more ballooning

From “Don’t give it up before you are ready”, I quote Pam:

— Even Jesus’ body is an illusion. Use the illusion that works until you don’t need it anymore but don’t give it up before you are ready (that is ego self-torture, I think).  (-: Pam

I am still so relieved by this – that I can use what gives me peace and brings me closer to Love, even though it is not from the Course. And a couple of days ago, I read this that Ken Wapnick wrote in a q&a:

In the end, however, if one’s spiritual path is enhanced by both the Kabbalah and A Course in Miracles, then who is to say that is a mistake? “By their fruits you shall know them” remains the only criterion that matters. If the combined practice of these two spiritualities leads to a life of peace and love, then one would be a fool not to pursue it.

The ego who insists of doing the Course and becoming enlightened and free of suffering, has told me that what I do must be consistent with Acims teaching ONLY. It has a true sectarian attitude, bony rigid. What Ken writes here feels wonderfully liberating.

Now to the balloon-exercise: it is expanding – it seems to have a life of its own. I was in my bed this very early morning, and found myself ballooning. I placed in the balloon ( or rather, I did not do it, someOne did that for me all by Itself, I just witnessed it.) Example:

I place in the balloon  fear-images and the disaster-thoughts belonging to them. – I place all the ways I judge this, repress this, hate this, manipulate this, minimize this. – I place all the senses of “me” and “mine” connected to this.

Now I am filling the balloon with all this stuff – and I am sensing the great pull of the “helium” to lift it up to H.S. And  I do not simply let go of the line – I draw it to me, I feel the pull – and only now can I really let it go by choice. This last element did wonders: not just letting it go, but feeling that I choose to do so.

I found myself in this exercise for quite some time, and suddenly the most wondrous energy/feeling enveloped me. There was this knowing: this is how it feels when I am not holding on to all those images of “me” – a separate one with stories. And  I found myself drifting, and then the connection to love was interrupted. I tried to find the thought that had brought separation, I did not find it. I sensed the huge difference between the Love-connection and “this” – and I know I don’t want to hold on to “this” any longer. H.S, please help me to see what I need to see, and for the willingness to see it with your loving eyes.

offering up the body

I have discovered such an effective way of forgiving – got it from “Forgiveness is the Home of Miracles” by Robyn Busfield:  I offer up the body of the person I feel some grievance for – visualize it in a balloon, let go of the balloon, see it rise into  the sky – and only the sacred essence of that someone is left. And I join with that.

I just did that with the photo of John Demaniuk –  known as “the Slaughterer”  camp guard at Treblinka concentration camp in Poland, now at trial. It felt amazingly good to release his idea of him being a body (and therefor sinful and guilty.) For me, visualization really works well.

don’t give it up before you are ready

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at the image there – how tired she looks, poor girl –noticing the many thoughts about how to react to other thoughts:

… I am so looking forward to the talk today by Caroline  Myss! – but I sense something terrible might happen if I g0 there…I  must not have this disaster-thoughts, because I react to them with fear and believe in them… that fortifies them and make them stay – I must find a way to heal this – how can I be so stooopid still to think this way…what if  Itchy is there today, and she sits down beside me….and takes my shawl for herself….my stomach is in knots, I cannot go to this talk…but I have looked so forward to it …I MUST go, I MUST be able to reject her and be firm and tell her what I need to say…but I can’t,  fear makes me loose all my words…I’ll just sit there and allow her to bowl me over…oh I can’t stand that, that feels like rape all over, but this time it is my fault, since I can’t find the right words to say…and I should be able to, dammit…when will I learn this?- – –Oh my head feels like poisoned fog…

Some days ago I told friends on the “Paulo and the Magician”-website (marvelous community for Acim students) that I had prayed to Archangel Michael and received prompt help – even though the Course considers him and all angels too to be illusions…and I  felt like I had failed the Course… I received this mail below:

— Even Jesus’ body is an illusion. Use the illusion that works until you don’t need it anymore but don’t give it up before you are ready (that is ego self-torture, I think). You are “ready” when one day you happen to notice that what you were using (most likely) just “faded out” a long time ago. No “thinking” about it required. (-: Pam

As soon as I remember these bolded lines, my head is clear:

Ahhh! I don’t have to stop having these scared thoughts. One more time: I don’t have to stop having these scared thoughts. Come again: I don’t have to stop having these scared thoughts!

