Trust and Faith

This morning I succeeded in breathing divinity into my body, and the sweetness and warmth was indescribable. This is rare for me – mostly meditations are interrupted by defense parts who gets irritated – now there was no interruptions from the mind.

The sweetness  reminded me of one of my favorite arias – Voi che sapete from Figaro’s Wedding – sung by the incomparable Maria Ewing.

And I love how the Contessa – Kiri te Kanava – looks at him…

You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.
What I am experiencing I will tell you,
It is new to me and I do not understand it.
I have a feeling full of desire,
That now, is both pleasure and suffering.
At first frost, then I feel the soul burning,
And in a moment I’m freezing again.
Seek a blessing outside myself,
I do not know how to hold it, I do not know what it is.
I sigh and moan without meaning to,
Throb and tremble without knowing,
I find no peace both night or day,
But even still, I like to languish.
You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.

Compassion

Photo by Peter Bowers

Recently I have been “visited” by invisible beings – being grabbed, hearing voices – and simultaneously, having received info from the Universe related to these occurrences, to help me dis-identify with it. The information from Love was instant this morning. I was led to go to my mail, and then click on a link to an old mail – and this in italics below was what I had told somebody else LONG time ago – I have forgotten I even wrote it! What a marvelous process I am in – I truly have judged myself for being trapped in this – and right now, the answer is RIGHT here in front of me:

“Dearest Kathleen,the hopelessness your post conveys  can be held in the heart – like you hold a terrified child. Just sitting with it, allowing it to come back to itself, by being willing to just be with it.
Doing this – simply breathing in the belly – prepares the way for letting the identification with the ego go, so you can just observe it and give it over to Holy Spirit. As long as you’re so identified with it as now – the ego wanting to be crucified – you forget that these are not YOUR thoughts that you think with God – it is only ego doing what ego does.
When I am where you are now, this ALWAYS breaks the identification with ego. And what a release it is to wake up and recognize that these thoughts are not true – and that they are there now,  just as a reminder for you: – believe in them or not.
And you know, this might be invisible for you – but it is clear to me, the reader of your mail: the judgment you give yourself for still being trapped in this. Have mercy for yourself, Kathleen.

Warm hugs, Leelah

-And this feedback came too, from Facebook:

You must be consciously aware of what you tell yourself is true every moment of the day, for that is the reality that you project outward. Seth

I read all Seth books more than 30 years ago.

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And I found this ( received it yesterday from Educare Unlearning:)

If you accept and flow with whatever is occurring – and respond intuitively  with what arises from your still mind and authentic heart – you open to the simple joy of uninterrupted being.

So now, putting my warm shawl on, sitting with it with deep compassion – it all comes to be seen with love and released with love

and then I am in that perfect peaceful Place with that boat without oars on silent waters

Through the Ice

My friend and dyad partner Kit and I have done this kind of sharing each fortnight for well over 15 years I think. And this day there was  BIG SHIFT in Kit’s energy – and thank God I allowed it to affect me strongly.

Last time we talked, she mentioned a clash in her family – and I immediately went into my usual way of reacting: this is a catastrophe – and here is how she can fix it. And by the way, I KNOW I am right here.

So when we connected today, I had all the answers and advises ready for her – except that she did not ask for any. So instead I listened to her say, “I will HAVE my life!” If she felt something “bad” happening, she had decided to just BE with it – not fix it in any way. I could hear the phenomenal strength and truth in her soul, but it took quite a while for my old psychology/ therapist-trained mind to listen.

It gradually dawned on me how firmly I was anchored in the catastrophe-mode -and that I responded to what happened FROM that state of mind my life had trained me to do. “X/ the father / must have help to see what he has done WRONG, or a  child will be critically ill.”

These thoughts, I now recognized, came from literally being DRIVEN by my own catastrophe-child- and SEEING that, clearly removed a veil in front of my eyes. I have given her tremendous attention and power -and I noticed that this was not helpful at all – in fact, it strengthened her helplessness.

Kit described how her son had tried to manipulate her, and how angry he got when it did not make a change – and she just shared with him what she saw happening without no blame at all.

And all the way through her sharing, I “saw” my INNER child-in-the hole-in-the-ice looking up, astonished at the change in energy between us- but not afraid at all – relieved. I saw that I had allowed myself to be “manipulated” by her constant disaster-mode – but what she really needed was for me to NOT be dragged into the bad vibes, but just being WITH her, not in any way supporting her in the belief that she was doomed to stay there.

All of this happened WHILE I was listening to Kit sharing – cause if there is anybody I trust completely, it is Kit.

When it was my turn to share. I described meticulously my planned recipe for their survival – and I sensed an age-old energy mode starting to dissolve, stretching, loosening up.  It was THIS that my inner child picked up on.

I recognized that my “old” way of perceiving the family’s healing had worked for at least 50 years – it was the formula where everybody get to say what they need and know themselves to be heard. Nothing wrong with that for sure! But that formula is still based on FIXING what happens to us – telling ourselves that the Universe has made an error. NOW – it felt like being restructured cellularly – being  lifted to a higher rung of an ascending spiral. Here, the value lay in allowing oneself to feel whatever came up, with no fixing at all – and with tremendous acceptance of where the others were – and the support for everyone’s positions. Kit described that even though no-one of them had “spoken it out”, everybody else fell into new positive patterns as long as she felt safe and joyful in her new balance. There were some faint attempts to manipulate the mother, they feel flat on the floor.

And because now there were no fixing-attempts, the whole family-dynamism moved into new places where the children together managed to shovel a huge amount of snow in front of their hut and there were no tensions.

Here I am sitting now, welcoming the insight that I am not the pawn or victim of early horrors – I have truly gone through them and mapped a bonafide path for my readers– as When Fear Comes Home to Love attests to. It is time to stop allowing myself to be driven by this child.The more I attest to her being in horrendous pain, the more I strengthen that needy image of her, that role inside me. The more I believe in her constant horror, I strengthen it and co-create it.

What has been the perks in keeping her that long in the ice?

Oh – there are lots of perks of being the poor me. I got away with lots of crazy behaviour and extra portions of chocolate ice cream, since my mother felt unconscious guilt for something she dared not see.

I can buy my own chocolate ice cream now 😊

 

The Thoughtspinner

20 years ago I painted this inner gestalt – and I could SEE how utterly isolated it was. Around its head are its ever-repeating thoughts: too late – it will never work -stop it – hush- oh , you never will learn – it will never work – GIVE UP!

It is an excellent tool for not daring new things, never speaking up, never changing old thoughts, staying in the same old rut – ice cold, yes, but safe – she tells me

I look at her now with tenderness and am willing to embrace her for as long is needed.

This morning I had a repeated  nightmare: an invisible being is grabbing my arms, and this morning grabbing my whole body and carrying me upstairs. It is a shock to notice that there is something with an invisible body who has the power to grab me – because the body-consciousness is very physical, and the grabbing something has a non-physical body, and that makes it over the top uncontrollable – and personally, I go into stories about ghosts and lost souls and powerlessness.

But I am far above this now- so I sit up in bed and decide to  be with the “something.” I remember Carrie Triffet’s words:

When you feel your fear-based stuff arising (for whatever reason), just pause and pay attention. Remind yourself that even though this shitty set of familiar thoughts and feelings seems powerful and inevitable right now, in truth it’s actually leaving—and in this moment of simple noticing, you’re actively helping to show it the door.   Every time you make a choice to notice your stuff as it arises; letting yourself feel the discomfort it brings, without falling into believing it…it’ll transmute. And as it leaves, you’ll be just that little bit freer. That little bit cleaner on the inside.   (If you want to transmute your fear-based stuff even more powerfully and quickly, give your stuff AND the event that brought it up, to love. Let love decide, what’s true and what isn’t. What’s guilty and what’s innocent. I talked about this in my last newsletter. It’s advanced level forgiveness, on behalf of your self and your entire world.)

I ask some of my beloved masters to be with me: Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Durga and Quan Yin – “Please infuse my breathing” – and they do. My breathing becomes permeated with light, and all I do is allow the LoveBreath to be directed to the ice-cold holding in my midsection. I remind myself that I allow the divine to do the job here- since all my thoughts about what this is and how dangerous it is IS what keeps it in place.

When I relax like this – trusting LOVE to do it, not trusting the old story even thought it seems TREMENDOUSLY REAL – something melts and moves. And I know I am at last showing the old stuff the door – all darkness wants, is someone to show it the way home

Amanda Gorman

I am coming

I was deeply moved by Amanda Gorman’s poem – and these snipped lines stand out golden rimmed for me:

  Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: 
 That even as we grieved, we grew. 
 That even as we hurt, we hoped. 
 That even as we tired, we tried. 
 That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious. 
 Not because we will never again know defeat, 
but because we will never again sow division.
 being American is more than a pride we inherit. 
 It’s the past we step into and how we repair it. 
 
 We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know 
our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation. 
 Our blunders become their burdens. 
 But one thing is certain: 
 If we merge mercy with might, and might with right,
 then love becomes our legacy and change, our children’s birthright
 With every breath from my bronze-pounded chest, 
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one. 
 In every known nook of our nation, in every corner called our country, 
 our people, diverse and beautiful, will emerge, battered and beautiful.
 When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid. 
 The new dawn blooms as we free it. 
 For there is always light, 
 if only we’re brave enough to see it. 
 If only we’re brave enough to be it.
   

solvet saeclum in favilla

May every step humanity takes lead us to her presidency

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The two images are my own art

The Stamina of the Stamen

Here is a dying Amaryllis – and it’s one perky Stamen that defies death.

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I love that little white one with three leaves – like a three-leaf clover. And the strange face of that flower –

Here is stage 2:

 

Death you say? Highly overrated

Perky!

Now it is starting to be very interesting – and artistically exciting too

ooohhh close-up

Hm is it only me who – well –

The morning after – that is, today

For new followers, you may not know that I am a Course in Miracles student ( and even ordained Minister. Just mentioning it so that you will take what I write SERIOUSLY )  (clears her throat and scrapes her foot. )

ACIM holds that there is no death -Who we are, in our eternal Self, cannot die and has never been born

It is the sacred essence within all that is – and nothing is separate. Modern physics nods its head supportively.

 I happen to have a chronic lung condition which limits breath – and this night there seemed to be  almost nothing of it. It felt like death was one minute away. I got the thought that only fear creates illusions -and so it is the FEAR of not breathing I must look at. Immediately the lungs opened a bit more. I decided that this was not Corona – it was a “class-room”, as the Course calls it – a learning experience of how to recognize the shenanigans of the small mind, showing me that I had chosen THAT as my teacher , and thereby giving me this fear-filter to perceive the happening through. As soon as that insight came, I  breathed better – and now I knew that I was under the law of Love and not insanity.

“You cannot BE without ME – since I am Being through you” said Love. “The restriction in the lungs is just a mirror of your old resistance to me. And your fascination of that Stamen is your recognition that inside decay and death is this immensely alive Stamen, bursting out, bending upwards, against gravity  and toward the Light

 

Blissfully Present Like a Cow

This is timely ! Yesterday I watched a movie from a place in Sweden where people have TIME -well, at least the older ones. I have rarely felt so well and relaxed.There were pictures of a very old man sitting by a very old window looking out at blond cows lying down and chewing about two meter from his window. ( It turned out that they were all in love with him: they followed him down to the beach when he went fishing and waited for him there, and then returned home with him. It is true.) Now he sat there with an old radio with a program with three or more people talking simultaneously – it’s called discussion, I believe – and there was this exquisite comparison between the silence with divine contented munching cows outside, right in front of him,and the tremendous unrestful voices where nobody was listening, only “getting their point out.” Then he turned the voices off and I was whooshed right into the cows’ heaven. And today there was this excellent thoughtful article in my mailbox: aeon.co/ideas/before-you-can-be-with-others-first-learn-to-be-alone Since I live alone, I simply need to learn how. I think I will start with dinner today, imagining being a cow -and my beloved Master sits close by the window and I am just – CONTENT

This is the closest photo I have found – but it is not in any way close to the original. And this one has a collar on.Imagine she has her head to the ground, grazing while laying down. Her eyes are ALMOST closed.

Freedom

In the Wholeness Process, Connierae Andreas trains us to transform parts/identities in the Self with a simple method I am training in these days. Often I find that the part I find is not willing to accept the invitation to melt into the fullness of Awareness that is all around and everywhere – it is afraid to give up the control it has built up throughout my life. This morning a liberating thought came to me: I need to honor the part for all it has been through, and all the coping mechanisms it has used to stay alive. Respect!

 I felt the joy and peace when I did that with a OCD-part inside – and it melted and cried and surrendered

I felt deep peace all through.

Yet another example of the importance of loving our “enemies”

                                                                                                       This is a painting I made years ago -an aspect that was former seen as an enemy, gradually opened up for me to see the angel within the shadow

Where Am I – or: Where am I Not?

I am asking, since I seem to exist in dimensions with laws outside the physics of the world. Or – let’s say that I am “here” which seems to be in my house, and therefore ruled by physical laws – but my Guidance has no problem in manipulating physical instruments, like the radio-receiver. This is very practical when it comes to my connection with the Holy – God, Christ, The Universe, All that is – my Self – because when It started to twix the physical instruments many years ago, I realized that it had an intention with that – to make me notice that the Universe was on “my side”, wanting to assist me. At that time – about 25 years ago – I was exploring the common themes among my Expressive Arts Therapy patients and during some years I found ten archetypes we all had in common – described in my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

These forms of energy seemed to rule us – and we all seems to have been abused in some way – physical, sexual or mental.

So the All That IS knew I needed help, and it amused Itself and us with arranging seemingly weird “coincidences” when we painted or were creating stories. ( The book is prop-full with these “signs” – with the title ” Blue is Playing.”) I named IT Blue, since I SAW the Divine as blue-)

Back to this morning – I was turning on a favorite music program and there was no sound. I turned the receiver up to maximum, and when I put my ear close to the loudspeaker I could hear a faint whiff of sound.

Then I “heard” a giggle ( it actually is felt within my body as pure playfulness) – and I found myself pondering ” hmm – do I simply have to TURN UP my listening / receiver? – ahh – could it be my reception to the Holy I need to turn up?”

Then this poem came floating in:

How can I listen to you when the Sun is on
the day swarms around me with cries for attention:
Poinsettia, table, legs, teddy in sofa,
 the book titled BREATH
and OH the Beech outside the window
like a slender dancer
You need to scream to me, God
Nonono 🙂
just turn your Love-receiver up
tuning in to Joy-station
let it take you

Bolero by Ravel
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I  went out for a hike
Everyone smiled radiantly to me
I was overwhelmed by beauty
and IT was within everybody and everything

Most of the thick old and sick wood has been removed now – I have a glorious VIEW

This was thick wood with trees going up to at least 50 meter. Here was a wall of graffiti in the thick of the wood before – now openly strutting

The wall of that mountain is about 100 meter tall – 33 feet – and I have never SEEN it since the wood was too dense

My slender dancing Beech