massive guilt exposed and forgiven

I awoke with piercing pains in my solar plexus. It reminded me of pains in this area before: crazy pains for days. This time  I feel certain that it is the same theme, but much closer to the surface.

So I relax with it. Sit down, sink inward, willing to connect.

I think of my daughter and me: I gave her some poems for Christmas – written by me – to some easter eggs she had made.I later got the idea that she owed me to tell me how she liked them…fishing for praise.Those thoughts did not feel good: I knew that when  I feel I “have to” have proofs of validation and love from somebody outside of me, I am on the wrong track: ego is vying for supremacy.

I told myself that I did not need her to tell me ( or praise the poems) but it seemed that my psychology did not agree with my thoughts.

I opened the Course:

LESSONS 361 to 365.

This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You,certain that Your direction gives me peace.

W-pII.361-5.1. And if I need a word to help me, He will give it to me. 2 If I need a thought, that will He also give. 3 And if I need but stillness and a tranquil, open mind, these are the gifts I will receive of Him. 4 He is in charge by my request. 5 And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.

As I sank into the depths of the pain, I saw that I was trying to make her guilty. I opened the Course randomly:

V. The Choice for Completion

T-16.V.1. In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. 2 Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone. 3 All these must be understood for what they are. 4 Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty. 5 I have spoken of this before, but there are some aspects of what is really being attempted that have not been touched upon.

I am attacking myself. It sinks in. Slowly tears come. The pain lessens immediately.

T-16.V.2. Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God. 2 For the ego would have you see Him, and Him alone, as guilty, leaving the Sonship open to attack and unprotected from it. 3 The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. 4 It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it and why, you will realize what it must be.

T-16.V.7. Most curious of all is the concept of the self which the ego fosters in the special relationship. 2 This “self” seeks the relationship to make itself complete. 3 Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away, and tries to “trade” itself for the self of another. 4 This is not union, for there is no increase and no extension. 5 Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. 6 And he feels guilty for the “sin” of taking, and of giving nothing of value in return. 7 How much value can he place upon a self that he would give away to get a “better” one?

I see clearly how much I have clinged to  having others being guilty – and how much manipulation lies in it. And I remember my best friend as children: it seemed to be a partnership where I was the leader. When we as adults were dining out, the waiter always came to me first. I had no idea why then – but now i see that we played this game: I get to decide and you get to follow. I sense how transparent this collusion was to me.

She couldn’t take it any longer 30 years later, and exploded. And only now can I get in touch with all the invisible unconscious ways the “leader” weaved the leading net around the leadee – who silently unconsciously consented.

Suddenly a thought of an obnoxious man from a workshop came into my mind. We ( I was not alone in feeling this) could sense him spinning cords to our solar plexus and dragging us in, sucking our energy. A perfect energy-vampyre. People around him – me included – felt intense rage.

Now i see that in my mind, I subconsciously  may do the same energy-dance of manipulating when i am to afraid of asking for what i want, and “get” people to give it to me by manipulating them subconsciously and energetically.

I feel no guilt about that at all. Slowly I sense the forgiveness for Ulrich coming up: we were both just afraid, and caught in the same pattern. When we know better, we do better.

That was what removed the last traces of the pain. It has been impossible to not hate and judge Ulrich – until I see that it is in me too.

Christmas – Coursish

This is from 22.of December:

Clear insight that when I have a nightmare of insanity, “I” am in no way threatened. There IS no “little insane girl” – but there is a belief there is. There IS a story – and when it plays out in the nightmare, it is no more real than anything else here in the shadow-world. “I” don’t have to deal with it psychologically any longer – it just comes up to be forgiven and released.

When I see this, the energy-release is formidable.

December 23:

Same sort of dream – insane people coming after me. Blue says:

“The something in you that is terrified of being guilty looks for somebody to project it on. What better to find than someone who seems to be insane: those who seem insane will go  on being insane – and so they are available as projection-carrier. Watch yourself holding “the insane someone” responsible for taking your peace away. Know that your lack of peace lies in your unwillingness to see her as innocent.”

