Worth

This  lesson* has repeated itself faithfully the last 5 of more years. The basics is: I have bought something I love – whatever – and the gift to myself is delivered to a pick-up address in a post office far away from me. It would take me at least three hours to get there with buses. And so I have to contact the post office – and the last variety of this, happened last week, was that all the posts with order number and pickup number simply disappeared from my mailbox. I chatted with The Post delivery, and even when that astonishing man succeeded in finding my packet without the number . what a miracle! – in the end he made some promises to send me certain mails – and they never turned up.

I chatted with a new chat person – did I mention that I am stubborn – and she miraculously found that other chat person – she made promises too re mails – nothing turned up in my mail.

SO AT LAST I was willing to acknowledge that I was not a victim of this repeated process – it was a metaphor f my belief:  I am not worthy to receive the gifts of the Universe

Bu I truly am as God created me – that cannot change at all. I have believed myself to be an unworthy guilty being, separated from God’s Love.

I truly see the IMMENSE suffering that belief has created – for me and everybody.

I am willing to be wrong about it

I am willing to let it go

I am willing to have my perception made from fear be transformed

All I need is my willingness to accept that this is true

Fully and completely

*A Course in Miracles teaches that all our seemingly troubles and trials are nothing but lessons the Universe delivers – to help us find our hidden beliefs of ego, forgive them and replace them with truth And the Universe will mirror the Truth back to us. As Above, so Below. What I don’t accept inside myself, the Universe will mirror back to me – so the lessons are very clear, once I discover them 🙂


	

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too

 

Old gunk in the cells

I have an intolerable inner itching all over the body. Sensing into it, it hisses and hates. Immediately I recognize it as a signal for a radical choice: turn around and bless it. Accept it. Allow it to breathe and express – let it realize it will be heard and not condemned and judged.

A big room opens at my choice. I am lying in the dark for hours of this outpouring of hatred and hopelessness. I see that my worst experiences with ghosts and demons – those energies, from those souls that decide to stay on this plane after their death – they are here now to be SEEN and accepted and helped.

I did a lot of work with this ca 30 years ago – but then I had a belief that they were somehow doomed and less than me – “they must have done something terrible and this is their punishment” or something like that.

Long time ago I spent the night on an old farm, and it swarmed with ghosts and base, mean energies. Thank God there was a woman there who was NOT afraid, and we went from room to room and called out the ghosts to see the light and return to where they came from. I certainly saw them as something outside of “me.” Not anymore: we create these ghost-like lost beings by violently deciding against looking at them with love,

In the night, I thanked them all for not giving up trying to get me to SEE them with love. I saw that it was my violent resistance to these energies that demonized them. The shift in frequency was remarkable.

This hatred in my mind – there was never given SPACE for it. It was pressured together into a little stone hard ball, it could not even breathe in there. No wonder its rage was explosive.

I forgive all the ghosts that I have fed with resistance and judgments. I forgive all the parents in all incarnations I have had who never have dared to look at this inside themselves. I can now clearly see the same God essence in all – and how by our false perception we pervert it and make it into hate.  Help me realize how important it is to SEE and acknowledge this original hate and give it space to BE and to be seen.

I let go of the thought that I have been unjustly treated – that I am evil – that there is something wrong about me –

I remember our cat, Cleo – she had been rejected by her mother, so we got her when she was only three weeks old. She walked the top of the sofa behind us and hissed and growled, and I understood that she mirrored something in me. Oh yes. Now, 30 years later, I can see the depth of that hidden rage – never been allowed to be a child (or kitten )– with  a stable and safe-feeling mother.

I choose to allow Love to FLOW into all of this. I forgive all the roles I have played. I breathe the breath of Christ into all of it. May Grace take over.

*

After this I have a dream about a horse – free, wild, running just to run free and wild – it is its nature – its horsepower.  My breath is deep and free as I see my inner horsepower free. This is what we access when we have walked through our guarded rooms to the jewel inside.

Then I was given a wild dog called Tycho. That is Greek and means good luck – and hitting the mark. It also means having a good backbone

Next day and night the itching is back – and this time it is about shame. All the ways I have been taught to call myself shameful for acts or thoughts I have taken over from others. How beautiful to now be able to be the welcome and embrace of all those thoughts and energies, and finding the God- essence inside all of them.

Without the “me” and “mine” attached to them, it is just neutral energy, calling for love.

 

 

Corrupted files

A couple of days ago, I had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of being taken over by an alien force. It felt like “I” was sucked out – and instead, this other energy took me over, filled me to the brim, seeped in to all my cells, just took me over.

Since I am committed to going the distance, I knew that this was something that would bring me closer to Love – it happened for me, not to me. I went to bed  early and asked for dreams to illuminate what was going on.

It came at 3am:

I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a big room with hundreds of others. At my head sat a man with a foul expression, and suddenly he pushed his fingers hard into the space below my collarbone – in Chinese medicine, K 27. I grabbed his left hand and just bit through his finger – there was no blood in that finger, and no pain response from the man.

I woke up and realized that this was not a man, it was an energy frequency of base and vile attack. It had a double meaning: the feeling of corruption and toxicity was strong – an energy of male disgust and disrespect for women – but  there was nothing sexual about it. So, very confusing. I asked my Self for insight, and heard that this was a taste of the main attack-and abuse-archetype I describe in my book  “When Fear Comes Home to Love”– “Fuckeat.” This was part of that frequency – and the question came, was I willing to love it?

Not in a million years! I muttered, and intuitively knew that, YES – I had signed up for this when I agreed to work with the archetypes of violence and abuse when I started up my therapy practice.

So now was the question – HOW could I bring Love to it?

It so happened that Carrie Triffet recently had given us in a course an exercise called breathing-with-Christ – allowing the Christ to enter our lungs and then breathing that love breath into and through everything we encountered.

It worked – slowly, but it worked. AND there was something within that “corrupted file” / demonic contempt/ that  S L O W L Y  released its dark form.

I can do this, and I will. Day by day, loving that corrupted field in the soul right into its sacred center. Carrie teaches – and I fully agree – that God is either inside everything or It is non-existing. So in the middle of any darkness, there is essential eternal Light – and we ARE this Light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOCUS

The process is calling LOUD out that I FOCUS on what I will do. This obviously has to do with healing my addiction to confusion as an excellent separation-gig.

So today I chose to look into the mail for a message I was waiting for – and it was not there – so I automatically and thoughtlessly logged into an author forum –  and soon felt very stressed. STILL, I stayed there and played for a while.

Then I logged off -and after some minutes I noticed that the radio automatic had changed from Swedish Classical Music to Norway p 1.(Main channel.)

My energy had switched from the higher frequency of classical music to the”main channel” which I from now on see as the ego-channel 😊

Another beautiful teaching yesterday: lately, ZOOM has steadfastly alleged that I my identity is not VALID. After having struggled with that for 2 days, I went to the Zoom on my desktop and opened it as “administrator.” I stated out loud: I know my identify as the Holy Child of God – and still I have to use the ID numbers you (Zoom) has given me.

Then it accepted the numbers and let me in.

And because I did NOT focus when I pasted this post from Word – the whole doc came out with a line all through all lines. – I saw that I had NOT focused when I logged on – and instead of focusing, I just nodded OK ( but did not TAKE TIME) and the line-through went right through Holy Child of God.

Oh hilarious! And the most beautiful is that I do not feel any guilt for it – just giggles

***************

And now to something really important ( if you are still here?)

I invite you to take a peek into When Fear Comes Home to Love – look into the reviews and you will see what it is about. If you have been attracted to this blog, it will be for you.

And so will the two other books of course.

 

Blessing the opposite

As many of us, I have hidden influences from this incarnation or before that – many of them inherited from ancestors, as newer science will tell you. Some of you will recognize a tendency to sabotage yourself: – this pattern may be such a gestalt/entity, and it may be a way you have told yourself you are not worthy unless you do x and x,a way you try to fix yourself and perform as a way to earn value.

Which is of course futile – our value is intrinsic.

When such a part of our Self has had time to develop throughout several incarnations – and we always have succeeded in repressing it – it has become very powerful and strong and will exert a strong influence on us – often being mirrored back to us from the outside: in my case, editors delivering LOTS of errors and complaining that it never has happened before. Or stuff getting lost in the mail –  or the PC constantly telling you ” this does not work” ( and then it works)

So I have a possible solution for this, my friends and readers: blessings.

Blessings have that immediate effect that it melts and softens any contracted energy inside or from others. If a person annoys you, burst into blessing – and bless him/her in the opposite of what they are expressing. If they are grumpy, bless them in their kindness, their patience, their compassion. If they are fearful, bless them in their groundedness, their connection to their Self/any spiritual being that comes to mind – bless them in their memory of being a child of Love/God – bless them in their ability to receive deep motherly/fatherly love, comfort, security etc.

You will feel very good after this – since when we bless, we receive the same as we gives.

Don’t tell people you bless them 🙂 just go at it and you will see a difference.

 

 

True Value

Readers who has been around for some time will know that I live after the  word of wisdom by Hermes Trismegistus: As above, so below – as outside so inside – i.e.what goes on on the outside ( called “life” :)) mirrors something on my inside.

So I lost my Visa card. Instant terror! What did I automatically tell myself: I am alone. I will be tricked and abused and tricked some more. I must have done something wrong. Oi vey is mir!

Seeing that these are all old beliefs in victimhood, I place myself with a red shawl in a cosy sofa and investigated what went on on automatic. And what was this fear REALLY about – what might a Visa card symbolize?

For me, treasure – money – well, VALUE is a better word.

And I realized it symbolized  the mind’s old fear of losing God’s love – the fear at the moment of separation, that A Course in Miracle names ” the Tiny Mad Idea.”

So I sat there and God was giggling inside me at that truly mas idea that S/He could be lost – as S/He is my innermost essence that I share with EVERYONE.

******

I have written a Novel – you see it in the right menu: Hilaryon Stories. That book started as a hint from Holy Spirit – to write a novel where the feud between Pharaoh and Moses would be in-woven – albeit not as those two as characters. So I did – through 6 years I followed my Muse who sent me inspiration for 32 chapters that came randomly, not in succession. I had to trust completely that it would all come together harmoniously in the end, and it did.

You are very welcome to click on the book and read more – the first reader ( not family 🙂 told me that her energy changed while reading it – from depression to joy.

Being with it

I was having a dream with much awkward nakedness and acts and not pleasurable feelings- yiiikes – and woke up and told myself it comes to be released. So I breathed and was with it – and after 3-4 minutes the Light came.

Then I fell asleep again and had this short vision: a vase with beautiful fresh wildflowers stands on the floor in the living room. I say out loud: Who came with this? and a short and stout man with dark boots and little wings on the boots floats down to me and says ” they came from God.” He looks like a plumber – but it is Hermes the messenger of course plumbing his way through my nervous system/energybody and saluting me for at last BEING with all in gratitude.

No more having to find out “where it came from.” Just breathing and being there, curious.

Oh what a wonderful spiritual practice I have! How trustworthy!

Have a great day, all

How Hilaryon Stories happened

About 11 years ago I participated in a writer group on a Harper Collins digital platform for budding authors, called Authonomy. We wrote Flash Fiction ( max 1000 words)each week, and voted for the one we liked best.

As soon as I wrote  what is now the first chapter in Hilaryon Stories, I felt deeply hooked into the material. A door had opened, there was playfulness and freedom and JOY inside, and my voice was intimately joined with the text.

Later I wrote more chapters from Hilaryon, and recognized that I would write a novel.

I was deeply in love with my main character, Croc, who turned out to be a reincarnation of the old Egyptian Master Imhotep – physician, architect and spiritual master.

I ended what is now the first part of the book 4 years ago.  I missed the characters very much – and after 2 years I could not stand it, and asked Spirit, “what would be a great theme for part 2?” “Would you consider to explore the energies of the Old Testament  – ha, the word correction gnome wrote the old Statesman! 🙂 the feud of power and hatred between Ramses and Moses? and that old version of God, of course –

YES, I would like to do that – I wanted to find out how  that God could accept murdered babies as a way to prove his power over Ramses. The idea was to just write and TRUST that the chapters somehow would work all of this out. And the Part Two opened with Johan Sebastian Bach ( who entered the book in the middle of Part One) being thrown out in the cold by his third wife.

When I had said a clear YES, magic  and synchronicities started to happen – which made me sure I was on the right track.

 

If you click on the book in the right menu, you may find out if this is for you. No way Spirit has planned this for me, Leelah, alone 🙂

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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