As soon as I stop resist the thoughts, the fear vanishes. They are not “mine” any longer, they can not save me by preparing me what to say. It is OK to feel the fear if  Itchy comes, it is OK to move somewhere else, to say no, to be angry – I can forgive afterwards, when the scary situation is not there any longer.  I see how my/ego’s favorite self-torture is to demand that I act in a responsible and mature and adult way when trauma-touching stuff happens – no, those are times when I would mostly benefit with removing myself and comfort myself, asking for help from H.S.

Oh all these times the ego is doing the forgiveness-process, and I find myself stuck inside it – it translates to such harsh demands of what I should.

blessings

blessings to you who come here and read

for any reasons at all

to day it seems that no thoughts are as important than they used to be – they just float around

here – some beauty to share this morning…I love his singing – there is no agenda and “technique” – just allowing it to express itself through him –

that’s how I want to be with Love:  just letting it S I N G

the stealing thing

This post is not so coherent I think. But it is a description from last night experiences, and my insight about a very old mechanism in my incarnations – and this blog is now how I have chosen to explore what I seemed to have “made” in the world, and which keeps me here (as long as I believe it is truth.)

The thing is, for all of my lifetime,I have had  a very life-seeming hallucination in my soul/aura: people with clairvoyant abilities have seen this “being” too, and sensed that he looks really dark and hateful. At night, he seems to start to attack me and scare me.My body goes into shock and pain, the little Ninotchka-victim is being revived yet again – and the decision maker believes she is this tortured little puppet.

This post is about stealing. This night, I realized that this “something” seems to steal something from me: my essence, my joy, my power, my soul – and after 3 hours of agony and calling for help the idea came to me that he is stealing something. Aha! Since I believe I have stolen my identity and life from God, I realized that I chose to make an entity who steals life-energy from me. That’s reasonable. I get to be the innocent then. And to be absolutely certain that I get to stay the good guy,now I need to have the stealing from the outside too: – THEY are the abusers/stealers/baddies  and I am the victim.

But they are my projections. Wake up, Nina, projections! Made by you!

I do not want to do this any longer. I am responsible for making these projections, and I forgive them and ask H.S to chose God for me.

When I forgive my projections,  it becomes clear that the people I projected them on  therefore are innocent: they are puppets acting out my dream or movie, projected from fear in the mind. I  am so sick of doing this and believing in the lies that I am only safe when somebody steals from me. I own my fear of stealing from God. It is not Truth.

I see that all the stealing comes from the wrong-minded thought that there is scarcity, and that we need to steal from each other what we need. Which also makes us guilty.

All this seem to have happened because of this one belief – that it is possible to steal from God, and that we did it. Really.

These are my projections – they need my forgiveness

It’s 4:14 am.I leave my bed and ask for help. Hear:  “page 536 in the Course.”

T-27.V.2. Health is the witness unto health. 2 As long as it is unattested, it remains without conviction. 3 Only when it has been demonstrated is it proved, and must provide a witness that compels belief. 4 No one is healed through double messages. 5 If you wish only to be healed, you heal. 6 Your single purpose makes this possible. 7 But if you are afraid of healing, then it cannot come through you. 8 The only thing that is required for a healing is a lack of fear. 9 The fearful are not healed, and cannot heal. 10 This does not mean the conflict must be gone forever from your mind to heal. 11 For if it were, there were no need for healing then. 12 But it does mean, if only for an instant, you love without attack. 13 An instant is sufficient. 14 Miracles wait not on time.

T-27.V.4. There is no sadness where a miracle has come to heal. 2 And nothing more than just one instant of your love without attack is necessary that all this occur. —

T-27.V.5. —5 A dying world asks only that you rest an instant from attack upon yourself, that it be healed.