December 24:

I have prepared Christmas celebration meticulously 🙂 : my daughter and her sweetheart are coming  and sleeping over. Many meals have been prepared, all is clean. They are late, and my daughter suggests, calling from the car, that they are not hungry and dont’t want food when they arrive.

Oops – the  logistics are crumbling. I feel big tensions arising: I have to have them follow my plan if everything shall be harmoniously arranged. I realize that is a set up for disharmony. I forgive the plan, my daughter, my self, and bless the situation. Immediately I get ideas of how this can be re-arranged, if necessary. Flexibility is possible. I decide that I do not want to keep the anger and hatred I sense boiling inside – and in a poof it evaporates.

When they come, I am all willingness to be spontaneous – and my daughter looks at me, gives me a warm long hug and tells me that they would love to eat what I have prepared.

The day and evening with food and presents and Christmas-carols around the tree is wonderful.We laugh a lot and eat too much. My new (expensive) silk blouse is dashed with melted candle-wax all over the front -and its not a big deal, really. ( The day after I ironed it with coffee-filters which sucked up the wax – and then I washed it. Now it is spotless as new again. Last year it would have ruined the evening.)

Last night – to December 26th – I experienced a barrage of poisonous thoughts and energies. I opened a wise-word-notebook and read: “You will experience Truth when the noise no longer distract you, because you no longer imagine it TRUE. It has been your “pretending” that grants existence to the fragmented pictures of imagination. Why would pretending the inverse be more difficult? You pretend that fear, death and suffering are real. I merely ask that you pretend otherwise.”

All the poison immediately evaporated.

I think I have borrowed this from a blog called “Life Attract.”

Later in the day, taking a walk, I was aware of the one hate-and-anger thought after the other – they were queuing, argumenting for their importance. I found that I did not WANT TO latch onto them – did not want to give them time and space. It was a clear choice.

How big the difference is – between pushing the hatred away and wanting to think a nice thought instead – and truly choosing to not give it any importance.

Thank you Blue for all the help through these tough days.I am grateful!

 

Circle closed

Skype-session with Kit. She is one minute late, and complains about a strong ringing tone after we have connected. She hangs off, tries again – and the stress is still there. She says she needs to give the PC more time – and after  a few minutes we connect without any digital disturbances. We become aware – again – of the ways our electronic equipment has given us feedback if there is any disturbance in  the quality of our connection: If there are some subtle fear-patterns present, Skype let us know immediately, and we can find the places where we believe in voices from the wrong mind. This time we both had the idea that we “had to” complete something we were doing right before our appointment. Very subtle pattern of believing in the importance of “being stressed.”

We love these signs  – and  that they are dependable. Apropos signs, I share the story of the Angel who crushed the lizard yesterday -and that my first reaction was, “NO! It is so beautiful!”

I  also share that I have had yet another recurring nightmare where I am in the presence of an insane unpredictable man who is out to get me – and the terror of this.

Kit reminds me of what I write in my book “When fear comes Home to Love”: Whatever we identify with, we protect and preserve. And whatever I say I love or fear or hate, I say has something to do with “me” = identification. I tell myself that there is something in me who wants to keep this insane evil- and that creates tremendous guilt. It is not “allowed” to “have” such a part which wants to hang on to evil!

“There is no space for this part” says Kit.

I realize that the part that wants to hold on to insanity and pain is insane. No wonder that I have this part – these memories of a tortured child that I called me. No wonder she/I/got insane.

AND:

Instead of judging her, I can love and forgive her.No wonder she became insane! It is a marvel that she survived at all -and she did because she had support from  her Self all the time, although she  was not aware of that.

If there is something I need, it is my own love and forgiveness. I need to truly come home to my Self.

Now this can be included.No separation.

