This May Be an End to the Rollercoaster

Those who has followed this blog for a while will have noticed a rollercoaster quality – the victories seem to drop into very low valleys and then travel up again.

This night I asked from my heart that my guides gave me a clear dream of some kind of physical acts I could take that would create love, play and vitality for others and myself – a kind of project. And I was given a dream where I taught and lectured at the senior center where I live in the same way I have done with my one to one students since 1988. Something landed in me this time – I woke up and knew I would do it.

I have watched this magic worked with every student – something happens when we come together to play freely and just follow the process. This spirit of playfulness is, I believe, the very essence of Who we are – pure exploration and fun. WE let go of what we think we are supposed to do to heal – and just dive into THIS very moment. What are you thinking about NOW? how would that thought be transformed into e.g a sound? a doodle? words? etc etc. The ego and control is stunned and surrenders – and wonders happened – and people just see that there is Something within them that leads them forward to places of joy and surrender they would not have fathomed.

A former close neighbor of mine is a vital person of that senior-center – I will contact him and ask for the best person to contact – and I will also contact two old theater friends who both have lectured there.

And after this idea, I realized that more stuff would spring from this – in a much more orderly and structured way that before. There is no sensation of overwhelm this time. I am writing lists of what to do and when, and enjoying myself.

And ending with a nice surrealistic image from Unsplash.com – taken by Dominik Vanyi

In the playful process I am describing, everything is possible -and so the very life-force of creativity dips into us – or we into it – with astonishing results and insights

Freedom

In the Wholeness Process, Connierae Andreas trains us to transform parts/identities in the Self with a simple method I am training in these days. Often I find that the part I find is not willing to accept the invitation to melt into the fullness of Awareness that is all around and everywhere – it is afraid to give up the control it has built up throughout my life. This morning a liberating thought came to me: I need to honor the part for all it has been through, and all the coping mechanisms it has used to stay alive. Respect!

 I felt the joy and peace when I did that with a OCD-part inside – and it melted and cried and surrendered

I felt deep peace all through.

Yet another example of the importance of loving our “enemies”

                                                                                                       This is a painting I made years ago -an aspect that was former seen as an enemy, gradually opened up for me to see the angel within the shadow

Where Am I – or: Where am I Not?

I am asking, since I seem to exist in dimensions with laws outside the physics of the world. Or – let’s say that I am “here” which seems to be in my house, and therefore ruled by physical laws – but my Guidance has no problem in manipulating physical instruments, like the radio-receiver. This is very practical when it comes to my connection with the Holy – God, Christ, The Universe, All that is – my Self – because when It started to twix the physical instruments many years ago, I realized that it had an intention with that – to make me notice that the Universe was on “my side”, wanting to assist me. At that time – about 25 years ago – I was exploring the common themes among my Expressive Arts Therapy patients and during some years I found ten archetypes we all had in common – described in my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

These forms of energy seemed to rule us – and we all seems to have been abused in some way – physical, sexual or mental.

So the All That IS knew I needed help, and it amused Itself and us with arranging seemingly weird “coincidences” when we painted or were creating stories. ( The book is prop-full with these “signs” – with the title ” Blue is Playing.”) I named IT Blue, since I SAW the Divine as blue-)

Back to this morning – I was turning on a favorite music program and there was no sound. I turned the receiver up to maximum, and when I put my ear close to the loudspeaker I could hear a faint whiff of sound.

Then I “heard” a giggle ( it actually is felt within my body as pure playfulness) – and I found myself pondering ” hmm – do I simply have to TURN UP my listening / receiver? – ahh – could it be my reception to the Holy I need to turn up?”

Then this poem came floating in:

How can I listen to you when the Sun is on
the day swarms around me with cries for attention:
Poinsettia, table, legs, teddy in sofa,
 the book titled BREATH
and OH the Beech outside the window
like a slender dancer
You need to scream to me, God
Nonono 🙂
just turn your Love-receiver up
tuning in to Joy-station
let it take you

Bolero by Ravel
***
I  went out for a hike
Everyone smiled radiantly to me
I was overwhelmed by beauty
and IT was within everybody and everything

Most of the thick old and sick wood has been removed now – I have a glorious VIEW

This was thick wood with trees going up to at least 50 meter. Here was a wall of graffiti in the thick of the wood before – now openly strutting

The wall of that mountain is about 100 meter tall – 33 feet – and I have never SEEN it since the wood was too dense

My slender dancing Beech

The Place of I Do Not Know

My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and  who has shared her  feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”

Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”

I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.

It was a BLANK PAGE.

This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.

The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)

and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:

“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately  – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”

Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.

Now we have a shining opportunity: 

In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.

And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .

Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of  Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***

And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:

I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.

