BREATHING FREELY

For years I have had a chronic difficulty breathing. There have been strong constrictions around the heart and lungs. I have knows it has to do with earlier defense in traumatic situations, and have unraveled many layers. Two days ago I found a new one – what in shamanism we call “lost soul-part.”

In my spiritual practice, my body, house and surroundings mirrors back to me what goes on in my mind. Two days ago, my stove-fan broke down.

For me, it mirrors my lungs, and my ability to breathe and filter out the stronger smells from cooking. I knew it was a signal to yet another layer with the lungs/heart.

The same late evening, I sat down in my Healing Room to do a daily Chi Gong Kidney – exercise which has shown to be very efficient. Video below. When it came to ex.nr.seven, where we softly circle our hands around our  breast, I heard distinct tapping sounds behind me, as if somebody tapped the door/window: “let me in!” Then my body shivered and shuddered and was filled with an energy that did not feel “mine.”

I completed the exercise and prayed for insight – got that it was a “visitation:” some part of me that I had exiled wanted to reconnect. That made it easier for me: I truly want the LOVE that I am to transform all those memories and energies and “soul-parts.”

She was easy to connect to now, and I opened myself to fully be with her and acknowledge everything that she had felt – and her interpretations and conclusions about what this meant about her:

deeply unworthy of love from parents AND God. I let her know I saw and acknowledged all her hatred at self and others – “of course you felt this, it is a perfectly normal response to your situation. You have a right to feel all this now, WITH me, not alone.”

The constriction was at first so strong that I thought I may die – and then I realized that it was her constrictions that I felt, so I could be there as her  neutral loving witness. There was a big shift, the constrictions abated the more I realized that this happened for me and not to me: this was part of loving myself free from the old pattern I had seen as my safety, and that now almost choked me to death.

On x-ray one can see a mass around the heart/lungs – and doctors let me know it is not cancer or any sickness. I know the part of me had to create a lot of pain and goo and coughing there – it was like a bomb inside that said “don’t go here! Go away! We will NOT remember this terror!” So the constriction has been a life-saver, allowing me to heal memory after memory all the way up to this NOW. The exiled part is back, and presenting me with the agony, as much as she is able and willing to.

I bless the part in its true being. I forgive myself for all the judgments I placed upon this, and I embrace it. I allow it to be transmuted in Divine Light.

So…the stove-fan?

I have decided to let God take care of that. No worries: I am taken care of each step of the way

I invite you to click the two book-covers in the right menu, and check out if my two books may be for you.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

LOVE

There was a shift a couple of days ago: the inner critic had repeated its usual pattern of judging and hating everything and everyone it saw, myself included. I recognized the old pattern – and suddenly, I recognized the energy-structure in this. In that moment, a big wave of LOVE coursed through me, and the haterer was completely drenched in LOVE.

The same night,  the usual pain and judgments startled -and again, the only response, instantaneous, was the same wave of LOVE. I recognized that all of these attacks was a coping mechanism from childhood to try to control me to stay out of angry people’s reach. I felt only love and tenderness that that part struggled so hard. And when it was honored, it instantly stopped again.

I have started to allow all the energy running through me to be drained out my feet and into the earth. I say” ground!” to it, and this two last days there has been very few pains and thoughts that I have attached to.

I know without doubt that Jennifer McLean’s webinars, “Spontaneous Transformation” is a big reason for this: it teaches us how healing it is to honor the old defense-patterns for holding on to the pain so long – until we are strong enough to heal the parts that decided to hang on to them.

 

 

“My job is to make you happy”

The healing that I can share with you, reader, is the importance of finding our old “hidden” recipes for safe behavior”  we learned as children – and allow their inherent beliefs to be corrected. If we don’t, there will be tremendous consequences – illnesses, insanity and violence. If I through my life, however, share the beliefs at the very ground of such dysfunctional patterning, Grace shines through and is available for all.

And it is with that intention I share a bit of my childhood-story.

The beliefs -belonging to the archetype BIRD in “When fear Comes Home to Love” -are:

I must be good and not make waves – or problems – for “them.”

It is my job and my duty to make them feel good – on the expense of my own state of mind. Even after a group rape when I was 4, my job is the same: when they expressed distress at what  I told them and were angry at me, I instantly buried it. When 2 years later another gang of boys did it again – in an even more cruel way, and over time – I knew that I just HAD TO make it nonexistent for myself, and every need and feeling was crushed and pushed away.

I start to realize the tremendous pressure I have exerted on my mind and body to push the needs for a space to exist away.

And I realize that this storm of tensions have been what the nights and the mornings have shown for almost 70 years. How faithful the mind shows me what I have buried, so I at last can allow it to be corrected and replaced by the Miracle.

Look at the big beautiful bird at the book cover. This is Bird – she meshes in with the Tree

She has taken on this “job” – because of it, when worked through, there is less darkness and denial than before. That is the work of the Bodhisattva – and we all have chosen that position in our number of incarnations. In the Bird-chapter you will read case-stories and creative processes where Bird wakes up.

The intense pressure and pain I have felt all these years – so extremely toxic!- has to do with the conviction that I am guilty if I step out of this role of “savior” and drop the belief that others pain is because of ME – because I failed my duty of making them happy.

