Implants

For info on what ” psychic implants” may be, please google it and choose the explanation that resonates with you.

I have been through a tough process since I and  my friend Ellen shared Access Bars with each other last Thursday. In that process, implants were removed – some of them from my late father, having to do with giving up my own will and adjusting to his – resulting in not having a voice for my self.

The whole Friday was packed with old patterns and false identification with them – old judgments and condemnations about myself – it felt like the whole “ego-world” had filled me up to the brim. I used the Clearing Statement a lot, but did not sense release – except for the moments when I managed to say yes to  the overwhelm as it was.

But last night – Friday to Saturday – was very different. I felt so very much better, and realized that that whole field/gestalt of energy overwhelm yesterday was just THAT which I needed to realize had come to be blessed, embraced and forgiven. It HAS to come up and be seen – so I can choose again: this time I chose NOT to judge it, just to let it go, “uncreate” it as Jeshua says in Way of Mastery.

I had a lot of paranoid thoughts yesterday – and lots of hateful self-thoughts. Today I can only smile at them and shake my head – “Is it possible that I can have believed that!”

Fun little detail: yesterday my right big toe leaned hard into its neighbor. Today, there is 6 mm free space between them 🙂

And an important reminder in a dream:

A lively and very inquisitive little dog jumped down on the rails on a Train station, found a tube there and immediately tried to force his body into the whole. I jumped down together with a man and we got his tail and dragged him out before the train came.

Leelah – remember this: when an impulse comes to investigate and explore something, ask yourself first: Is this REALLY what you want? Is it safe? will it lead to joy? and I know that I will feel a “go ahead” or a “no”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Slide

I am taking a step in a direction that brings up tremendous fear

Getting used to choosing to not get identified with it, asking for support by Legions of Light and Christ Council.

This night I had a dream that showed me I am supported deeply:

There was this HOLE – from the high level /floor in a building I was standing on, all the way down to the ground – and the hole was edged with humans standing around it, all the way from top to bottom – lined with warm bodies all around the channel from top to bottom.

So I stepped inside it, and there was an ecstasy of feeling HELD, sliding and spiraling softly slowly downwards to the bottom, like being born into the earth-plane and being supported by all humanity

I remembered something Jeshua said in WOM somewhere – that we would be able to “slide down mountains” – the feeling was,”now I know how the sliding feels – and I am sliding and also holding the sliders

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Vow of Righteous Anger

Tiptoeing into this place to post – a bit apprehensive –yawning mightily in the decision to do it anyway

I have these dreams that present me with old survival patterns. The one I want to share is a sexual one connected to rapes throughout my childhood, and the identity I forged because of that.

In those moments when I noticed “there is that look again, watch out, he is going to do it” there was an immediate split in consciousness – and it is the material in this part of the mind that lately has been allowed into my dreams and from there into my conscious mind. That material/energy consists of a frantic crazy insanity with sexual lust mixed with a terror of death and being obliterated. I believe that this is what constitutes the energy vortex itself – it’s not “my” energy and “his” energy – it is the mighty vortex itself. And as I have explored this now for almost 40 years – in patient bits and pieces – my mind is accepting more and more of it in its full force. My training in Way of Mastery has certainly assisted me in not judging – and as I see that energy now, I see that it IS so strong mainly because of cultural taboos and common judging.

I discovered last night that part of me had discovered a way to survive as an “I” inside all of that explosiveness – she took on a role of “the seductress” that was given to her from she was very small: “Oh you LIKE this don’t you, you little whore” – in that moment, “she” saw that “she” had power over the man – there was something in her that he HAD to have – “she” had the power to make him want her.This strategy allowed her to feel power – meaning that not all of her disintegrated and was split off.

Meeting that part of me now, I see her intense shame, and can support her: “I am so sorry for what happened to you, And I am so grateful that you choose to find a way to feel power AT ALL – that saved you from being crushed.”

When seen and honored and not judged, she softens and deep crying comes. It is her crying, not mine, and I am there as her loving parent,/observer, witness – encouraging her to feel and express now when she is not alone.

AND:
I recognize how this way of being – “the seductress” – has been a – for me – invisible part. At a retreat in Primal Therapy years ago, a man pointed that out to me – in group, openly – and there was an immediate split in the group: one other person agreed with him and the rest attacked him for being so cruel –

But he was right, bless him – and I see now how it is not to be judged at all in me, and therefore not in others either – now I know what lies beneath it and cries for loving attention: please stop this torture, I am dying.

