The Energy and Pattern of Force

Just before the last steep little hill before Home, she holds. The backpack is very heavy, since she told herself she had to fill it with lot of oat milk -since oat milk was essential for her happiness. So she is rather tail-heavy. -She needs to traverse a tiny bump – maybe 10 cm tall – before she can slide down 10 meters and then start to climb the short steep hill. A minor thing can have major consequences -and as she moves the right ski and places it on the bump, her balance is thrown off and she starts to slide backwards. Time slows to a halt, she knows she will fall, and it does not feel good – last time she fell, she broke a wrist.

There is a loud CRACK. Not much pain, though – but still –

She starts to cry heavily, unstoppable, manages to take her skies off and carries them in her hands.

At home, it does not feel so bad – but the following days, the right arm and right side of the chest start to feel deeply painful, and there is difficulty in exercising.

Way of Mastery is adamant: it is our way of thinking that creates everything. And this time, she realizes that the energy in the moment she decided to traverse the hill with skies on, was a situation of force , not respect, not time to feel into – just crash through the block before her.

And that lack of kindness and consideration created the crack.

This choice had a wide reaching consequences :a week later, there is deep pain on the right side at the tip of the lung, maybe in the liver too, the right arm feels like something has crushed inside it.

A whole night, sitting up in bed, being with this pattern of forcing herself, brings her to an epoch making memory: she sits at a table, maybe nine-ish, her father to the right, he is explaining something that has to do with numbers, and there is a strong demand of having to “get this” NOW!!!” or else –

Or else she is hopeless – and has NO value.

She freezes, and her father explodes – and she spaces out and makes a decision about herself: how stupid and unworthy she must be – clearly nothing in her is lovable – she is a false specimen – so THAT IS WHY she is constantly abused by men – something in her WANTS it to punish herself –

And now, sitting in bed at night, she cries a waterfall when she realizes that her father acts out the other side of the coin – the importance to make one’s child see the importance to understand things, be on the top, and crush one’s needs instantly –  in order to have a place in the family – one’s main role.

An unfathomable peace flows through her as she sees the terror in the father – and that his outburst has absolutely nothing to do with her.

She sees her TRUE father behind his mask – her best friend, a true soulmate.

Now the pains in the body are seen like the consequences of a whole life crushing her own needs – and the choice has been HERS all along. Use force and pressure to walk through life, minimize all needs, call yourself a hopeless wimp when you need time to feel safe.

*

In Hilaryon Stories, I have recognized all characters to be parts of me/my Soul. In Part 2 there is a foul weather and a staff with evil in it entering – and all the characters must deal with its influence. Thank God they do so with playful creative means. Without Johann Sebastian’s music ***and the marvelous joyous Croc and his loving interventions it would look very bad –and I remind myself that they are all parts of my soul, helping me meet and transform the dark stuff within

All that stuff has a shining shimmering joyful essence. To see my father now TRULY is erasing the past that I have made.

The false images crumble – dusty costumes fall off – light is the very essence of it all

Thank you so much for reading this through

 

Choosing Love

I am as God created me – says A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery. And how is that? Pure Love – all powerful. Not the small Leelah-identity – the Holy Self that I am, that we all are in our essence. The Buddha Nature. The Atman. The Christ.

I have  some months now experienced a kind of “drying out” – it seems my kidneys have been in trouble. What I have done, is practicing knowing that 1) I have created this/ my soul has chosen to experience it all/ – and so I don’t want this any longer, I want LOVE – I Choose Love.

It has felt like something huge saying NO with bushy eyebrows -and so I asked  inner guidance for help, and was sent to Paige Apgar

I wanted to have cords removed – energy strands that connect us energetically to people in a draining way – but the Universe wanted something else, and through the session she was shown 7 different incarnations and  chakras that still was carrying some of the brunt from disasters and violence.

I felt the energy move and there were wonderful releases – so I thought the effect would be deeply felt afterwards. But there was seemingly no effect at all!

Then – 24 hours later, at the start of the latest night, I was repeating the ” I choose LOVE” – and the effect was, for the first time, profound

I believe that what Paige and her divine helpers did, was removing frozen trauma from my soul. Some of it several thousand years old. No problem for Divinity, who knows that time is a construct who allows us to play a myriad of different circumstances in a myriad of lifetimes – and the Self, Who knows that it really happens only NOW

Thank you my radiant joyful Self Who always connect me with precisely the people/ happenings I need to fully wake up – in perfect timing.

Embracing

So important in this dis-identification process: – separating the observer and witness from the me-of-many-stories. All the voices/parts of Leelah – they are not Who I am I am the awareness of it. I am the One who relates to it all, with judgment and hate or acceptance and love. I cannot forgive what I haven’t first accepted and allowed.

An important step for me has been to be really curious about everything that shows up – and then singling it out, by becoming aware of the size of the field of contraction in the body – noticing the hurts and aches, maybe color-tone, the felt sense of it, maybe voices that come with it. After much practicing, there now is a distinct YES-feeling when I have “got it” – and then I can use the forgiveness process from  the Way of Transformation.

