Chocolate

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me  for quite some years, and it was forbidden  – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened  again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.

There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –

For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.

I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.

And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊  to BE with that girl from the past.

I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.

This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency –  and the entities and beings there were hell-like.  So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.

Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing  NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.

They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.

And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* :  I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.

And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.

Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.

So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.

Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”

And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left

***that link did not work. here is the url: https://www.christmind.info/t/wom/

Metal and Grief

Hi all – I have been in a state of energetic hold lately that is simply hellish. After many hours I remembered  to open my own book at the night table – When Fear Comes Home to Love –( see right column) and found the answer – which for the thousandth time or more tells me that it is not the emotions/feelings/pain/energy  that is the problem – it is the way I identify with /relate  to all of it.  The words in italics come from Blue, my inner guide.

 

This is not YOURS – it is mind stuff. It is a force field generated by the collective unconscious. Within this force-field is your denied protest and forbidden anger from your childhood and youth – completely cut off from your awareness. Please note that you carry insane anger from your father and your other tormentors too. Your denial of the energy – “this does not happen” – demonizes it and attracts negative entities and thought-forms. This is nothing special about you: all humans unwittingly add to the demonic fields by judging and repressing their negative feelings, instead of just feeling them. Just start to notice the sensation of “me” and “my” in connection to feelings: this structure, this identifying with the “someone” you think you are – the ego – creates the darkness .The ego thrives on this. Just notice the energy of the anger now, without telling yourself it is YOURS – just forgive all that drama. You don’t have to DO anything – just notice it as it is in the body: ”ah – anger “– and see “the demonic” fall away like dirty old snow. It will have nothing to stick to any longer, as soon as you give up identification with it
***

After reading this, I was led to Eden Energy Medicine website – a group where we can share what needs to be healed/transformed and helped by Eden Practitioners. There were two videos there that helped me move out of that horrible vortex of hopelessness, and so I wanted to share it with my readers.

here is Prune Harris:

and here is Melanie Smith:

Much love!

Looking with Love

When you have made a clear intention of waking up, you will be supported by your own Divine “team” that is always with you. In my team is Jesus/Jeshua, St.Germain, Archangel Michael, Avalokiteshvara, the Marys, Quan Yin and quite som others – all have been involved in guiding me in different ways. There are also some guardians who love to play – and there are few things I enjoy more than strange and hilarious synchronicities that show up. They WILL show up for you too, when you make the clear decision to wake up: I am willing to see things differently, as A Course in Miracles hammers in in the first lessons: I am willing to see with the eyes of love – Christ Vision, Jeshua calls it.

Here is a case-story* where Blue** plays with us:

4 Looking with love / 2006

When Maria arrived for session, I sensed a shock in her system. When I directed her attention to that, she immediately became ice-cold. We found out what year the shock had occurred, and she realized that this was a shock she had picked up from her mother. The shock was lodged in her sexual organs. She remembered that her mother had been very anxious in those years, and that her fear had been about having another baby – she already had three. So she aborted the fourth one.

When we removed the emotional shock-charge, she felt warmth and release, and we both felt grounding and safety.

But Mud***did not like this. “What if this does not last? What if tomorrow everything is like before? I will NOT let down my guard. Nope! You can’t make me!”

Now I asked Maria to speak for the skeptic Mud, and inside me I suddenly found much love for this voice: I saw it as the part of us that vigilantly did what we had ordered it to do: look out for anything that could set off the original dreadful life-threatening shock – going into the familiar role of terrorized victim. So we started with thanking Mud for his love and loyalty for us – and suggested that now that we had found a method that could remove the charge from the shock, Mud could go into pension – or at least get some holidays. “He” thought a bit about that, but was afraid to disappear if he didn’t work as much as before. When I asked him what he really would love to do for himself, if he could chose, he told us that he loved beauty. I invited him, via Maria, out into my garden, to pick one living thing of beauty and bring it back with him. From the door to the garden “he” spotted it immediately: a dandelion. It was one of the not- perfect-ones, but beautiful all the same. Maria picked it and brought it back into the room. When she sat down, I “saw” Maria’s deceased mother pointing to Maria’s black purse on the floor, asking her to look inside. I mentioned it to Maria, and she started looking – nothing – and then a big smile: “Here it is. At the bottom.” She managed to list out a bunch of keys. “These are the keys to my childhood-house.”

Beautiful metaphor: “I have the key to my childhood with me / within me.”

Now I asked Maria to write a short text about her experience with the beauty of the dandelion. She wrote:

“When I look at you – the weed – I see beauty. But I also look at all the weed in my own life, stuff in relationships that is really looking like a mess. All this is beautiful when I look at it with love.”

I thought of Victor Frankl, the great writer who survived concentration-camp by realizing that there is one freedom the despots can never take away from us – the freedom of choosing our attitude. Looking with LOVE – or judgment.

Suddenly Maria exclaims “Look – here is a tiny snail, it came with the flower!” We admire the tiniest snail I ever saw – it looks new-born, its little house still transparent. Its tiny antlers are moving, and it is slowly crawling over Maria’s notes from the session. Now it stopped – I wonder what word it has stopped by – it is “beauty.” Good choice for a resting place. There it moves on – away from beauty – but no, it changes its mind and crawls back to beauty. And pulls the antlers in (2mm long) and sleeps.

This is what we call “beauty-sleep.” (Couldn’t resist).