There also was a deeper level of insight:

I saw how that little one held onto an old decision:

I will NEVER let go of my anger and hate! It is a RIGHTEOUS anger – and I will keep it until somebody notices it and asks me what is going on and stops him/them and punishes them.

In a Family Constellation-group 20 years ago or so, I noticed a tremendous fear and grief arising when my father-part “died ” – and I was supposed to let him go. I could NOT do it – and now I realize that only as long as he was alive and did his torture, that “power-part,” ‘desirable – me’ was alive too – meaning that when he died, I/ it would die to.

I now fully realize the power – and IDENTITY – I have given to that part – the little girl who has to be “sexy and slutty” in order to be wanted, allowed, given power. I see how much I have judged that part of my sexuality/self too – and how much LIFE there is in that part.

HOW important it is to SEE this part with only love now: “of course you chose this. It helped us survive then.”

NOW I notice: that as long as that former vow about keeping the anger and that image of me is intact, I CANNOT accept LOVE. The vow of righteous anger prevents it.

So NOW I choose to acknowledge it, honor it
and allow it to be transmuted by the Love that heals and transmutes all things

Objectification

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

Latest Miracle

The reflections from Self are getting so refined – there are shivers up my back for this latest one.

Last night, I suddenly could not type on the PC – meaning, no letters showed on Word  – or Facebook . Music and videos still played – but I could not be heard,. my words could not be seen -I did not get through with what is important and true for me.

Thank God I knew this was not an error, but Divine nudging – and still it felt like I was invisible, I CANNOT GET THROUGH – very old feeling. Sat with that, allowed that.

It repeated this morning – Word still not working – imagine that yourself, it’s quite a feeling – and so I tried Chrome instead of Firefox and everything worked –

Message clear:

***I have to change the standard browser***

In my lineage, the Christ lineage, Jeshua teaches us in Way of Transformation:

I have to see with new eyes – Christ’s Vision – as my default way of looking – I have to REMEMBER this when I turn on the PC – and when I turn myself on each morning – and all time – the IMPORTANCE now to KNOW that I, big I can only be heard when I speak and express from Right Mind

Realizing that, i sensed the energetic shift within: the choice to speak FROM what Jeshua calls The Right Mind – the One we all share: aligned with God, or LOVE is you will – or small mind/ego – the fear-filled limited ego consciousness that I am so used to call ME.

And this is a DECISION I must make. Only I can – and MUST make it – otherwise the true I am not heard,not seen

So I checked Word again of course – and it works now: lesson learned

Now – remembering to remember – “where do I come from now – the old small self or the joined-with-Love-Oneness” –

 

White Dove

As I was awake in the night with great pain, Holy Spirit said: open your eyes and see Truth. Before that, He said words I cannot remember – but the meaning was that in reality, everything is beauty.
I touched an old pain in the shoulder area – there were green pastures wherever I looked. Happy playing children with happy happy voices

And the pain went away

I went to the lung-area, and there was a shining Presence inside a light filled grotto – reflexes from water filled and played on the walls…what an image to fill my lungs with – there was a sound of ten thousand happy babies laughing – Love said “ they are blessings. There are blessings everywhere you look. Remember these visions from now on – remember that anything else is unreal and in the past, and that you can choose to let it go and be done with it.”

After this, I listened to the  mediation on the last webcast  from Way of Mastery – so wonderful and potent –

Israel – this is so great to hear for me:

This body is the vehicle through which you explore your connection to yourself and to others, and to Mother Earth. You explore it THROUGH the body. You as consciousness is present here now, and knows the body is a thing to be cherished and honored, respected and loved. The vehicle through which we get to explore and experience this work – a little while. A vehicle through which the consciousness has learned to transform experience and relationships. 

And also so important – that we put our intention through our breathing to release the darkness.

I am gonna relax the perceptions I have about myself. I will relax my GRIP on consciousness – I don’t have a grip on it .
Relaxation is allowance.

This day I visited our little town nearby. And The Holy Spirit was there, on the bus station. One shiny flawless perfect little dove among the hundreds not so white pigeons. An old woman looked at it too, we looked at each other and smiled knowingly. Then it came to a young woman with a baby in a pram. I said I have never seen a white dove before – except in the Bible. She nodded. Then the dove flew right up in front of her face and almost flapped her with its wings. She startled – and then the dove repeated the maneuver.

A few second later, all the pigeons were gone, and the young woman too.

Then I saw a wonder of a movie: “About Body and Soul.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B4hCzq7H70

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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