*

I am talking about the extraordinary gifted artist from Sri Lanka who sculpted the lizard in the masterful form. His ability to truly allow the energy and form of any animal to come forth through his hands and into the glass AND at the same time maintain his center is what I find beautiful. You have to maintain your Center if you are able to contain all these shapes/entities/spirits.

I have that same ability to allow any “form” into me and “read them” –  and when insanity has come, I have told myself that I am not doing it “right” since the body and nervous system feels so tremendously painful.

“If you start to believe in what the insanity are saying, and have not come Home to your Self – then these dark forces get space to grow inside you.” says Kit. And I see that – and that this part inside who identifies with the insanity and the victim-hood, is the one who needs and shall have my forgiveness and love.

“And THAT is what the Angel wanted you to see” says Kit.

YES. These pains in the body CAN BE THERE even though I am Home in my Self.

*

I walk into my living-room. I want to save the half-crushed salamander from the garbage-can as a sign of my new perception. A book falls down from the same shelf and hits me in the lip – at the exact tiny black spot in my  upper lip where an old wound has been encapsulated. I bow down and take the book: an art-book from a beloved artist: “The almost forgotten” by Kurt Johannesen.

Thank you, sign-giver. Only almost, but not completely.

I have an impulse to pull another book out and open it randomly. It is a book about signs 🙂 and myths, and I open it to a myth about “Tokk”, and old witch from Northern Mythology.

When Balder – our equivalent to Jesus – was hit by an arrow of mistletoe, he dies and is sent to the underworld. Now, there is a law that says that if the whole world cries for Balder, he will be resurrected.

Tokk declines.

“I have no more tears to cry” she says. “When has anybody noticed my tears? let Hel ( god of the death-world) keep what she has. Me guilty of your predicament? don’t get me laughing.”

*

From The wizard of Oz ( just found this on the D.U.group.) Thanks, Swissmoon!

Dorothy asks Glinda, the Good Witch, “Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?”

“You don’t need to be helped any longer,” A smiling Glinda answers. “You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.”

“I have?”

“Then why didn’t you tell her before?” Scarecrow demands.

“Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.”

The Tin Man leans forward and asks, “What have you learned, Dorothy?”

“Well, I . . . I think that is . . . that it wasn’t enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em . . . and that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn’t here, I never really lost it to begin with.”

And there it is

angel crushes lizard

This morning,  just as I  was walking into the living-room, there was a loud crash. An angel an artist and teacher had made to me  – telling me it was my guardian angel – fell down on a glass-lizard and broke its one hand and tail off. This was an exquisitely beautiful crafted piece of art – but it was still a lizard.

broken lizard

Me, being fond of symbols, saw that my guardian angel – a symbol of Love – had crushed a lizard – a symbol of dark resistance to Love.

In many traditions, the lizard-family stand for the more devilish creations and make a psychic influence on people who has been in touch with grave abuse or violence in any way. I have been visited by them in dreams for many years. So the fact that it was broken by my  angel symbolizes for me that at last I believe MORE in angels than in reptiles 🙂

Indian levitation

I was having a cafe-meeting my favorite niece yesterday – kind-of-a daughter . We talked about our daughters. I mentioned the guilt I still felt about being a  not good-enough -mother to her – and suddenly I saw that I was guiltless, like a veil was drawn away. Chris looked at me smilingly and noticed something evaporating. Me too.

At home, I was feeling hyper and did an energy-medicine routine : I sedated the triple warmer meridian: that’s the one being in charge of the fight/flight- mechanism. In my case, and for most people I think it is working overtime.

The triple warmer also takes strength from the spleen, which is not healthy. So after sedating the TW, I strengthened the spleen. And for the first time in at least 7 years, the effect was instant and beautiful: the most radiant peace descended on me. It felt like somebody had sucked out all craziness from my energy system/nervous system.

Suddenly wild crying started. It came in bouts – all through the rest of the evening. The crying felt like it belonged to someone having been freed from tremendous pressure and coercion.

