Blessing the opposite

As many of us, I have hidden influences from this incarnation or before that – many of them inherited from ancestors, as newer science will tell you. Some of you will recognize a tendency to sabotage yourself: – this pattern may be such a gestalt/entity, and it may be a way you have told yourself you are not worthy unless you do x and x,a way you try to fix yourself and perform as a way to earn value.

Which is of course futile – our value is intrinsic.

When such a part of our Self has had time to develop throughout several incarnations – and we always have succeeded in repressing it – it has become very powerful and strong and will exert a strong influence on us – often being mirrored back to us from the outside: in my case, editors delivering LOTS of errors and complaining that it never has happened before. Or stuff getting lost in the mail –  or the PC constantly telling you ” this does not work” ( and then it works)

So I have a possible solution for this, my friends and readers: blessings.

Blessings have that immediate effect that it melts and softens any contracted energy inside or from others. If a person annoys you, burst into blessing – and bless him/her in the opposite of what they are expressing. If they are grumpy, bless them in their kindness, their patience, their compassion. If they are fearful, bless them in their groundedness, their connection to their Self/any spiritual being that comes to mind – bless them in their memory of being a child of Love/God – bless them in their ability to receive deep motherly/fatherly love, comfort, security etc.

You will feel very good after this – since when we bless, we receive the same as we gives.

Don’t tell people you bless them 🙂 just go at it and you will see a difference.

 

 

True Value

Readers who has been around for some time will know that I live after the  word of wisdom by Hermes Trismegistus: As above, so below – as outside so inside – i.e.what goes on on the outside ( called “life” :)) mirrors something on my inside.

So I lost my Visa card. Instant terror! What did I automatically tell myself: I am alone. I will be tricked and abused and tricked some more. I must have done something wrong. Oi vey is mir!

Seeing that these are all old beliefs in victimhood, I place myself with a red shawl in a cosy sofa and investigated what went on on automatic. And what was this fear REALLY about – what might a Visa card symbolize?

For me, treasure – money – well, VALUE is a better word.

And I realized it symbolized  the mind’s old fear of losing God’s love – the fear at the moment of separation, that A Course in Miracle names ” the Tiny Mad Idea.”

So I sat there and God was giggling inside me at that truly mas idea that S/He could be lost – as S/He is my innermost essence that I share with EVERYONE.

******

I have written a Novel – you see it in the right menu: Hilaryon Stories. That book started as a hint from Holy Spirit – to write a novel where the feud between Pharaoh and Moses would be in-woven – albeit not as those two as characters. So I did – through 6 years I followed my Muse who sent me inspiration for 32 chapters that came randomly, not in succession. I had to trust completely that it would all come together harmoniously in the end, and it did.

You are very welcome to click on the book and read more – the first reader ( not family 🙂 told me that her energy changed while reading it – from depression to joy.

Being with it

I was having a dream with much awkward nakedness and acts and not pleasurable feelings- yiiikes – and woke up and told myself it comes to be released. So I breathed and was with it – and after 3-4 minutes the Light came.

Then I fell asleep again and had this short vision: a vase with beautiful fresh wildflowers stands on the floor in the living room. I say out loud: Who came with this? and a short and stout man with dark boots and little wings on the boots floats down to me and says ” they came from God.” He looks like a plumber – but it is Hermes the messenger of course plumbing his way through my nervous system/energybody and saluting me for at last BEING with all in gratitude.

No more having to find out “where it came from.” Just breathing and being there, curious.

Oh what a wonderful spiritual practice I have! How trustworthy!

Have a great day, all

How Hilaryon Stories happened

About 11 years ago I participated in a writer group on a Harper Collins digital platform for budding authors, called Authonomy. We wrote Flash Fiction ( max 1000 words)each week, and voted for the one we liked best.

As soon as I wrote  what is now the first chapter in Hilaryon Stories, I felt deeply hooked into the material. A door had opened, there was playfulness and freedom and JOY inside, and my voice was intimately joined with the text.

Later I wrote more chapters from Hilaryon, and recognized that I would write a novel.

I was deeply in love with my main character, Croc, who turned out to be a reincarnation of the old Egyptian Master Imhotep – physician, architect and spiritual master.

I ended what is now the first part of the book 4 years ago.  I missed the characters very much – and after 2 years I could not stand it, and asked Spirit, “what would be a great theme for part 2?” “Would you consider to explore the energies of the Old Testament  – ha, the word correction gnome wrote the old Statesman! 🙂 the feud of power and hatred between Ramses and Moses? and that old version of God, of course –

YES, I would like to do that – I wanted to find out how  that God could accept murdered babies as a way to prove his power over Ramses. The idea was to just write and TRUST that the chapters somehow would work all of this out. And the Part Two opened with Johan Sebastian Bach ( who entered the book in the middle of Part One) being thrown out in the cold by his third wife.

