The Inner Child

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

This is the litany of the small inner child – a child who thinks she is without a helping loving God, for sure. She is ugly and bad and guilty, and she MUST be – since all these bad things happen to her –

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

These days, my TV refuses to let me play with setting it up and choosing stuff from the menu. It freezes. Just like the little girl’s mind froze up under the yearlong attacks, that she so cleverly managed to push down to the dark basement. The first line in this post – if you say it out loud yourself, what do you feel in the body? I feel blocked out from everything that is GOOD and holy, and this “I” feels that she deserves punishment, and that she pays off her guilt to her Father. Her carnal father behaves like a devil sometimes – a Mr.Hyde – and she always justifies it within, in order to adapt to the situation and not be destroyed.

My TV mirrors this to me now– it freezes and won’t let me choose the programs that make me happy – and it won’t let me find a way to TEXT, so I can follow the great series about the Swedish Nobel Price Winner Selma Lagerløf  that I have saved. I need the undertexts – since I don’t hear very well.

The under-texts would symbolize “watching WITH God/Love” – a watching that makes her understand the foreign language. And a teaching from A Course in Miracles.

Her bad hearing is certainly such a symbolization too.

My Holy Self is showing this to me – so I can truly SEE and experience the consequences of the child’s beliefs: a deep belief that she IS a victim that God hates and wants to punish.

And in my life, where everything “outside” mirrors my mind – what an excellent symbol the TV is

Sitting with these thoughts and their energy is the solution. The energy is the inner child.

May this be of help to those who needs it

And may that little child get a space in our heart so she can grow up safely. The belief she repeats incessantly and subconsciously is

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

From Unsplash

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

Writing it down again – and again – allowing it to be in the open –

allowing myself to feel stupid

allowing

not judging

Candida as Judge and Jailor

And then it is so – that when we vow to something good, all that is between us and that, will come up to be discovered and forgiven.

Lately, eating and digestion has become almost impossible- instant raging Candida-response. I asked my guides for a dream to clarify, and it came:

I was in a dentist’s office to make an appointment. (Teeth are for me symbols of beliefs.) There was a nurse there, and three other people who wanted appointments too. Gradually the atmosphere changed into viciousness – I got a stern message to wait- and I waited and waited.

The dream then expanded in a Kafkaesque manner – I had acted wrongly and had no idea what I had done – and they all insisted that I knew perfectly well what I had done and continued to shame me. I now was completely at their mercy. I had done something wrong and could not for my bare life see what my sin was.

I woke up and remembered that this has been a pattern for me in many workshops – the first day the leaders were sweet – and the next, their manner changed into a kind of contempt and “you know perfectly well what you do.” It freaked me out and nobody ever told me what I “did.”

When I woke up, I understood that this is a dream which presents an energy I still have not forgiven. A gift indeed! I ask, “where have I subjected myself to this kind of contempt before?” There are strong pains and tensions around my lower abdomen and vagina – and I remember my father and other men’s energy during abuse – their contempt oozing at the women they abused.

I asked myself, “where have I abused myself with self-contempt?” oh yes – I have for years and years automatically and unconsciously heaped abuse on my sexual organs – since they obviously deserved punishment like this,frequently, and from many. For of course they had to have a reason for their attacks – and I must be deserving it in some way.

So here the self hatred started – my own attack at my sacred feminine parts.

Now I believe that the Candida came as a stern reminder – you do NOT deserve comfort in the shape of desserts and sweets – since your very identity is something horrible and weird and wrong.

This is the gift of the dream – to truly SEE the impact my own old hatred has had on my organs. And on my very sacred Feminine Divinity. I CHOSE it – and I will forgive the choice and choose again

So – everything I “take in” – digest – is influenced, imprinted with hatred – and the premise that hating is just and GOOD, even – “this is a way this human atones for her sins –”

Sigh

What a blessing to SEE this mechanism – on a yet deeper level than before. I am sweating writing it down.

