Trainstation

Good morning all !

I just had a heavy hopelessness-experience. VERY heavy.

Heard: “Which station has the Leelah-train stopped on now?”

#TIRED AND ABSENTMINDED#

“Stay there a bit, sweetheart. Look at the landscape.”

Very tired weeping willow, like forgotten by God, Like that is possible!

heh

I am sitting and watching and blessing it.

Slowly a small wind arrives – and mild quiet patient rain-

” It will be OK, you know – needs a bit of care and love, sweetheart-“

( kind and low chuckling)

Autonomity

A big step forward today

The sweetest from the communal health workers, tiny and radiant Li from Sri Lanka, visited today with the very simplest way for me to take prescribed pills: a roll of tiny plastic bags. I just rip them of at the correct date.

This came after days and days of struggle between me and the communal workers – I was feeling like a small child that could not be trusted – and this night I loudly told The Universe what I wanted:

To be seen and treated like an adult, able to remember and take care of taking her medicines without being controlled.

And exactly so it happened

This is what a Course in Miracles is all about: stating the truth about myself and everybody – we are as God created us – radiant souls – expecting to see that in everybody, blessing them in this vision- expecting the very best

And then comes Li♥

Healing old memories of oral abuse

Pain in the neck –

Do you ever have one? I have one – and it is now identified, seen as neutral and can evaporate.

IS vaporizing.

Writing this, I sense the freed energy moving down into the lungs and heart and abdomen – while I yawn and yawn and yawn.

I can see the frenzy of that energy wreaking havoc throughout its journey: the neck – back of the head – now I can sense there is a whole kind of de-frosting starting there and spreading. Big nausea – welcomed.

Forgiving the whole pattern, forgiving the echoes made throughout the body, faithful body, doing it’s very best to deny it all and repress the energy into the mouth and the teeth. “This is NOT NOT NOT real, go away image, go away imprint, this is not happening to ME:”

It happened to the body – and so I identified the body with ME.

But in A Course in Miracles, I learn that the body is NOT who I am – I am Spirit, healed and whole and innocent.

For each big yawn now, the neck and body are releasing the physical energy

It feels – exquisite.

Now I know why I lost my beautiful soprano! – The energy of singing sent the vocal cords into vibrating and made the whole singing area a disaster-area. It opened up to the memory I had shunned, sounds that must not be heard, cries that were forbidden.

My soprano was spectacular. I lost something extraordinarily beautiful.

And I recognize that the venom and deep disrespect of women that the semen contained, the very energy of that, is what REALLY had to be repressed and denied – seeing my female soul and body as disgusting, a container for that disgust.

And of course, the child thought this disgust had to do with her.

No wonder the singing had to stop.

Now, the singing may be on its way back it seems – it may take long time

I don’t care

I am free

I am as God created me

****

I tried to find an image of a girl singing – and all I got was performing girls with mics and costumes

you have to visualize this one for your self :

about 4 years old – standing outside in a meadow – summer – and just singing because the beauty needs to be expressed

The Inner Child

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

This is the litany of the small inner child – a child who thinks she is without a helping loving God, for sure. She is ugly and bad and guilty, and she MUST be – since all these bad things happen to her –

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

These days, my TV refuses to let me play with setting it up and choosing stuff from the menu. It freezes. Just like the little girl’s mind froze up under the yearlong attacks, that she so cleverly managed to push down to the dark basement. The first line in this post – if you say it out loud yourself, what do you feel in the body? I feel blocked out from everything that is GOOD and holy, and this “I” feels that she deserves punishment, and that she pays off her guilt to her Father. Her carnal father behaves like a devil sometimes – a Mr.Hyde – and she always justifies it within, in order to adapt to the situation and not be destroyed.

My TV mirrors this to me now– it freezes and won’t let me choose the programs that make me happy – and it won’t let me find a way to TEXT, so I can follow the great series about the Swedish Nobel Price Winner Selma Lagerløf  that I have saved. I need the undertexts – since I don’t hear very well.

The under-texts would symbolize “watching WITH God/Love” – a watching that makes her understand the foreign language. And a teaching from A Course in Miracles.

Her bad hearing is certainly such a symbolization too.

My Holy Self is showing this to me – so I can truly SEE and experience the consequences of the child’s beliefs: a deep belief that she IS a victim that God hates and wants to punish.

And in my life, where everything “outside” mirrors my mind – what an excellent symbol the TV is

Sitting with these thoughts and their energy is the solution. The energy is the inner child.