When I had said a clear YES, magic  and synchronicities started to happen – which made me sure I was on the right track.

 

If you click on the book in the right menu, you may find out if this is for you. No way Spirit has planned this for me, Leelah, alone 🙂

 

SAKINA

After sitting with the inner attacker and embracing him, my body went crazy: so much old repressed energy cascaded out, the body swells and is intensely itchy.  What at last alleviated it was my steadfast decision to remember Who I am and to acknowledge it – the more i did it, the more I knew it was TRUTH.

Clear inner message: Energy medicine with balancing the meridian system is OK – AND you need to find your connection with Me.

In the morning saw that a person – a sufi teacher♥ – had “liked” a post – and I knew that this hardship is part of the path I am called to walk THROUGH – and its tenacity has its root in identifying with the resistance to Love, like the Attacker:

I need to stop seeing these patterns as ME or MINE – since then I am identified with it and illness may happen. In the huge physical manifestations last night I notice that what was healing was my insistent and repeated practice of “AM ONE SELF – joined with my Creator, unlimited in power and in peace.” Suddenly the itching was there, but the identity with it had gone – now I could just BE there and breathe through it – it was not ME any longer, not “my” body.

Here is the text God via the blog writer “Inner Peace” wanted me to read again:

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:  http://beautywelove.blogspot.com/
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
 
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

Hilaryon Stories – the Botany of Loss,Longing and White hares

For six years I have worked on a novel – guidance told me it had to somehow touch on the feud between Pharaoh and Moses in the Old Testament. I have never been able to digest that image of God, so I thought is was a good idea to do it like it happened in this book- giving it all over to my Muse, who turned out to be Master Hilaryon of the 5th Ray -! –

Now the book is almost formatted completely – and I want to present the Cover here. I stitched/embroidered it myself 🙂

I AM ONE SELF

The last 6 months or so I have worked with a brilliant copyeditor  for my novel. “Hilaryon Stories – the Botany of Loss and Longing and White Hares.” During that process, the old pattern of confusion and distractions have played with both of us – the most silly and unthinkable digital pranks have shown up; there has been a lot for me to catch hold of and tend to inside.

I have prayed constantly to see all this differently – to see each other  as innocent and not stupid and wrong.

When my cover formatter joined us, there were impossible errors showing up in the text on the back cover – and pointing out these errors to him and calling him to  correct them called up tremendous fear. I sensed the Fuckeat archetype rising– and telling me if I did this to B, he would come after me and kill me.

It felt so very convincing – this is what lies under the common belief “ I am stupid. There must be something wrong with me.”

Until I remembered the energetic law – what I focus on, I empower.

So after a month with this constant fear and new errors each day, I decided to deal with fear differently. I found one of my small notebooks and opened it. It said ( bolding is mine: )

Lesson 95 I AM ONE SELF

  1. Begin the practice periods today with this assurance, offered to your mind with all the certainty that you can give:

I am one Self, united with my Creator, at one with every aspect of creation, and limitless in power and in peace.

Then close your eyes and tell yourself again, slowly and thoughtfully, attempting to allow the meaning of the words to sink into your mind, replacing false ideas:

I am one Self.

Repeat this several times, and then attempt to feel the meaning that the words convey.

  1. You are one Self, united and secure in light and joy and peace. You are God’s Son, one Self, with one Creator and one goal; to bring awareness of this oneness to all minds, that true creation may extend the allness and the unity of God. You are one Self, complete and healed and whole, with power to lift the veil of darkness from the world, and let the light in you come through to teach the world the truth about yourself.
  2. You are one Self, in perfect harmony with all there is, and all that there will be. You are one Self, the holy Son of God, united with your brothers in that Self; united with your Father in His Will. Feel this one Self in you, and let It shine away all your illusions and your doubts. This is your Self, the Son of God Himself, sinless as Its Creator, with His strength within you and His Love forever yours. You are one Self, and it is given you to feel this Self within you, and to cast all your illusions out of the one Mind that is this Self, the holy truth in you.

I have felt this Self each time I have sat down with it – so I have used the fear and distraction-occurrence to choose to rest in THIS instead.

When at last the cover was clear, I broke the trance of fear and chose to mail the formatter, addressing the underlying rage and revenge-energy, owning my part of it and telling him I wanted to see some of his beauty-images, not only the dark ones. He answered with love and humour and 3 images radiating truth.

After this, my sleep was filled with light and humorous dreams. I dreamed I had borrowed a heap of clothes from a store, I needed none of them – and a friend  told me she had returned them FOR me. What a sign – to give up the idea that I have to “do it all myself.”

And each time I have felt negative sensations this night I have said “I AM ONE SELF” and have felt how Its energy suffuses and melts the low frequency.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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