I notice that once – from a place of fear and chock – I chose to repress this – for a good reason! And now I can choose to receive it and love it.

When after much practicing I am able to embrace it, the healing is now in the hands of Holy Spirit – or my Higher Self. My part is just willingness to feel what comes up, to welcome it -to recognize that it is all a consequence of my choice at the moment of trauma-onset: I chose to think things about me and the others that sprang from fear-perceptions. And I chose freely what it meant about me – always that there was something wrong with me, so in some weird way I deserved it.

I have had years of drilling by masters from Mystery traditions. My lieblings would be Emmanuel and  Bartholomew ( they are both funny and tender ( Emmanuel even speak in poems!)

But Jeshua has followed me and helped me the most this life – you may read about that process in When Fear Comes Home to Love.

So back to this night – it was all held in the Solar Plexus for all my life, I believe. Now there was an intense and sudden pain there- and as I embraced it and it unraveled, I saw the impossibility for that pain to make itself truly know before this night -so much had to happen first. It was all about not being able to survive the very living-situation I was in – that family, those beliefs, those secrets, that intense Jekyll and Hyde – creation.

The very essence of the-all-of-it – the impossibility to even KNOW about it was there, in the diamond hard ball.

The release was beautiful beyond description – and I will give it space to happen incrementally.

This is how it feels:

I have borrowed this from Love Is A Place- bloghttp://peacefullpresence.blogspot.com/2021/10/all-my-relations.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FUeqpM+%28Love+Is+A+Place%29

Sunbeam and Wave

Photo from Shutterstock


 
 
 
 
 
 

Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊
And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object.
I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.”
And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story:  you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)

I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it!  LOL

And this insight-angel embraced me:

Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.

And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they  MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back

Marcos Paolo Prado, from Unsplash

*** from his Way of Mastery-course

 

Chocolate

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me  for quite some years, and it was forbidden  – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened  again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.

There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –

For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.

I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.

And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊  to BE with that girl from the past.

I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.

This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency –  and the entities and beings there were hell-like.  So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.

Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing  NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.

They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.

And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* :  I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.

And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.

Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.

So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.

Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”

And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left

***that link did not work. here is the url: https://www.christmind.info/t/wom/

Lucid Dreaming

I have for a while now intended to have lucid dreams – which means, becoming aware that I am the dreamer of the dream. That has happened some times, and the feeling is pretty  wonderful I think. And this morning I had one too – after having discussed lucid dreaming with my daughter yesterday.

The scene was very non-specular- a bunch of people, most of them with their back to me, waiting for something/someone -? ( Me of course!)

I saw them, and asked myself, “could this be a dream?” I got a YES, and in my hand I had a potato-peeler – like this one.

I pushed it into the back of some of the persons, and it went right through, like air. The person did not react at all – but dream-Leelah did: I sensed an electric unpleasant feeling in my midsection!

Hm.

Carl Gustav Jung ( whom I actually met once in a lucid dream LONG ago) said that all dream-persons are parts of our self.

So If I harm some of them, I also harm myself.

Sorry, dream-Leelah. Good learning.

And so to something quite different – or not-? Since we are all dreaming up this world ( says Jeshua/Jesus in A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, and every Non Dualist ( there really is not such a title, but but.) Yesterday I visited with M a wonderful exhibition from 1960-1977 – a bit surrealist it seemed – and we found it by entering some stairs I never had noticed before in this huge museum. There was a ginormous chest of drawers, filling a whole room – and I photoed these two drawers:

 

This is the kind of silliness that is pure healing for me. I hope you have good giggle!

Forgiveness

This blog is the place for me to share openly ( often with embarrassment) – to support myself in giving my self a voice, and share the insights and gift from my spiritual and creative process.

In my Course in Miracles blog, I share the lessons from the universe where I use what I have learned through the Course and the three books by Jayem; The Way of the Heart, the Way of Mastery and the Way of Knowing.

In the Way of the Heart, chapter three instructs us thoroughly through the forgiveness process, as Jeshua/ Jesus explains it and learned it.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)
“Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to… see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)
2. “It is very, very important to let each day to be sufficient unto itself. When you end your day, always truly end it… As you take a deep breath as you rest your head upon the pillow, look upon of the whole day, embrace it with your consciousness, and as you let your breath go out, say silently to yourself: ‘I release and forgive this day. It has been perfect. And it is done.’” (page 38)’

I have studied this for many years – and it is amazing how many layers there has been for me to see the simplicity in it. Example: This night I found issues with betrayal from a brother – and looked for a situation within me where I had done the same. I could see it – and what was more important was, that I could see that at that time I thought I had no choice – I thought I HAD to stay with that man,since inside me was a terrified little girl who was raised to believe that she could NOT take care of herself – so I traded “safety” for “being supported.”

This time I embraced her – and also fully embraced my mother who also had that pattern – and my brother too – and saw how it all was splendidly set up for me for truly experience all flavors of it this life. Now waves of light flowed into me, and I gradually could see the sacred essence of them all – and recognize the “contracts” we set up before this incarnation – to play these roles in our family to make these energies available to be seen, known and transformed. Since it is not possible to forgive anything I haven’t first embraced.

