For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –

 

The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.

 

This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.

 

As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.

 

My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.

 

So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.

 

And I feel present

 

How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful

Gifts from the Universe

I live after the adage:  “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the Universe, so the Soul” – believed to be said by Hermes Trismegistus.

This was a spam that popped up on my beloved writer forum for two days – each time I tried to log in. I talked to Kit about it – how awful it felt to be locked out from the group – not reading the others’ poems this week, not being able to play with charades on another thread. I thought this COULD not be something my Self had “made” – but took advantage of the disgusting feeling I got at not having others to read and comment on my work.

Then I decided – YES, if I really can’t get in any more, I WILL write poems all the same. I also saw the pun: this was from TELENOR – the biggest Telecompany in the land I currently live and work. Telephone = metaphor for connection: a free gift from them sounds very good to me. And now I am giggling: it IS really a free gift to realize that I am not depended on others to create – and I made a vow to create  each day ANYWAY, even if only for a minute.

How did I make myself a hit for this scam? by constantly asking the Universe for help where i still am caught in old beliefs and energy-stuckness.

And after constant barrage of the sign for two whole days, and me taking that clear decision, today the writer forum is clear and available again – and my PC is healthy and well functioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark Night of the Soul

With permission from Pamela Kribbe, this is an excerpt from her book “Dark Night of the Soul.” I love to quote this here – I found my personality-type perfectly described in the beginning of her book, and it has been a huge help for me, since the description so clear.

And so it might be helpful for some of my readers too.

These words come from  Pamela’s Mary Magdalene – channeling:

Those patterns that repeat themselves – now look at them as boulders in a stream. They are still worn down and pushed by the water that moves past them. Remember that you ARE the living water! The more you remind yourself of this, the more you can reclaim the energy from the boulders and stones in the stream.

There is pain from the past that continues to be there, you don’t have to downplay it, but neither do you have to hug those boulders from the river. You only have to remind yourself that YOU are the water!

I am this huge waterway – an actual life-force. The flow has no judgments about the boulders that it encounters – it engulfs them.  You do have a choice!

The more you withdraw your identity from these blockages, the rocks that lie there, the more easily the current can dislodge them and carry them down with the flow. They are dislodged and liberated because your release your identity with them and instead identify with the dynamic moving water. The water is your Soul and it cannot be restrained.

Our soul is not at all troubled by the boulders and their size, because It knows they are an integral part of the landscape of life. Try to, when you feel you are imprisoned within one such boulder, to HEAR the water rushing by.

About darkness:

Do not be afraid of darkness  –  welcome it! When you say yes, it begins to release and flow, and that is the art of living this life. And when you can’t really say yes to this, remember that there is something in you that still says yes. That is what will save you and bring you further along – trust in life!

 

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

The Elevation of the Divine Feminine

These days it is the male teachings that has moved me forward.) Two times lately when being in hell I have opened one of my wise-quotes-notebooks and always my finger has pointed at Israels long and intense teaching. NOW they are meeting me in this perfect place where I am fully ready 🙂

What a timing!

My inner male is receiving so much healing and rehabilitation these last weeks! My dream-men treat me with gentleness and affection, and a healthy sexuality is starting to replace the old kind, filled with guilt and shame

Last night (dream) I sat in the bus with a man who I like a lot, and just him spiderweb-soft touching my hand sent me into heaven – the atmosphere between us was playful and tender.

This night dream I was together with a big group, training in shamanism – and there was a grand big ritual in a circle where the male leader lifted me up so I sat on his shoulders ( this was heavy 🙂 and was done in two stages) and he carried me around the whole circle while I felt the love from him and FOR him and inside me – an acknowledgment of the Soul/Self’s mastery.

The collective male is lifting and supporting and carrying the collective feminine AT LAST

That makes me unspeakable happy

Invitation to online Playshop in healing

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
*

Invitation to 7 week online course in healing dragons

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a play shop (not workshop.) Two days ago, my Self came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering group work. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online play shop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience ,working like this the last 29 years, that when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and allow Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may look through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. You don’t have to. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I will post Q and A’s about the details

And a good long list of “what If’s” that will help if the dragon convinces you that you are useless.