May this be of help to those who needs it

And may that little child get a space in our heart so she can grow up safely. The belief she repeats incessantly and subconsciously is

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

From Unsplash

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

Writing it down again – and again – allowing it to be in the open –

allowing myself to feel stupid

allowing

not judging

You Shall Have No Other Gods But Me

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

SHALT.

As a human being, I hear this SHALT as “You SHALL, OR ELSE!!”

There is a deep and terrible threat in it: I will punish you if you don’t.

This fear is profound in me – its energy lays between me and all that is kind and good and forgiving – my Self, made in God’s image.

As a Course student, I am committed to find everything I have placed between me and LOVE, or  me and my Divine Nature – I am asked to forgive my own creations. Which is the Course’s way of describing everything I experience and live through.

If I see you as evil and wrong, it is because I have placed a perception of evil and wrong upon you – and you are acting it out. With blessing I can heal the perception: “I bless you in your integrity, in your innermost eternal Light, in your holiness, in your willingness to heal and wake up and remember who you are.” Yes- the acts may be heinous – and the person acting them out is far away from his Knowing who he is, in his essence- but as I am willing to remembering it FOR her/him, his soul will pick it up.

Example:

I was going by a quaint little train from a valley up in the mountains. There were tourists there from all over the world. There were no seat-tickets. I found myself sitting crammed into a crook with a German family with a 5- and 3-year-old. The three-year-old was sitting across from me and took his pleasure in kicking my shins (tibia?) hard and rhythmically. I looked at the parents and asked them to stop their child – they looked incredulous.

And I remembered a sentence from A Course in Miracles: when I see others as bad or mean, say inwardly “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Pointing me in the direction to change my perception of them from BAD to Holy.

Yes – their actions may be reproachable – but we are not our actions, says the Course – we are Spirit who has forgotten that we are made in God’s image, and believe that we are humans only.

Now I was reminded that I was caught in an illusion that I was unjustly treated – and I was reminded to see the family as Holy Children who had forgotten their origin – just as I.

One minute or so after I had said this silently, the woman raised her head and looked like she had been shaken awake. She rose, picked her her kicking toddler and went to the window, looking out at some of the most astonishing nature views in Norway. I rose too and took a place at the window next to her. She turned her head and smiled radiantly at me.

The dream this morning was about me refusing to believe my perception of a demanding God who roars You SHALL!!! Love Me The Most.

As I am resting in that now – I see how completely this belief in a demanding Old Testament-god has colored my life – and for sure, the subconscious of the western psyche. We are guilty and shameful and must be punished. And how would it feel to know, I ask myself, to know that our ACTS maybe horrible and sinful – but my true nature is not. I have just denied it and taken on the collective mind’s litany: we are sinners and must be punished.

In no way do I deny my nature who wants to win and be right above all – but today I have had yet another peek behind the curtain: I have done it all to my self, by  believing that this small separated self is who I truly am.

No. I am one with God, It is All Loving, and I am healing my perception.

Now dear readers, maybe only one of you have followed me all the way to this sentence – this blog is mainly a way to show myself how to awaken – to cherish the ways. And if it has just touched ONE being’s heart as helpful, I am very grateful

This video shows HULDRA – a wicked nymph who lives under earth in the wide plains and lures young men with them into the mountain – compare Peer Gynt and The Green One in Ibsen’s play. She also like to show up at a station on Flåmsbana and sing – as you can see in the video

Everything is Possible

A miracle is happening for me.I have for months had a dispute with our largest Phone-communication company – ( which for me is a symbol for the highest LOVE.) They have sent me a new adapter and it just would not bring the connection. Something in me knew that this was going to be a great lesson – the sysmbols are about communication – and that it was helpful to know that the connection I deepest wanted, was the connection with LOVE/GOD/Source/whatever we call it.This morning, after AGAIN feeling unjustly treated by customer service – and being certain I was RIGHT about it – I watched the first video with Autumn and Prune Harris. – This is a series about how to align with the energy of Nature – now Autumn – and I was for the first time willing to ask inside what the theme was that held me back. I was immediately brought back to my very early decision to perceive myself as hated by God – because of the horrors happening to me. I was shown the choice of my soul before this incarnation – to experience a life in a body which would be the opposite of being protected – and then – in spite of it all – finding LOVE. The REAL thing.