***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Forgiveness

This blog is the place for me to share openly ( often with embarrassment) – to support myself in giving my self a voice, and share the insights and gift from my spiritual and creative process.

In my Course in Miracles blog, I share the lessons from the universe where I use what I have learned through the Course and the three books by Jayem; The Way of the Heart, the Way of Mastery and the Way of Knowing.

In the Way of the Heart, chapter three instructs us thoroughly through the forgiveness process, as Jeshua/ Jesus explains it and learned it.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)
“Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to… see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)
2. “It is very, very important to let each day to be sufficient unto itself. When you end your day, always truly end it… As you take a deep breath as you rest your head upon the pillow, look upon of the whole day, embrace it with your consciousness, and as you let your breath go out, say silently to yourself: ‘I release and forgive this day. It has been perfect. And it is done.’” (page 38)’

I have studied this for many years – and it is amazing how many layers there has been for me to see the simplicity in it. Example: This night I found issues with betrayal from a brother – and looked for a situation within me where I had done the same. I could see it – and what was more important was, that I could see that at that time I thought I had no choice – I thought I HAD to stay with that man,since inside me was a terrified little girl who was raised to believe that she could NOT take care of herself – so I traded “safety” for “being supported.”

This time I embraced her – and also fully embraced my mother who also had that pattern – and my brother too – and saw how it all was splendidly set up for me for truly experience all flavors of it this life. Now waves of light flowed into me, and I gradually could see the sacred essence of them all – and recognize the “contracts” we set up before this incarnation – to play these roles in our family to make these energies available to be seen, known and transformed. Since it is not possible to forgive anything I haven’t first embraced.

To see Jekyll and Hyde-abuse as a valuable lesson for us who want to wake up is what my books are all about – how can I use it creatively – poetically – how can we create art out of it?

Since art and playfulness is the very essence of our true Self

Maybe that is good question for you too – “what has my experiences led me to believe / do/ think that is truly valuable?

IF not, I would not have been able to write ” When Fear Comes Home to Love” which has helped so many – students /patients/readers .

and the 108 creative exercises in “108 Ways to Transform Crises into Possibilities” –

and Hilaryon Stories – a novel

When you click at the images, you will be led to reviews

Christ coming toward m

The Queen of Chameleons

The closed-off room

The fear of taking space – for my self

I closed it off when I had to, to adjust instead.

Inside that room was a compressing machine,

doing a truly magnificent job. The stuff that could have

joyed up a whole world now compressed into

one quadrate centimeter closed-off self

of atomic bomb power.

I closed the room and lived outside it as the Queen of Chameleons.

A true master: emerald green head yellow gold paws and violet/blue tail

***

This just came in to my mailbox – from Educare

There is an Order to life

It is not your job to create the Order.
It is your job to yield to It.
Observe, listen, accept and follow.*

Thank you! All traumatized parts try to create order and sense. Now I have seen her and loved her -and maybe Poetry can do the rest?

 

Corrupted files

A couple of days ago, I had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of being taken over by an alien force. It felt like “I” was sucked out – and instead, this other energy took me over, filled me to the brim, seeped in to all my cells, just took me over.

Since I am committed to going the distance, I knew that this was something that would bring me closer to Love – it happened for me, not to me. I went to bed  early and asked for dreams to illuminate what was going on.

It came at 3am:

I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a big room with hundreds of others. At my head sat a man with a foul expression, and suddenly he pushed his fingers hard into the space below my collarbone – in Chinese medicine, K 27. I grabbed his left hand and just bit through his finger – there was no blood in that finger, and no pain response from the man.

I woke up and realized that this was not a man, it was an energy frequency of base and vile attack. It had a double meaning: the feeling of corruption and toxicity was strong – an energy of male disgust and disrespect for women – but  there was nothing sexual about it. So, very confusing. I asked my Self for insight, and heard that this was a taste of the main attack-and abuse-archetype I describe in my book  “When Fear Comes Home to Love”– “Fuckeat.” This was part of that frequency – and the question came, was I willing to love it?

Not in a million years! I muttered, and intuitively knew that, YES – I had signed up for this when I agreed to work with the archetypes of violence and abuse when I started up my therapy practice.

So now was the question – HOW could I bring Love to it?

It so happened that Carrie Triffet recently had given us in a course an exercise called breathing-with-Christ – allowing the Christ to enter our lungs and then breathing that love breath into and through everything we encountered.

It worked – slowly, but it worked. AND there was something within that “corrupted file” / demonic contempt/ that  S L O W L Y  released its dark form.

