Judgments falling

My very root-lesson – to meet insane hateful mental/energetic attacks from men (and expect it from some of them whose energy I recognize immediately ) – is presented to me yet again. The Course tell me that every lesson that I have not mastered are presented to me until I DO see through them and master them. This is such an opportunity.

This morning I thought about Pete – a guy that last year changed from Dr.Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in mail-conversation with me  – and immediately felt the agony-energy field connected to my identification of it. “I” felt horrible. Asking Blue about it, I heard: “ Let go of the false identity-hook.”

So what I realize, is that I immediately recognize “Now the guy is in his hatred again – identifying with it.” And as soon as I mix “me” into this by reacting to it, I am caught in  my story – “a false identity-hook.” And if I now – if Pete will react this way in our correspondence again – can just recognize when he is caught in his pattern – and just allow him to be there, without trying to fix it at all – just embracing him in my mind – that might be “the lesson learned.” In that acceptance is included that  I recognize that there is no little Leelah who is being attacked – it is not little Leelah who is doing the embracing.

Before, little Leelah did the embracing – and that has attributed to the pain.

When I child believes in any way that she is responsible to save/help her parents, MORE pain is created. The child does it from love – and cannot know that its “sacrifice” leads to more suffering. It creates more suffering for itself by believing that it can “help” the parent in pain. This is “blind love”.

And I see clearly now that it is not the “false-identity-love”  that can embrace the father – it is Presence. And Presence is not there, in the child’s perception of the original trauma-situation.

But I can have that now

So if/when Pete attacks again – I may just embrace him/the situation/me in the heart, and not at all try to get him to understand.

The energy-hook is here – but it does not mean that my past is here and little Leelah is here – and it does not mean that I have failed to heal it – this completely obnoxious energy is here, and I am NOT THAT. That it repeats itself with some men, does not mean that I haven’t healed it! These situations will occur in this dimension – identification with stories happen, projections happen. That does NOT negate all the great work that I have done – and I are not  a failure for feeling the way I feel. The fruit of my work is precisely to SEE this. “AH! Good work, since I see this: I can notice what happens, I can sort out, I can distinguish what is stories and trappedness while it happens. And meet it with embrace 🙂


And the fun of catching when I feel really confused and trapped – to overdo it and roll around in it and have fun with it: Oh I don’t understand a shit!!!

And all that has changed in the process is simply this: there are no judgments present for the energy, for myself, for the other. Just awareness and the knowing that the only thing that is real is the knowledge that we both are as God created us – pure light

I have already released it

Subtle but huge change the last 2 days in the 40 days process.

1) When the thousands daily disaster thoughts came, something inside KNEW that only could ignore them and go into Stillness. Just writing that sentence is bliss.

2) I have moved from “I let go of that” to ” I have already let go of that.”

This morning, I opened my own book randomly and read an example of how I had let go of some heavy duty stuff. Meeting that stuff again this morning, I was led to open to book, and read exactly how I had released it.

I tried it out several times: I have already released that. It takes away all false identification, and effortlessly melts away. A short minute of yack maybe – that’s all. Nothing to do with who I am:)



The YES to where we are

Forgetting the lines

Dream this morning, day 11:

On the Underground Tube, station National Theater, the 2. step of the stairs ascending from the depth, stands an old enemy of mine. (Our first meeting 30 years ago was instantaneous love – and then we split into a pair of mutual projections and hate that I rarely have experienced that strong with anybody else. Later I have been willing to realize that she has reflected deep hatred and vulnerability in me – and a meanness that has a strong sickening effect in my body. This morning it has been seen through and forgiven.)

In the dream, I have been given a role at the National Theater. I am in this(“real”) life a master in taking on roles and allowing them to express through me – but I am no good at professional acting, since there is a part of me that goes into performance anxiety and goes blanc when it comes to remember lines. 

I have just tried on the three different costumes I will wear in my three entries – beautiful creations, red, yellow, burgundy, brown, wool, silk, cotton ; they are so “me!” And deep inside is an ice-cold fear that tells me “you cannot play this role – are you crazy? You don’t even know how many lines you have!” I push it down – and then the woman – whose name means “life” – tells me that I am never going to remember those lines!