In one huge crying fit I saw all the persons participating in the various abuse-versions as roles in the drama that I had written and produced and play the leading role in – decided on that level before physical incarnation. I had wanted to have such a life be lived through fully – explored fully – and then coming to the realization that my soul has written the script – because it wanted most of all to prove to itself that LOVE can heal it all – and most important, heal my own perceptions.

I have been working deeply with this theme the last 50 years – and today was a deep breakthrough in simplicity – it has all to do with MY CHOICE to believe that I am a victim as my identity.

I can see my parents and brother clearer now – the correction has been put in motion – I can feel it. I believe I will experience to be close to LOVE and God again – and be sure to forgive any signs from the outside to mirror unforgiven stuff from inside.I am in awe of the perfect orchestration and TIMING of it all – including Prune’s bout with Covid 19 and her request for us all to send love and light and balance to EVERYBODY who needed it – and her rapid recovery. Everything is possible.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love I wrote 49 examples of how God ( naming It BLUE in my book) intervened playfully when I needed it most.

Here is one such story:

A clairvoyant woman tells me that I have a wonderful big heart with potential for great transformation. “I doubt that” says my ego. I feel a strong impulse to visit a special book-store nearby, they have religious books and images, and I want paintings of Jesus and Mary, and hope to find some that are not sugary.

I don’t find any images that my heart loves. I find a small bowl of metal pins, and put my hand into the bowl and pick one. It says Leelah in red writing – and it shows an image of a little amorine who is shooting an arrow of love into Leelah’s heart.

Blue

Here is BLUE – the sacred animal in the cover of my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Just today – more that 30 years since I wrote it – do I realize why the Holy came to me as an animal. I smile and smile as I realize that the animal carries no baggage – while Jesus and God carry more baggage than Chicago Airport.

The image also shows how the Holy is always present in every situation – even the very darkest ones

This is BLUE – the symbol of embodied LOVE

Here is a short snippet

“Allow me to present the Blue to you – The Presence of Love within the Myth. When I started to write this book, my idea was to explore the figures within the Image and the Myth, and find their stories and healing potential. But three years into the manuscript Blue made Her[1]* entrance.

It was during one of my agonized sleepless nights. I started to pray, and found myself talking into my little dream-recorder which stays in bed with me. I decided to pretend that I was God and knew the answers to my agony. I asked, and “God” answered. It comforted me.

This repeated itself for almost a week. Then the ego butted in and persuaded me to stop these conversations. It wanted me to take the credit for the book, not the Divine.

That stopped the process very effectively.

But then I sat down and wrote down the conversations – and saw the wisdom, humor and Light within The Answering Voice. The moment I knew, with a wave of gratefulness, that these dialogues were going to be an important part of the book, I also knew that The Voice belonged to the sacred-looking blue animal in The Image, under the root. In that revelatory moment, the structure and intent changed: before, I was trying to write a book to be accepted by the academic world, to “prove” my worth to them – a futile and impossible scheme of the ego – now it became clear to me that Blue had planned it all! So this book is written to remind us all of that Guiding Principle within, Who faithfully leads us toward our awakening.

Conversations with Blue are meandering throughout this book, and the text is also spiced with short examples of Divine play, through the form of synchronistic events and magic “coincidents.” With deep compassion and humor, She shows us how She leads us and plays with us, and how darkness can be seen as layers in an onion, opening to the radiant Light at the center.

The following dialogue is one of the very first:, from 1997. Blue’s voice is in italics:

Talking with Blue / 1997

I am here to remind you that you are a child of God – and that ALL your journeys, stories, poems and images point toward Me. I am your sunny garden, your golden haven, your sacred heart – your one and only Mother and Father. Come home to Me now – I AM LOVE. I am here to urge you to RECEIVE YOURSELF.

Who are you, Blue?

I am you. There is no separation.

Can I call you God? Can I call you Christ?

You can touch whatever consciousness you want with your heart and intention. If you address Christ, His answer will be filtered through your consciousness and through your mind. And you will give My voice the voice you have been conditioned to use.

If you address Christ, it is from the Christ-source the answer will be given. How you hear it and receive it, is up to you, and will be refined through experience – much like an artist grows into her true form. –When you – and all humans – are communicating like this, you are doing yourself a huge favor: you are taking away control from the ego, and stepping outside its prison doors, into fresh air. I repeat, I AM YOU – there is no separation, except in your mind.

Dearest Blue – why have you taken the form of an animal in my image?

