Mama Bear

This is my Mama Bear that I painted on my self made shaman drum 30 years ago

23. of December, Kathy wrote in a comment to “Dissociation:”

The child in the ice hole reminds me of the forgotten exiled ones. My husband ice fishes and I have seen holes like that a lot. I love that Teddy can be a surrogate for that one. Perhaps the bear will dream her into the knowing of the ONE LOVE. I have parts in the body that don’t know about this yet. They think they are alone and have to do it all alone. So it takes patience and compassion to work with everything and everyone that comes up.

This night, I asked my Mama Bear – who is a part of me too – to dream The Girl in the Ice out of the ice/dissociation and into my body – and asked her to give me a sign if she accepted. Immediately enormous muscle pains arose inside, I knew it meant that all the muscular tensions that I had established to “keep her away” now melted – and it hurt like frozen hands hurt when you thaw them.

Thank God I knew that this was a healing, so I breathed the best I could to assist it – and in just 15 minutes it abated.

THANK YOU KATHY

Red Thread

About 4 days ago,I noticed heaps of red threads all over the house. I thought, what remarkable fall-off of my woolen red shawl. I rubbed the red shawl, but no red threads came off.

The days after this I still found them. Just frequently enough that I started to wonder what they could symbolize?

So -today I found them at my toothbrush. This time it was so ridiculous that I stopped and asked, ” What am I supposed to see here? What IS the red thread here?”

“YOU are the red thread” the Voice said and I was embraced by a huge smile. “ YOU are everywhere.”

Merry Christmas everyone – thanks so much to all those who stopped and read – and even commented, I like that

May we all find this thread in 2021 – that trustworthy patient inner One Who only wants us to be happy and HERE

Dissociation – or Going Trough the Ice

I found this on Google images -photo taken by SeeWhatEyeSee. This is a good image of how it FEELS to be in that ice cold spot where you are seen, but nobody cares about it

In non-dualism (A Course on Miracles) we are One mind – seemingly spread out as 7 billion humans and a zzzillion of others beings – the One wanting the experience Itself as all of creation. I have found the old adage “As within, so without” to be precise and workable for me in my daily life.

So this One – expressed as me / Leelah – takes much joy and giggles from playing with everything showing up for her growth. Today, as I randomly picked a page on one of my many small notebooks, I found this about BEARS:

“:But their hidden strength lies in the bear’s ability to travel between the psychical and spiritual worlds, a talent that is recognized all around the world by those who live in harmony with nature.

One way that bears access their inner world in during hibernation when they find a safe and womb-like environment to let their physical bodies rest while their spirit travels. They travel through time, mentally digesting and learning from their experience, but they also travel beyond the realm of mind and body into the dreamtime, where they are able to be rejuvenated by the source of all life. In this sacred space, they are connected to physical, mental and spiritual realms all at once and can find the balance that they need to re-enter the world.”

This capacity I have also found in the Essene tradition – the one Jesus grew up within. In books about that tradition, their mysteries and spiritual explorations, I read about the spiritual practice -meticulously trained through years – to revitalize their bodies as they lie inside holy structures, like pyramids, guarded by priests and priestesses. In the book, “Anna – grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong, you can read about this in detail.

SO in mu notebook, I saw that bears travel like this too – revitalizing themselves. Aint that something!

I looked at the Teddybear in my bed and smiled.

And thought about a split of / dissociated part of me – which I have described in When Fear Comes Home to Love – an image I have found in all my patients: A small child, living in a hole in the ice – the image of deep repression of needs and overwhelming pain and trauma.

To heal this inner archetypal part, takes tremendous love, loyalty, and time – and playfulness, I have noticed. So now I looked at my Teddy and wondered if s/he could be a surrogate for the inner child.

Being a surrogate for another is a well known method for those who work with healing and see ourselves as beings of spirit -knowing that we truly are ONE in spirit. I can intend to “embrace you ” spiritually and “ work” on you  within MY body – I serve as your surrogate.