I had several strong dreams that night, and remember only the last 2 ones:

1) I sit in my car and watch a wondrous waterfall. The foam reaches my car, and I sense its vibration through the car – like a motor, very strong. Writing this, i think about the crying-bouts last night.

This water – or crying – is healing – without doubt.

2)I am on a world-convention in India. We are there to be helped by enlightened teachers to wake up and choose God. I watch one of them levitate: he shoots up in the air – he certainly does not believe himself being a body! Then he descends graciously, sitting in lotus-position, and sinks into a little pool of water before he ascends, shaking the water from his head.

I ask him, “Did you hurt yourself?”He is so radiant, beautiful and wise. He stands very close to me, and  I understand that the water somehow is a mid-station in the levitating-process.

His body radiates warmth, and Spirit – unlimited wisdom, gentleness, kindness. It is all around me. He tells me in his sweet Indian accent that I have a wonderful aura that is 3 auras in each other – I can see it when he tells me, it is a beautiful sight – but there is also a guilt-part that tells me that can not own something so beautiful, it is conceited…oh this old unworthiness-thought.

Still, I listen more to him – it is impossible not to.

“Please don’t take this in a wrong way” he says – “but maybe it is time that you begin to make a move closer to the border.”

Holy Spirit, please help me move in the way you told me in the dream –

I LOVE that you come as an Indian Master

I am going to sedate the TW again, and strengthen the spleen

 

the beaver: “I am real”

the Beaver-movie

I just saw the Beaver for the second time. it is a great Course-movie! Mel Gibson plays the father with a heavy depression – read separate-identity – and uses a hand-doll to speak for him, to manage his tremendous inability to connect with love -and himself.

The clou happens when the beaver tells Jack that he is REAL! And only HE can save him…

very worth seeing – I am sure you will find many ahas here –

 

 

This seems to

Re-connected

So – the technician/ cable connector to Source/ was here with his apprentice…I was reminded of the Wizard and his clumsy little apprentice in “The Sorcerer’s apprentice” /Paul Dukas – in Disney’s” Fantasia. He connected my new stove to the socket/source – and I felt like new.

Well, not quite 🙂 – but slowly, it dawned on me that I felt different, and  a loving voice inside repeated throughout the day “I am now connected to Source.”

Yes I know I am connected to Source – always, as the Holy Son of God – and that connection is certainly not dependent on a physical cord. But symbolically, this has a big effect on me:  the old “energetic cord” between my earthly  deceased father and me has been severed and replaced with one I choose.

The day after, I was in observer mode from morning to bedtime. All was seen with Love. In the night, the light was present. Today, the connection to the old identity was very near, but a few Sedona questions sufficed to put me back in connection with Love again: my awareness of the old identity was  able to embrace it.

Then I read in the main paper an article about one of our black citizens – origin was from Kongo, but has lived here always. She had been assaulted on the street: a drunk woman had screamed to her husband:” Kill her! kill her!”

She broke an arm and was badly hurt, but not dangerous.

She told a journalist that some time before that, she worked in a flower shop, and a man had yelled invectives at her and told her she looked like somebody from the slavery-times. She came home to her young son, shocked and angry, and he reminded her of what she had told him:

“Mammy, you told me that we have to forgive to win. Do the same, and remember that people have equal worth with different upbringing.”

She said: “I was whole again.”

I think this is for me a wonderful essence of forgiveness: seeing the same worth in all is the same as seeing everybody as the Son of God – and remembering the  upbringing – the different scripts and experiences – as NOT who they are, but what they have to struggle with.

In essence:

“Different upbringing – same value.”

Those words have helped me change my perception again and again today.

Watching separation as a dream

I am doing Sedona and Skypeing with Mary. I am in agony, have been sleepless with strong cramps yet another night.

Soon I notice that I am spacing out. The shift happens when I allow myself to space out: no wanting to fix it, understand why, or judge it at all – it is just so.

