention- So next time he does his thing, I will notice it ( no flushing sounds) and then I will take him by the hand and show him that the toilet is full ( sorry for the graphics) and tell him that he needs to really check that all has been flushed down.
In that way, he will  not feel blamed and wronged, and he will certainly get the symbolic message that he needs to take care of this operation of getting rid of old waste himself.

Having been shown this, I  fell into a big peace. THIS is what I want – and this I is NOT the ego-I-who wants to do the correct psychological procedures to find her power.

I see that I am addressing an age-old habitual repressing-pattern: I CANT HANDLE THIS;YOU DO IT FOR ME.
And if we DO do that – “help” people who has exactly the same potential as the helper – we will keep each others in the same destructive false patterns of victors and victims.

The ego has told me I have to TELL HIM this so he understands it.
As if understanding has anything to do with realization.
It DOES have to do with control, though 🙂

Just having a little fun

We all poor sucked out sig-butts, let's stick together

We all poor sucked out ones, let’s stick together

Integration of emotional signature

– and what a gift this is!

I had a couple of close friends for dinner. Afterwards, I invited them to see the French film “The untouchables.”  

The film starts with Driss – a huge African-French man – being extremely rude to a paraplegic man. And Peter stands up from the sofa, looking crazy with anger, and tell us he will NOT see this movie and that the director is doing something abominable to accept such behavior and “advertise it” in the movie.

Betty and I try to reason with him – it is impossible to reach him: whatever we say, is met with the same anger at  what he sees as a consent of disrespectful behavior. “If I had a gun I would shoot him!” says Peter, and I don’t find any words – I am in my story – a big man is going amok with anger in front of me and I cannot reach him.

The Betty says, with a clear voice: “Now – we calm down. We calm down.” She walks over to Peter and puts her arms around him. She tells him to just do what he needs to to take care of himself, and that she and I will see the movie.

I see him coming to his senses. A light is turned on in him – and he says: “Now I can see the movie.”

No reasoning at all could reach him. Only Love, letting him know that what he was feeling was NOT judged in any way, was not wrong.

We saw the movie to the end, and Peter laughed at the same places where Betty and I laughed, and enjoyed Driss’s transformation.

Afterwards Betty asked me if I got afraid at Peter’s outburst. I thought about it – and said no.

But after they had left, the entrance-light went out, and suddenly I felt how strong terror I felt. As soon as I acknowledged it, the light came on.

I recognized that Peter was a messenger, and the message was touching energetically this old fear in me of a crazy-angry father who could not be reached, and who soon would turn into a monster who would attack me. And Betty showed me that all it took to bring him out of that trance was unconditional acceptance and love – AND also that we would not sit and pamper his anger: we would see the movie.

But his feelings were seen as acceptable! And the loving hug allowed him to not feel any guilt at all about it. And the whole  emotional imprint in me came up to the surface, brought up seconds of strong shivers and crying – and then the emotional charge was gone.

And all that is left is gratitude for the process – and  a deep appreciation that I am taken care of by Presence.

The movie-theater-train

Two wonderful helpful dreams this morning

In the first, I am in my childhood-area – and again, on the middle place between the house/home and the train to the center/Home. Good to notice! There I find an almost dead female cat. I instantly decide that it is my responsibility to feed her and save her from dying.

A very angry female doctor intervenes and tell me to stop pampering to the cat’s insistence to eat only special food and that she must have my help to survive. “Tell me more!” I say – this resonates strongly with truth for me. And I see: she -the cat -really is responsible for her undernourishment: she just refuses to eat what is healthy for her. In short – she wants pampering for her role as a poor- almost -dying -starving- for- love-cat.

Now this sounds very familiar: I still remember my mother frequently reflecting to me this poor poor me and poor poor you-role – and I grabbed it gladly: it meant tenderness, warmth, “love.” And it sure kept that role alive in me. So good to SEE it now: it IS a role, an emotional signature only. Dropping the story and being with the emotions is my choice – and forgiving both my mother and myself for it.

In my wake-state, I notice the feelings I had in the dream/inner movie when I tended to the almostdying cat: I kept her from dying. I provided LIFE for her. Did that make me special or what! And also nice! Kind! Generous! Loving! And let’s not forget POWERFUL! Almost like God.All very pleasurable roles – and all of them from the ego thought-system: none of them reflecting reality.

I recognize how easy it is to be addicted to the role as “savior” – how welcome to float into this pattern and away from the non-welcome victim-role in my childhood.

The very root of this role springs from unreality – we believe in thoughts that say “ this is the way you find love.” It is certainly not unconditional love – how could it be? Our parents inherited the scars from their parents – and so on back to beginning. But the only way to receive care and tenderness in the world is to keep the poor me going: I see clearly how humanity has needed this pattern of specialness to continue – to avoid the knowledge of the Self and Unity.

This now is the only place where we can choose to see it and let it go.

What an opportunity for healing it is to include all of that in THIS ONE HEART we all share – in this NOW. Being integrated and welcomed at last – not as mental story, as emotional pattern.

The last thing I give over is the feeling of shame – ego’s shame of not being right – of being seen through

*

Next dream:

I am in a huge vaulted dome-like cinema – it resembles our biggest movie-theater, but is even bigger: the Coliseum. A symbol of collective journeying in the imagination/mind – and one of the Course’s main symbol of a life in the world as seemingly separated beings.

This movie theater is – at the same time – a bus or train that will take us to our chosen goal. I know this after waking up – seeing that there are no movie-chairs in red velvet, but a simple old-fashioned train-bench. We are traveling as the same time that we are looking at the movie – we are conscious of the dream while we are dreaming.

My daughter and son-in-law are entering, and I point to “my” bench and call out:” there’s place for you here – take it! “And they do, right in front of two other stalling people who can’t make up their mind where to sit.

We have bought tickets to a little town, translating as Truevillage.  My dream maker – Jesus( I have asked him to do this) does not waste a single symbol:)

We ahave all bought tickets – so why not enjoy the ride? And the movie?

Will we recognize that Presence is the scriptwriter and director?

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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