Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH. “

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

It just wasn’t there anymore

For the very first time – when the usual morning-agony came – ( I am talking more than 30 years here – deep depression and suicidal thoughts) – there was no resistance and no judgment. Just quiet. Guess what happened to the agony

God happened

Self happened

No control happened

Now the ego is very quiet, it stands to my left and looks up and wonders “how did i manage that? I must remember it so I can replicate it.”

Truth is, it wasn’t THERE. And truth is, I feel soft towards it too – whatever it is

ARIEL

I dreamt that I was in the city and met a neighbor to my child house home -he was now my age, and with him I was in my SELF -*** It was indescribably beautiful – this is how it feels to live in JOY, I know it now – unlimited all peaceful and joyful – all accepting – overflowing love – BEAUTY! -grace – smiling with all the cells in my body – and he gave me a ring – it was placed on my left middle finger – where now is the ANCH-cross since 30 years ago – OH! – it was like a 2 inch high cylindrical  container of glass/crystal  -with something alive  and sacred inside –

Breathing deeply writing this

Then after a long while, the energy changed and my ring mirrored it – the content inside got muddled

I woke up, felt cold and stiff and horrible, and completely dried out. . I asked for help from the angel of Water, and It did not answer – so I knew there was something more for me to look at.I recognized this frequency as ***something that I do not want any longer,*** that it is a CHOICE I must take. I took it 🙂 Then the water flowed back into my cells.

Then, the test: as soon as I logged on my PC, there was a request from SKYPE – which deals with connections and relations 🙂 would I get the newest version from Microsoft? i clicked yes, and at the same time there was a big reaction of NO! from the nervous system.

All my contacts had disappeared.
At first I clicked around frantically and them i remembered to connect to Source. Then a chat-opportunity showed up. The helper was named ARIEL :

This is from internet:

Ariel is a Celestial Angelic Being within the Angelic Order known as the Archangels. Archangels are responsible for ministering to humans, considered somewhat like “manager angels”, Archangels oversee the responsibilities of Guardian Angels and the other Celestial Light Beings that act as our guardians and guides.
The patron saint of animals and the environment, Archangel Ariel’s name means ‘lion or lioness of God’. Her role is to protect the earth, its natural resources, ecosystems and all wild life and is always available with support and guidance for any activities that involve environmentalism and protecting, healing, rejuvenating, …

“Ministering angel” LOL – of Blue has so much fun me with me! ( Digression: In “When Fear Comes Hone to Love” I have collected a multitude of these sweet synchronicities from Spirit that i experienced, going through the explorations of the dark archetypes those 25 years.(still doing 🙂)

One more pointer to me: When i went through Primal Therapy in the 80-ies, I had ONE antagonist: his name was ARIEL. Now is that name redeemed to me, through THIS Skype-Ariel – who told me: my game is to help you:)

I shared my terror with him, to HAVE TO click on the correct places NOW and he told me again and again that he was there, take your time.

And so comes the beauty and wonder symbolism – he asked if i was willing to give him control of my computer so he could install the new program –

Of course I gave him that, and he thanked me for my trust 🙂

And voila, all my contacts are back
and i have the link to the contact/chat/page of Skype ♥

I have that link! ( And i wrote “I have that THINK:))

Thank you beloved SELF for hammering it in with so much joy

*** This symbolizes to me that only in connection to “my neighbor” ( anyone) am I in my SELF – we cannot reach Heaven on our “own.”

Invitation to online Playshop in healing

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
*

Invitation to 7 week online course in healing dragons

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a play shop (not workshop.) Two days ago, my Self came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering group work. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online play shop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience ,working like this the last 29 years, that when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and allow Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may look through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. You don’t have to. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I will post Q and A’s about the details

And a good long list of “what If’s” that will help if the dragon convinces you that you are useless.

We will start Monday 25th September. I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please mail me your name and mail address. Registration starts September 15th
*
About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.

Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

Home

Today I received a huge gift from a fellow lover of A Course in Miracles: the new edition. 1946 pages.

The book lay on my right side, while I was attending to some old pains and inner jumps around the heart. Each time I have been able to reach deeper into the origin of this old fear imprint. Yesterday I saw that it has to do with the primal pain of being a body who is ripped to peaces by wild animals – reptile brain-memories – but this time also Colosseum memories – the gladiators and the lions.

