For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –
 
The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.
 
This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.
 
As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.
 
My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.
 
So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.
 
And I feel present
 
How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful

Squiggly Dance for Sorry Asses

I have had the Hater’s shrieks in my ears constantly for over a year.

Writing a poem about it has been very helpful! And also making up new words.

 

******

Tis the voice of Green Hater. I heard him declare:
I am coming to shock you, now please be aware

that I could not care less, no  in truth do I swear

I despise your meek manners, your silverlipped tongue

and your drooping eyelids and songs long unsung

I will come in broad daylight and scare you  quite shitless

I’ll mock your big bum and your wit that is witless

You nincompoop sorryass, daftness itself

I will see you for sure in your innermost hells

where you mope and you moan and you scratch yourself red

and your innermost hope is to drop down all dead.

 

Tis the voice of the writer, I heard her declare:

Oh Hater, I say; be aware, be aware

of my silly-spun heart and my giggly air!

I will spin into rhymes every threat that you throw

ev’ry dullwinded shriek, ev’ry word tasting..OH!!

I will force you to dance with me, following steps

that you never have stepped in your life, little qweps.

I will force you to do what you never have done:

dance to your own silly threats – oh what fun!

I will unnerve your nibs, I will squiggle your goggles

And then then let us have us some heartily bubbles!

 

Signs

Followers of the blog will know that I am gifted with lots of signs from The Universe.

The one yesterday was very clear and elegant. I had planned going to a Van Gogh exhibition and was picked up by my daughter and beau in his self-driving car. I had been feeling poorly the last three days and wanted a sign  if this was a good choice. We get into the car, and I ask my daughter if she wants to join me in blessing the road and the drive. It feels wonderful – and when F wants to start, a sign comes up at the dashboard: “Unsafe to start and stop. Please get help.”

So I did not go:)

SAKINA

After sitting with the inner attacker and embracing him, my body went crazy: so much old repressed energy cascaded out, the body swells and is intensely itchy.  What at last alleviated it was my steadfast decision to remember Who I am and to acknowledge it – the more i did it, the more I knew it was TRUTH.

Clear inner message: Energy medicine with balancing the meridian system is OK – AND you need to find your connection with Me.

In the morning saw that a person – a sufi teacher♥ – had “liked” a post – and I knew that this hardship is part of the path I am called to walk THROUGH – and its tenacity has its root in identifying with the resistance to Love, like the Attacker:

I need to stop seeing these patterns as ME or MINE – since then I am identified with it and illness may happen. In the huge physical manifestations last night I notice that what was healing was my insistent and repeated practice of “AM ONE SELF – joined with my Creator, unlimited in power and in peace.” Suddenly the itching was there, but the identity with it had gone – now I could just BE there and breathe through it – it was not ME any longer, not “my” body.

Here is the text God via the blog writer “Inner Peace” wanted me to read again:

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:  http://beautywelove.blogspot.com/
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
 
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

Solitaire or Self

Everything is coming to me to gift me

I’ve got an urinary infection – I bleed. I feel quite calm – this is not cancer – this is the past coming up to be given full awareness and compassion. I start sitting with it, breathing with it, blessing it, and it starts to talk like living thing – even a person. We become intimate, and I am a mother to it now, cradling in my arms, as strange as that sounds. I remember the way my body showed what could not be mentioned – the pain and agony in my lower body: not only abused by others, but abused and rejected by me – this is what we do when we are mishandled in any way –  blaming ourselves – the wrong person is feeling the shame.

Now, sitting with it tenderly – I breathe all the shame back to the ones who placed it on me – knowing that they too received this great inner pain from someone else – and that in the beginning, there is just confusion and ignorance, and we put a “me” on that – like it belongs to a somebody. It belongs to the thought system of fear – called ego – and now we can sort it out.

 

Another break with the past:

I want to feel the freedom and release I feel when I win a game of Patience ( that happens many times in a row these days ) WITHOUT depending on an electronic game – I want to find it while linking up with my Self.

With great resistance I decided to NOT play again, and intended to find the same peace without the Patience.

The energy is still reverberating through me as I write this – big waves, tensions slipping out, tears running.

Armour

There is an armour around my heart and lungs – experienced consciously for at least 30 years. Physically, I have sensed it as a steel band, or a coat of cement – x-rays show it as a dark mass – malignant, say doctors, but not so malignant that they have to operate it out

I recently bought the book ” It did not start with you” by Mark Wolynn, and on this welcome-page he has several short videos. I looked at nr 8 – “She pulled out her hair.” In 6 minutes he gives us the very essence of healing;

the breath – the holding – and the awareness.

When I held my heart/lung area, I sensed the huge longing to be held – without being “comforted away” from the feeling, not being fixed – just held and loved WITH the longing.

My mother passes over years ago, but the last days I have been able to sit with her and communicate – and today I gave her back all the guilt I have held for her – that she again had held for others. I breathed it back to her, and left was just this immense longing to be HELD without expectations of ANY kind – just held like I was, feeling what I was. Not fixed.

That longing – it is in us all, I believe. To be witnessed as that, held as that, embraced with that

 

The little girl in the sunspot

In these days I am working with – playing with – the old persona: the one who is simply “wrong”, the one who has accepted this, because it gives her an opportunity to ” better” herself, to adapt into what the others want her to be – and so  be SAFE.

When I talk to her in the morning, and ask her if she is willing to let go of that belief and idea that she is wrong – she says yes! and then – ” but who will I be when I am not HER??” and she shares her panic of losing herSELF and be eaten by demons.

In this moment a clear image comes to mind – my brother told me this, many years ago:

I am 2 years old – sitting on the floor, playing with something – stones maybe – and I am sitting in the center of a bright and shining sunspot. My brother shared the radiant peace and joy in that image –

and now I share it with my little girl:

THIS is who you are. – is THIS you in danger? is there anything wrong with her?

Nothing.

And she sees that everything else she has thought about herself, how she “is”, is simply the costumes she has taken on through life – the costumes that belongs to her role that is part of the play this family has played out this life.

I am that girl in that circle – and the truth is that  this Light comes out of Who I am – who we all are, when we are willing to see the Godfilledness in all, as the  very fabrics of the Universe that is us

I invite my readers to take a peek into the two books in the right menu – they contain experiences, insights and playful methods to use our pain and transform it into gold. The loving Voice who guides me is the loving voice inside us all – always ready at our choice to receive it.

Right now – this child is YOU, outside time and space, forever safe in the arms of LOVE

 

Gifts from the Universe

I live after the adage:  “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the Universe, so the Soul” – believed to be said by Hermes Trismegistus.

This was a spam that popped up on my beloved writer forum for two days – each time I tried to log in. I talked to Kit about it – how awful it felt to be locked out from the group – not reading the others’ poems this week, not being able to play with charades on another thread. I thought this COULD not be something my Self had “made” – but took advantage of the disgusting feeling I got at not having others to read and comment on my work.

Then I decided – YES, if I really can’t get in any more, I WILL write poems all the same. I also saw the pun: this was from TELENOR – the biggest Telecompany in the land I currently live and work. Telephone = metaphor for connection: a free gift from them sounds very good to me. And now I am giggling: it IS really a free gift to realize that I am not depended on others to create – and I made a vow to create  each day ANYWAY, even if only for a minute.

How did I make myself a hit for this scam? by constantly asking the Universe for help where i still am caught in old beliefs and energy-stuckness.

And after constant barrage of the sign for two whole days, and me taking that clear decision, today the writer forum is clear and available again – and my PC is healthy and well functioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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