So I asked the inner ice-child if she would consider me working on her THROUGH Teddy. She said yes.

And so I took Teddy and did some energy procedures on her – and felt the results in MY body.

MAGIC!:)

Some procedures were instantly success – warmth and peace enveloped us ( the inner girl.) Others that I /Leelah love, did nothing for her – demonstrating that the dissociated part’s nervous system is not the same as mine –  our disowned parts live under slightly different laws than our physical body.

I LOVE how life constantly amuses me and refreshes me.

Who Dies?

This is the poem I described in a reply to Kathy yesterday – it was part of my main paper in the Expressive Arts Therapist education. (Bragging: I now have the great title as Supervisor. People have not bragged so much about me, so I use any opportunity I get.)

In order to spare your necks reading this, here is the poem in a neck-saving form.

 
Who dies?
 Who lives and suffers and cries in pain?
 Leelah is in pain. Who is Leelah?
 Leelah is a seeker.  A teacher. A mother. A healer. An artist. A what-ist?
 A witch – a bitch -  a Madonna -a whore.
 Who says this? Who writes?
 Who wants this to be beautiful?
 A voice in me
 Who is me ?
 Who is listening to what who is writing
 Who is writing what?
 What is writing who?
 Who is what is who really is –
 Who is confused now
 I am that I am
 Who says this
 Who is blocked now
 Who is judging that that blob a “bad”
 Leelah is. Who is Leelah?
 Leelah is a seeker. A lover. A lover
 Who is loving Leelah?
 Who is Leelah loving?
 Love is who-ing Leelah.
 Who is love? Who is writing?
 Who is here – witnessing- smiling –
 Who is seeing the smile
 Who is who is who is
  
 IS-ness
  
 Nobody is dying
 Body is dying
 Dying Is
 IS-ness 
*****

I so love that the center space was exactly the right size for the last words.

I got the idea to send this poem to the Levines, whose books I had loved and read to pieces for years – and they replied and told me they laughed – and then we continued writing for years. Both Ondrea and I had cancer at the same time

I wrote When Fear Comes Home to Love, ( see right menu) and asked them if they would write a blurb? Ondrea told me that she read it loud each night ( here I am bursting with pride and joy, please excuse me), and Steven allowed me to use a piece of a seminar he gave about forgiveness and abuse.

Here is what they wrote:

“Leelah says ‘we are not the story, we are the light filled loving space the story floats in.’ Leelah is this space; her writing is a precious resource for the heart and mind. The Tibetans speak  about the priceless gem, the ageless doctrines of truth; such are the gifts of the teachings found in her fine book.” — Stephen and Ondrea Levine, bestselling authors of Embracing the Beloved, A Gradual Awakening, Who dies and Healing into Life and Death.

Dear Kathy – thank you for wanting to hear about this 🙂

I Can’t Breathe – and it is a Blessing

I started this blog 10 years ago to describe my path back to normal. And realize normal does not exist in any other way than a comparison with not-normal – which does not exist either. Chucking out the window! Being replaced with Love.

These love-images are: Stephen Levine – and old teacher and friend

The green heart is a photo my cellphone took by itself as I was passing this moss-covered stone

The cat I call The Jesus Cat 🙂

And then, Quan Yin – isn’t she lovely

I still have to learn a lot about the new WordPress-version,as you can see

Today’s post is dedicated to all those readers who have inexplicable  bodily symptoms and  may now and then wonder if you have a forgotten twin somewhere –  an alter persona.

Through over 50 years of active exploration I have found that I have such a one – and that she has her own distinctive personality, centered around  repeated traumas from early years. The feelings and needs were repressed, judged and denied – and very effective split off from the personality and now seen as “not-me.” Dissociation is the technical term.