To show you my playfulness… I am Divine playfulness, cohabiting with the demons under the root – so you shall not take it so very seriously, my dear.

BUT IT IS SERIOUS!!!! IT IS HORROR!!! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!

What is horrifying is to be trapped in the illusion that this Child is all you are. You need to have tremendous compassion for the Child – and at the same time recognize that you are also one with Me. The role of Child, this unhealed soul-fragment – “the one who suffers in hell” – is meant to be healed through the “Greater You.”

There is a GREATER REALITY (10) where you experience all as One. –You and I planned this drama – don’t get stuck in it! You are not the roles, you are not even the drama – but you are responsible for making the drama conscious, so you can step out of it. Yes – don’t get stuck in it, my love, PLAY WITH IT. As every actor knows, it is necessary to step out of the role. Child and Fuckeat are not YOU – it is something you explore to discover the dark places within you that you still haven’t loved and healed.

You cannot really choose love and light without knowing what darkness, denial and hatred is. When Adam and Eve were in Paradise, they did not know that it was good – before they seemed to fall from Grace.

So when you and your fellow-travelers experience and explore your root-hell, you will then have the necessary experience of torment-awareness to choose the opposite. But this choice becomes available only after having fully experienced and accepted your own tortured feelings.

Realizing the hellish drama as your own creation, [2]* will give you the impetus to choose love.

And please have fun doing it!

The essence in The Lesson of The Root is recognizing your error in identity – and then to choose again!

*

 

[1]*In the text, I may use ‘Her’ for Blue, our sacred Self, or Holy Spirit in Course-language. Blue is of course non-denominational – but in my experience, She has the quality of Divine Mother.

 

[2]* The Leelah-figure, according to the Course, creates absolutely nothing – the part of the mind that creates is outside time and space and has nothing to do with this body/personality we believe ourselves to be.

(10) At the time I was receiving this loving Voice, I was also deeply into Emmanuel’s Books: ‘Greater Reality’ is his term for Heaven.

 

 

I Know Where I Am Going

For me, this is a song about going Home to Who and What I am – Christ consciousness.

Poetically:

Heaven. God All Love.

When I was very young, I realized that the most trustworthy substitute for the real kind of love was chocolate. The dark variety was called LUNCH. My mother and I LOVED LUNCH and we ate quite a lot of it.

Now, mamma knew that she had to not know what went going on with my father and me, since that would not be acceptable and far from bearable. So when my inner agony screamed out to be heard, I quickly and quietly knew that I could choose to believe it was chocolate I needed – not the real thing. And then she joined me in comforting herself, too. So it was a bonding- a bleak substitute, but the stuff in the dark chocolate is very powerful and stimulated the coveted serotonins almost instantly.

But all my yearning – for warm arms and a lap and just being heard and received and loved and comforted – was squelched. And I started to tell myself that I was unworthy to receive the real kind, and that THIS was given me instead.

It was a clear choice from my soul to perceive chocolate as a power stronger than love – and a trustworthy and effective one as that.

This morning I knew with all of me that I am going to abandon that belief. That belief tells me that I prefer chocolate/ sweet desserts etc. to the REAL thing -the Pure Divine Love that I am.

Realizing this deeply this morning – after one my thousand dreams of not finding the way back Home from whatever country I am dreaming myself into – since Home was chosen to be a substitute when I was small. No wonder I could never find HOME in chocolate.

And non duality – and Jesus/Jeshua – tells me that what I choose to believe, God says yes to – since it is my free will.

It is my free will to think and act and see the consequences, forgive myself and my creations and choose again.

This morning I knew the point of no return has come ( I apologized to the bees and the innocent sugar canes)

I have felt so many times that entitities / parts – of me? live through my energy system- and nourishes themselves – each time I indulge in chocolate/ sweet food – instead of sitting with the yearning to be filled up with LOVE. The REAL thing.

It is all about my power to choose what/who I want to be my true comforter.

I realize that all the time I have comforted me with chocolate and yummy desserts, I have chosen NOT to trust that Love is there FOR ME.

There is nothing wrong with yummy desserts and sugar – but my choice for it as a substitute for Love gives it exactly that power.

