finding the blessed route

(The blessed route: see Mona’s loving comment to last post)

Same cramps and crap starts in the morning. And I remember what I recently read in the Course in Miracles Text some mornings ago:

T-13.VI.4. Time can release as well as imprison, depending on whose interpretation of it you use. 2 Past, present and future are not continuous, unless you force continuity on them. 3 You can perceive them as continuous, and make them so for you. 4 But do not be deceived, and then believe that this is how it is. 5 For to believe reality is what you would have it be according to your use for it is delusional. 6 You would destroy time’s continuity by breaking it into past, present and future for your own purposes. 7 You would anticipate the future on the basis of your past experience, and plan for it accordingly. 8 Yet by doing so you are aligning past and future, and not allowing the miracle, which could intervene between them, to free you to be born again.

 I see I am relating to these cramps from a past perceptive lens. I choose instead the Miracle, and allow It to set me free.

A free space opens around it. I ask Blue to guide me through this, and hear: ” Do you agree that it is a dream?” He is referring to a discussion with a friend recently where I insisted to be met where I was -still strongly identified with the story of having been a baby subjected to tortured abuse from parents in a state of insanity and dissociation. I reminded her about what Jesus calls these maneuvers, where Course-students try to be “helpful” and for example tell grieving people ” you don’t  need to grieve, this is just an illusion.” This is called “level-confusion” in Course-language – where we ignore where we/ the sufferer are, and try to get them where we think they “should”be. Jesus calls this “a particularly unworthy denial.”

And now – in the early hours of the Sunday morning, I KNOW that this story is a dream and that I, as decision-making mind, am dreaming it.

Why would I take her suggestion as an attack if I knew I had been dreaming all of it up?

Why indeed?

The cramped energy of holding on the story  as “me – my true identity” – is very strong.And maybe-just maybe -this cramp-energy is really Love in Its pure form, defended against? This moment, I have no problem whatever with allowing “the cramps” to be here – and allowing it to dissolve, if it needs to.

There is a sensation of something huge and dense cloud like, softly and delicately transforming itself, now that the label has been taken off “the cramps:” inside it is a cool crispness. There is an insight coming from the muscles and bones: ” we can let go a bit.”  I sense the imprint in the back and heart-area of the “iron-rod” I felt was pushed right through me when I went to the ER  – this time I don’t react to it with fear and “me”-identity – it’s just “something.” I choose the Miracle to deal with it any way it chooses.

The strong cramps are now transformed into strong buzzing energy in the legs and neck. – – –

Now it comes back, as cramps in the arms – as soon as I speak this, it melts – – –  it moves into the old butt-home – and I realize that the body is an illusion too, and I hold on to it with giving power to the labels: butt, cramp, me. How easy it is to dissolve into the dream and believing it is real. I see that as long as I am in the witnessing mode – not taking the idea of separation serious – it really dissolves

Counter attack

After the last post of simplicity and trustful connection to love, the body had a melt-down last night that was very scary. I had no idea what was going on inside – felt like nothing i had ever felt before – and ended up calling ER at 4am, just describing the symptoms. We talked for a little while, it abated a little – and today I have felt like 700 years old, filled with poisonous waste 🙂

To be expected, really –

Enlightenment for dummies

I am a dummie♥♥♥

Trusting the guidance of the moment

This morning was filled with the usual aches and pains, depressions and worries about what to do with the manuscripts I want to publish and need to prepare. Now.Perfectly. Then: A wake-up-call from my electronic watch.  I start to laugh, the symbol is not lost to me. Now there comes a crystal clear reminder that I am not these thoughts and worries, and I place them at the Altar and ask You to correct them.

Root- thought driving chaos and overwhelm found: I have so much to do, and I need to find out everything I have to do and DO IT or I’ll go to hell

:::giggles:::

I don’t have to worry any longer. It is not true that it keeps me safe. It has no value. I don’t need to hold on to it.

I continued with thoughts like this for 2 minutes – and the vortex of worry-energy was completely gone. Here is now a clear matter-of-fact-awareness that I can ask to know what Love wills for me each moment and I will be answered.

All the “things I have to do” yesterday evening – quite a list – now one item on the list after the other comes up and I see what to do with it. No emotions raging, no “but what IF..” – I see that each item is simple to resolve. I will write a list with each and just follow it.

