A call from Mr.Esser

This morning, very early, a wave of darkness was moving through the mind and was sensed in the body, and in that second it was registered that this had nothing to do with a “me.” It happened to no-one, was just a movement in consciousness. And so, it was allowed to move, and “I” was watching it. I am using “I” here describing this, just for communication purposes – in reality, nobody was watching. It was completely impersonal, and from that second on there was just a watching of thoughts. No attachment to them, no interest. Each thought was appearing, seen and allowed to drift by. The wave of darkness was moving  s l o w l y  upwards and as it moved to a new area – like from chest to throat – certain thoughts, seen to “belong” to that area or chakra, was noticed and released. When this happened, at some point I was seeing that the energy was going both up and down, and I noticed that the hip-area-thoughts were very different form the throat -area-thoughts – they belonged to different families, so to speak.

“This is interesting” was seen as a thought too.

It was liberating to notice that all of this happened to no-one, (and no-one was missed.)

At some point the thought of Fred being out to kill me was seen through: I saw that I had used Fred to attack me and punish me: the attack was indeed seen to originate in the mind, projected outwards. Seeing this, the image of Fred and fear vanished without a trace – like in a dream –

Then I fell asleep.

I dreamed that my late husband Kip and me had different rooms sin our apartment. He was making lots of simplifications in his room. – A phone rang in his room, and he held it out to me and told me that somebody called “ Mr.Esser” wanted to talk to me.

But because I was intrigued by Kip’s changes, I chose to ask him a question about it (and wait to answer my call.)

I studied Latin for three years in high school. It’s nice when it comes to use.Esser means “to be” or “being.”

Realizing that I chose against talking to Being was seen with a mixture of amusement and slight irritation. ( And guilt: “oh God, again.”)

Then that was realized as just another thought too.


It’s late evening now – and the usual fear-pattern is establishing itself again. This time I don’t take it as serious as before: it is recognized that this is a pattern in my mind, and it’s there I will meet it and be with it – without believing in what fear is telling me.

So that’s what I will do now: go to bed and be with it, knowing well that what I am looking at, was healed the very second the “problem” of separation seemed to happen – and allowing that healing to just be.

So it seems I will talk to Mr. Esser after all

One more step closer to the light

I decided to write F and share my thoughts and what his act has triggered in me.I can share openly my process and what this had done to me – and I can share the beauty I have seen in him. And it feels GOOD to do that. That it feels good means that it comes from the heart and truth, and I am committed to follow impulses/guiding from that source. That is the very essence of healing  – to follow those impulses, and disregard the fear-based ones, belonging to the false self.

That means, being willing to know that only Truth is true and real

I see more often now that any feelings of discomfort, fear, pain come from choosing the ego thought system of guilt, sin and fear and believing it is “mine”  – identifying with it – but I can choose to turn away from the ego-lies and listen to Love instead.


My beloved Jamie tells me that this is all we have to do as Course students: just acknowledge that we chose this, we don’t want this any longer, and leave the rest to Holy Spirit.

“Just rest, and allow the fear to abate” he reminds me. I see that somehow I am so familiar with the sin/guilt/fear thought system – no wonder, it is everywhere in the world – I seem to believe that it is possible to find safety in there as long as I follow “the rules.”

I used a couple of hours this night to write down in a frank letter to him what was triggered in me by his act of destruction. The more I wrote, the more love was felt – and the clearer I saw and remembered him from when he was my patient: a deeply sensitive and creative man with torturing inner voices. And again I remembered that it was in our work together that an important truth was found – the Divine is always available in the middle of chaos and can be summoned.

The wolf and the grandmother

Yesterday I realized that Fred (the stone-thrower) and I have  a soul-agreement this life: that we would end this pattern of projections and roles between us. – He has got “the big bad wolf”-role  and I am the grandmother who is eaten :-). AS I “saw” this, I saw in my inner eye that Fred was taken out of the attack-trance – deep peace enveloped him, he  quite lost his ferociousness.