I am not willing to think like that anymore –

and I am willing for this to be easier that expected – since I do this with the Holy, not alone

The body and brain has 76 years of addiction to deal with –

but I choose to do this WITH love now

with help from my guides and angels

and the recognition of Christ as my true Source

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

Saying NO – and the Covid 19

My friend Leni Dubel ( you find her at Facebook ) had a near-death experience when she was younger, and in that numinous space she was contacted by guides and helpers who shared methods for dealing with our shadow in any way – including illness/corona

With her permission, I want to share her method here:

I have seen incredible changes in my own life by welcoming and loving each issue that happens. Surrender is also extremely powerful when it comes to being in control of the issues and no longer attracting them. Remember, your soul has its own agenda. Your reaction to these issues fuels your soul’s learning experience. When you are no longer reacting negatively to the issues, the learning stops for your soul and it does not need to continue with that particular issue anymore.

To welcome and love the issue without defending against it you: 1. Pretend that you are holding a sword and shield and then set them down.2. Welcome the issue as if it were a person, into your home or imagined sacred meeting space. 3. Take a second to love and then thank the issue. To surrender the issue you simply pretend that the issue is a present and give it to your Guides, the Universe or whomever you pray to. And then surrender all of the worry to it as well. You are not allowed to think about it after this. You can do this as often as you’d like. It will probably take some practice. And with the thoughts that you have about anything negative you simply want to tell those thoughts “no” each time that they surface. This will help to release them from their catacombs so that they no longer have manifesting power over your life.

***

I (Leelah) have recently been overwhelmed with negative self talk with strong energy. I now started to say NO! when the thoughts popped up, and it was some of the most effective strategy I ever have experienced. It stopped immediately – and then it seeped back. In A Course in Miracles, the main thing Jeshua/Jesus teaches us is that we/ some part of us/ CHOOSE everything that happens to us – and this NO is choosing again! And there is a big difference between saying NO from judgment – and just saying NO as a decision to not accept hateful thoughts into my mind any longer – I will not rent space to them in my mind, as Jeshua says in Way of the Heart.

I used Leni’s method to invite the energy of the Corona in, in the very first beginning of the year 2020. She appeared to me like a queen. I saw that she came to create great and necessary changes in the human collective mind. I started a group at Facebook where I invited people to visualize the virus in its rather beautiful rose-ish image – and allow it to transform into something that would allow us to see its true beauty behind/within the physical form. It is my experience that when we transform an image of something, we also transform the energy of that image.I invited us to see it with Christ’s vision.

I have also had friends who have got the Covid-19 – and who used their spiritual practice to intend to see it WITHOUT fear. The minute they truly SAW that it was the fear about it, that was harmful, they healed within hours.

I’ll repeat that: I have learned to recognize that it is not the virus itself that is hurtful – it is our thoughts and fears about it – our unconscious beliefs that we are being punished for our guilt etc.

Please hear that I am sharing my beliefs about it, and the experiences I have had because of the teachings and what I have experienced with students/clients the last 32 years and myself.

Here are some of the answers I got from the Facebook group – experiment:

The little but then large blue barbed balls of chaos outside of us flying at us attacking us, entering the body spinning like wild then slowing down met by pink golden light balls surrounding the virus calming the virus overtaking the virus calm loving peaceful forgiving. Transforming the blue spiked balls into pink golden light and love. Changing the spirit of mankind into compassion and trust and truth. The virus no longer exists for eternity. 🌻

*

I saw a beautiful rose unfolding, transforming into paper fireworks in many colours, and abundance gently raining down on the whole world. I felt oneness and connection. And I saw white figures all connected to both the earth and the sky, all being lifted up, some just a bit above the ground, and a few all the way up to heaven. I felt deep peace and grounding.

I feel calm and relaxed, more than I have felt in a long time. It is as though the virus has released the heavy tension I have had in my body for many years. In spite of the serious situation, I can see the future «as bright that I have to wear shades»

*

This morning I saw – without even intending to – the red dots on the virus as small children holding sacred fires in their hands, the fires lay in bowls of gold. The babies were then sitting in a circle that surrounded the image. I heard the babies’ happy voices, and I still get shivers when i describe the holiness of it all. The yellow dots were all fuzzy baby birds – chicken, ducks, I don’t know – the gray was silk, and it emanated tenderness and protection. The white was snow lanterns – very soon we will see them as light filled.

I invite you to LISTEN to the sounds emanating from this image – they feel like blessings

*

Please know that I in no way am interested in pushing my beliefs and Faith on my readers. I want to share what is true for me, and what is seen as true in my spiritual teachings.

And feel free to comment, as always 🙂