Then I see how identified  am with that suffering “me” who is spaced out: about 99%. I will NOT disappear, dissolve, die – that will mean insanity to “me.”

I am noticing the thoughts, allowing them to be.

“Could you just allow yourself to be the Love for all those thoughts?”

yes

Could you allow yourself to be the Love for all that out-spaced-ness?

yes

Could you allow yourself to to be the Love in which all these houghts and identities  and sensations seem to come and go?

yes.

*

No wonder the agony is so acute when I identify with all these spaced-out parts, disintegrating, running away in fear. This moment, I know that the story itself is just a thought that I can choose to attach to – or just observe.

When I observe, all the aches and pains and the deep tiredness has gone.

Identity is all.This was separation de luxe.

the crack

The saga of the stove continues – and my necessary surrender to hear Blue’s Voice. The ego is suck a slick type, knowing how to modulate its voice sweetly.

I am thinking it might be smart to just call the stove-shop and ask for another stove – one with a cord and a plug.

OR – I could just call the producer of the stove and ask for a technician to come and attach a cord.

I call them, and hear that a technician will be asked to call me back. “In half an hour” he says.

He does not. So I feel the usual pressure to make something happen NOW – and allow the feeling of intense pressure. Sit down with it, being willing to wait for the right answer to become clear.

Logic wants me to do it right – “exchange the stove.” And still – that calm small Voice asks me to just sit down and rest – and reminds me that I have all I need, Love’s presence is always here.

I find out that I can relax completely. Either he calls back – then, fine with cord – or not: I will ask to have the stove changed.

But  no stress. I can even wait until tomorrow.

The then phone rings – and the cord-man tells me they are in my area tomorrow, and can come by.

I take that as a sign:-)

I walk to the bus station. It is slushing – the little shed is filled with people. I take a big breath and walk inside it to be dry – and they smile, to me and each other, and  I suggest that this is just like in an elevator: we CAN stand so close. Relaxed giggling around me. (Norwegians are usually not so very happy with (foreign)bodies close.)

I love this image of the closeness of our group under the little shed. Warm, intimate, people are starting to talk to each other.

I am busing to a  senior-cinema in town – ” A Dangerous method” – about Freud and Jung and Sabina Spielrein. They have dramatized one of the great  scenes between the two giants:

Freud calls Jungs belief in more than science mystisism and superstition – Jung accuses him of being rigid. There is a loud crack in the room – and Jung tells him that his midsection is glowing, and that that caused it. Freud poohs it away, Jung says: it will happen again – and it does.Freud becomes so scared and frightened by these psychic phenomena that he faints.

The crack is in my view the crack between science’s way of seeing the mind and soul as something that is explainable with scientific laws – and Jung’s belief that the psyche is religious in its essence.

Very interesting movie.  I recommend it.

Clicking publish, I am met with a flashing sign, congratulating me with publishing my 310th post. And a quote:

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe. — Gustave Flaubert

Bonanza

Was moved to turn on the TV this morning. A sweet and sad  black boy was asking a white rich man to help his father. The white man said he thought the father would think it was charity – it would not work.

The boy bowed his head and looked devastated, and left.

Next scene: Love is having fun – It is turning all concepts on the head.

The rich white and rather fat man enters the poor black man’s house. They are lying around, looking devastated. They do it really well. The white man enters, and asks the black man to show him how to farm, on a farmland the white man owns but has  neglected. The black man says he does not want any charity. The white man says he would like to partner with the black man. The black says: ” But …you are white!” The white man says:  “Maybe white men could farm too?”  which is a rather surreal answer in this context. The black man grumphs and repeats that he does not believe in charity… and the white man turns the tables, saying “I promise I’ll be a good worker.”

It took quite a while before I understood that it was the white farmer who saw himself  receiving charity.

The look on the black man’s face when he understood that  this  conversation was turning the roles upside down was priceless. I saw generations of judgments and expectations crumbling in that little conversation.