Being with the fear of god

I dreamt that there was a snake in my daughters playing pen, and the Police was trying to shoot it. Many clear symbols told me that “the inner police-department) had been training to do this maneuver for a while. The snake was the manifestation of “you MUSTTTT”-forces.

The snake had a natural enemy in the sandbox – but it had lost its instinct to kill the snake.

Waking up, I asked for help, and heard: “Be of good cheer, for I have conquered the world.”

It is already taken care of. I don’t have to.

In a Sedona-session with Mary same morning I am sensing how healing it is to just be with the feeling of “me” – and not be it.

I realized that the cramps I recently had –  when not attended to lovingly, turned into a seeming heart-attack. I realize too that beneath all of that pain was a tremendous fear of dying and going to hell permanently. Original guilt.

I am just being with it. Feels wonderful liberating and simple. The bundle of the fear and the resistance to fear is seen as an iron-like vice which can not be refuted. This is the false god-image that has to be feared  – or else.

I am with this too: and when I choose the non-identification with it, I also become aware of the most gentle and patient Presence. The fear is seen as belonging to the dream: it was never real. It can never take the peace of God away.

 

The storyteller is absent

When I exited the bus-station today, one begging person of the three was gone. She had left a big sheet of old cardboard with a very strong story was written: she had had a baby and her house was taken by a flood. One could give money in an empty coffee Styrofoam cup.
No begging “person” present there: just her story.
What an awesome metaphor of me letting go of this old pattern.

emergency room

Yesterday I was brought to the emergency-room at the Hospital to have my heart examined: I might have had a small infarct. There were endless examinations and questions and blood tests and x-rays and reports to be written, and in between I just waited in an emergency-room. Luckily I had brought a wonderful book with me – but still, I was feeling very bad. And not pain-wise – most of the pain had left – there was just something about that room, that situation.

It was very quiet there. Two other old people were being examined. No rush, all was calm.

I was released after 4 hours, my heart had not had an infarct. And still I felt more depressed that I had been for months.

After some hours in bed at night I woke up with a clear insight: I am not these depressed feelings. I realized that I had simply picked up the emergency-room’s energy – or gestalt, if you will – and identified with it.

The depression, panic and stress  immediately slid right off me. I am not this.

I am also not the thoughts of disaster, victim-hood and agony. I am not any story about “me and  my pain.”

Suddenly I noticed that I did not fear any of these old thoughts and stories any longer: I am not these stories. I am the Holy Son of God, and  can allow these thoughts to become unstuck and return to the emptiness they came from.

Worth

Leaving the buss-station,my path crosses 3 beggars in a short distance. They are from Rumania,and they beg the old European way: hands together in prayer position, and tormented expressions. I get the same feeling each time: a mixture of disgust/anger/hatred/guilt and pity. Yesterday I decided to ask Blue to see them as He does. Something heavy inside let go – and on my way to the first beggar I knew that I would recognize the Holy Son of God. I started to smile. I smiled at the young woman without seeing her as “beggar” at all – just  my  Holy Brother. She, being seen without her role, looked at me and smiled radiantly with no begging-energy whatsoever. And I realized that I had given her what she really wanted: I had seen her worth. A recognition had been made.

I see that I have been doing the same begging thing so often  – without the rags and bags. Don’t I go after others validation? Don’t I believe somehow that they can give me something I do not own? That it is possible to get it from “others?”

In the moment when we recognized our Spirit, there was a field of immense Grace and worth. And I knew that no amount of money could compare to the worth she had been given – and the lesson  I had experienced.

When I smiled at her on my way back, it felt like we had always been the best of friends. And again Grace was present.

T-18.I.10. In you there is no separation, and no substitute can keep you from your brother. 2 Your reality was God’s creation, and has no substitute. 3 You are so firmly joined in truth that only God is there. 4 And He would never accept something else instead of you. 5 He loves you both, equally and as one. 6 And as He loves you, so you are. 7 You are not joined together in illusions, but in the Thought so holy and so perfect that illusions cannot remain to darken the holy place in which you stand together. 8 God is with you, my brother. 9 Let us join in Him in peace and gratitude, and accept His gift as our most holy and perfect reality, which we share in Him.