We will start Monday 25th September. I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please mail me your name and mail address. Registration starts September 15th
*
About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.

Trusting the Process

Trusting the Way of the Heart- process truly pays off. And is SO interesting!
Lately I have done a lot of Donna Eden’s Energy Medicine to support the depths of darkness that comes up, and have focused on helping the Triple Warmer.

Here is a paragraph from Donna’s article “ Energy Medicine: Triple Warmer and Radiant Circuits “By Donna Eden
Published: December 1, 2009

“Triple warmer is traditionally recognized as simultaneously operating both as a meridian and as a radiant circuit. It is a meridian, but it functions in ways that are beyond the scope of any other meridian in that it networks the energies of all the meridians to counter an invader. It also operates as a radiant circuit. Radiant circuits do not follow specific pathways. They are more diffuse and intersect all the meridians. Rather than stay on its own meridian line, triple warmer energy jumps its course and, like a radiant circuit, hooks up with the other meridians and organs to network information. It also works to heat up the body in conjunction with the hypothalamus gland, the body’s thermostat and ***instigator of the fight-or-flight response.***

Let me add FREEZE to the fight or flight-response – since that is what I have lately experienced within, and what the Universe faithfully has mirrored back to me, by freezing up both my PC and the TV.

The fourth time it happened a little light went on 🙂 and I remembered that I have set these kind of synchronicities up this life, as a way to show me where I need to heal. So the same day I got mails about “Ways to soothe the Triple Warmer”, and realized that must mean that my TW needs soothing.

But I have learned that soothing that system is not for sissies. – its like telling a frantic person to “pull yourself together,dear.”

And then I remembered what I had read on Donna’s Facebook site: a friend had a discussion with an experienced practitioner, who told her  that TW felt offended/ not respected when we soothe it too much. And a BIG AHA came to me: I would do a Spontaneous Transformation on it. ***That means 1) Finding where in the body it most precisely could be contacted ( “Inner ear” it said )
2)Establish myself as the Observer of it, so not to mesh with it
3) Let the TW know that “I am here. I am in support of you. I am not going anywhere.”

I immediately sensed a shift in the energy: it felt seen.
I told it it was free to express any feelings it had, and anger of being not respected came first. I heaped tons of appreciation on it for working overtime for me so many years to protect me and helping me be in balance. That created yet another deep shift into relaxation.

I shared my gratefulness for its work, more and more, and it resulted in more and more relaxation. I am getting shivers down my back just writing this – it really IS an entity, working on my/our behalf. I encouraged it to feel all that was needed, and lots of deep grief of being unappreciated for ones great gifts came up.This might of course also be my soul’s experiences attaching to the TW – humans for sure feel that a LOT.

Having done that for quite a while, the big shift comes ( it always does, in Spontaneous Transformation)  –  that happens naturally as more and more deep feelings have been allowed and felt and released.

Asking it what it needed now, after all of this, it answered “I need to feel/sense you are acknowledging me, not taking me for granted any longer.”

I asked how that would feel, and another wave of release poured through me.

The day after this happened, I connected deeply with an artist/author/poet who spoke at a center close to me. I have admired her silly crazy wonderful excellent books for years, and she was one of my late husbands students. So I texted her and asked if we could meet afterwards.

That meeting felt like twins having been separated, not knowing about each other for a whole life, and then meeting. And the gift about having connected and will BE connecting/meeting is also for me that she is a HUGE pointer to my creativity – to allow it to bloom and get OUT there,as she does.

So, trusting the process, YES and YES to that 🙂

I am so grateful

 *** Spontaneous Transformation: click on the badge in the right menu.

 

Inner sculptures

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training –  29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in  my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark  and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

 

Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.

*

And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say