To see Jekyll and Hyde-abuse as a valuable lesson for us who want to wake up is what my books are all about – how can I use it creatively – poetically – how can we create art out of it?

Since art and playfulness is the very essence of our true Self

Maybe that is good question for you too – “what has my experiences led me to believe / do/ think that is truly valuable?

IF not, I would not have been able to write ” When Fear Comes Home to Love” which has helped so many – students /patients/readers .

and the 108 creative exercises in “108 Ways to Transform Crises into Possibilities” –

and Hilaryon Stories – a novel

When you click at the images, you will be led to reviews

Christ coming toward m

What do You Want?

In A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, Jeshua / Jesus underlines again and again: we have the power to choose. Through more than 30 years I have discovered how I have to get in touch with the parts of me that are afraid of life with a big L – and stay in their old mode as scatterbrained terrified parts . The more I have explored successfully how to BE with these parts – with breath and Love – the more my possibilities to CHOOSE what I truly want is offered. The last example blew my mind.

On my facebookwall I recently discovered that my cover photo – a big shiny smiling baby face – had been crumpled in a piece of its jaw, and the profile photo was placed smack in the middle of. I tried to fix it by Facebook protocol, muttering angrily, telling myself ” I DON’T WANT THIS!”

Forgetting the law of energy: what I resist, I give power to.

I heard: ” What DO you want?”

Ahh. “I want all of the baby’s face to be visible – and I want my profile photo at the lower end to the left.”

And feel free to not believe this – in that moment I saw the scrambled Facebook wall presentation blurring and then becoming just as you can watch it now.

• 

  Joy

I have deep respect for all the work I have done to love all those dark parts in my ancestral line – and in my own multitude of incarnations playing alternative villain and victim ad nauseatum – and now I am shown that I shall be truly aware of what I want, and be willing to consciously let the rest go.

Yesterday I wanted to look at crazy stressed TV election Biden/Trump – everybody visibly caught by the momentum by it. I ate favorite desserts and green filled peppers with a scrumptious tomato sauce ( the word-correction program suggested COMATOSE ) – and I felt like drugged and speeded up and I noticed that THIS was what a majority of my parts wanted.

When I saw that – and did not judge it, as I have truly learned is SO silly – I suddenly decided to STOP watching the election frenzy and go do the dishes instead.

And the most delicious shover of Light shivered through me – no more “I shouldn’t have’s, or ” when will I learn?”

Now – to truly TRUST that what I want for my highest good – and choose – will happen.

The timing is not up to me, though 🙂

Implants

For info on what ” psychic implants” may be, please google it and choose the explanation that resonates with you.

I have been through a tough process since I and  my friend Ellen shared Access Bars with each other last Thursday. In that process, implants were removed – some of them from my late father, having to do with giving up my own will and adjusting to his – resulting in not having a voice for my self.

The whole Friday was packed with old patterns and false identification with them – old judgments and condemnations about myself – it felt like the whole “ego-world” had filled me up to the brim. I used the Clearing Statement a lot, but did not sense release – except for the moments when I managed to say yes to  the overwhelm as it was.

But last night – Friday to Saturday – was very different. I felt so very much better, and realized that that whole field/gestalt of energy overwhelm yesterday was just THAT which I needed to realize had come to be blessed, embraced and forgiven. It HAS to come up and be seen – so I can choose again: this time I chose NOT to judge it, just to let it go, “uncreate” it as Jeshua says in Way of Mastery.

I had a lot of paranoid thoughts yesterday – and lots of hateful self-thoughts. Today I can only smile at them and shake my head – “Is it possible that I can have believed that!”

Fun little detail: yesterday my right big toe leaned hard into its neighbor. Today, there is 6 mm free space between them 🙂

And an important reminder in a dream:

A lively and very inquisitive little dog jumped down on the rails on a Train station, found a tube there and immediately tried to force his body into the whole. I jumped down together with a man and we got his tail and dragged him out before the train came.

Leelah – remember this: when an impulse comes to investigate and explore something, ask yourself first: Is this REALLY what you want? Is it safe? will it lead to joy? and I know that I will feel a “go ahead” or a “no”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Slide

I am taking a step in a direction that brings up tremendous fear

Getting used to choosing to not get identified with it, asking for support by Legions of Light and Christ Council.

This night I had a dream that showed me I am supported deeply:

There was this HOLE – from the high level /floor in a building I was standing on, all the way down to the ground – and the hole was edged with humans standing around it, all the way from top to bottom – lined with warm bodies all around the channel from top to bottom.

So I stepped inside it, and there was an ecstasy of feeling HELD, sliding and spiraling softly slowly downwards to the bottom, like being born into the earth-plane and being supported by all humanity

I remembered something Jeshua said in WOM somewhere – that we would be able to “slide down mountains” – the feeling was,”now I know how the sliding feels – and I am sliding and also holding the sliders