I told this to Kit today in our sharing-session – and also shared that I will not report him to the police – since that would NOT bring healing to the fear-complex: I would only fear the moment he came out again – just postponing the agony.

Much better to use the situation for healing.

What is important for me is that I am able to see through the fear and find the gift inside this whole process – symbolized by the wonderful glass heart.


We are both part of a healing awakening-process : when he threw that stone, he broke through a story of denial – my denial of my own rage. It felt very liberating to get in touch with that primordial rage, and not take it personal.

I want to write him a handwritten letter…telling about the glass-heart, and how I see that as a sign of Love: we can trust that this relationship between us can be used for Truth and Love for both.

Now it is seen so clearly that we have just played out roles in a  classic  story – but the roles say nothing about who we ARE in reality.

And I see that what I really want – and what makes me feel so peaceful when thinking about it – is suggesting that we might have a phone or Skype-conversation where we both speak and listen to each other in segments of 5 minutes each: when A speaks, B listens and reflects back what s/he hears.

To report him to the police now would cheat me of that gift – and it may also tip him over into deep thoughts of revenge.

Truth is not helped by it.

I remember a wonderful session we had. One of many where the Divine Feminine became present. He was painting a picture of a vortex of dark feelings, and inside was an empty space. When I asked what wanted to be painted there, he quickly painted a yin/yang sign. And outside this a blue slender and tender figure appeared: Mother Mary. She told him that whenever he is plagued by dark moods, he needs to recognize that she is there at the same time – and that he can choose to put his focus on her and not the chaos.

It IS the only sane choice there is – but in order to take it, we need to realize that the chaos/terror/pain-stuff – however strongly it manifests – is not real, and the thoughts about it do not tell the truth.


The tipping point

This morning, the moment there is a belief in the old story of being attacked, the tremendous pain starts in the heart. I am aware that this moment I do not even ask for help – there is no God available where I seem to be.

And all the same, the tipping point may have been reached. The miracle comes: gentle thoughts from Love are noticed, in the middle of crazythoughts. I recognize that even though the effects/symptoms are overwhelming, there is also a willingness to deny the reality of these projections of guilt from the mind. The Voice had been able to be heard because the willingness to see past the symptoms to Love was present.

I talked to a policeman Friday about coming here today, and was told to call back this morning and set up time. I realized that doing that started a whole avalanche of  expectations and speculations of what they MIGHT discover – and  I saw that this influence was not healing  for me: it created more paranoia, and they could find evidence that confirmed that.

It was seen that what I needed to strengthen, was the trust and support in Love inside my mind, and not looking for and finding proofs  for insane attacks in the outside world.

The first insight this morning was that I did not have to call the police today. Then I was reminded of the heart of glass that manifested in the middle of the destruction: a beautiful symbol not to be missed. “That heart could not have been manifested if you did not trust Love to be Truth” said Blue. I truly see how everything happens through me and not to me.

I chose with Barb recently to notice that not calling the Police created peace inside. I realized that I already had chosen that. When the fear-thoughts this morning came and started to doubt my former decision –  that was when the attack was felt the most acutely.

This is an old pattern in the mind of humanity: to doubt one’s decision for peace. That doubt – given support and confidence – creates huge chaos in the mind: it gives a signal to deny truth and choose fear. No wonder this manifests so strongly in my body!

What happened this morning may be the consequence of me bringing all doubts to Him the last 3 days, and repeatedly denying fear as real. 1

The willingness to see Love instead of fear is now seen to have brought fruits.


Later in the morning, still in bed, an alarm-like sound is heard and takes me out of wonderful dreams. I hear myself ask ” what is this alarm thought in my mind?”

“If I don’t do take the “right” choice NOW I will never have another chance.” Meaning – I HAVE TO do the one right thing now ( like calling the police) or disaster will happen – and it will bring calamities on the whole world. And the pressure to HAVE TO  find “the (ego)right thing….impossible.

