new choice

The plastic bag in my hand is dancing all by itself. My stomach churns – something is very wrong – and there I go, flying erratically, knowing that I am not the flier – the demonic is here, the atmosphere is thick with it –

and crystal clear and firm I say:

I am not willing to be used by this

softly I am set down on the ground

I wake up clear in head, nerves shook up

I am simply not willing to be scared by that any longer

still convincing illusion

After last day’s decision to just notice the story lightly and be willing to step away from it, a dream in the night sucked me right back with vehemence. I felt the control-voice in the mind, manifested in the body as iron-contractions and hatred: “you shall never control me – I will do anything to be on top!” The controllee becoming the controller -ego making this drama seem awfully real.

For a long while I was sucked into it, trying to bring healing to it – then I remember that I don’t have to do that, I can just hand it over, being willing to refrain from indulging in the drama and feeding it with my beliefs yet again. It is seeming very real when I sense what seems to be overpowering very angry forces threatening me.

The hardest thing is to realize that I make all this up- when at the same time powerful emotions and their toxic molecules are raging in the body. Boy does it seem real.

Still – it’s not a sin to be stuck in it – and I forgive myself for taking it serious.

it is so simple

I have told myself: I am one who becomes terrified when I meet certain people, and then if I don’t have full control, I may fall into an abyss of domination. It is LIFE -IMPORTANT to foresee these situations and prepare for them. I am this way. Life proves it to me.

I forgive myself for believing in these thoughts.

It is ONLY when I believe in them that I am caught. But it IS just a thought – and the only power I have is to believe it – or not.

I have condemned myself to a life with horror by believing in this story about “me.”

And beyond this horror-story-me is this river of eternal Love. Unchangeable. Available.

So I have landed on this delicious thought today:

“Maybe  I don’t need to believe that fear- and- control-thought?

I see how fast I am whirled into the old familiar story – but gradually I am aware of ”  there I go again” and can make a decision not to see it as TRUE any longer.

And I am grateful that the Holy Spirit will do the rest.

de-stoned and de-raged

In the morning, thinking I should get up now, I fall asleep and  lots of people are gathering around my bed, telling me to get up. With eyes closed I sense that a big fluffy cat is thrown into my bed and curls up at my legs, and a person talks about me sleeping too much, and get up now!

And so I open my eyes and realize that even my dream-figures wants me to wake up.

*

To my last poem-post of children becoming stone, my friend Anne points out:

Relax my dear – you are dreaming!

How would an Army act in dreams?
Any.Way.At.All!

What is valuable IS you!

It has the effect of the Zenmaster’s stick on my sleeping head: stay awake!

And I am out of the stone: just a dream.

Later in the day:

I read through Bernard’s excellent notes from “The Joy of Learning”-workshop with Ken Wapnick, and mark the sentences I want to save in my little Acim-notes-book. Rage. I note the rage and smile. I mark more notes, the rage escalates. I become angry at the rage, notice that. Mark more notes.
I cut out the notes and will glue them in – all but one has disappeared. “I have only got one measly note!!!”rages ego. I return to the notes and repeat the process of marking the notes that I really need to hear. This time I am noticing even more clearly HOW angry the ego is – how whipped it feel of “having to copy these notes to survive” – and still I mark the notes.
Will glue them in – and still only one note is there.
I return to the notes for the third time, all the blue markings are there, and I am laughing all the way from my notebook to Kens notes. You really gottabekidding me! I click cut out for the third time and lovingly glue them in – and all notes are there.

toward morning

4:04am – the hour of Angels

Stories of devils and children trapped within them

half of their bodies wrapped in stone

trolled into the mountain are they

their faces and hands white as  snow

and as cold as

It is familiar in there

safe in the grip of old tired times

with fangs of foul breath

still. you live there

you think and the stoneheld body aches

into something called morning

and the calm heart says

I will not value what is valueless, for what is valuable belongs to me

helpful reminder to my last post

“-pain and all other body experiences are simply what the ego thinks up to prove it exists. That thought seems to be helpful to me.”
This is from Myron Jones’ blog today to lesson 140

And thank you Pam for sitting on the coach with me.

is this forgiveness?

I am writing through a feeling/sensation of something demeaning, hateful, vicious, brutal,paranoid, did I say brutal..phew…contemptuous… there is a ton of judgment about it, and I am so tired of being tired of it, so sick of being sick of it.

No more words

just allowing it to be here

allowing Love to shine through it

maybe that is forgiveness

the crystal which speaks truth

For long periods through the last painful night, I felt my desire to never be without Love, to have everything and feel everything WITH Love.It felt like I had not understood what separation was before – that feeling lonely and forlorn and scared was the same as believing separation had happened and was real. I slowly felt my will waking up, and the agony abated somewhat.