When I searched in my virtual dictionary for “technical term”, a  wonderful synchronicity happened: I got a whole list of words that all could be metaphors for this dissociated archetypal art in the subconscious:

stone fruit, drupe

coagulum, clot, thrombosis

boil, furuncle, carbuncle

tail feather, rectrix, feather

 proboscis, trunk, nose, schnozzola

In  “When Fear Comes Home to Love” she has got her own chapter – we explore this part in my patients through case-stories, painting, movement, storytelling and poetry, where she is allowed full expression creatively.  And now she has lately come forth in dreams in a way that allows me to SEE her as a PART OF MY BODY.

 Until I fully recognized her as this child that I once was, I saw her as symptoms – very annoying and repeating symptoms that no doctor could help me with.

Now, the last two days, I have been given symptoms that I recognize as hers: 1) strong leg-cramps 2) inability to breathe – feeling like lungs collapse.

Now, I have a so-called “dark mass” in my lungs that doctors tell me is malignant – but they also tell me that it is not cancer and not dangerous

I believe “she” has created this – an absolute refusal to breathe fully as she grew up. This decision led to deceased lungs, and to a very successful repression for 35 years.

But now I have seen her with nothing but love – and she has FELT that she has been discovered and seen kinaesthetically.

So yesterday I wrote about the cramps that immediately disappeared when I stopped reacting and judging them – I recognized them as hers and immediately comforted her instead.

Today my lungs collapsed for a moment – and again, I knew it was HER. I told her OF COURSE you would not breathe. Instantly the breath returned.

The magic that happens when i do this is that I incorporate her now – “she” feels and knows she has been seen and loved, and because of my full acceptance, the body receives her as a gift.

I am so thrilled by this process!

Cramps of Self Judgment

I am sitting here crying of release – since such a ginormous breakthrough just happened.

I have had strong recurrent leg cramps for about 20 years – and accepted that it was part of getting older.

Not so!

I  have had an incessant bitter, vengeful complaining going on – how unfair life is, God is a devil who allows me to go through all the horrors – or: he doesn’t care about me obviously – so I there must be something WRONG about me-

The thing is, as a “spiritual seeker” I have automatically judged myself for all this ranting – Oh, I should know better etc etc etc .

And today, as my leg bent in scary ways and I screamed for help and it did not abate, a soft insight started to grow: this is not YOU – it is A PART OF YOU.

The second the identification with suffering let go, a strong flow of warmth and relaxation flowed into my tortured legs, and the cramps were simply non-existent.

Which part, God?

This is all the ranting belonging the metaphorical girl who went through “the hole in the ice”*** – and who never was allowed ( by others, but most by yourself, Beloved) to express her pain and needs to be comforted. In these cramps you (and all the others “out there” who work with these patterns -) have lovingly worked through these collective beliefs of unworthiness, unraveling their structure in the One Mind we all share. We bow to you and everyone like you – you have found many of them recently in the new blogs you are following – like Kathy, Robin, Barbara – emphasizing including and loving all parts of us

I know these thoughts will repeat – they belong to us all – the part of the mind that has forgotten Who they are – but the difference now is that I will not automatically be swallowed up by the pattern. Now it will simply be a reminder to breathe, let go, relax – and feel a deep compassion for the scope of pain this part of the human suffers.

Very simply stated – instead of instant ( subconscious ) self judgment, there will be an invitation to embrace this old collective wound – taking the child up from the  hole in the ice, see yourself carefully warming it in blankets, singing to her is excellent – there are no shoulds in singing,  just a loving frequency meeting the old pattern of self-denial.

*** That girl and boy  is an archetype of suffering in the One Mind we all share. In When Fear Comes Home to Love I explore and describe it clearly in text and poems, images and case-stories, and autobiography.

This is the cover of When Fear Comes Home to Love – where archetypes are explored with case-stories,autobiography, poems and images – and lots of silly-wonderful synchronicities. The Child pictured here in the archetypal child of abuse.

The Place of I Do Not Know

My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and  who has shared her  feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”

Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”

I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.

It was a BLANK PAGE.

