A Course in Miracles – a Non-Dualistic teaching – tells us that the world is a dream, and we are dreaming in up – and we are playing all the roles too. We do this to have all kind of experience – since our soul loves experience and loves to learn from it.
My work life was in the Theater – I created stage-and costume-design, was assistant director and translated plays for puppetry.
So my dreams are vital pointers for me. This is the latest one – after several months of mental confusion and unpleasantness after an operation in the intestine.
In the dream I was IN my Self all the time – knowing this WAS a dream. I just observed the actions while they happened, intensely moved, and amused by it all.
I was with a WONDERFUL assembly of people – I think they were social workers – and we had together written and staged a play where the mail role was a SCULL.
In the first production my husband and I staged for The Norwegian Theater, a big shining scull played an important part as DESTINY. This was a play where objects floated through air – “Black Theater.” The actors were covered in black velvet from top to toes, and the objects/puppets were placed in a “gate of light” on the stage.
Right now, in the dream, I am sitting in the audience and looking down at an actor with a puppet or prop two rows in front of me – it is a scull. The scull is intensely attractive and beautiful and delicate to me – and funny: right now, the actor makes the Scull bites him in the ear – “Listen, you! Pay attention to me!”
So this is an invitation to laugh – I am asked to see through the illusion of death. And to LISTEN.
Meaning: yes of course horrors happen here in the world – meaning the world of illusion, but in the REAL WORLD they are seen as props, used to give the soul experience. And in each experience, ac. to A Course in Miracles, we have a choice: look with love or fear.
So in the dream I am now paying attention to me dreaming this – I am lucid. And ACIM teaches that in reality, there are only two states of mind: LOVE – and FEAR. Fear is the realm of the egoic mind – the mind that perceives itself a separate from its Loving Source.
My mind is now ordering a translucent scull/ object of death and illusion/ to lovingly nib his maker’s earlobe. Hey you. This is a dream. Pay attention the teaching.
Awake now, I thank my main spiritual guide – Anna- and she says, Leelah, YOU made this creation – I am just sitting here, laughing my head off. (My spiritual leaders are very straightforward. )
I had breast cancer in 2005, and used what I knew then how to find THAT in me that caused the cancer. Because this is how I function, this is my belief. I focused on the spot in the breast and set the intention to find the thought/judged feeling/ that had caused it – since this is how I deal with pain and illness.
I was shown a little girl in there, terrified, never been given a possibility for an expression of that particular pain. Now I saw her, listened, “held her”, loved her.
And asked myself – my Self – the One Self we all have/ARE – how to relate to this – and was told all would be well, and I WOULD have the operation, and I WOULD have the radiation – all would give huge teachings my soul had asked for.
One of the funny “bi-products” of the sickness was that each day in those 28 visits to the radiation-room,I noticed the same “janitor” – who tended to the welfare of all the patients there. He was always either in the same room in the vast Hospital,, or came out of the elevator I entered. I took it as a wonderful sign that the “one who took care of all our welfare” – a sweet name for the Christ within – was present.
Before I went to the operation, and later radiation, I blessed the surgeon and nurses in their highest skill and excellence, and “saw” it happen just wonderfully.
And then came the clue: I was on the radiation table on the 12th day, and my left nipple was rotting. Really! So I was alone in the room on that bench, and found myself asking, “Dear Archangel Michael, please take care of this radiation from now on – I want YOUR rays to come through that machine.”
I did not expect a response – but there it was – a great Light in the room and around me and through me, I have never experienced something like it before.
Laugh all you want, but from that day the process turned around, and for each day of the rest 16 radiation-days, the burn-wounds healed to completion.
I might also add that I have asked the same prayer several times later – and never received that kind of light-manifestation.
BUT it did, when it came to the prayer of healing of any remnant cancer cells in my chest.
I do believe that I was given this “visitation” so that I could truly ACCEPT that Divinity is THERE for me – even when it does not seem like it.
As healer, I have been able to share this with many patients. And for some fun reasons, a number of my earlier patients have told me at their first session that Archangel Michael was an important part of their life
So – here is a link to a video for those of you who feel open to learn more about healing cancer:
As a human being, I hear this SHALT as “You SHALL, OR ELSE!!”
There is a deep and terrible threat in it: I will punish you if you don’t.
This fear is profound in me – its energy lays between me and all that is kind and good and forgiving – my Self, made in God’s image.
As a Course student, I am committed to find everything I have placed between me and LOVE, or me and my Divine Nature – I am asked to forgive my own creations. Which is the Course’s way of describing everything I experience and live through.
If I see you as evil and wrong, it is because I have placed a perception of evil and wrong upon you – and you are acting it out. With blessing I can heal the perception: “I bless you in your integrity, in your innermost eternal Light, in your holiness, in your willingness to heal and wake up and remember who you are.” Yes- the acts may be heinous – and the person acting them out is far away from his Knowing who he is, in his essence- but as I am willing to remembering it FOR her/him, his soul will pick it up.