I am lying here with Christ: “breathe in and breathe out deeply, breathe into that toxic pain and say “Yes! Come Home! I am here!”

I need just to breathe – Holy Spirit does all the clearing. He is the Divine Laundromat.

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Driving

A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.

I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.

So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.

A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.

Thank you all for driving with me

 

 

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.

 

Beliving in false thoughts

An old theme melted today. Before, I had to work for weeks and involve legal authorities to have a package I ordered sent to me and not to be picked up at a Post office 3 hours away. I have gone through this process twice before – a huge forgiveness opportunity – and this time, when the procedure repeated itself and I called the new firm, I connected with their consultant in a beautiful way. It turned out she lived close to me and offered to drive there and pick it up and bring it to me on the door! Now there is a good sign that something in the mind has shifted:)

Then she told me that the Post office would not deliver it to her. But she told me in a mail that I just had to write them (the firm)and tell them that I wanted the package delivered to me home address. I did that – and then the huge father came and swallowed me. Oh my God, look at that. I meant to write fear, not father.

Same thing

I realized how not-happy I was when it all was solved. Why in the world wouldn’t I be  ecstatic  that this pattern of self sabotage at last was resolved?

The answer was obvious: almost 100% of my childhood/youth personality was identified with  the  strategies for surviving. All the ways she/I had to get use to calm the father with the fear so he did not become a dangerous demon – all that has been labeled “me.”

I now experienced the possibility of being wrong in that identification – these strategies I had told myself was me, and had experienced myself to be, and believed myself to be – if I was wrong in this, what would be left?

A huge cry came, I had to sit down. Forgiving myself for believing in this false me, this survival-construct I had made.

And in some weird way, the father and the fear is one – I think about the Course-metaphysics reminding us that we as ego think the Father/God is out to punish us because we left – and so we made up a punishing vengeful god in our image, and do our best to placate him and be “good” – just as most abused persons try to be toward their abuser, if they have to live with him/her

So these “false deliveries,” and  the demands that i pick it up, or else I would have to pay a big punishing fee, were all reflections of my childhood:

pick up those false fear thoughts, or else you will pay, and maybe even imprisoned

I can only imprison myself

I have perpetuated the punishment to stay “me”

I am willing to be wrong about the value of this – and to be shown a peaceful and playful healing process

willing to let go of the lodging of pain and fear and identity in my mind,mirrored in this body I call mine

But it is all based on false thoughts

maybe the strongest false thought is the one that tells me that I am guilty and need to be punished – the very thought of separation

remembering to laugh now

I can not lose something I never had in reality, says Blue.Just my screwed up false perception.

Yes,please

Irritation

The signals lately of irritation have been huge.

In a Forum, just the other day, all the members were being verbally abused by a person whose vocabulary showed a remarkable variation in  imaginative and very graphic descriptions of lover body-parts. He let it all hang out, and his self-hatred were projected on us.

I knew inside that I was asked to pay attention to what this was mirroring in me – and knew that it had to do with the dream about the irritation: that which made interruptions all the time – that which wanted  and needed to express RIGHT NOW.

I go out on the veranda to roll down the solar protection. Suddenly a swarm of wasps surround me – I run inside and close the door and windows. Looking out, i see that they live in an old cupboard for tools on the veranda. Now that is a good  reflection of the toxicity inside the mind: I want to find the thoughts in the mind that I still believe are truth.

So today, in wonderful timing, I Skyped with Caren, who was kind enough to step into the role of the one who irritated me.Or an old crushed part of me, as it turned out to.

That foul-spewing guy on the Forum mirrored this part exactly, as I found out today.

When Caren asked me if i could allow the awareness to expand, this old part snapped: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

I choose to allow its anger to freely be expressed. It spoke from an identity who never could say no or “go away” or “stop” or “fuck you” or “too much” or leave me alone or I’ll kill you!” Expressing these borders was not an option for this one – because the price would be to be cast out of the family unit, and wander the word as the most shameful person evvver.

So when Caren invites me to let it out, it is at first impossible –  the feeling of condemnation and  shame is overwhelming: “What a naughty obnoxious girl you are! You really deserve to die, horrible scum you are!” But nudged to do what I really would have loved to do, I notice that I would have liked to do exactly what the invective-spewer did yesterday on the Forum ( and for which he was banned from the Forum by the administration.)

I would like to yell and scream and be violent and hurt and see people suffer and that it lasted for a long very long time, and then i would leave them to suffer and enjoy their screams for a very very long time, thank you.

It is allowed now – the sickness rises almost to vomiting.

Shut up! don’t say anything! Give me space! Step back! Don’t even open your mouth! Don’t tell me what to do or think or how to be! Don’t tell me how to be! Shut up!Don’t look at me! Don’t poke me!! Its too much too much! Don’t interrupt me! Listen!

The overwhelm is absolute in this child – and all was repressed and denied. No wonder the poison grew in that not-allowed space

The door is opened now. Expressions is allowed, and there is no condemnation and no shame. *

I phone a pest removal firm, and talk to a man who has visited me before, removing a huge wasp nest. He does not hate them, and has the loveliest energy.