I will now ask the Divine to enter my breath – and I will sit and HOLD IT ALL while breathing Love into it and through it, and the rest is up to the Holy.

*******

Next day I invited the Divine to eat with me each bite I took. I breathed for each bite, I visualized the organs and the candida-place relaxed and forgiven, I talked to the organs , full package :). The Candida eased down quite a bit. Then I had a fear response that originated in the area around the vagina again – and “saw” a little scared girl who was afraid of a male figure. I had the day before read an exercize that Jeshua suggests in Way of Transformation – a way of visualizing the feared figure and placing Light around them in a certain manner. I found myself adapt the exercize to a little girl’s world, in a cartoon-like manner, and it worked wonderfully – I knew I was working with an archetype ( Child) and not “me.”) The moment I KNEW that, a former clinging to the “me”-identity dropped off, and I understood the vast treasure of working with archetypes the way I have done this life. No more regret and shoulds! 🙂

All you need is Love

Through the Ice

My friend and dyad partner Kit and I have done this kind of sharing each fortnight for well over 15 years I think. And this day there was  BIG SHIFT in Kit’s energy – and thank God I allowed it to affect me strongly.

Last time we talked, she mentioned a clash in her family – and I immediately went into my usual way of reacting: this is a catastrophe – and here is how she can fix it. And by the way, I KNOW I am right here.

So when we connected today, I had all the answers and advises ready for her – except that she did not ask for any. So instead I listened to her say, “I will HAVE my life!” If she felt something “bad” happening, she had decided to just BE with it – not fix it in any way. I could hear the phenomenal strength and truth in her soul, but it took quite a while for my old psychology/ therapist-trained mind to listen.

It gradually dawned on me how firmly I was anchored in the catastrophe-mode -and that I responded to what happened FROM that state of mind my life had trained me to do. “X/ the father / must have help to see what he has done WRONG, or a  child will be critically ill.”

These thoughts, I now recognized, came from literally being DRIVEN by my own catastrophe-child- and SEEING that, clearly removed a veil in front of my eyes. I have given her tremendous attention and power -and I noticed that this was not helpful at all – in fact, it strengthened her helplessness.

Kit described how her son had tried to manipulate her, and how angry he got when it did not make a change – and she just shared with him what she saw happening without no blame at all.

And all the way through her sharing, I “saw” my INNER child-in-the hole-in-the-ice looking up, astonished at the change in energy between us- but not afraid at all – relieved. I saw that I had allowed myself to be “manipulated” by her constant disaster-mode – but what she really needed was for me to NOT be dragged into the bad vibes, but just being WITH her, not in any way supporting her in the belief that she was doomed to stay there.

All of this happened WHILE I was listening to Kit sharing – cause if there is anybody I trust completely, it is Kit.

When it was my turn to share. I described meticulously my planned recipe for their survival – and I sensed an age-old energy mode starting to dissolve, stretching, loosening up.  It was THIS that my inner child picked up on.

I recognized that my “old” way of perceiving the family’s healing had worked for at least 50 years – it was the formula where everybody get to say what they need and know themselves to be heard. Nothing wrong with that for sure! But that formula is still based on FIXING what happens to us – telling ourselves that the Universe has made an error. NOW – it felt like being restructured cellularly – being  lifted to a higher rung of an ascending spiral. Here, the value lay in allowing oneself to feel whatever came up, with no fixing at all – and with tremendous acceptance of where the others were – and the support for everyone’s positions. Kit described that even though no-one of them had “spoken it out”, everybody else fell into new positive patterns as long as she felt safe and joyful in her new balance. There were some faint attempts to manipulate the mother, they feel flat on the floor.

And because now there were no fixing-attempts, the whole family-dynamism moved into new places where the children together managed to shovel a huge amount of snow in front of their hut and there were no tensions.

Here I am sitting now, welcoming the insight that I am not the pawn or victim of early horrors – I have truly gone through them and mapped a bonafide path for my readers– as When Fear Comes Home to Love attests to. It is time to stop allowing myself to be driven by this child.The more I attest to her being in horrendous pain, the more I strengthen that needy image of her, that role inside me. The more I believe in her constant horror, I strengthen it and co-create it.