What a terrifying image of God that is beyond such a thought- and how it gives importance to the personal ego-me. I remember to forgive myself for  subconsciously using my father and zillion other people* to  threaten me  with this lie – “you must get this NOW.”

What a great way to block the gentle Voice of Truth.

1 Denying fear as real doe NOT mean that I deny that I feel it – I just deny the stories it tells.

*The Course teaches that it is the Son of God as Mind, outside time and space, who chooses each moment which teacher to listen to: Love – or ego.

Dare to believe what you know

Another nocturnal session with Barb…I found a part that thought it was safe to choose agony, safe to choose terror! Barb said: “but you don’t have to believe that.” And it felt T E R R O R  at hearing that – because it believed its job was to choose terror and agony as its friends.

“You don’t have to believe that” opened a door to freedom –

We see that when we believed the tiny mad idea that it was possible to separate from God, it felt so horrible that we chose to believe it was real. But it is impossible to feel safe away from God, since you can’t BE away from God. It all comes back to choice. Even if you choose to be separated, God is still there

If I think of the stone-thrower, and all that agony comes up – God is there too

Maybe these tensions and agony is NOT necessary, realizes the “part” -and something inside relaxes, tears are falling, no crying, just release –

Leelah sees that this idea coming into this part of the mind – the words “But you don’t have to believe that” – that is a denial of the denial of Truth –

Barb: “You know it Leelah – believe what you know -dare to believe what you know

Leelah:  Dare to believe what I know


I know

that God is always present. Without Love there is no Life

I can believe I am alone

but it is not true

I can believe people want to kill me

and that is part of the dream that comes through me

but it IS a dream-

and it is true that outside the dream there is just Love loveing

Each time I think I am trapped and overwhelmed in agony and terror, this IS a thought that I believe

I CAN  choose to believe in Love

I can dare to believe what I know – that God is present whether I doubt or fear or believe in terror or not: nothing has happened except in my mind.

Comment from Mara

For you both, Leelah and notes…so resonate with you both, Same here with difficult nights, and peace at day…all part of conditioning falling away and knowing to feel fully all that is present. Yes, expansion and contraction..natural movement and flow. That is what we are experiencing with this see-saw, ‘in and out’, of awareness or whatever you want to call it. We feel that quality of clarity in awakening is ‘lost’, or the clarity deepens and in between this it feels lost. Of course there is nothing to ‘do’…the ‘I’ that ‘got it’ was never there, and can do nothing (it wasn’t really lost.)
You are that awareness, and this is the grounding, you (we) start living it as spontaneous happening(s) occur. :) )) Relaxation and tranquility increases spontaneously….much love, Mara (some of this said in email to you Leelah :)
nice to meet you notesofashaman :)

And  my blog today would just share that the ground floor SEEMS to be lost 🙂

Ground Floor

A wondrous awakening is happening. After the nightly session on Skype with Barbara, a knowing established itself: that whatever seemed to happen in thoughts,feelings and sensations/fantasies/pain etc DOES NOT MATTER – it is a dream, it is not real, and I – True Self -is untouched.

I sense an underlying state of consciousness – or level of mind – words are not good here -where I AM with God, as One. I see and experience it NOW as NOW. Sinking into it there is deep rest – and also there is awareness of much resistance in “the upper floors.” That does not matter – whatever goes on there is like a movie, a shadow-play in Plato’s Cave.

What this does for me is removing guilt effortlessly: guilt is from this “level” now seen to belong to the identity of the shadow-players – and extra layer of guilt is placed on most thoughts of the shadow-players. But from the ground floor these thoughts are seen as meaningless – belonging to a script.

The last night was fear-free. Oh the bliss of that! I had a dream that I was surrendering my body to float in a wonderful sea – and in that moment of surrender I received a kiss! I opened my eyes, and looked at my Godfather.