I perceive her as hateful and mean and obnoxious and accuse and attack her of this – the old hatred between us is sulphurous – and then I wake up and recognize that she only voiced the fear I would not look at.

I feel intensely and sickeningly  strong my need to project on her, to make her the guilty bad disgusting person – and realize, this is what I have believed about mySelf. There is complete forgiveness of us both.

And there follows of course that I see that I have given my father the role of the insane demon -and my mother the role of the ice cold denying witch. It is clearly seen that I have believed this about myself as a seemingly separated being. There are beautiful moments when full realization comes: what a love they all must have for me, being willing to take on these obnoxious roles.

I felt this release very strong this morning – and also now, by sharing it with you.


Creating our fears

Reminders from Julius:  (Italics my comments)

About traumas: The very purpose of trauma is to change us, to expand us. The most binding element in a trauma is the human habit to go back to the way it was before.

We have orchestrated this trauma, as Source – for a transformational purpose.To grow – to expand. (Example of traumas leading to growth, and even awakening: cancer. The trauma crushes the illusionary identification you believe to be.

What helped create the trauma in the first place is our insistence of visualizing disasters that we then have to prepare of. When we read about disasters we immediately go into preparation-mood for finding out what to do in case such a think should happen to us – and it is exactly this by this way of preparation  we are conjuring  our fears –  by preparing to avoid them.

The last is seen as completely true. What a waste of energy – and how i have practiced this! It’s like I have used a whole life to prepare how to behave if something like the original trauma should ever happen again. Now I will just look at those thoughts when they come and be willing to let them go for good.

It is not about getting over things – it is about getting through them.

The anger,resistance self-hatred and fear is another way of being Source.

Seen from Truth, there has been no damage done to you. The only damage that seems to have happened is seen from a human perception.

I’d like you to envision a completely white room  – no windows, no people, no mirrors. Find out what is going on within you when you enter it.

Blue is playing

For new readers: Blue is my inner Guide.

Yesterday I had some bank-work to do. I needed help, and started a chat. Who came on? MAYA

She didn’t know nothing about what I asked about, but pretended she did( aint that illusion for you), so I dismissed her and went to experiment a little on my own in the netbank. Then a new consultant contacted me and asked if i had found the answer.

Guess his name?


Oh he is having such fun with me, my Blue


This is one of the most helpful sentences I have found until now:

I am looking forward to seeing how this resolves itself.

Oh the trust and ease and peace in that!

Mighty horse – and Facebook

I have just found the reason for my repeated morning sickness. It has lasted for about 2 months or so. This morning, when i was about to throw up, at the same time I noticed  a strong impulse to Facebook and mail. As I allowed the to be fully seen, I recognized the collective aspect of it: the need to be validated from someone outside of Self. “Have i got likes to my posts? Do I need to update my status? have I got new friend requests?”

The energy about this is sickening. Below this need to be validated lays an unfathomable despair of believing in unworthyness, and there is an abyss between Source and I. And so one tries to fill this void with signs of being “somebody.”

Maybe it is possible to be on Facebook without constantly checking it – like I read many do, especially teenagers. For me, with this acute sensitivity to energies and archetypes, it is not good.

Why I am there you ask? Because of the 40-daysprocess process. There is a group with almost 1000 people who share their experiences, and that is valuable for me, to not get stuck in fantasies about what is happening to me.

So back to the sickness: As soon as I got the connection between the daily after breakfast-sickness to  my impulse to go instantly to the internet-world, a huge wave of sickness rose – and abated. And that was that: a belief that this was valuable for my soul as a replacement for Self.

Next time i go there, I will go there WITH Christ:)

Yesterday I had a unique healing with a colleague. During the session, gradually heavy darkness left and left and left, and suddenly, there she was: Little Leelah, 4 years old, checkered dress, bow in white hair, running past me, looking up, exclaiming: “I am leaving now! Going home with Jesus!” And in a rush of joy she was gone

At the end of session, it seems that Jesus was holding my head, and not John. After the session, he told me that what he had seen, was a big white horse.

When I asked the horse later what his name was, I heard 2 names:

Ji Khan – and Ya Karim.

