Sunbeam and Wave

Photo from Shutterstock


 
 
 
 
 
 

Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊
And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object.
I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.”
And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story:  you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)


I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it!  LOL


And this insight-angel embraced me:

Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.

And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they  MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back

Marcos Paolo Prado, from Unsplash

*** from his Way of Mastery-course


 

Chocolate

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me  for quite some years, and it was forbidden  – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened  again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.

There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –

For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.

I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.

And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊  to BE with that girl from the past.

I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.

This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency –  and the entities and beings there were hell-like.  So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.

Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing  NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.

They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.

And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* :  I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.

And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.

Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.

So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.

Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”

And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left

***that link did not work. here is the url: https://www.christmind.info/t/wom/

Lucid Dreaming

I have for a while now intended to have lucid dreams – which means, becoming aware that I am the dreamer of the dream. That has happened some times, and the feeling is pretty  wonderful I think. And this morning I had one too – after having discussed lucid dreaming with my daughter yesterday.

The scene was very non-specular- a bunch of people, most of them with their back to me, waiting for something/someone -? ( Me of course!)

I saw them, and asked myself, “could this be a dream?” I got a YES, and in my hand I had a potato-peeler – like this one.

Professional Skreller Svart

I pushed it into the back of some of the persons, and it went right through, like air. The person did not react at all – but dream-Leelah did: I sensed an electric unpleasant feeling in my midsection!

Hm.

Carl Gustav Jung ( whom I actually met once in a lucid dream LONG ago) said that all dream-persons are parts of our self.

So If I harm some of them, I also harm myself.

Sorry, dream-Leelah. Good learning.

And so to something quite different – or not-? Since we are all dreaming up this world ( says Jeshua/Jesus in A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, and every Non Dualist ( there really is not such a title, but but.) Yesterday I visited with M a wonderful exhibition from 1960-1977 – a bit surrealist it seemed – and we found it by entering some stairs I never had noticed before in this huge museum. There was a ginormous chest of drawers, filling a whole room – and I photoed these two drawers:

 

This is the kind of silliness that is pure healing for me. I hope you have good giggle!

Forgiveness

This blog is the place for me to share openly ( often with embarrassment) – to support myself in giving my self a voice, and share the insights and gift from my spiritual and creative process.

In my Course in Miracles blog, I share the lessons from the universe where I use what I have learned through the Course and the three books by Jayem; The Way of the Heart, the Way of Mastery and the Way of Knowing.

In the Way of the Heart, chapter three instructs us thoroughly through the forgiveness process, as Jeshua/ Jesus explains it and learned it.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)
“Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to… see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)
2. “It is very, very important to let each day to be sufficient unto itself. When you end your day, always truly end it… As you take a deep breath as you rest your head upon the pillow, look upon of the whole day, embrace it with your consciousness, and as you let your breath go out, say silently to yourself: ‘I release and forgive this day. It has been perfect. And it is done.’” (page 38
)’

I have studied this for many years – and it is amazing how many layers there has been for me to see the simplicity in it. Example: This night I found issues with betrayal from a brother – and looked for a situation within me where I had done the same. I could see it – and what was more important was, that I could see that at that time I thought I had no choice – I thought I HAD to stay with that man,since inside me was a terrified little girl who was raised to believe that she could NOT take care of herself – so I traded “safety” for “being supported.”

This time I embraced her – and also fully embraced my mother who also had that pattern – and my brother too – and saw how it all was splendidly set up for me for truly experience all flavors of it this life. Now waves of light flowed into me, and I gradually could see the sacred essence of them all – and recognize the “contracts” we set up before this incarnation – to play these roles in our family to make these energies available to be seen, known and transformed. Since it is not possible to forgive anything I haven’t first embraced.

To see Jekyll and Hyde-abuse as a valuable lesson for us who want to wake up is what my books are all about – how can I use it creatively – poetically – how can we create art out of it?

Since art and playfulness is the very essence of our true Self

Maybe that is good question for you too – “what has my experiences led me to believe / do/ think that is truly valuable?

IF not, I would not have been able to write ” When Fear Comes Home to Love” which has helped so many – students /patients/readers .

and the 108 creative exercises in “108 Ways to Transform Crises into Possibilities” –

and Hilaryon Stories – a novel

When you click at the images, you will be led to reviews

Christ coming toward m

What do You Want?

