For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –

 

The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.

 

This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.

 

As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.

 

My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.

 

So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.

 

And I feel present

 

How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful

Squiggly Dance for Sorry Asses

I have had the Hater’s shrieks in my ears constantly for over a year.

Writing a poem about it has been very helpful! And also making up new words.

 

******

Tis the voice of Green Hater. I heard him declare:
I am coming to shock you, now please be aware

that I could not care less, no  in truth do I swear

I despise your meek manners, your silverlipped tongue

and your drooping eyelids and songs long unsung

I will come in broad daylight and scare you  quite shitless

I’ll mock your big bum and your wit that is witless

You nincompoop sorryass, daftness itself

I will see you for sure in your innermost hells

where you mope and you moan and you scratch yourself red

and your innermost hope is to drop down all dead.

 

Tis the voice of the writer, I heard her declare:

Oh Hater, I say; be aware, be aware

of my silly-spun heart and my giggly air!

I will spin into rhymes every threat that you throw

ev’ry dullwinded shriek, ev’ry word tasting..OH!!

I will force you to dance with me, following steps

that you never have stepped in your life, little qweps.

I will force you to do what you never have done:

dance to your own silly threats – oh what fun!

I will unnerve your nibs, I will squiggle your goggles

And then then let us have us some heartily bubbles!

 

Signs

Followers of the blog will know that I am gifted with lots of signs from The Universe.

The one yesterday was very clear and elegant. I had planned going to a Van Gogh exhibition and was picked up by my daughter and beau in his self-driving car. I had been feeling poorly the last three days and wanted a sign  if this was a good choice. We get into the car, and I ask my daughter if she wants to join me in blessing the road and the drive. It feels wonderful – and when F wants to start, a sign comes up at the dashboard: “Unsafe to start and stop. Please get help.”

So I did not go:)