Feeling fully what the wasps symbolized took care of yet another repressed part. It all is such a blessed process

The hidden sentence

Dream:

My daughter and I are hanging out with a young girl, about 22 years old. So very likable. There is something that young girl refuses to look at inside herself. She complains that people use to interrupt her when she speaks. I tell her that it is something inside her that really has an irritating energy, and that whenever she touches it subconsciously and energetically, people pick it up and stops her by interrupting her. “But it is really YOU who thinks this is so irritating” I say, and there comes a light in her eyes. She tells us that this is very painful, and my daughter says: You know, I know what you are talking about – when I visited the Torture Center at the University, I…” then her boyfriend enters the room, and my daughter is interrupted and becomes quiet as a mouse.

The young girl starts to talk, and I interrupt her. And now, when typing those words, the telephone interrupted me!! (There was nobody at the other side.)

WOW – pay attention to this theme, Leelah –

I tell the girl, “Even I interrupted you now! What is the sentence you were going to say right now when I interrupted you?”

Suddenly we see the girl inside a large cage. The door is open. She is happy, because she has now received the necessary impulse to start unravel this old story where something has been hidden for so long. And the cage – (door open, she CAN leave) is a safe place to be. She has lived there for so long…

“You can unravel it outside the cage to, sweetie” I tell her – I take her hand to lead her toward me, and in her hand is a paper with her story. Its a very short story.

A narrow strip of paper -one sentence – is ripped off when I take her hand. One short sentence of her story, carrying the hidden, the denied.

“What is the one sentence you are ripping away?” I ask her – “What are these words that has been impossible to know about?”

In this moment there is an intense shooting pain in my left leg, like a lightning, and I wake up.

I ask for help to see clearly. A memory comes: my husband, daughter and I are hiking in a wood. We are looking for chanterelles and berries. My daughter,  then maybe 5 – 6 years old, starts to scream violently and tells us that something mean has bitten her/stung here. There is no sign on her hand. She is completely inconsolable. It lasts for a long time, and we return home, because she is so afraid of the mean thing that has stung her.

I have thought of this many times – and believe that whatever that crying was about, the sting just released an old agony that could find no other outlet than something “physical.” Living in the constant pressure/tensions that was there between my husband I me – both with tons of baggage from our childhood  –  left her with no words to express the pain.

That makes me think about one time I was stung by a wasp in a finger when I was 3-4, and my mother took time to comfort me and read for me. Now she knew what my agony was about, and could give me what I needed – but the real pain was about all the horrors that nobody ever talked about under the nice façade. And nobody could talk about them: they were so well hidden for us all.

If there were ONE sentence that could express the agony – what would it be? I wonder. For me, that sentence maybe something like “I have to squelch this tremendous pain, otherwise…” and the alternative seems to be murder or suicide, no other options.

And there is lots of guilt there..

This is how close I get for now. And for those who may read this – I wonder if you may have such a sentence yourself, that attracts interruption for others? or just plain ignoring? If you know of one such sentence, maybe you could post it here, as a commentary? It might be helpful to open these deep pockets of repressed stuff in the collective mind.

Afterword in the evening:

My daughter and beau visited me today. As I was telling my daughter the dream, her beau came  into the kitchen and interrupted me by hugging me and thanking for the meal we just ended.

 

The blubb

After my husband died and I was alone with my daughter, I often noticed a strange phenomenon:  suddenly there was  a distinct disturbance between us – like a big amorphous blubb (its not in the dictionary). We saw each other through this blubb-veil – and the perception was so altered that I pretty soon detected something fishy. Thanks to the very radiation from this blubb, there was no doubt that this was an energy-gestalt – or thought-form – that warped whatever we looked at through it.

As soon as I realized this I pointed it out to my child – she was about 13 when I first noticed it – and then, when we both dis-identified from it and sent light through it, it was gone in a second.

My daughter was the recipient of strong projections all through her childhood until I started to remember and could take responsibility for dealing with the atrocious pain in my mind. Since I was grossly abused from I was born, all the baby-feelings and fear that were split off now had a baby to attach to.

And all of this disowned energy- constantly denied and disowned  -(she of course denied it too: it was nobody in her family who at that time was healthy enough to deal with it  in a loving way ) bundled into a big blubb – and whenever we failed to see each other freely with love, the blubb was there between us.

When I saw it with clear seeing the first time, it has grown big and obnoxious from being constantly demonized.

Sending light into it had the effect of dispersing it – it showed that both she and I wanted to see each other with love and not hate. This intention melted it.

Looking at the blubb now, I feel gratitude. This “something” that was created etherically through my intense denial as child saved me from realizing the level of insanity in the family – I could grow up and place all the terror in this dissociated blubb – and then, when I had grown up and had gained  the adequate maturity, I could use what was in my mind to see through the archetypes of fear, learn to recognize them, and use this knowledge to help my patients see through their immense pain and find That inside Which embraces it all.

The book is now available in Kindle-e-book – and I am awaiting the first printed proof in 3 days or so.

Nothing is wasted

Ever

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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