addiction to suffering

Morning sucks as usual: I just want to go back to the slumber that is available in the mornings. I hear a clear inner Voice telling me that it is wise to get up now. I sense that He has the whole picture of me getting up and starting my day ( which I mostly can direct as I want it) – and I don’t. I also see that if I hear His voice and suggestion – and choose something else – then I am deliberately opening myself for darkness and ego: since that is my choice. There are only two choices, Nina – right?

Oops. What a responsibility. I cannot go back to sleep now without repercussions: and there will be no-one to blame for the consequences. (They have usually been self-contempt and disgust.) To see that I am completely responsible for this is awesome

Now ego turns on the screw – I feel even MORE deadly tired, head heavy, confused – and still poor me should get up??? I am looking at my own investment in keeping this pattern, this fight, going – ego’s urge to WIN.

I forgive the part of me who wants rest and sleep and to be the one part that wins over the Voice: that is my investment in keeping the guilt and the me going.

And I get up.

That choice taken, most of the heavy deadly tiredness melts away.

In the shower, I use to have most of my big insights. So also today: I noticed myself going into catastrophizing – and instantly knew: I am feeding this sickness, that has its own life. The lies are fed when I allow myself to listen to them. This is a sick addiction to guilt that I am feeding. H-S, I don’t want this any longer. Please make me aware each time I go into this feeding. I see clearly how insubstantial the ego if I don’t feed it with my belief that it is real and important.Please give me the grace to see how I can deal with these thoughts in a healing way – what can I do in this situation?

«If God is real, this can NOT be real» says Blue and I sense a big smile around it. «Just your willingness to notice the pattern and forgive  suffices– and then give me the steering wheel, Honey.»

I have done that – and I  sense the difference between just saying this, and pausing and noticing how I feel when I am not in control any longer. Big difference. I also take a physical step to the right when I am able to: that makes the difference even more noticeable.