T-18.I.11. Heaven is restored to all the Sonship through your relationship, for in it lies the Sonship, whole and beautiful, safe in your love. 2 Heaven has entered quietly, for all illusions have been gently brought unto the truth in you, and love has shined upon you, blessing your relationship with truth. 3 God and His whole creation have entered it together. 4 How lovely and how holy is your relationship, with the truth shining upon it! 5 Heaven beholds it, and rejoices that you have let it come to you. 6 And God Himself is glad that your relationship is as it was created. 7 The universe within you stands with you, together with your brother. 8 And Heaven looks with love on what is joined in it, along with its Creator.

nightmares

Waking up at 2am in terror: I have been stalked by an insane murderer with long Gillette knives. The terror sits like sulphuric poison in my blood and muscles.I know I am looking at fear, and remember also that fear is there by my invitation to hide LOVE. This is the projection of my own perceived guilt at the separation: this is the image of guilt, believed in, through the projector onto the screen of the world – and the images become insane stalkers and me as victim. All this seem to establish a separated identity.

I tell the Holy Spirit I want to see with Your eyes how this fear looks and I imagine being held by Love. I see an expression of hate in the form of a face.  Blue tells me that because i want so much to see the Love I struggle, and the struggle proves to me that this is difficult.”Looking with me is simple, and without struggle. You just find a willingness to allow the darkness to melt.”

I get the impulse to read from the Course. I open it where I read the last time. It says:

T-12.II.5. Let us not save nightmares, for they are not fitting offerings for Christ, and so they are not fit gifts for you. 2 Take off the covers and look at what you are afraid of. 3 Only the anticipation will frighten you, for the reality of nothingness cannot be frightening. 4 Let us not delay this, for your dream of hatred will not leave you without help, and Help is here. 5 Learn to be quiet in the midst of turmoil, for quietness is the end of strife and this is the journey to peace. 6 Look straight at every image that rises to delay you, for the goal is inevitable because it is eternal. 7 The goal of love is but your right, and it belongs to you despite your dreams.

T-12.II.6. You still want what God wills, and no nightmare can defeat a child of God in his purpose. 2 For your purpose was given you by God, and you must accomplish it because it is His Will. 3 Awake and remember your purpose, for it is your will to do so. 4 What has been accomplished for you must be yours. 5 Do not let your hatred stand in the way of love, for nothing can withstand the Love of Christ for His Father, or His Father’s Love for Him.

T-12.II.7. A little while and you will see me, for I am not hidden because you are hiding. 2 I will awaken you as surely as I awakened myself, for I awoke for you. 3 In my resurrection is your release. 4 Our mission is to escape from crucifixion, not from redemption. 5 Trust in my help, for I did not walk alone, and I will walk with you as our Father walked with me. 6 Do you not know that I walked with Him in peace? 7 And does not that mean that peace goes with us on the journey?

I forgive my wish to hide from Love. The ego hisses and tells me that I am such a moron who believes this, how can I forgive this??!!

T-12.II.9. 6 You cannot lay aside the obstacles to real vision without looking upon them, for to lay aside means to judge against. 7 If you will look, the Holy Spirit will judge, and He will judge truly. 8 Yet He cannot shine away what you keep hidden, for you have not offered it to Him and He cannot take it from you.

Holy Spirit, help me heal my investment in guilt

 

 

the helping-role

I don’t believe in “helpers.” I remember far too well the feeling of euphoria when I thought I  was doing the helping, at least I was seen as wise and skillful. Oh what a trap this often is for health-personel: we decide what is best for the helpee, and  often decide that we know better than their own intuition, which may be to wait.

T-17.VII. 4 No relationship is holy unless its holiness goes with it everywhere. 5 As holiness and faith go hand in hand, so must its faith go everywhere with it. 6 The goal’s reality will call forth and accomplish every miracle needed for its fulfillment. 7 Nothing too small or too enormous, too weak or too compelling, but will be gently turned to its use and purpose. 8 The universe will serve it gladly, as it serves the universe. 9 But do not interfere.

“Do not interfere” would apply to any subconscious ego-attachment to the great feeling of being “a helper.” A somebody who has investments in helping, and feel better when they do.

It is LOVE that is helpful. Never a “me.”