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HILARYON STORIES -When the mind tries to understand things – to feel safe and have control – it cannot open to the beauty of life in all its nuances. Those of us with big trauma in our luggage has actually survived by controlling, pushing the traumas deep down- and because of all of that underground activity, Illnesses arrive, physical and psychic. All the avoiding systems, carefully architected, grow like a jungle, slinging their lianas criss – crossing through our nervous system. It saved us then, and now it produces strange fruit.I wanted to know – how can I be of help? How can I use my jungle-knowledge to serve in this world with so much putrefying agony, where frequently the trees grow so dense that the light cannot reach us down here? I have been given a muse – I write stories and poems that may heal and give hope. The muse is full of strength and outrageousness and laughter; it is a pleasure to allow her to use me.In my practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist, the healing story arises in the sacred space between the student and me. One of us start with a sentence or more, the other continues when it feels right. The story grows and we follow, often fantastic and outrageous, and there use to be a place where we both have no idea where – and IF – it will find an end. It ends when we stick with it- trusting the spirit that plays with us, knowing precisely what we both need to heal and grow. When we get there, there is relief, gratitude, deep breathing. And it turns out that this particular story precisely addressed the student’s predicament at that moment in time.Hilaryon Stories is created in this way. If you “try to understand” you will hurt. I invite you to you read by just going for the ride – trusting that the path through it will lead to a clear and beautiful space within you ( and the jungle.) No need to try to understand – the story, as it was given me through 5 years and two years pause – has ability to heal deep collective unconscious patterns. I know that from experience. If you are one of those travelers who would like to clear a bit of jungle, your soul may thank you for it. In these times with tremendous uncertainty about most anything, Hilaryon Stories is a bona fide path back Home – it teaches you to let go and trust – just like it did me. My muse presented me with the chapters in a seemingly disorganized pattern – precisely to give the readers the experience of having lost the path in the jungle. If you hang in there, joining the characters in their experiences of loss, longing and playfulness, I trust that you will find your own joy – the point of it all. Here is a review: I finished the book – and miss it dearly! I wish I could read on every night from now on! The sense of it all still escapes my mind, yet it left me feeling uplifted and joyful, playful and very grateful! When I did a little grounding meditation yesterday, I decided to visit my belly from the inside. ( My belly has been like seven months pregnant for years, feeling uncomfortable. I believe, I shut it down in many ways.) So I let my awareness travel down there and found only darkness and barren land. Then, suddenly it started to transform! I saw grass growing, and streams meandering – looked like Ireland. A change again and it was a kind of Hobbiton ! Flowers, little houses and JOY! Abundance everywhere! Little people dancing, singing, eating, creating! Perhaps not so dissimilar to Hilaryon… My life force energy was moving as a strong tingling in my lower belly! I just loved it!

We all have JOY inside. What if your own joy could open just by reading the book – just like I felt when I was “downloading” the chapters.

Presents

When I sat down at the table at my daughters Saturday, there were heaps of presents. They were exquisitely wrapped, and I felt a sinking in the stomach. “This is over the top” an inner voice said. Every detail was prepared to perfection – but there was a sensation of deep desperation about it all.

The effect on me was nauseating.

For me, it is like this: if it feels good for both the giver and the receiver, the gift has true value. If not, there are underlying unconscious expectations:

I give to be seen as “loving” ( which I secretly “know”I am not.)

I give to feel safe ( “now I will not be attacked)

I give something to be loved and to feel valuable and good.

The more gifts, the more I show how much I love

I know my daughter as a radiant teacher of love, so this was gift to me on a higher level – it happened to show me something. And only late 24 hours later in the night today did I discover: – what we were caught in, was the archetype of CHILD, that I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love.

A Course in Miracles describes it like this:

“T-16.VII.1. It is impossible to let the past go without relinquishing the special relationship. 2 For the special relationship is an attempt to re-enact the past and change it. 3 Imagined slights, remembered pain, past disappointments, perceived injustices and deprivations all enter into the special relationship, which becomes a way in which you seek to restore your wounded self-esteem. 4 What basis would you have for choosing a special partner without the past? 5 Every such choice is made because of something “evil” in the past to which you cling, and for which must someone else atone.”