What has been the perks in keeping her that long in the ice?

Oh – there are lots of perks of being the poor me. I got away with lots of crazy behaviour and extra portions of chocolate ice cream, since my mother felt unconscious guilt for something she dared not see.

I can buy my own chocolate ice cream now 😊

 

Mama Bear

This is my Mama Bear that I painted on my self made shaman drum 30 years ago

23. of December, Kathy wrote in a comment to “Dissociation:”

The child in the ice hole reminds me of the forgotten exiled ones. My husband ice fishes and I have seen holes like that a lot. I love that Teddy can be a surrogate for that one. Perhaps the bear will dream her into the knowing of the ONE LOVE. I have parts in the body that don’t know about this yet. They think they are alone and have to do it all alone. So it takes patience and compassion to work with everything and everyone that comes up.

This night, I asked my Mama Bear – who is a part of me too – to dream The Girl in the Ice out of the ice/dissociation and into my body – and asked her to give me a sign if she accepted. Immediately enormous muscle pains arose inside, I knew it meant that all the muscular tensions that I had established to “keep her away” now melted – and it hurt like frozen hands hurt when you thaw them.

Thank God I knew that this was a healing, so I breathed the best I could to assist it – and in just 15 minutes it abated.

THANK YOU KATHY

New Frequencies of Thoughts -New Species

Today, on my way home from our nearest town, it rained, I had three bags, face mask and was a bit tired  – and I realized, I am supremely satisfied and happy in that moment.  My face mask always feels very unpleasant – I feel a bit suffocated, and there is dampness inside. NOW the air inside felt – not only pleasant, but pleasurable. The air felt vigorous!! I realized that my overall frequency had increased.

This lasted for hours. Nothing had changed in my world, but everything was different. Everything was a joy to experience

At home, I had my bi-monthly dyad-session with my friend Kit. We have done this for more that fourteen years and we are very happy with what happens.

I have her permission to share this:

She told me that she for the first time had been hacked – and how unpleasant it felt. She allowed those feelings, breathing into them- and then she said, “What I really want is to offer the hacker my love.”

There was a huge shift in energy. We sat with that for a while, and she added “Everything is a portal. A possibility for transformation.” We shared times where we have been invaded – and how the process had taken years: we need first learn to take care of ourselves, setting borders etc – and gradually we come to see that everything/everybody we react to, mirrors some part of ourself that needs love and forgiveness. When we love that inner part, more than often the outer manifestation changes.We realized the level of healing we had obtained by “hanging in there” for so many years. And that most of the time, the latest year, had consisted of not knowing where a process wanted to go, and just follow with interested curiosity.

At the end of our time, a dog across her street started to yelp. That dog was chained outside a shop, and did not like to be left. -Each time this has happened, we have asked where we feel left – or “what does the dog complain of today?”and then we talk to the dog “inside” and love him/her, and always when we make that connection the dog stops yelping.

This time my association was to an old inner image of a child in a hole in the ice – having left all hope go. This time I found myself reassuring her that she WAS out of the ice – this was just a reminder of her earlier overall catastrophic mind. She realized it at once and I became wonderfully warm inside. Maybe just a few more times and she will be integrated.***

*** This inner child is part of an archetype that I explore with my students in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” You find it in the right menu, and can read reviews on the Amazon page if interested,

Kit suggested that we may have been trained by our process to have climate-friendly thoughts – and as she said this, I got an image of what I have read many places: there are NEW species “coming in”  – the scientists don’t know how – but new animals, new plants and new bugs arriving – and even some creatures popping up in a different continent than before. Maybe when a certain amount of people has raised the frequency of their thoughts – from fear and limitation to Love –  this may  be mirrored in new creations of life – new species.

If you google “new species” I think you will be surprised.

Here are a few examples: A marvelous new flowering plant from Mexico. Image © 2019 Jonathan Amith.