Then I dreamt that I was at an enormous New Age-like Convention (:-)), and told a friend that I had just had a dream where I saw two wondrous beings, a man and a woman – and they wore nothing else than a bearskin and a wolf-skin. They exuded health and joy. Some of my earlier teachers are there – and a man who is a buyer of costly objects and gives them to others who need them. One of these objects is a big crystal-like object. It is set with rubies, emeralds, amethysts, silver, pearls and gold – and it has a midsection where there is something that looks like letters. They move and change as I look at them, and I understand that these are writings direct from Love Itself: this is Truth expressing itself. Somehow this is an Egyptian object, I am told.

(you have to visualize the colors!)

My heart opens in great longing to have these words of Truth available always – and the exquisite Joy of being close to this beauty.

The man who has bought this object is named Hans – which means “His” in English. He leaves for a while, and I borrow it, and sit with it while It is writing Truth on all facets of the crystal. Hans comes back, and I tell him I borrowed it, and what happened with the truth-writing. He tells me that I can have it! It is mine! It is a crystal that belonged to his Master, and it can only belong to those who truly love it. I wonder if I am worthy of such a gift, and we all witness the crystal move by itself toward me, as if I was a magnet for it. It feels a bit like when your beloved child comes running to you, and you feel the love between you, and the great joy.

I am then in a new room, where I view my earlier teacher in Kabbalah – a man of great strength and joy do a practical joke on a friend: the friend is catching a ball, and is overturning a big basket of wheat-kernels. They are dried, and are making a delicious sound.

Now I am in a very filled up bus/train, where a lot of joyous and happy people are going to visit a young couple in love. The atmosphere is brimming with joy and laughter – it feels like Heaven.

Waking up, filled with joy and Love. The body is painful and heavy, and I allow Love to gently shine through whatever needs it.

LESSON 137. When I am healed I am not healed alone.

This is a wonderful practice-day for me.

When I was receiving radiation for breast cancer, there came a moment under the radiation machine where I knew all through that it was WRONG. What was wrong about it was me believing in western medicine’s view of cancer – that you need to nuke the “bad” cells away, and that would also include my healthy cells. My left nipple felt like it was about to fall off – and I said inside:” Archangel Michael, please take over this healing – I want your Light instead of the machines’ .”Immediately I felt and sensed a strong shift in the energy: a mild and strong light embraced me, and I knew my prayer was heard.

And so today’s lesson confirms my experience:

W-pI.137.7.2 When sickness has been seen to disappear in spite of all the laws that hold it cannot but be real, then questions have been answered. 3 And the laws can be no longer cherished nor obeyed.

According to the laws of  Western medicine, the changes in the cells would go on until 14 days after radiation – which meant that the sore and pain would go on getting worse. But I was now under God’s law -and therefore, the pain and sores disappeared completely during the next two days.

W-pI.137.9.2 His gentle lessons teach how easily salvation can be yours; how little practice you need undertake to let His laws replace the ones you made to hold yourself a prisoner to death. 3 His life becomes your own, as you extend the little help He asks in freeing you from everything that ever caused you pain.

On the D.U group ( The Disappearance of the Universe-group on Yahoo) there has recently been a young man who has demonstrated just through doing the first 20 lessons that he has “got” the Course. When I read his sharing I felt something like a molecular change inside me. It does NOT have to be about reading and studying – just a willingness and readiness will allow the Self to remember.

This morning I dreamt I was in a mental institution :-)It felt simple and loving to be there: i did not have to “do” anything else than sit there as Love.

W-pI.137.10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who cross your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you.

W-pI.137.15. Let healing be through you this very day. 2 And as you rest in quiet, be prepared to give as you receive, to hold but what you give, and to receive the Word of God to take the place of all the foolish thoughts that ever were imagined. 3 Now we come together to make well all that was sick, and offer blessing where there was attack. 

Doing the practice today was just this: giving the Love that was given to me. It felt like a gentle and healing Presence – simple, unchangeable and eternal. So whenever I sensed a twinge of irritation, anxiety or fear, I chose to see it, not as a thought/feeling, but as a brother – this time inside my mind – and I could easily give him/her my blessings that I just received. This strategy felt really simple and effective for me.

A little forgiveness-chat with Blue

Lesson 134:Let me perceive forgiveness as it is. That is the lesson for today.

. W-pI.134.15.” Then choose one brother as He will direct, …” He directed me as the brother today 🙂 My pattern is to always blame me first, and “understand” the other. – Now, would I condemn my self for this self-flagellation? would  I be willing to include myself in the ones I see whose sins are calls for love?

I have the three last days been filled to the brim with fear of attack – two night dreamt about demons, this last night it was the devil himself who held a party at my neighbor’s. His eyes had 4 pupils, and they did not look nice.

I tell Blue about this heap of guilt that I believe I am – and he answers:

Blue: so why would you see yourself as guilty when I know that you are not?

Me: the only answer that comes to me is this: if I find myself guilty, and I find proof of that (which I am very good at) – then it must mean that I have conquered God! And if I am right – then love must be wrong! But why in the +!!!*+ world would I try to prove that I am right in this hell?

Blue: you have made God into a devil that is coming to get you. Last night he even was in the room next to you, having a big party there. You instructed your daughter to not believe in the power he seemed to have, and for her to tell him, “You are Spirit, healed and whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released. You realized that that devil-form was a disguise – and that one can bless it with “you are Spirit” since That is all There Is – or just smile kindly. And Ninotchka -(smiling) this image is the image you have made of God. Now you need to tell God this too – that you have forgiven him.

Me: Me – forgive God? He has done nothing wrong

Blue: There is a part of you who has believed for a tiny moment that the Tiny Mad Idea was real – and she is experiencing the consequences of that belief. And for that timeless second that never happened in reality, you believed it was possible to separate – and that it was wise to do so. Therefore you house this belief that you have taken something from God – and he is out to get you. This is how the ego sees separation. But God never missed you for one second: you never left his Love. – Now you can look at the devil in the room next to you and see what a great disguise you have given him, realizing “no wonder I thought I needed to fly from Love when I have given it this disguise. But evil is impossible – so I am wrong when I see you so.”

And I also realize that every person throughout incarnations who seem to have abused me,  dominated me, raped me,controlled me,mutilated me, let loose their insanity at me – did so because of my need and hunger to be punished to atone for my horrendous sins against God.

So why do I still feel so horribly guilt, Blue, when all this is clear to me, and I want to stop this game?

Blue: Do you really feel horrible right now? . . . or could it be that you still are attaching to the stories where the “you” really feel horrible – because you think you experienced them?

me: Yes! But – why would I want to hold on to those stories?…ahh! I hold on to the stories because I think I shouldn’t hold on to them – and that is the same as attaching to them, calling them mine! And what I/we call mine, is being protected and held dear – now I have given them meaning. Judging the stories IS holding on to them.

Blue(laughing) and you have been fixing your stories and therapeutizing them and understanding them through ages and ages – and you are still here, seeing “them” and “me.” Maye you could be wrong in your understanding? …much laughter…if you had read these stories in  books  – that would feel different from feeling that it had happened to you, right?

me: Completely. No agony or desperation – or, I could feel the agony and desperation in the other characters, as in movies – but would not resist the feelings at all. On the contrary: I would feel grateful for the opportunity to truly feel – but not take it seriously at all.

Blue (laughing) but Nina is nothing else that a made up person, my love. You are the author and the illustrator and  the persons. And the landscapes, clouds and monsters –

Me: and the stones. I love stones.

Blue: you are just as much a stone as a person. And when we turn off the projector, or close the pages, you see that you were the author and the dreamer and the watcher – and that nothing has happened in reality at all: just shadows at a screen.

Me: Please strengthen this realization in me.  This exaggerated abuse I constantly hear from within, and which my body senses as a threat and tenses against, is nothing else than another story I made to convince myself that the separation happened. I am starting fully to realize how intolerable that fear must be: this inner abuse is completely relentless.I condemn myself for everything. All the attacks I ever have seemed to experience, is by me on me. I hate it.

I am willing to be wrong about this – but I still think that I am this ego. I feel so convinced that I am evil! And I am a coward too.

Blue: And as long as you are aware of that, you are watching the ego and starting to remember that you can choose.

Me: I think I am dependent on someone external to me to tell me that I am innocent – for me to believe it.

Blue: and would you accept me telling you that you are innocent?

Me:…No. (Laughing) I really see that I think I made you up – and therefore CANNOT trust anything you say! …Oh I am so willing to be wrong that I am an ego.

*

This is so beautiful:  W-pI.134.12. He does not have to fight to save himself. 2 He does not have to kill the dragons which he thought pursued him. 3 Nor need he erect the heavy walls of stone and iron doors he thought would make him safe. 4 He can remove the ponderous and useless armor made to chain his mind to fear and misery. 5 His step is light, and as he lifts his foot to stride ahead a star is left behind, to point the way to those who follow him.

I want to leave this star. In fact, It is already done.