In A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, Jeshua / Jesus underlines again and again: we have the power to choose. Through more than 30 years I have discovered how I have to get in touch with the parts of me that are afraid of life with a big L – and stay in their old mode as scatterbrained terrified parts . The more I have explored successfully how to BE with these parts – with breath and Love – the more my possibilities to CHOOSE what I truly want is offered. The last example blew my mind.

On my facebookwall I recently discovered that my cover photo – a big shiny smiling baby face – had been crumpled in a piece of its jaw, and the profile photo was placed smack in the middle of. I tried to fix it by Facebook protocol, muttering angrily, telling myself ” I DON’T WANT THIS!”

Forgetting the law of energy: what I resist, I give power to.

I heard: ” What DO you want?”

Ahh. “I want all of the baby’s face to be visible – and I want my profile photo at the lower end to the left.”

And feel free to not believe this – in that moment I saw the scrambled Facebook wall presentation blurring and then becoming just as you can watch it now.

I have deep respect for all the work I have done to love all those dark parts in my ancestral line – and in my own multitude of incarnations playing alternative villain and victim ad nauseatum – and now I am shown that I shall be truly aware of what I want, and be willing to consciously let the rest go.

Yesterday I wanted to look at crazy stressed TV election Biden/Trump – everybody visibly caught by the momentum by it. I ate favorite desserts and green filled peppers with a scrumptious tomato sauce ( the word-correction program suggested COMATOSE ) – and I felt like drugged and speeded up and I noticed that THIS was what a majority of my parts wanted.

When I saw that – and did not judge it, as I have truly learned is SO silly – I suddenly decided to STOP watching the election frenzy and go do the dishes instead.

And the most delicious shover of Light shivered through me – no more “I shouldn’t have’s, or ” when will I learn?”

Now – to truly TRUST that what I want for my highest good – and choose – will happen.

The timing is not up to me, though 🙂

Implants

For info on what ” psychic implants” may be, please google it and choose the explanation that resonates with you.

I have been through a tough process since I and  my friend Ellen shared Access Bars with each other last Thursday. In that process, implants were removed – some of them from my late father, having to do with giving up my own will and adjusting to his – resulting in not having a voice for my self.

The whole Friday was packed with old patterns and false identification with them – old judgments and condemnations about myself – it felt like the whole “ego-world” had filled me up to the brim. I used the Clearing Statement a lot, but did not sense release – except for the moments when I managed to say yes to  the overwhelm as it was.

But last night – Friday to Saturday – was very different. I felt so very much better, and realized that that whole field/gestalt of energy overwhelm yesterday was just THAT which I needed to realize had come to be blessed, embraced and forgiven. It HAS to come up and be seen – so I can choose again: this time I chose NOT to judge it, just to let it go, “uncreate” it as Jeshua says in Way of Mastery.

I had a lot of paranoid thoughts yesterday – and lots of hateful self-thoughts. Today I can only smile at them and shake my head – “Is it possible that I can have believed that!”

Fun little detail: yesterday my right big toe leaned hard into its neighbor. Today, there is 6 mm free space between them 🙂

And an important reminder in a dream:

A lively and very inquisitive little dog jumped down on the rails on a Train station, found a tube there and immediately tried to force his body into the whole. I jumped down together with a man and we got his tail and dragged him out before the train came.

Leelah – remember this: when an impulse comes to investigate and explore something, ask yourself first: Is this REALLY what you want? Is it safe? will it lead to joy? and I know that I will feel a “go ahead” or a “no”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Slide

I am taking a step in a direction that brings up tremendous fear

Getting used to choosing to not get identified with it, asking for support by Legions of Light and Christ Council.

This night I had a dream that showed me I am supported deeply:

There was this HOLE – from the high level /floor in a building I was standing on, all the way down to the ground – and the hole was edged with humans standing around it, all the way from top to bottom – lined with warm bodies all around the channel from top to bottom.

So I stepped inside it, and there was an ecstasy of feeling HELD, sliding and spiraling softly slowly downwards to the bottom, like being born into the earth-plane and being supported by all humanity

I remembered something Jeshua said in WOM somewhere – that we would be able to “slide down mountains” – the feeling was,”now I know how the sliding feels – and I am sliding and also holding the sliders

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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