Example:
I was going by a quaint little train from a valley up in the mountains. There were tourists there from all over the world. There were no seat-tickets. I found myself sitting crammed into a crook with a German family with a 5- and 3-year-old. The three-year-old was sitting across from me and took his pleasure in kicking my shins (tibia?) hard and rhythmically. I looked at the parents and asked them to stop their child – they looked incredulous.
And I remembered a sentence from A Course in Miracles: when I see others as bad or mean, say inwardly “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”
Pointing me in the direction to change my perception of them from BAD to Holy.
Yes – their actions may be reproachable – but we are not our actions, says the Course – we are Spirit who has forgotten that we are made in God’s image, and believe that we are humans only.
Now I was reminded that I was caught in an illusion that I was unjustly treated – and I was reminded to see the family as Holy Children who had forgotten their origin – just as I.
One minute or so after I had said this silently, the woman raised her head and looked like she had been shaken awake. She rose, picked her her kicking toddler and went to the window, looking out at some of the most astonishing nature views in Norway. I rose too and took a place at the window next to her. She turned her head and smiled radiantly at me.
The dream this morning was about me refusing to believe my perception of a demanding God who roars You SHALL!!! Love Me The Most.
As I am resting in that now – I see how completely this belief in a demanding Old Testament-god has colored my life – and for sure, the subconscious of the western psyche. We are guilty and shameful and must be punished. And how would it feel to know, I ask myself, to know that our ACTS maybe horrible and sinful – but my true nature is not. I have just denied it and taken on the collective mind’s litany: we are sinners and must be punished.
In no way do I deny my nature who wants to win and be right above all – but today I have had yet another peek behind the curtain: I have done it all to my self, by believing that this small separated self is who I truly am.
No. I am one with God, It is All Loving, and I am healing my perception.
Now dear readers, maybe only one of you have followed me all the way to this sentence – this blog is mainly a way to show myself how to awaken – to cherish the ways. And if it has just touched ONE being’s heart as helpful, I am very grateful
This video shows HULDRA – a wicked nymph who lives under earth in the wide plains and lures young men with them into the mountain – compare Peer Gynt and The Green One in Ibsen’s play. She also like to show up at a station on Flåmsbana and sing – as you can see in the video
I am as God created me – says A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery. And how is that? Pure Love – all powerful. Not the small Leelah-identity – the Holy Self that I am, that we all are in our essence. The Buddha Nature. The Atman. The Christ.
I have some months now experienced a kind of “drying out” – it seems my kidneys have been in trouble. What I have done, is practicing knowing that 1) I have created this/ my soul has chosen to experience it all/ – and so I don’t want this any longer, I want LOVE – I Choose Love.
It has felt like something huge saying NO with bushy eyebrows -and so I asked inner guidance for help, and was sent to Paige Apgar
I wanted to have cords removed – energy strands that connect us energetically to people in a draining way – but the Universe wanted something else, and through the session she was shown 7 different incarnations and chakras that still was carrying some of the brunt from disasters and violence.
I felt the energy move and there were wonderful releases – so I thought the effect would be deeply felt afterwards. But there was seemingly no effect at all!
Then – 24 hours later, at the start of the latest night, I was repeating the ” I choose LOVE” – and the effect was, for the first time, profound
I believe that what Paige and her divine helpers did, was removing frozen trauma from my soul. Some of it several thousand years old. No problem for Divinity, who knows that time is a construct who allows us to play a myriad of different circumstances in a myriad of lifetimes – and the Self, Who knows that it really happens only NOW
Thank you my radiant joyful Self Who always connect me with precisely the people/ happenings I need to fully wake up – in perfect timing.
Those who has followed this blog for a while will have noticed a rollercoaster quality – the victories seem to drop into very low valleys and then travel up again.
This night I asked from my heart that my guides gave me a clear dream of some kind of physical acts I could take that would create love, play and vitality for others and myself – a kind of project. And I was given a dream where I taught and lectured at the senior center where I live in the same way I have done with my one to one students since 1988. Something landed in me this time – I woke up and knew I would do it.
I have watched this magic worked with every student – something happens when we come together to play freely and just follow the process. This spirit of playfulness is, I believe, the very essence of Who we are – pure exploration and fun. WE let go of what we think we are supposed to do to heal – and just dive into THIS very moment. What are you thinking about NOW? how would that thought be transformed into e.g a sound? a doodle? words? etc etc. The ego and control is stunned and surrenders – and wonders happened – and people just see that there is Something within them that leads them forward to places of joy and surrender they would not have fathomed.
A former close neighbor of mine is a vital person of that senior-center – I will contact him and ask for the best person to contact – and I will also contact two old theater friends who both have lectured there.
And after this idea, I realized that more stuff would spring from this – in a much more orderly and structured way that before. There is no sensation of overwhelm this time. I am writing lists of what to do and when, and enjoying myself.
And ending with a nice surrealistic image from Unsplash.com – taken by Dominik Vanyi
In the playful process I am describing, everything is possible -and so the very life-force of creativity dips into us – or we into it – with astonishing results and insights
In the Wholeness Process, Connierae Andreas trains us to transform parts/identities in the Self with a simple method I am training in these days. Often I find that the part I find is not willing to accept the invitation to melt into the fullness of Awareness that is all around and everywhere – it is afraid to give up the control it has built up throughout my life. This morning a liberating thought came to me: I need to honor the part for all it has been through, and all the coping mechanisms it has used to stay alive. Respect!