***********

 

*Case story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, see right menu

** Blue – my inner guide through out 30 years who guided me in the process of writing “When fear Comes Home to Love.”

***Mud = Mudmonster: a deep and painful defense-mechanism , painting the devil on the wall

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BREATHING FREELY

For years I have had a chronic difficulty breathing. There have been strong constrictions around the heart and lungs. I have knows it has to do with earlier defense in traumatic situations, and have unraveled many layers. Two days ago I found a new one – what in shamanism we call “lost soul-part.”

In my spiritual practice, my body, house and surroundings mirrors back to me what goes on in my mind. Two days ago, my stove-fan broke down.

For me, it mirrors my lungs, and my ability to breathe and filter out the stronger smells from cooking. I knew it was a signal to yet another layer with the lungs/heart.

The same late evening, I sat down in my Healing Room to do a daily Chi Gong Kidney – exercise which has shown to be very efficient. Video below. When it came to ex.nr.seven, where we softly circle our hands around our  breast, I heard distinct tapping sounds behind me, as if somebody tapped the door/window: “let me in!” Then my body shivered and shuddered and was filled with an energy that did not feel “mine.”

I completed the exercise and prayed for insight – got that it was a “visitation:” some part of me that I had exiled wanted to reconnect. That made it easier for me: I truly want the LOVE that I am to transform all those memories and energies and “soul-parts.”

She was easy to connect to now, and I opened myself to fully be with her and acknowledge everything that she had felt – and her interpretations and conclusions about what this meant about her:

deeply unworthy of love from parents AND God. I let her know I saw and acknowledged all her hatred at self and others – “of course you felt this, it is a perfectly normal response to your situation. You have a right to feel all this now, WITH me, not alone.”

The constriction was at first so strong that I thought I may die – and then I realized that it was her constrictions that I felt, so I could be there as her  neutral loving witness. There was a big shift, the constrictions abated the more I realized that this happened for me and not to me: this was part of loving myself free from the old pattern I had seen as my safety, and that now almost choked me to death.

On x-ray one can see a mass around the heart/lungs – and doctors let me know it is not cancer or any sickness. I know the part of me had to create a lot of pain and goo and coughing there – it was like a bomb inside that said “don’t go here! Go away! We will NOT remember this terror!” So the constriction has been a life-saver, allowing me to heal memory after memory all the way up to this NOW. The exiled part is back, and presenting me with the agony, as much as she is able and willing to.

I bless the part in its true being. I forgive myself for all the judgments I placed upon this, and I embrace it. I allow it to be transmuted in Divine Light.

So…the stove-fan?

I have decided to let God take care of that. No worries: I am taken care of each step of the way

I invite you to click the two book-covers in the right menu, and check out if my two books may be for you.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

LOVE

There was a shift a couple of days ago: the inner critic had repeated its usual pattern of judging and hating everything and everyone it saw, myself included. I recognized the old pattern – and suddenly, I recognized the energy-structure in this. In that moment, a big wave of LOVE coursed through me, and the haterer was completely drenched in LOVE.

The same night,  the usual pain and judgments startled -and again, the only response, instantaneous, was the same wave of LOVE. I recognized that all of these attacks was a coping mechanism from childhood to try to control me to stay out of angry people’s reach. I felt only love and tenderness that that part struggled so hard. And when it was honored, it instantly stopped again.

I have started to allow all the energy running through me to be drained out my feet and into the earth. I say” ground!” to it, and this two last days there has been very few pains and thoughts that I have attached to.

I know without doubt that Jennifer McLean’s webinars, “Spontaneous Transformation” is a big reason for this: it teaches us how healing it is to honor the old defense-patterns for holding on to the pain so long – until we are strong enough to heal the parts that decided to hang on to them.

 

 

“My job is to make you happy”

The healing that I can share with you, reader, is the importance of finding our old “hidden” recipes for safe behavior”  we learned as children – and allow their inherent beliefs to be corrected. If we don’t, there will be tremendous consequences – illnesses, insanity and violence. If I through my life, however, share the beliefs at the very ground of such dysfunctional patterning, Grace shines through and is available for all.

And it is with that intention I share a bit of my childhood-story.

The beliefs -belonging to the archetype BIRD in “When fear Comes Home to Love” -are:

I must be good and not make waves – or problems – for “them.”

It is my job and my duty to make them feel good – on the expense of my own state of mind. Even after a group rape when I was 4, my job is the same: when they expressed distress at what  I told them and were angry at me, I instantly buried it. When 2 years later another gang of boys did it again – in an even more cruel way, and over time – I knew that I just HAD TO make it nonexistent for myself, and every need and feeling was crushed and pushed away.

I start to realize the tremendous pressure I have exerted on my mind and body to push the needs for a space to exist away.

And I realize that this storm of tensions have been what the nights and the mornings have shown for almost 70 years. How faithful the mind shows me what I have buried, so I at last can allow it to be corrected and replaced by the Miracle.

Look at the big beautiful bird at the book cover. This is Bird – she meshes in with the Tree

She has taken on this “job” – because of it, when worked through, there is less darkness and denial than before. That is the work of the Bodhisattva – and we all have chosen that position in our number of incarnations. In the Bird-chapter you will read case-stories and creative processes where Bird wakes up.

The intense pressure and pain I have felt all these years – so extremely toxic!- has to do with the conviction that I am guilty if I step out of this role of “savior” and drop the belief that others pain is because of ME – because I failed my duty of making them happy.

I am lying here with Christ: “breathe in and breathe out deeply, breathe into that toxic pain and say “Yes! Come Home! I am here!”

I need just to breathe – Holy Spirit does all the clearing. He is the Divine Laundromat.

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Driving

A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.

I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.

So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.

A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.

Thank you all for driving with me

 

 

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.