This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.

The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)

and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:

“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately  – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”

Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.

Now we have a shining opportunity: 

In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.

And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .

Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of  Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***

And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:

I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.

***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

New Frequencies of Thoughts -New Species

Today, on my way home from our nearest town, it rained, I had three bags, face mask and was a bit tired  – and I realized, I am supremely satisfied and happy in that moment.  My face mask always feels very unpleasant – I feel a bit suffocated, and there is dampness inside. NOW the air inside felt – not only pleasant, but pleasurable. The air felt vigorous!! I realized that my overall frequency had increased.

This lasted for hours. Nothing had changed in my world, but everything was different. Everything was a joy to experience

At home, I had my bi-monthly dyad-session with my friend Kit. We have done this for more that fourteen years and we are very happy with what happens.

I have her permission to share this:

She told me that she for the first time had been hacked – and how unpleasant it felt. She allowed those feelings, breathing into them- and then she said, “What I really want is to offer the hacker my love.”

There was a huge shift in energy. We sat with that for a while, and she added “Everything is a portal. A possibility for transformation.” We shared times where we have been invaded – and how the process had taken years: we need first learn to take care of ourselves, setting borders etc – and gradually we come to see that everything/everybody we react to, mirrors some part of ourself that needs love and forgiveness. When we love that inner part, more than often the outer manifestation changes.We realized the level of healing we had obtained by “hanging in there” for so many years. And that most of the time, the latest year, had consisted of not knowing where a process wanted to go, and just follow with interested curiosity.

At the end of our time, a dog across her street started to yelp. That dog was chained outside a shop, and did not like to be left. -Each time this has happened, we have asked where we feel left – or “what does the dog complain of today?”and then we talk to the dog “inside” and love him/her, and always when we make that connection the dog stops yelping.

This time my association was to an old inner image of a child in a hole in the ice – having left all hope go. This time I found myself reassuring her that she WAS out of the ice – this was just a reminder of her earlier overall catastrophic mind. She realized it at once and I became wonderfully warm inside. Maybe just a few more times and she will be integrated.***

*** This inner child is part of an archetype that I explore with my students in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” You find it in the right menu, and can read reviews on the Amazon page if interested,

Kit suggested that we may have been trained by our process to have climate-friendly thoughts – and as she said this, I got an image of what I have read many places: there are NEW species “coming in”  – the scientists don’t know how – but new animals, new plants and new bugs arriving – and even some creatures popping up in a different continent than before. Maybe when a certain amount of people has raised the frequency of their thoughts – from fear and limitation to Love –  this may  be mirrored in new creations of life – new species.

If you google “new species” I think you will be surprised.

Here are a few examples: A marvelous new flowering plant from Mexico. Image © 2019 Jonathan Amith.

The newly described cat-eyed cardinalfish. Image © 2019 Mark Erdmann.

What to do on a twiddledaddle day

You know – the days when you are on the sofa mostly and can’t get anything done. Just read a post from my blogamigo Kathy: https://upwoods.wordpress.com/2020/12/05/zamfizzled/

She describes it very clearly.

My recipe is food with cream in it and writing nonsense poems.

My Others

Moanie Molly is mean on Mondays

frivolus on fridays and

satyrical on Saturdays

Pretty-bow Prune tinkers with truth

on Tuesdays and

tortures toddlers on Thursdays with

a terrible smile of too- twinkling -teeth

Wednesday is my day – Woolly Wendy

is my wame. I call them in through

my windows of welcome

I wind them warmly into my

wet and woolly wembrace,

tucking them in, wriggling and wailing

wrapping them up in well-meaning waffle words

Sunday is sublime-day.

All of us together.

Singing in the supersonically choir of sunflowers,

Visiting soothsayers and sweet-shocked solicitors,

Swimming in star shined seas of sovereign surprises,

Summoning slithering salamanders

and cute little ducks.

Then we go home

and sleep the slumber of

sincere sinners

and saints