I can do this, and I will. Day by day, loving that corrupted field in the soul right into its sacred center. Carrie teaches – and I fully agree – that God is either inside everything or It is non-existing. So in the middle of any darkness, there is essential eternal Light – and we ARE this Light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessing the opposite

As many of us, I have hidden influences from this incarnation or before that – many of them inherited from ancestors, as newer science will tell you. Some of you will recognize a tendency to sabotage yourself: – this pattern may be such a gestalt/entity, and it may be a way you have told yourself you are not worthy unless you do x and x,a way you try to fix yourself and perform as a way to earn value.

Which is of course futile – our value is intrinsic.

When such a part of our Self has had time to develop throughout several incarnations – and we always have succeeded in repressing it – it has become very powerful and strong and will exert a strong influence on us – often being mirrored back to us from the outside: in my case, editors delivering LOTS of errors and complaining that it never has happened before. Or stuff getting lost in the mail –  or the PC constantly telling you ” this does not work” ( and then it works)

So I have a possible solution for this, my friends and readers: blessings.

Blessings have that immediate effect that it melts and softens any contracted energy inside or from others. If a person annoys you, burst into blessing – and bless him/her in the opposite of what they are expressing. If they are grumpy, bless them in their kindness, their patience, their compassion. If they are fearful, bless them in their groundedness, their connection to their Self/any spiritual being that comes to mind – bless them in their memory of being a child of Love/God – bless them in their ability to receive deep motherly/fatherly love, comfort, security etc.

You will feel very good after this – since when we bless, we receive the same as we gives.

Don’t tell people you bless them 🙂 just go at it and you will see a difference.

 

 

Taking Nourishment

Dream:

I participate in a HUGE  Writer Convention with HUGE  amounts of food and flowers a people from all over the world. This is clearly a celebration of sorts, and I have brought my most beautiful clothes – light, blue,veil-ish, Goddesslike.

It’s lunchtime at the end of our convention, I am walking around for some reason, not sitting down to enjoy the marvellous food. Maybe I do some packing on my room – and when I return to the dining room, all food has gone – I have not been nourished – everyone else are full and happy.

I make a big ruckus to the butler, and he says it is too late – and I explode in the unfairness of it –I have PAID FOR THIS-  he can’t get me just a little food from all the rest that has been sent back to the kitchen? No, that would be a misuse of the waiters, he said – I’d had to push them – and I say, with loud voice: then push them! He looks at me abhorred, how self-centred and abominable I am – and recognize inside: he is me.

I walk to my room, and there is a friend writer I really like – she admires a white feather hanging on a mirror and tells me how much she admires my husband’s work ( he and I have obviously stayed here before, and his feather is still here.)  Now the correction gnome says that feather should be FATHER.

 

I am taken under the arms  by Anna, my guide, and sat up in the bed.” Now look at these old pattern: I am being unjustly treated – I am not able to be nourished – there must be something wrong with ME –  the father/husband will always take all the glory – this will never change, IT IS HOPELESS and I give up.”

I forgive myself for choosing to create this, to experience this. How easy it has been to be entrenched in this through thousands of years – and now it has come up to be released.

I hold the separated me in my arms and love her and breathe with her. For the first time I do this, there is a CLEAR shift in energy between us: I am “the Fairy Godmother ” and she is the human child, left out, deeply undernourished, nobody truly SEES here gifts and her tremendous beauty, and so she tells herself she is wrong – and unworthy.

 

As the Holder and Embracer, I sense the human agony-deep grief in not been seen in one’s Self, of being constantly compared and pushed. I have also been the pusher and non-seer, and also the Judge of the ones who push others – it’s all food on the egos convention-table.

It is sweet beyond words to cry it and feel it all through – this longing to be seen as Self.

I shift between being the Self – so VERY different from the human child in energy and frequency – and the child who at last is being heard and held.

I forgive my creation

I have learned so much

Now I desire to be Who I am

I am currently reading “Anna, Grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong for the second time, and  am being drawn deeply into all the descriptions from that time – and all of Anna’s initiations and experiences from 600 continued years life as that Self– both spiritually and as a human Essee. She is my guide now, and very close.

Deep insight-  This comes NOW, because I am on a ten-day cleanse in eating habits – and it has taken me way out of my comfort zone, and deep into purification of toxicity. I truly see how enormously much our eating habits and ways of “comforting ourselves”  contribute to our attachment to the small self. Only when I at least took the choice to let go of bread and  all the conventional and artificial sweeteners, did this energetic shift happen. And first now could I truly love the little one who needs so much to be loved, just as she is – the dis-identification was over, and the Wise Grandmother Me came forth fully. There was just tremendous eternal PEACE.

To all bread lovers: I realize it’s nothing wrong with eating bread – or anything – as long as it is done with love and not as a substitute for love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –

 

The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.

 

This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.

 

As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.

 

My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.

 

So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.

 

And I feel present

 

How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful