Going Deep

 

Working on Skype with a dear friend – Kit – there came up a little girl who had hid herself under tons of defenses. Deep deep deep down. It is a beautiful experience to witness and be with such an occurrence in the other – we sense how vital they have been for our mental survival – how s/he has constructed a brilliant structure of coping mechanisms to orient herself in the world.

When this one gets space, it opens a new world of freed energy.

I recently had such an inner child witnessed and respected and loved – and today I could do that for Kit. I felt the new depth we both had “excavated” and freed up – and the Coronavirus came to my attention: a teacher I follow in energy medicine, Prune Harris

has recently got the virus, and recovered with the  energy medicine exercises she teaches – and she mentioned that she felt the depth of the virus inside her energysystem. With Kit today, I know we went down into THAT depth – and all it took was our willingness to BE with – BREATHE  give space and love and allowance to.

No more fixing, no more wanting to heal: Allowing healing to happen, by being with it and witnessing it.

********************

If you should want an experience like this:

I offer this experimental process if you are interested. It is a healing process of finding and helping you be with these parts of you –  in love. We will meet on Skype. I don’t use video:)

If interested, let me know

 

Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

Lonely Girl in the Heart

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About eating problems and sexual abuse

This is about some foods and sexual abuse.
*
I love ecological yogurt with granola from quinoa – but until now, I have felt tremendously tired after eating it. I see it like this: some part of my self is terrified – for whatever reason – and use a lot of energy to repress what she feels while eating it. I asked what it could be? Answer: Semen.
Of course! This very small inner girl has told herself 1) that yogurt has a kind of texture like semen has -and having been a receiver of intense sexual abuse as very small, semen meant being part of a torture that also made it very hard to breathe – meaning life-threatening trauma. 2) And then she did what we all did when traumatized in any way at all: we told stories about ourselves, what it meant about us – how despicable we must be, how absolutely wrong in any ways and form.
So for this inner girl, yogurt has meant “semen” and all the horror connected to that – and she has believed in the stories she made up about her despicable self – and she has repressed it as hard as she can while I eat.
Now – the later years, all kind of digital signals have come to my aid to assist me in awakening. Today, it was the fire-alarm in the kitchen that started up and made me think, “What is this inner alarm mirroring, that goes on full alert now, as I am preparing my breakfast?”
So I asked and immediately heard “semen.”
I talked to her with all my love and motherliness – how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and told her very clearly that yogurt is OK and healthy – and that she will never taste semen again.
Never.
After quite a while I could sense a deep relaxation in my intestines. I asked her if she was up for a try? And that I would stop eat it the second she wanted.
Then I ate a healthy bowl with the yummy stuff.
And for the first time, I felt no tiredness after my yogurt meal. I felt an ice cold instead – and  I see that as frozen life-energy. I sat with it for about 45 minutes, and now it slowly seeps out.
This old imprint – “inner child” may also be the one who craves sweets and sugar. NO WONDER 🙂  she needs a lot of loving motherly talk and listening – with no judgment ever. And since she now receives that motherly sweetness – she just MAY let go of any cravings – we will see 🙂
PS. If this has meaning for you in a helpful way – you may benefit from looking into my books in the right menu.

The Final Bite

Dream: Something goes on between my daughter and me, and I feel a hatred and a RAGE that is larger than the world. In the dream, there is something she prevents me me do or express, and I sense I will implode from it. I bend and bite her in her hip- and as I see it now, I bite right into her very skeleton – her bone-structure.

Awake, I know that M is just a projection of my own anger at my parents – that I internalized – and that this judged and repressed energy went right into my bone structure and may well be the innermost cause of  “my” Osteoporosis,

This came after the second time I have done the bladder/kidney/water-poses in Donna Eden and Lauren Walker’s online course *** The first time my body screamed with pain, but  I  am determined to do this in a non-harmful way. The second time it went much better – I must do it in the morning and not evening, I notice, the body is not so sluggish then.

I talked with the Leelah –part who received all that anger and hatred and acknowledged that it would have been dangerous to express it when small- and I admitted that she/ my child self/ had received that bite. For a long time I was WITH her, embracing her, letting her express and rant. I truly SAW the power of denied and judged emotions, and the huge work the Triple Warmer does do keep us “safe.”

I have worked since 1988 in my private practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist ( background as an artist), and my patients have all had the same intensely forbidden and repressed anger. It has been a gradual unraveling through 31 years to get to the point of clarity this late night.

Now there is still work to be done – owning the energy instead of the old habit of pushing it back, allowing it to move with the structures given me in this course. The great healing is, that NOW the judgment of it has gone – not me or mine anymore, just neutral energy that can be given outlets and being played with and expressed the way I love to do.

Thank you Donna and Lauren from all my heart. Thank myself for hanging in there for all these years, vowing to heal myself this life, thank you to all my patients to also hung in there for years until our common patterns were lovingly given space and form – in storytelling, movement, dance, music, painting and drawing. Through it all, Love was present and showed us that we could trust the process, and that play and forgiveness was the main ingredients in our journeys.

After having worked in my practice for 4 years, I started to see a common thread in all my patients – and I found 10 archetypes of fear. I started to explore the very essence of them, and found out what healed our relationship to these fear-and-violence-forces in us all – and finding what healed them. After 25 years worked, I wrote two books about our work – one of the gradual process of working through the darkest forces, giving them space ( yoga was always a modality that I loved) and one very playful one which uses creativity and play – and LOVE –  to deal with crises and transform them into possibilities.

The two books are placed in the right menu. My Amazon pages has many reviews  for you to read if you are interested in what others found helpful.

***If interested in the Course, google “EnergyMedicineYoga with Donna Eden and Lauren Walker” and you will find links and videos.

 

 

About cancer and other terminal diseases – and healing

In  some of spirituality’s many labyrinths,  we find the these teachings:” If you practice correctly, you will not be sick/ ill – and you will  heal the illness.”

I just wrote this to a friend and teacher – who recently wrote this in her blog:

“If to love oneself is to heal oneself, those who are sick do not love themselves.” – A Course in Miracles.”

First – I think this may be a quote that misses important clarification after the point.

With respect, there are many loving teachers and masters who had cancer and died from it – and I believe they loved themselves – don’t you?
I think I remember that you wrote earlier about exactly this –that reading this for anyone who has cancer or any chronic disease, will feel like a judgment: “you are not practicing the Course “correctly.” Or “enough.” Which are not loving thoughts – are they? There is a harshness in that.

I see friends with cancer – like f.ex. Diederik Wolsak, Ondrea Levin and Pema Deane who share how living with terminal disease has demonstrated for the world a love that is encompassing the illness – and that this illness has truly softened them and melted away any old resistance to Love in their soul. I see how a well known and beloved artist in Norway now uses the cancer to allow every severe treatment the doctors give her, to share openly in our main paper each week the love and wisdom that IS her, while going through this ordeal. Thousands on Facebook – users praise her for showing them the Love that can live through this ordeal.

She had before the illness the cutest face. Now it is transformed by Cortisone. She posts the new face in the paper and on Facebook. Now that is courage and love!

I cruelly judged myself when I got cancer, just because of isolated quotes like  this. What I did was the following two things: 1) I found the little tortured child within the space in the breast that had the cancer cells and listened to her fully, giving her all my love. 2) I asked Archangel Michael’s power to go through the radiation machine, and from that moment the skin and breast were not damaged from the rays.

What I did was seeing the illness not as something I had done/practiced “wrong,” but something that gave me a possibility to see differently – as something that brought MORE Love forth in me.

It truly stripped away so much of what I had thought was essential, and identified as “me.”
Without it I would not believe FULLY that I am supported and served by Jeshua, angels and masters.

I know that if I had judged myself for the cancer I would have died there and then.

With so much love
 Leelah

The Center of the Cyclone

I am frequently exploring levels of insanity. For the most, it comes in the night waking me up, some inner part is frantic with fear. I go to the Inner Garden where I meet my inner child/children, for now there is a 15-year old who seems to carry the most of it. This night, as I spoke to her and she gradually became more at ease, I was led to a memory when I was 5. That was the same year that I got scarlet fever and deeply wanted to “get outta here.”

In this memory I was sanding outside the church nearby, where I used to play alone. There was a pond there with frogs, puff-ball and several trees, I felt safe. This day, though, a wild wind was whipping, it grew to tremendous proportions, and suddenly I experienced that I was lifted from the ground and placed safely inside the still center of it. I saw myself hover over the ground, leaves whipping in circles around me, and I could not be touched.

Completely utterly safe HERE at this silent center.

Then: the parson was running out from his house 20 meters away, swooped me up in his arms and into his house.

I knew this man well – he was the father of my best friend.

Again I felt perfectly safe

*

So now, as I spent time with my inner 15-year-old, I let her know that I held her, it was safe to experience the “insanity” as pure energy, SHE WAS HELD AND SAFE. I saw her becoming all black – stiff – ice-cold – then shaking wildly in the same way that the wind had shaken me at that time. As the adult me, I realized that the wind may have been INSIDE her, and that she by Grace had discovered the silent center of that insanity-cyclone and rested there.

So now I just witnessed her and “held” her with my Love until she finished shaking. I saw her change from pitch black to normal skin color, and then she shared and expressed what she needed to – mostly she needed to hear that she had a reason to have felt this way – and that SHE was not insane – the insanity was the very ground her family was driven from.

As that old judgment fell, she started to come back to her self. We  agreed that next time the energy approached, she could CHOOSE to place herself in the calm center of the insanity-cyclone.

Now the same thing happened as a couple of days ago – deep peace grew forth, shining Light permeated the sick energy

-all because of our willingness to be with the energy, to allow it – and  being HELD and LOVED while it lasted.

Forgiveness-exercise

This is from chapter “Snake” in When fear Comes Home to Love.”

Forgiveness – exercise

1) Visualize yourself as a child, and ask your inner Guide to lead you to a situation where you sensed your parents’ fear and chaos in the air, and your body instantly reacted to that and identified with it. Try to find the moment where you internalized the craziness, and made it your fault that your parents behaved crazy and scary.

Now JUST LET IT BE THERE IN THE BODY. Breathe kindly around the sensations, if there are voices just let go of them, you are resting in God this very moment when you say yes to what is there in your mind and nervous system. There is nothing more to do – just rest with whatever presents itself.

Another variation: If you are one of many who need a bit of help to release stuck energies from hidden pockets in the energy-system, I suggest you go to an EFT-site and download a free manual of the method. When you tap with your fingers on certain points in the meridian-system, while at the same time as you hold the pain or memory in your awareness, the most surprising releases may happen. It is very easy to learn the method – but may take time to truly master it. The Course reminds us that forgiveness is just looking, without judgment -and this is what you do: the tapping just removes the unnecessary charge of pain from the nervous system, while you look at the content with the Holy Spirit.”

*

 

TRUST

About a week ago, a neighbor living across my house told me that our newly rehabilitated roof had a lot of water on it. A LOT. The new drains were obviously clogged. Another neighbor climbed up and had to dismantle the drain-filter, and removed what looked like a bunch of leaves  – and I went bananas. I went right into the old pattern of disaster, and will spare you all the scenarios that I made that “proved” to me that the situation was lethal.

I mailed the leader of the building firm with a complaint. No answer. I called, he told me he would look into it. Another neighbor delivered a complaint too.

Next day another yet another neighbor told me that he had seen the photo of the clog – and it was in fact not leaves, but “noses” from Maplewood.

When I was a child, we used to attach these seed to our noses.

Maple Seed

*

This was a symbol; somebody was thumbing their nose at me. Hm. That sounded like Blue – or Life. Or “my” process. That meant that this possible yearly clogging was season-conditioned, just a week or so.

The firm leader mailed us back and told us we had no case.

“TRUST”I heard,  but I was back in convincing disaster mode – lost in spinning scenarios about how to “stand up to him, find a lawyer to have my “right” and all that fuss. I knew I was caught, but could not seem to free myself.

Another neighbor mailed him “ how irresponsible!”

I sensed I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to win any longer.  I didn’t want to act out of that separated state of mind.And I prayed for help to see the situation  – and his behaviour -differently…

Then I saw this photo by Ruby Julian on Facebook:

RUBY13235587_634765590014109_2288927018561585728_o - Kopi

I was instantly transported into bliss. This is a Tortoise, perched on a rock, stretching its head toward the sky – and for me, the atmosphere in the image is one of melting in to Oneness. Gravity seems to be suspended –  the animal balances between heaven and earth, and its reflection is crystal clear in the clear water.

In the shower ( where so many wonder-shifts happen) I KNEW: I do not want to see the leader like  an antagonist. I knew he answered as he had because of something that had happened to him that made him stressed – and that this was not his true self.

I remembered how kind and patient he had been all the times I called him – and how he always had fixed things I did not like, fixed it so it was even better that before. I knew  by his voice and manner that he loved his work – and this love and respect was reflected in his workers, who were like him – courteous, kind, excellent workers enjoying themselves.

So I wrote him a mail, describing how I had experienced him – knowing that what he wanted, was that all of us were pleased and content with the result. Himself included.

And sending it, I KNEW that all is well, whatever seem to happen.

No disaster mode.

I had a  Skype sharing with Kit right after this, and found the terrified inner child who thought it was safe to be scared – it was a protection against being shocked, by being prepared of the worst. Kit listened while I talked to the child -“ I love you so much, I so understand why you think it is safe to expect the worst. You don’t need to be afraid any more – but it’s OK, if you choose it.”

Big release: how wonderful it was to hear that being scared was a choice – and that there was no judgment about it.

Our Skype session ended. In the last seconds, Kit exclaims, “Right now outside my window is a waterfall of noses – they spin to the ground! And there is a man with a high-pressure hose!”

TRUST

I can TRUST the process

I CAN TRUST the process. There may be dreadful energies/feelings in-between – but I will always find back to the state of utter surrender that the Tortoise expresses.

And the automatic judgment of those scared feelings and that disaster-prone child has gone

 

 

 

 

 

The loving Heart

I have great respect for the work I have done the last 26 years in this life – and the strength in the archetypes that I have written about in “When fear comes home to Love” ( you may click on book in right menu to find out more.) The most common complaint this Leelah has, is this: “Whatever I do and experience of healing and realizations obviously are not enough to remove this all-powerful energy field, manifesting as huge pains everywhere and depression. And let’s not forget hatred and hopelessness and desperation. HOPELESS.”

Still, I have trotted along – most frequently remembering to trust the process.

The – shall I call it “madness”? returned with full power this morning. I sat down with it, asked for help, and suddenly the voices of Love were all there was.

“You know what this is: it is the old Leelah-child-identity. What hurts so much is your belief that you you ARE it – still. And the only way for you to give up this belief is for you to allow her to express whatever she wants – in your voice, out loud:) and just listen. Repeat back when needed. The more you experience that you ARE the big heart that holds is all, it will be impossible for the old energy-identity to claim that it is you.

Your one and only problem is your belief that you think you ARE this agony when you feel this agony. You know this too – right?

And each time you wake up – or lay sleepless the whole night – with these agony fields – is a shining possibility to turn TO it and thus claim your divine identity as Christ.

The Christ in you (all) has already healed everything. We remind you of that, again and again: you but see what has already happened. Be aware of this when your inner girl’s agony screams out to be heard: allow the feelings to rise – and now, safely anchored in the Christ consciousness that is your birthright. All It does, is to bless – and not judge. If you hear judgments, that is the little girl too – forgive them all, remember you are listening to an old tape from human consciousness that is healed the moment you listen without judgment.”

I went downstairs and opened my journal. This sketch lay on the page I opened. It is just a blob of colors on a paper-palette – and I noticed that I had made a figure and a story of out that blog years ago.

Here is “The Loving Heart” – or angel – holding the red bleeding wound/child/ close to the one Heart that we all share.

And more than anything, this is a God-sent sign that I CAN – and CHOOSE to – trust the process. When pain and depression comes,  my job is to turn toward it and love it: knowing I AM that LOVE.

blog

 

Open letter

Dear Mickey

You and I have very similar patterns of hurt from childhood. The drama going on on the Real Life – thread on Writers’ Forum is mirroring the constant agony going on in the mind of anyone having been abused and betrayed. Following the thread a little while – and also having read many of your posts on different Forums – has brought this old agony to the surface in my mind. Which is a blessing, really – now it can be dealt with and brought to Love.

As long as I did not do that, but identified with the hurt child and the drama of innocent and guilty at the Real Life thread, I became ill – just as the starter of the thread. This lasted until this night, when I prayed deeply for help.

I heard: What would Love have done?

So I got out of bed – 3 am -and listened to Love and wrote it down. Slept on it,and asked for a sign to post it or not.My yogi teabag for breakfast read: “Don’t let anyone fall.”

 

What would Love have done?

Love would recognize primal fear and paranoia and embrace it. Just sitting with it, letting it be, noticing the stories but not getting caught in them.

As long as one positions oneself as one of the seemingly  separate players in that old guilt-slinging game of attack and defense     = war  – one is in the  conditioned mind, ruled by fear, and is unavailable to the Love that is always here. It is always here because it is our very nature.

Dear Mickey. Your comment to my book was written from this clarity and Love. I felt blessed reading it. I then read your blog and recognized the wisdom it was written with. But you have also – as have we all  – this hurt, unhealed, agonized inner child. And when you express yourself FROM this role, he calls on this agonized child in all the others.

These children can not agree on anything. But Love can embrace all of them. They can not be aware of Love’s Presence as long as they identify with the hurtful victim-role. The ego’s favorite game is” who is right and who is wrong – who is innocent and who is guilty and attacker.” And when we do play that age old trance- game and look at each other as separate players, – these hells  of fear and guilt-slinging open and suck us in. When push comes to shove, this atmosphere feels so familiar. It is. We grew up in it.

When we are willing to rise about that level, and ask for help, we see only terrified children trying to believe that they are have done nothing wrong, are not guilty. But deep down the children DO believe they are guilty – they have been told so by their abusers.

Dear Mickey. You have done nothing wrong. And the ones who reacted to your post have their right to react just as crazy and scared as they do. The conditioned mind, which thinks it is separate from Love, jumps at any invitation to play its favorite mind of “me” and “them.” Guilty or innocent. Right or wrong. There is an immense powerful addictive quality for the abused ones in that game:  the inner child identifies these feelings as its HOME. Nothing feeds the ego thought system as playing this game.

But the ego is nothing else than a thought of separation. When we are drawn into its thought system of fear and projection, we enter the world of war. In war there are clear separate parts: they each defend their belief that they need to win to have space and peace. When Love looks at war, It sees confused mind fighting itself. It also sees that the possibility exists that one sees “the enemy” as a construct – and instead recognizes a brother in pain, who is only crying out for love.

 

You have in so many threads at Writers’ Forum shown yourself as a true master. You have also shown the terrified guilt ridden little boy who screams to all of us: I am innocent.

We are all innocent. Fear takes hold of us and we act out of old patterns of intense terror .And then we really cannot see and know each other. The only thing that is happening is a bunch of shit-scared children who cannot see the truth in each other because they are caught in their old stories, and seeing through distorted filters they established when they were small.

The filters are still in action as long as we have not integrated our childhood pain. The filters were placed there by adults who themselves had been demonstrated these filters and brought them on to their children. They all do the best they can, with the cards they have been dealt. See this, and be free.

There are only two forces here: Love and fear. Love must be actively chosen. When we do, we can take the position as Love – or Presence – which embraces all that agony, just by lovingly being with it.

That’s the only way out of the nightmare.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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