I have long time stopped to try to figure out if these are personal memories from earlier incarnations  – suffice to say that they belong to the memory pool of mankind, of death and fear of death – and all the human may tell him/herself at the moment of such a death, and therefore carry further in their soul. I am a conduit of it – that I know. The Self has chosen to  “round this off” in this life – that I know.

So now I sat down again with the strange inner “jumpiness” and fear -energy, and asked for help to see. I was shown a group in another country, and I asked to speak to their spokesperson. She came forth, and I told her it was time for this group to allow the energy to return, so they could own it and allow it to transform  – realizing the wonder of forgiveness and their own connection to Self. I also introduced them to Spontaneous Transformation Technique, and felt all the time the connection between the group and me. Wonderful connection, and angels and Masters there to assist.

Then   I closed the connection, and went back to the “being with” the fear place. I prayed to feel safe always – permanent – I prayed to truly remember who I am  in Reality- the Holy Son of God, The Light of God.

Instantly I was nudged to open the new acim-edition randomly. I put my finger in there – there are 1946 pages in that book 🙂 – and my finger landed exactly on “memory”

I felt a deep peace. I will not doubt who I am, and the protection I have as His child. And something deep shifted within this fear filled body.

Then the phone rang. A dear friend who was supposed to come here and play was stuck in traffic, there was a marathon  in town and lots of streets were closed off. She would be very late, she said.

I knew the power of prayer now. So I declared that I was willing to have removed any blocks between us, and intended her to be here latest 5pm. I chose it with all of me.

She just called – and said that about that time, the traffic had mysteriously cleared up, and that she would be here in good time before five pm

And I know – this happens for me – so that I truly shall take it seriously that I am safe, held, helped,assisted,loved, and truly be willing to cancel old belief systems of fear.

I am not alone

I am not alone

I am not alone

The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

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In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

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Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

BLESSINGS

Yesterday I prayed to find the blocks between me and finding my desires.  They were many and mean and I asked for help, and was lead to this note in my latest wise-quotes-book

“I cannot heal what I first haven’t embraced and forgiven. This is not the same as condoning it – it is saying YES to being with the energy of it. I have to KNOW it as such – as energy –without judging it as energy – in order to be able to bless it and embrace it and THEN let it go.”

With help of Jesus, through the deep guilt that permeated me, I was led to see – I was shown –that everything I did in the past, I had been doing it to mySelf. Now this was known and not only accepted as an axiom.

In  the night, after praying intensely for help to see a horrible memory differently, I was shown that  the kittens, trees, children and scary adults of my scary memory were made of the exact same substance – LOVE.

This time I witnessed it, clear as LIGHT.

And for the first time I could truly get what Jesus says in the Course and Way of Mastery: ” You are doing it to your Self.”

I looked around and found LOVE appearing as table, PC, hands, person in red morning coat, body, red lamp, water bottle, window, blue sky, clouds.

Magnificent illusion.

Now Jesus is nudging me to mention Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing.” In it, he mentions a story a friend of him told him from the civil war in Rwanda. Pierre has allowed me to share this wherever I want. You are free to do so too, as long as you give full credits to Pradervand and his book.

His friend was an African spiritual healer. “One night, around two in the morning,…an armed band entered my home.—They were armed with guns and bayonets, I was armed with Truth And Love. As they pointed their weapons to menace me, a thought came to me in a flash, immediately dispelling the fear, which was attempting to invade my thought. Love and Life are indestructible and permanent. I am the idea of Life, God, indestructible in Life, permanent in my being! There is only Life, God, which remains undivided, not two or more lives, This infinite Life is the life of these so-called killers, my life and that of my family.

–.”When at one moment one of his daughters started crying, the head of the band gave the order to kill her. Without even pronouncing a word out loud, the healer immediately affirmed that the man who had received the order to kill was the perfect child of divine Love. “The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.” Immediately, the man who had already raised his bayonet to pierce the girl interrupted his gesture.”

I leave out bits of the story here – this book is a HUGE gift and you might just want to read it.

––“After working spiritually for about thirty minutes, these men became very calm, as is feeling the love we reflected. The chief called them and they left the room. This gave me time to affirm still more forcefully absolute truths about the perfect man of God’s creation.

Once back in the room, these men were transformed. They had become new persons. Even their language had completely changed. They were disarmed and friendly, and started to confess the crimes they had committed. They stayed at our home for two hours. No one was hurt, everybody was safe and sound.”

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“The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

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