T-27.V.11.4 What occurred within the instant that love entered in without attack will stay with you forever.

OK. The inner attacker is created by my choice to believe in the TMI, and by me believing that the effects that seems to arise were real.By believing in the attackers presence in my life, I make the projections real.

So. I see this, and I need help to undo the automatic big fear that my nervous system falls into as soon as it recognize the attackers’/leaches’ energies.

I open Robin Busfield’s book «Forgiveness is the home of miracles.» She tells about a seminar with Gary Renard where he suggested ways to forgive – like this one: when you feel an urge to people-please (like me, when I am terrified of attackers, I try to please them to avoid being harmed) to do this: Offer the person’s body to the H.S. «In my mind,I would see their body float away in a bubble/balloon. I would feel the Sonship within them remain beside me, while the ego that wants me to please them is whisked away.»

For the first time I realize that the attacking entity attacking me is ME attacking me. I just projected the attack into the «entity» It was a choice. I want to stop.

unbelievable

Last day went on darkydarkgloomyvenomous. I remembered what a Course teacher shared some time ago – her husband had been in a very dark mood for months, and Ken had told her to not worry, her husband (also a student) was only processing. I often forget that Ken too is a therapist as I am -and  as  a therapist I know about processing, but have troubles finding out when to process and when to forgive – can I do both? at the same time?

What I did yesterday was accept the darkness, did not try to forgive-it-away, drank two glasses of good red wine and made myself banana-curry-melted cheese-sandwiches ( a no-no for the stomach,) and saw Juno, a marvelous zany and wonderful movie. In short,I indulged in feeling lousy and justified feeling unfairly treated and RIGHT.

This night and morning the intense crazy thoughts were not present – and I was met by DonnaD’s loving comment. It felt like a healing balm.

Another  wonderful surprise this afternoon – I followed a friend’s advise: just share with Jesus the negative feeling with one word – like ” angry, Jesus!” I did, and experienced my energy-field (contracted, dense, murky) expanding and becoming filled with light.

I realize …the reason why it works, is that I believe stuff only works one time with me. (That is an unbelievable dorky belief who has lived up to itself, I have to say.) Maybe – just maybe – I could stop believing that the belief is truth, and realize it is only something I have believed in.

And really seeing how powerful my beliefs are.

And I will find a little YouTube video for this post. ..about finding the beauty in the beast, or seeing Christ in our brothers –

guilt

Each morning, these attacks of hate-thoughts and contempt…it feels like a black lava-river that slowly rots and becomes toxic inside – please show me what I need to know about this –

today, answer to question 509 on Jamie’s website: http://www.therememberedsong.com

We made the world with all its battles and wars, from the interpersonal to the international level, to convince ourselves that the separation thought is real but that we are not responsible for it. And so it seems that there are forces outside ourselves — separate from us — that affect us in ways over which we have no control. In other words, there are victimizers and victims. Our investment in this thought system is much deeper than most of us even begin to comprehend. For it keeps the guilt over our pain and suffering resting outside our own minds so that we never see our own role in deciding for pain by deciding for separation. Yet the two choices — separation and pain — are intrinsically and unavoidably linked. In fact, they are the same choice. But it is the ego’s goal, and the world’s purpose, to keep that relationship forever obliterated from our awareness.
We will never be able to be truly at peace and experience the genuine love of the Sonship until we recognize that link and ask for Help in undoing our belief in separation and the reality of our own guilt over it. For ultimately we accuse ourselves of separating from God and setting in motion a world of pain and suffering. But so long as we do not wish to accept that responsibility so that the choice can be undone, we can only struggle and fail to find peace and love in situations that appear to be anything but peaceful and loving.

When I met Love outside my door the other day – and remembered how it was to be without an ego – and the simplicity of that – these violent self-attacks disappeared for about 24 hours.  Today, I tried to remember how that simplicity and joy felt, and it was not available: the onslaught too strong. I ask for help in undoing my belief in separation and the reality of my guilt about it. I can hardly breathe and move when I write this. But I can be kind to myself, and bless the truth that is available this second

visited

Today I had a phone-talk with my old dear friend who did not contact me after I mailed him. I had sent him another mail – not so angry as the first one – and he mailed me back, and told me he would contact me.