So I googled them.

Ji is a suffix used in Sanskrit, to describe someone in a respectful and tender way. Khan is Lord, ruler. Khan is also an anagram for Ankh, which is the image on the ring I have worn for more than 30 years

Ya Karim:

 One who is the most generous, both physically and spiritually.

The One who is continually giving forth the grandest and most precious bounty.

The One whose kind, noble and generous essence is most esteemed, valued and honored.

The One who endlessly gives all manner of  precious gifts, including support and refuge.

The One who is eternally giving, even unto those who may not seem (to us) to be deserving.

And both names comes from the Moslem tradition.

In the night, when darkness came, I called for the mighty horse. The darkness went away



40 days in the desert

I am currently going through a process called “40 days” created by Lisa Natoli. It refers to Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, where he committed to sit until he knew the Truth. And all kind of temptations arose around him – manifestations  of the false mind, the ego thought system  -and he did not budge.

When we sign up for this process – guided with daily audios/videos and blog from Lisa, and a Facebook-group to share experiences in – our soul’s hidden unwanted stuff arises too. And if it does not arise as thoughts in the mind, it manifests outside of us. The process is total commitment to hang in there, whatever seem to happen, inside or outside. Accept everything as it shows itself, know that all is good even though it does not seem like it – know that you rest in Spirit/Self/Christ, and allow IT to do the healing and purification of the mind that is creating these manifestations.

Since I started, the energies in the night have been horrendous. Today, from a liberated view, I see that I have been trapped in false identification with fear-stories.

Today, I am almost finished with the Quan Yin book. It feels like I wrote it myself – so intimate, so absorbed in me is her story. I listened to the CD inside the book with the meditation again and again – and suddenly I got the idea to change my usual bed to another bed in an adjacent room. I even changed my direction in the bed: now my head is in the North.

I slept ca 80 % better

In the morning, the intensely charged fear energies returned -and the usual feelings of hopelessness – and then the idea/inner knowing: “since you notice these false ideas/voices, you cannot be them.”

Gradually the false identification slipped off – I was seen to be the awareness of it all. Deep peace and restfulness.

Then I listened to Lisa Natoli’s audio for today. The following is a mix of my own experiences and Lisa’s story to us on the 5th day.

We are reminded to allow everything to be just like it is – “You need do nothing”, ACIM.

Today the exercise is “Telling the true story.” It points to the fact that a human being identifies with the appearances of things – fear and pain and confusion become “my” fear and pain and confusion = “I am therefore a victim.” Since only Love/Spirit is true and real – deny the appearances of anything else. My belief that the crazy energies each night are “mine” makes it my experience – but true it is not.

Lisa shares how when something happens to us, like these crazy energies/pains to me, we immediately start to tell stories about/interpretations about it; “Oh I am not healed yet. I must be stupid who has not got this already” etc. She helps us see how we beat up on ourselves with shoulding and self-hating. “Oh there is more work to do. Sigh, how overwhelming.” No, it isn’t. I am awake, I was always awake, dreaming about separation. Where I lapse, is where I identify with the false voices and thoughts: like “there is something in me that MUST be fixed before I am free.”

The relief of realizing that the shoulding hating voices can just be there – just noticed, “there I go again, no biggie” is a vast relief.

Lisa shares a true story about Myrtle Fillmore – the following paragraph is from the website:

Myrtle was afflicted with tuberculosis at a young age and spent many years believing she was incurably weak and sickly. While attending a lecture by metaphysician Dr. E.B. Weeks in 1886, Myrtle learned of her innate potential for divine healing through the use of affirmative prayer. She began regularly affirming, “I am a child of God, and therefore I do not inherit sickness.” Over time,(2 years) she was healed of the tuberculosis that had threatened her life.

She knew that the appearance of malaria and tuberculosis was not who she was. And in the same way, I am noticing as true that the appearances of raging pain/darkness is not who I am – just the play of Mara, as the Buddha realized under the Bodhi Tree.

“You are LOVE

That is the only story you should tell”


And today this was in my mail: I love the smile in the desert –

http://www.dailygood.org/ ( see “Painter of the Desert)


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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