CHILD is the part of the psyche that thinks itself inherently unworthy and loved in her essence: – you only GET love by following others’ expectations – a special relationship is based on the belief in separation. You adapt and perform and adjust – but in your essence, there is something inherently WRONG with you. You exist for others, period.

I started to explore the expectations CHILD may have behind giving gifts: to be loved, to feel safe, to be seen as nice and good and special in many ways. I became acutely aware that the horrible sensations and energies I have felt for two days now came from Child – and I recognized it as a soul gift from my beloved daughter.

For all that I have not accepted and owned as mine, I cannot embrace and forgive. And the gift in this presentation was to present a lot of presents that were over the top – both in wrapping and economy. The agony came from all that this Child in us has repressed: the need to be loved and held, valued just as s/he is – seen in her particular character and treasured just like s/he is.

Our World, as the Course teaches it, is the place where God’s One Child ( us all) play out the belief in separation – we have to DO something to EARN love.We deny the inherent value we all have as God’s child. We eat of the Tree of Good AND evil – and the soul does it to find the way to love ALL OF IT, recognizing that the “evil” springs from confusion, forgive and find the love in our heart that can house it all, and transform the energies. Jesus tells us that when I forgive a confused part of the small/separated mind, I have made it a bit easier to forgive – a bit more available to forgive for everybody – since there is only ONE MIND in reality.

And in reality, this (“my”) mind is one with God’s mind – all filled with Love. And since Love loves all things and allows us to play in all ways to experience the consequences of a separated mind, I can turn to Love now – the essence of what I am in truth – and own my choice for separation and all its consequences. Being there NOW, I can extend forgiveness to myself for the choice I made and choose again:

Love.

As this Love starts to permeate my creation, the agony melts and there is a deep knowing that my true value, given me by Love has never been disturbed.

And I can communicate this to my daughter from my soul to hers – and if necessary, I will find words to share with her eye to eye as well.

Some photos of this True Love that I have saved:

This is Anna – grandmother of Jesus . painted by Leonardo DaVinci.

A crushed bowl – mended with gold and love – helping me to see the value in the wound

This photo has followed me all my life – I sucked the forefinger too, and animals were safe

This is in my mind how Jesus would look if he were a cat

Personal or Collective

For many months now, at about 5pm CET-time, a deep field of agony has filled me – and many times I have wondered if it could not be personal. As long as something in me grabs it to herself and her “story”, I end up eating it away – and so I have prayed deeply for help to find out  how to deal with it in  a healing way.Today I watched, for the second time, a marvelous film called “La Fine Fleur” –

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11190652/

Toward the end – just before the situation arrived where the main person believed “ it is hopeless, I will lose it all” I started to feel the usual agony that has repeated itself for months – and recognized i’ts essence. And in a huge wave of gratitude I realized that what had visited me was just the emotional charge of the belief “It’s hopeless, I will lose it all.” Simply said – this is the way it feels.

As soon as I recognized that this was not “mine” – and it is certainly not true – the energy poured right through me and down into the ground. I wonder how many of us are plagued by all the collective turmoil – and how many takes it personally. It is a vast difference in experience: if it is “mine”, there is resistance, judgment and story in it – and my personal nervous system will be engaged. If it is recognized as “ours” it feels like Grace to allow it to pass through.

Toward the end – just before the situation arrived where the main person believed “ it is hopeless, I will lose it all” I started to feel the familiar agony that has repeated itself for months – and recognized its essence. In a huge wave of gratitude I realized that what had visited me was just the emotional charge of the collective belief “It’s hopeless, I will lose it all.” Simply said – this is the way it feels.

As soon as I recognized that this was not “mine” – and it is certainly not true – the energy poured right through me and down into the ground. I wonder how many of us are plagued by the collective turmoil – and how many takes it personally. It is a vast difference in experience: if it is “mine”, there is resistance, judgment and story in it – and my personal nervous system will be engaged. If it is recognized as “ours” it feels like Grace to allow it to pass through.

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

The Place of I Do Not Know

My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and  who has shared her  feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”

Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”

I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.

It was a BLANK PAGE.

This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.

The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)

and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:

“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately  – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”

Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.

Now we have a shining opportunity: 

In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.

And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .

Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of  Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***

And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:

I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.

***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

New Frequencies of Thoughts -New Species

Today, on my way home from our nearest town, it rained, I had three bags, face mask and was a bit tired  – and I realized, I am supremely satisfied and happy in that moment.  My face mask always feels very unpleasant – I feel a bit suffocated, and there is dampness inside. NOW the air inside felt – not only pleasant, but pleasurable. The air felt vigorous!! I realized that my overall frequency had increased.

This lasted for hours. Nothing had changed in my world, but everything was different. Everything was a joy to experience

At home, I had my bi-monthly dyad-session with my friend Kit. We have done this for more that fourteen years and we are very happy with what happens.

I have her permission to share this:

She told me that she for the first time had been hacked – and how unpleasant it felt. She allowed those feelings, breathing into them- and then she said, “What I really want is to offer the hacker my love.”

There was a huge shift in energy. We sat with that for a while, and she added “Everything is a portal. A possibility for transformation.” We shared times where we have been invaded – and how the process had taken years: we need first learn to take care of ourselves, setting borders etc – and gradually we come to see that everything/everybody we react to, mirrors some part of ourself that needs love and forgiveness. When we love that inner part, more than often the outer manifestation changes.We realized the level of healing we had obtained by “hanging in there” for so many years. And that most of the time, the latest year, had consisted of not knowing where a process wanted to go, and just follow with interested curiosity.

At the end of our time, a dog across her street started to yelp. That dog was chained outside a shop, and did not like to be left. -Each time this has happened, we have asked where we feel left – or “what does the dog complain of today?”and then we talk to the dog “inside” and love him/her, and always when we make that connection the dog stops yelping.

This time my association was to an old inner image of a child in a hole in the ice – having left all hope go. This time I found myself reassuring her that she WAS out of the ice – this was just a reminder of her earlier overall catastrophic mind. She realized it at once and I became wonderfully warm inside. Maybe just a few more times and she will be integrated.***

*** This inner child is part of an archetype that I explore with my students in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” You find it in the right menu, and can read reviews on the Amazon page if interested,

Kit suggested that we may have been trained by our process to have climate-friendly thoughts – and as she said this, I got an image of what I have read many places: there are NEW species “coming in”  – the scientists don’t know how – but new animals, new plants and new bugs arriving – and even some creatures popping up in a different continent than before. Maybe when a certain amount of people has raised the frequency of their thoughts – from fear and limitation to Love –  this may  be mirrored in new creations of life – new species.

If you google “new species” I think you will be surprised.

Here are a few examples: A marvelous new flowering plant from Mexico. Image © 2019 Jonathan Amith.

The newly described cat-eyed cardinalfish. Image © 2019 Mark Erdmann.

Healing the ancestral line

Long times ago, my daughter, then ten, was about to have surgery. I decided to tape the most beautiful music I knew onto a tape she could listen to when under anesthesia. I found that tape today, and I started to text M how filled that tape was with my love for her. I wrote from my heart, and when I read it through, I thought it sounded pompous and bombastic. I got a really strong impulse to delete it – but chose to wait a bit. Next time I looked at the phone, M had sent me 38 hearts.

As I sat and allowed those hearts to be received and embraced, it dawned on me that this fear of being “pompous” comes from my father – and his father before him – far away back. Behind is was a fear of being ridiculed while being innocent and straight ( and presumably not “masculine”.) I set an intention to return it to the original sender and all the related ancestors with my blessings and forgiveness.

This has been a deep healing process for me – and when I “sense into” the energy of returning it with love and no judgment, I can see and sense how that frequency lightens up and is healed far far back into my ancestral line.

So something to ponder about – ask yourself ” who does this belong to?” and if you “hear” a name or “see” a face, let it all be returned, with all the love you can muster for the agony of so much self hatred and guilt.

And may I invite you to have look at my three books in the right menu. “Hilaryon Stories” is the last one – a novel about healing deep old hatred with playfulness and music.

 

GLORIA

3 miracles!

Yesterday morning: working the usual way with dark energies – suddenly seeing the little girl surrounded by Lightbeings, and  feeling / seeing the light and energy all through her and me. This is being healed now– there is nothing I need to do.

This night: the same deep agony as always – and the deep insight, not to be doubted at all: YOU don’t need to go through this any longer.

It is the I / ME who is removed now. No ME healing stuff – just healing happening through me, me letting it happen. The dark went right through without any trace left.

Third time: even clearer now: I, Leelah, don’t need to do this any longer. Complete relaxation, just allowing it to go through, not being affected at all

 

I will not go until you bless me

When the agony came in the night, I heard myself say out loud, but so tenderly: I will turn around and bless you.

I have always been fascinated with the story in the Bible when the man with leprose grabs Jeshua’s coat and says this to him. Googling for this now, I see that I have mixed two stories: The story about Jacob wrestling with the angel, and the leper wanting Jesus to heal him. I was certain that the leper had said “I will not let you go until you bless me” – and googling now, I see that those were Jacob’s words.

Those words  still carry great meaning and truth: I cannot heal what I first have not blessed.

In A Course of Miracles, J tells us to say this internally when we feel threatened by another: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I have practiced this often – i remember particularly one hot train-day back home, when very unpleasant behavior in other train passengers changed and melted  like butter in the sun – only because I was willing to see their true nature.

So in the night I by Grace turned toward the agony and said this, and extreme tensions  I have carried for a whole life and probably more, started to melt out of me. I realized I had contributed to their being there, by always intensely resisting them and judging them and myself.

Gradually I was helped to see that the agony consisted of a myriad of judged feelings and thoughts – and that the healing consisted of simply accepting them now, seeing them as neutral, not giving them any power by giving them meaning and telling stories about them.

This morning I wanted to share this here, and googled for the original words from the leper. Google brought me to this site – which is not what I was looking for, but what I needed:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/i-will-not-let-you-go-unless-you-bless-me

 

 

Open the Door!

Recently when my alarm went off ( false alarm) and I clicked the code to turn it off, that code ( symbol: old learned way of turning it off) DID NOT WORK. The Alarm screamed and howled, and I went frantic and clicked some more. Then a deep inner calm: Blue said ” do the very opposite.”

I opened the entrance door wide – the alarm instantly stopped.

Teaching: open your heart to what you before have closed off to and kept away as “threats.”

So this morning, the usual morning agony of extreme overwhelm started – and this time, I immediately knew: this is NOT a threat, it is an opportunity to remember Who I am.

I relaxed and allowed it. knowing fully that I can TRUST GOD now.

The chaotic energy  from the collective human mind poured in – and when it was met with curiosity and wonder, it transformed.

I yawn just by writing it down.

I AM WILLING TO TRUST NOW – and I will celebrate it! YESSS!! HOORAYY! I DID IT!!!

Since what I give thanks for, grows and is attracted to me

This is so vitally important to remember: each time I now become aware that something has changed in my mind, I will celebrate it, give thanks for it, write it down, make it MATTER – truly make it  essential and wonderful in my life.

I see that old mind that I have fed with fear, for aeons ( the word-correcting-program suggested “canons”🙂 )  is like a child – and that I am in charge. I am the elder, the Observer, I am connected to my Source, and in this state of no resistance and fear, I act. And when I forget, hey, there I go again. breathe now, breathe deeply, connect with Mother Earth, connect with the Core.

The mind instantly tell that it does not know how – and I tell it again: you don’t have to, child. I am the Elder, I am in charge.

I wrote a poem the day before yesterday – it came automatically. It aforesaid  what I have realized fully this morning.

Here it is again.Look at the blue:

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain
I am your holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths
I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward
I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the
Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,
Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart broken open

No other