We discovered that there was a misunderstanding between two small children –  us –  who had not learned to give clear signals about needs. All my grievances disappeared, as  tenderness grew and opened into a vast loving space between us. Nothing to forgive: just something to be tender about.

A little while later, the doorbell rang. Outside stood a young boy, origin from some southern islands I think – collecting money for a School-project.

It was Jesus. It was pure Grace standing there. No teenager speaks like he did: each word clearly spoken with space about it. His eyes calmly meeting mine – no agendas, not selling anything – just showing up as Love.

I was vaguely aware that this was extraordinary and a blessing. I searched for money and gave him what I found – I wanted to find more and more money, to keep him standing there, looking at me with these calm and loving eyes. He told me that the money was for educating midwives someplace  in Africa. Inside me there was a voice who said “don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave” – as if This could leave at all.

This cannot be lost.

I can choose to lose it

but It can not be lost

and I am aware of a sacred space where we are  eternally dancing –

Now, in the mental chaos that visits me at night, I will remember Who visited me and Whom I received

the abcence of fear

“What is love?”

“The total absence of fear,” said the Master.

“What is it we fear?”

“Love,” said the Master.”

Anthony de Mello, Jesuit priest

the demon of external validation

Last day my best and eldest friend came visiting.This woman is so filled with light that my eyes water over when I see her. I love her deeply and always have, through numerous incarnations. I wrote a blog yesterday about this, but deleted it – it did not feel right to post anything about her experiences – so I’ll stick to mine only.

We played Game of Transformation. I have played it for 30 years now, given workshops with it – and yesterday was a breakthrough for me. The Game is a mirror of the dream – and shows us how we navigate here, and what the consequences of our choices are. It is filled with wondrous humoristic surprises and a presence of the angelic realm, and physicists would not be pleased playing it I think – so called «coincidences» that are mathematically impossible happen with great frequency.

The ego also likes to play the Game: it thinks that it is all about filling the four levels with awareness, and the first who reaches the spiritual level has «won.»Not so. The game is about becoming aware of the traps that we love to have and which we identify ourselves with, and the pain we experience as a result of that ego-thinking.

My theme was being addicted to external validation. I needed to go to this blog and see how «my» ratings were – and if “my” candle-cave was good enough lighted up – and I took it all very personal. It’s mine, dammit! I have seen the pattern clearly since I started this blog, forgiven it each time –  but had not succeeded in attaining peace about it – until in this game.

Now I found myself in the «dark night of the soul» – a place in the Game-process where we sit and contemplate – «are with» – the pain of our resistance and attachment to our ways.

Usually, what we do when  the pain of the Game has added up ( we receive one tear for each time we act from ego and it hurts) we try to find out which beliefs lies underneath our choices. But this time I realized that it was very simple : I just needed to look at it with Love – meaning drop any resistance to this addiction, drop any judgment – just let it be there.

Something shifted inside: for the first time, this «night» was not dark – it was a tremendous calm-filled space to be in. I found myself being quite not-serious about this addiction: no big deal really. I rested. My body, who has felt super strained and tense for three months, relaxed at last. I wanted to stay in the dark night, to savor the sensation of no judgment, the wonder of seeing innocence where I saw BAD before.

I was resting in the non-judgmental space, realizing that it was no big deal.

In one of my all-time favorite series, Northern Exposure ( lots of good stuff on YouTube) there is an episode where the young shaman Ed is wrestling with the demon of external validation. That demon is dressed impeccably elegant businesslike and Ed becomes sick after that wrestle. BUT: he sends away another clingy little bastard-demon: the little green demon of low self-worth – and having done that, I know that the bigger devil will have to move another place.

So now it all comes down to forgiving the little green demon : low self-worth.In other words: guilty little bastard

phew