I felt the joy and peace when I did that with a OCD-part inside – and it melted and cried and surrendered
I felt deep peace all through.
Yet another example of the importance of loving our “enemies”
This is a painting I made years ago -an aspect that was former seen as an enemy, gradually opened up for me to see the angel within the shadow
I am asking, since I seem to exist in dimensions with laws outside the physics of the world. Or – let’s say that I am “here” which seems to be in my house, and therefore ruled by physical laws – but my Guidance has no problem in manipulating physical instruments, like the radio-receiver. This is very practical when it comes to my connection with the Holy – God, Christ, The Universe, All that is – my Self – because when It started to twix the physical instruments many years ago, I realized that it had an intention with that – to make me notice that the Universe was on “my side”, wanting to assist me. At that time – about 25 years ago – I was exploring the common themes among my Expressive Arts Therapy patients and during some years I found ten archetypes we all had in common – described in my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.
These forms of energy seemed to rule us – and we all seems to have been abused in some way – physical, sexual or mental.
So the All That IS knew I needed help, and it amused Itself and us with arranging seemingly weird “coincidences” when we painted or were creating stories. ( The book is prop-full with these “signs” – with the title ” Blue is Playing.”) I named IT Blue, since I SAW the Divine as blue-)
Back to this morning – I was turning on a favorite music program and there was no sound. I turned the receiver up to maximum, and when I put my ear close to the loudspeaker I could hear a faint whiff of sound.
Then I “heard” a giggle ( it actually is felt within my body as pure playfulness) – and I found myself pondering ” hmm – do I simply have to TURN UP my listening / receiver? – ahh – could it be my reception to the Holy I need to turn up?”
Then this poem came floating in:
How can I listen to you when the Sun is on
the day swarms around me with cries for attention:
Poinsettia, table, legs, teddy in sofa,
the book titled BREATH
and OH the Beech outside the window
like a slender dancer
You need to scream to me, God
Nonono 🙂just turn your Love-receiver up
tuning in to Joy-station
let it take youBolero by Ravel
***
I went out for a hike
Everyone smiled radiantly to me
I was overwhelmed by beauty
and IT was within everybody and everything
Most of the thick old and sick wood has been removed now – I have a glorious VIEW
This was thick wood with trees going up to at least 50 meter. Here was a wall of graffiti in the thick of the wood before – now openly strutting
The wall of that mountain is about 100 meter tall – 33 feet – and I have never SEEN it since the wood was too dense
My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and who has shared her feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”
Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”
I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.
It was a BLANK PAGE.
This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.
The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)
and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:
“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”
Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.
Now we have a shining opportunity:
In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.
And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .
Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***
And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:
I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.
***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”
This blog is the place for me to share openly ( often with embarrassment) – to support myself in giving my self a voice, and share the insights and gift from my spiritual and creative process.
In the Way of the Heart, chapter three instructs us thoroughly through the forgiveness process, as Jeshua/ Jesus explains it and learned it.
FORGIVENESS Jeshua 1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35) “Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’ “Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to… see the innocent light within them.” (page 36) 2. “It is very, very important to let each day to be sufficient unto itself. When you end your day, always truly end it… As you take a deep breath as you rest your head upon the pillow, look upon of the whole day, embrace it with your consciousness, and as you let your breath go out, say silently to yourself: ‘I release and forgive this day. It has been perfect. And it is done.’” (page 38)’
I have studied this for many years – and it is amazing how many layers there has been for me to see the simplicity in it. Example: This night I found issues with betrayal from a brother – and looked for a situation within me where I had done the same. I could see it – and what was more important was, that I could see that at that time I thought I had no choice – I thought I HAD to stay with that man,since inside me was a terrified little girl who was raised to believe that she could NOT take care of herself – so I traded “safety” for “being supported.”
This time I embraced her – and also fully embraced my mother who also had that pattern – and my brother too – and saw how it all was splendidly set up for me for truly experience all flavors of it this life. Now waves of light flowed into me, and I gradually could see the sacred essence of them all – and recognize the “contracts” we set up before this incarnation – to play these roles in our family to make these energies available to be seen, known and transformed. Since it is not possible to forgive anything I haven’t first embraced.
To see Jekyll and Hyde-abuse as a valuable lesson for us who want to wake up is what my books are all about – how can I use it creatively – poetically – how can we create art out of it?
Since art and playfulness is the very essence of our true Self
Maybe that is good question for you too – “what has my experiences led me to believe / do/ think that is truly valuable?
IF not, I would not have been able to write ” When Fear Comes Home to Love” which has helped so many – students /patients/readers .
and the 108 creative exercises in “108 Ways to Transform Crises into Possibilities” –
and Hilaryon Stories – a novel
When you click at the images, you will be led to reviews
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Leaving the womb: entering life fully 