The Inner Child

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

This is the litany of the small inner child – a child who thinks she is without a helping loving God, for sure. She is ugly and bad and guilty, and she MUST be – since all these bad things happen to her –

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

These days, my TV refuses to let me play with setting it up and choosing stuff from the menu. It freezes. Just like the little girl’s mind froze up under the yearlong attacks, that she so cleverly managed to push down to the dark basement. The first line in this post – if you say it out loud yourself, what do you feel in the body? I feel blocked out from everything that is GOOD and holy, and this “I” feels that she deserves punishment, and that she pays off her guilt to her Father. Her carnal father behaves like a devil sometimes – a Mr.Hyde – and she always justifies it within, in order to adapt to the situation and not be destroyed.

My TV mirrors this to me now– it freezes and won’t let me choose the programs that make me happy – and it won’t let me find a way to TEXT, so I can follow the great series about the Swedish Nobel Price Winner Selma Lagerløf  that I have saved. I need the undertexts – since I don’t hear very well.

The under-texts would symbolize “watching WITH God/Love” – a watching that makes her understand the foreign language. And a teaching from A Course in Miracles.

Her bad hearing is certainly such a symbolization too.

My Holy Self is showing this to me – so I can truly SEE and experience the consequences of the child’s beliefs: a deep belief that she IS a victim that God hates and wants to punish.

And in my life, where everything “outside” mirrors my mind – what an excellent symbol the TV is

Sitting with these thoughts and their energy is the solution. The energy is the inner child.

May this be of help to those who needs it

And may that little child get a space in our heart so she can grow up safely. The belief she repeats incessantly and subconsciously is

“I HAVE TO manage this, survive this, overcome this –“

From Unsplash

And it’s all in her beautiful mind – deeply believed in

Writing it down again – and again – allowing it to be in the open –

allowing myself to feel stupid

allowing

not judging

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book