The newly described cat-eyed cardinalfish. Image © 2019 Mark Erdmann.

Going Deep

 

Working on Skype with a dear friend – Kit – there came up a little girl who had hid herself under tons of defenses. Deep deep deep down. It is a beautiful experience to witness and be with such an occurrence in the other – we sense how vital they have been for our mental survival – how s/he has constructed a brilliant structure of coping mechanisms to orient herself in the world.

When this one gets space, it opens a new world of freed energy.

I recently had such an inner child witnessed and respected and loved – and today I could do that for Kit. I felt the new depth we both had “excavated” and freed up – and the Coronavirus came to my attention: a teacher I follow in energy medicine, Prune Harris

has recently got the virus, and recovered with the  energy medicine exercises she teaches – and she mentioned that she felt the depth of the virus inside her energysystem. With Kit today, I know we went down into THAT depth – and all it took was our willingness to BE with – BREATHE  give space and love and allowance to.

No more fixing, no more wanting to heal: Allowing healing to happen, by being with it and witnessing it.

********************

If you should want an experience like this:

I offer this experimental process if you are interested. It is a healing process of finding and helping you be with these parts of you –  in love. We will meet on Skype. I don’t use video:)

If interested, let me know

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Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About eating problems and sexual abuse

This is about some foods and sexual abuse.

*

I love ecological yogurt with granola from quinoa – but until now, I have felt tremendously tired after eating it. I see it like this: some part of my self is terrified – for whatever reason – and use a lot of energy to repress what she feels while eating it. I asked what it could be? Answer: Semen.

Of course! This very small inner girl has told herself 1) that yogurt has a kind of texture like semen has -and having been a receiver of intense sexual abuse as very small, semen meant being part of a torture that also made it very hard to breathe – meaning life-threatening trauma. 2) And then she did what we all did when traumatized in any way at all: we told stories about ourselves, what it meant about us – how despicable we must be, how absolutely wrong in any ways and form.

So for this inner girl, yogurt has meant “semen” and all the horror connected to that – and she has believed in the stories she made up about her despicable self – and she has repressed it as hard as she can while I eat.

Now – the later years, all kind of digital signals have come to my aid to assist me in awakening. Today, it was the fire-alarm in the kitchen that started up and made me think, “What is this inner alarm mirroring, that goes on full alert now, as I am preparing my breakfast?”

So I asked and immediately heard “semen.”

I talked to her with all my love and motherliness – how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and told her very clearly that yogurt is OK and healthy – and that she will never taste semen again.

Never.

After quite a while I could sense a deep relaxation in my intestines. I asked her if she was up for a try? And that I would stop eat it the second she wanted.

Then I ate a healthy bowl with the yummy stuff.

And for the first time, I felt no tiredness after my yogurt meal. I felt an ice cold instead – and  I see that as frozen life-energy. I sat with it for about 45 minutes, and now it slowly seeps out.

This old imprint – “inner child” may also be the one who craves sweets and sugar. NO WONDER 🙂  she needs a lot of loving motherly talk and listening – with no judgment ever. And since she now receives that motherly sweetness – she just MAY let go of any cravings – we will see 🙂

PS. If this has meaning for you in a helpful way – you may benefit from looking into my books in the right menu.

The Final Bite

Dream: Something goes on between my daughter and me, and I feel a hatred and a RAGE that is larger than the world. In the dream, there is something she prevents me me do or express, and I sense I will implode from it. I bend and bite her in her hip- and as I see it now, I bite right into her very skeleton – her bone-structure.

Awake, I know that M is just a projection of my own anger at my parents – that I internalized – and that this judged and repressed energy went right into my bone structure and may well be the innermost cause of  “my” Osteoporosis,

This came after the second time I have done the bladder/kidney/water-poses in Donna Eden and Lauren Walker’s online course *** The first time my body screamed with pain, but  I  am determined to do this in a non-harmful way. The second time it went much better – I must do it in the morning and not evening, I notice, the body is not so sluggish then.

I talked with the Leelah –part who received all that anger and hatred and acknowledged that it would have been dangerous to express it when small- and I admitted that she/ my child self/ had received that bite. For a long time I was WITH her, embracing her, letting her express and rant. I truly SAW the power of denied and judged emotions, and the huge work the Triple Warmer does do keep us “safe.”

I have worked since 1988 in my private practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist ( background as an artist), and my patients have all had the same intensely forbidden and repressed anger. It has been a gradual unraveling through 31 years to get to the point of clarity this late night.

Now there is still work to be done – owning the energy instead of the old habit of pushing it back, allowing it to move with the structures given me in this course. The great healing is, that NOW the judgment of it has gone – not me or mine anymore, just neutral energy that can be given outlets and being played with and expressed the way I love to do.

Thank you Donna and Lauren from all my heart. Thank myself for hanging in there for all these years, vowing to heal myself this life, thank you to all my patients to also hung in there for years until our common patterns were lovingly given space and form – in storytelling, movement, dance, music, painting and drawing. Through it all, Love was present and showed us that we could trust the process, and that play and forgiveness was the main ingredients in our journeys.

After having worked in my practice for 4 years, I started to see a common thread in all my patients – and I found 10 archetypes of fear. I started to explore the very essence of them, and found out what healed our relationship to these fear-and-violence-forces in us all – and finding what healed them. After 25 years worked, I wrote two books about our work – one of the gradual process of working through the darkest forces, giving them space ( yoga was always a modality that I loved) and one very playful one which uses creativity and play – and LOVE –  to deal with crises and transform them into possibilities.

The two books are placed in the right menu. My Amazon pages has many reviews  for you to read if you are interested in what others found helpful.

***If interested in the Course, google “EnergyMedicineYoga with Donna Eden and Lauren Walker” and you will find links and videos.

 

 

About cancer and other terminal diseases – and healing

In  some of spirituality’s many labyrinths,  we find the these teachings:” If you practice correctly, you will not be sick/ ill – and you will  heal the illness.”

I just wrote this to a friend and teacher – who recently wrote this in her blog:

“If to love oneself is to heal oneself, those who are sick do not love themselves.” – A Course in Miracles.”

First – I think this may be a quote that misses important clarification after the point.

With respect, there are many loving teachers and masters who had cancer and died from it – and I believe they loved themselves – don’t you?
I think I remember that you wrote earlier about exactly this –that reading this for anyone who has cancer or any chronic disease, will feel like a judgment: “you are not practicing the Course “correctly.” Or “enough.” Which are not loving thoughts – are they? There is a harshness in that.

I see friends with cancer – like f.ex. Diederik Wolsak, Ondrea Levin and Pema Deane who share how living with terminal disease has demonstrated for the world a love that is encompassing the illness – and that this illness has truly softened them and melted away any old resistance to Love in their soul. I see how a well known and beloved artist in Norway now uses the cancer to allow every severe treatment the doctors give her, to share openly in our main paper each week the love and wisdom that IS her, while going through this ordeal. Thousands on Facebook – users praise her for showing them the Love that can live through this ordeal.

She had before the illness the cutest face. Now it is transformed by Cortisone. She posts the new face in the paper and on Facebook. Now that is courage and love!

I cruelly judged myself when I got cancer, just because of isolated quotes like  this. What I did was the following two things: 1) I found the little tortured child within the space in the breast that had the cancer cells and listened to her fully, giving her all my love. 2) I asked Archangel Michael’s power to go through the radiation machine, and from that moment the skin and breast were not damaged from the rays.

What I did was seeing the illness not as something I had done/practiced “wrong,” but something that gave me a possibility to see differently – as something that brought MORE Love forth in me.

It truly stripped away so much of what I had thought was essential, and identified as “me.”
Without it I would not believe FULLY that I am supported and served by Jeshua, angels and masters.

I know that if I had judged myself for the cancer I would have died there and then.

With so much love
 Leelah