Now, the ego intervened very quickly and the dream turned into a fantasy of my this-life-Godfather fancying me, which was very disconcerting – but when  I awoke, the symbolism was not lost.

Today I was blessed again: seeing the movie Monsieur Lazhar. 

Both the teacher and the class had PTSD – and now,having a “ground-floor” – experience, I saw them all acting out the shock and denial that is part of the PTSD – and it was possible to see all those feelings AND feel them – without getting identified with them. I was crying with release, and was blessed with an experience of complete and utter beauty and truth.

Is it true?

Reminder from Barbara on Skype in the night:

If perceptions are not aligned with truth, don’t believe them.

Ask “Is this truth?” How do I know this perception is true?

Does it align with Love?”

Whatever I feel/sense that is not aligned with Love is not true

and I am willing to have those thoughts,perceptions and beliefs corrected

What is here now, let it be –

and question if it is true


I am the dreamer

Found this from earlier in the blog – exactly what I need to remind myself these days:

“I wanted to get upset about something on the screen, (meaning in my world) and forgiveness is saying “Thank you for showing me this to my mind, thank you for letting me see this part of my mind. I am the dreamer, I am grateful that it is all a projection and falsity. I don’t have to change it, fix it, or strive or anything. That’s what the joy is.” David Hoffmeister.


Loving reminder

Some week ago I opened the doc where I have saved this blog as a doc. All the titles were gone from the navigation-menu to the left. Whatever I did could not bring them back.

I swore just a little – and as I reformatted all the titles in 16 point bold Times, one by one since 2010  I found myself starting to read some of them. I highlighted the pearls, aiding me in the post-traumatic stress-period after the stone through the window.

And discovered what a great gift it was that I had to do that re-formatting.

Here are some of the pearls – re-given:

(About the stone-fears:)It became so clear how the story is nothing, and how my belief in it gives it all the meaning – and power – it has for me. It became clear how much I held on to it. And what has been the hook is the belief that it can kill me if I let it go. Suddenly I felt a giggle – and a willingness to be wrong about that belief. Holy Spirit took it, and now I know: This cold/hate/anger/fear cannot kill me: it is just a story.

Someplace in the dream, there is a really icky dark poisonous energy. I state my willingness to release the belief that ego can block Love – and after some seconds I have the thought that this is the very substance of the veil of illusion, that warps our perception – described above in the Course-quote. Blue says: “If God is perfect Love, this is a dream.” It’s just stuff. Not a signal of some hidden guilt or dangerous personal memory. I am starting to be excited to know that Heaven is just beyond this veil.

From Barbara: “As Spirit we come to see that “me” is not real.  We try to find “me” and “me” can only be found in the images in our mind.  There is no “me.”  There is no family.  There is nothing but Spirit.  We are free.  We are home.   And we can never again believe that we are “me.” The Awareness was always there.  The Awareness will always be.  As we shift our attention from “me” to  I AM  the perfume of peace envelops us. There is nothing left for us to learn.  We simply have to Be.”

It is just a habit that I call me. I can only let it go now when I see that I choose it.

And in the night, Blue spoke so soft and sweet to me: reminding me that each time I had a memory and felt its nauseating impact on the nervous system -I could remind myself that this was nothing I had to fix, by “forgiving it so it should go away” – I understood, in a melting moment, that all that was required, was silently looking at it.

“The unpleasant feelings you are feeling are all different flavors of resistance. They are just masks – or requests for Love. Take off the ragged costume: just a little fear. Just a little resistance – just a little ignorance. Just see the light under it – just be willing to see it shining through.That’s all that matters”

As I allow the truth permeate me – that if God is perfect Love, anything else must be illusion – the strong sensations of panic abate.

 I got the “message” that all was taken care of between us, whatever happened later was just part of the dream/the script – not to be taken seriously.











Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: